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Internet Oracularities #430

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430, 430-01, 430-02, 430-03, 430-04, 430-05, 430-06, 430-07, 430-08, 430-09, 430-10


Usenet Oracularities #430    (36 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 15:03:44 -0500

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430   36 votes 1be73 7cc32 6b874 4be70 2db55 cd920 04be7 15ga4 16da6 18g92
430   2.9 mean  3.0   2.5   2.8   2.7   2.9   2.0   3.7   3.3   3.4   3.1


430-01    (1be73 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What major sexual improprieties have I committed in the last five years
> and forgotten about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooooh, this is a good one.  I've been waiting for you to ask me this
} for a *long* time...  *snicker*
}
} Do you remember that girl named Manda back in '88, the one who gave you
} her business card and a piece of sheet metal?  Well, after you two had
} the Kahlua-and-Everclear party, you woke up tied spread-eagle to an old
} Buick, with an empty Cool-Whip[tm] jar around your ...*ahem*... and a
} slight rash. Remember that?!
}
} Or how about Charlene in '90?  She told you that she was
} post-menopausal, but you forgot to consider that she was someone's
} great-grandmother...
}
} Then there's Oldja, when you took that trip to Sweden last summer.  You
} didn't know they could do that with those little wooden shoes, did
} you?!
}
} Oh, how could I forget Samantha?!?  I'll bet you've always wondered why
} you've had an intense fear of Belgian waffles since then...  Did you
} ever find your toothbrush after that one?
}
} And I would be leaving out too much if I left out the tale about Monica
} and Jenny... boy, I've never been able to keep a straight face around a
} cookie cutter since then... classic, Lisa and I live in your debt for
} that one...
}
} You really *do* need to start paying attention to these things...
}
} You owe the Oracle Manda's business card and a cookie cutter.


430-02    (7cc32 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> howzabout dese new priests. kinda hyper, ain't dey?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} sheeesh.  lemme tell ya.
}
} ya know, i jus' ain't bin feelin' da same since father o'reilly kicked.
}
} you an' me both.  lemme tell ya.
}
} i can't go ta confession an' bare my soul wit out dese new priests
} givin' me a lecture 'bout how killin's bad an' how i should go staight.
}
} i git da same treatment.  exactly.  lemme tell ya.
}
} i wants ya ta do me a favor.
}
} yeah, boss.  whatever you say.
}
} go down an' pay a little visit to the new priests.  tell 'em how we
} want things run aroun' here.  tell 'em dis is their las' warnin'.  i
} ain't grovelin' no mo'.
}
} yeah, boss.  right away.  we'll show dem who's boss.
}
} heh heh heh, Heh Heh Heh, HEH HEH HEH.
}
} In payment, you must name the Oracle Godfather to your first born.


430-03    (6b874 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I'm seeking enlightenment.  What software should I buy to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zenmaster 2.0


430-04    (4be70 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What are pocket protectors good for?  Do they protect people
> from pockets or vice versa?  Do they really work?  Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The pocket protector is a decorative feather plucked from the
} tail of the Nerdious Nefarious Nemu, a large flightless bird
} from northern Australia.  The odd shaped feather is placed in the
} pocket as a way of signaling that the wearer is a Nerd, a particular
} subspecies of human that seems to have no desire to reproduce.
} Unfortunatly, as a result of this fad, the Nemu is in dager of
} extinction.  It is time to stop using pocket protectors, as this
} contributes to the decline of an endangered species.
}
} You owe the Oracle a small grovel.


430-05    (2db55 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many light bulbs does it take to change a New Yorker?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, if you had asked, how many *heavy* bulbs it takes to change a New
} Yorker... But light bulbs?
} O. k. - being the omniscient Oracle that I am I of course know, that
} you are referring to those primitive devices for lighting rooms, refri-
} gerators, cars, film scenes and computer terminals that were in use at
} the end of the 20th century.
} Actually, New York was the place with the most light bulbs on earth.
} Now, how many light bulbs would it take to change a New Yorker?
} That question is not quite clear, as you put it - change him into
} what?
} Now being the omniscient Oracle that I am, I of course know that you're
} very hungry at the moment. And from that I deduce...
}
} iuvax::oracle> retr db -t=(light bulbs, heat emission)
}       (1 item found)
} iuvax::oracle> sh db/res
}       The Heat emission of light bulbs:
}       One light bulb emits approximately 70% to 80% of its power as
}       heat. For a 60W light bulb that would amount to about 45W of
}       heat emission.
}
} You need about 100 light bulbs of 60W to change a New Yorker into a
} tasty and spicy T-Bone steak.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason for the amount of the electricity
} consumption in New York.


430-06    (cd920 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All right, all right.  Fess up.  Who stole my paper cutter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Julia Child and Mr. Alice Rhino and Judas and Enrico Fermi and the
} Scarecrow and Mrs. Flesh Eating's concubine and Truman Capote and
} Ringo Starr and Miss Qabalist and Alfred Nobel and Janis Joplin's
} gigolo and St. Peter and Reagan and James Bond and Alaric the Visigoth
} and Peter the Great and Lord Kelvin and Richard M. Stallman and Mr.
} Temperate and John Cabot and Mr. Goldfish Bush and Benito Mussolini
} and Batman and Demosthenes and Lucretius and Kunta Kinte and Mister
} Chimera and Rectory Hummus and Waclaw Havel and Ada Lovelace and
} Chairman Deng and Burt Reynolds and Mister Shrimpy Being and Karl Marx
} and Professor Gerbil Bush-Burdesh and Walter Cronkite and Miss
} Strange-Smell Gerbil's mother and Mister Reluctant Nerd and Gilda
} Radnor's sweetheart and Wilhelm Reich and Wilhelm Reich and Oate and
} Lucretius and Peter the Great's paramour and Teddy Roosevelt and Susan
} B. Anthony and Justice Thonnyt-Wheats Bawmil and Gerald Ford and
} Nelson Mandela and Descartes and Saddam Hussein and God and Dan
} Quayle and Ms. Telephone Bush-Hay-Tofu and Heidegger and Remus and
} Coleridge and Hitler's mistress and Gollum and John Lennon and
} Kipling and Mr. Praying-Mantis Park and Mother Theresa and Sir
} Theclip-Mary-Free-Thal Otter and Ayn Pistachio-Ice-Cream-Nicolae
} and Ms. Cheater and Mrs. Pleasing Woman and Mr. Boob-Wim
} Mashed-Potatoes and .... me!


430-07    (04be7 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle!  I was just wondering what the best way for three guys to
> have sex with a girl is -- and where I could get the three guys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: "Lisa darling, would You come here for a minute?"
}
} L: "Mmm.. yess, Orrie.."
}
} O: "Please stop that! For now, at least.. You seem to have
} misunderstood `coming' - I wanted you to see this question! It seems to
} be for You."
}
} L: "Oh.. But I haven't done that either; don't you remember what
} happens to any mortal man I encounter?"
}
} O: "But we're supposed to be omnipotent! To have potency for everything
} and everyone! We cannot let this supplicant down!"
}
} L: "Why don't you ask Zeus; he's got quite a reputation for dallying
} with humans - the affair with Europa and all that.. I think he's done
} it `both ways' too, at least with Ganymed.."
}
} O: "Good ol' Zeke! Let's.."
}
} --- forward message to Zeus@Mt.Olympus.Greece ---
}
} Z: "Hi, Orrie! Sure I'll help you out, old pal.  Supplicant, the answer
} is.."
}
} --- external unmaskable interrupt from Hera@Mt.Olympus.Greece ---
}
} H: "A-ha! Up to our old tricks again, aren't we? Not this time, I'll
} tell you!"
}
} Z: "But dearest, this was purely hypothetical.."
}
} H: "Hypothetical my ass! Hypo-ethical I'd call it. And don't you
} `dearest' me, you philanderer! Help this mortal woman and I'll start a
} love strike that Aristophanes would have been proud of!"
}
} Z: "Begone, you serpent-tongued wench! I am the Supreme God and will
} not be bossed around by you or any other woman! Why, if you'll forbid
} Me from your bed, I'll go see Lisa instead!"
}
} L: "Oh Zeke, this came so soon.. I hope You won't, though.."
}
} O: "Hey Zeke! That ain't nice, hitting off with your best buddy's lady
} love! Take that <ZOT!>, you Brute!"
}
} Z: "Ouch! Wanna fight? Take this lightbolt <ZZAPP>, you false prophet!"
}
} H: "Lisa, you tart! Breaking up my marriage - never! I'll sure fight
} for my man, you over made-up fishnet stocking mannequin!"
}
} --- We interrupt this domestic quarrel for important news ---
}
} [Oracular Press, Inc. / Mt.Olympus, Greece] A violent thunderstorm and
} volcanic eruption, coupled with severe earthquakes drove several
} hundred thousand Greeks from their homes. The mountain lays quiet now,
} but Geand Theologists describe the mood as `ominous'..
}
} So there you have it. No conclusive answer, but an earth-moving
} experience nevertheless..
}
} You owe the Oracle the resulting marriage-counciling fees.


430-08    (15ga4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo, Oracle:
>
> Why are you so uptight?  Do you need a vacation or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   whaddayamean uptight!  I am as calm as a bear!   I am completely at
}   EASE AND ONENESS WITH THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE, understand, you
}   brain-dead haploid frog-killer!!!!!!!
} <The oracle pauses to bite the head off another otter>
}   I hate it when little slimy crystal-wearing triumphant New Age space
}   cases come and try to ask me about my fucking psychological state.
}   IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS you little "wonderful caring
}   sensitive human being"!  If I were you I'd
} <The oracle smashes a priceless Mung vase without seeming to notice>
}   go destroy myself with a electron microscope!
}
} You owe the oracle a long, long, LONG vacation.


430-09    (16da6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose power sustain all Universe,
> the B.I.G. B.O.S.S. (Big Intelligence Grovelled By Our Silly Specie),
> the great *ZOT*ter, REALLY *COOL* GUY,
> programmer of the Universe, creator of all Physics,
> The One that Plays the Dices, Gamemaster of Galaxies,
> please answer my humble question:
>
> When will you release the next version?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle entering Righteous Indignation Mode]
}
} Art thou, oh vile miscreant, implying, perhaps, that there needs to BE
} a 'next version'? Am I not perfect in every way? Do I not drop core
} only when necessary to teach some uppity hacker a lesson in humility?
} Can I not calculate to the last digit the value of pi? Am I not great
} in bed?
}
} (Oh, yes, Orrie...you ARE...when are you coming BACK to bed, Orrie?)
}
} <Shhh...in just a minute, Lisa...I'm humiliating someone>
}
} (Ok, but hurry...the whipped cream's getting warm and the massage oil's
} getting cold...)
}
} Ahem...where was I....OH, yes...
}
} Do I not make great coffee? Do I not know the Ultimate Answer to Life,
} the Universe, and Everything?
}
} You seem to have a misunderstanding of the fundamental nature of Space
} and Time. You see, they HAD to get it right the first time when the
} wrote me...otherwise, the Universe itself would simply stop -- stop --
} stop
}
} SEGMENTATION FAULT: memory arena corrupted
} PANIC: Memory Fault
} Universal Reboot in progress...
} 5
} 4
} 3
} 2
} 1
} UniverseOS version 1.0 (Space-and-time)
} Checking disks:
} /dev/sd0a: Ok
} /dev/sd0b: Ok
} /dev/sd0c: Ok
} /dev/sd0d: Ok
} ...
} /dev/sd0z: Ok
} ...
} /dev/sd49257235723725823904332352345z: Ok
} Starting daemons...
} printer sendmail gravity energy matter conservation chaos oracle.
}
} [Oracle resuming from where it left off...]
}
} ...simply stop and have to reboot. Have you ever tried rebooting a
} universe? Do you have any idea how long it TAKES to reboot a universe?!
}
} So, you see, no new version is necessary...besides, have you ever tried
} DEBUGGING an omnicient, omnipresent being? It's the kind of thing you
} really only ever want to do once, believe me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a colder can of whipped cream.


430-10    (18g92 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I woke up this morning and found that my name had been changed from
> "Bill Gardner" to "Prince Vicpuh Joccirr Nidccyw Techno-Tech-For
> Morkoqusha Bush".  This is utterly gross and cannot be allowed to
> continue.  What can I do about it, though?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've researched this rather carefully, so I hope I can explain it in
} easily-understandable terms.
}
} This is your family tree:
}                                             illegitimate liason\
} King Morkoqusha = Queen Balla-Nidccyw ------------> (= Morkoqusha)
}   (b. 1799,     |  b. 1801                           |
}    m. 1829      |                              ---=  Morkoqusha, Jr.
}         /-------+---------\                    |     (b. 1832)
}    Techno-Tech           Vicpuh   =  Joccirr --+     moves to America,
}     (b. 1831)           (b. 1833  |  (b. 1836)       with Joccirr, 1871
}   no issue               m. 1864) |                  changes name to
}                  /--------+-------+-----\            Gardner
}             Snorbles   Cheese-O     Prince Vicpuh II   |
}              (both died infants)      (b. 1868)        |
}                                   remains in custody   |
}                                   of Vicpuh            |
}
}                   anyway, a long line of Gardners and Vicpuhs, but
} unfortunately the last Vicpuh died two nights ago, without issue.  You
} have been located as the last remaining survivor of the royal family,
} and despite your less than holy origins (remember, Morkoqusha, Jr., was
} not only an illegitimate son but that his parents were also
} half-siblings!)  Anyway, instead of finding this "utterly gross," you
} should find it an honor and a privilege.  Your name has been changed to
} reflect your new position.
}
} Enjoy your rank and station, on the small island nation of Vicpuhnasa.
} Perhaps, however, as Prince, you can change its name to Garden Isle,
} and you can be the "Jim Gardner" (Jim = "Chief" in Vicpuhlese).  They
} don't like their royalty doing manual labor, however.
}
} You owe the oracle some crown jewels and a family herald.


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