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Internet Oracularities #426

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426, 426-01, 426-02, 426-03, 426-04, 426-05, 426-06, 426-07, 426-08, 426-09, 426-10


Usenet Oracularities #426    (34 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 08:46:34 -0500

@@@ The Usenet Oracle has been getting a lot of traffic lately, and so
@@@ I'm going to put out a couple of digests in quick succession... no
@@@ more than one a day.  This will make up for the LONG weekend. --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   426
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

426   34 votes 1bd72 8a871 27cb2 69c43 ac822 3a6a5 27c94 246ca 59c44 3d963
426   2.9 mean  2.9   2.5   3.1   2.7   2.2   3.1   3.2   3.7   2.8   2.8


426-01    (1bd72 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle!
> Your hands it was that built the earth!
> Your feet it was that hardened the ground!
> Your tears it was that flooded the oceans!
> Your dazzling radiance it was that lit the sky!
> Your absent-mindedness it was that created the mosquitoes!
>
> Answer me this question, O mighty one:
>
> According to the calendar, today is the first official day of spring.
> However, it's still cold outside.  What is happening?  Is somebody
> falling down on the job or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      My dear supplicant, you must realize what the most powerful force
} in the universe is, the one that overwhelms all:
}
} Red tape.
}
} Spring will be here 'any day now', all the paperwork is not quite done.
}
} You owe the Oracle large roll of (non-red) tape.


426-02    (8a871 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> askme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Why did unicorns only let innocent female virgins ride them?
}
} > Why were we all born unto this earth only to suffer and die?
}
} > I seem to have lost myself, can you tell me where to find me?
}
} > It is a popular belief in 20th century America that if a young man
} > masterbates hair will grow on his palms, and he'll go blind.  My
} > friends and I were debating whether my condition, hair growing out of
} > my eyeballs, and loss of motor-function in my hands, might arise from
} > the same habit?~
}
} > Will Lisa ever marry me?
}
} > Should all drugs be legalized?
}
} > How do you win at Tetris? No, no, I mean: How can I win at Tetris?
}
} > Oh great and wondrous oracle answer me this:
} >
} > Why is the English word for mispronunciation (cacoepy) impossible to
} > pronounce?
}
} > >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood?
} > >
} > >} Omega password accepted.
} > >}
} > >} What would you like to change, O Lord?
} >
} > PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty"
} > SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold"
} >
} > IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS.
} > DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS
}
} > Now my apartment is full of lice and ice and flat flounders writing
} > on the walls and bags of frozen blueberries crying for home and
} > comfort and bed and dozens and dozens of little squirrrles all
} > looking at me and saying "catacomb catacomb catacomb" at me in
} > unison.  And there is a great big pear in one corner reading the New
} > York Times.  And there is a great big orange in the other corner
} > trying to figure out how to play the bassoon without a mouth.  And I
} > haven't even mentioned the toasters, but I won't because it said it
} > would turn all the toast into bacon if I said anything about it and I
} > don't like bacon.  And Dan Rather is sitting on the blue elephant and
} > eating taco chips and Phyllis Schlafly who isn't Just Saying No to
} > anything at all today.  And the beef in oyster sauce is dancing a
} > merry tango with the clay statue of Thomas Jefferson.  And there are
} > two hundred and sixteen green glass marbles, too.
} >
} > But where are the skunks?  I invited the skunks specially!  This
} > party is for them!
}
} > Dear Oracle,
} >
} > Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point.
} > Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring.
} > Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my
} > mood so much better.  And then I get answers that are pathetic.
} >
} > Why is this?
}
} > How much acid should I drop tomorrow?  What kind?
}
} > Can one ever be said to be an essential extension of one's own
} > ontological existence?
}
} > How do you know when you are really successful?


426-03    (27cb2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose parking meter never needs another quarter, please
> answer my humble question:
>
> Should I build a new castle, or feed the poor?
> (I know Mel Brooks said it first, but I need to find out!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why not build a White Castle, and do both?
}
} You owe the Oracle a zen meal: Make me one with everything.


426-04    (69c43 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, whose grovelling requirements are far beyond the the
> comprehension of mere mortals, whose answers are far beyond the
> comprehension of mere mortals, and whose sex life is _certainly_ beyond
> the comprehension of mere mortals, tell me-
>
> Why does swiss cheese have all the holes in it when it's limburger that
> _really_ needs the ventilation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Swiss cheese was long ago named the official dairy product of the
} Vatican, and hence is known as the world's holiest cheese.  As you have
} noted, limburger is not holey at all.


426-05    (ac822 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will happen when I send a mail to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
> with the words 'ZOT me' or 'ZOTme' in the subject line?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try it!  You'll die!  Laughing!
}
} You owe a pin from the " Oracles against ZOT " society.


426-06    (3a6a5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Drat and damn!
> I cannot fence the knackwurst --
> though once I England ruled,
> now there I must go a beggar
> like the sodden rain.
> But ho!
> What knight through yonder window breaks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Thunder. First Apparition. An armed head.]
}
} Supplicant: Tell me, thou unknown power...
} Lisa: He knows thy thought. Hear his speech, but say thou naught.
} Oracle: Supplicant! Supplicant! Supplicant! Beware the knackwurst;
}         Beware the knight of fife! Dismiss me. Enough.
} [he descends]
} S: Whate'er thou art, for thy good caution thanks!
}    Thou hast harped my fear aright. But one word more--
} L: He will not be commanded. Here's another, more potent than the
}    first.
} O: Supplicant! Supplicant! Supplicant!
} S: Had I three ears, I'ld hear thee.
} O: Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn the pow'r of man,
}    for none of knackwurst born shall harm the supplicant.
} S: Then live, knight of fife, What need I fear of thee?
}    but yet I'll make assurance double sure
}    and take a bond of fate. Thou shalt not live!
}    That I may tell pale-hearted fear it lies
}    and sleep in spite of sodden rain.
}
}    What is this
}    that rises like the issue of a king
}    and wears upon his baby-brow *my* round and top
}    of sovereignty?
} L: Listen, but speak not to't.
} O: Be Lion-Mettled, proud and take no care
}    who chafes, who frets, and where beggars are.
}    The supplicant shall never be vanquished until
}    sodden rain to high Knackwurst Hill
}    shall come against him.
} S: That will never be.
}    Who can impress the sodden rain,
}    bid the clouds unfix its airbound path?
}    Sweet bodements, good!
}    Rebellious dead rise never till the sodden rain
}    fall, and our supplicant shall live the lease of nature,
}    pay his breath to time and mortal custom. Yet my heart
}    throbs to know one thing. Tell me, if your art
}    can tell so much -- shall Knackwursts issue ever
}    reign in this kingdom?
} L: Seek to know no more.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Bow of Outrageous Fortune that he may have
} a use for his slings and arrow.


426-07    (27c94 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > -see previous grovel-
> >
> > -see following question-
> >
> (and I want a good answer this time.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? The Oracle ALWAYS gives good answers!
} Taking that into account, the obvious answer is:
}
} -see previous answer-
}
} You owe The Oracle an infinitely recursive function, in COBOL.


426-08    (246ca dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Daft?
> Was I daft -- or not --
> when once I posted thrice running,
> three long and fulsome flames,
> to rec.arts.twinkies.
>
> Behold! They called me daft --
> They *dared* to call me daft --
> when all around, on every side
> the pilots and the Mexicans,
> their glowing toupees held aloft,
> did boogie 'round the altar.
>
> Why, then, could Mr. Smith
> (His name I change, his face remains the same)
> upon news.amiga.sri-lanka
> or talk.keg.source-code
> or even rec.pasta.machine.plausibility
> dare then to call me daft?
>
> Did not he dread my wrath?
> Did not he fear my tentacles?
> Did not he know the fell
> and fulsome dreadful consequences
> of my most dread displeasure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor mortal supplicant, thou art
} Afflicted with a curse,
} For every time thou sendeth mail,
} Thou goest from bad to verse.
}
} A terminal disease afflicts
} And that is sure a crime,
} Your poetry will never scan,
} (It sure as hell don't rhyme!)
}
} It seems to me, poor mortal soul,
} You are indeed in strife!
} Abandon ye your nerdish ways,
} And get yourself a life!
}
} This mortal coil has more to it
} Than rec... and comp... and alt...
} Those newsgroups have gazumped your mind
} (But that is not _my_ fault.)
}
} I sometimes sit here on my throne,
} (With Lisa on my lap),
} And listen to all sorts of things,
} No better than this crap.
}
} Peculiar obsessions all,
} I shat so much I laughed,
} Bitch all you like, you silly nerd,
} *I'M* telling you... YOU'RE DAFT.
}
} But now I see the problem!
} What it appears to be
} Is that your crappy poetry
} Has sprung from your PC!
}
} What software madness can this be?
} Some nasty, buggy, TROFF?
} Word Perfect gone into a loop?
} Away with ye, &^%$ off!
}
} Or stay there in that lonely room,
} That wretched little hovel,
} And mind that when me next you call,
} You don't forget to grovel!
}
} (On second thoughts, I ought to say,
} I rather kind of like you,
} I would prefer, however,
} That you question me in haiku!)
}
} You owe the Oracle some decent poetry...


426-09    (59c44 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I cut a hole in my jeans, exposing my butt for all the world to see,
> as a protest against injustice at Yale.  Will my protest be effective?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  You will just be em-bare-assed.
} You owe the Oracle a new straight man.


426-10    (3d963 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Poly-omni Oracle, deity of floccinaucinihilipilification, please grant
> me an answer, even though I be an insignificant mortal, not worthy of
> your little toe's nail's attention.
>
> How can I get onto a MUD game? (Any game will do, but preferably in the
> UK).
>
> I await your infallible answer with eager anticipation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O insignificant mortal who is being quite ignored by my smallest
} toenail (it being busy with something more important, namely Carmen
} Sandiego),
}
} You have two options.  One is to get a large truck of fill dirt, a
} watertower full of water, several large spoons, and some elbow grease.
} Mud is easy to make, and if you pour it down the backplane of the
} mainframe, the sysops will certainly let you have whatever MUD you want
} just to make you behave.
}
} The other is to get elected to public office.  Politicians have been
} living in their own virtual reality for centuries, and they apparently
} have a pretty damn good time while they are there.  Party on!


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