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Internet Oracularities #436

Goto:
436, 436-01, 436-02, 436-03, 436-04, 436-05, 436-06, 436-07, 436-08, 436-09, 436-10


Usenet Oracularities #436    (26 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 92 08:29:13 -0500

@@@ Since I decided not to give two digests over the Easter weekend,
@@@ I'll put out a few in quick succession this week.  --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   436
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

436   26 votes 72a61 23b91 5e511 5a632 b7530 04985 35684 17963 3e621 37493
436   2.8 mean  2.7   3.2   2.2   2.5   2.0   3.5   3.2   3.1   2.4   3.1


436-01    (72a61 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Running down a dream....." <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most strategic, whose ability in managing armed troops makes
> Napoleon's one look like toy-soldiers playing, kindly shade your
> tactical light on this hideous problem of mine.
>
> I am a 27 years old Italian guy, I graduated in electronics engineering
> exactly one year ago, specializing in s/w engineering, and since then
> I've been both working as an information systems designer and attending
> a PhD course in AI & NeuralNetworks. This is to say that things seemed
> to go along fairly well for me....until the beginning of this year.
>
> On Jan 1st, after a most happy end-of-the-year party, my beloved girl
> left me (the reasons for this remain uncomprehensible to me), and after
> a few weeks she began dating actively with a friend of both (may this
> help to comprehend?).
>
> Two depressed weeks after the Italian Government sent me a letter  with
> a job offer I couldn't refuse, so that on Feb 5th I went to a nearby
> small town to be involved in an amazing set of interesting things: I
> had strange pyrotechnical experiences, was able to understand the real
> value of even simple things, like a well prepared meal, was allowed to
> meet people whose very existence had been unbelievable to me since
> then.
>
> All this came with just a couple of drawbacks: I was supposed to do the
> above always marching in group of forty peple named "platoons" and to
> compress my vocabulary to no more than two words: "Yessir" and "No
> Sir". Yet I supposed that if the Allmighty, whose Universenet arm you
> are, had meant for me to be a soldier, I would then be borne with a
> green baggy skin, so I'm upset a bit and think to dive into atheism.
>
> Now I spend my days in a dirty barrack, washing 976 dishes plus extras
> any three days, serving as a janitor or a sentinel on weekends, and all
> this is supposed to last twelve months, until Feb 3rd, 1993.
>
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>  A L L      T H I S      C O N S I D E R E D
>
> Please, please, great Oracle,
>
> ... would You tell me what black spirit I have offended, to deserve
>     this revenge.
>
> ... would You please reconsider the choice You AllKnowing made about my
>     destiny, education, ability, etc., and offer my an opportunity as
>     an hotdog street seller in a VERY pacific and disarmed country.
>
> ... would you uncover the secret about the IQ-threshold level the Army
>     uses in selecting its officers: do they really accept only negative
>     values?
>
>                                       Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are forces in this universe that are incomprehensibe to many
} humans. The only reason why you have had all this misfortune begin to
} happen to you at the beginning of the year is only to maintain
} universal equilibrium. You see,  this is the year of Lisa and I's
} golden millenium.  So,  my gift to her was a year-long orgasm.  Due to
} the extreme bliss she will be experiencing for the remainder of the
} year,  someone must suffer in order to maintain equilibruim in the
} universe.  Due to the mathematics of chaos, you were the inevitable
} target for misfortune.  Chaotic math is not so chaotic after all.
} Although it seems like you were randomly targeted for this seemingly
} unfair treatment,  you were the only suitable victim according to my
} equations.  I could have chosen someone more appropriate,  like Dan
} Quayle, but then I would violate the laws of the universe and
} everything would immediately distintegrate,  including myself.  So,
} hopefully this is an adequate explanation for your plight.  It was
} either you or me,  and since I am infinitely more powerful than you,
} you lose.  At least I didn't <ZOT> you or something boring like that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a artificially-flavored cow tongue sandwich painted
} in the colors of the Mexican Flag topped with whiskey.  ( Sorry,
} according to my equations it is the only payment that will maintain
} equilibrium. )


436-02    (23b91 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Running down a dream....." <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is why I try not to <Z0T> people anymore.  After a while
} we get to the point where supplicants are so terrified of the
} Oracle that they can no longer express themselves.  This poor
} soul cannot even bring himself to speak.
}
} Calm down, and don't worry.  Being as I am, of course, Me, I
} am aware of what your question was.  Everything will be all
} right.
}
} Yes, it is cancerous.  I would have it removed at once.  Also,
} even though you decided not to ask me, the other answer is
} yes, she is.  While wearing your raincoat, I might add.  Most
} amusing.


436-03    (5e511 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, who could chop down the tallest tree in the forest
> with a herring in no time flat... please do me the honor of
> answering this question which has plagued the country for
> generations and generations!
>
> Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question.  To answer this question there are several
} things that I must know relavent to the situation that you are
} adressing at the specific time of the request (I've been snoozing):
}       1.      What type of gum?
}       2.      Who's bedpost?
}       3.      What type of bed?
}       4.      Where you doing the nasty while in this bed?
}       If item #4 is yes then the answers is simple, your gum will
} not lose it's flavor because you placed it there prior to doing
} the horizontal bop and thereby sealed the flavor in it.  The point
} of how much flavor left is entirly another point, but it matters little
} because if you did the nasty right you will look like a glazed donut
} from head to toe so when you take the gum off the bedpost it will
} remind you of your partner.
} Else wise, if not doing the wild thing your gum will take on the
} taste of whatever it was sitting on.  The reason for this is that the
} chewing gum of your planet is used as flavor tranposer in all other
} pars of the galaxy,(kind of like the copy command in LOTUS 1-2-3 tm)
} therefore you must be careful where you place your gum so that it
} only transposes the flavors you like.
}       Some suggestions that I have are:
}               1. A womans riding saddle
}               2. The seat of an expensive Italian sports car
}               3. The cup of any bikini top which could hold a large
}                  water melon
} You get the idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle Twenty cases of Sugar free HubbaBubba and one
} bra size 32ZZZ.


436-04    (5a632 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Does anyone really find gingham attractive or is it a fabric
> strictly reserved for tablecloths and the like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gingham was once a preferred costume of dogs (corresponding
} to the calico of cats, of course), until one extremely
} clever dog read the end of the poem.
}
} Since then, dogs have tended to avoid gingham.  It is
} therefore used to make tablecloths for outdoor restaurants
} in an attempt to keep stray dogs from stealing the food.
} This doesn't always work, of course, since stray dogs do
} tend to be the less literary types.
}
} Many people do find gingham highly attractive, but do not
} wear it lest they be mistaken for a table or, worse yet,
} shunned by dogs.
}
} You owe the oracle a gingham collar for her calico cat.


436-05    (b7530 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No!  Why do you ask?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY MOTIVES!  WHY I OUGHT TO...
}
} Wait a minute...
}
} Damn this NSFNet T3!  I seem to have received your mail intended for
} someone else.  I apologize, and suggest you specify a recipient next
} time you forge mail!
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, as you did not request anything.


436-06    (04985 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Care for a cup of coffee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly!  Thanks, supplicant!
}
} <The Oracle sips from the proffered cup.  A look of surprised
} satisfaction crosses his face.>  Hey, this isn't bad at all....
} <Oracle swallows remainder of cup.  Suddenly, the Oracles eyebrows rise
} and start to smoke as Mt. Vesuvius erupts once again to bury the
} populations of three cities under molten rock! The Soviet Union rebands
} and, united with Red China and the Philipines, conducts a massive
} offensive that gains them some prime land in Sasketchewan!  A power
} surge from the Consolidated Edison of Spain company blows every
} computer circuit in the Olympic complex in Barcelona!  The Oracle's
} face turns a deep shade of red as Chicago is covered in water,
} California falls into the Pacific, and Moammar Qadafi joins the
} Salvation Army.>
}
} JEEEEEEZ!!!  Next time, better make it decaf!


436-07    (35684 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who sees all, knows all, and tells nothing except to Lisa,
> please answer my humble question:
>
> If they put Charles Manson in the same jail cell as Jeffery Dahmer,
> do you think Jeffery would find Mr. Manson to be up to his taste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually, I hear tell that Mr. Dahmer only eats kosher meals, so I
} suppose it would depend on how he killed him. The big question really
} is what kind of wine he would serve with him. Generally, red wine goes
} extremely well with psychotic madmen, while white wine seems to go
} better with common muggers. And never serve a chablis with a rapist:
} it's so bourgoisie. Politicians, on the other hand, are best served
} cold, prefereably marinated in Night Train. Now, for your garden
} variety convicted felon, I recommend a claret --
}
}      RIGHT! THAT'S IT! STOP THE ORACULARITY!!
}      [A man clad in a British army colonel's uniform instantly appears
} next to the Oracle, who turns away from His terminal.]
}
}      "Eh?"
}
}      "Look, I'm sorry mate, but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to
} stop."
}
}      "What for!?"
}
}      "Oh, come off it!! You know what for! It's all this nonsense about
} cannibalism!"
}
}      "What about it?"
}
}      "It's too silly!! We started off with a nice little question about
} sharing a prison cell, but now it's got silly!!"
}
}      "Say, aren't you Graham Chapman?"
}
}      "Shut up! I'll ask the questions here! Now I insist that you stop
} this Oracularity immediately!"
}
}      "You are Graham Chapman."
}
}      "Stop trying to change the subject...!"
}
}      "All right, fess up: Kinzler put you up to this, didn't he!"
}
}      "Now look, mate: are you going to stop this Oracularity or am I
} going to have to get rough?!"
}
}      "Just you try it pal. Now come clean: Kinzler sent you, didn't
} he?"
}
}      [Before the Colonel can answer, another figure appears and smiles
} wryly at the Oracle.]
}
}      "No, my dear Oracle, he sent me. Allow me to introduce myself: my
} name is Hannibal Lecter. Perhaps you'd like to hear my opinion on what
} kind of wine goes best with deities?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend together in a jail cell... in a white wine
} sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
}
} [Incarnated as Bill Paul <PAUL@HARTFORD.BITNET>


436-08    (17963 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Running down a dream....." <CLHP19@vaxa.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Why Do time zones exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The idea of time zones was developed primarily as an economic
} necessity. Imagine if there were no time zones...all the stock markets
} would trade in a messy uncoordinated way.  With time zones, an economic
} crash in Tokyo can gracefully propogate around the world in a calm
} orderly fashion causing the death by suicide of stockbrokers, market
} analysts and yuppies.  What could be better than that ?
}
} Another bonus time zones give us is the ability to joke about getting
} on a plane then arriving at our destination BEFORE WE LEFT !  Isn't
} local time vs global time a perfect way to piss off your relatives on
} the other side of the International Date Line.
}
} In case you're wondering, all those little Pacific Islands that the
} Date Line has to dodge around have one thing in common: no Stock
} Market.  Go figure.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plan to metricize time.


436-09    (3e621 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How would Roman Civil Law differ if the European-based
> peoples had originated in the Americas and the peoples
> who originated in the Americas had been from Europe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, that's an interesting one! Haven't had an interesting one for
} ages! And I do mean *ages*! Since your query is both intriguing and
} stimulating, I suppose I'll forego the usual non-grovelling supplicant
} reply (consisting, of course, of a 3000-ampere current surge through
} your very own keyboard, free of charge.) Now, let me see...
}
} ORACLE> PARUNV
}
} Parallel Universes Version 3.1 now running.
} (C) 0000000 Heaven Inc.
}
} Please wait...
}
} (yawn)
}
} UNIVERSE> connect chris.sailed.east.to.go.west
}
} UNIVERSE> ftp uunet.uu.net
} Connected...
}
} Login:  ORACLE
} Password:
}
} Oracle rerouted to CourteousNode.
}
} How may we, Your humble servants, please Thee?> truncate prompt
} Please?> find/eastcontinent/bootpeninsula/civilgov/law/gen
} Searching...
}
} (Now that's service.)
}
} Done.
} Please?> regurg/brf
}
} All records of pre-Columbian civilization in the requested area were
} destroyed forever when the peninsula was"discovered" and "settled" by
} soldiers from the two western continents in the late 1700's.
}
} Subsequent^C
}
} Please?> lo
} Thank you for patronizing our lowly node. Connection closed by foreign
} host.
}
} UNIVERSE> q
}
} You owe the Oracle an eagle feather and a home video of "Dances with
} Wolves."


436-10    (37493 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Orrie baby! Me and Ernesto got some
> hot babes booked for Friday night! Care
> to join us for some friendly hot tubbing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well guys I'm free. Let's make it one for each of you and all the rest
} for me.
}
} Lisa : Orrie! How could you! You promised you weren't going to
} philander any more.
}
} O : Hey Lisa, you misunderstood me. When the Supplicant was talking
} about 'hot babes' he didn't mean girls, he meant uh, what was it again?
} Yes that's right he meant his big new watermelons. You see 'hot babes'
} is Slobovian for watermelons.
}
} L : So can I come along as well?
}
} O : Well there's only enough for the three of us ...
}
} L : I knew you were lying!
}
} <email message suddenly arrives>
}
} To: Lisa@Delphi
} From: Hera@Mt.Olympus
}
} Lisa
}    Zeus is going to be out on Friday night. How about coming over here
}    and sharing Apollo with me. I've been just dying (figuratively
}    speaking, after all I am immortal) to get my hands on him.
}
} < End of message >
}
} O : So you've been seeing Apollo have you!
}
} L : We're just friends. Hera and I are going play cards with him.
}
} O : Can I come along.
}
} L : But you're going to out with the Supplicant.
}
} O : That's right. Well let's see ....
}
} L : I have an idea! I'll go with Hera and Apollo, and you can go the
} Supplicant is that a deal?
}
} O : Agreed.
}
} < Lisa leaves >
}
} O : Whew! That was a close call. I'll meet you on Friday night, and you
} owe the Oracle some watermelons, and a mountain with a view of Mt
} Olympus.


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