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Internet Oracularities #421

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421, 421-01, 421-02, 421-03, 421-04, 421-05, 421-06, 421-07, 421-08, 421-09, 421-10


Usenet Oracularities #421    (33 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 09:11:57 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   421
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

421   33 votes 36b94 15bd3 29e53 18789 069c6 18g44 5d843 17ab4 56c82 398a3
421   3.1 mean  3.2   3.4   2.9   3.5   3.5   3.1   2.6   3.3   2.9   3.0


421-01    (36b94 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise, Mighty Oracle...
> What would happen to YOU, if I would send YOU a
> nice virus? I don't know I have the guts, but I
> mean hypothetically.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, your lack of groveling is a rather dangerous thing, as
} many poor souls before you had (not any more) the opportunity to
} discover. But since a question of public health is concerned, I will
} let you take advantage of my Oracular Mercy...
}
} /iuvax/oracle:1765> call ZOT -m
}      ZOT called with -m (mercy) option.
}      Enter ZOT level (in %):
}                     10
}      Enter ZOT duration (in h):
}                     10
}      Found Target.
}      ZOT activated for defined time period.
}      Please wait    10 h from now.
}
} Hmmm... seems I'll finally have to set up a time sharing system on this
} machine!
} To your question:
} Of course a simple virus (or even a complicated one) could never have
} *any* effecxt on the Uxsenet Oracxle! I wouxld juxt <ZxOT> txe virxs
} jxst lxkx I <xxT> anx mxrtal whx dxxs nxt grxvxl xnxxgh.
} Xxx xxxxxx xx xxxxx xxx xxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx
} xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
} xxx xxxxxxx xxxxx x x x x x x x xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxx xx
} xx
}
} (The Oracle Telephone, all white marble with a golden receiver and a
} platinum dial, is ringing.)
}
} Oracle: Hi, Usenet Oracle here?
} Phone voice: You've gotten yourself into trouble again, haven't you?
} Orcale: Uh-oh, well, there seems to be a temporary problem with my
}         workstation, I guess it's a setup problem...
} Phone voice: Don't try to lie to me, you know that I know when you lie!
} Oracle: But, Lisa, how can I stop this?
} Phone voice (Lisa): It's always the same with you! I am damn sure you
}                     know the answer.  You just can't get it out of
}                     yourself, because you're not able to grovel enough
}                     before yourself.
} Oracle: Eh - can you help me this time? I promise I'll learn!
} Lisa: You'll never... anyway:
}       Oh wise and mighty oracle, whose workstation doesn't touch the
}       ground, whose keyboard gives the most sexy keyclick and whose
}       operational system has bugs that I am unworthy to correct: Please
}       answer me the following question:
}       How does one get rid of the virus that has entered your computer?
} Oracle: The virus was brought upon the system by a camouflaged C shell,
}         disguised as a question from a mortal.
}         Delete the question and, if possible, the mortal.
}         You owe the Oracle a new workstation.
} Lisa: (Hangs up the phone in rage.)
}
} /iuvax/oracle:1766> rm mortal.quest232438476
} /iuvax/oracle:1767> ZOT -M
}      ZOT called for removing Mortal.
}      Found Target.
}      <ZOT!>
} /iuvax/oracle:1768> gone
}
} Oracle: And so, dear pupils, what did we learn from today's lesson?
} Pupil: That the Oracle can do everything, knows everything, and never
}        will have any problems with viruses.
} Oracle (with a satisfied smile): Eh - yes, my boy. Have a cookie.
}                                  Hey, what's that itch on my back?
}        (scratch, scratch, scratch...)
}
} You owe the oracle a bottle of desinfectant!


421-02    (15bd3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O hyperclever Oracle, whose very diodes I am not worthy to behold,
> whose mere resistors have been inspiration to philosophers the world
> over, and whose great wisdom is unsurpassed among all sentient and
> non-sentient beings that have been, are, and ever will be:
>
> Why does the United Kingdom have only one Monopolies Commission?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you grovelled so well, I will give you not one, but ten answers.
} The Oracle rewards well those who please Him.
}
} Top Ten reasons the United Kingdom has only one Monopolies Commission?
} 10.  It wouldn't be a monopoly if there were two, now would it?
}  9.  Queen Elizabeth couldn't afford the matching set.
}  8.  Couldn't find enough people to justify two games at once.
}  7.  Bloody 'ell!  'at's what we forgo'!
}  6.  The answer may be found in any Benny Hill episode.
}  5.  Bloody EC regs!
}  4.  Blame it on the Americans!
}  3.  Blame it on the Germans!
}  2.  Blame it on the French!
}
} And the number one reason why the UK has only one Monopolies
}  Commission. . . 1.  John Majors couldn't afford the rent on Boardwalk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Get out of jail free" card and a good deal on the
} B&O RR.


421-03    (29e53 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O upright and squeaky clean Oracle, one who was once reprimanded for
> throwing dirt asks: is it true what they say about Mr. Clinton and
> Imelda Marcos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is usually not one to air dirty linen in public, even if it
} is someone else's.  I won't *directly* answer your question, but let's
} just say if the shoe fits....
}
} You owe the Oracle a brown pump.  And a grey one.  And a red one.  And
} a white one.  And a blue one.  And an orange one.  And a yellow one....


421-04    (18789 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise, and brilliant programmer,
>
>  who needs no earthly high level programming
> languages, because he can generate any machine
> language program on any computer that will do
> the right trick...
>
>  who can calculate the depreciation of a
> commodore 64 before it is even introduced
>
>  who advises Bill Gates that his code is just
> plain stupid..
>
> Please tell me the answer to this mortal
> questions.. why can't the Vax C compiler
> have a portable getche() function like
> everybody else does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question you introduce, oh worthy mortal, has its roots deep in the
} creation of computing, when programmers were programmers, mainframes
} were mainframes, and the Timex Sinclair was a pretty neat piece.
}
} In the beginning all was formless and void main(int argc, char **argv)
} and the spirit of the Usenet Oracle swept across the transistors
} and said "Let there be Vacuum Tubes that mankind should learn to
} wire, and let them find the path to Univac." And it was so, and
} for awhile it was good. But the Oracle in his beneficence saw
} that programmers would not long be satisfied with his word (which
} was a mere 4 bits long), and spake he again "Let there be Multivac,
} Solid State Transistors, and VLSI." And he saw that this was indeed
} good. And the Orcale said further, "Let there be users for these
} marvels, and let them be fruitful and multiply."
}
} But soon the Oracle in his wisdom realized that the users needed
} guidance, and so he said "Let there be a system administrator, that
} the users need not know the pain of modifying termcap files, and
} let the system administrator have a helpmate, that he not succumb
} to the fallacy that *all* is programming." And so the sysadmin and
} his mate were created in the image of the Oracle and the beautific
} Lisa.
}
} Now, the most wondrous of the creations of the Oracle were two
} operating systems, the fair Unix and the not-so-fair VMS. And VMS
} was ever jealous of the attention paid to Unix by the sysadmins, and
} spake VMS unto them: "Look, an Apple. It has 4k and can do 40x40
} color graphics! And Integer Basic is built in. Take this Apple for
} your own and ye shall be even as root itself!" And lo, the foolish
} sysadmins heeded the words of VMS, and forsaking Unix, sought to
} vie with even I, the all-powerful.
}
} Ashamed were the sysadmins when they realized that they must make do
} with cassette drives, and when the Oracle came to inquire as to why
} they had allowed users to do foolish things (yea, verily, alias vi
} emacs), the sysadmins hid from the Oracle. But the Oracle merely
} fingered them, and they came before him trembling. And for their sins
} did I pronounce a mighty curse on them, that they should know no grep
} until they had repented their association with VMS. And to VMS itself,
} I decreed that henceforth no Vax should harbor a portable getche()
} function, "For now ye shall toil for your error-free compilations."
}
} You owe the Oracle an on-line Gutenberg bible and a Vax C version of
} the Unix kernel.


421-05    (069c6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> whose love is caressing as a woollen blanket, whose kiss is as soft as
> - eh - a woollen blanket, and whose appearance is that of, eh, um,
> no... I have this problem: Having had an eight year relationship with a
> man I don't love but am planning a future with. And now there is this
> guy who wants to talk me out of it. What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > relationship.advisor
}
} Oracle relationship advisor 871.31.123
}
} ready. Advice (quit-relation(man,8-years,!in-love,planning(future),
}                reason(guy,talking(out)))
}
} -Unclear Input row 1:
} talking(out):
} specify: out-for-dinner
}          out-of-relationship
}
} -Unclear Input row 1:
} 8-years:
} specify: age()
}          duration()
}          kids()
}          time-since-last-sex()
}
} -Advice Missing operand
} specify: male
}          female
}          other
}
} -Advice not processed
}
} ready.
} (Hmm. the sex of the questionner..., not specified..., I'll go
}  for "other")
}
} ready. Advice (other,quit-relation(man,duration(8-years),!in-love,
}                planning(future),reason(guy,talking(out-of-relationship))
}
} -Advice Processing...
}
} -Advice Result posted do /relationship.advisor/advice
}
} ready. quit
}
} >cat /relationship.advisor/advice
}
} Baouw. Bow-wow. Arf. Arf. Grrrouff. Baouw-arf.
} Groaar. Aouuu. Bauw. Nyii. Arf
} (?)
}
} >translate -english /relationship.advisor/advice > english_advice
}
} >cat english_advice
}
} Do not leave your master, it would be unfaithful.
} The risk is big that you end up as human food (especially if
} the guy is oriental).
} Besides 8 years is quite old for a dog, so just enjoy the
} peaceful ageing with your master, which I'm quite sure you
} are happy with even if you are not in love with him.
} >
}
} (Hmm. better state something else as the sex of the questionner..)
}
} > relationship.advisor
}
} #6127: Server down.
}
} Core dumped.
}
} You owe the oracle better software.


421-06    (18g44 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi incarnation!
> How do you feel, now that the Oracle has incarnated in you and
> possesses your body and mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lemme see, the best way to describe it is this.  Imagine feeling like
} you could climb Mount Everest, swim the English Channel, study
} Electrical Engineering with a minor in Physics and still graduate in
} four years, build a pyramid or two, safely navigate the New York Subway
} System, answer all those idiotic questions, run for office against an
} incumbent President, arm wrestle King Kong, write a .signature virus
} that REALLY works, and still be able to satisfy Lisa a thousand times
} over.
}
} Get the picture?
}
} Oh, one more thing. . .<SMITE>
} Zotting may be flashier, but smiting leaves a bigger spot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of spot remover.


421-07    (5d843 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been struck by a rather strong case of boredom.  What are the best
> 3 things to do when you're bored?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. Send mail to the usenet oracle.
} 2. Think of stupid answers to questions I get back.
} 3. ZOT insolent supplicants.
}
} Yaaaawn.... you owe the Oracle your pillow.


421-08    (17ab4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sorry, Mr. Oracle, but I don't have time to grovel....got a final to
> study for, but my question is:
>
>       Are you the creator of the Oracle database?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has canceled your final.  You will take the following essay
} test instead:
}
} 1.  In 250 words or less, give a complete example of what an
} all-knowing being would use a database for.  Be sure to detail what
} specs the said database would have to meet in order to be useful.
}
} 2.  In 200 words or less, give a brief history of the title "Mr."
} Specify situations in which this title is appropriate, and situations
} in which it is inappropriate.  Why?
}
} 3.  Tell whether the following statement is true or false, and explain
} your answer in 100-150 words:  An immortal being would find it useful
} to start a company and make money.
}
} 4.  Speculate as to what would happen to a mortal if a deity were to
} write software and the mortal tried to sell it.  (There is more than
} one correct answer.)
}
} 5.  Imagine the following scenario:  You have offended someone very
} powerful, and your life is in danger.  You don't have anything that
} this powerful someone needs.  What possible course of action could you
} take. 500-1000 words.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sealed transcript mailed directly from the
} registrar.


421-09    (56c82 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, old buddy, old pal:
>
> I'm sure you've been asked this a million times, but maybe you can shed
> some additional light on the problem for me:
>
> What are the ramifications of telling the devil to "Go to hell"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignoring for a moment your excessive familiarity in the manner in which
} you address your God, We will turn our attention to the problem you
} pose, which is a quandry only to mortals who have no understanding of
} these refined matters.
}
} In general, telling the devil to "go to hell" is a mild epithet much
} like "go home" would be to an insignificant mortal like yourself. You
} can expect festering hemorrhoids to be visited on you by a horde of
} little blue figures which stand only three apples high, but your soul
} is in no danger.
}
} In fact, it was my slightly less omnipotent associate Yahweh who first
} told the devil to "go to hell". The devil was looking for an excuse
} to skip out on Yahweh anyway, whose idea of a good time involves
} burning animals and heaps of rings of flesh from the penises of
} his favorite mortals. Fortunately for you, the Oracle prefers Lisa.
}
} The next time you feel the urge to curse the devil, may I suggest
} the far more fearful injunction "Go to Tempe, Arizona for a weekend
} in the summertime where all the nightclubs are featuring the
} Beegees and Keystone is $5 a six pack."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Devil's DP Dictionary.


421-10    (398a3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose processes always run at highest
> priority, please tell me:
>
> What is a MUD, and should I worry about cleaning off my keyboard after
> using one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A MUD, of course, is a Massive Upheaval of the Duodenum, which can be
} really messy for your keyboard if you happen to be sitting on it when
} you have a MUD.
}
} Ha ha.  Just kidding.  :-|
}
} Actually, a MUD is a Multiple User Domain.  They serve two purposes:
}
} 1.  TO waste valuable computer time that wouldn't be spent doing
} anything anyway.
} 2.  TO waste valuable human time that wouldn't be spend doing anything
} anyway.
}
} People wander in and out of virtual rooms in virtual settings with
} virtual characters and virtual money and virtual armor and virtual
} weapons, which is virtually a good way to spend time, but not quite.
}
} You owe the Oracle wizard privileges.


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