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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear great oracle, my potential saviour > > I am having recurring dreams in which I am filled with agony and > despair.  My ex attacks me with scissors and leaves me with bloody > stumps for limbs.  Ichor and bile choke my throat as I try to speak > my love for her, but she only wants to cause me more pain. > She is in my trunk right now decomposing, but that doesn't stop the > dreams.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, I take it you have not considered one important fact. } } Perhaps killing her was not a good idea.  Oh, sure, it was a grand plan } at the time, but did you ever stop to think of the long-lasting } reprocussions?  It was selfish of you to throw her in the trunk!  Why } not a cabinet?  No, not a closet - too cliche. } } My point is, whilst she was living, you could have made her life a } miserable hell.  You could have done many more interesting things than } to kill her. } } But you say you love her?  Nonsense.  Your dreams tell you otherwise. } Listen to them.  Except the part the bile.  I hate bile. } } You owe the Oracle a canister not filled with bile.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise, Oracle smart, > Oracle extremely cold of heart, > > Oracle insightful, Oracle delightful, > Oracle mean, crass, and spiteful, > > Oracle large, Oracle proud, > Oracle talkative, pushy and loud, > > Oracle passionate, Oracle lewd, > Oracle homely, weenie, and prude, > > Oracle neat, Oracle swell, > Oracle simply vindictive as hell, > > Oracle strong, Oracle stout, > Oracle sicker-than-all-get-out. > > Oracle, please just answer me this: > What is the source of eternal bliss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle passes your question to the competent authorities. } Oh mighty Meta Oracle; } What is the source of eternal bliss? } } > The Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent authorities } > Oh mighty Meta Meta Oracle; } > What is the source of eternal bliss? } } >> The Meta Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent } >> authorities Oh mighty Meta Meta Meta Oracle; } >> What is the source of eternal bliss? } } >>> The Meta Meta Meta Oracle passes your question to the competent } >>> authorities Oh mighty Meta Meta Meta Meta Oracle; } >>> What is the source of eternal bliss? } } $ The following messages appeared four times and will be suppressed: } $ <*> passes your question to the competent authorities } $ Oh mighty <**>; } $ What is the source of eternal bliss? } } $ Algorithm terminated. } >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> /> overflow/> Oh mighty GOD (Greatest Oracle Device); } >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> /> overflow/> What is the source of eternal bliss? } # Answer message loop overflow } # ORACLE FATAL. RECURSION LOOP ERROR. } # STORAGE RETRIEVAL EMERGENCY. ************ bytes lost. } # STANDARD CORRECTIVE ACTION TAKEN. EXECUTION CONTINUING. } # Answer message arrived. } $ Output Stream continuing. } } The Oracle has pondered your Question deeply. } Your Question was: } } > ***************************************************************** } } And in Response, thus spake the Oracle: } } > The source of eternal blisters are eternal pumps.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who hath such bright eyes and such bushy a tail, tell me why it > is that the people who use the Sun Sparcstations in the computer lab to > play xtrek and mud insist that they may remain on the terminal when > people are waiting to prepare research papers and other work with the > machines. Wasn't there a rule to the effect that school work comes > first, then gaming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Lisa, a little bushier please.  Yes that's better.  Pass me an acorn } would you dear? } } Oh yes, er, greetings mortal. } } While perhaps from your perspective you present me with one problem, } you are in fact faced with two.  As my tail is particularly bushy } today I will deal with both at no extra charge. } } First the Xtrekers.  These are not game players per se.  You see there } is a new degree being offered as a trial at your institution among } others known as Doctor of Xtrek.  This is a demonstrator degree and is } being considered for acreditation in 1996.  This degree offers many } advantages to departments.  They get DOE & DOD grants as well as slave } labor from the grad student without incurring any real cost.  There is } no expensive research equipment, qualifying exams or thesis defense. } Degree applicants have only to display a score of fleet admiral to } receive a degree.  If you don't believe me, just go down the the } machine cluster and look at all of the Xtrek players.  They can't all } be wasting their lives.  I rest my case. } } The MUD players, on the other hand, present more of a problem.  They } think that they are in the real world.  They are playing virtual xtrek, } playing virtual MUD, writing virtual research papers and writing to } virtual Oracles to complain about virtual game players about the } occupation of the machine cluster by game players.  You could try to } pry them loose but they will make such a racket it is hardly worth it. } } You owe the Oracle a walnut, a British racing green Sparcstation and } ^C } Hey!  What are you doing.  Why I oughta <ZOT!> Yo. . . } } >SACRAFICE ORACLE } You throw the oracle into the flames.  You receive 100 pennies. } } >QUIT } } ominverse{god}:  emacs research.txt &

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one who resides at Delphi and dispenses knowledge more easily > than those vending machines dispense food, > > My friend John had his apartment broken into the other day, and the > culprit painted the ceiling. Do you think it was the Michaelangelo > virus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First I must clear up a misconception.  While indeed I once resided in } Delphi, I have since moved.  Delphi is really not a very modern town, } and it's in the mountains, so the few times it snows, it is } inaccessible, which was a good thing when suppliants had to travel to } see me.  Now however, suppliants plague me by e-mail, and I never get a } moment's peace, so I might as well live someplace nice. } } To determine if this is the Michaelangelo virus, you'll have to examine } the actual painting job.  Are the colors subdued or bright?  As Vatican } restorers have discovered, Michaelangelo paints in very bright, } striking colors.  Also you must check the level of detail.  A virus } like Michaelangelo paints in microscopic detail level.  Get an electron } microscope and check it out.  [Lisa:  Orrie!  Most mortals can't afford } an electron microscope!  O: That's the mortal's problem.]  Actual } Michaelangelo ceilings can be worth many times the value of stolen } property.  Unfortunately, there are many pseudo-Mike viruses out there, } so the probability is high that John is going to have to repaint his } ceiling and replace his furniture. } } You owe the Oracle one Sistine Chapel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm having two gryphons, an owl-dragon, and three butter goblins to > dinner for New Year's Eve. What should I serve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although you are the host, there is no need to worry about providing } food.  Knowing that you are human, your guests have made plans already. } The most important thing is that you bring at least two interesting } human guests for them to meet.  They must be virgins.  Preferably, they } will be people who have asked the Oracle a question without groveling. } You should also bring extra butter and two pails of milk. } } You owe the Oracle an illustrated encyclopedia of mythology by Richard } Cavendish.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great one whose boots I long to lick if only to eat the ground I > worship, oh one who can explain my grovel, oh splendid one who has the > love of Lisa, please humble yourself to answer this question.... > > When will the human race evolve to the point that the majority of the > species will have enough common sence to know to let people *out* of > an elevator *before* the next occupants rush in?  This question has > been boggling my mind for many years.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The flaw in your thinking is, of course, in assuming that humans are } still evolving.  Soon after the discovery of social security all } adaptive forces ceased working on the human race.  Such changes since } then have been the result of genetic inertia.  "Common Sense" (which, } as everyone knows, is not very common) has no survival advantage any } more; indeed it is positivly selected against by the current rash of } consumer legislation and litigation madness. } } As to the question of elevators, there is no possibility of that much } common sense evolving.  In fact, it will soon get to the stage where } humans will walk into closed lift doors as soon as the bell goes } "ting", and then sue the lift manufacturers for broken noses because } the lift wasn't "Consumer Friendly". } } Such is the cost of a society run by lawyers, for lawyers.  You elect } 'em, you live with 'em. } } You owe the Oracle the skins of 10,000 lawyers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most enlightened oracle of all times, who can win an arm- > wrestling contest with any black hole. > > What are black holes made of ? > > I know brand new black holes are made of collapsed stars, but > the older ones ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, black holes.  I used to hate black holes.  Nowadays, we have } stars that automatically collapse into black holes.  Back in } the old days, though, things were different. } } Why, we used to *dream* about collapsing stars.  Back then, me, } and a couple of other supreme beings, used to have to make black } holes *manually*!  None of this just watching it happen stuff.  That } was hard work!  You see, the stars didn't come big enough in those } days. If you wanted a goodly hole, there was nothing for it but to make } one up yourself. } } Scouring the universe for degenerate matter, bringing it all together, } washing up afterwards, how well I remember!  I'd come home, after } spending 10,000 years at good ol' S.B. 42 (my alma mater), only to } find a note from mum telling me that she needed a black hole before } dinner.  That meant at least another 4,000 years of work before } suppertime! It was a hard life, but we were happy. } } Anyway, to answer your question, they were made of the same stuff } but with much better craftsmanship. } } You owe the Oracle, well, just call up your father and ask him about } walking to school in the morning.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, I would like to pose a theoretical question, since I > of course know that this situation could never occur in real life. If > You were given a question which You could not answer, who would You > ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are some who speculate that if such a thing were to occur the } Universe would instantly disappear and be replaced by something even } more deranged.  There are others who say this has already happened. } There are still others who say the previous two groups have been } reading too much Hitchikers Guide, and should be getting back to work } and stop spewing humorous but unoriginal material. } } They are all wrong. } } You see, if I could not answer a question, the only being I could ask } would be me.  In order for me to ask myself a question, I must exist } seperately from myself.  Because there can be one and only one Oracle } in the universe at any given time (given by the Law of Unique } Oracularity which states that the only stable universe is one with one } and only one Oracle), the newly created Oracle to whom I must pose the } question would necessarily form a new universe around himself or be } annihilated along with myself. } } The new Oracle (Me) would be the only being able to answer the } hypothetical question posed by the old Oracle (Me again).  This is to } say that Me and Me are one and the same.  A C programmer may understand } this in terms of pointers where I am the original object, and the new } Oracle is merely a pointer to me, and where everything in his unique } environment is dereferenced such that he is actually me.  Comprende? } } Now the new Oracle is myself.  I ask my self, "Self, what is this } question answer to the question I have been asked which I cannot } answer?"  He, being merely a pointer to myself would do exactly what I } would do.  This is the recursive nature of the Oracle in asmuch as the } hypothetical nature of the question is concerned. } } Alternatively, I could simply resort to the usual fake Un*x telnet to } heaven/hell to talk to God/Satan.  This is usually much easier on } system resources. } } And what is this question?  It does exist (as it must), and I cannot } say it, but it has something to do with woodchucks, wood, quantities, } and ability. The yak is optional. } } You owe the Oracle a C++ compiler, and a standard library object for } all the knowledge in the Universe.  And a yak.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, knower of all knowables, > I recently discovered that my lover has a long, furry, vaguely > prehensile tail and a Ph.D. from Yale.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Believe it or not, I have an answer for you. You see, at Yale they do a } lot of animal research. This does not mean the researchers study macho } guys with fuzzy dice hanging from the... ahem... rear-view mirror of } their Camarrrrrrrrros. No, we are talking real research with real mice, } real rats, real monkeys, and yes, real fuzzy green creatures from alpha } centauri. } } This had the animal activist groups up in a huff. How come, said the } activists, the human subjects get something for their voluntary } efforts while the animals get nothing for their forced labour? Well, } the university administration came up with a brilliant and } cost-effective plan to placate the activists. They would give the } animals something for their efforts that would look like a big deal, } but in actuality would be worth absolutely nothing. That's right, they } awarded each a Ph.D. in Science from Yale. } } `But how does this relate to my lover?' you ask. Well simply, one quiet } afternoon in the Long-Term Shakespeare Project lab at Yale, the } research assistant forgot to feed the 1000 monkeys and supply them with } new paper for their typewriters. The monkeys thought they'd been } abandoned, and attacked the first humans to enter the room the next } morning. The monkeys stole the human clothes, disguised themselves as } humans, and left campus. (Remember, these monkeys had Ph.D.s.) } } Your lover must be one of these escaped monkeys. Try seeing if your } lover can quote Hamlet to you. If not, merely enjoy the added bonus of } another extremity to carress you at night. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why a nice human like you is } going out with a monkey like that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle of USENET, whose wisdom is exceeded only by the combined power > of all Cray computers and all legislators in the free world, whose > power exceeds that of Hoover Dam AND Boulder Dam, and whose nose is SO > big, tell me why (OH WHY) are there so many more horse's asses than > there are horses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all a little note about wisdom. I don't know about Crays } (well, I do - it's just part of being all-seeing and all-knowing), but } the combined power and wisdom of all the free world's legislators is } quite handily exceeded by your average TRS-80. } } Secondly, my nose isn't _that_ big is it? (A small word of advice. } Your life may depend on your answer to this question). } } As to your actual question. Like many humans, you already know part of } the answer, and have subconciously put it into the grovelling (and not } a bad show of grovelling it was). The key word is, again, legislators } (and politicians in general). Whilst not actually _being_ horse's } asses (except in the more extreme cases), they are, in a sense, the } embodiment of the Platonic _ideal_ of a horse's ass. } } You owe the Oracle a photograph of George Bush and Dan Quayle dressed } in horse costume (I want to see which one is the horse's mouth and } which one is ...)