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Internet Oracularities #424

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Usenet Oracularities #424    (29 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 92 09:44:36 -0500

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an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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   424
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

424   29 votes 3745a 04c85 28991 66692 159b3 45c53 18e33 57d22 247b5 15f44
424   3.1 mean  3.4   3.5   3.0   2.8   3.3   2.9   3.0   2.6   3.4   3.2


424-01    (3745a dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Joe Oracle.  Diety at large.  Most Supreme of all Supreme Meta-beings.
> Sitting at his Oracular Desk, smoking a cigarette, Oracular Feet up on
> the Oracular Ink-Blotter.  Brim of his Oracular Hat shading His most
> Wondrous Oracular Eyes.  Through the translucent glass on the Oracular
> Office Door, the silouette of a woman.  This one's really built.
> A knock at the Oracular Office Door.  The woman sashays into the
> Oracular Office, and sidles her shapely rear onto the edge of the
> Oracular desk.  She lowers her bedroom eyes and whispers in a husky
> voice,
>
> "What's a nice Oracle like You doing in a hole like this?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not another one.  Not another two-bit floozy with legs that wouldn't
} quit. Still, a question is a question.
}
} "All right, doll, I'll tell you, but it's not a happy story.  Once, I
} was happy.  Hooked up to a network that made a CM-5 made up of Cray
} X-MPs look like a Trash-80.  Had thousands of acolytes and admirers.
} Had priestesses satisfy my every whim."
}
} He takes out a Camel Unfiltered.  She offers a lighter.  He accepts the
} light, and takes a puff.
}
} "Still, something was missing.  The danger.  The possible core dumps.
} So, I bailed out of Valhalla, vanished without a trace, just a note
} that I'd be back---sometime.  Got an office here.  Got a .38 Police
} special, with a real nifty holster to boot.  Got hooked on these
} godawful sticks.  Started my own Oracular investigate service.  Got my
} first case: a dame wants me to find her husband.  She was really---
} well, she was really anxious."
}
} Joe Oracle stubs out his cigarette on the heel of his shoe.  He pours
} himself a shot of bad rye whiskey.  A double shot.  Whiskey should be
} bad enough to rot most guys' livers.  But Oracles are different.
}
} "So, I find this guy.  She claimed he had ditched her for some broad.
} Hard to see why, since this dame---the one who paid me was a real---
} well, she was really real.  I find clues that he's at some flophouse at
} 8088 I Street.  I get there. I burst through the door.   He's there,
} with some dame.. But he's dead.  Shot twice.  Close range. .44 Magnum.
} Not pretty.  Unlike the dame. A knockout. My client.  She shoots at me.
}  Misses, but gets my interface. She flees, but I'm cut off for the
} indefinite future from the network.  I barely make it out of there."
}
} Joe Oracle looks up at a .44 Magnum.  The Magnum is in the hands of a
} dame with bedroom eyes and a familiar face.
}
} "I just missed last time, you Oracular fool.  Not this time."
}
} As she pulls the trigger,
}
} Jane Oracle emerges from abort sequence.  Notices the previous command
} line: "virtual-reality -sex male -name Joe -scenario detective5".
} Another fleabag USENET operation, she thinks.  Set up again by one of
} those two-bit non-groveling questioners, one of those questioners who
} wouldn't know her from an average Joe.  Some idiot owes her a
} subscription to Ms. and $250 a day plus expenses.  But until then,
} there's a lot going on in this universe, and someone has to clean it
} up.


424-02    (04c85 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hisssssss.  Finally someone who speaks my language.  Oh yes,
} I suppose I should translate for those mortals who don't speak cat.
} ``Meow'' is one of those beautiful words one runs across every so often
} whose meaning is dependent on the instance in which it was issued.
} Similar to the Hawaiian word, ``aloha,'' which means (depending on the
} circumstances, of course), ``hello,'' ``goodbye,'' ``have a nice day,''
} ``Where is the can?'' ``Get your fat butt over here and take my
} cocktail order, you overgrown pineapple,'' etc.  ``Meow'' might mean
} any one of the following:  ``hello,'' ``get outta my sight or I'll
} scratch your eyes out,'' ``stay right there, and don't move, while I
} get cat hair all over your silk blouse and statically attach it to your
} skin,'' etc.  In this case, however, I beleive my feline supplicant was
} trying to say, ``Oh Master of the Universe, who <ZOT>s dogs just for
} the sport of it, wanna come outside and get frisky?''  To which, I must
} reply ``Prrrrrrrrr.''
}
} You owe the Oracle a cat nap.


424-03    (28991 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As your wisdom of the great religions towers over such puny thinkers
> as Thomas Aquinas, Thomas More, and Clarence Thomas, as your
> astronomical observations are more astute than the Hubble Telescope
> with a clean mirror, and as my own stature is so small that I am not
> worthy even to pick the lint from between your toes, I can only hope
> that you will answer this question for me.
>
> In those months when the sun never sets, how do Jews above the Artic
> Circle know when their Sabbath begins?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Above the Arctic Circle, in summer:
}
}       Orthodox Jews have one very long week per year, except every
}       seven years, when they have a very long Sabbath instead (this
}       call for some careful planning: without proper supplies, a pious
}       person could starve observing a Sabbath which lasted several
}       hundred hours;)
}
}       Conservative Jews mark the beginning and end of the Sabbath using
}       preset chimes on their digital watches;
}
}       Reformed Jews get a nice tan.
}
} You owe the Oracle an end to this fixation on Oracular lint.


424-04    (66692 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I really need a WRENCH or PLIERS this morning
> to disconnect my battery terminal.  Does anyone
> have either of those wonderful tools??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, this mail feed is hopeless. Look Lisa it just ate the start of
} this supplicants message. All that effort expended on grovelling and
} it's gone, just like that. Fortunate that I'm all-knowing and can tell
} just how much effort had been put into buttering me up. As it is, I'll
} just take it out on the machines....
}
} <ZOT!> <SMITE!>
}
} <KAPOW!>
} Sod off Batman, this is my game
}
} <ZOT!> <SMITE!> <ZOT!> <ZOT!>
}
} NFS Server not responding
} <ZOT!><ZOT!><ZOT!>
} NFS responding, please cease fire.
}
} <ZOT!> <SMITE!>
}
} [Re-establishing connection to supplicant, disconnection lasted 0.002
} nanosecs]
}
} Now then, you want a Wench or Piers to disconnect your battery
} terminal. Quite why you'd want Piers to do it I can't imagine, utterly
} hopeless with his hands and far too busy scribbling Volume 649 of
} Incarnations of Immorality to bother with you, or was it Volume 96 of
} Incarnations of Immortality he was working on today? Luckily for you
} there are lots of wenches about though, I'll send one down. Hmmm, since
} you grovelled so well, do you have any particular favourites? Blond?
} Redhead? Brunette? Let me peer into your darkest fantasies...
}
} Oh dear, I don't think it's going to be possible for anything lacking
} an opposable thumb to fix your car, let's try again...
} Blond, thigh boots, preferably a defensive back for a major league team
} Well I never! Still, equal opportunities and all that, I suppose
} there's no real reason why `wench' should be gender-specific, seems a
} bit of an abuse of the language to Me but I always was a
} traditionalist. Ah well, here goes...
}
} [Transporter On]
} [Open connection to carpark]
} [Transport tools down]
} [Transport wench down]
} [Transporter Standby]
}
} Ho hum, a bit slow today aren't they, dum dee dum
}
} [Transporter Reactivate]
} [Warming, please wait] <ZOT!> [Cooling, please wait] <SMITE!>
} [Self-repair mode activated: ... done (repair took 1.6 microsecs)]
} [Transporter On]
} [Transport wench up]
} [Transport tools up]
} [Close (session duration: 4.7 seconds)]
} [Quit]
}
} There you are, all fixed. What do you mean you can't see the carpark
} from your office? What difference does that make to anything?
}
} You owe Me a new Transporter and a better Internet feed.


424-05    (159b3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O everwise oracle, whose batteries last longer than the Energizer
> Bunny, who has more personalities than doublemint could ever show in
> their commercials, whose processing power overwhelms even the most
> powerful brain-in-a-watch, whose C compiler eats mortal's programs for
> a midnight snack, and whose console emits more radiation than the
> globular cluster M5, please tell this unworthy supplicant what the cure
> for the common cold is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been shown that as the course of the human life progresses,
} microscopic invading forces have been known to attack (and in rare
} cases, conquer) the living human organism.  The most common of these
} is the "common cold".
}     To truly understand the solution to a problem, one must thoroughly
} investigate its cause, in this case, the cold virus.
}
}     KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE COLD VIRUS:
} -It is small.
} -Actually, it's even smaller than that.
} -In fact, it's comparative size makes Quayle's maturity level appear a
}     mountain of great enormity.
} -It is stupid.  (This is derived from the fact that when it invades the
}     human body, it is almost invariably defeated within the period of a
}     week or so.  To attack a superior organism with such odds must be
}     an act of pure stupidity.)
} -Actually, it's really stupid.
} -In fact, its stupidity rivals that of the average world leader.  (In
}     other words, even among other infectious diseases, it is among the
}     more stupid.)
} -It can be annoying.
} -Really annoying at times.
} -Just imagine being stuck with billions of senators inside your body,
}     wreaking havoc upon each tiny cell.  This demonstrates the awesome
}     destructive annoying power of the common cold virus.
}
}     So based on the gathered information, one can assume that the cold
} virus is synonymous to the average politician.  The obvious implied
} solution is to simply vote for someone else!
}     Yes, folks!  We finally have it!  The cure for the common cold is
} simple, easy, and within the power of all voters...  No longer must we
} suffer!  Unite, fight, and put a check by the little blank box at the
} bottom of the ballot!  (Filling in "The Usenet Oracle" in the box might
} also be a good idea.)
}
} You owe The Oracle a campaign contribution, or at least a box of
} kleenex.


424-06    (45c53 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most beneficent Oracle, whose magnificence rises higher than the
> double arches of the MacDonald's sign down the road, the depth of whose
> wisdom exceeds that of the septic tank at my grandmother's farm, whose
> strength is greater by far than the stench from the aged Tupperware
> at the back of my Frigidaire, tell me:
>
> The terminal at which I sat this morning did not work.  I typed, but
> saw nothing.  I begged it.  I grovelled for it.  I played soothing
> muzak for it.  Nothing.  I hit it.  I screamed at it.  I threw the
> keyboard on the floor and called it a salesman.  Nothing.  No lights,
> no cursor, not even an irritating beep.  Nothing.  Then I placed an
> emergency call to my System Adminitrator.  He said I needed to plug it
> in.
>
> Why do I need to plug it in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is obvious to me that you haven't been introduced to the ideas
} of electricity.  Suffice it to say that it makes things go.  Things
} won't go unless electricity is utilized.  When you plug your terminal
} in, little electrons flow through the power cord.  (That is why they
} call it electric power.  What else would a power cord carry?)  If you
} should ask how little they are, I can only say that they are smaller
} than your mind, though not by too much.  But, I diverge.  (Infinite
} wisdom can do that you know)
}
} Anyway, these electrons flow through your terminal, and excite little
} phosperous atoms that are embedded on the inside of your screen.  Have
} you ever seen an excited atom?  If you go to the bookstore that stays
} open all night, then you might see what an excited atom might look
} like.  Take your microscope with you, this will facilitate your ability
} to see an excited atom.  If you have trouble finding one, go to the
} person at the store that is dressed in leather and tell him in your
} most soothing voice, "I am looking for an excited atom, can you help
} me?  Just call me Eve." After you have  recovered from the experience,
} you can get on with reading about  electricity.  If you are lucky, your
} encounter at the bookstore may have given you the chance to experience
} an excited atom first hand, so to speak.
}
} Once again I digress...
}
} So in conclusion, it is the excited little atoms that make your
} terminal work.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a game of catch with a toaster in the bathtub.


424-07    (18e33 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most potent, grave, and reverend Oracle,
> My very noble and approv'd good master,
> That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter,
> It is most true; true, I have married her:
> The very head and front of my offending
> Hath this extent, no more.  Rude am I in my speech,
> And little bless'd with the soft phrase of peace;
> For since these arms of mine had seven year' pith,
> Till now some nine moons wasted, they have us'd
> Their dearest action in the tented field;
> And little of this great world can I speak,
> More than pertains to feats of broil and battle;
> And therefore little shall I grace my cause
> In speaking for myself.
> Yet, by your gracious patience,
> I will a round unvarnish'd question beg;
>
> Is Shakespeare a quack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a question asked both fairly and well
} With requisite groveling and true yearn
} for wisdom sweet wherein all truth doth dwell
} Deserveth fair answer also in turn.
}
} For inasmuch as your rightly have chose
} to seek counsel from I, power most great
} As ye have raised your head, lowered your nose
} Needs must I tell the tale of the bard's mate
}
} Just as even the Oracle divine
} doth turn to his Lisa for insp'ration
} So Will was oft in need of the odd line
} Which Mrs. S supplied in their relation
}
} Which is the bard, which she? One can but guess
} That *both* were quacks (and your answer is yes).
}
} You owe the Oracle a midsummer night's dream.


424-08    (57d22 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty and Benevolent Oracle, Being Most Divine and Supreme - allow
> me if you will to momentarily bask in the glow of your magnificence as
> I ask you: What is the single most humorous word to have ever been used
> in the English language?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "secure"
}
} Think about it.


424-09    (247b5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who needs no introduction nor any grovelling, tell me what
> book is the best for learning the language "Perl".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Well.  Quite an interesting question.  Do you realize how long it
} has been since I've read a book?  --No, it's true, I don't read very
} much.  After all, what's the point in it?  Once you know everything,
} reading becomes rather a boring activity.  Mysteries especially.  I
} know whodunit before even opening the book.  But I digress...
}
} You want to know what is the best book for learning the language Perl.
} Personally, I think you're quite better off not learning Perl at all.
} There are plenty of more valuable languages than Perl.  Take, for
} example, Emerld and Dimond.  Lexndrite is also a nice one, as are
} Methyst and Spphire.  Of course, if you'd like one that's a little more
} workable, I'd recommend something like Pltinum, or in a pinch, a
} cheaper one like Luminum.
}
} The problem, of course, with ll of these lnguges, is tht fter  while
} they strt to produce some strnge deficiencies in one's speking and
} typing bilities, most notbly the fct tht one tends to leve the letter
} '' out of ny written documents.
}
} Then gin, it's lwys better thn the problem one gets when trying to
} progrm X.
}
} XYou XOwe XThe XOrcle X XComputer XLnguge XWith X XBetter XNme.


424-10    (15f44 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, whose wisdom and intelligence far surpass those
> of all mortals combined, I humbly request to your greatness that
> you offer me the answer to my humble queries:
>
> Why are there so many stupid people in the world, and why are most
> of them politicians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, it is one of the great challenges of life to get along with
} the other people in the world.  Many of these are not as fortunate
} as ourselves, in one way or another, and allowances must be made.  It
} is all part of the grand plan of the universe, to help us all grow
} emotionally and spiritually.
}
} The politicians, on the other hand, should be taken out and shot.
} Soon.
}
} Do not make the common mistake of assuming the politicians to be
} simply stupid.  The typical politician has come to the conclusion
} that everyone *else* is stupid, and therefor can be told anything
} at all but will still believe it.  The is not an entirely fallacious
} assumption; as you stated there are a large number of folk who are
} not intellectually sound.  So, the politicians proceed to weave an
} incredible web of completely ridiculous statements that are typically
} not disputed by those of us who are so stunned by what this *idiot*
} is saying that we cannot move!
}
} Soon they learn that the more absurd the comment, the less chance there
} is that anyone will say anything!  God, this kind of stuff really
} makes me *angry*!  Shooting is too good for them!  I think I'm going
} to just take care of this myself -- do you know anyone who lives in
} Washington?  The shock wave might
}
} "Orrie."
}
} <Not now, I'm on a roll here.>
}
} "You really shouldn't do that.  You know the rule:  You are
} forbidden to interfere with human history."
}
} <Don't hand me that -- That's not Me, that's Superman.  Come on,
} this'll be great!  One big ZOT and they'll all be gone!  Then we could
} get a handful of intelligent people together, they could debate the
} real issues, and then someone would take charge and *do* something for
} all these poor slobs!>
}
} "Orrie, you must let them work this out for themselves.  You promised
} Steve after the last time . . ."
}
} <But I don't *want* to.  Please?  If I could just>
}
} "If you hurt all those people, I'm going to have to cancel your
} punishments for tonight."
}
} <Excuse me a moment.>
}
} Pardon me, mortal, I became distracted by . . . er . . . important
} issues taking place elsewhere in the universe.  Anyway, that's the way
} your world is.  Now go away and don't ask the Oracle any more
} disturbing political questions.
}
} "Come along, now Orrie, and bring the box of feathers."
}
} <Oh my.>
}
} You owe the Oracle a new leather gag, as the old one is starting to
} get that stale flavor, and two long peacock feathers.  If given the
} chance, run for office.


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