[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 9:30:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #437

Goto:
437, 437-01, 437-02, 437-03, 437-04, 437-05, 437-06, 437-07, 437-08, 437-09, 437-10


Usenet Oracularities #437    (32 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 21 Apr 92 09:29:50 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   437
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

437   32 votes 08e82 375a7 29894 19ba1 03f86 3b4c2 29a56 137ba 5e832 49b35
437   3.1 mean  3.1   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.5   3.0   3.1   3.8   2.5   2.9


437-01    (08e82 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Christopher Pettus" <christopher_pettus@qm.taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I know you answer a lot of questions, and you must have a lot of
> repeated questions.  Do you have a Frequently Asked Questions list?
> Could you send me a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... you must be the mortal who just asked the question "why are
} all women out to mess up men's lives?"  Good thing you realized that
} it's better to get the FAQ than waste the Oracle's time.  Here's the
} FAQ list (without answers.)  If you feel that one or more of the
} questions below describe(s) your feelings, you can get the answer from
} oracle.mystic.uncom using anonymous ftp.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Usenet Oracle Frequently Asked Questions List
} Sun Apr 12 20:47:29 1992
}
} Notations Used in the Answers (READ THIS SECTION FIRST!)
}
} 1. What does ZOT mean?
} 2. What does ^H mean?
} 3. What do @!@#$@#$ and the likes mean?
}
} How to Address the Oracle
}
} 3. What is groveling?
} 5. What is flaming?
} 6. Why is groveling unnecessary?
} 7. Why did I get flamed by the priests for complaining about the lack
} of groveling?
} 8. Why did I get flamed when I didn't grovel?
} 9. What is the best way to grovel?
}
} The Ten Most Frequently Asked Questions to the Usenet Oracle
}
} 10. Why are [men, women, or any other group with a predefined sexual
} orientation] out to mess up lives of [the group with the opposing
} sexual orientation] miserable?  (18 %)
} 11. When will I have a [girl/boy/etc]friend?  (12 %)
} 12. What is the meaning of life? (6 %)
} 13. What is the answer to [insert centuries old dilemma here]? (6 %)
} 14. Why are there [insert group of ethnic/cultural/sexual orientation
} of choice]s around? (3 %)
} 15. Why is it so hard to understand [insert scientific subject here]?
} (2 %)
} 16. Why does [insert name of relative] sleep with [insert name of
} spouse]? (% 1)
} 17. Why does [insert name of spouse] pay more attention to his/her
} [insert hobby] than to me? (% 1)
} 18. Why are there so many [expletive deleted]s around? (% 1)
} 19. What the [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive
} deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]?  (% 1)
}
} The Ten Least Frequently Asked Questions to the Usenet Oracle
}
} 20. What did Clyde Fonsteransky do on new years eve? (94 times)
} 21. What were your choice for desert last time you ate at Al's? (49
} times)
} 22. What did you think of my dress? (48 times)
} 23. Will you come to my [birthday/anniversary/graduation etc]? (32
} times)
} 24. How can I become succesful accountant? (25 times)
} 25. Where is the ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H  What are you ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H Will
} you ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H I have no question -- sorry to waste your time.
} (20 times)
} 26. What time is it? (12 times)
} 27. Where are the snows of yesteryear? (5 times)
} 28. Where will you go for breakfast? (2 times)
} 29. Is there a FAQ for the Usenet Oracle? (only once.)
}
} For more info, look at /pub/oracle/FAQ/bogus, /pub/oracle/LFAQ,
} /pub/oracle/dev/null on oracle.mystic.uncom.


437-02    (375a7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and wise Oracle, whose oderiferous emminations I only
> dream of inhaling deeply from, Great One who's immense prperties
> of logical thought could bring the great einstein to his knees;
> Of whom the Earth and all of it's minor inhabitants are but spec in
> the ever changing universe of your mind, please anwer me this question:
>
> Why are the toilet paper holders in the men's room so tight that
> the mighty Hercules himself could not tear of even one single
> whole sheet of paper for the use it was intended ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O mighty Hercules!  Thou prince of men,
} Who wrestled e'en with dogs of Hell,
} You stand glorious o'er the world alone,
} Arms glistening, Yea! glowing with strength.
}
} Is it to come to this, at last?
} Brought so low, defeated so eas'ly,
} By art of men, the tissue dispens'd
} Alone on the pot, the mighty one weeps.
}
} How then will thee wipe, O brave of the bravest?
} He looks desp'rately for anything soft,
} But nothing appears, no cleanliness to him,
} Nothing will help poor Hercules' rump.
}
} Yea, yon holder of paper, thou bastion of evil!
} You exist yet today, with strength undiminished!
} Whence comest thou, bane of the mighty,
} Spawn of Hades, Jupiter's whim?
}
} See, O Supplicant, worthy one, skilled
} The problem is older than ev'n thou knowest,
} Advice to thee, mortal: when moving thy bowels,
} Use a sharp blade, a knife of good steel.
}
} O Modern age, scissors, steel unstain'd
} Can we vanquish e'en dispensers from Hell?
} Mortal, ye've asked, the Oracle has spoken,
} You now owe the Oracle a new roll - and FAST.


437-03    (29894 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most bodacious, totally rad and gnarly at once;
> major dude, like, tell me this, would ja?
>
> I'm green and I have a shell stuck to my back.
> What should I do, dude, Oracle like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, dude, like, listen very carefully:
}
} 1)  Go get one of yer totally awesome buddies (Leonardo would do well)
} 2)  Go to a hot sunny place, like, without any shade, dude.
} 3)  Get your radical pal to flip you like onto your back.
} 4)  Tell your gnarly friend he's a total dweeb-a-zoid and you hope you
}     like never see him or his canteen again.  Watch him leave.
} 5)  Make a like totally futile effort to get to your feet and die
}     kicking and squirming in the hot sun, leaving a shrivelled, brown,
}     crispy dry carcass in the desert dust.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better slogan than "Internet: where today's mutant
} ninja turtles are tomorrow's vulture shit."


437-04    (19ba1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows more than the sum knowledge in all help
> manuals, who is far more helpful than all the Post Office workers
> combined (and faster, to boot), please answer this humble request:
>
> Why is it that when somebody posts an "I have a neat collection of
> x-and-such, mail me and I'll send you a copy" message, some clueless
> dolt *posts* a "I want a copy" article? And what can we do about them?
>
> Your advice and expertise is greatly appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Faster than all the Post Office workers combined? Hmm, that can't be
} too fast, this sound suspiciously like a grovel with an underlying
} insult....
}
} No, no <ZOT>-ing over grovels anymore, Lisa has kindly reminded me
} of this one clever sentence in a rather unbelievable book: "Do not
} unto thy neigbour what.. ehh...what...." oh well, you probably know the
} rest of that line anyway.
}
} {
} .Lisa?
} *Yes Orrie?*
} .Lisa, would you do me a favor and ... no, I didn't mean _that_,
} ehh,.....
}
} -- some time later, Oracle a little more content and Lisa singing in
}    the shower --
}
} .Ehh, Lisa?
} *Yes Orrie? Do you want to try a recursive cycle?
} .Well, ehh, yes, eehh, no, not now, I can't keep this humble supplicant
}  waiting much longer. I wanted to ask you to find that quote I was
}  talking about, y'know, the one from that old book with those many
}  rules in it, and that one quote you wrote on my <ZOT>ter...
} *(a little disappointed) Sure. Wanna try the recursive thing after this
}  question? (big smile)
} }
}
} Hmm, where was I? Oh yes, the x-and-such lists requests. Now since
} you are familiar with the Usenet, you _must_ know that there are and
} always will be clueless dolts, no matter how hard you try to
} avoid them. There are several solutions:
}
} - suggest this unknowing fool to send a very nasty message to me,
}   chances are Lisa will let me <ZOT> a person for being insulting.
}   ( *whispering* Even better, let that person insult Lisa, she will
}     probably insist to <ZOT> him slowly )
}
} - start a "me-too" thread in his name, causing the whole group to
}   flame him
}
} - send him lots and lots of x-and-such lists, causing his account to
}   cause stack overflow errors
}
} {*Orrie, you _are_ being nice to him, aren't you? }
}
} - Ehm, but ofcourse the best solution is to kindly remind the person
}   that posting is not the same as mailing, and point at the 'mail me'
}   in the original posting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a _mailed_ list of the blondes jokes, all the FAQ's,
} the lawyer jokes list, the elephant jokes list, the practical jokes
} list, the list of........


437-05    (03f86 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh may THE BIG B. bless my unworthy fingers typing
> on the unbelieveble concrete Contactfacility with which
> I dare to disturb the silence which is around you're
> Spheres up,up, where no man has thought before ...
>
> Is there any life after the death (of my pet hansi,the parrot)?
> I beg a 1000pardons,but not my personal selfishnes is the
> matter of this question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Congratulations!  Your incomprehensible grovelling has defeated the
} AI routines that answer 99.45% of the questions asked of Me.  Which
} means that your question is receiving my personal attention.  Lucky
} you, eh?  I am particularly impressed that you were able to be both
} obsequious and nonsensical -- a few more years of practice and you
} might make it into the big leagues; say, White House Press Secretary.
}
} In answer to your question, "Is there any life after the death of
} your pet parrot?" the answer is clearly, "Yes."  You, several billion
} other mortals, and a few trillion other life-forms scattered around
} the galaxy are still alive and well.  And even if all the life forms
} in the universe, grief stricken by the death of Hansi, had actually
} offed themselves, lofty beings such as Myself, Lisa, and the other
} deities would still be around.  It would be a lot quieter, though.
}
} "Er, Orrie..."
}
} "Yes, my dearest?"
}
} "I think he means `Is there an afterlife, to which his Parrot has
} flown...'"
}
} "Well, if he did mean that, then he should have said so!  It's not
} my fault if he doesn't ask a clear question.  Everyone knows the
} rules.  It's right here in my contract..."
}
} "Orrie... Being pedantic is not a turn-on, you know..."
}
} "Ah... Er, well... Well, given that it was a decent grovel, I suppose
} I can make an exception in this case..."
}
} Alright, mortal, listen up.  I'll give you the straight goods on the
} condition that you never breathe a word about my bending of the rules.
} One phoneme and you are Zot-jam, got it?
}
} There is, in fact, an afterlife for birds.  It is a wonderful place,
} full of nice trees to perch on, and plenty of statues, cars and bald
} headed people to desecrate.  The newspapers are changed daily and
} always interesting to read, as they contain scurrilous anti-cat
} propaganda.  There is also a regular bus route between Bird Heaven
} and Cat Hell, where its always 'payback time.'
}
} As to whether there is an afterlife for people, well, you'll know
} soon enough.  heh heh heh...
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of chocolate-covered crackers.
}
} Omnisciently,
} The Oracle
}
} PS: The answer to your followup question is `Wait and see.'


437-06    (3b4c2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, who is smarter than the average bear, whose
> pronouncements are even wiser than those of Deep Thought, whose
> underwear I am not even worthy to wash, please tell me: Is there a
> Starfleet regulation that requires women with impressive cleavages
> to wear low-cut dresses? Why dosen't Counselor Troi in Star Trek :
> The Next Generation wear a Starfleet uniform?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An excellent question, mortal!
}
} Counselor Troi does not wear a Starfleet uniform because she is
} actually a Romulan spy sent to subvert the crew of the enterprise by
} distracting them with her mammaries at key moments in the plot. But
} there's no need to fear for our heros of the Next Generation. If Wesley
} doesn't trip and stumble into Troi, pushing her into the warp drive,
} then Q will surely flip-flop her sex and she'll look really funny in
} those dresses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Romulan wine and a TNG script where
} Picard actually beams down to the planet himself instead of sending his
} flunky Rikker.


437-07    (29a56 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ask of your wisdom, great Oracle,
> A question on matters historical:
> Was Marie quite half-baked
> Saying, "Let them eat cake,"
> Or was she just being rhetorical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Student most curious and brief,
} Marie was, of course, just a thief!
}   The people of France,
}   Had never a chance,
} With Louis or Marie as a chief.
}
} For rather than speaking rhetorically,
} This lady was scoffing, metaphorically.
}   Marie was the Queen;
}   The peasants unseen,
} Deserved less than nothing, categorically.
}
} Through the land revolution did spread;
} And Marie, for her part, had fled.
}   With her neck in the stock,
}   The crowds, they did flock,
} To see her part shoulders from head.
}
} As payment for answer in rhyme,
} Great Oracle demands ten cents -- one dime,
}   Two deeds of great strength,
}   A dissertation of some length,
} And an end to your sordid life of crime.


437-08    (137ba dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh holy Oracle, wisdom and knowledge of the universe, keeper of the
> secret of the frozen rainbows, keeper of the seven keys, owner of the
> one and only answer to all questions,
>
> please let me know the answer of my following question:
>
> some friends and me are playing AD&D roleplaying games. there i am
> actually the dungeon master (the one who creates the monsters & world).
> now the question: what other classes than thiefs, warriors, mages,
> clerics, druids, paladins, rangers, illusionists, bards and knights
> exist? (please describe them as best as you can)
>
> thank you very much for listening to a simple wanderer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               Greetings, oh most mortal supplicant.  Here now are
}       some of the other AD&D classes you so wonderfully groveled of
}       me.
}
}               First, there's the mathematician.  This class includes
}       all sets which do not contain themselves as an element.  Math-
}       ematicians are very useful if your party comes across a dungeon
}       which does not have a door leading to itself within itself.
}
}               Next, there's the biology class.  The biology class
}       tends to put most intelligent creatures to sleep, usually with
}       dreamy looks on their faces as they think of other places they'd
}       really rather be.
}
}               And finally, there's the bourgeois class.  Somewhat like
}       cavaliers, these characters usually just go in and buy out the
}       dungeon.  Some Marxist D&D players claim that the bourgeois class
}       actually send the proletariat class into the dungeon first to do
}       the dirty work then take all the credit, but recent geopolitical
}       events have disproved this theory.
}
}               You owe the Oracle a copy of every GURPS accesory pack
}       ever released.


437-09    (5e832 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Calistrapi?  Who is Calistrapi, and why is she menacing me with a
> canine bauble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? No groveling?  I'll see you in hell!
}
} I shall amuse you anyway.
}
} Calistrapi is an Italian chick.  She's a pretty tough customer.
} Didn't you see ...
}
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold's Revenge"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold doesn't know when to quit"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold is a bloody pulp"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: She ain't been touched yet"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: Arnold gets killed"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Terminator: She wants shot at title"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Oracle: She's been warned"
} "Calistrapi vs. the Oracle: Oracle thumps her in title bout"
}
} This quality epic depicts the rise and fall of Calistrapi who is master
} of the canine bauble.  One can get a good feel for her life and times.
} Also...
}
} "Extra!Extra!  See Calistrapi`s canine bauble on display at the
}  Oracle's trophy museum."


437-10    (49b35 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh plucker of the cosmic superstrings, oh mixer of the ambrosia
> (shaken, not stirred) of the gods, oh one whose feet are dripping
> with the saliva of unworthy admirers, pray tell,
>
> What should I do? There is a bullet 0.01 picometres from my skull
> move quickly towards my brain and I think ....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <blows grey wisps from muzzle of smoking six-shooter>
}
} Another geek bites the dust . . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."
} Or, rather, you would if I hadn't already shot you and taken it myself.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org