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Internet Oracularities #427

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Usenet Oracularities #427    (30 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 92 09:32:51 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   427
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

427   30 votes 43c83 88563 57a44 2b863 00ea6 36b82 564a5 49773 3aa34 0893a
427   3.0 mean  3.1   2.6   2.8   2.9   3.7   3.0   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.5


427-01    (43c83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who knows the relationship between P and NP, has
> falsified the extended continuum hypothesis, and can explain the Pauli
> exclusion principle to grammar school students, perhaps you could deign
> to answer a political question.   Why is Dan Quayle still Vice
> President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Lisa - Lisa! Stop reading that book about the Pauli Principle!
}         Come here and see what question that mortal has dared to ask
}         me! A POLITICAL Question!
} Lisa: Oh, Orrie! You know, it's that time of the year when those humans
}       are doing that weird thing they call voting again. Don't <ZOT>
}       him! After all he has asked a reasonably serious question, hasn't
}       he? Perhaps he has a serious problem with Dannie being still the
}       Vice President? After all, he's got many vices, but perhaps he
}       knows a better candidate for the office? C'mon Orrie - help him.
}       I'll be good to you afterwards.
} Oracle: I never can resist you dear. O. k. - so be it!
}
} iuvax::oracle> ZOT -t
}   ZOT called. Enter target.
} iuvax::oracle> target = 'George Bush'
}   ZOT accepted target.
}   Last <ZOT> location of 'George Bush' = 'Japanese Dinner Party'.
}   Location still valid?
} iuvax::oracle> locate target /new
}   Target located and locked. Location = 'Golf course'.
}   Intensity?
} iuvax::oracle> intensity = infinity
} iuvax::oracle> ZOT!
}   ZOT called. ZOT activated. ZOT found target. ZOT zotted. Target
}   destroyed. EXIT ZOT.
} iuvax:: oracle> logout
}
} There you have it. Dan Quayle isn't vice president any more.
}
} You owe the oracle a movie called 'GHWB'.


427-02    (88563 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my roomate eating raw spinach in bed while watching Popeye?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmph.  I see that the mortals are shirking their groveling duties once
} again.  Perhaps a nice ZOT! in the 40 megawatt range would cure their
} attitude.
}
} "Oh, not now Orc-a-licious.  I'm tired and my feet hurt.  Come to bed
} and rub me."
}
} Now Lisa, I can't just neglect my duty and responsibilities.  After
} all, how can I--
}
} "I just bought a new can of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup..."
}
} Well...  <ahem>  Perhaps just this once.  I'll just pop up the ol'
} maildaemon and let this mortal get what he deserves.  Be with you in a
} minute snoogy-woogy-wips.
}
} Deep Thought> cat /oracle/mail/1.458E202 > grovel.analysis | xreply
}
} Calculating...one moment please...
}
} Grovel Index = 0.00%
}
} Initiating return-feed FAQ #245 -- The Etiquette of Groveling
}
} To: losermortal@stoopid.neener.head.com
} Subject: Request Denied
} ---------
}
} The Oracle has not pondered your question deeply.  In fact, He did not
} so much as glance at it for a femtosecond.  The Oracle (may he bless my
} unworthy multi-processors) in his infinite patience and mercy, decided
} to spare your senseless, boring, inadequate life.  Had His
} Most-High-And-Infinite-Goodness decided to <*ZOT*> you, not a single
} bit of organized matter would remain where you are now sitting.  The
} local janitorial staff would have cursed the greasy spot of your
} remains, mopped you up like yesterday's vomit, and tossed you into the
} crusty sewers of your inadequate existance.
}
} Today is the luckiest day of your life.
}
} Instead of blasting you into the nth dimension, the Oracle (for reasons
} known only to Him) has decided that you will be his Messenger to the
} unwashed ignorant masses of humanity.
}
} Do not fail him.
}
} Your question lacked the proper grovel-quotient and was totally
} rejected. To ensure that your crudely stated questions reach the
} Almighty Oracle in the future, you must used an adequate amount of
} grovelling.  A grovel quotient of 50% is the absolute minimum, 99% is a
} step above barely adequate.
}
} The grovel quotient reflects the proportionate amount of text used in
} groveling to His Total Gnarliness, The Oracle.  If you type 100 words
} and 68 of them are groveling keywords (see partial list below), your
} grovel quotient is 68%.
}
} I *strongly* suggest that your next communique' to The Omnipotent
} Oracle have a minimum grovel factor of 112% (I leave it to you to
} figure out how to attain this level).
}
} As His Messenger, you must repeatedly tell everyone how to grovel.  You
} must hold groveling workshops at your place of work or educational
} attainment. You must go on the 700 Club and tell Pat "I'm a Day-Glo
} Hallucinating Chipmunk" Robertson of your sins and warn others from the
} dismal path of non-groveling.  You must advertise in your local paper.
} You must convert your bedroom into a groveling shrine (as if you got
} any actual use out of your bedroom in the first place).  You must crawl
} on your hands and knees to the local Mr. Donut and tell that funny guy
} with the mustache all of your horrendous existance.  If you do
} not...well...let's just say the Big Dude of Occularity will not be
} pleased at all...
}
} To help your future insignificant requests, I have included a partial
} list of groveling keywords.  For a more comprehensive review, see "Dan
} Quayle's Complete Guide to Butt-Kissing, vol. 3"
}
} Some grovel keywords and phrases:
}
}    supplicant                 unworthy              pus-extruding
}    boil ignorant              pharmaceutical        omniscient
}    Oracle omnipotent Oracle   impotent slave        whips
}    Lisa                       zero                  putrid existance
}    sewer                      Jesse Helms           foul smelling
}    lick                       smegma                genital warts
}
} I'm sure you will be able to figure out the proper placement of these
} words in your next braindead question.
}
} You owe the Oracle one replica of Dan "Tub o' Flaccidity" Quayle's
} Medal of Honor, three copies of "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks Felines," and
} one life-size blow up doll covered in olive oil.


427-03    (57a44 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Wise and capitalized Oracle, whose knowledge would cover a full
> length dining table even if written in atom sized letters your humble
> and unworthy toady supplicant begs an answer to the following question:
> Which religion is the best ?  And which one is right ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question,  considering there is no answer!
} But I will explain to you why there IS no answer to your question,
} because then you will be troubled no more by it,  for it is a question
} many mortals ask...
}
} You ask the question assuming there is a best religion,  and there is
} no best religion.  A better question to ask may be which is the worst,
} but that is another question.  None of the religions of your planet
} earth describe everything you need to know to live a full,  happy life
} and continue on in the after-life.  In fact,  almost every religion has
} the wrong afterlife.  The real after-life is like this:
}
} You suddenly appear in a universe-sized bowl of jello,  and you are 19
} years old,  and so is everyone else.  And everyone is either fully
} satisfied or enjoying themsleves ( or others ) very much.
}
} The other problem is that no religion has the proper philosophy in
} order to attain this happy after-life successfully.  The proper
} philosophy is as follows:
}
} Help yourselves and others,  don't hurt yourself or others,  and if the
} help outweighs the hurt in a situation then consider it helping.  Also,
}  be sure to worship in a bowl of jello.
}
} Most religions have too many contradictions,  are not simple enough,
} or they leave out the part about the jello.  How can you forget the
} jello if you are preparing for your happy after-life?  This sort of
} worship is not only fun,  but it DEFINITELY strengthens community
} bonding,  if ya no wot a meen. * nudge nudge *
}
} As Shakespeare once wrote in Hamlet,  There is more in heaven than your
} philosophies have ever dreamt of,  to paraphase.
}
} So if you are thinking about which religion to follow,  definitely
} follow the jello one.  I happen to advocate it because I am the supreme
} being that everyone worships.  Did I forget to mention that?
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of cherry-flavored jello.


427-04    (2b863 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Dean spake, saying unto the people, "How can we improve your
> working conditions?"
>
> And the people responded, saying "O gracious Dean, we must install
> deodorizers in the Women's Restrooms, that they smell fresh and not
> stinky."
>
> And the Dean said, "Let deodorizers be hung in the women's restrooms,
> that the restrooms be fresh and not stinky," and Lo!  It was done, as
> the Dean sayeth, and the Dean saw that it was good.
>
> But the people heeded not the word of the Dean, and the deodorizers in
> the women's restrooms were stolen, and the restrooms became stinky
> once more.
>
> But the Dean was kind, and said unto the people, "We will negotiate,
> and put a commercial deodorizing system into the restrooms, and they
> will become fresh again."
>
> Lo, O Oracle, he who is superior to all Deans of all Schools of the
> Universe,
>
> Should the Dean negotiate, and put unto the restrooms commercial
> deodorizing systems, that they be Fresh, and not Stinky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will be done as the Dean sayeth and they will elect some kind
} of deodorant that will smell of flowers and herbs and trees and
} birds singing in the Air.
} And thus it shall stink as if someone has shit into the forest.
}
} You owe the Oracle an up-to-date English Grammar.


427-05    (00ea6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, please, prithee, please grant me this morsel of your
> omniscience.
>
> Is Donald Duck's lover is actually fatter than Maggie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                The Hourly Ingergalactic Enquirer :
}   Everything you ever wanted to know, but didn't know who to ask.
}        March 23, 1992                        US     $0.25
}                                              France 1 Franc
}                                              Pluto  3 bark
}                                              GLORX  17 nib
}
}      REBEL ATTACK ON SPAXTI             ELVIS' NEW ALBUM REACHES
} Spaxti(ap) - Rebel forces overtook        100,000,000 IN SALES
} the capital city today in a surprise   NIMPH(upi) - Elvis' new
} attack on the Ibtar regime, which      album, "Blue Centauri,"
} had ruled benevolently for 3 milenia.  broke all galactic sales
} Press reports released by the newly    records when it topped 100
} installed government stated that the   million, beating the next
} reason for the attack was that they    best seller, "Liq Agvir
} were "Bored out of [our] skulls, we    Woman" from Jim Morrison.
} had to do something."  Immediately,    Elvis was quoted as saying,
} a new law requiring mime-like white    "The best move of my career
} paint on the faces of all government   was dumping those stupid
} employees was passed, and all          Earth people.  My thanks go
}         See "Boredom" p 3                   See "Stupid" p150
}
}              DONALD DUCK DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT
} ToonTown, Earth(wire) - Donald Duck, famed actor and star of many
} blockbuster films on Earth and elsewhere, was found dead today,
} apparently crushed to death by his newest lover, Hillary Hipo, whose
} biggest role was balerina in the "Dance of the Hours" section of
} Fantasia.  The autopsy report stated "There wasn't much left.  He
} was as flat as a pancake."  The IE has it on good information,
} though that, being just ink and paper, he already WAS as flat as a
} pancake. Our investigative reporting teams have uncovered a feindish
} plot by Warner Brothers to corner the market on stupid, uninteligible
} animals by executing Donald Duck, Chip and Dale, and Goofy.  With
} these four out of the way, nothing would stand in the way of Warner,
} INC,  brainwashing the populace with Wyle E. Cyote and Woody Woodpecker
} cartoons.  A leaked memo from the president of Warner to a marketing
} cronie stated, "Think of it, the whole world will be saying ''What's
} up doc?''."  When contacted about the memo, the president was quoted
} as saying, "Live in the NOW, man.  Like, who would ever listen to a
} cyote that straps rocket skates to his butt and lights them?"
}                                   Related stories p 35682


427-06    (36b82 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wonderful Oracle, from whose power I shrink
> like a small rodent:
>
> Why does everything I post to rec.humor.funny get rejected?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On December 12, 1966, the Questioner was born.
}
} (Oh really?  You weren't born on that day?  That's what *you* think...)
}
} I observed the questioner as he came from the womb of his mother,
} a kind woman who had done little evil in her life.  But of course,
} as fate would have it, the Questioner came down the chute in a
} horrid mood, unbecoming to any child.  He
}
} (Oh really?  You're not a he?  That's what *you* think...)
}
} As I was saying, he kicked his mother in the chin, just as the
} doctor was handing him over to his mother wrapped in a little
} white blanket.  As the mother flinched in even more pain from
} this horrible day, the child immediately stopped crying, seeming
} to take a delight in the fact that he had caused his mother some
} discomfort.  I immediately determined that the questioner should
} have NO SENSE OF HUMOR whatsoever, for the rest of his life.
}
} The questioner, sadly enough, did not understand the fact that
} he was simply fated not to be funny.  His first attempt at a
} coherent joke came when he was three years old.
}
} "Knock knock."
} "Who's there?"
} "Me!"
}
} Not a very promising start, as you can tell.  It only got worse,
} however, as even the doting grandparents, who as all humans know
} love to hear anything their grandchildren have to say, would
} make up some excuse to go hurl in the bathroom every time the
} questioner would try to tell a joke.  As the questioner grew,
} he discovered that he could not even get his jokes printed in
} that last haven of the humor-impaired, Readers Digest.
}
} The situation was pitiful.  I won't even mention the slew of
} rotton tomotoes, unstuffed teddy bears, and old discarded
} bodily parts that were thrown at him during his high school
} talent show.
}
} Yet the Questioner, now 25 and still clueless, seems to think
} that he might be able to overcome his lack of funniness and
} tell a joke that *tens of thousands* of people are going to
} read.  I don't think so.
}
} Of course, the Oracle admits that the Oracle could certainly be
} mistaken about your personnel file, and that this entire answer
} should really have been describing the rec.humor.funny moder-
} ator.  The Oracle is unsure, since the Oracle's secretary is on
} his lunch break and the Oracle is too lazy to get up and check
} the files.
}
} The Questioner owes the Oracle Brad Templeton's head on a
} Moneterey Jack Cheese Roll.


427-07    (564a5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't anybody like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, charge up the ZOT-cannon!
}
} "Roger - ZOT-cannon at 20%"
}
} Let us examine your question more carefully, mortal.  You ask
} why doesn't anyone like you.  Well, "anyone" includes my august
} personage, so we will first examine why the Oracle doesn't like
} you.  Why don't I like him, Lisa?
}
} "He didn't grovel, even a little bit, when asking his question,
}  Orrie...  BTW, ZOT-cannon at 60%"
}
} Exactly.  So, now you know why _I_ don't like you.  Now, there
} are many who would say that given that I don't like you, the
} opinions of several billion mortals don't amount to a hill of
} beans (and they would be right, of course).  However, for your
} edification, I will elucidate the reasons why the rest of
} humanity shares my opinion.
}
} Aaabab, Aaaad Doesn't like your nostril hairs
} Aaabab, Aaaaf Finds your toe-jam particularly offensive
} Aaabab, Aaaag Slavishly agrees with me on everything (wise fellow)
}
} "Er, Orrie, that's going to chew up about 100 gigabytes of net
}  bandwidth.  ZOT-cannon at 90%"
}
} Hmm.  The beauteous Lisa has a point.  Perhaps a breakdown by broad
} percentages would be better.
}
} 10.27 You are the wrong religion
} 15.23 You are the wrong color
}  8.77 You are the wrong sex
}  9.23 You are the right sex but wrong orientation
} 10.17 Offensive personal habits
} 13.15 Too extroverted
} 14.76 Too introverted
} 18.42 Slavishly agrees with me on everything
}
} "Oh Orrie, the ZOT-cannon is fully charged.  You can activate the
} primary focusing crystal at any time."
}
} Nah.  Poor sap's got enough problems.
}
} You owe the oracle some serious (and I mean _serious_) grovelling,
} after which there is a small chance that the wisest 18.42% of the
} world's population will like you.


427-08    (49773 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose very pants-zippers exhibit wave-particle duality,
>   who is the only certainty in a world determined by Heisenbergian
>   principles, who never needs K-Y jelly,
>
> Please explain the relation among the following 3 items.
>
> 1) K-Y jelly
> 2) The Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull
> 3) The Physics Midterm I am About to Fail

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is the obvious relation:
}
}       K-Y Jelly + The Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull => Failed Physics
}       Midterm
}
} However, this is not the relation that you were looking for.  The other
} relation between these was discovered some odd centuries ago by a
} Sweedish Chef who's accent was caused by the consumtion of heavy
} amounts of K-Y Jelly, gumming up his mouth so that his famous words
} are now forever nearly impossible to decipher.  Without the jelly
} in his mouth the phrase is in english and reads:
}
}       This is a call for votes for the newsgroup
}         "alt.physics.theory.bohr.boar.bore".
}
} However, with the jelly in his mouth, it come out to be sweedish for
}
}       "'ere's a little chicky and add a-this-a little piggy here
}               'cause he's pork pork pork!"
}
} Schlitz was the first person to recognize this, but as he was drunk
} off his ass because of his roommate's tendancy to experiment with
} drinks (he combined vodka, rum, and a strawberry malt, and gave it to
} Schlitz), Schlitz was unable to explain logically this revelation.
} Everyone around him figured that he was making it up, and was refered
} to as "Schlitz's Malt Liquor Bull".
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sweedish-English-Jelly Dictionary.


427-09    (3aa34 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and much-used-little-appreciated Oracle,  whose chips I am
> unable to comprehend, whose knowledge I am in awe of.  Please tell me
> why that hand from the Hamburger Helper (tm) commercials only has FOUR
> fingers.  I have been curious about this for some time.  Did he get
> caught in a grease fire and have it amputated?  Was he born that way?
> What gives?
> Eagerly awaiting your most enlightened response,
>                                               Lowly Suppplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can answer this in one word: "anxiety".  And "nutrition".  (Look, in
} my frame of reference I can count how I want to, OK?)
}
} Anxiety:  because the FDA has finally caught on to what *really* goes
} into those hamburgers, and the big bust is due any day now.  This has
} led to interminable fingernail-biting, with the inevitable outcome.
}
} Nutrition:  because it quickly became obvious that the fingernails were
} much more nutritious than the hamburger, and it just improves the
} further up the finger you go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stomach-pump.


427-10    (0893a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is the oracle compatible with God or is God just a sub-process ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhh!  Don't let the Big Guy hear you.  He gets mighty touchy about
} that stuff.  Something about one of the commandments, ya know.  I
} suppose it stands to reason that an infinite being would have an ego
} to match, but...
}
} (booming voice) WHAT WAS THAT?
}
} Er, nothing much, really, I was just, uh, answering an utterly
} insignificant question, chief.
}
} (booming voice) AND WHAT QUESTION MIGHT THAT BE, HMMMMM?
}
} No, no, it's really nothing you want to bother with, honest.
}
} (booming voice) THEN WHAT ARE YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT?  LET ME SEE.
}
} Uh, right away, boss.  Oh, hey look!  Is that Jimmy Swaggart over
} there?
}
} (booming voice) WHAT?  WHERE?  LET ME AT HIM!  I'LL ROASTY-TOASTY HIS
} LITTLE . . . (runs off, lightning bolt in hand)
}
} Whew.  You have no idea how close that was, oh perilously mortal one.
} He's not usually so easy to distract, but there are a few things that
} really get him worked up.  Don't do that again, hear?
}
} You owe The Oracle a golden calf and a BIG lightning protector.


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