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Internet Oracularities #432

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Usenet Oracularities #432    (33 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 08:04:54 -0500

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432   33 votes 3c774 13h93 07aa6 047d9 1db71 4ca52 79a43 2c973 3ec31 3ce22
432   3.0 mean  2.9   3.3   3.5   3.8   2.8   2.7   2.6   2.9   2.5   2.6


432-01    (3c774 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can I do to save the planet? I recycle, I buy recycled products,
> (even recycled toilet paper), I recharge batteries and I even have
> bought a pen that only needs cartrige change, not total pen repair.
>
> What *ELSE* is there?
>
> Dave

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO SAVE THE EARTH
}
} ELECTRICITY CONSERVATION
}
} 1.  Watch TV with the picture turned off.
}
} 2.  Hook up your exercise-bike to the grid.
}
} 3.  Change half the lightbulbs in your house to darkbulbs.
}
} SPECIES DIVERSITY
}
} 4.  Breed new varieties of creatures living in your eyelashes.
}
} 5.  Spread your digestive system's flora.
}
} RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
}
} 6.  Use double-sided floppy disks.
}
} 7.  (For students) Recycle old essays, papers, and so forth.
}
} FOOD MANAGEMENT
}
} 8.  Cannibalism.
}
} POPULATION CONTROL
}
} 9.   Have a vasectomy.  You never know.
}
} 10.  Submit to fatal Oracular ZOTting owing to insufficient
} obseqiousness.
}
} <ZOT>
}
} That concludes this answer.  Have a nice day.


432-02    (13h93 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>
>   I have decided to be torn to bits by a raving mob of wild beasts.
>   What kind of beasts are best?  What kind of wine should I serve with
>   myself?
>
> Thanks ever so much,
>    Miss Murders.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no best beast, though there are some worst choices available,
} such as butterflies and sea cucumbers.  Koalas are out of the question.
}
} This being an election year, there are plenty of jackals available,
} but they are rather sloppy and tend to damage the tablecloth.  Tigers
} are very neat, but they are rare and not very sociable, and it is hard
} to get one to commit to being there without at least two months notice.
}
} If it is very tiny bits that you want to be torn into, I recommend the
} New Zealand alpine parrot, or Kea.  (The Oracle once had a rental car
} stripped by a mob of these versitile birds.)  If you prefer larger
} bits, bears and/or wolves might be more your speed.
}
} It depends on what you like.
}
} As to the wine: since you are a mortal human, thus red meat, a dry
} red wine with a slightly fruity bouquet should go well.  A good
} burgundy goes well with this kind of repast as well.  Don't spend more
} than $10.00 per bottle, though.  Wild beasts don't have very refined
} palettes, and just won't appreciate the difference.
}
} You owe the Oracle the wishbone.


432-03    (07aa6 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Christopher Pettus" <christopher_pettus@qm.taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, nice place ya got Oracle!
>
> My name's Vinnie and dis is my buddy Guido.  We're insurance salesmen.
> You know, in case anything should happen to dat nice workstation
> you got dere.  Sure be a shame if it got a virus or something.  For
> just one thousand dollas a month, we'll make sure nothin happens to it
> or to your nice girlfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [CLICK]
} Dong, ding, dong... [Insert snazzy overdone graphics here]
}
} [Voice over] "From the NBC tower in downtown Chicago, It's the
}               channel 6 News, with Carol Gonzales and Ron Jacobson,
}               THE Ten O'clock news."
}
} "Good evening, I'm Carol Gonzales. In our top story, alleged
} organized crime kingpin Bruno "No Nose" DiCarlo has broken into Cook
} County Jail and locked himself into a cell in the maximum security
} wing. Walter Curtis is at District 18 police headquarters, which is
} unfortunate since nothing of importance is occurring there. Instead,
} we have the following statement from the District Attorney, recorded
} earlier:"
}
} [Roll tape]
} "Mr. DeCarlo has decided to turn himself in. From information he has
} provided, we have located Cocaine and Heroin with an estimated street
} value of $960 million dollars, approximately 10,000 automatic
} weapons, a multistage nuclear device, and a vault containing film and
} tape of criminal operations going back more than 20 years. When I
} mentioned that this evidence will put him and every member of his
} organization in prison until the late 23rd century, he replied 'Some
} things are worse than a natural life sentence.'"
} [End tape]
}
} "In a related story, the charred remains of DiCarlo's enforcers,
} Vinnie "The Hangnail" Esposito and Guido "Little Elvis" Tercotti,
} were discovered at Navy Pier. Roberta Marin is at the scene:"
}
} "Carol, I have with me Whitley Streiber, noted para-believable
} researcher and author. Mr. Streiber, what did you see?
}
} "Well, I was setting up my telescope at the end of the pier when four
} figures appeared a short distance away. I couldn't make out most of
} the conversation, but one of them said "I've gotcha capo di tutti
} capi right here", there was a huge flash of light, and I blacked out.
} When I awoke all I could find were burnt bits and gold fillings."
}
} "This is Roberta Marin, reporting from Navy Pier. Back to you Carol."
}
} "Police have released a composite sketch of the two suspects based on
} Mr. Streiber's account [inset sketch of two silver suited figures
} with bulbous heads and large black eyes. One of them is built like a
} brick spaceport]. Persons with information concerning [looks at
} monitor]... Er, never mind. The weather and sports are next."
} [CLICK]
}
} Note to Querent and reviewer (cut this): I apologize for the heavy dose
} of Chicago content, but this incarnation happens to live there, and
} the content fits most people's mistaken opinions of my city. Reporter's
} names were scrambled as a cheap inside joke.


432-04    (047d9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> It has come to our attention, that our client (heretofore referred to
> as "Claimant") has come to some severe harm as a result of advice he
> has followed, which was apparently given him by you (heretofore
> referred to as "Diety.")
>
> In an effort to win the attentions of the object of his affection,
> Client (grovelling quite nicely, according to our files), asked the
> advice of the aforementioned Diety, and received a response on February
> 10, 1992. On February 14th 1992, Claimant purchased two cases of
> Wisconsin Cheddar Spray Cheez, and 50 lbs. of chipped ice at his local
> 7-11, per Diety's instructions.  According to Claimant, the overweight
> German businessmen were more difficult to obtain, and were not merely
> unruly at first, but did in fact, become violent, causing Claimant
> several lacerations and hematoma.
>
> The pyrotechnic display suggested by Diety was, according to our
> records, neither legal in Claimant's state, nor given with the
> appropriate safety instructions.  Evidently, the ice was not sufficient
> to keep the cans of Spray Cheez from exploding, causing damage to the
> Claimant's automobile in addition to several deep shrapnel wounds and
> minor ozone depletion locally.
>
> Claimant is currently in stable condition at Our Lady Of Mercy
> Hospital, and expects to be returning home in several months, dependent
> upon psychiatric evaluations and adjustment.
>
> Please be advised that a summons to appear in court will be delivered
> within the month, as Claimant has advised us to sue for full financial
> remuneration for all damages, in addition to a sizeable sum for pain
> and suffering, and compensation for all legal fees in this matter.
>
>       Thank you,
>
>               Hyman Zizivitz
>
>       Zizivitz, Plochman, Levin, and Bloch; Attorneys at Law.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Zizivitz:
}
} In reference to your threatened suit against my client, (heretofore
} referred to as "the Glorious Omnipotence") by your client, (heretofore
} referred to, if at all, as "the sniveling worm") I am authorized to
} inform you that any attempt by the sniveling worm to hold the Glorious
} Omnipotence responsible for any injuries incurred while acting upon the
} Glorious Omnipotence's advice will be met with swift and perfunctory
} extermination.
}
} Simply put, your client has no case. If I may quote from the Virtual
} Realities Responsibilities Act of 1992 (H.R. bill #239840, Sen. bill
} #2303928407):
}
}       "No artificial entity or other electromolecular construct
}        confined within computer hardware may be held accountable for
}        injuries or loss resulting from said entities advice,
}        commentary, or instruction. (This also applies to the Usenet
}        Oracle 'cause I think he's really neato -- DanQ)"
}
} In any case, you may rest assured that if this harrassment continues,
} my client will almost certainly feel compelled to create "Snivelling
} Worm Flambe a la Oracle".
}
}       Up yours,
}
}               Demosthenes Harcourt
}
}       Harcourt, Fenton, and Mudd; Attorneys at Law


432-05    (1db71 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle grand and imperturbable, upon whose physiognomy
> I am not worthy to gaze, please give me an answer to
> this insignificant mortal question:
>
> My bunny slippers are multiplying! I _used_ to have a
> left-bunny-slipper, and a right-bunny-slipper, but now
> I have a full-grown pair of bunny slippers, and about
> fifteen little-itty-bitty bunny-slippers. What's going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, my mortal friend have presented a very interesting question.  One
} that has an answer I am willing to believe you will have a hard time
} accepting at first.  Then again, it is not my job to make you believe,
} but only to tell you the way that it is.  You live at the *exact*
} center of the universe.  This means that your humble abode and
} everything in it are susceptible to various forces of nature with which
} you may not be totally familiar.  One thing that happens is that every
} time Johnny Carson tells a funny joke everthing in a million mile
} radius vaporizes.  Fortunately, we are still here today.  But I
} digress.  The relevant force is known among scholars as the weak
} procreative force.  What happens is that whenever matter is destroyed
} in a black hole somewhere else in the cosmos, it must be re-created
} somewhere else so that pysicists aren't wrong.  This creates a barely
} discernable ripple in the space-time continuum, and your slippers,
} momentarily, become real-life bunny rabbits and do real-life bunny
} rabbit things.  Over the span of time your slippers actually lead full
} lives as a member of their animate species, thus reproducing in order
} to perpetuate themselves.  Evenutally your bunny rabbits are going to
} die because of this ripple.  You will know this because all of the
} stuffing will fall out and their ears will droop.  Please give them the
} proper burial at that time.
}                                                           The Oracle


432-06    (4ca52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the side effects and other consequences of spreading
> mayonnaise -- and not the gross tinned stuff either: homemade
> mayonnaise -- on a Satan worshipper like Charles Darwin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Lisa, go get me a Satan worshiper, preferably that man's-from-monkeys
} Darwin heathen-mortal-critter-thing.  I need to whip up some of mama's
} mayo."
}
} The Oracle slips into an apron.
}
} "Let's see, urban pigeon eggs, virgin press Sicilian olive oil cut with
} clear wine vinegar, dash of an aged lime and the hint of
} nutmeg...Presto!"
}
} "Lisa, got the worshiper?"
}
} "All I could find was the Devil himself."
}
} "Great, Lisa.  Now there'll be hell to pay.  <What I go through for
} these mortals!>  Well, I guess at this point it'll have to be close
} enough."
}
} The Oracle spreads an 'X' across the chest of the Devil with a spatula
} full of mayo.
}
} The Devil is confused!
}
} He is also clearly indignant.
}
} Further undaunted, the Oracle blobs a spatula full on each shoulder.
} Then, still holding the spatula in His hand, says, "You are free to
} flee."
}
} Now the Devil is totally confused.  He considers many scenarios but
} makes the smart move.  He scoops a taste of the Oracle's mayonnaise to
} his mouth, reconsiders in awe, and flees with his pointy red tail
} between his legs.
}
} There it is.


432-07    (79a43 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why it's not over until the fat lady sings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is blasphemy!  A mortal, and a FAT one at that, thinks SHE can
} determine when It is over?  Lemme see...
}
} Olympus% rlogin big.book
}
} Last login:  Thu Apr  1 276 B.C. from olympus
} *heh... that was when I pulled that big
} "resurrect-all-the-Neanderthals" April
}  Fools' joke... Hades was sure mad about that...*
}
} Ultrix-32 V3.0 (Rev 1E12) System #1
}
} *Gawd... slow hardware...*
}
} % finger fat_lady
}
} *ORRIE!*
}
} "No, Lisa, it's just this damn system Hades has set up..."
}
} *pout*
}
} Login name: fat_lady                    In real life:  BARR ROSEANNE
} Directory: /usr/cellulite/fat_lady      Shell: /bin/csh
} Plan:  Eat and cause the End by singing.
}
} *hmm... maybe I ought to put her where she belongs...*
}
} % cd /usr/cellulite/fat_lady
} % rm -fr *
}
} That's the last time SHE'LL make fun of the anthem!
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Slim-Fast and an extra-wide coffin.


432-08    (2c973 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, finally a supplicant who has mastered the art of writing a brief
} and concise question.  You can't possibly know how annoying it is to
} wade through reams of mindless drivel waiting for some poor sod to
} get hir petty insignificant point.  But you, you show some promise.
} Anyway, in answer to your query, there are a few points to be made:
}
} 1. Polka is NOT mood music.
} 2. Avoid references to Cleveland.
} 3. Stay away from public fountains (the decorative kind); dogs like
}       to pee in them.
} 4. Jello wrestling might be fun, but I recommend whipped cream
}       and handcuffs.
} 5. Be aware of the distinction between KY jelly and WD-40.
} 6. Whatever you do, make sure the blender ISN'T plugged in.
}
} Have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocket OED.


432-09    (3ec31 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh master oracle, wisest of all.  What will become of Tammy
> and me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will be married.  You will begin giving advice to your friends.
} You will find that your advice is good.  You shall find God(tm).  You
} shall begin a local ministry.  Your parish shall thrive.  You will
} reach out to more people than ever via TV.  You shall gain weight.
} Tammy shall gain weight.  Tammy will become violently ugly and try to
} mask her face with make-up.  Your tele-ministry shall thrive.  You will
} make lots of money off of people that mail you money to support your
} ministry.  You will be corrupted.  You will like it very much.  You
} will be exposed as a felon.  You will go to jail. Tammy will divorce
} you and take with her every last cent she can find.  You will emerge
} from jail, and lead a humble rest-of-your-life (the only thing keeping
} you off of skid row is that some people will always send you money).
} You will die a beggar.  Tammy will come to your funeral and afterwards
} urinate on your grave.  You will go to Hell.  You will suffer eternal
} damnation.  You will have the image of Tammy ingrained in your mind for
} all of time.
}
} Let me give you some advice, go straight to your door.  Leave.  Go
} *very* far away.  Do not look back.  Tammy is a she-devil.
}
} You owe the Oracle the single of ``50 ways to leave your lover.''


432-10    (3ce22 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the wielder of power and might ?
> Whose infinity goes out of sight ?
> Who else could it be as noble and wise
> as my favourite oracle and please don't think twice
> as one only thought of your mindboggling big brain
> is to mortals a relief from suffer and pain
> So please do give an answer to my unworthy question
> Who is Lisa, or what or...ehmm..where has this rhyme gone ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa.  Yes.  Everyone wants to know about the woman with the
} wholesome name and the wanton wiles, the net.sex.goddess who has
} become more legendary than the Oracle him/her self.
}
} The Oracle gets 70% more mail addressed to "Lisa," which is odd,
} since Lisa doesn't actually LIVE with the Oracle.  You see, Lisa
} is a real person.  She dated one of the early Oracular priests,
} answered a few questions, and lo and behold, became the stuff of
} legend.
}
} They said she had a sexual appetite that was insatiable. . .
} They said she kept the Oracle perversely satisfied in all of his
}         nether regions. . .
} They said she giggled and acted like "Jeannie" on that famous
}         pseudo-bondage television show. . .
}
} "Lisa," however (the net.sex.goddess, not the real woman), is a
} collective figment of a lot of oversexed, undersatisfied computer
} geeks who sit in their dorm rooms, pick their noses and
} accumulate sex fantasies.  The REAL Lisa wouldn't date them on a
} bet.
}
} The REAL Lisa had taste, standards, and never, ever giggled.
}
} The REAL Lisa demanded satisfaction before she gave it.
}
} The REAL Lisa. .. hey. . . whaddya know?  It looks as though a
} new Lisa legend is already beginning.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for why you like Penthouse.


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