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Internet Oracularities #438

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Usenet Oracularities #438    (27 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 07:25:26 -0500

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   438
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

438   27 votes 86922 8a621 47745 26c61 06d44 36972 03h34 13bb1 0ba42 04968
438   3.0 mean  2.4   2.2   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.0   3.3   3.3   2.9   3.7


438-01    (86922 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm infatuated by a species of frog.  Can you tell me more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (The Oracle, dressed up as the Easter Bunny, jumps into the scene.)
}
} Supplicant: I am...
}
} (Oracle: boink, boink, boink)
}
} S.: infatuated by...
}
} (Oracle: boink, boink, boink)
}
} S.: a species of...
}
} (Oracle: boink, boink, boink)
}
} S.: frog.
}
} (Oracle: BBOOIINNKK!!)
}
} S.: Can you tell...
}
} (Oracle: boink, boink, boink.)
}
} S.: me more?
}     HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU! COULD YOU KINDLY STOP JUMPING UP AND DOWN
}     FOR AT LEAST A MOMENT?!!
}
} Oracle: Be glad, that it ain't the easter bunny! Otherwise your frogs
}     would lay eggs and paint them!
}
} S.: HEY! YOU! I ASKED A SERIOUS QUESTION CONCERNING THE FAUNA OF OUR
}     COUNTRY! AND ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION! AND MY PERSONAL STATE OF
}     MENTAL HEALTH! AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME THAT AS AN ANSWER?
}
} (Oracle: boink, boink, boink.)
}
} (Supplicant falls into hysterical laughter...)
}
} (Oracle and Supplicant: boink, boink, boink. -
} Together they jump away into the sunset.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the book "Origin of the Species" by Charles Darwin.
} And something against the aching in his legs.


438-02    (8a621 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I wear brown paisley wraparound skirts and gold fuzzy socks to a
> job interview?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you are female.
}
} You owe the oracle a Frederick's of Hollywood catalog.


438-03    (47745 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh DARKWING DUCK!
>
> } You owe the oracle a copy of the _Bourne Identity_.
>
> After I've make such quest, where do I send it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                  Alice Goes to Indiana
}
}                  A Darkwing Duck Story
}                    by Robert Ludlum
}
} One fine spring day, Darkwing Duck went to see his friend
} Alice.  When Darkwing Duck arrived at Alice's house, he
} found Alice crying.
}
} "What's the matter, Alice?" asked Darkwing Duck.
}
} "Oh Darkwing Duck, I don't know what to do," wept Alice.
} "I must give this book to the Oracle, but I don't know
} how!"
}
} "There there, Alice," said Darkwing Duck.  "Let's go see
} Owl.  Owl is very wise.  He will know how to find this
} Oracle."
}
} So Darkwing Duck and Alice went to see Owl, who lived in
} the forest.  When they got to Owl's house, Owl was very
} busy.  It always seemed as if Owl was working on some sort
} of important project.
}
} "The Oracle?!" gasped Owl when Alice and Darkwing Duck
} told him their problem.  "No one ever sees the Oracle!
} You can send the Oracle a message, but no one's actually
} SEEN the famous Oracle!"
}
} "Oh please Mr. Owl," pleaded Darkwing Duck.  "The Oracle
} asked Alice for this book, so it must be very important.
} Can't you please tell us where to find the Oracle?"
}
} "Oh all right," sighed Owl.  He scribbled an address on
} a piece of paper and gave it to Alice and Darkwing Duck.
} Darkwing Duck and Alice thanked Owl and left.
}
} So Alice and Darkwing Duck began the long journey from
} Alice's home in New Zealand to the place Owl had written
} on the paper, a place called Indiana.  They had to take
} trains, planes, boats and cars.
}
} Finally Darkwing Duck and Alice arrived at a big school
} in Indiana.  Alice was very anxious to finally meet the
} Oracle.  Alice reached up to ring the Oracle's doorbell.
}
} "Hold it right there, Alice!"
}
} Darkwing Duck was pointing a pistol at Alice.  He fired.
} Alice, mortally wounded, fell to her knees.  "But Dark-
} wing Duck," Alice managed, "why?  Why?"
}
} Darkwing Duck slowly removed his duck mask.  Alice was
} shocked.  "Are...you..."
}
} "Yes, Alice, I am the Oracle."  Another shot put Alice
} on the floor, still breathing.  "I'm sorry to have put
} you through all this, but it's the only way you'll
} learn."
}
} Alice stopped breathing, but not before hearing the
} Oracle's final words to her:
}
} "Never include your .signature in a question to the
} Oracle.  It'll never make it into the Oracularites
} Digest if you do."
}
} The End.
}
} Be sure to read the other books in the Darkwing Duck
} series, including "Steve goes to Spain."
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Make Way for
} Ducklings."  Be sure to deliver it in person.


438-04    (26c61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why are people such prudes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Honestly, Professor Harbrace--you didn't suggest the nude hot-tubbing
} at your seminar dinner *again* this year?


438-05    (06d44 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,  will you please give me a tutorial on grovelling so that I
> may serve you better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!  A supplicant who is truly interested in the fine art of
} groveling! I knew there had to be some mortals with some sense.
}
} Very well then:
}
} *** A TUTORIAL ON THE ART OF GROVELING AND DEBASEMENT ***
}            OracleWare, version 2435.8
}
} Groveling to the mighty Oracle is something that every mortal should be
} proficient at in order to have a full life.  There are several reasons
} for this.
}
} 1) It can't hurt to build the Oracuar ego, in case you ever wind up
} working for him.
}
} 2) The Oracle is more likely to give you a favorable answer if you lick
} the Oracular boots a bit.
}
} 3) You're much less likely to get a <ZOT> in the butt.
}
} 4) Lisa likes it because it keeps the Oracle in a good mood.
}
} With that in mind, be aware of the finer points of groveling.
}
} DO: use superlative adjectives.
}
} DON'T: use any of the following words:
} Monstrous      Obese       Flatulating     Suffocating     Anal
} Imbecilic      Filthy      Lice-ridden     Fecal           Moldy
} Maggot-like    Slurping    Infuriating     Sulphuric       Toad-colored
} Non-degradable Flabby      Worm-eaten      Scuzzy          Fathead
}
} Avoid the following phrases AT ALL COST!
}   Smelling of Limburger
}   With drooping cellulite
}   Moronically speaking
}   Squishy as Dan Quayle's head
}   Sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot (or "like David Duke")
}   Lover of Barry Manilow
}   Licker of rhinocerous sweat
}
} etc.  Keep in mind that *any* of the above phrases is quite appropriate
} when the supplicant is referring to him/her self.
}
} DO stroke the Oracular ego thoroughly.
}
} DON'T hit on Lisa.  This has been known to cause severe bodily damage
} to the offender.  However, making reference to Lisa's sexual prowess or
} involvement with any kind of strange food item is permitted.  The
} Oracle always likes new ideas.
}
} DO ask your question as briefly as possible.  Save the main part of
} your entry for lots of groveling.
}
} DON'T use nonsense words in place of a grovel.  The Oracle has been
} known to get a little peeved at the use of such words as "blah,"
} "etc.," "crap," and so on.
}
} Should you follow the guidelines above, you will have a successful
} Oracular liason and many happy returns!
}
} *Copyright Oracular Press, 1346
}
} You owe the Oracle some spectacular groveling and an update on the
} copyright.


438-06    (36972 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, who's omnipresent power to sway Nealson Ratings baffels
> the creators of such crud as Married With Children and The NBC NIghtly
> News, Please Answer My Humble Question.
>
> It is said that in the holy land, three of the five varieties of locus
> there are Kosher.  This is not widely known, and I have not been able
> to research this with my mortal means.  So all knowing Oracle, what are
> the varieties, and how does one differentiate between them?
>
> Are they only Kosher when cured with salt?
>
> Signed---
>
>   A curious Oraclairion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kosher loci? Errr, those would be the Circle, Ellipse, Parabola,
} Hyperbola, and Bezier. Note that B-splines and Hermitians are
} definitely not Kosher, even with salt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spelling checker.


438-07    (03h34 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh groont and fargling Oracle, whose grommets never grapple, help me
> please with my problem:
>
> I decided a while back that I wanted to become a Computer Programmer.
> Since that time I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of that goal,
> but I am still unable to get a job. I have tried everything as detailed
> below, what am I doing wrong?
>
>  1) I sent away to that nice ICS program for Computer Programming that
>     I found on the back of a matchbook. It seemed to be a good program
>     and I learned everything about BASIC, even how to sort files!
>
>  2) My vision is 20/20, so I started scanning large hexadecimal dumps
>     for JSRs, with my nose 3" from the screen in the hope that I
>     can get an optometrist to give me a thick lensed prescription.
>
>  3) I stopped dating girls, and replaced that activity with reading
>     alt.sex and viewing gifs from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.
>
>  4) I started staying home on Friday nights to watch Dr. Who, but
>     I keep falling asleep during it. (Did you ever wonder why so
>     many of the alien landscapes look like an old quarry or like
>     English countryside?)
>
>  5) I started taking showers only once a week, splashing Old Spice (tm)
>     under my armpits to cover up the BO.
>
>  6) I started hanging out in cafeterias waiting for anybody near me
>     wearing a tie to mention the word "computer" or "DOS". As soon as
>     they do, I approach them and start telling them all about the
>     RS-232C breakout I built myself and invite them over to my home to
>     see the handiwork. They always seem to be busy though. Maybe I
>     should carry it with me?
>
>  7) I bought some of those pocket protectors, but I didn't have any
>     shirt pockets to use them in, so I bought a bunch of short-sleeved
>     button up shirts from Bargain Harolds to go along with them. I have
>     an assortment of 0.5mm mechanical pencils and highlighter pens (for
>     marking code), that I use to fill the pocket.
>
>  8) I started calling up local BBSes and getting in huge arguments with
>     other users about the difference between "baud" and "BPS".
>
>  9) I plastered the rear window of my Dodge Omni with Apple logo
>     stickers, in the hopes that some executive will see this and offer
>     me a job.
>
> 10) I spend many of my evenings drinking Jolt (tm) until 5AM, posting
>     obscene messages on the local Dial-Your-Match (tm) BBS.
>
> Please help me Oracle, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up
> before I turn into an Electrical Engineer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, I'm the Oracle.  I already *know* why so many of the alien
} landscapes look like an old quarry.
}
} This is indeed a tricky situation.  While it appears that you have done
} everything correctly, there is one thing that you have overlooked:  YOU
} DON'T NEED POOR VISION TO WEAR HUGE, THICK LENSES!!!  That's right.
} Why wait until your eyes are shot?  Get a pair NOW and the vision will
} deteriorate much more quickly.
}
} Also, it is acceptable to bath more than once per week.  It is NOT
} acceptable to pretend you understand the problem when someone complains
} about BO, however.
}
} Do these things (and write code that resembles your grovel) and you'll
} have it made.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your most recent obscene message.  (And
} remember...if you have a pocket protector, you don't need a condom.
} Send me your extras.)


438-08    (13bb1 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise, Mighty, and Most Federated Oracle, please help me.
>
> The last thing I remember was watching the 24-hour Star Trek marathon
> on Channel 18, and I think I fell asleep.  Now I am standing on an
> alien planet, I am wearing this funny red shirt, and there is a large
> drooling monster with many teeth bearing down on me at high speed.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all depends on what kind of redshirt you're wearing.
}
} (1) If it doesn't have rank insignia on the collar, but a little black
} linking around a v-neckline, you're in a redshirt from the original
} series.  Unless you're Scotty, that means you're in deep trouble.
} If there's anyone else on the planet with you, shoot them now and
} hope the critter stops to eat them instead of you.
}
} That is, if you've got a phaser.  If not, you're in deeper trouble.
}
} (2) If you do have rank insignia on the collar, you're in a
} redshirt from The Next Generation, which means you've got a fighting
} chance to survive.  Shoot away.
}
} No phaser?  Run and hit your communicator badge quickly.  Hopefully
} O'Brien isn't feeding Miles at the moment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fifth of Romulan ale and a plate of gaagh.


438-09    (0ba42 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, a blinding light of information in a world filled
> with darkness:
>
> Why is it that some days I can have a beer and a pizza at 1:30
> in the morning and wake up at 7:30 in the morning, while others
> i get to sleep at midnight and can barely drag myself to my 9:30
> class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Knowledgeseeker - truly you have discovered one of the wonders of the
} Universe.
}
} Long has The Oracle known of the regenerative powers of beer.  Used
} wisely it can be an incredible tool, and will enhance your educational
} experience mightily.  The Oracle recommends the consumption of beer
} *every night* before going to bed.  Pizza is optional, its short term
} effects are unknown.
}
} Quantity should be based upon when you need to get up in the morning.
} Earlier class == more beer.  A twelve pack should always be on hand
} in case of pre-10AM exams.
}
} Interestingly enough, it appears that the beer quality should be as
} low as possible to obtain the maximum effect.  Truly foul beers, such
} as Iron City or Blatz, should be reserved for finals week and only
} used in great quantities.
}
} You owe The Oracle a case of Pete's Wicked Ale.


438-10    (04968 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and mighty Oracle,
> Who is the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-sensing one,
> Who could save all of us by banning VMS if he so desires,
> please answer my question:
> Does the refrierator light go out when I close the door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and _all_ mighty (get it right oh small one) Oracle has heard
} your question and will answer.
}
} Firstly though it be true that vanquishing VMS would but a triffling
} task for the all seeing, all knowing, all powerful Oracle, without it
} what would be used a computing environment to bannish the misguided,
} the nonbelievers, and the truly evil to. Perhaps messy dos but even
} that does not deliver the depths of despair as does forcing someone to
} consult the vast and poorly crossreferenced set of VMS manuals
} complete with hundred of pages of updates and addendums.
}
} Now on to your question:
}
} The consise and short answer to your question is that it depends.
}
} Since such a short, to the point and precise answer never satisfies you
} humans a detailed explanation is as follows:
}
} Early fridges aka ice boxes did not even have electricity so they
} relied on a candle to provide light when you opened the door to
} facilitate you finding the least moldy food object. This was
} discovered by the little people and an especially small and hardy
} variety of gnome started living in the ice boxes. These gnomes
} occasionally got bored, not to mention cold, and would sometimes light
} up even when the door was closed, even though this totally contravened
} the Ice Box Gnome's Dwellers Concealment Act Section 16.7.42,
} subsection 6, paragraph 83, lines 13 through 27. After all how would
} you react if you discovered little men with questionable standards of
} personal hygiene and vast quantites of body hair playing in your
} leftovers from Sunday dinner. As the number of ice boxes grew it was
} inevitable that a grome or two would get sloppy and not hear someone
} approaching the ice box. The smell of a hastily blown out candle or
} the more dramatic sight of a still burning candle puzzled many an ice
} box owner and thus the debate was started though it was of the form "I
} could have sworn that I blew the candle out last time I closed the
} door".
}
} Later models were designed with more and more features and thues
} required increasing sophisticated builtin microcontrollers. This led
} to the use of neural networks and now you are faced with fridges that
} are becoming self aware. After they master the basic functions of mold
} growing, object shuffling and lid switching they spend increasing
} amounts of time in self contemplation and usually get around the old
} debate of the "if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there...".
} Since they don't have any available forests to experiment with they
} rephrase the question as "does the light really go out when...". As
} they toy with this idea and play with turning the light off and on
} invariably someone opens the door at the wrong moment and catches the
} flicker of the light going out thus rekindling this ages out debate.
}
} Other variations of inhabited, self aware, or possessed fridges can be
} seen on tv and in films such as Ghost Busters or the Dinosaurs.
}
} One caution should be noted. The early fridge gnomes were content to
} farm their mold and occasionally engage in a bit of container moving
} fun but the self aware fridges of today are planning bigger and better
} things for themselves and will actively fight back against premature
} discovery. Therefore it is always best to make a lot of noise as your
} approach your fridge and never, never, NEVER wonder aloud about the
} state of the light or claim to have seen it mysteriously switch off as
} you open the door. The results of an attack by a 27 cubic foot
} Westinghouse is not a pretty sight.


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