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Internet Oracularities #431

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Usenet Oracularities #431    (34 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 92 13:39:15 -0500

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   431
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

431   34 votes 1da55 5bb52 5fa22 69874 028ae 19a95 2ae62 07h91 29e63 19i60
431   3.0 mean  3.0   2.6   2.4   2.8   4.1   3.2   2.9   3.1   3.0   2.9


431-01    (1da55 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Teflon Man has just survived my Butter Bolt, and I am now surrounded
> by the Non-Stick Ninja's slippery assaults!  How may I survive this
> dreaded supervillain?
>
> Thanks very much,
> Saturated Fat Man.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put on your Pam-proof Parka
} and pummel his palette with Pork
} Or any high-fat yummy snack food
} You don't need a knife or a fork
}
} Clog up his veins with some bacon
} and make all his arteries hard
} Force-feed him some fatty fajitas
} Fried in a full pound of lard
}
} A half dozen eggs has enough cholestrol
} to give him a case of angina.
} Now leave me alone, my dear Lisa's at home
} and I want to get in her - - - - - - - - cupboard?


431-02    (5bb52 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Magnificent Oracle, I kiss your feet!  And might I add that I have
> never before kissed feet so fine!  I am truly worthy for you to walk
> on!  Please answer my humble, lowly, and meek query, for it is
> important that I know:
>
> I get the feeling that often times some of your High Priests are too
> lazy to read through a whole answer before moving on to the next one,
> and therefore miss some great comedy.  What do you do to punish these
> lazy slugs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A humorous answer should not go to waste
} Due to the carelessness of Priests in haste
} To miss a joke, no matter how small
} Is a sin before God, the Oracle and all
}
} A true sense of humor is shared by few
} The wise, the brave (and possibly you)
} When Priests fail (and we know they do)
} I <ZOT> them till they're black and blue
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of your mother's panties.


431-03    (5fa22 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is in regards to Ms Piggy's recent note on proof nets and
> equivalence classes of linear lambda terms. I believe that my recent
> work relating proof nets and coherence is relevant to his result.
>
> The question of coherence arose originally in algebraic topology.
> Basically, coherence amounts to determining which diagrams commute in
> categories with certain additional structure. Typically, this
> structure is a tensor product and implication (as in intuitionistic
> linear logic), or a tensor product and a dualizing functor (as in
> classical linear logic). Examples of such categories are numerous in
> algebraic topology and homological algebra.
>
> It was the fundamental observation of Pontius Pilate that logical
> principles could be used to approach this problem. The idea is to view
> the morphisms which comprise the diagram as deductions in a deductive
> system, under a process analogous to the Curry-Howard isomorphism.
> Then coherence reduces to determining the equivalence relation of the
> corresponding deductive system. Given this interpretation, logical
> methods, most notably cut-elimination, can be put to use. This
> approach has yielded a great many results. (Please see the references
> in my paper.)
>
> Since multiplicative linear logic can be viewed as a logic about
> tensor categories, it was hoped that proof nets could be used to
> provide better coherence results. There is a straightforward
> translation procedure, which assigns a proof net to a morphism in an
> autonomous (tensor, implication) or *-autonomous (tensor, duality)
> category.
>
> Some of the results relating proof nets to coherence are:
>
> 1) In their '72 paper, Dan Quayle and Joseph Conrad introduced the
> notion of ``graph''. Graphs are used to classify which diagrams
> commute, i.e. which deductions are equivalent. Under the proof net
> interpretation, they are seen to correspond exactly to the axiom links.
>
> 2) The confluent cut elimination procedure for proof nets preserves
> equivalence in the corresponding deductive system. The resulting cut
> free net corresponds to a normal form of the deduction, analogous to a
> normalized lambda term. From this, deriving coherence is
> straightforward.
>
> 3) The Michelangelo-Nietzche acyclicity condition corresponds to
> another notion in the Quayle-Conrad paper, compatibility of graphs.
> Please see my paper for the definition.
>
> These results are contained in my paper ``Linear Logic, Coherence and
> Dinaturality'' which has been accepted at TCS. Unfortunately, I can't
> put it on FTP, since there are a number of drawn diagrams. (TeXing
> proof nets was beyond me) If anyone would like a copy, they could send
> me their (ordinary) mail address and I will send it along. A short
> version of this work appeared in SLNCS
> 19284671029387568124376123908746.
>
> But WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um, ah, let's see -- it's been such a long time since I studied proof
} nets back in 3rd grade...  Better go back and check my notes a sec...
}
} Ah, yes, here they are.  Well, hate to tell you this, but you see, in a
} few centuries, there will be a number of theoretical advances in
} topology that will make all your rambling quite obsolete.  I'd share
} them with you, but I'm really not allowed...
}
} But I guess I can tell you what it all means:
}
} The proof (net) of the pudding, is in the eating.
}
} You owe the oracle Jello-brand chocolate flavor.


431-04    (69874 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you,  man!  No,  really,  I LOVE you,  man!  You don't
> understand.  I LOVE YOU MAN!!!
> If we bend the hands on our clocks,  will we distort time and space
> as we know it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hello, this is Kenneth Brown of the BBS reporting live from a scene
} developing near 10 Downing St. in London.  A crowd is forming.  A huge
} crane with a mammoth wrecking ball is there.  The crane operator looks
} familiar -- my Lord!  It's the Usenet Oracle!"
}
} [The reporter nearly loses his dignity as he runs up to the crane
} practically dragging his camera crew.]
}
} Yelling above the noise of a diesel revved to redline, "Mr. Oracle!
} Mr. Oracle!  What in your Wisdom are you doing with that crane?"
}
} "I LOVE you man.  I just love you, really, MAN."
} "!"
}
} "_I LOVE YOU_!"
}
} [The reporter clearly has to struggle for his composure.  He realizes
} that this is the chance of a lifetime to out-scope his american
} counterparts and jumps aboard the crane cab!]
}
} "Mr. Oracle?"
}
} "I JUST LOVE MY SUPPLICANT!"
}
} [The oracle is a really good crane operator.  He sets the crane to
} spinning while operating the winches for a really good wind up of that
} wrecking ball. He's practically relativistic.]
}
} "Are you going to take out Parliament?"
}
} "Big Ben. I want to find out for my suppliant what happens to time if I
} take out Britain's best clock. Some things we just don't know and we
} just have to try it to find out.  I LOVE YOU MAN."
}
} [Spinning ever faster, the reporter becomes dizzy.  Then, with one
} release of the lever, the ball goes flying and smashes straight into one
} of the porcelain faces of Big Ben.  The ball goes straight through the
} tower taking out two of the clock faces in a millisecond.  The crane
} rocks from the recoil.  With little more effort on the Oracle's part,
} Big Ben is a hopeless pile of rubble.  Scores of the crowd are maimed.]
}
} [The Oracle shuts down the crane, observes that nothing else seems to be
} changed and unceremoniously leaves the scene.]


431-05    (028ae dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Shut up and deal!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did somebody say DEAL???
}
} <Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah.....>
}
} It time for...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL!  Today with your host,
} the Omnipotent Oracle!!!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} Hello, everyone, and welcome to everyone's favorite
} net.game.show, Let's Make a Deal!  Today, we are going
} to invite our studio audience to help us make a deal
} as to the best way for the Questioner to die!  Yes,
} that's right!  You see, the Questioner did a number of
} very naughty things when he came up to me with this
} question.  First... and yes, folks, I almost don't
} believe it myself, first he told me to "Shut up!"
}
} <GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} I know, I know.  <Shakes his head sadly.>  You would
} think people like this would learn.  Secondly, and
} even a more heinous crime... he forgot to grovel!
}
} <MORE GASPS OF HORROR>
}
} Now what the questioner should have said would have
} been something along the lines of:
}
} >Oh infinitely wise Oracle, from whom all wisdom flows,
} >whose hand deals nothing but the highest cards, would
} >you please do me the great honor of shutting up and
} >dealing?
}
} Of course, the poor sap still would have bought the
} big one, but not to the extent he is going to today.
} So, what's say we get a member of our audience up here
} and make a deal, OK?
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} All right, all right.  How about you, Ma'am?  <Brings
} up a woman dressed as a house of cards.>  Appropriate
} costume, I must say!  What's your name?
}
} "Matilda!"
}
} OK, Matilda, what do you think should be done with
} the Questioner?
}
} "Where is he?"
}
} Oh, that's right!  Don Pardo, show our audience the
} Questioner!
}
} <Questioner lowered from ceiling on a rope, chained
} up and gagged, writhing from side to side.>
}
} There he is, waiting for his eternal punishment.
} What should be done with him, Matilda?
}
} "How about we delete all his files?"
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} No, no, Matilda, that's too lame.  What we need is
} to destroy this person utterly!  Any other ideas?
}
} "Um... how about breaking into his account and post-
} ing an uncompressed copy of Milton's 'Paradise Lost'
} to talk.bizzare?"
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} What a wonderful idea!  Don Pardo, please make the
} appropriate arrangement!  Now, Matilda, you can
} think up another punishment, or you can take what-
} ever is behind Door number two!
}
} <Scantily clad woman shows off door number two.>
}
} "I'll take the door!"
}
} Oh, I'm sorry Matilda!  Behind that door is a
} copy of the Democratic Presidential Nomintion
} Ballot, a loser by any definition.
}
} <AUDIENCE AWWWWWS>
}
} How about you, sir?  Step right up here.  <Brings
} up man dressed as a pig.>  What would you like to
} do to the Questioner?
}
} "How about carry him by helicopter over Mount
} Penetubo and drop him in?"
}
} Ooooh!  Oooooh!  I like it!  But can't we torture
} him a bit more first?
}
} "Yes!  Force him to read USA Today, while the
} official Unix Manual is read to him through
} eighty-decibel loudspeakers!"
}
} <AUDIENCE GASPS IN HORROR!>
}
} Oh, my, you are a cruel one!  Don, let's do it!
}
} <Questioner starts screaming through the gag,
} as he is taken down from the chain and hauled
} away to have his punishment inflicted on him.>
}
} Now, Sir, as your reward you may take whatever
} is behind Door number one, or what's in this
} box!  And I'll give you a hint, behind door
} number one is something with four wheels!
}
} "I'll take the box!"
}
} Excellent choice, sir!  Behind the door was an
} '87 Yugo!
}
} <AUDIENCE BOOS>
}
} But in this box is... a code key, allowing you
} Root access to any system on the Internet!
}
} <APPLAUSE>
}
} So, we now return you to our regularly scheduled
} program.  Thank you for playing...
}
} LET'S MAKE A DEAL!
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred remnants of your
} left foot.


431-06    (19a95 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so confused whenever I see my girlfriend's tail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jump up on my lap and I'll explain it to you.  That's a good boy.
} Well, you're not a puppy any more.  When a dog gets to be about
} your age, something called hormones happens.  What used to be just
} a tail is now...  Wait a minute, let me start over.  Remember when
} Queenie had puppies?  Well, she didn't do that all by herself.
} One night when the people across the street left their gate open...
} No, this still isn't right.  Umm, wait, I know.  Let's play fetch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lock for the gate.


431-07    (2ae62 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle!  I call upon thee, great master
> of things that are (or ought to be) beknown.
> For now, dread troubles trouble me!
> I sought the black petunia, and I found --
> After three thousand miles of seeking underground --
> That very damned flower.
> Now, at home
> My yard infested, my turnips o'ergrown,
> My very bumbershoot festooned with charcoal flowers.
> I cannot leave this room, or I myself --
> My skin so lily-white, my hair so grey --
> Would quickly be a planter for those plants.
> What herb, what flower-slaying woe
> Might I arrange here, only with thy help
> That then I might escape them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You write:
}
} O Supplicant, ensnared, entrapped,
} take heed of these words, enrapt;
} If you would avoid deadly deciduoucity,
} hearken now to this Oraculocity.
}
} Your problem is a fragrant one, to be sure,
} and unto you great hardship will inure;
} If you fail to heed this advice,
} You'll become plantfood in a trice.
}
} Your problem is a weed, o'ergrown,
} which threatens both house and home
} If you would be free from this deadly forage
} Then nuke the suckers with Agent Orange
}
} One final note, whilst still be time,
} You may be wondering about the previous line,
} My Oracular wisdom knows what you're thinking,
} "It didn't rhyme, and its meter be stinking."
}
} But truth be told, in an Oracular Poem,
} Paen, Diatribe, or even Koan,
} If you are wise, and wish to be Zotless,
} You'll agree I can rhyme anything with "Orange."
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocketful of posies.


431-08    (07h91 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, profuse, persiflagenous, and all sorts of other
> really cool words as well, and just an all around pretty neat guy:
>
> What is the fascination that graduate students have with PROLOG? I
> mean, I went to the library today, and out of the approximately N**20
> books on PROLOG in the catalog, N**20-4 had been checked out (all by
> the same person, too) leaving only the dregs, such as "PROLOG on the
> Univac Personal Computer," "PROLOG for Toasters" and "Indiscrete
> Multivariate Indeterminate Functional Structural Logic Programming: A
> Brief In-Depth Overview." All I needed to know was what a difference
> list was, and those !@$?! graduate students --
>
> Hmm...
>
> I think I'll change my question. Oracle, how can we get rid of the
> graduate students, or at least keep them out of libraries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you forgot to face iuvax while typing your grovel.
} However, I'll overlook it this once.
}
} Now, on to your question.  I think this calls for an on-the-spot
} interview. *POOF*
}
} ``Cthulhu yes!  Shoggoths no!''
}
} Excuse me, young lady?
}
} ``Diana yes!  Apollo no!''
}
} Miss?  Ms?  Mrs?  Srta?  Fraulein?
}
} ``What is it?''
}
} What are you doing?
}
} ``We are demonstrating for the Environmentalist Pro-Forest Group.  As
}   you know, tropical deforestation is a major problem right now, and we
}   are trying to end that.  We include 100% of the graduate students,
}   31.4% of the undergraduate students, and 0.01% of the faculty on
}   campus. Our demands...''
}
} Wait a minute.  What will you do if your demands are not met?
}
} ``If our demands are not met within a week, we will burn all library
}   books we have checked out, withdraw from the University, and never
}   enter a library again.  If our demands are met, we will return the
}   books and return to classes.  I've checked out a lot of books that
}   seemed terribly anti-tree, like `Pro-log for the handyman,' ...''
}
} Did you know that `PROLOG on the Univac Personal Computer' is still in
} the library?
}
} ``After consultation, I judged it best to leave that one in.
}   As you know, `Univac' means `one vacuum tube', so we felt the
}   implied anti-semiconductor,  anti-technological-development message
}   would confuse the pro-log forces.''
}
} I see.
}
} Well, it looks like you have a problem.  You can't always get
} everything you want.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of toothpicks.


431-09    (29e63 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh all mighty Oracle, whose infinite wisdom dwarfs the cosmos, whose
> transcendentalism transcends pure reason, please answer this humbly
> asked question by a miserable querent who is lower than pus.
>
> What is the purpose of navel gazing, and how does one go about it
> correctly? Someone told me that it brought tranquility and inner peace,
> but when I gazed at my navel, I got a neckache after only 6 minutes.  I
> tried doing it in a mirror, but it felt like cheating.  Can you help
> me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my.  This is terrible.  You've got it all wrong.  Well, not all of
} it, but a good portion of it.  The purpose of this exercise is indeed
} to relax you.  Looking into the seemingly endless spiral of a naval is
} supposed to overwhelm you with the concept of infinity, the endless
} cycle of nothingness to life to death, and back to nothingness;
} however, due to the position of the naval, you are not supposed to look
} at your own, you are supposed to gaze into that of another.  Preferably
} the cutest person that you know.  That way, after you are done
} contemplating all of the greater mysteries in life, you can move on to
} a less taxing exploration of the fundamental concepts of biology.  Give
} it another try.
}                                                       The Oracle


431-10    (19i60 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *POOF*
>
> I am the line noise that screws up your download. I am the winged
> scourge that pecks at your nightmares. I am Darkwing Duck and I don't
> have to grovel.
>
> Ha! You call that a Zot? I've been Zotted by better villains than you
> before breakfast.
>
> Ha! Missed! I'm just to quick for...
>
> *ouch*
>
> That smarts.
>
> So, what do I have to do to get rid of Negaduck once and for all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there.  I am the sensor that senses the breathing of galaxies.  I
} am the marijuana that makes the dread denizens of the Crypt most high.
} I am the sulpherous language that blisters the ears of the demons.
} I am the sweet voter that must choose between Janis Joplin and George
} Bush for Minister of Fleeces.  I am the latch on the doorway of time,
} the marinade on the potroast of life, the quivering ice cream of
} destruction, the ego of a trout, the salad of the bad cafe.
} I am the eggman.  We are the eggmen. I am the walrus, you cookoo
} cashew.
}
} But I don't get this stuff about zotting.  I haven't zotted you.  You
} seem to have run into my iron-spiked soapdish.
}
} OK, you can't get rid of Negaduck yourself. You must call upon the
} assistance of the Justice League of Society, with heroes like Captain
} Everything, Flatman, Flaming Carrot, Omaha the Cat Dancer, Blue Opal
} (The Sword Broad with the Broadsword), Cerebus, The Antagonistic
} Paintbrush, and Snowbuni.  Even then it will be a dreadful battle
} spanning universes, filled with scenes of screaming destruction and
} gratuitous melodrama, duels to the death between ducks and people in
} panties and capes who hardly know each other.  It will result in the
} entire destruction of Earth-Twinkie.
}
} <Damn mainstream comic superheroes.  Always bashing on each other.
} You owe the Oracle subscriptions to Omaha, XXXenophile, and
} Normalman.>


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