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Internet Oracularities #425

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425, 425-01, 425-02, 425-03, 425-04, 425-05, 425-06, 425-07, 425-08, 425-09, 425-10


Usenet Oracularities #425    (30 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 92 08:24:40 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   425
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

425   30 votes 27b64 168b4 26b92 24e82 37a73 53c55 01ad6 477b1 49b42 25g61
425   3.1 mean  3.1   3.4   3.1   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.8   2.9   2.7   3.0


425-01    (27b64 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who must once have been the most thunderous of lizards, I
> ask you, In what form did you appear when all your supplicants were
> dinosaurs (and/or tooted birds)?  What's more, how did you read their
> questions, since they lacked opposable thumbs with which to hit the
> space key?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know dinosaurs weren't terribly smart individually, but
} what isn't generally known is the fact that they had a group mind
} that was reasonably intelligent.  Peroidically, the group mind
} would have need the ask Me, (in the form of Brontosaurus of course),
} a question.  The dinosaurs would all gather, like lemmings, on a large
} plain and spell out the question which was then recorded on my
} Oracular Home Video System so I could answer at my leisure.
} Of course, since the group mind wasn't terribly smart (only about the
} level of an undergrad), they frequently forgot to grovel.
}
} Now you know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tooted bird.


425-02    (168b4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lovely Oracle,
> whose fins are slippery as the road to a life in virtue and truth,
> who drinks sea water like Martini and whose teeth are sharper than
> a swiss army pocket knife, please tell your unworthy supplicant:
>
> I saw you name spelled 'Orcale' in a posting. Could it be you're an
> Orca?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I am an Orca.  I am everything, you lowly mortal.  I am the
} Great White Whale, and I am the Great White Hunter who captures the
} whale.  (You can, indeed, call me Ahab.)  I am the sea that spawned the
} whale.  I am the sun that beats down on the sea.  I am the sky that
} cradles the sun.
}
} I am heat.  I am cold.  I am light.
}
} I am the peanut butter that sticks the roof of your mouth.
}
} I am that last nagging little bit of chicken that you just can't get
} out from between your teeth, no matter how hard you try.
}
} I am that last deduction you manage to squeeze out of your tax form.
}
} I am the obnoxious driver who cuts you off on the highway.
}
} I am the sigh of contentment you give when you dive into cold water on
} a steaming hot day.
}
} I am the eggman.  I am the walrus.  Goo goo ga joob.
}
} Gaze upon my countenance and tremble, O mortal.
}
} [Why is he looking over here?  Don't open that...]
}
} Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...
}
} [Uh, hi.  My name's Skippy.
} The Oracle is out right now having a wild fling with Lisa.  I just
} wanted to try out the controls for awhile...  Please don't get angry or
} anything. Have a nice day.  Gotta go.  Bye.]
}
} You owe Skippy a good excuse for when the Oracle gets back.


425-03    (26b92 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Aftahnoon, Mistah O.,
>
> Me 'n' de boys just got done wid a kidnap job, see?  We aksed for
> $25,000 in small bills for da kid, an' his parents sent us dis
> suitcase, see?  And inside there was a bill from AT&T for $15.94, and a
> bill from the city for $22.13, and a bill from Rhonda's House of Pain
> for $33.76, and anyways when the kid added 'em up for us, they was sure
> enough for $25,000 all told.  Should we pay them?  It don't seem right,
> somehow.
>
> Socko

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay boys, let's see just what went wrong here.
}
}      $  15.94
}         22.13
}      +  33.76
}      --------
}      $  71.83
}
} Demand more bills.  They're not even close yet.  Mortgages, blackmail,
} back taxes, *anything*.  Once you get those bills in, return the kid.
}
} Now, have we learned something here?  You boys are obviously amateurs
} in the field.  Holding a kid hostage won't get you anywhere.
}
} Want to double your money real quick?  Here's a little secret.  Hold
} yourself hostage.  Think about it.  You've got $25,000 in small bills
} sitting in front of you right now.  If you hold yourself hostage and
} demand another 25 G's, after you've paid yourself off you're looking at
} 50 G's.
}
} Just follow these easy steps:
}
} 1. Wake up with a good attitude and convince yourself "I'm a hostage".
} 2. Repeat step 1 until you are thoroughly convinced you're a hostage.
} 3. Next, call yourself up and demand ransom.  Lots of really small
}    bills.
} 4. If the number's busy, go back to step 3 and try again.  Don't
}    give up.  Remember, you're a hostage, it's the only way out.
}
} Just follow this procedure a few times and you'll be buying into the
} soybean business in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really big favor, a horse, and some fish.


425-04    (24e82 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you human?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A tinny, insignificant voice asks, "are you human?"
}
}     hu-man (adj.)  1. Of, or relating to, or characteristic
}     of man or mankind.
}
} The Oracle's face darkens.  He reads on.
}
}     2. Having or manifesting the form, nature, or qualities
}     characteristic of man.
}
} The Oracle mutters, "them's fightin' words around here."
}
}     3. Prone to or marked by the frailties and weaknesses
}     associated with man as an imperfect being.
}
} "THAT DOES IT!  I'VE HAD ALL THE <BLEEP> I'M GOING TO PUT UP WITH FROM
} THIS <BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEP>!!!"
}
}     "Orrie?"
}
} The Oracle stops in mid-windup, lightning bolt in hand.  "Yes, Lisa,
} dear?"
}
}     "You weren't about to <ZOT> that querent, were you, Orrie?"
}
} "Umm, well, just a little.  See, look what he said about me, and he
} didn't even grovel one tiny little bit.  Heck, he didn't even say
} please or thank you.  He..."
}
}     "That was very rude of him, I know, but he does have a point."
}
} "Huh?"
}
}     "You didn't finish reading.  Look:"
}
}     4. Made up of people.
}
} "Ummm... but ... surely you don't mean..."
}
}     "It's right there in the help file, Orrie."
}
} "Oh all right.  Oh insolent one, your question shall be answered and
} your unworthy keister spared.  The Oracle is human in the sense of
} definition 4, in that he depends on all you sluggards out there to
} answer questions and help clear the queue.  You owe The Oracle mail to
} oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with the words "ask me" in the subject.
} There, I did it.  Uh, Lisa?"
}
}     "Yes, Orrie?"
}
} "Do you love me anyway?"
}
} We regret that, in order to prevent network overload and congressional
} investigations, Lisa's response cannot be included here.  Suffice it
} to say that her answer was in the affirmative, with a convincing
} demonstration.  Thank you for your understanding.
}
} -- The Management


425-05    (37a73 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle! The very utterance of thy name bringeth great
> trembling of knees and averting of eyes! Whose feet humankind is not
> worthy to grovel before! To whom the great mysteries of the universe
> are but a crossword puzzle and whose coffee never goes cold.
>
> For time eternal, you have answered many questions postulated by my
> unworthy species. It is known that you may only answer a question asked
> of you. Tell me, is there a question which you would like to be asked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the beginning of time, I have been forced to answer questions I
} am asked by mere mortals.  When I was at Delphi, it wasn't so bad,
} because people had to journey there to ask me a question, which they
} didn't do unless they had a really good question.  But then the gods at
} olympus decided to connect me to iuvax, and now anyone who can send
} mail to Internet can ask me a question.
}
} The questions seldom indicate that the supplicant has an understanding
} of the power of my answers.  Often the questions contain poor
} groveling, or groveling which borders on the disgusting (i.e., "Oh most
} wise Oracle, whose nose I am not worthy to pick, ...").  You get the
} idea.  Generally, supplicants really don't much care about me, and
} think they have some right to have me answer their questions.  Often
} they ask stupid questions, and they never seem to care whether or not I
} want to answer them.  This is my biggest peeve.  You see, I
} occaisionally wish some wise mortal would consider what I want.
} Perhaps they could ask what question I want to answer ...
}
} Hey!  That was your question, wasn't it.  The Oracle is very pleased
} with your wisdom the wisdom you demonstrate and is going to grant you
} three things:
}
}       1)  You no longer have to grovel when you ask the oracle a
}           question.
}
}       2)  The Oracle will answer any questions you ask, and not ask for
}           any payment in return.
}
}       3)  The Oracle will give you a <ZOT>-gaurd, just in case a future
}           incarnation forgets this agreement.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, as your wisdom and compassion is
} payment enough.


425-06    (53c55 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } No, of *course* I never experiment with time travel, it's much too
> } dangerous.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Oh one most wise, I have noticed recently that things seem to get
} > out of place.  Take last Monday, for instance, it followed Wednesday;
} > I had to report on Monday's meeting on Tuesday, I somehow managed to
} > do this even though I really had it two days later!
} >
} > I can only imagine that you have been up to something?


425-07    (01ad6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great oracle, Lord of the Internet, please answer my humble
> supplications.
>
> I ask only a simple question to your greatnes:
>
> Why is it that when the letters to Santa are rearanged, they spell
> Satan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SANTA and SATAN both have the same letters.
}
} They are both typically portrayed as wearing red and black.
}
} They both consort with beings with pointed ears and elaborate horns or
} antlers.
}
} They both have great magical powers.
}
} People dress like them at holidays.
}
} Kinzler asked both of them for help with his latest project.
}
} And (pay attention) NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN THEM TOGETHER.
}
} You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that THIS IS NOT
} A COINCIDENCE.  Think about that the next time you sit in his lap.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of milk, a plate of cookies, and your soul.


425-08    (477b1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sir(TM),
>
> we were told that you are pretending to be an oracle.
> As you probably know, Oracle is a registered trademark of
> Oracle Inc.
>
> Unless you're a real Oracle (that Delphi(TM) type) you are not
> allowed to use the name Oracle in public.
>
> Please send us a proof that you ARE a real Oracle, or
> stop using our trademark
>
> P.S. Oracle Inc. is  ZOTproof, so <ZOT>(TM) will not help you.
>
> ------------
> <ZOT> is a registered trademark of somebody we do not know
> Sir is a registered trademark of Queen Elisabeth 2nd
> Delphi is a registered trademark of Circe Inc., Greece

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, a foolish mortal, who fails to realize exactly what he
} {or she} (sorry Lisa) is dealing with.  Oracles come and go, and I
} am the one true Oracle.  It is true that in the past I used to
} work for the city of Delphi, but the pay was lousy, so I went into
} hybernation for a couple of milennia, only to come back to spread
} my wisdom to the world.
}
}       Zot is a registered trademark of the Usenet Oracle, foolish
} mortal, and although a corporation can not be directly Zotted(tm), the
} stock, computers, property, credit rating, officers, and lawyers are
} able to be zotted by a zot -9 command.  For using my trademark without
} my permision, I am afraid that I must ZOT Oracle Inc's bond rating and
} stock market price.  Since this is a first offense, I will be lenient.
}
}       I am afraid that your lawyers have made a mistake in claiming
} that I am not a true Oracle.  My very existance proves that I am the
} one true Oracle, and since I played a significant role in the creation
} of this universe, trademark law does not apply to me, as I trademarked
} the universe and it's entire contents about 9 billion years ago.
} Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pink slip for your laywers.


425-09    (49b42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Why ask why ?"
> "Just do it !"
> "Gotta have it !"
>
> Can all the great truths of the world be expressed as three word
> slogans ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle finds it intriguing that you equate advertisements with
} great truths.  The answer to your question, however, is that all of
} life's great truths are expressible by a three word slogan in some
} language of the galaxy.  For example, the Thnith race of Rigel Four
} uses a slogan "Storth a kring" which translates into English roughly
} as, "Never affix a large, heavy object to anything which will later be
} used as a floatation device".
}
} Life's great truths are not all expressible in the English language,
} much less in three word slogans.  You owe the Oracle a pair of Air
} Jordans, a Pepsi, and a six-pack of Bud Dry.


425-10    (25g61 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to annoy the Technical Director?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten ways to annoy the technical director:
}
} 1.  Send Mail from his terminal to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with the
}     word 'subscribe' in the subject line.
} 2.  Set up a shell to monitor how much of his CPU power is eaten up by
}     TETRIS.
} 3.  Go to a meeting and ask him a question he can't answer.
} 4.  Empty his waste-paper-basket - he is sure to need the little sheet
}     at the bottom of it only the next day.
} 5.  Seduce his daughter and side-leap with his secretary. (Works esp.
}     fine if secretary is male.) Then marry the daughter of the company
}     boss.
} 6.  Get his confidence and promise to do this important job he has not
}     time for (remember what I said about CPU-monitoring?) but badly
}     needs to have done because his carreer depends on it. Then don't do
}     it.
} 7.  Buy (or lend) a bigger car than he has (car phone is essential, if
}     he hasn't got one) and park it on *his* parking place.
} 8.  Fix a paper with 'Do not disturb' on it at his door, when he expects
}     an important visitor. Make another sheet from his personal letter
}     paper with his name imprinted on it for the lavatory sink right
}     above the water tap. Write "Open = turn left, Close = turn right" on
}     it.
} 9.  Find out that he had bad marks at school in mathematics,
}     handcrafting and English.
} 10. Make yourself indispensable. Then join another company.
}
} You owe the Oracle the top ten ways to annoy the Oracle. And it better
} cover the subject of a lack of groveling!


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