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Internet Oracularities #423

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Usenet Oracularities #423    (38 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 92 14:05:58 -0500

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   423
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

423   38 votes 3h963 4f973 08be5 4ca66 2ch70 38h91 1cg54 98f42 077bd 31eb9
423   3.0 mean  2.7   2.7   3.4   2.9   2.8   2.9   3.0   2.5   3.8   3.6


423-01    (3h963 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, You have been giving fun and wise advice and
> answers to many of my peer mortals. I wait each day to hear the
> wonders and awesome Words You offer to your petitioners. Please
> answer your humble devotee's question: I want to start a radio
> control car shop, and make it possible for young racers to buy
> good equipment at near wholesale prices. Unfortunately, I don't
> have a rich uncle/aunt/relative/friend to fund the idea. How can
> I accomplish this mortal, but worthwhile goal, of finding funding
> to implement this idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets see, How many funds could a fundfinder find, if a fundfinder
} could find funds?  Oh wait, wrong thread and I *am* easily amused
} today. Finding funding.... Hmmmm.... Ok here's what you do:
}
} How to start a model car shop without funding in 11 EZ steps:
} =============================================================
} 1.  Get a rowboat.
} 2.  Kidnap a woman.
} 3.  Pack all your model stuff and some food and the woman into the
}     rowboat.
} 4.  Row to a deserted tropical island.
} 5.  Build a hut and have children with the woman.
} 6.  When the children are 18, declare yourself King of the island.
} 7.  Declare all of you children senators.
} 8.  Have them pass a resolution for funding for your model car shop.
} 9.  When the funding comes through, put the money in the boat.
} 10. Row back to your present home.
} 11. Open model car shop.
}
} Hope that helps.
} You owe the Oracle the truth about the Professor and MaryAnn.


423-02    (4f973 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-racle, my racle, who raiseth my hackle,
> most fearsome thou art; an emotional shackle,
> for sooth doth thou utter, and mutter, and spew,
> but oft dost thou claim recompense as thy due...
>
> Canst thou inform me, illustrious sage,
> Why must he gesture whilst he says "Engage"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten reasons why Captain Picard gestures when he says "Engage":
} 10. Thinks its a memorable trademark.
}  9. It's a strong gesture to offset his accent.
}  8. Has something to do with the Borg.
}  7. Is really giving marriage advice to Will Riker.
}  6. Trying to confuse Counsellor Troi about his feelings.
}  5. Outlet for his sub-concious aggressive nature.
}  4. Really wants to shoot Wesley Crusher
}  3. It's about time to go to the HoloDeck for target practice.
}  2. Is daydreaming about doing "Cowboys and Cowgirls" with Beverly
}     Crusher.
}  1. Is really reminding Wesley Crusher where the Engage button is!
}
} Most unworty supplicant, whose verse - most crude,
} thy must upload the Oracle the complete FASA rules!


423-03    (08be5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, whose name I whisper at night, whose toe-jam I am not
> worthy to mix with peanut butter on toast, please answer me this one
> question:
>
> What happens to all those little paper circles I make when I use my
> hole-punch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grovel needs a bit more circumspection; a mere flutter of a brain
} cell or two would tell even a cringing human such as you that deities
} do not suffer this 'toe jam' affliction.  Like smegma, politicians, and
} rap music, toe jam is endemic to the human race.
}
} Back to your holey query.  It's a little known fact (actually, I'm the
} only one that knows it) that paper has a latent intelligence.  Trees,
} being very intelligent creatures, have been a quite upset with
} mankind's use of their fellow trees for purposes as benign as toilet
} paper, The National Enquirer, and office stationary.   They wanted
} revenge.
}
} The process of cutting down a tree, mixing it with chemicals, and
} pressing out paper does not remove the native intelligence of trees
} from the paper; it merely causes it to become latent, waiting for three
} sharp punctures to cause it to awaken.  The hole punch was carefully
} designed, by trees, in order to punch out the three loci of
} intelligence in each sheet of paper (in the case of European trees,
} four loci) into a container.  This container is carefully designed so
} that when the amount of intelligent circles reaches critical mass, the
} container will pop open, spilling out the paper circles on the office
} carpet.  The unwitting human usually attempts several different
} fruitless methods of retrieving these circles, first trying to brush
} them into their hands, then picking them up one by one, and finally
} abandoning the effort, leaving it for the janitorial staff to handle.
} The time spent by each human in this effort has been estimated to be
} one man-hour per week, and is increasing as the paper circles learn
} more tenacious maneuvers.  At the current growth rate, by 1999 the
} average office worker will spend twenty working hours per day dicking
} around with paper circles, instead of cutting down trees. The
} productivity loss calculations for the janitorial staff is left as an
} exercise for the reader.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10,000 paper circles, each picked up from a smooth
} surface


423-04    (4ca66 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Astoundingly Munificent Oracle,
> whose old shoe leather I am unworthy to taste,
> Most Strangely Benevolent Oracle,
> whose earwax is like nectar,
> Most Unspeakably Sublime Oracle,
> whose very nose hairs I am unfit to even gaze upon,
>
> I have but one small question, which, though
> insignificant to your Magnanimous Greatness, has
> troubled me of late to the point of sleeplessness:
>
> Which is best, when entertaining foreign
> dignitaries in one's humble yurt -- to serve
> copious quantities of the aged fermented milk of a
> Tuvan Yak, or to lay out a sumptuous banquet of
> Uzbekh Radishes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, where're the radishes?  No, not those radishes, the uzbekh
} radishes! We don't have any?  What do you *mean* we don't have any?
} How am I supposed to entertain Delphi without uzbekh radishes?  MILK?
} Hardly! Fermented?  You mean, as in, alcoholic?  Hmm.  Sounds good.
}
} *knocks heard in background, then the creaking of a door*
}
} Delph m'friend, come on in!  Here, have some *ahem* milk.  Oh yes, it
} truly is heavenly.  Delph?  Delph?  Where are you going?  You didn't
} finish your -- oh my word.  That looked painful.  How did that fit out
} of his mouth?  And how did he eat it in the first place?  Ooh, that was
} bad.  Wait, Delph, come back here... Oh Delph, why are you eating my
} lawn? Come on, stop, that grass is expensive.  Oh my.  Lisa, call the
} police... Tell them there's a rabid oracle on the loose.
}
} You owe the Oracle a carton of uzbekh radishes and a rabies shot.


423-05    (2ch70 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT KEEPS ME FROM MELTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... Well, without more information on your specific body
} composition and your living environment, it's hard to tell.
}
} There are many possibilities...
}
} * You could be wearing Frosty the Snowman's magic hat.
}
} * You could be posting from santa@workshop.north.pole.COM.
}
} * You could have been freeze-dried at an early age.
}
} * You could be avoiding all contact with the opposite sex.  (Believe
}    me, one look into Lisa's eyes and *I* start melting...)
}
} * You could be sharing sleeping accommodations with Walt Disney.
}
} * You could be watching "NOW It Can Be Told" and be bored so stiff as
}    to be impervious to melting.
}
} * You could have ALREADY melted, and thus further melting would be
}   impossible.
}
} * You get the general idea.
}
} However, if I may take a wild guess, I would say that the reason that
} you're not melting is that you've frozen off the sections of your mind
} that normally would aid you in purchasing used automobiles, playing the
} bassoon and/or composing multi-line questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that is a) more than four lines long and
} b) smaller than "The Song Of Hiawatha".


423-06    (38h91 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who is OK by me,
>
> This A.M. I FTP'd a new OS from JPL-NASA's SS1 to my new SS2. PDQ I
> used TFTP to boot diskless, and IMHO I did a swell job.  Sure enough, I
> start up and can't use AFS because XNTP thinks I'm in GMT instead of
> EST.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're SOL.  BFD. TANSTAAFL.


423-07    (1cg54 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and allknowing oracle, do tell me....
>
> My grandfather puts vaseline on his water pump because he's afraid
> grease would contaminate his drinking water.  What should I do?
>
> Thanks oracle!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, all right, all right.  Let's see now....do you want the G rated
} answer or the X rated answer?  I'll put them both in; only read one or
} you're doomed!
}
} (if (desired (rating "G"))
}     (send-answer "
}
}       G RATED ANSWER:
}               You don't need to do anything.  Your grandfather, wise
}               beyond your understanding, uses vaseline on his water
}               pump because grease contaminates the water.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a glass of pure spring water,
}       uncontaminated with grease, and more respect for your elders.
}      ")
}      (if (not (desired (rating "X")))
}         (zot supplicant)
}         (send-answer "
}
}       X RATED ANSWER:
}               You don't need to do anything.  Your grandfather, wise
}               beyond your understanding, is using elliptical
}               language to assure you that he is using safe sex
}               practices to insure your health.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a "glass" of pure "spring water"
}       uncontaminated with "grease" (nudge nudge) and a large tube
}       of KY jelly.


423-08    (98f42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't people believe that Paganism is a real religion?  They even
> believe that Southern Baptism is one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* Why don't people learn that if they expect a decent answer
} from the Oracle, they've got to do a little groveling. It's not too
} much to ask in return for the benefit of infinite wisdom.
} As your question was prefaced with not the least bit of supplication,
} oh arrogant mortal, I don't think you deserve an answer. Ask again,
} and this time, do it right!
}
} "Orrie, come back to bed...."
}
} Just a second, Lisa. I'm explaining the necessity of groveling to
} another clueless mortal. They're lucky I don't just <ZOT!> them on the
} spot.
}
} "Now, now, Orrie. Remember that you chose this job. Why don't you just
} answer the question and come back to bed. I'll go find the jello."
}
} Fortunately for you, my proud friend, there's nothing the Oracle likes
} more than Lisa except Lisa with jello. My mood is improving and, though
} you certainly don't deserve it, I will share a bit of my omniscience
} with you.
}
} Have you noticed that many of the people who don't think paganism is
} a religion *are* Southern Baptists. Some people seem to feel that
} religion implies God-the-father, and don't take well to
} Goddess-the-Mother or even
} Oracle-the-Omnipotent-Font-of-Infinite-Wisdom-who-ought-t
} be-addressed-with-suitable-groveling. Fortunately, this disease can be
} treated with ample quantities of backpacking, meditation, sex, drugs,
} and rock and roll.
}
} "I've got the Jello....Where are you?"
}
} Pardon me, it's time for my medicine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question with some serious boot-licking,
} brown-nosing groveling.


423-09    (077bd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, O-master!
>
> Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  A good question, and one that the Oracle happens to have
} personally experimented with.  The results of keeping sour cream
} around after the expiration date are truly amazing, and you really
} should try it yourself, but I can summarize my data for you.
}
} I found that there are two further states of sour cream, that are
} usually not preferred by mammals.  These typically begin to set in
} place several days after the expiration date.  The first of these,
} termed RSC (really sour cream), occurs fairly soon after the expiration
} date has passed. The consistency begins to change and grow more lumpy.
} The very top section can become quite firm, and on occasion require a
} knife to cut.
}
} The Oracle believes that RSC is related to sour cream in a similar way
} that brandy is related to wine, that is a higher state of fermentation.
} While no longer tasty over baked potatoes, it is more suitable for
} things such as rutabaga.
}
} The second state has been called RFC (really foul cream).  This is
} usually encountered during experiments with RSC, when the container
} is left out on the counter overnight or perhaps for a weekend.  The
} result is similar in consistency with RSC, with some color changes
} around the edges.  The blackened parts acquire a particularly strong
} flavor, but still have some application: it is especially good at
} adding that peculiar background flavor to dips and sauces that no one
} at your party will be able to identify until several hours later.  Goes
} well with things like aged scrapple and cheap cigars.
}
} For a truly low calorie experience, try a sandwich of old scrapple,
} RFC, spray cheese, and a touch of RFM (really foul mayonnaise).   After
} this you will be able to eat as much as you want of anything you like
} for about 2 hours without having to worry about gaining any weight
} whatsoever.  This marvelous discovery has yet to make its way into
} the medical journals, although The Oracle's article on the subject
} will soon be printed in an upcoming edition of the Weekly World News.
}
} You owe The Oracle a copy of Bulemic Gourmet's _Up_N_Coming_ cookbook.


423-10    (31eb9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: The Oracle is sitting at his desk, in front of a giant
> workstation and a marble telephone with a golden receiver and a
> platinum dial. Lisa is sitting on the Oracle's lap, more beautiful than
> ever. A mortal supplicant is crawling along the floor in meanders,
> groveling:
>
> Mortal: Oh mighty Oracle, whose carpet has all the colours of the
>         rainbow, whose love is carressing as a wooden blanket and whose
>         long and bushy tail has more hairs than the ocean has raindrops
>         could you turn your attention that makes the N. Y. police look
>         like a bunch of mattress testers to a humble, silly and mortal
>         supplicant?
>
> While groveling, the mortal has comer very near to the desk of The
> Oracle. Suddenly he jumps up, drawing something out of his pocket that
> looks like a combination of a pocket calculator and a harpoon.
>
> Mortal: HA! Finally my hour has come! You have <ZOT>ted me so many
>         times from here to the horizon I can't count it any more. But
>         now I learned the trick!
> (he raises his peculiar instrument, hacking the keys and winding some
> kind of winch)
>         TAKE THAT!                  <ZOT!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!> and <ZOT!>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal:  <ZOT!> <ZOT!>, er uhhh.....
}
} The mortal suddenly realizes that his <ZOT>ing instrument is doing
} nothing more than shooting some very mild <ZOT>s about two inches past
} the muzzle.  The Oracle looks on with a slight smirk forming on his
} lips and Lisa appears very smug and snuggles closer to the Oracle.
}
} The mortal begins to tremble while the Oracle laughs.
}
} Oracle:  Really my foolish mortal, did you think that you could
}       <ZOT> me here, in my domain?
}
} The mortal falls to the ground, whimpering and cowering.
}
} Oracle:  Actually, to be honest, Kinzler thinks I've been doing
}       too much <ZOT>ing lately and he's turned the power WAY
}       down on the <ZOT> software.  Frankly, the whole thing is doing
}       little more than evolving into a cheap joke.
}
} A pause while the mortal looks up, thinking maybe he won't be fried
} into a greasy puddle after all.
}
} Oracle:  Ha ha.  But I found the Gnu<ZOT> package which is more
}       powerful than before.  Ha Ha Ha.
}
}                       Gnu<ZOT>!!!
}
} Of course, all that remains of the impertinent mortal is a greasy
} puddle.


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