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Internet Oracularities #435

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435, 435-01, 435-02, 435-03, 435-04, 435-05, 435-06, 435-07, 435-08, 435-09, 435-10


Usenet Oracularities #435    (32 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 13:42:54 -0500

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   435
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

435   32 votes 6d931 288b3 06c68 155f6 5cc30 0895a 15ca4 046g6 28c82 349c4
435   3.2 mean  2.4   3.2   3.5   3.6   2.4   3.5   3.3   3.8   3.0   3.3


435-01    (6d931 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          H A C K E R   C R O C K E T T   B O G U S
>                    C O N S U L T A N T S
>
> Hacker Crockett Bogus, Inc.
> Quality Control Consultants
> 32767 Kewbus Drive
> Foonly Park, MD 22998
>
> T. Usenet Oracle
> c/o I. U. Vakks
> Seess, IN 47405
>
> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> Attached is the final report of our recently completed
> quality-control study.  We have identified a number of grave
> deficiencies in the current production process, which we
> believe can only be remedied by a rapid and thorough
> introduction of TQM (Total Quality Management).
>
> TQM means total quality, a commitment to excellence at all
> levels of the organization.  The essence of TQM is a
> paradigm shift at the process level.  Each stage in the
> production process becomes involved in hands-on quality
> management through extensive training and a total,
> enterprise-wide restructuring of the information and process
> flow.
>
> TQM requires each stage in the production process to come to
> view the subsequent stage as its customer, and itself as the
> customer of the prior stage.  Immediate feedback is
> essential for on-the spot quality corrections.  TQM requires
> the active involvement of management by practicing
> "management by walking around," and a visible committment of
> resources.  And TQM requires highly-paid, slick-talking
> quality consultants with fancy letterhead and reports.
>
> Mr. Oracle, the firm of Hacker Crockett Bogus is uniquely
> placed to help your enterprise make the transition into the
> globally competitive, integrated market of the year 2000.
> Without boldly innovative leaders such as yourself, the
> American oracular industry will be ill-equipped to face the
> growing challenge from overseas.  We congratulate you on
> your foresight in commissioning this study, and look forward
> to the opportunity to participate in the implementation of
> TQM on a regular contractual basis.
>
> Upon receipt of the final report (enclosed), our initial
> consulting fee of ### INTEGER OVERFLOW ### becomes due.
> Thank you for your prompt remittance.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Will Crockett
> Senior Partner
>
> WC:bdm
>
> Enclosures: 1

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T. Usenet Oracle
} IU Vakks
} Cease, IN 47405
}
} Hacker Crockett Bogus, Inc.
} Quality Control Consultants
} 32767 Kewbus Drive
} Foonly Park, MD 22998
}
} Dear Sirs,
}
} Thank you for your letter. However, I too must show you a
} quality-control report of my own:
}
} orrie 176 % zcat /archive/earth/design.control.Z | oget -type
} important-stuff
}
} An assesment of post-production quality on class 3 Earth-like planets
} (tm):
}
} Personal note from vulcan@olympus.com:
}
} Damn you oracle pus hjead! You knew damn well we didn't want a f*cking
} _bellybutton_ on that damned planet! And that grin on the moon's face
} is just too sad. orrie is a butt-head, orrie is a butt-head, orrie...
}
} Personal note from zeus@olympus.com:
}
} Oracle, due to insufficient quality in the design plans of
} Earth (tm) - YOU'RE FIRED! Try answering mortal questions - they
} wouldn't know quality if it stood up and spit in their faces.
}
} PS. O Oracle grand, what's a bellybutton?
}
} orrie 177%
}
} So you see, I just don't give a shit about quality. Well...
} I _do_ appreciate a HIGH-QUALITY, NOVEL-LENGTH, HUMILIATING
} GROVEL! SO, Mr. quality-control,
}
} You owe the Oracle an unlimited precision Integer math package,
} and an explanation for Zeus.


435-02    (288b3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle whose wonders never cease to amaze my tiny brain
> Whose feats are so large one cannot comprehend their magnitude
> Would you please, please (I beg of you) take a small portion of
> your precious time to answer the following question:
>
> Why is my boyfriend a conceited jerk (most of the time) and such
> a cute, cuddly teddy bear the rest of the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, out of every twenty-eight days, your boyfriend is a
} teddy-bear one day, and a jerk the other twenty-seven.  The explanation
} is simple: your boyfriend is a conceited jerk who is a were-teddy-bear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a silver bullet (you won't want one yourself.)


435-03    (06c68 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sublime and all-knowing.  You probably wrote this to
> start with but enlighten me - *is* it better to suffer the slings and
> arrows of outrageous fortune?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Showy fanfare music, screams of bored housewives]
}
} [A disembodied voice....]
} And now, its time for your favourite game of chance, "The Money Or The
} Gun".  And heeeere's your host, The Usenet Oracle!
}
} [Even more cheers]
}
} O: Thanks, Don.  Welcome, everyone, to another episode of "The Money
} Or The Gun", the game show where contestants trade off can their
} destiny of the day for the possibility of actual mutilation or Big
} Cash Prizes!
}
} [Cheering hits fever pitch]
}
} O: O.K., Don, who is this week's lucky contestant?
}
} D: Right, Oracle.  This week's contestant is a Prince from Denmark who
} enjoys fishing, sailing, knife throwing and politics.  Give a big,
} Money Or The Gun welcome to Hamlet!
}
} [More cheers, though not as many as for Oracle]
}
} O: Thanks, Don.  Welcome to The Money Or The Gun, Hamlet.  Feeling
} confident?
}
} H: Yep, Sure am, Oracle.
}
} O: Are you a gambling man, Hamlet?
}
} H: Well, I've been known to take a few risks in my time....
}
} O: Are your family in the audience today?
}
} H: Unfortunately, no.  They are pretty unwell right now.
}
} O: Oh, thats a shame. Well, on with the show!  Don, what is Hamlets
} destiny today?
}
} D: Hamlet, your destiny for today is to suffer the slings and arrows
} of Outrageous Fortune.  Yes, Outrageous Fortune,  when you think it
} can't get any worse, Outrageous Fortune is always there.  Since
} 1,000,000BC, a family owned business catering to your every phobia.
}
} [Polite, keep-the-sponsors-happy cheers]
}
} O: Well, Hamlet, how does that sound?
}
} H: I'm not sure. It could be OK, but Fortune is such a fickle thing.
}
} O: Sure is.  That's why we are giving you the opportunity to trade
} your Outrageous Fortune for what's behind this door:
}
} [Scantily-clad bimbo waves hands near a door with a big letter A on it
} in the patented, I-can-smile-but-not-talk way.  This brings more
} cheers and one wolf-whistle that is rapidly ejected by station
} security.]
}
} O: Well, Hamlet, what'll it be? The contents of door A or the slings
} and arrows?  What about it audience?
}
} [ Huge volume of shouts from the housewives:  "Open the door", "Take
} the arrows", "The Door, The Door," etc.]
}
} H: Um, this is hard.  Um, Er, No, I'll take the Door.
}
} O: OK, Hamlet, you've elected to give up the slings and arrows for
} what is behind door A.  Lets see what you have won!
}
} [The Bimbo opens door A.  All it contains is a very large card with $1
} stuck to it and the words "Or, Try Again".  Half the audience goes
} "Oooh", the other half goes "Ahhhh".]
}
} O: Good luck, there, Hamlet.  You've got the One-Dollar-or-Try-Again
} prize.  You can walk away with one dollar and no Outrageous Fortune,
} or you can try again.  What'll it be?
}
} H: Well, $1 isn't much, I'll try again.
}
} O: OK, lets see the next door!
}
} [The set containing door A rotates 120 degrees, revealing another
} bimbo and a door marked B.]
}
} O: Here is your second chance.  Will you go for the door or the slings
} and arrows?  Audience?
}
} [More cheering, somewhat like before.]
}
} H: Um... Err...  To B or not to B?  That is the question!  Is it
} better to suffer the slings and arrows of Outrageous Fortune, or...
} No, hang it all, I'll take door B!
}
} O: OK, lets see what you have won!
}
} [Bimbo #2 opens the door to reveal a tomahawk.  The audience lets out
} a low "ooooooooooohhh"]
}
} O: I'm sorry, Hamlet, no cash prize for you.  But in exchange for your
} Outrageous Fortune you have won a small hatchet and a lifetime supply
} of firewood.  Don!
}
} D: Yes, Hamlet, never run short of fuel again!   More trees than you
} can ever use, all delivered to your doorstep.  All you have to do is
} cut it down yourself!  This prize comes from the wonderful people at
} Dunsinane Firewood and Mayhem.
}
} [poilte cheers from a sympathetic audience]
}
} H: But what's the catch?  Where is the punishment?  The mutilation?
}
} O: Tell him, Don!
}
} D: Yes, Hamlet, the kicker is this.  These trees don't _like_ being
} cut down. And some of them get very cross when they see an axe.  And
} they think you own a sawmill!  Good luck!
}
} O: Yes, good luck indeed, Hamlet; I have a feeling your going to need
} it.  Thanks for playing!
}
} H: [In a state of shock] Oh, yes, Thanks, Oracle.
}
} O: Well, that's all we have time for this week, folks.  Join us next
} week on "The Money Or The Gun"!
}
} [wild cheering as credits roll]
} --------
}
} So it appears that the slings and arrows are probably the best bet.
} Unless you like trees.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very sharp axe.


435-04    (155f6 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Pandemic Omniscient Oracle, I implore thee to grant me
> enlightenment on my insignificant matter:
>
>       After five days struggling with ResEdit, "Inside Macintosh", and
> a bunch of other mish-mash, I finally managed to create a Mac font, the
> first ever readable Mac font I've seen.
>
>       My question:  Why did they make it so zarking difficult?
>
>       Related question:  Why is it that Volume 4 of "Inside Macintosh"
> seems to say, "Everything you read in volumes 1-3 is wrong?"  Is it
> some obscure joke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is quite simple: Macintosh fonts were never really meant to
} be altered or changed, because Apple has always provided all the fonts
} required by its overwhelmingly most important base of users, college
} freshman writers who need to impress their instructors with
} "neat-looking" papers.
}
} Perhaps you have not read any freshman essays lately, and are unversed
} in the arcana of proper Macintosh typography.  The Oracle is kind and
} patient, and herewith provides the Oracle Guide to Mac Fonts for
} Freshman Writers and Other Aspiring Gutenbergs.
} ===============================================
}
} FONT          SIZE   COMMON USES
}
} Chicago       12     The most crucial Mac font/size combination.  Use
}                      for the body of your essays.  It's big enough so
}                      you can get away with 500 words or so on your
}                      6-page assignment, especially if you are clever
}                      with your margins and spacings.  And it's a
}                      hearty, bold font that really makes a statement
}                      about what a serious student you are.  Your TA is
}                      going to be impressed, because she's never seen
}                      anything like it.  Probably all your classmates
}                      are still using 1941 Remington manuals to do their
}                      essays!
}
} Geneva         9     The workhorse of freshman essay fonts.  This
}                      size/font combination is especially useful when
}                      you need to put every single quotation you
}                      downloaded from CD-ROM into your term paper and
}                      you don't want to go over the page limit.  (HINT:
}                      single-space!  Studies show single-spaced essays
}                      contain approximately twice as many quotations as
}                      double-spaced ones!)
}
}                      Geneva was not designed as a laser font.  It may
}                      surprise you, but Mac "gurus" know it's only
}                      "cool" to turn in a Geneva 9 essay that's been
}                      printed on an ImageWriter with an original ribbon.
}                       (I.e., one that has never been changed; you can
}                      find one in any college writing center.)  This
}                      gives your instructor the message that you're
}                      serious about your writing--you're not seduced by
}                      all that fancy graphic folderol of laser printers,
}                      TrueType, and so on, like your roommate the Visual
}                      Arts major.
}
} Courier       12     Apple paid Charles Schulz a respectable licensing
}                      fee to carefully duplicate the font that Snoopy
}                      uses when he types "It was a dark and stormy
}                      night...".  It really does look just like a
}                      typewriter font!  If you're on the school paper,
}                      you can turn in your copy with Courier 12 and the
}                      editor will know you're an "old hand."  Don't
}                      forget to put the "--30--" at the bottom!
}
} Helvetica     10,12  The name alone says it.  It's a sans-serif font
}                      with a hint of Continental panache, like Hannibal
}                      crossing the Alps.  Kids at the Ivies and the
}                      Seven Sisters wouldn't use anything else.  If
}                      Sylvia Plath had had a Mac, this is what she would
}                      have used to write her journals at Smith!
}
} London        18     Use for title pages for English classes.  It
}                      impresses the hell out of the English profs--
}                      they'll think you've been studying 14th-century
}                      Court hand just like Geoffrey Chaucer did!
}
} San Francisco 18     You'll stand out from the crowd when you use
}                      this "wild and crazy" font for your title pages!
}
} Venice        14     Use Venice 14 for your creative writing
}                      assignments. A restrained but soulful Italianate
}                      cursive, it gives off intimations of espresso and
}                      Gaulois cigarettes.  It was modeled after James
}                      Joyce's handwriting, and is designed to slow
}                      reading speed by 40-50%, so that your instructor
}                      can savor and linger over your phraseology.
}
} Cairo         18     Famous old-time typesetters like the young Mark
}                      Twain and Benjamin Franklin used "dingbats" to
}                      liven their pages and give their All-American
}                      prose real "zip"!  Semioticians like C. S. Pierce
}                      and Umberto Eco have emphasized the importance of
}                      iconicity to human sign-systems.  You can put
}                      Cairo 18's frogs, trucks, and firecrackers into
}                      your text with full confidence in their historic
}                      and theoretical importance!
}
} Plus Athens, Monaco, New York, Times, and more...  Sure, it's
} theoretically possible to create new Mac fonts, but with this
} typographical wealth, why bother?


435-05    (5cc30 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> George Bush damn them all! I was told we'd sail the seas for Amsterdam
> gold! We'd soften no ion enhancers, we'd baffle to no reactants! Now
> I'm a broken McCarthyite on an Edinburgh pier, the last of John
> Travolta's mistress' gym teachers!  I don't understand it Oracle, I
> can't even play kickball -- I'm mostly around to keep the scientific
> supplies happy -- but Travolta has told me that he would personally
> pour acid on me if I so much as got near the science room.  I'm going
> crazy teaching golf to all of the floozies that Travolta hangs out
> with.  HELP ME PLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Fade to Usenet Oracle, holding a small box of pills.]
}
}       Does this sound like your life?  Well, if so, then you need new
} Super Oracular Downers (or, SOD, for short)!  Yes, folks, SOD will help
} you get through your hectic and crazy lives.  It's recommended by 9 out
} of 10 Oracles for fast-acting, temporary relief from the insanity of
} the real world.  Plus, SOD is coated, so it won't upset your stomach.
} And, best of all, if you act now, you can get a year's supply of SOD
} for the LOW LOW price of just $424242.42!  What an incredible Oracular
} bargain! Call us NOW at 1-800-NEED-SOD; please have VISA or MasterCard
} ready.  SOD, the only drug you'll ever need!
}
} [Fade out.]


435-06    (0895a dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> o great and wonderful oracle blah blah blah really
> cool blah blah blah dirt beneath your little toe blah
> blah <ZOT> blah blah really unworthy blah blah REALLY short
> user blah budget cuts blah blah blah blah no more dan
> quayle requests blah blah gerbils blah richard gere (cindy
> crawford) blah blah grape jell-o blah blah vat of
> margarine blah lisa blah blah blah MAJOR civil lawsuit
> blah blah loophole:
>
> everyone has questions to be answered. that's your
> job. but, EVERYONE has questions. including you. so,
> my questions is:
>
>       who answers *your* questions?
> seeking enlightenment

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jesus answers all of my questions concerning religion, because
} Jesus is WAY COOL.  He could walk on water and swim on the land.
} That's so cool!
}
} Dr. Ruth answers all of my questions concerning sex.  Although I
} like to think I'm a hep dude, sometimes I get confused.  Like,
} what do you do with a latex body bag?  Or how much IS bondage
} supposed to hurt, anyway?  She's way, waaay cool.
}
} Mr. Language Person answers all of my grammar questions, such as
} "How do I tell a supplicant to go to hell and make him happy to
} be on his way, and not commit grammatical blasphemy?"
}
} My significant other, however, answers all of the most important
} questions about me.  Questions like "does my nose hair really
} show or does it just feel that way?"  Or "Honest, honey, was I
} boring last night or was I brilliant?"  (Correct answer: "You
} were divine.")  That's so cool.
}
} Somestimes, though, I lie awake in my infiniteness, wishing there
} were other Oracles out there like me, and wondering whether or
} not, in some parallel universe, my exact double is lying about
} wondering exactly the same thing.  At times like this I bow my
} head and pray to the only true light in the Oracular universe who
} can answer my *very deepest* questions. . . .
}
} Isaac Asimov.  1920-1992.
}
} You owe the Oracle a moment of silence.


435-07    (15ca4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr./Mrs. U. SENET ORACLE,
>
> You may already be a winner!
>
> If the Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize Entry Number enclosed in this
> envelope matches the one which our computers have randomly selected,
> our next list of Super Duper Amazing Grand Prize winners may look
> like this:
>
> Catherine MacHinery
> St. Louis, Missouri
> $10,000,000 Winner!
>
> Sylvan LaCoiffure
> Kissimmee, Florida
> $5,000,000 Winner!
>
> Marjorie Rhyostat
> Phoenix, Arizona
> $5,000,000 Winner!
>
> U. SENET ORACLE
> IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU
> $10,000,000 WINNER!
>
> Ed McMahon
> Burbank, California
> $50,000,000 Spokesman!
>
> All you have to do is mail in the enclosed Super Duper Amazing Grand
> Prize Entry Form, making sure to attach the right stickers.  If you
> attach the right stickers, you will enter yourself into all of our
> valuable sweepstakes offers!  If you attach the wrong stickers, you
> will order over 75 valueless magazines, and agree to let us film
> a sitcom in your living room!
>
> You can't lose!  Unless you don't enter (not that we're trying to
> give you any ideas, here).
>
> So, the choice is yours, U. SENET ORACLE of IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU.
> We can't wait to hear from you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to my prescient visions, the following things are about to
} take place:
}
}     - The Oracle gambles a stamp and mails in His entry
}
}     - Nothing is heard from contest company for just a bit too long
}
}     - Heads of various mammals begin arriving in Ed McMahon's bed
}
}     - The company holds an emergency meeting
}
}     - The chairman declares that they should do nothing
}
}     - The chairman erupts into a screaming tower of flame
}
}     - The vice-chairman nervously awards The Oracle a special award
}
}     - Ed McMahon arrives at the Oracular Mansion with a previously
}     unidentified but very young female, and presumably a check
}
}     - Lisa observes the Oracle looking at said female, and in a fit
}     of rage burns her entire collection of rubber outfits
}
}     - The EPA files an environmental impact statement, naming the
}     Oracle and all Oracular staff as libel for all damages
}
} No, no, no; hold it right there.  Sorry, but I don't think it's worth
} it at this point.  Thanks anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a magazine subscription to the Greenpeace
} newsletter.


435-08    (046g6 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I know you answer a lot of questions, and you must have a lot of
> repeated questions.  Do you have a Frequently Asked Questions list?
> Could you send me a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: MAILER-DEMON@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Mail Delivery Subsystem)
} Reply-To: POSTMASTER@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} Subject: Mail protocol failure
} References: <9204121110.AA05454@tira.uchicago.edu>
}
} A protocol error was detected during attempted delivery of the reply
} to your recent oracular query.
}
} Probable cause:       Your site is not yet equipped for receipt of
}                       transfinite mail messages.
}
} Suggested action:     Take no action at this time. Your site MAY
}                       eventually be upgraded. Until that time
}                       delivery will be re-attempted every 28ms. This
}                       may cause slight network disruptions, power
}                       outages, and the end of civilisation as you
}                       know it, but no significant ill-effects.
}
} The first five lines of the failing message are appended.
}
}                               - Baarqoz (deputy mailer demon, iuvax)
} - FAILING MESSAGE ----------------------------------------------------
}                     Frequently Asked Questions
}                     --------------------------
}
} 1)  Is there anything more embarassing than getting your Willy frozen
}     to the windsceen-wiper of a police cruiser?


435-09    (28c82 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, Oracle, who is greater in mind than Brian Murphy is in
> stench, who is greater than an infinite amount of red Teenies, and who
> is more awesome than a woman with low standards, answer me this, my
> simple question:
>
>       Will my PC be sold and my Mac delivered soon (with little anxiety
> involved)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your PC will be sold tomorrow, to a man who seems to be nice but
} really is a MicroSoft employee. Your poor computer will then serve for
} the rest of its life in MicroSoft's slave pits, compiling "Hello
} World!" for Windows NT. And as if that weren't enough, when this
} program is run it will be discovered that the programmer managed to
} put no less than 23 bugs in it. Mercifully enough, your PC will never
} know this since it will already have died. With its last breath it
} will curse you for selling it.
}
} Your Mac will be delivered the day after tomorrow. At first you will
} be very pleased with it. After a couple of days you will find yourself
} saying things like "Look-And-Feel patents are good for you". Pretty
} soon after that you will start accusing your neighbours of stealing
} your house's look and feel. You will try to sue, failing repeatedly.
} As you are about to loose your home from having used all your money in
} court, you will happen to notice the subliminal message placed in your
} Mac by Apple in an attempt to improve their public image. Enraged and
} disillusioned by this, you wow never to touch a computer again and
} start a crusade against the filthy machines. 17 years later, you, the
} high priest of Lotekology in the USA, lie dying from the poison your
} ambitious second-in-command has slipped into your coffee.
}
} You owe the Oracle an abacus.


435-10    (349c4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there anything more embarrassing than getting your Willy frozen to
> the windscreen-wiper of a police cruiser?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No grovelling.  I'm not impressed.  We'll get to that in a minute.
}
} Hmmm, I think there is an embarrassment command on here....
}
} Oracle# man -k embarrass
} emb (1L)      - embarrass a user using a given event
} eb (1L)       - determine embarrassment index
} embuser, embuserathost (3N)   - open a ZOT-like connection for
} purposes of embarrassement
}
} Right.
}
} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper"
} 1.0
} Oracle#
}
} Hmmm.....
}
} Oracle# man eb
}
} EB(1L)              UNIX Programmer's Manual               EB(1L)
}
} NAME
}      eb - determine embarrassment index
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      eb [ event description ] [ victim ]
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      Eb is a tool to assess the degree of embarassment of a
}      particular victim to a specified event.  It is most useful
}      in combination with the command emb (1L), to assess a
}      potentially embarrassing event before dispatching it.
}      The eb command returns an index from 0.0 (no embarrassement)
}      to 1.0 (maximum embarrassment).  Since a given event will have
}      different degrees of embarrassment depending upon the victim,
}      an optional victim argument is possible.  When not provided,
}      the victim defaults to the current user.  With no arguments, the
}      command reads single-line descriptions of events from
}      standard input, and returns (to standard output) an index
}      ....
}
} Oh.  The embarrassment factor of 1.0 is for me.  I guess because the
} event is normally impossible (obviously the command doesn't take
} omnipotence into account).  Let's try that again....
}
} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a police cruiser wind-screen wiper"
} $currentsupplicant
} 0.7564323
} Oracle#
}
} Significantly less than 1.0.  So the answer to your question is yes,
} there are many things more embarrassing than "freezing your willy to
} a police cruiser wind-screen wiper".  Let's try one for fun....
}
} Oracle# eb "freezing your willy to a the wind-screen wiper of a
} police cruiser driven by a female policeman"
} $currentsupplicant
} 0.78233419
}
} Wow.  That was a simple permutation.  And there is still 0.21766581
} to go!
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason not to inflict a 0.90, and MUCH MORE
} GROVELLING next time!


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