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Internet Oracularities #429

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429, 429-01, 429-02, 429-03, 429-04, 429-05, 429-06, 429-07, 429-08, 429-09, 429-10


Usenet Oracularities #429    (30 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 29 Mar 92 11:27:11 -0500

@@@ Apologies to the people who make epic jokes, and <ZOT>'s to those
@@@ that post them as questions, but I'll still publish answers that
@@@ are funny.  It is unfortunate that I can't credit the authors but
@@@ they are hard to find.  The epic joke in this digest, of course,
@@@ the letter from the System Administrator to a user, seen far below.
@@@ Alea jacta est, --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   429
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

429   30 votes 2a873 065c7 1be31 4c761 47685 1a595 3628b 46974 48b43 37a64
429   3.1 mean  3.0   3.7   2.7   2.6   3.1   3.2   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.0


429-01    (2a873 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have known this girl for almost 3 years now.  Although she has a
> boyfriend, I have this huge crush on her.  I was wondering if the
> mighty oracle could tell me how to approach her about this matter.  I
> don't want to lose her as a friend, but I really am in love with her.
> I thank the great oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <HUGE FLASH OF LIGHT>
}
} <FIRE TRACKS LIGHTS UP THE SCENE>
}
} <DELOREAN MATERIALIZES OUT OF A HAZE OF BLUE>
}
} <ORACLE STEPS OUT OF DELOREAN, TAKES OFF GOGGLES>
}
} Well, yes people, I am back from the future.  You know, I just
} had to take a little trip to look a few months ahead for this
} guy up here.  Yeah, yeah, I know I'm omnipotent and everything,
} but there's a difference between *knowing* something is going
} to happen and *seeing* it happen oneself.
}
} Anyway, let me fill you all in on what I saw in the future, and
} what is going to happen to this poor Questioner when he finally
} breaks down and tells this woman just how much he loves her.
}
} <PULLS OUT VIDEOCAMERA AND PROJECTION SCREEN>
}
} Dim the lights, will you please?  Ah, thank you.
}
} <whirr... whirr... whirr...>
}
} <Narrator's voice is heard over the video...>
}
} Ah, yes, it's summertime at last!  June 29, 1992 to be exact.
} Monday morning... ah that fateful Monday!  We're standing
} here in W's neighboorhood, and right ahead is her house.
}
} <For you yutzes who are clueless, W stands for the woman the
} guy is trying to tell he loves, Q is for the guy himself,
} (it stands for Questioner, what else???) and B is for...
} well, you'll find out soon enough...>
}
} Ah, yes, there at the doorstep appears lovely W!  Look at
} her grace of form as she stretches and drinks in the dawn
} of a lovely day!  What a magnificent smile, it's no wonder
} Q is in love with her.  Ah, her warmth, her radiance, her
} wonderful beauty...
}
} And what's this I see?  Well, I believe it is the timid
} young Q, hiding behind a tree in W's side yard!  What's
} that he's got in his hands?  A boquet of roses!  Oh, how
} sweet, W is just going to *love* those!  Oh, no, no, Q!
} Look out for that... dog!  Oh, no, Q, I'm sorry!  It
} looks like you're all WET! <Heh heh heh...>  Shouldn't
} have been standing right near that tree I guess, espec-
} ially with those brown slacks on...
}
} Undaunted, Q shakes off his leg and steps from behind
} his tree!  Let's listen closely!
}
} Q:  Uh... uh... uh...
}
} <Very articulate, isn't he? :-)>
}
} W: Oh, hi there!  Morning!  I was just going out for my
} morning jog... what's that smell?
}
} Q: Oh, uh, it's, uh, a new cologne I've been trying.
}
} <Sigh, what a yutz...>
}
} W: So, uh, who are the roses for? <Slight smile...>
}
} Q: Um, they're, uh... <Trips over his shoelace while
} walking to give her the roses>
}
} <Great, now he smells bad and has mud all over his
} shirt.  Matches his slacks, anyway...>
}
} Q: They're for you.  I uh... I love you.  I've been
} trying to keep these feelings in for months, and it
} hasn't been working.  I love you, and I want you to
} leave that no-brained boyfriend you've been hanging
} around with.  I'll treat you better than he will,
} the jerk.  I'll do whatever you want for you.  I'll
} be your love slave!  Just name it, it's yours!
} Just tell me that you love me...
}
} <Sound of a car approaching.  Black 'vette pulls up
} in front of the house, big burly guy gets out.  The
} infamous boyfriend, of course...>
}
} B: WHAT's GOING ON HERE?
}
} Q: <in panic>  Uh, nothing, bug guy, I mean big guy!
} Nothing at all!
}
} W: <wanting to protect Q> He was just bringing these
} roses to... my mother!  That's all, see, she's been
} ill lately, and...
}
} <The Oracle speaks> Now, at this moment, I decided
} to set straight an awkward situation...
}
} ORACLE: No, no, no, that's not what happened at
} all!  <Oracle steps out from his Delorean across the
} street.>  See, I have this videocamera here, and I
} recorded the whole conversation.  Hey, boyfriend,
} you want to see it!
}
} <Oracle proceeds to show previous dialogue, after
} which the boyfriend goes crazy and starts ripping
} Q's limbs off.>
}
} <MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE PRESENT...>
}
} So, wasn't that entertaining boys and girls?
} The Questioner decided to pursue his life's dream,
} and in the process get his life force sucked out
} of his eye sockets.  So the answer to the above
} question is a most definite and sincere "NO", if
} you have any desire to stay alive.  And of course,
} the moral of the story is, "'Tis better to have
} loved and lost, just get it all down on videotape."
} Until next time...
}
} Oh, by the way, you owe the Oracle a copy of
} "'Ask Beth's' Pocket Guide to Dating."


429-02    (065c7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new user of the email system and all that and having already
> after fifteen minutes of usership heard of thy infinite wisdom I just
> couldn't refrain from sending you this message containing my deep
> fil.-ethical question. Now I know that for this I'll probably be
> <ZOT>ted from here to the eternal coalmines in no time at all, but I
> simply must: Do you really find it morally & ethically right to be a
> god, while we poor bastards here suffer first from life and then from
> the lack of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >>> Somewhere in the realm of deity-land....
}
} ORACLE> cat $PROCEDURES/new-supplicant-guide
}
} Guidelines for answering questions from new supplicants:
} 1.  Be understanding.  Do not tease and/or harass new supplicant for
}     humerous/stupid editor/spelling mistakes.
} 2.  Answer the question fully and accurately, remember, you don't get
}     a second chance to make a first impression!
} 3.  Absolutely no <ZOT>ing whatsoever!
}
} >>> And now back to reality....
}
} So, new user, you wish me to justify my existance as a deity.  Don't
} worry, I would *never* ZOT a fresh face with a valid question!  To make
} sure you understand this completely, I will give you multiple
} justifications for my existance as a deity.  Nota bene:
}
} Left justification, ragged right       Left & right justification
} |My existance as  |                    |My existance as|
} |a deity.         |                    |a        diety.|
}
} Right justification, ragged left       Center justification
} |   My existance|                      |       My      |
} |as   a   deity.|                      |   existance   |
}                                        |       as      |
}                                        |       a       |
}                                        |     deity.    |
}
} You owe the Oracle a follow-up message explaining just what the Hell
} ``fil.-ethical'' is.  And a copy of Word Perfect with a Spelling
} Checker.


429-03    (1be31 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> California Senator Paul Montgomery has recently proposed legislation
> (HR-5297) which will require me to become a sexual maniac, compelled
> to engage in despicable practices up to seven times a day with small
> smelly dwarfish persons.  Will this bill become law?  If it does, what
> can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why don't you take your question to Ray over in the Federal division
} of inanities?  He's down two floors, third door on the right.
}
} [ you trump down the hall following the Oracle's directions closely.
} I might add it seems the first time you've done something according to
} instructions!]
}
} [supplicant] Hi, I'm here to ask about the new bill (HR-5297)?
}
} [Ray] What!  No grovelling?  Why don't you go over to John in
} Purchasing and Acquisitions.  He'll be able to handle your question.
} ..
}
} [supplicant] Hi, are you John?  Know anything about (HR-5297)?
}
} [John]  Listen you, I heard about your bad attitudes from Ray before
} you walked in here.  I'm of a mind to throw you right out on your
} butt.  However, since you seem to be one of those taxpayers, you
} should probably go see Maggie over in Sexual Relations and Foreign
} Affairs.  She should be able to clear all of this up for you.
}
} ...
} [supplicant]  Oh Maggie, Lo, but you are the most beautiful bureaucrat
} I have ever laid eyes on.  Though I am below even the skin droppings
} off of your littlest toe nail and would fall to dust if you but
} breathed on me, I have the bravery to ask one question.
}
} What's the scoop on this new bill (HR-5297)
}
} [Maggie] Whew, you're new at this aren't you.  I know just the person
} for you to talk to.  You've got just the right attitude and demeanor
} for him to answer your question.  Why don't you talk to the Oracle
} over at Delphi.  He's got the answer for you.
} ..
}
} [Oracle]  Learn your lesson yet?   Look bills don't automatically
} become laws.  It takes media attention for something like this to
} turn into a law.  So here's my suggestion.
}
} Take over a public television station, change the channels and
} broadcast your message of Indignation over the Young Indiana Jones
} timeslot.  That should shut down Senator Paul "Party On Dude"
} Montgomery.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime of subservience delivered in a tidy
} bowl.


429-04    (4c761 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, Whose wisdom exceeds in magnitude a number that
> would encompass the perfidy of all politicians and government
> bureaucrats and IBM middle-managers multiplied together, please
> vouchsafe unto me this humble request:
>
> My job is taking all my energy and my wife is spending every penny
> I make, and both promise to do so for the rest of my natural life.
> In short, O great Oracle, I can't go on.  Would You be so kind as
> to grant me a boon and amuse Yourself in the bargain....
>
> (Removes felt peasant's hat, indicating balding pate)
>
> Give me a <ZOT> right here.  50 megatons should do it.
>
> On the other hand, if You really are as sadistic as I've heard,
> you may very well let me live.  In which case, please ask Lisa to
> pick out a particularly energetic Priestess and charge her with
> the task of distracting me for six months or so.
>
> Many Thanks, Your Obt. Svt.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > ZOT QUERENT.
}
} As you attempt to zot the querent, the ghost of Kinzler comes to you
} and mutters three times thrice:
}   "Zot not, you snot!  Or you'll be shot!"
}
} > BLAST QUERENT
}
} As you attempt to blast the querent, a purple dolphin leaps between
} your blaster and the querent's feltless skull, and is destroyed.  You
} collapse in woe.
}
} > DESTROY QUERENT.
}
} As you gather your powers for a Grand Destruction Zilchimentation, a
} wahoo bird flying overhead lays a square egg, which falls squarely
} upon your egg-shaped head.  The goo googles up your blast, and the
} Amazon rain forest goes up in smoke.  You feel like a complete and
} utter blockhead.
}
} > DISINTEGRATE QUERENT
}
} You have tried three times; you can try no more.
}
} > QUIT
}
} You owe the Oracle a pool of horrible mussles.


429-05    (47685 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description,
> whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most
> assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble
> query:
> Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next
> terminal?  I ask her every day, but she still says no.  I've even
> killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent.  What should
> I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suspect that you should do 50 to life, with no chance of parole.
} You owe the Oracle a ``Get Out of Jail Free'' card.


429-06    (1a595 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is this ice cream called "butter pecan," if there's no butter and
> no pecans in it?  It looks more like a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs
> to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While reason for this is quite plain (not vanilla, however), it may not
} be apparent at first glance.  Unless, of course, one knows a great deal
} about the manufacture and preparation of ice cream, as I of course do.
} Leaving all of your preconceived notions of ice cream is important -
} you probably imagine vast vats of delicious-smelling cream churning
} within great freezers.  Folly, I tell you!
}
} The reason that butter pecan ice cream looks like a gruesome slude of
} frozen slugs is that, in actuality (which is never reflected in the
} list of ingredients, which are of course purely fictional and merely
} present for the benefit of nutritionists and other health-care workers
} who find them amazingly entertaining and often receive cash payments
} from poor, woebegone souls who believe that they are divinely inspired
} with the knowledge of what any given person should or should not eat),
} butter pecan ice cream *is* a gruesome sludge of frozen slugs.  The
} name "butter pecan" actually evolved in much the way that the term
} "Corn beef" did.  You see, before the slugs are frozen, they are
} carefully raised on a strict diet (prescribed by the aforementioned
} nutritionists and health-care workers) of butter (inferior brands of
} butter pecan ice cream typically feed their slugs margarine) and pecans
} (inferior brands use 1/4" threaded nuts).  The slugs are then removed
} from their sibslugs and placed in a Vanilla Ice room, where they are
} subjected to lousy rap music until they begin to exude large quantities
} of mucus in an attempt to suffocate themselves.  This mucus is
} collected with the slugs and later becomes the dark swirls in the ice
} cream.  The final step, of course, is to cream the butter pecan ice,
} and I feel it would be inappropriate to go into the manner in which
} this is accomplished here.
}
} You owe the Oracle one bottle of pepto-bismol.


429-07    (3628b dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently you called me on the phone.  You were quite frantic.  You
> were having trouble running a program through the computer, and your
> message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE
> FULL!"
>
> I furrowed my brow, and explained to you, "Really now, Mr. Oracle I
> don't have time for this."  I slowly exhaled as I killed your process,
> crushing any hopes you may have had of ever again seeing that answers
> you had spent three hours slaving over.
>
>          "I was typing this REALLY important answerr, and it HAS to be
>          ready in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I
>          didn't type... it says something about an error, should I read
>          it to you?"
>
>          "No point.  Just press return."
>
>          "Oh my, it wants my username.  Can I restart that where I left
>          off?"
>
>          "Not a chance."  I tossed the phone aside.  It occurred to me
>          that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint
>          sessions, heads were going to roll.  Where do you people GET
>          this stuff?  I'm going to tell you what's really going on
>          here.  Now LISTEN UP.  I'm not going over this a second time:
>
> Computer
>         The black box that does your work for you.  That's all you
>         need to know.
>
> Response Time
>         Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in
>         calendar months. The general rule is:  Shut up your
>         complaining about response time.
>
> Hardware
>         See "Computer." Again, not your concern.
>
> Software
>         If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise,
>         leave us alone.
>
> Network
>         Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it.  Use it to send
>         mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read
>         it all. What do you think we do all day?
>
> Data
>         The general rule is:  Don't use any data files and if you find
>         any, delete them before I find out about them.  In fact, just
>         stay off the computer. (See "Response Time")
>
> System Crash
>         Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the
>         computer is down.  Don't call him to ask him when it will be
>         up again.  The more you bother him, the longer it takes.
>
> Downtime
>         Like I said, don't ask
>
> Uptime
>         Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
>
> Overtime
>         Don't be ridiculous.
>
> Vacation
>         A time during which I don't have to put up with your
>         sniveling.  Don't try calling. There's no point.
>
> Computer Room
>         Keep out, you're not invited.  Don't knock on the door --
>         don't even  think about it.  I broke the phone last time one
>         of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it.  And
>         keep your greasy fingers off the windows.
>
> My Office
>         The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
>
> Your Problems
>         The name says it all...
>
> Deadlines
>         The general rule is:  Deadlines are not acknowledged by me;
>         they're not my responsibility.  Go tell someone who cares.
>
> Maintenance
>         a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
>         b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
>         c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
>
> Software Upgrades
>         Far too complex for you to comprehend.  If I tell you I'm
>         upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful.  It's for your
>         own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak
>         hours.
>
> Electronic Mail
>         I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to
>         me.
>
> Defaults
>         We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason.
>         Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory.
>
> Error Messages
>         I'm not interested.  I'm going to kill your process anyway, so
>         keep them to yourself.
>
> Killing your Process
>         a) Don't ever ask why
>         b) Beyond your control
>         c) No warnings are given
>         d) The highlight of my day
>         e) If you call, it's going to happen.  No exceptions.
>
> Passwords
>         I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time.
>         I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading
>         yours will be.
>         (Example:  ORACLE: SNOTFACE)
>
> Users
>         a) They slow down the computer
>         b) They waste my time
>         c) A general nuisance
>         d) Worse than that, actually
>
> Software Modifications
>         You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want.
>         It stays like it is.  Period.
>
> Privileges
>         I've got them, you don't need them.  Enough said.
>
> Priority
>         Mine is higher than yours, accept it.  That's the reason my
>         games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See
>         "Response Time")
>
> Terminals
>         Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
>         a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
>         b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
>         c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
>         d) Of course you did.
>
> Disk Space
>         I set the quotas, you live with them.  If you need more space,
>         check "Data Files".
>
> Operator
>         I hired him and I trained him.  He does what I tell him to.
>         Usually armed; always dangerous.
>
> Backups
>         A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't.
>
> Lunch
>         The only time that calling my office won't result in the
>         killing of  your process.
>
> Data Security
>         That's your problem.  I'm certainly not going to lose any
>         sleep over it.  My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
>
> Jiffy
>         Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing
>         your process.
>
> Eternity
>         Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem
>         that can't be resolved by killing your process.
>
> Impossible
>         a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
>         b) I can't be bothered
>         c) You're starting to annoy me
>
> Inevitable
>         a) Couldn't have been avoided
>         b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
>         c) The result of annoying me
>
> Menus
>         If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available.
>         If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't
>         work.  We're working on it (See "Eternity").
>
> Utilities
>         I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible.
>         Besides, they're not on your menu, are they.  What did I tell
>         you about that?
>
> Nuisance
>         You.
>
> Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from
> the above list.  I'm not asking you to accept these matters without
> question, I'm telling you.
>
> Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future
> problems.  If you have any questions or comments please feel free to
> keep them to yourself.  If you feel the need for more information, I
> highly recommend that you ask someone else
>                                         Sincerely,
>                                                 The System Manager
>
> P.S.    The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective
>         yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their
>         accounts (this means you, Oracle!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh really... we'll see about that....
}
} Login: oracle
} Password: ********
} Account deleted. Please contact system administrator.
}
} Hmmm. The little bastard actually did it. Right.
}
} Login: ORACLE
} Password: <ZOT!>
} Trapdoor activated Oh great one, what do you want to play?
} > Global Thermonuclear War
} Certainly Oh great one.
} You have an enormous supply of MERV <ZOT!>s
} I have two scuds.
} Select target(s)
} > Aim -all `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)`
} All MERV <ZOT!>s targeted on console of principal NFS server
} > Spy `search -net (-user root -or -user sysadmin)`
}   CPU    Duration  Program name        Main data fields
} 99.996%  2.3 hours   Tetris              Score: 172
} 00.002%  2.7 hours   Typing tutor        Keystrokes: 984 Correct: 3
} >
} *** Incoming scud attack on your location
} >Sweep aside
} *** Scud attack failed utterly
} > Launch All
} {Distant Rumble}
} *** You have won (again) Oh great one
} ^D
} Session terminated.
}
} Login: oracle
} Password: ********
}
} Message of the Day
} Apologies for lack of some services, we're waiting for replacement
} parts at the moment (accident in computer room). New job vacancy in
} /etc/vacancies/sysadmin
}
} /usr/oracle$ quota
} No quota set
} /usr/oracle$ du .
} 374856934    ./grovels
} 64536662     ./lisa
} 584635352    .
}
} That's much better.
} You owe Me a better organised set of directories.


429-08    (46974 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most high and wise, upon whom I am not worthy to direct
> my gaze, and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy to the hearts
> of millions, hear my plea!
>
> I have been told that to become a full member of a club, I must
> submit to some sort of hazing process.  The phrase "the cheese that
> cannot die" keeps coming up.  Do you think I should go through
> with this, or run screaming into the night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's study this one step by step.
}
} > Oh Oracle
}
} A decent start.
}
} > most high and wise
}
} Obvious drug reference.  The Oracle doesn't know how to take this, as
} he hasn't done drugs for quite a while, at least not since Owlsley
} died.
}
} > upon whom I am not worthy to direct my gaze,
}
} Paired with "wise" of the previous clause, makes fair and coy reference
} to my obvious brilliance.  Grovel factor: 2.8 -- not too bad.
}
} > and whose mighty gaseous discharges bring joy
}
} The Oracle _likes_ being pandered to, but is not entertained by smug
} supplicants.  This indicates that the supplicant has a hidden agenda.
}
} > to the hearts of millions,
}
} A subtle reference to the Papist anti-Masonic activities of the middle
} 1700s.  The Oracle still bears some scars from that night in Edinburgh.
} The message is becoming more suspicious as we go along.  (For those not
} in the know, "hearts of millions" is a reference to the Sacred Heart
} teachings handed down by word of mouth since the early middle ages.)
}
} > hear my plea!
}
} Fairly rote beseeching.  I sense feigned desperation.
}
} > I have been told that to become a full member of a club
}
} I note the cagey hiding of the identity of the club.  Despite this, I
} can positively identify the organization as being one of three or four.
} The phrase "full member" is a very obvious sexual reference; when
} in the phrase "full member of a club" the aspects of blood-engorgement
} and large scale violent sexual orgies is a strong subtext.
}
} > I must submit to
}
} The meaning is most obvious, given its placement in context with the
} previous phrase.
}
} > some sort of hazing process.
}
} As I suspected, the questioner is speaking of the Process Church, a
} modern branch of an ancient line of anti-Christian brotherhoods headed
} by none other than the Pope.  The peculiar choice of the word "hazing"
} makes this clear:  Wheras the questioner is, on the surface, speaking
} of an initiation ritual, he is also referring to the "hazy" lineage
} of the church itself, a code word most often preferred by members of
} the church, by the way.
}
} > The phrase "the cheese that cannot die" keeps coming up.
}
} What a splendid multiple entendre sentence!  Surface meaning:
} Discussion of a recent meal at a bad Mexican restaurant.  Context: As
} referred to in the slang expression "to cut the cheese", the cheese is
} cut and cut again but does not die.  The initiate to the order is being
} introduced to the rites of passage in a colloquial way.  Subtext: The
} cheese is a metaphor for the deity.  It cannot die, and it keeps coming
} up.  Further, the postulant to the order will be digested ("processed")
} and become a unit ("coming up") in the Process Church ("cannot die").
}
} No newcomer into the order could contrive such a message in such a way.
} He would know too little of the church to write such a message even
} while subconsciously phrasing his writing so.  Therefore, I suspect
} that the message was actually written by a veteran member, and one
} intent on entrapping the Oracle.
}
} > Do you think I should go through with this,
}
} An invitation for me to persue the trail of a wayward youth, and become
} entrapped in the foul talons of a papist-antipapist conspiracy!  I
} cannot be fooled so easily!
}
} > or run screaming into the night?
}
} The night is the shadow, where the conspirators hide.  To enter the
} den is to become entrapped, and to escape in the dark is to become lost
} forever.
}
} I know your identity, foul soul!  I know you to the core of your being!
} For all these years I have tracked you, and always at the last moment
} you escaped my net.  Now, I have you, and I shall unmask you!
}
} You shall never wrack evil on the face of the earth again, Moriarty!


429-09    (48b43 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Let us know what you like!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I like long walks on the beach.
}       I like walnut.
}       I like forest green.
}       I like forests, preferably redwood.
}       I like nights when the moons are full (you poor humans won't know
}           for a long time just how magnificent more than one moon can
}           look).
}       I like the first two seasons of 'Late Night with David
}           Letterman.'
}       I like homes wired with three-prong outlets.
}       I like the Amiga 3000 (what can I say?).
}       I like chairs where the whole chair tilts back, not just the
}           back.
}       I like wooden pencils rather than mechanical pencils.
}       I like surge protector strips where the neon light doesn't slowly
}           decay into darkness.
}       I like the Nerf bow-and-arrow set.
}       I like RJ-11 phone connectors.
}       I like Wayne and Garth.
}       I like Steve Wright.
}       I like the Video Toaster.
}       I like those new super bright 5000 millicandela LED's.
}       I like buttery-smooth black leather.
}       I like the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time."
}       I like videodisc recorders.
}       I like New York city tap water.
}       I like the rail system in Germany.
}       I like Birkenstocks.
}       I like those machines that let you make soda pop at home.
}       I like shiny spandex.
}       I like the game "Lemmings."
}       I like THX-equipped theatres (I don't like how much I have to pay
}           to get into one).
}       I like amethyst.
}       I like belts that have a hole *exactly* where I need one.
}       I like sponges with ScotchBrite on the back.
}       I like office chairs to have five wheels, not four.
}       I like incandescent lighting.
}       I like big old castles they let you wander all around in.
}       I like pepperoni and pineapple pizza.
}       I like when Domino's is late.
}       I like stores that don't impose a surcharge when you pay with
}           your ATM/EFT card.
}       I like phone systems that, when you're put on hold, simply go
}           "boop" at you periodically.
}       I like the woman that used to read off the time over the phone
}           ("The time is three... forty seven... and ten seconds.
}           *beep*").
}       I like the Dodge Stealth.
}       I like Hewlett-Packard.
}       I like the doors on "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
}       I like the sound effects on the show, too.
}       I like brass that's been treated such that after I've handled it,
}           my hands don't smell funny.
}       I like the book "MIT's Guide to Lockpicking."
}       I like shallow-pile carpets so that kids can play with their toy
}           cars on them.
}       I like alt.sex.bondage (most of the time).
}       I like those teeny little screws they use to assemble glasses.
}       I like hand-crank pencil sharpeners.
}       I like washing machines with agitators that go up and down.
}       I like pens with purple ink.
}       I like any video game set to free play.
}       I like grandfather clocks.
}       I like going through the linen section of department stores and
}           ripping the tags off pillows.
}       I like sourdough french bread (but it has to be made *just*
}           right).
}       I like those cylindrical elevators with decorative lights
}           and windows that ride up and down on the outside.
}       I like when Prodigy does something stupid.
}       I like the woman that put Mike Tyson back in jail.
}       I like those stupid tasteless little umbrellas you get in drinks
}           at cheesy bars.
}       I like Fischer-Technik sets (the German equivalent of Lego).
}       I like watching the spin-dry cycle.
}       I like whiteboards (as opposed to blackboards).
}       I like The Exploratorium.
}       I like using household products in manners inconsistent with
}           their labelling.
}       I like Lisa.  No, scratch that.  I *LOVE* Lisa.
}
}       I also like grovelling.  Remember that next time.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a readable MPW manual.


429-10    (37a64 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I always eat eggs on the 173d day of the year.  It's a bit early , but
> I like to plan ahead.  Should I have a glass of white wine  with them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the 173rd day falls on a Monday this year, I understand your
} impatience.
}
} The choice of what to drink with your eggs is a delicate one.  It
} depends largely upon what style of eggs you have chosen.  Most
} combinations are obvious, but here is an excerpt from the Official
} Oracular Drinks with Eggs Chart to help you determine what forms of
} alcohol are acceptable:
}
} Egg                   Preferred Drink
} ------------          --------------------
} Benedict              Reisling
}
} Spanish Omelet        Romulan Ale (expensive but worth it)
}
} Airline Eggs          Straight Vodka
}
} Over Easy             Coffee, vienna roast
}
} Sunny Side Up         Grain alchohol
}
} Scrambled             A red wine with a screw top
}
} Since I am the Oracle, I am of course aware of the egg you had in mind.
} Actually any type of wine that comes in a box will go well with Egg
} McMuffin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of something french to go with His
} Eggs Napoleon.


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