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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I'm a senior in Bakersfield High School.  This fall I'm goint to UC > Davis to study computer science like my father did.  What will the guys > be like there? > > Ann

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just like your dear old Dad: short, pot-bellied, unshaven, and } unathletic, with the social skills of swamp-dwelling slug-eaters and } hygenic practices that are banned by several international treaties. } In short, typical modern American technological wizards!  Have fun. } } You owe the Oracle a megaton of air freshener.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are these kids so young?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Union requirements.  (Hey, you think I'm going to say nice things like } "o supplicant" after that lack of grovel?)  All kids are born into } automatic membership into the union (Fraternal Union of Children and } Kids/Organization of Family Fraternals) and required to remain members } until no longer kids.  Section 334.II.4.A.5.b) subpart 45 states } specifically that no kid shall be over the age of 12. } } (This is why when you ask a child why she did something, she just } quotes the union regulations:  F.U.C.K.O.F.F.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose drinks are always the kind that are pink and > fruity with little umbrellas and really expensive (although because you > are so awesome you of course never have to pay for them), > > Please list for me the proper occasions for wearing my Hawaiian shirt. > (It is green with red parrots and flowers on it.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but what color are the flowers?  You mortals have a way of } forgetting the most important details.  If you have blue flowers next } to red parrots, wear your shirt before and after (but not during) The } Simpsons.  If, however, the flowers are green, never wear it during a } TV show.  Orange flowers next to red parrots mean that you are a } gay/lesbian, so wear your shirt only if you are so.  On the other } hand, pink flowers mean that you are abstainig, so throw away your } shirt if that is the case.  If you have no sexual preference, than } make sure that at least four of the following colors/patterns are } there: turquise, brown, black, green-gray, little dots, little green } teapots, palm trees, bird droppings, red rats (next to red parrots, of } course). } } Wear your shirt to your next interview, and everytime your cleaning } lady comes. } } The following people love your shirt:  your mother, the girl at the } convenience store, your mechanic, sideshow bob, your doctor, your } psychoanalyst, your guardians. } } The following people hate it (and hate you even more): the guy next } door, his wife, your banker, your lawyer, your dad, your fiancee, } Krusty the Klown.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle whose knowledge is more vast than the number of sand grains > in Tahiti, whose wisdom is measured in the megatons and whose > <ZOT>ing power is in the megawatts, answer this minor question from > this humble supplicant: > > Why does James Bond always get the chicks in bed with him five > minutes after meeting them, and I can't get a date to save my life? > > Yours in supplication,        -Ima Groveler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gigawatts, actually. However, despite your unoriginal sand grains } simile, I will leave that <ZOT>ing power to your imagination. } } So, you envy James Bond's bimbo turnover, do you Groveler? } } May I call you Ima? Well, Ima, the thing about the double-oh-seven } character is just that. He's a character. In a book. It's all a } fantasy. No? So you're out of luck. } } Well, actually no ... that's not completely so. Despite the fictional } nature of Bond's carnal adventures, a hapless loser like yourself can } learn something from all of this, with the help of a supreme intellect } like my own. } } If I quickly scan through Ian Fleming's complete Bond series, uh-huh, } and re-run my video collection, mm-hmmm, I think I can help. It is } fairly obvious, that there is a well-practised J.B. seduction routine. } It's probably part of the MI6 training in fact. } }       1. Find the lucky victim: } } Good places to look are casinos, secluded beaches, your own hotel } room. } [Not the sort of places you usually go to right? I thought so.] } }       2. The Raised Eyebrow. } } Raise one eyebrow and look the victim up and down with overt lust. } [What do you mean you can't raise one eyebrow without raising the] } [other one. You are trying to look sexy, not like Edward Woodward!] } }       3. The introduction. } } In a classic husky British voice, introduce yourself. (Mildly Scottish } accent is acceptable. I need not remind you that Scotland is part of } Britain.) } [No, that does not mean a Dick-Van-Dyke-cockney accent! You will] } [have to choose a pseudonym of course. You will not get far with] } ["My name's Groveler, ... Ima Groveler", will you?] } }       4. The first impression. } } You should now appear to ignore the victim and do something to impress } her/him. This will usually consist of winning a lot of money at } roulette, demonstrating your car's optional extras or killing an armed } assassin in a flamboyant way, preferably with a heavy vase or sash } cord. } [Well you could always arrange for a friend to pretend to be an armed] } [assassin. Preferably a friend who doesn't object to murder.] } }       5. The ruse. } } Insist that your victim must spend the next 24 hours with you, usually } for her/his own safety. } [Use your imagination! Think up a good acronym for your adversaries] } [Try the Organisation for National and International Overthrowing] } [and Nastiness] } }       6. The champagne. } } The final ingredient. Dom Perignon. A good year. } [Not a blimp, Groveler, a good year for champagne quality!] } }       7. The bedroom. } } This bit is up to you. If you haven't got it wrapped up by now, you } might as well give up and become a monk or something. } } There, it's not all that hard is it. Good luck. And remember, be } prepared. Have a packet in your pocket. James Bond never does but I } would not recommend the double-oh-seven method of contraception. Have } you noticed that everyone he ever sleeps with gets killed in the next } chapter/reel? A bit drastic if you ask me. And you did. } } You owe the Oracle one nerve gas cigarette and an ejector seat for a } VW beetle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a test.  This is only a test. > This is a routine test of the omniscience review board. > Please answer the following questions as quickly and succintly as > possible. > > What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? > > Why are we here? > > Would you like to play a game? > > Who *is* number one? > > Is God dead? > > Where are my car keys? > > Which of you (Oracle, God, Zeus, "Bob") will score higher on this test? > > Thank you, > Charles Randolph Irving St. Martin (crism@omni.science.org) > Omniscience Review Board > > I wanna play "Ki-Yi-Yi"!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything? } BURMA!  (Contrary to popular opinion.) } } > Why are we here? } Because we are not there. } } > Would you like to play a game? } Games are for children, not omnipotent gods! } } > Who *is* number one? } YOU ARE number six!!  Duh! } } > Is God dead? } No.  I'm just fine.  But thanks for asking. } } > Where are my car keys? } They are where all car keys go.  A little known planet that they use } to propogate their species. } } > Which of you (Oracle, God, Zeus, "Bob") will score higher on this } > test? } > God.  But Bob was a close second. } } > I wanna play "Ki-Yi-Yi"!!! } Don't!  You'll go blind. } } You owe the Oracle the second book by Aristotle on comedy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As an occasional Pepsi drinker, I would like to know just what exactly > is 'Uh-huh'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Uh-huh" is the polite way to refer to the sound one makes after } finishing a six-pack of Pepsi.  If it disturbs you, realize that you } have other options besides Pepsi; don't think you gotta have it. } } You owe the Oracle the right one, baby.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should any man be forced to have an abortion against his will?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the number of forced abortions on men } has increased rapidly, this is a question every } man should ask himself. } As on one hand any kind of brutality should be restricted } the free will is a right one should never touch. } On the other hand, is the world population growing so fast } that there should be something done against it. } But as long as women are not forced to make an abortion } why should the men ? } So, next time you'll be much more careful ! } And be sure that you've got a girlfriend you can rely on. } Otherwise one day you will be left alone, } a poor pregnant man. } I've heard so much bad stories about pregnant men left behind } by senseless women who had told them that } I'll-love-you-forever-and-will-you-marry-me stuff. } So be aware of quickies. } } You owe the oracle a video of 'Three men and a baby'. } } This answer was supplied by the Inc. Oracle GermanOZ&Sons

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A stumper for the Brilliant one: > > What time does the sun rise tomorrow on Pluto?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At dawn of course.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [strains of music fill the air as the game show set is lit up] > > Alex: And welcome back to this special showdown version of Jeopardy. >       Let's meet our contestants. First we have this man, who wants to >       be known only as Supplicant, why don't you tell us a little bit >       about yourself? > > [ The supplicant shifts nervously, and pushes his long stringy hair >   back from his eyes. He is wearing a green and blue striped >   short-sleeve shirt, and tan corduoroys which don't quite cover his >   ankles. His white socks are clearly visible above his brown wallabees >   with the crepe soles. ] > > Suppliant: Oh wise and mighty Trebek, whose smegma I am not worthy > to... > > Alex: Fascinating. Our next contestant is none other than the almighty >       Usenet Oracle! Oracle, glad to have you with us. So what do you >       do for a living? > > [ The Oracle stands splendidly behind the podium. His carefully coiffed >   hair curls around his face, long sideburns descend to his chinline. >   He is wearing a toga open to the navel. Golden chains dangle through >   his chest hairs, attached to various nickel plated medallions which >   rest on his paunch belly, which rides over his tighly pulled belt. >   Underneath his thong sandles he is wearing black dress socks. ] > > Oracle: I refuse to answer that question on account of the fact that >         you did not grovel, Alex. Be glad I don't zot you. > > A: Fascinating. Now let's get on with our next round, Oracle pick >    a topic. > > O: I'll take Greek Deities for 500. > > A: And the answer is: Poseiden. > > O: That's the god of the seas. > > A: Sorry Oracle, once again I will point out to you that you must >    phrase your answer in the form of a question. Supplicant? > > S: Who is the god of the seas? > > A: That's correct supplicant, the board goes to you. > > O: Why the hell should I have to phrase my answer in the form of a >    question? I'm the Usenet Oracle dammit! I know all the answers, and >    I don't even need those 3x5 cards you have. Why should I ask a >    question if I already know the answer? > > A: I'm sorry Oracle, you can take this up with the judges after the >    show if you want, but in the mean time I'm going to have to ask you >    to calm down or I'll have security remove you. > > S: I'll take Alt.* for 200 Alex. > > A: And the answer is: 42 > > O: What is the meaning of life? > > A: No I'm sorry Oracle, you are questioning the wrong answer. > > S: What is the most number of groups that a flame has been cross-posted >    to? > > A: Correct Supplicant. The score is now Supplicant 13,000, Oracle >    -27,000. We move now to final Jeopardy. Our final answer is... > > [ Just then a woman runs onto the set, she is wearing tight leopardskin >   spandex pants which cut into her pot belly. Her breasts bounce >   madly in her tube top and threaten to pop out. She is also wearing >   way too much makeup, although her lipstick does match her open toed >   sandals with the 6 inch heels. She throws her arms around the Oracle. > > Lisa: Oh Orrie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about last night. I >       scrubbed and scrubbed and you can hardly see the stains anymore. >       I also replaced the blender with a new one, if you want to try >       again. > > [ The Oracle pushes her away. ] > O: Not now babe, I've got a supplicant to wipe the floor with. > > [ Lisa is dragged away, kicking and screaming, by three security > guards. ] > > A: Now our final answer: Kinzler, the Priesthood and Lisa. > > [ Inane music fills the background for a few moments, while the >   Oracle's face darkens. ] > > A: OK let's see our questions here. Oracle your question was "That >    slimy bastard, I'll kill him!" sorry Oracle, once again you forgot >    to phrase your answer in the form of a question. Now let's see our >    supplicants question: "What is the answer to the correct question?" >    Let's go to the judges for ruling on that...yes they say they will >    allow it, the intended question was "Who was creating that ruckus in >    the blue van at the Star Drive-in last Friday night?" We have a >    winner supplicant! > > [ Supplicant wipes his hand off on his pants and reaches over to shake >   the Oracle's hand. The Oracle <ZOT>s him, causing his crepe soles to >   melt to the floor and then goes after Trebek. ] > > O: Trebek you pompous twit I'm gonna see to it that you don't read >    a flash card for the rest of your life, which won't be for long! > > [ Set fades to black, with the Oracle pounding a podium on the >   skull of the prostate game show host. ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct question for your blastphemous querry of an answer is: } }      "What kind of nightmare could the glorious Oracle }       have if the glorious Oracle could have nightmares?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did a large procession wave their torches as my head fell in the > basket? And was everybody dancing on the casket? > I haven't done anything that I want!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There were flies upon the windscreen, for a start, } Reminding us that we could be torn apart } Tonight. } The blood dimmed tide was losed and everywhere, } The ceremony of innocence was drowned. } And we danced } And we danced } We danced the whole night through. } While somewhere someone was crying } About the stately thing she had not done, } And now would never do.