} <HUGE FLASH OF LIGHT>
} <FIRE TRACKS LIGHTS UP THE SCENE>
} <DELOREAN MATERIALIZES OUT OF A HAZE OF BLUE>
} <ORACLE STEPS OUT OF DELOREAN, TAKES OFF GOGGLES>
} Well, yes people, I am back from the future. You know, I just
} had to take a little trip to look a few months ahead for this
} guy up here. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm omnipotent and everything,
} but there's a difference between *knowing* something is going
} to happen and *seeing* it happen oneself.
} Anyway, let me fill you all in on what I saw in the future, and
} what is going to happen to this poor Questioner when he finally
} breaks down and tells this woman just how much he loves her.
} <PULLS OUT VIDEOCAMERA AND PROJECTION SCREEN>
} Dim the lights, will you please? Ah, thank you.
} <whirr... whirr... whirr...>
} <Narrator's voice is heard over the video...>
} Ah, yes, it's summertime at last! June 29, 1992 to be exact.
} Monday morning... ah that fateful Monday! We're standing
} here in W's neighboorhood, and right ahead is her house.
} <For you yutzes who are clueless, W stands for the woman the
} guy is trying to tell he loves, Q is for the guy himself,
} (it stands for Questioner, what else???) and B is for...
} well, you'll find out soon enough...>
} Ah, yes, there at the doorstep appears lovely W! Look at
} her grace of form as she stretches and drinks in the dawn
} of a lovely day! What a magnificent smile, it's no wonder
} Q is in love with her. Ah, her warmth, her radiance, her
} wonderful beauty...
} And what's this I see? Well, I believe it is the timid
} young Q, hiding behind a tree in W's side yard! What's
} that he's got in his hands? A boquet of roses! Oh, how
} sweet, W is just going to *love* those! Oh, no, no, Q!
} Look out for that... dog! Oh, no, Q, I'm sorry! It
} looks like you're all WET! <Heh heh heh...> Shouldn't
} have been standing right near that tree I guess, espec-
} ially with those brown slacks on...
} Undaunted, Q shakes off his leg and steps from behind
} his tree! Let's listen closely!
} Q: Uh... uh... uh...
} <Very articulate, isn't he? :-)>
} W: Oh, hi there! Morning! I was just going out for my
} morning jog... what's that smell?
} Q: Oh, uh, it's, uh, a new cologne I've been trying.
} <Sigh, what a yutz...>
} W: So, uh, who are the roses for? <Slight smile...>
} Q: Um, they're, uh... <Trips over his shoelace while
} walking to give her the roses>
} <Great, now he smells bad and has mud all over his
} shirt. Matches his slacks, anyway...>
} Q: They're for you. I uh... I love you. I've been
} trying to keep these feelings in for months, and it
} hasn't been working. I love you, and I want you to
} leave that no-brained boyfriend you've been hanging
} around with. I'll treat you better than he will,
} the jerk. I'll do whatever you want for you. I'll
} be your love slave! Just name it, it's yours!
} Just tell me that you love me...
} <Sound of a car approaching. Black 'vette pulls up
} in front of the house, big burly guy gets out. The
} infamous boyfriend, of course...>
} B: WHAT's GOING ON HERE?
} Q: <in panic> Uh, nothing, bug guy, I mean big guy!
} Nothing at all!
} W: <wanting to protect Q> He was just bringing these
} roses to... my mother! That's all, see, she's been
} ill lately, and...
} <The Oracle speaks> Now, at this moment, I decided
} to set straight an awkward situation...
} ORACLE: No, no, no, that's not what happened at
} all! <Oracle steps out from his Delorean across the
} street.> See, I have this videocamera here, and I
} recorded the whole conversation. Hey, boyfriend,
} you want to see it!
} <Oracle proceeds to show previous dialogue, after
} which the boyfriend goes crazy and starts ripping
} Q's limbs off.>
} <MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE PRESENT...>
} So, wasn't that entertaining boys and girls?
} The Questioner decided to pursue his life's dream,
} and in the process get his life force sucked out
} of his eye sockets. So the answer to the above
} question is a most definite and sincere "NO", if
} you have any desire to stay alive. And of course,
} the moral of the story is, "'Tis better to have
} loved and lost, just get it all down on videotape."
} Until next time...
} Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle a copy of
} "'Ask Beth's' Pocket Guide to Dating."