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Internet Oracularities #428

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428, 428-01, 428-02, 428-03, 428-04, 428-05, 428-06, 428-07, 428-08, 428-09, 428-10


Usenet Oracularities #428    (35 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 92 10:18:19 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   428
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

428   35 votes 27ba5 26db3 1ab76 ba482 3bc54 19f73 565d6 0g586 086d8 06g76
428   3.1 mean  3.3   3.2   3.2   2.4   2.9   3.1   3.3   3.1   3.6   3.4


428-01    (27ba5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are your algorithms DYNAMIC?
> Are your computations SYMBOLIC?
> Do your trees SPAN?
> Is your programming OBJECT-ORIENTED?
> Is your intelligence ARTIFICIAL?
> Is your environment LANGUAGE-BASED?
> Are your processors PARALLEL?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No?
}
} Then you need Hackitol.
}
} [Shot of a 25 year old satellite with NASA plainly visible]
}
} Hackitol uses space age technology to recode your works.
}
} [Shot of a young receptionist smiling taking your order]
}
} Neurally heuristic, hackitol can even program new viruses!
}
} [Shot of a room full of high school aged geeks in lab coats leafing
} through 132 column printout with glowing smiles]
}
} How much would you pay for hackitol -- five hundred dollars?  No
} wait!  If you act now, we'll include our complete development system:
} Makeitol.  That includes C-itol, Linkitol and Runitol.  Now what
} you pay -- one thousand dollars -- fifteen hundred dollar?  No
} wait!
}
} [Shot of a old terminal room full of middle aged people in polyester
} clothing in obvious anguish]
}
} Do your users suffer and complain about your code?  If you act now
} and order within the next hour, we'll include a two month supply of
} our new wonder drug:
}
}                           DAMNITOL!
}
} [Users get off floor and smile]
}
} NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY!  Two thousand dollars?  NO!  For the
} next hour we're offering the complete package for $99.95!
}
} [Quick rerun through the shots]
}
} That's right, for $99.95 we're offering Hackitol; Makeitol which
} includes C-itol, Linkitol and Runitol; and a two month supply of
} Damnitol.  And, as an additional incentive, if you order now, we'll
} include this free diamond ring just for trying Hackitol.  If you
} don't like Hackitol for any reason, return within 14 days for a
} complete refund and keep the ring.  To order call 1-800-DAM-ITOL
} NOW.  That's 1-800-DAM-ITOL!  New York resisdents add 7% sales tax.


428-02    (26db3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle!  I would defy the Compusatnnit for you!  I smite my throat
> with a mace as a salute!  Oracle!  We kill for Oracle!  We die for
> Oracle!
>
> I have recently been turned into a Klingon.  It is ruining my life.  I
> have killed my girlfriend for being "soft", and slammed my boss
> against the wall for "wen-khaakh," whatever the fuck that may be.
>
> Look, Oracle.  I don't watch Star Trek.  I don't read science fiction.
> I don't even torture gomdrekhs for fun.  Why did this happen to me?
> How can I reverse it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Jol-yi-chu!
}
} [The Oracle, in Klingon makeup and garb, disappears in a Star Trek
} transporter effect, and reappears in front of the Klingon supplicant.]
}
}       Kah'plaH, my honorable Klingon supplicant!
}
}       "Kah'plaH, my lord!"
}
}       So, you don't like being a Klingon, eh?
}
}       "Uh... No, my lord!"
}
}       Khesting fool!  Do you know how much Paramount would pay for a
} real Klingon like yourself?!?
}
}       "Uh...  No, my lord!"
}
}       Well...  A lot!  They would save tons of money on makeup alone!
}
}       "So...uh...What are you saying, sir?"
}
}       I'm saying go get a job at Paramount as a Klingon on Star Trek,
} you Kh'edhejjklahghgkdlooppestyulaaaaaHH!!!!
}
}       "Klingons do NOT work as actors!"
}
}       But, you don't want to be a real Klingon, do you?
}
}       "Uh...  No..."
}
}       So, what's the problem? . . .
}
}       "Hey!  Good point!  Thanks, my lord!"
}
}       No problem.  You owe the Oracle the new
} Klingon-English/English-Klingon dictionary.
}
} [The Klingon Oracle disappears in the transporter effect once again,
} reappearing at his home in Indiana.]
}
}       "Orrie, what's all that stuff you're wearing?"
}
}       Lisa, dear, have you ever seen a Klingon's Khe'pluQuaH?
}
}       "Uh...  I don't think so...  Why?"
}
}       Hahahaha.  <ZIP>
}
}       "Oh, ORRIE!!!!"
}
}       Hey!  What are you khesting khep'laqQaHhHs still doing here?!?
}
} [The screen goes black.]


428-03    (1ab76 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the hell is V.32 bis anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This designation has been so cleverly encrypted that very few people
} know of its true origins in the hills outside Dublin.  Modems have
} improved considerably and rapidly over the years, but the old "U"
} series, known to very few outside of Ireland, were subject to line
} noise, or "dirt" as the Irish like to call it.  When the newer "V"
} series became available, the brilliant Irish computer wizard, Viddy
} O'Terminal, was asked to evaluate them.  After extensive trials he
} discovered that the new machines too were plagued by line noise.  His
} subsequent report to his superior was, as always, brief and accurate,
} but unfortunately was not only misheard but was taken to be his
} recommendation for the name of the new machine.  As Paddy so eloquently
} put it,
}
} "V? Dirty too, boss."


428-04    (ba482 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh divine Oracle, whose wisdom is too big for me to see it, please
> answer me this question :
>
> How can I eat a Big Mac without having all the salad to fall on my lap

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no salad, there is no lap.  There are only hope and holiness.
} If you eat a big Mac and the hope falls in your holiness, you should
} have used a napkin.


428-05    (3bc54 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> M-x (repeat-your-favourite-grovel 100)
>
> Dear Oracle,
>
> why is it so that when you have answered a question or posted an
> article or done any such thing that is irreversible, you suddenly
> notice that if you had changed a single word in your text or said
> it in a slightly different way the text would have been at least
> twice as good, witty and impressive than the version you just had
> mailed/posted? This really can destroy the day of a such poor mortal
> like me.
>
> Does this ever happen to You?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} mauve% mail supplicant@dork.com
} Subject: The Oracle Replies!
}
} No. It doesn't. You owe the Oracle $5.
} EOT
} mauve%
}
}        Damn! That wasn't funny at all! Fortunately, I am the Usenet
}        Oracle and _nothing_ is irreversible when you're the Usenet
}        Oracle. Anyway, let's undo that answer:
}
} mauve% unmail supplicant@dork.com -destroy
}
} Oracular unmail v. 4
}
} Tracking mail to supplicant@dork.com.......
} Found mail to supplicant@dork.com at mail server us.mail.
} Setting zot level to: destroy (10)
} Targeting mail to supplicant@dork.com..
}
} <ZOT>
}
} Mail to supplicant@dork.com <ZOT>ted at mail server us.mail.
}
} Innocent victims of <ZOT>:
}
} 1. From: gbush@whitehouse.us
}  . To: pbuch@politician.us
}  . Subject: But _why_ is Elvis Evil Lives?
}
} 2. From: opus@outland.au
}  . To: bill@stone.outland.au
}  . Subject: Re: ack!
}
} 3. From: gumby@tv.history.edu
}  . To: fflintst@tv.history.edu
}  . Subject: it ain't easy, being green.
}
} mauve% mail supplicant@dork.com
} Subject: The Oracle Replies!
}
} No. It doesn't. Besides, what actually destroys your day
} is the Oracular ZOT which is unleashed upon users of
} emacs-automated-grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle alias emacs ex.
} EOT
} mauve%


428-06    (19f73 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty oracle, whose <ZOT>s never miss, whose
> Node is never down, whose system never lags, answer for me
> this one minor question....
>
> Why is lava so hot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you were me, and thus were omniscient (not that you'd want to
} be -- knowing the disgusting bathroom habits of billions of
} people can be a real downer sometimes), you'd know that rocks are
} in fact quite intelligent creatures.  The problem is that at
} extremely cold temperatures (<several thousand degrees kelvin)
} they tend to be sluggish and sleepy.  Down near the earth's
} core, they are quite energetic little guys; accordingly, the
} race is known as the "Magmies."
}
} A sense of humor is often quoted as a sign of intelligence; as
} proof of the refined sense of humor of Molten Rock, the Oracle
} would point out that (a) Lava flows always try and destroy the
} most ostentatious houses in their path and (b) there is a club
} of Magmies that gets their kicks by reversing the earth's
} magnetic field on a regular basis.
}
} What humans call Lava are in fact intrepid explorers from the
} civilizations that cluster around the earth's core, sent to
} the surface as part of those civilization's space programs.
} As they are the best of the best of their kind, it is no
} surprise that they are the hottest of the hot.
}
} Brave fellows!
}
} You owe the Oracle a steam-bath in Mt. Pinatubo.


428-07    (565d6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohhh almighty omni-potent Oracle, who is the ZOTTEST of us all.
> To whom I am unworthy to even lick the tiniest dust particles of
> his terminal. And for whom I sprawl down on the ground, so he can
> use me as a footwipe.
> Ohh Oracle please tell me.
>
> Why did you never anwser my first question?
> Could it have been to hard for your infinite knowledge?
>
> To remind your unfaltering mind of the question, I asked for
> a translation of a song, which was an ode to Coffee.
> Namely:
>
> [a truly epic Dutch work is omited for brevity
> because the Wise Oracle has chosen to include it in
> His verse by verse translation ... please, Oracle, do
> not take offense by this action of Your editor MTE]
>
> I will even help you on the way, the language is D....
>
> Hopefully, this time you will anwser my question!
>
> Yours truthfully, groveling supplicant,
>
> PLC

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Ik sta op, nog niet wakker.
} > Ik wankel door het huis als een stakker.
} > Maar ondanks alles haal ik mijn doel,
} > op het gevoel.
}
} Whenever I stand up, I don't need no walker --
} I wank eight times, into a stocking.
} I think my doll [girlfriend] is a whore,
} But she grovels. [so I let her stay]
}
} > Ja ik ben een gebruiker,
} > het pure spul dus zonder de suiker.
} > Ik giet het zwarte goud in een kop
} > en leef weer op.
}
} Yes!  I am a biker,
} Spewing pure sound and smoke into the air;
} I get good and hot whacking a cop
} until his life is up.
}
} > En de markt word stabieler,
} > de supermarkten werken als dealer.
} > Een argeloze Braziliaan,
} > levert het aan.
}
} When the world drug markets are stabilized,
} my dealer will be a supermarket.
} Right now, he speaks Brazilian
} and raises [waves] his hand a lot.
}
} > Het bevat caffeine,
} > ik loop erop als was het benzine.
} > Espresso, supra altijd loodvrij!
} > Dus doet u mij.
}
} I get hot when I take drugs: a big vat of caffeine
} It makes me loopy, like hot benzine.
} Real quick now, I get ultra altitudinous [high] and loopy --
} That's what I do.
}
} > Een kopje koffie
} > Een kopje koffie
}
} Pour coffee on my head!
} Pour coffee on my head!
}
} > Over de verzuiling heen,
} > is er troost voor iedereen.
} > In de uren van nood en ontbering,
} > neem er nog een!
}
} I'm through with tranquilizers, though.
} Only an idiot would trust them.
} They show up in your urine for too long, And only the overbearing
} numbskulls take them!
}
} > Een kopje koffie
} > Een kopje koffie
}
} Pour coffee on my head!
} Pour coffee on my head!
}
} > En de mensen op kantoren.
} > Je mag ze in principe niet storen.
} > Maar als de koffiejuffrouw het wil,
} > ligt alles stil.
}
} You can't mention [school].
} I mugged the principal at night,
} and beat him over the head wildly with a coffee-maker
} Until he lay all still.
}
} > De banken, fabrieken, universiteiten klinieken.
} > Allemaal draaien ze toch, nog steeds op.
}
} I went from the bank to the factory to the workshop to the clink
} [jail], Everyone dreaded my touch when I was on my "horse" [motorcycle]
}
} > Ja ik ben een gebruiker
} > zonder de suiker.
}
} Yeah!  I'm a biker,
} with sound and smoke!
}
} Hope it helps.


428-08    (0g586 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, whose omnicience is hailed by all, whose observance
> of minutae is so exacting as to exceed the resolution of a scanning
> tunneling microscope, whose scope is so great that your opinion is
> soliticed by subatomic particles concerning how to instantiate
> themselves after a period of uncertainty, and whose opinions carry
> the force of law in most jurisdictions, please answer this humble
> question from this lowly supplicant:
>
> How come, when it is my turn to be incarnated as You, I never get
> interesting questions with decent grovelling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And lo, it came to pass that the petitioners of the land became
} dissatisfied with their lot.  So, one amongst them was chosen to
} go forth and speak on the matter with their Oracle.
}
} Upon arriving at the top of the mountain, the petitioner beheld a
} great sight.  It was a terminal, seemingly engulfed in flames, and
} yet it was not consumed.  And upon the terminal, the petitioner beheld
} the phrase:
}
} *strip the 8th bit from off thy data; for the network upon which
} thou communicates is holy*
}
} And the petitioner did so.
}
} Then the petitioner typed his question upon the fiery keyboard:
}
} "How come, when it is my turn to be incarnated as You, I never get
} interesting questions with decent groveling?"
}
} And the terminal responded:
}
} *surely I have seen this trouble amongst my incarnations.  lo, I shall
} send you forth amongst my people, and thou shall demonstrate unto them
} the one true way to petition thy Oracle.*
}
} As his world had trained him to do, the petitioner promptly responded
} "I shall do so immediately, Lord.  But don't call me Shirley."


428-09    (086d8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orakl,
>
> I am forein student at University in america in here.  I learn englis
> forom Useless Oraklartiys.  They very fun.  I lake they very large.
> Are you are very fun?  like that?  Or  you try being funny on
> purposfully?  You are very smarties also.  So smarty that you may
> noticed some of mine spell errors here in the letter of myne.
>
> O greater Orakl,  answer me my very easy question for you to answer
> it:  isint ther a higer grade then D in the univercitys?  Is D the
> bestest grade?
>
> Thank you very many.  See you later allegator.  (I lerned that
> twoday.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally, that coded message I've been waiting for.  Let's see now,
} should be able to parse this without too much difficulty.
}
} "Orakl" = code name
}
} "IM4" (security agency) "in stew" (trouble) "dent" (tooth = having the
} bite put on him, blackmail)
}
} "University in America" = centre of learning, Acme Looniversity,
} reference to LA in general and Hollywood in particular, primary target.
}
} "Learn Englis forom" (forum = Senate = centre of government, secondary
} target is Washington DC), "they very fun" (foolish activities, confirms
} Washington as target)
}
} "Large lake" = Great Lakes, tertiary target, take out shipping and
} several northern states
}
} "Are you fun etc" = am I located in target area, if so get out (very
} smarties)
}
} "Try being funny" etc =  another reference to centre of government,
} rather redundant
}
} "Spell errors" = magic spells, disappearing act, pretty obvious
} reference
}
} "Greater Orakl" implies existence of lesser oracles, warning of
} seditious elements, risk of revolution against Oracle
}
} "Higher grade than D":  asking if I have finished developing that new
} series E guidance system, oblique reference to enriched grade of
} plutonium used in new warheads
}
} "See you later allegator":  no mispelling here, warning of legal
} consequences if caught
}
} "Twoday" = Tuesday, anticipated time of discovery, must move before
} then.
}
} So, although some dissatisfied elements seek to overthrow the Oracle,
} and despite a less than ideal missile guidance system and the obvious
} risk of legal consequences, the missiles are locked on to both the east
} and west coasts, as well as the Great Lakes which should disrupt
} commerce enormously. At my signal the government can be taken out,
} which won't interfere with the running of the country much, and so can
} Hollywood, which will most certainly bring the country to its knees.
} With only UseNet remaining intact, I can just step right in and take
} over.   The problem is, my contact has been discovered and is at risk
} of exposure.  Well, that's OK, he was expendable anyway.  Barely
} managed to resurrect him after that unholy rec.arts.sf.* fiasco, and
} then the idiot had to go and get married! "Kent," I said, "Don't do it.
}  You owe the Oracle your very existence." But would he listen?  Well, I
} guess he did his job softening them up, certainly paved the way for
} that critical move from alt.* to rec.* Anyway,.....
}
} Right then, that's it, I'm prepared now.  Try to censor my <ZOT>s will
} they? "Lewd" oracularities eh?  Thought I'd be fooled by that story
} about Kinzler going to Spain?  Did they really think that I would allow
} Poulson to get away with his little revolution?  And all those fake
} Oracles: "The Oracle has spoken and you have learnt" indeed.  I'll show
} them.  I'll show everybody. BwaahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


428-10    (06g76 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why is my left hand looking at me with such a terrified expression?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a simple biological reaction often known as organ rejection.
} It is an indication that you are ready to bud.  Jeffrey Dalmer and Van
} Gogh are both familiar with the symptoms and resolution.  A need to bud
} can be indicated by an extreme itching of the offending organ, peeling
} of skin, bloating of the appendage, or in your case, a terrified
} expression. In all cases of budding appendages (including yours), the
} following procedure should be followed:
}
}       1  Pinch, saw, or cut off the budding appendage.
}       2  Stick the appendage with 3-5 toothpicks in a circle around
}          its midsection (the position and number of toothpicks will
}          vary depending on the size/shape of the appendage).
}       3  Obtain a water holding vessel with a mouth large enough to
}          hold the appendage.  Place the appendage in the mouth of
}          the vessel (jar, pot, latex glove, whatever..) so that
}          the toothpicks keep the appendage from sinking all the way
}          into the water.
}       4  Fill the vessel to the point where approximately the lower
}          1/3 of the appendage is submerged.
}       5  Watch and enjoy!
}
} With 7-10 days your new clone should be hobbling around the apartment,
} and withing 10-15 days it should be eating solid foods and scratching
} itself.  Repeat the process if you'd like, but preferable with one of
} the clones organs.
}
} You owe the oracle a chicken egg, some sea monkeys (brine shrimp), a
} guppie, some meal worms, a planaria, a sponge, and an avocado seed.


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