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Internet Oracularities #440

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Usenet Oracularities #440    (29 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 07:44:49 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   440
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

440   29 votes 6b723 1c673 1bd22 32a95 5a851 4a951 bb610 15878 07598 ac430
440   2.8 mean  2.5   3.0   2.8   3.4   2.6   2.6   1.9   3.6   3.6   2.0


440-01    (6b723 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I'm a senior in Bakersfield High School.  This fall I'm goint to UC
> Davis to study computer science like my father did.  What will the guys
> be like there?
>
> Ann

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just like your dear old Dad: short, pot-bellied, unshaven, and
} unathletic, with the social skills of swamp-dwelling slug-eaters and
} hygenic practices that are banned by several international treaties.
} In short, typical modern American technological wizards!  Have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a megaton of air freshener.


440-02    (1c673 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are these kids so young?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Union requirements.  (Hey, you think I'm going to say nice things like
} "o supplicant" after that lack of grovel?)  All kids are born into
} automatic membership into the union (Fraternal Union of Children and
} Kids/Organization of Family Fraternals) and required to remain members
} until no longer kids.  Section 334.II.4.A.5.b) subpart 45 states
} specifically that no kid shall be over the age of 12.
}
} (This is why when you ask a child why she did something, she just
} quotes the union regulations:  F.U.C.K.O.F.F.)


440-03    (1bd22 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose drinks are always the kind that are pink and
> fruity with little umbrellas and really expensive (although because you
> are so awesome you of course never have to pay for them),
>
> Please list for me the proper occasions for wearing my Hawaiian shirt.
> (It is green with red parrots and flowers on it.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but what color are the flowers?  You mortals have a way of
} forgetting the most important details.  If you have blue flowers next
} to red parrots, wear your shirt before and after (but not during) The
} Simpsons.  If, however, the flowers are green, never wear it during a
} TV show.  Orange flowers next to red parrots mean that you are a
} gay/lesbian, so wear your shirt only if you are so.  On the other
} hand, pink flowers mean that you are abstainig, so throw away your
} shirt if that is the case.  If you have no sexual preference, than
} make sure that at least four of the following colors/patterns are
} there: turquise, brown, black, green-gray, little dots, little green
} teapots, palm trees, bird droppings, red rats (next to red parrots, of
} course).
}
} Wear your shirt to your next interview, and everytime your cleaning
} lady comes.
}
} The following people love your shirt:  your mother, the girl at the
} convenience store, your mechanic, sideshow bob, your doctor, your
} psychoanalyst, your guardians.
}
} The following people hate it (and hate you even more): the guy next
} door, his wife, your banker, your lawyer, your dad, your fiancee,
} Krusty the Klown.


440-04    (32a95 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle whose knowledge is more vast than the number of sand grains
> in Tahiti, whose wisdom is measured in the megatons and whose
> <ZOT>ing power is in the megawatts, answer this minor question from
> this humble supplicant:
>
> Why does James Bond always get the chicks in bed with him five
> minutes after meeting them, and I can't get a date to save my life?
>
> Yours in supplication,        -Ima Groveler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gigawatts, actually. However, despite your unoriginal sand grains
} simile, I will leave that <ZOT>ing power to your imagination.
}
} So, you envy James Bond's bimbo turnover, do you Groveler?
}
} May I call you Ima? Well, Ima, the thing about the double-oh-seven
} character is just that. He's a character. In a book. It's all a
} fantasy. No? So you're out of luck.
}
} Well, actually no ... that's not completely so. Despite the fictional
} nature of Bond's carnal adventures, a hapless loser like yourself can
} learn something from all of this, with the help of a supreme intellect
} like my own.
}
} If I quickly scan through Ian Fleming's complete Bond series, uh-huh,
} and re-run my video collection, mm-hmmm, I think I can help. It is
} fairly obvious, that there is a well-practised J.B. seduction routine.
} It's probably part of the MI6 training in fact.
}
}       1. Find the lucky victim:
}
} Good places to look are casinos, secluded beaches, your own hotel
} room.
} [Not the sort of places you usually go to right? I thought so.]
}
}       2. The Raised Eyebrow.
}
} Raise one eyebrow and look the victim up and down with overt lust.
} [What do you mean you can't raise one eyebrow without raising the]
} [other one. You are trying to look sexy, not like Edward Woodward!]
}
}       3. The introduction.
}
} In a classic husky British voice, introduce yourself. (Mildly Scottish
} accent is acceptable. I need not remind you that Scotland is part of
} Britain.)
} [No, that does not mean a Dick-Van-Dyke-cockney accent! You will]
} [have to choose a pseudonym of course. You will not get far with]
} ["My name's Groveler, ... Ima Groveler", will you?]
}
}       4. The first impression.
}
} You should now appear to ignore the victim and do something to impress
} her/him. This will usually consist of winning a lot of money at
} roulette, demonstrating your car's optional extras or killing an armed
} assassin in a flamboyant way, preferably with a heavy vase or sash
} cord.
} [Well you could always arrange for a friend to pretend to be an armed]
} [assassin. Preferably a friend who doesn't object to murder.]
}
}       5. The ruse.
}
} Insist that your victim must spend the next 24 hours with you, usually
} for her/his own safety.
} [Use your imagination! Think up a good acronym for your adversaries]
} [Try the Organisation for National and International Overthrowing]
} [and Nastiness]
}
}       6. The champagne.
}
} The final ingredient. Dom Perignon. A good year.
} [Not a blimp, Groveler, a good year for champagne quality!]
}
}       7. The bedroom.
}
} This bit is up to you. If you haven't got it wrapped up by now, you
} might as well give up and become a monk or something.
}
} There, it's not all that hard is it. Good luck. And remember, be
} prepared. Have a packet in your pocket. James Bond never does but I
} would not recommend the double-oh-seven method of contraception. Have
} you noticed that everyone he ever sleeps with gets killed in the next
} chapter/reel? A bit drastic if you ask me. And you did.
}
} You owe the Oracle one nerve gas cigarette and an ejector seat for a
} VW beetle.


440-05    (5a851 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a test.  This is only a test.
> This is a routine test of the omniscience review board.
> Please answer the following questions as quickly and succintly as
> possible.
>
> What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
>
> Why are we here?
>
> Would you like to play a game?
>
> Who *is* number one?
>
> Is God dead?
>
> Where are my car keys?
>
> Which of you (Oracle, God, Zeus, "Bob") will score higher on this test?
>
> Thank you,
> Charles Randolph Irving St. Martin (crism@omni.science.org)
> Omniscience Review Board
>
> I wanna play "Ki-Yi-Yi"!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > What is the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
} BURMA!  (Contrary to popular opinion.)
}
} > Why are we here?
} Because we are not there.
}
} > Would you like to play a game?
} Games are for children, not omnipotent gods!
}
} > Who *is* number one?
} YOU ARE number six!!  Duh!
}
} > Is God dead?
} No.  I'm just fine.  But thanks for asking.
}
} > Where are my car keys?
} They are where all car keys go.  A little known planet that they use
} to propogate their species.
}
} > Which of you (Oracle, God, Zeus, "Bob") will score higher on this
} > test?
} > God.  But Bob was a close second.
}
} > I wanna play "Ki-Yi-Yi"!!!
} Don't!  You'll go blind.
}
} You owe the Oracle the second book by Aristotle on comedy.


440-06    (4a951 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As an occasional Pepsi drinker, I would like to know just what exactly
> is 'Uh-huh'.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Uh-huh" is the polite way to refer to the sound one makes after
} finishing a six-pack of Pepsi.  If it disturbs you, realize that you
} have other options besides Pepsi; don't think you gotta have it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the right one, baby.


440-07    (bb610 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should any man be forced to have an abortion against his will?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As the number of forced abortions on men
} has increased rapidly, this is a question every
} man should ask himself.
} As on one hand any kind of brutality should be restricted
} the free will is a right one should never touch.
} On the other hand, is the world population growing so fast
} that there should be something done against it.
} But as long as women are not forced to make an abortion
} why should the men ?
} So, next time you'll be much more careful !
} And be sure that you've got a girlfriend you can rely on.
} Otherwise one day you will be left alone,
} a poor pregnant man.
} I've heard so much bad stories about pregnant men left behind
} by senseless women who had told them that
} I'll-love-you-forever-and-will-you-marry-me stuff.
} So be aware of quickies.
}
} You owe the oracle a video of 'Three men and a baby'.
}
} This answer was supplied by the Inc. Oracle GermanOZ&Sons


440-08    (15878 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A stumper for the Brilliant one:
>
> What time does the sun rise tomorrow on Pluto?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At dawn of course.


440-09    (07598 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [strains of music fill the air as the game show set is lit up]
>
> Alex: And welcome back to this special showdown version of Jeopardy.
>       Let's meet our contestants. First we have this man, who wants to
>       be known only as Supplicant, why don't you tell us a little bit
>       about yourself?
>
> [ The supplicant shifts nervously, and pushes his long stringy hair
>   back from his eyes. He is wearing a green and blue striped
>   short-sleeve shirt, and tan corduoroys which don't quite cover his
>   ankles. His white socks are clearly visible above his brown wallabees
>   with the crepe soles. ]
>
> Suppliant: Oh wise and mighty Trebek, whose smegma I am not worthy
> to...
>
> Alex: Fascinating. Our next contestant is none other than the almighty
>       Usenet Oracle! Oracle, glad to have you with us. So what do you
>       do for a living?
>
> [ The Oracle stands splendidly behind the podium. His carefully coiffed
>   hair curls around his face, long sideburns descend to his chinline.
>   He is wearing a toga open to the navel. Golden chains dangle through
>   his chest hairs, attached to various nickel plated medallions which
>   rest on his paunch belly, which rides over his tighly pulled belt.
>   Underneath his thong sandles he is wearing black dress socks. ]
>
> Oracle: I refuse to answer that question on account of the fact that
>         you did not grovel, Alex. Be glad I don't zot you.
>
> A: Fascinating. Now let's get on with our next round, Oracle pick
>    a topic.
>
> O: I'll take Greek Deities for 500.
>
> A: And the answer is: Poseiden.
>
> O: That's the god of the seas.
>
> A: Sorry Oracle, once again I will point out to you that you must
>    phrase your answer in the form of a question. Supplicant?
>
> S: Who is the god of the seas?
>
> A: That's correct supplicant, the board goes to you.
>
> O: Why the hell should I have to phrase my answer in the form of a
>    question? I'm the Usenet Oracle dammit! I know all the answers, and
>    I don't even need those 3x5 cards you have. Why should I ask a
>    question if I already know the answer?
>
> A: I'm sorry Oracle, you can take this up with the judges after the
>    show if you want, but in the mean time I'm going to have to ask you
>    to calm down or I'll have security remove you.
>
> S: I'll take Alt.* for 200 Alex.
>
> A: And the answer is: 42
>
> O: What is the meaning of life?
>
> A: No I'm sorry Oracle, you are questioning the wrong answer.
>
> S: What is the most number of groups that a flame has been cross-posted
>    to?
>
> A: Correct Supplicant. The score is now Supplicant 13,000, Oracle
>    -27,000. We move now to final Jeopardy. Our final answer is...
>
> [ Just then a woman runs onto the set, she is wearing tight leopardskin
>   spandex pants which cut into her pot belly. Her breasts bounce
>   madly in her tube top and threaten to pop out. She is also wearing
>   way too much makeup, although her lipstick does match her open toed
>   sandals with the 6 inch heels. She throws her arms around the Oracle.
>
> Lisa: Oh Orrie, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about last night. I
>       scrubbed and scrubbed and you can hardly see the stains anymore.
>       I also replaced the blender with a new one, if you want to try
>       again.
>
> [ The Oracle pushes her away. ]
> O: Not now babe, I've got a supplicant to wipe the floor with.
>
> [ Lisa is dragged away, kicking and screaming, by three security
> guards. ]
>
> A: Now our final answer: Kinzler, the Priesthood and Lisa.
>
> [ Inane music fills the background for a few moments, while the
>   Oracle's face darkens. ]
>
> A: OK let's see our questions here. Oracle your question was "That
>    slimy bastard, I'll kill him!" sorry Oracle, once again you forgot
>    to phrase your answer in the form of a question. Now let's see our
>    supplicants question: "What is the answer to the correct question?"
>    Let's go to the judges for ruling on that...yes they say they will
>    allow it, the intended question was "Who was creating that ruckus in
>    the blue van at the Star Drive-in last Friday night?" We have a
>    winner supplicant!
>
> [ Supplicant wipes his hand off on his pants and reaches over to shake
>   the Oracle's hand. The Oracle <ZOT>s him, causing his crepe soles to
>   melt to the floor and then goes after Trebek. ]
>
> O: Trebek you pompous twit I'm gonna see to it that you don't read
>    a flash card for the rest of your life, which won't be for long!
>
> [ Set fades to black, with the Oracle pounding a podium on the
>   skull of the prostate game show host. ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct question for your blastphemous querry of an answer is:
}
}      "What kind of nightmare could the glorious Oracle
}       have if the glorious Oracle could have nightmares?"


440-10    (ac430 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did a large procession wave their torches as my head fell in the
> basket? And was everybody dancing on the casket?
> I haven't done anything that I want!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There were flies upon the windscreen, for a start,
} Reminding us that we could be torn apart
} Tonight.
} The blood dimmed tide was losed and everywhere,
} The ceremony of innocence was drowned.
} And we danced
} And we danced
} We danced the whole night through.
} While somewhere someone was crying
} About the stately thing she had not done,
} And now would never do.


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