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Internet Oracularities #420

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420, 420-01, 420-02, 420-03, 420-04, 420-05, 420-06, 420-07, 420-08, 420-09, 420-10


Usenet Oracularities #420    (26 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 11 Mar 92 13:23:40 -0500

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   420
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

420   26 votes 5b730 15b81 22c73 09c41 48761 038c3 05e61 03e72 15884 17774
420   3.1 mean  2.3   3.1   3.3   2.9   2.7   3.6   3.1   3.3   3.3   3.2


420-01    (5b730 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear great oracle, my potential saviour
>
> I am having recurring dreams in which I am filled with agony and
> despair.  My ex attacks me with scissors and leaves me with bloody
> stumps for limbs.  Ichor and bile choke my throat as I try to speak
> my love for her, but she only wants to cause me more pain.
> She is in my trunk right now decomposing, but that doesn't stop the
> dreams.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, I take it you have not considered one important fact.
}
} Perhaps killing her was not a good idea.  Oh, sure, it was a grand plan
} at the time, but did you ever stop to think of the long-lasting
} reprocussions?  It was selfish of you to throw her in the trunk!  Why
} not a cabinet?  No, not a closet - too cliche.
}
} My point is, whilst she was living, you could have made her life a
} miserable hell.  You could have done many more interesting things than
} to kill her.
}
} But you say you love her?  Nonsense.  Your dreams tell you otherwise.
} Listen to them.  Except the part the bile.  I hate bile.
}
} You owe the Oracle a canister not filled with bile.


420-02    (15b81 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise, Oracle smart,
> Oracle extremely cold of heart,
>
> Oracle insightful, Oracle delightful,
> Oracle mean, crass, and spiteful,
>
> Oracle large, Oracle proud,
> Oracle talkative, pushy and loud,
>
> Oracle passionate, Oracle lewd,
> Oracle homely, weenie, and prude,
>
> Oracle neat, Oracle swell,
> Oracle simply vindictive as hell,
>
> Oracle strong, Oracle stout,
> Oracle sicker-than-all-get-out.
>
> Oracle, please just answer me this:
> What is the source of eternal bliss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle passes your question to the competent authorities.
} Oh mighty Meta Oracle;
} What is the source of eternal bliss?
}
} > The Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent authorities
} > Oh mighty Meta Meta Oracle;
} > What is the source of eternal bliss?
}
} >> The Meta Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent
} >> authorities Oh mighty Meta Meta Meta Oracle;
} >> What is the source of eternal bliss?
}
} >>> The Meta Meta Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent
} >>> authorities Oh mighty Meta Meta Meta Meta Oracle;
} >>> What is the source of eternal bliss?
}
} $ The following messages appeared four times and will be suppressed:
} $ <*> passes your question to the competent authorities
} $ Oh mighty <**>;
} $ What is the source of eternal bliss?
}
} $ Algorithm terminated.
} >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> /> overflow/> Oh mighty GOD (Greatest Oracle Device);
} >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> /> overflow/> What is the source of eternal bliss?
} # Answer message loop overflow
} # ORACLE FATAL. RECURSION LOOP ERROR.
} # STORAGE RETRIEVAL EMERGENCY. ************ bytes lost.
} # STANDARD CORRECTIVE ACTION TAKEN. EXECUTION CONTINUING.
} # Answer message arrived.
} $ Output Stream continuing.
}
} The Oracle has pondered your Question deeply.
} Your Question was:
}
} > *****************************************************************
}
} And in Response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} > The source of eternal blisters are eternal pumps.


420-03    (22c73 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who hath such bright eyes and such bushy a tail, tell me why it
> is that the people who use the Sun Sparcstations in the computer lab to
> play xtrek and mud insist that they may remain on the terminal when
> people are waiting to prepare research papers and other work with the
> machines. Wasn't there a rule to the effect that school work comes
> first, then gaming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Lisa, a little bushier please.  Yes that's better.  Pass me an acorn
} would you dear?
}
} Oh yes, er, greetings mortal.
}
} While perhaps from your perspective you present me with one problem,
} you are in fact faced with two.  As my tail is particularly bushy
} today I will deal with both at no extra charge.
}
} First the Xtrekers.  These are not game players per se.  You see there
} is a new degree being offered as a trial at your institution among
} others known as Doctor of Xtrek.  This is a demonstrator degree and is
} being considered for acreditation in 1996.  This degree offers many
} advantages to departments.  They get DOE & DOD grants as well as slave
} labor from the grad student without incurring any real cost.  There is
} no expensive research equipment, qualifying exams or thesis defense.
} Degree applicants have only to display a score of fleet admiral to
} receive a degree.  If you don't believe me, just go down the the
} machine cluster and look at all of the Xtrek players.  They can't all
} be wasting their lives.  I rest my case.
}
} The MUD players, on the other hand, present more of a problem.  They
} think that they are in the real world.  They are playing virtual xtrek,
} playing virtual MUD, writing virtual research papers and writing to
} virtual Oracles to complain about virtual game players about the
} occupation of the machine cluster by game players.  You could try to
} pry them loose but they will make such a racket it is hardly worth it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a walnut, a British racing green Sparcstation and
} ^C
} Hey!  What are you doing.  Why I oughta <ZOT!> Yo. . .
}
} >SACRAFICE ORACLE
} You throw the oracle into the flames.  You receive 100 pennies.
}
} >QUIT
}
} ominverse{god}:  emacs research.txt &


420-04    (09c41 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one who resides at Delphi and dispenses knowledge more easily
> than those vending machines dispense food,
>
> My friend John had his apartment broken into the other day, and the
> culprit painted the ceiling. Do you think it was the Michaelangelo
> virus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First I must clear up a misconception.  While indeed I once resided in
} Delphi, I have since moved.  Delphi is really not a very modern town,
} and it's in the mountains, so the few times it snows, it is
} inaccessible, which was a good thing when suppliants had to travel to
} see me.  Now however, suppliants plague me by e-mail, and I never get a
} moment's peace, so I might as well live someplace nice.
}
} To determine if this is the Michaelangelo virus, you'll have to examine
} the actual painting job.  Are the colors subdued or bright?  As Vatican
} restorers have discovered, Michaelangelo paints in very bright,
} striking colors.  Also you must check the level of detail.  A virus
} like Michaelangelo paints in microscopic detail level.  Get an electron
} microscope and check it out.  [Lisa:  Orrie!  Most mortals can't afford
} an electron microscope!  O: That's the mortal's problem.]  Actual
} Michaelangelo ceilings can be worth many times the value of stolen
} property.  Unfortunately, there are many pseudo-Mike viruses out there,
} so the probability is high that John is going to have to repaint his
} ceiling and replace his furniture.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Sistine Chapel.


420-05    (48761 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "" <mycroft@altdorf.ai.mit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm having two gryphons, an owl-dragon, and three butter goblins to
> dinner for New Year's Eve. What should I serve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although you are the host, there is no need to worry about providing
} food.  Knowing that you are human, your guests have made plans already.
} The most important thing is that you bring at least two interesting
} human guests for them to meet.  They must be virgins.  Preferably, they
} will be people who have asked the Oracle a question without groveling.
} You should also bring extra butter and two pails of milk.
}
} You owe the Oracle an illustrated encyclopedia of mythology by Richard
} Cavendish.


420-06    (038c3 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mikea@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great one whose boots I long to lick if only to eat the ground I
> worship, oh one who can explain my grovel, oh splendid one who has the
> love of Lisa, please humble yourself to answer this question....
>
> When will the human race evolve to the point that the majority of the
> species will have enough common sence to know to let people *out* of
> an elevator *before* the next occupants rush in?  This question has
> been boggling my mind for many years.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The flaw in your thinking is, of course, in assuming that humans are
} still evolving.  Soon after the discovery of social security all
} adaptive forces ceased working on the human race.  Such changes since
} then have been the result of genetic inertia.  "Common Sense" (which,
} as everyone knows, is not very common) has no survival advantage any
} more; indeed it is positivly selected against by the current rash of
} consumer legislation and litigation madness.
}
} As to the question of elevators, there is no possibility of that much
} common sense evolving.  In fact, it will soon get to the stage where
} humans will walk into closed lift doors as soon as the bell goes
} "ting", and then sue the lift manufacturers for broken noses because
} the lift wasn't "Consumer Friendly".
}
} Such is the cost of a society run by lawyers, for lawyers.  You elect
} 'em, you live with 'em.
}
} You owe the Oracle the skins of 10,000 lawyers.


420-07    (05e61 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most enlightened oracle of all times, who can win an arm-
> wrestling contest with any black hole.
>
> What are black holes made of ?
>
> I know brand new black holes are made of collapsed stars, but
> the older ones ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, black holes.  I used to hate black holes.  Nowadays, we have
} stars that automatically collapse into black holes.  Back in
} the old days, though, things were different.
}
} Why, we used to *dream* about collapsing stars.  Back then, me,
} and a couple of other supreme beings, used to have to make black
} holes *manually*!  None of this just watching it happen stuff.  That
} was hard work!  You see, the stars didn't come big enough in those
} days. If you wanted a goodly hole, there was nothing for it but to make
} one up yourself.
}
} Scouring the universe for degenerate matter, bringing it all together,
} washing up afterwards, how well I remember!  I'd come home, after
} spending 10,000 years at good ol' S.B. 42 (my alma mater), only to
} find a note from mum telling me that she needed a black hole before
} dinner.  That meant at least another 4,000 years of work before
} suppertime! It was a hard life, but we were happy.
}
} Anyway, to answer your question, they were made of the same stuff
} but with much better craftsmanship.
}
} You owe the Oracle, well, just call up your father and ask him about
} walking to school in the morning.


420-08    (03e72 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I would like to pose a theoretical question, since I
> of course know that this situation could never occur in real life. If
> You were given a question which You could not answer, who would You
> ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are some who speculate that if such a thing were to occur the
} Universe would instantly disappear and be replaced by something even
} more deranged.  There are others who say this has already happened.
} There are still others who say the previous two groups have been
} reading too much Hitchikers Guide, and should be getting back to work
} and stop spewing humorous but unoriginal material.
}
} They are all wrong.
}
} You see, if I could not answer a question, the only being I could ask
} would be me.  In order for me to ask myself a question, I must exist
} seperately from myself.  Because there can be one and only one Oracle
} in the universe at any given time (given by the Law of Unique
} Oracularity which states that the only stable universe is one with one
} and only one Oracle), the newly created Oracle to whom I must pose the
} question would necessarily form a new universe around himself or be
} annihilated along with myself.
}
} The new Oracle (Me) would be the only being able to answer the
} hypothetical question posed by the old Oracle (Me again).  This is to
} say that Me and Me are one and the same.  A C programmer may understand
} this in terms of pointers where I am the original object, and the new
} Oracle is merely a pointer to me, and where everything in his unique
} environment is dereferenced such that he is actually me.  Comprende?
}
} Now the new Oracle is myself.  I ask my self, "Self, what is this
} question answer to the question I have been asked which I cannot
} answer?"  He, being merely a pointer to myself would do exactly what I
} would do.  This is the recursive nature of the Oracle in asmuch as the
} hypothetical nature of the question is concerned.
}
} Alternatively, I could simply resort to the usual fake Un*x telnet to
} heaven/hell to talk to God/Satan.  This is usually much easier on
} system resources.
}
} And what is this question?  It does exist (as it must), and I cannot
} say it, but it has something to do with woodchucks, wood, quantities,
} and ability. The yak is optional.
}
} You owe the Oracle a C++ compiler, and a standard library object for
} all the knowledge in the Universe.  And a yak.


420-09    (15884 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, knower of all knowables,
> I recently discovered that my lover has a long, furry, vaguely
> prehensile tail and a Ph.D. from Yale.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Believe it or not, I have an answer for you. You see, at Yale they do a
} lot of animal research. This does not mean the researchers study macho
} guys with fuzzy dice hanging from the... ahem... rear-view mirror of
} their Camarrrrrrrrros. No, we are talking real research with real mice,
} real rats, real monkeys, and yes, real fuzzy green creatures from alpha
} centauri.
}
} This had the animal activist groups up in a huff. How come, said the
} activists, the human subjects get something for their voluntary
} efforts while the animals get nothing for their forced labour? Well,
} the university administration came up with a brilliant and
} cost-effective plan to placate the activists. They would give the
} animals something for their efforts that would look like a big deal,
} but in actuality would be worth absolutely nothing. That's right, they
} awarded each a Ph.D. in Science from Yale.
}
} `But how does this relate to my lover?' you ask. Well simply, one quiet
} afternoon in the Long-Term Shakespeare Project lab at Yale, the
} research assistant forgot to feed the 1000 monkeys and supply them with
} new paper for their typewriters. The monkeys thought they'd been
} abandoned, and attacked the first humans to enter the room the next
} morning. The monkeys stole the human clothes, disguised themselves as
} humans, and left campus. (Remember, these monkeys had Ph.D.s.)
}
} Your lover must be one of these escaped monkeys. Try seeing if your
} lover can quote Hamlet to you. If not, merely enjoy the added bonus of
} another extremity to carress you at night.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why a nice human like you is
} going out with a monkey like that.


420-10    (17774 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle of USENET, whose wisdom is exceeded only by the combined power
> of all Cray computers and all legislators in the free world, whose
> power exceeds that of Hoover Dam AND Boulder Dam, and whose nose is SO
> big, tell me why (OH WHY) are there so many more horse's asses than
> there are horses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all a little note about wisdom. I don't know about Crays
} (well, I do - it's just part of being all-seeing and all-knowing), but
} the combined power and wisdom of all the free world's legislators is
} quite handily exceeded by your average TRS-80.
}
} Secondly, my nose isn't _that_ big is it? (A small word of advice.
} Your life may depend on your answer to this question).
}
} As to your actual question. Like many humans, you already know part of
} the answer, and have subconciously put it into the grovelling (and not
} a bad show of grovelling it was). The key word is, again, legislators
} (and politicians in general). Whilst not actually _being_ horse's
} asses (except in the more extreme cases), they are, in a sense, the
} embodiment of the Platonic _ideal_ of a horse's ass.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photograph of George Bush and Dan Quayle dressed
} in horse costume (I want to see which one is the horse's mouth and
} which one is ...)


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