[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:50:38 GMT

Internet Oracularities #43

Goto:
43, 43-01, 43-02, 43-03, 43-04, 43-05, 43-06, 43-07, 43-08, 43-09, 43-10


Usenet Oracularities #43
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 3 Nov 89 00:57:22 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


43-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much gin can I drink before I pass out>??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle remembers well the time he himself spent grappling with this
} very question during his younger years at the Oracular Academy.  It is a
} question which contains within it the seeds of self-knowledge and a
} life-lesson of human limitation.
}
} The bottom line, it turns out, it NOT how much gin you can drink before
} you pass out, but how much gin you can drink before IT passes out of
} YOU.
}
} You owe the Oracle three Depend Undergarments.


43-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The couple that lives in the apartment above mine are constantly
> fighting.  Often, late at night, I hear a lot of yelling and screaming
> and stomping on the floor.  I worry that one of these days I'll hear a
> gun shot.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should install a thin tube through the ceiling of your apartment,
} into the room in which they fight the most.  Purchase a large tank of
} ether.  When they next start fighting, etherize them.  Continue until
} they don't fight anymore.


43-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle mighty and wise
> Tell me once tell me thrice...
> Why is IBM interlaced?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gather 'round, ye nerdy throng
} And listen well to my simple song.
} I sing thee not of knights so bold,
} But of machines made to be sold,
} Of keyboards missing many keys,
} and CPUs all full of fleas,
} of systems slow and systems late,
} and systems that just masturbate,
} Of tech designers with bad taste,
} and of computers interlaced.
}
} You owe the oracle the other two repitititititititions.


43-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I stop military development in Surinam?/&c-Del.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pity the poor people of Surinam?&c-Del., whose alphabet lacks the
}   They use the Roman alphabet by custom, as they were once a forgotten
} corner of the British Empire.  Today, e, regarldess of the fact that the
} language of the Surinam?&c-Del.ese people has over three thousand
} distinct phonemes, ranging from a high uluating squeal to whistling
} through chattering teeth.  They have been forced to turn to abstract
} streams of punctuation characters to produce a reasonable working
} alphabet for Surinam?&c-Del.ese, since the only typewriters available
} are castoff British army models from the 1920s.
}
} The result of this typographic babble:  since the British left the
} people of Surinam?&c-Del.  to their own designs, there has been a
} continuous seventy-year warfare, owing to the daily hair-tearing
} frustration of not being able to write a postcard or check a
} Surinam?&c-Del.ese dictionary without encountering incomprehensible
} words like Far$%@t%..!, Low@pl$%%.!ShriShri, and Vaxpdp11!$$%@blows.
}
} What can >you< do do bring a halt to the bloodbath in tiny
} Surinam?&c-Del.?
}
} Very little, I'm afraid.  Go back to work.


43-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why do the color machines run so much slower than the black-and-white
> ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} because the last person to color the color machines went outside the
} lines, and now all that extra color is gumming up the gears.  If people
} were content to leave all the machines black and white, instead of
} trying to color them, we wouldn't have these silly problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of virgin Crayola Crayons.  The 64 size.  With
} the little sharpener.


43-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ate my contact lenses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the wilds of upper Muldavia lives a hunchbacked troll by the name of
} Snotblaster.  Like all Muldavian Trolls, he is periodically driven out
} of his filthy stinking hole-like hovel by an insatiable need for
} industrial grade plastic (one of the few forms of fiber in the troll
} diet).  Snotblaster has lately discovered nouvelle cuisine, and he finds
} contact lenses, with a light dribbling of saline, to be far superior in
} size and texture to the more common hefty bag and styrofoam peanut diet
} of his peers.  A Muldavian contact lense shortage has ensued.
}
} In your case, however, it was probably just the last person who sucked
} on your eyeball.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Opti-zyme tablets and a bottle of Unisol 4.


43-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What good is help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not much.  You can't get good help nowadays.  When the Oracle was held
} in higher regard and wasn't considered an appendage of Usenet (actually
} Usenet is an appendage of the Oracle, but we won't get into that now),
} there were Oracular Priestesses, who were all small, dark-haired, buxom
} women who retired at age thirty.  They were willing to do anything and
} everything for the Oracle in return for the mere privilege of proximity.
} Today they would be called Oracle-groupies.  Anyhow, in the elder days
} they were numerous and had adorable little faces and cuddly bodies and
} made certain that the Oracle never had to spend a night alone.  The
} Oracle would have preferred tall blondes, but the Priestesses were
} nevertheless Good Help.  Nowadays the Oracle has to hire Kelly Girls,
} who are often male, or, even if female, homely, rabid feminists with
} expertise in jiu-jitsu, and expensive -- not Good Help.  The Oracle
} attributes this to the decline of the Magian World-View (read Spengler's
} _Decline of the West_ if you haven't already) -- people don't take
} Oracles seriously any more.


43-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are frozen chickens so dang frisky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess if you were frozen, you'd be pretty frisky too.
}
} Consider this, one day you're sitting around eating Purina Chicken Chow
} maybe watching your favorite soap, "All my eggs", and before you now it
} each and every feather from your body was been torn away.  On top of
} that they put you in a freezer lying on top of your neighbors who also
} have no feathers on their torso.  Now your thinking to yourself, you've
} never seen them without their feathers and it is at that moment you get
} a strange sensation all over your body.  There you go, frisky frozen
} chickens.
}
} Did you ever notice that when you buy chicken parts in a store they have
} goose bumps?
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.


43-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really a squid?  I can't tell if these are tentacles or hands.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will be shocked to learn this, but the Oracle is committed to the
} Truth:  the reason that your hands look like tentacles is that years of
} makeup abuse have damaged your eyesight, and you are in fact Tammy Faye
} Bakker.  Denial of horrible truths is a natural reaction, but look at
} yourself in the mirror carefully, taking into account your distorted
} vision, and you will see that you really are she.  No need to scream or
} tear at your face as if you could pull it off like a mask, Tammy -- you
} simply have to face facts and face the music.  No fair curling up into a
} fetal ball like that wimpy husband of yours, either -- you've got more
} guts.  And no crying!  Stop that!
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10% cut of the goodies stashed away in your Swiss
} bank accounts.


43-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I tell whether I am male, or I am female?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that depends on who you want to tell.  The easiest way is to walk
} up to the person and say, "I am male," or, "I am female," as the case
} may be.  If, however, the person is not within walking distance, use the
} telephone to call them and say the appropriate phrase.
}
} If you wish to tell many people, try skywriting.  Or, alternatively, you
} could post to rec.humor, comp.lang.c, or some other newsgroup read by
} many people, telling them that you are male (or female).  Note that
} alt.sex would probably be the most appropriate newsgroup.
}
} The easiest people to tell are the consultants.  Just type 'tell' at any
} UNIX prompt, or mail to user 'tell'.  See the man page tell(1) for more
} details.
}
} You owe the Oracle one stupid answer.  The Oracle has BSed.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org