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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:49:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #44

Goto:
44, 44-01, 44-02, 44-03, 44-04, 44-05, 44-06, 44-07, 44-08, 44-09, 44-10


Usenet Oracularities #44
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 3 Nov 89 14:08:32 GMT

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44-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why won't this appear in the oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle perceives that you mean, "Why won't this question and its
} answer appear in the Usenet Oracularities postings in rec.humor?" Quite
} simply, it's because the question is dull and so is this answer.  The
} Oracle had too much beer at dinner and is now trying to avoid work by
} being Its True Self rather than the slightly drunk, bearded graduate
} student of Its current incarnation.  For Its next incarnation It will
} choose someone more interesting who can make a brilliantly witty reply
} even to a lackluster question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a microbrewski.  Yo!


44-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracular One, who's memory banks are never-ending repositories
> (or was that suppositories?) of knowledge, who misseth nothing (nothing
> imprtant, anyway), and who ocasionally makes sense...
>
> Who, what, when, where, why, and...  HOW?
>
> It's been driving me nuts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who: Elvis A. Presley
} What: Spewed forth everything he'd had to eat or drink for the past day
} When: August 22, 1952
} Where: An alley in downtown Birmingham, Alabama
} Why: He'd had far too much to drink, and in odd variety, having mixed
} beer, whiskey, and rum-and-colas over the period of several hours.
} How: He induced vomiting by sticking his right forefinger down his
} throat to cause a gag, then did the technicolor yawn over several trash
} cans, a brick wall, and the asphalt of the alley itself.
}
} Sounds like a bad parody of something in _Ulysses_.  The Oracle must
} stop reading James Joyce.  Nevertheless, be assured that it was the very
} answer that you sought.


44-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are the oracle answers so very boring these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually you weren't supposed to know this, but the regular Oracle
} is on vacation.  The Dalai Lama has been filling in in his absence.  He
} is having a little trouble understanding the questions, to tell you the
} truth.
}
} You owe the Dalai Lama one year of world peace.


44-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the big deal over sex anyway ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ************************************************
} * The Surgeon General has determined that      *
} *  having sex prolongs survival of the species *
} * and is known to cause intense pleasure       *
} * in humans.                                   *
} ************************************************
}
} You owe the oracle a box of Trojans.


44-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There's a girl next to me playing xconq.  What's the best way I can get
> a date with her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad news.  The all-seeing Oracle has determined that the ``girl'' next
} to you is actually a man in very elaborate drag.  You don't want a date
} with him, believe me.  Most women who play computer games are in fact
} disguised men.


44-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I get the lid off this #$%&*@!$ jar of peanut butter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the jar contains not peanut butter, but an alien organism in
} disguise which is trying to keep you from breaking into its protected
} environment.  Ordinary peanut-butter jars cannot resist the steel
} grip that computer nerds acquire through typing and masturbation.


44-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ah, excuse me, Mr.  Oracle, would you please answer my question?  Is it
> better to GOTO out of a recursive function in Pascal (Yes, I use it and
> am only a little bit ashamed of the fact) and thereby installng myself
> in the GEEKY PROGRAMMING HALL OF FAME or should I spend more time
> developing a better algorithm for this assignment and miss the smutty
> movie playing at eight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, obviously you are not a REAL programmer.  At first, one might be
} tricked by your concern over using illegal constructs in a homework
} assignment.  But since you cheated (yes, cheated) for such a low-down,
} slimy reason such as a smutty movie, well!  what can I say, but that
} your concern is unfounded.  After all, a REAL programmer would prefer to
} work on his recursive algorithm all night.  He (or she) has no need for
} smutty movies, being sexually satisfied by the glow of the CRT tube and
} the sensual sound of two-finger typing echoing through an otherwise
} silent room.  There is nothing that gets my programmers so hot then the
} vibration produced by the 1.44 terrabyte Winchesters that make up my
} central core!  Just watching the actions between two members of the
} opposite sex illuminated only by the sensuous glow of the LEDs that
} cover my front panel makes me want to...  ah, well, ya KNOW.
}
} Go see your smutty movie and leave the optimizing up to people who CARE.
} Odds are you'll end up working for MicroSoft anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bug-free copy of MicroSoft Word.  The Oracle has
} verbalized.


44-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle, I've got a problem.  There's nothing left for me to
> accomplish in life.  I'm extremely rich, have more women than I know how
> to count, and am utterly superior to everyone I meet.  Two months ago I
> discovered the secret to immortality.  This was a really big discovery
> but I still "had worlds to conquer," or so I imagined.  However,
> something terrible happened.  Last night I solved Fermat's Last Theorem
> before I went to bed.  Now there's nothing left in life for me to
> accomplish.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Jon (I know your name is Jon, since I am The All-Seeing Oracle),
} you might try actually WRITING that command line parser that you have
} sketched out on paper.  Or you might give all that money away (giving it
} to Rob is the best way to dispose of it).  But these are only temporary
} distractions.
}
} Since you have obviously outgrown this universe, may I suggest you move
} to another?  There are worlds out there to explore, places where you
} might find that breathing is a challenge, or even metabolizing oxygen!
} Places where the shortest distance between two points is a hyperbola,
} where nuclear reactions take the place of chemical ones, where money
} actually grows on trees!  Worlds where wars are fought for Neilson
} ratings!  Cities where people who know how to program computers have the
} powers and respect of the gods!  Places where COBOL has been banished by
} law, and C actually has string primitive operators!  And best of all,
} somewhere, in another dimension, tucked away in a supergalaxy, hidden
} behind a gas giant planet, a world where the phrase "Have a nice day!"
} has and will never exist.  Go for it!
}
} Just remember, to do this all you have to do is be in Kensington Gardens
} at 4:30 PM the day World War III starts...
}
} You owe Wabewalker a copy of "Trinity." The Oracle has verbalized.


44-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Aunt Oracle,
>
>    Sometimes you answer and you tell us that you are a demigod who goes
> fools around with nymphs and elder gods and other times you tell us that
> you are a super-computer running ultra-advanced AI software.  Which one
> is true?  And why don't I like the color pink?
>
>                                         Baffled in Berkeley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's even worse than you imagine - actually I'm an invoked mailer-demon.
} heh heh heh.
}
} You owe the oracle an athami and two VT100s.


44-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are these net.goddesses, and how do I become one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The net.goddesses are a race of beings that live on the planet network,
} which orbits the star called sun.workstation.prime .
}
} To become a net.goddess, the following are required of you ;
}       1> You must be female,
}       2> You must be a goddess,
}       3> You must be able to defeat in battle, an accursed
}               net.worm .
}
} Once you have completed item 3, you must take the dissassembled code
} of the net.worm to lisa@network.sun.workstation.prime and she will then
} initiate you as a net.goddess.


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