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Internet Oracularities #442

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442, 442-01, 442-02, 442-03, 442-04, 442-05, 442-06, 442-07, 442-08, 442-09, 442-10


Usenet Oracularities #442    (46 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 6 May 92 07:43:48 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   442
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

442   46 votes eha41 1dg88 2gj72 48cf7 28id5 2akb3 2cgf1 fe782 19j98 k9a43
442   2.9 mean  2.2   3.2   2.8   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.0   2.3   3.3   2.2


442-01    (eha41 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O differently-incarnated Oracle, patron entity of the
> ontologically-challenged, one who thinks alternately of Kafka and of
> diazenone asks: why am I so tired, so often?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It seems that you failed to look into the mirror in the last few days.
} Otherwise you would have noticed that you have turned into a giant bug.
} That's why you're so tired - you just have to adapt.
} Oh, and don't worry. This won't be for long. The Oracle is on its way
} to help you with his online-DeBugger!
}
} You owe the Oracle something against the cockroaches in his kitchen.
}
}                |>|<|
}             Oooooouuuuuiiiiioooouuuuiiiioooouuuuiiioooouuhhhyyyy!!
}             _____|___________________
}            / |  ___                __|   -----       ))
}         __/.O| |   |   O' RACLE's  | |                ))))
}        | |___| |___|   Extinctor   | |     ------      )))
}        | |___|         Service     |_|               )))
}        \_____________________________/   -----         ))
}            \__/         \__/ \__/                   ))))


442-02    (1dg88 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all knowing oracle,
>
> why don't elephants wear tophats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a question of evolution, really. Back in the good ol' days, when
} I was a younger Oracle (but no less wise, of course) elephants used to
} be carefree, happy creatures. Then along came Babar, Dumbo and all
} those other sellouts.
}
} The elephant is a sage, careful creature, much given to long
} quiet dustbaths in the savannahs, followed by a spot of cricket
} and a gin and tonic. (This is where the British got the idea too, but
} they're too pompous for dustbaths.) Anyway, picture your African
} Gentle-elephant. The very image of debonair good taste, in tails and
} tophat. All of a sudden the place is full of gawking tourists, and
} kiddies shouting "Look! Dumbo!", and hunters and such. What elephant
} would want to attract attention in these circumstances? The answer
} is obvious - only sellout running-dog lackey elephants, those with
} contracts with the big studios. The rest of elephant-kind removed their
} tophats, and tried to blend into the landscape, just waiting for the
} day. And yes, the day will come. A new dawn. A time where every
} elephant, regardless of ear shape or tusk size will be free to enjoy
} the simple pleasures that elephants everywhere once knew. A time where
} an elephant can be an elephant - Oh happy day! - without fear of being
} photographed, shot, pointed at, or imagined by drunks.
}
} And the tophats? Man will provide the tophats. Some will be ripped
} from the headless bodies of trampled circus MC's, some will be blown
} from the balding pates of mayors, some will come from places like
} Harrod's and Sak's. And they won't ne paying. Tophats are but a small
} part of the terrible price the human race will pay for its arrogance.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of the guy who told Tarzan where the
} graveyard was.


442-03    (2gj72 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [last time I asked all that happened is that You mailed it right
> back, I mean the #Qa number was gone but other wise there was only
> this question, no answer.  I didn't understand so I'm sorry to
> resubmit this again]
>
> Oh Timeless Sage, You are truly the only Diety for the 1990's.
>
> I was kind of wasting a little time earlier today(That is, I wasn't
> studying Your Back Digests) and reading some network news.  Well,
> there's this article that's cross posted to Kingdom Come.  The poster
> asks the readers to e-mail his account if they have any "lucky" or
> "favorite" numbers, why or why not, and otherwise if ever.
>
> Now, Oracle whom I cherish as I fear, let me explain my viewpoint.
> I believe in three things (i) Your Holiness (ii) the scientific
> revolution and (iii) computing over networks, in that order I assure
> You.  Superstition just isn't on the list.
>
> Should I e-mail him that I like pi because it's irrational and that
> I'm working on a proof that it is also prime?  Should I tell him I
> like infinity because it reminds me of You.  I mean, how long can
> I ignore a Incredibly Stupid Post like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I quote from the Book of Oracle, Chapter 23, verse 7:
}
}     It came to pass that once again the people pestered their Oracle
}     to reveal upcoming lottery numbers.
}
}     And The Oracle spake unto the people, saying "Knock it off, you
}     filthy swine!  I grow weary of your continuing questions concerning
}     the laws of chance.  Just remember this: the chances are that The
}     Oracle shall win, while you shall lose."
}
}     A small child then attempted to walk to The Oracle, but was stopped
}     by the crowd.  The Oracle spake again, saying unto them "Yeah,
}     ok, let him through already."
}
}     And the boy did so, and came, and sat upon the Oracular Lap.
}     Looking up, he did grin, and did ask "Mayn't I even have a lucky
}     number?"
}
}     The Oracular Heart was softened, and stated He "Well, I suppose,
}     if it makes you feel better."
}
}     And lo, the crowd was well pleased, and entoned the traditional
}     response: "Awwww-reeeeeet!"
}
} So I guess it's my fault, I encouraged the use of lucky numbers.  Think
} of it as evolution in action.
}
} Incidentally it is e, not pi, that is prime.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new traditional response.


442-04    (48cf7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> O Oracle, older than a giant sequoia, larger than Roseanne, please tell
> me:
>
> Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another grovel like that and I'll turn you into Dan Quayle.
}
} The chicken came first, because it had to get laid before the egg
} could. <rimshot>  (This presumes that the rooster was enough of a
} gentleman to make sure the chicken came first, but he probably wasn't.
} You know how men are.)
}
} You owe the Oracle some Kentucky Nuggets.


442-05    (28id5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose programs always compile at the first attempt,
> who never leaves dangling pointers, whose code is compact and efficient
> yet easily maintainable, I prostrate myself most abjectly before you
> and crave an answer to my miserable question.
>
> Long and oft have I struggled with the arcane magic spells necessary to
> appease the god Unix. Alas, such mysterious incantations as "awk",
> "grep", "yacc", "troff" etc. are beyond my mere mortal understanding. I
> humbly beg you to explain the meaning of these words.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These words have no meaning. They are relics of a bygone age, and most
} stem from a crusty old Scots sysadmin by the name of MacGregor.
} MacGregor was a REAL programmer. Most of those things you say of me
} applied to him also, and he NEVER used any editor but vi. He never
} used any language but C. And he NEVER, NEVER, NEVER even went NEAR
} a ms-dos box or a Mac.
}
} 'awk!'        was what MacGregor used to say when he was surprised,
}               possibly from a very hot mouthful of haggis.
} 'grep'        is what MacGregor used to say (involuntarily) after a
}               good haggis at lunchtime. It usually came out as
}               'GRE-E-E-E-P!'
} 'yacc'        means "That haggis was bad!' (as in 'YACC!!')
} 'troff'       is really an acronym. If his haggis was burnt, MacGregor
}               used to shout 'TROFF!' - this means, of course,
}               "Try Removing Offal From Flame."
}
} You owe the Oracle a well-cooked haggis.


442-06    (2akb3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> O Oracle, cooler than Antarctica during a cold snap, fantastically
> freezable, please tell me:
>
> My boyfriend is completely stressed out and on the verge of a
> breakdown. How can I best nurse him back to health?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, you have failed to mention exactly what it is that is
} causing so much stress for your boyfriend.  In my Omnipotence, however,
} I already know the answer.  You are possessed of a nearly god-like
} patience. (Don't worry.  As long as he takes his medicine, it should
} clear up in a few weeks.)
}
} In the meantime, you have several options:
}
} 1)      You can enroll in an accredited nursing school.  This has the
}         advantage of allowing you to actually nurse him "back to
}         health." However, bear in mind that he probably won't want to
}         wait several years for you to work your tender mercies and will
}         run off with a forty-year-old exotic dancer.  The upside to
}         this, of course, is that you will now have a viable career.
}
} 2)      The "shotgun" method.  There are actually two variations on
}         this theme.  The first, you just hold your favorite firearm to
}         his temple and tell him to "snap out of it."  The other is much
}         more cruel. You must simply tell him, cryptically, that you
}         know "just what the problem is" and leave several bridal
}         magazines laying about in strategic places.
}
} 3)      (The Oracle's favorite.)  Buy a bunch of bananas, a case of
}         Quaker State 10W-40, a trampoline, a cordless drill, any heavy
}         metal album and the book "Lisa's 101 Sure-Fire Cures of
}         Oracular Funks." Follow Lisa's advice explicitly.  If that
}         doesn't cure him, nothing will.
}
} You owe the Oracle the videotape.


442-07    (2cgf1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and forever wonderful Oracle, please answer my humble query:
>
> Hmm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm indeed.
}
} There are in fact languages which have no vowels in them.  There are,
} of course, languages which are known to include no vowels in their
} writing, but there are also languages which have no vowels in them
} whatsoever.
}
} These curious occurences of vowel-less languages are rare, as can be
} expected, and are normally very short-lived.  Some of the
} shortest-lived of these languages come from people with trivial and
} meaningless questions. They are new vocabularies and grammars generated
} on the spot, disappearing instantly as the speaker turns from living
} human being into a less evolved form, such as jelly or ash.
}
} Here are some examples of these short-lived languages:
}
} Hlp! Rcl, sm t hve lst ll m vwls.  wht d d?
}
} Hw mch wd wd wd chck chk f wd chck cld chck wd?
}
} Bt y cn't <Zt!> m, hh hh hh!
}
} Although difficult to comprehend, they are not gibberish, but
} fully-developed languages.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nght n th twn.


442-08    (fe782 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Oracle, whose brilliance outshines 10th magnitude stars, whose
> knowledge surpasses that of the wisest oldest and most gnarled
> sages on earth. Oh Oracle, I lay at thy feet my most humble person
> and ask of thee a most stupid question
>   Oh Oracle, why are you male?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As in Moby Dick, where Capt. Ahab walks through the streets with
} a cape made of the leathery skin from the penis of a great blue,
} I am male because I have a very large penis.


442-09    (19j98 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and splendiferous oracle,
>
> It's 1.00am, yet the computing lab is still full.
> Does EVERYONE have a project to hand in tomorrow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} you can come up with a better grovel than that, supplecant.
}
} (cue very minor {ZOT})
}
} However, that question is of utmost importance, so I will answer.
}
}
}        G   O   D   N   E   T       A   C   C   E   S   S
}
}        computer connections to every machine in the world
}        total      power      at      your      fingertips
}
} USERID: /ORACLE
} PASSWORD: *****
}
} GREAT ORACLE, WHOSE FEET I AM UNWORTHY TO WASH, AND ALL THAT JAZZ,
} WHAT DO YOU WANT *NOW*?
}
} ?:  usersearch
}
} THERE ARE 400,083 USERS LOGGED ON WORLDWIDE AT THIS MOMENT. ADDING
} NON-NETWORKED USERS, THERE ARE 3,023,433 USERS STARING INTO VDTS AT
} THIS MOMENT. WHAT ELSE YOU WANT ME TO DO, ORRIE?
}
} ?: cross-search
}
} WHAT IS YOUR LIMITING FACTOR?
}
} ?: deadlines
}
} IS THAT IT? (Y/N)
}
} ?: y
}
} 100,034 ARE GOVERNMENT USERS, WITH REPORTS DUE BETWEEN MONDAY AND
} A WEEK FROM TUESDAY. THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE JAPANESE, WESTERN
} EUROPEAN OR AMERICAN. THE LARGEST CATAGORY IN THE U.S. ARE POLICE
} OFFICERS WRITING CIVIL RIGHTS REPORTS TO THEIR COMMISSIONERS.
}
} 534,157 ARE STUDENTS (WEIGHTED TOWARD COLLEGE) WHO HAVE REPORTS
} DUE WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK. THERE ARE AT LEAST 12 MAJOR UNIVERSITIES
} IN THE U.S. WHOSE STUDENT-ACCESSABLE COMPUTER LABS ARE TOTALLY FULL,
} WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF SMALLER UNIVERSITIES WITH SIMILAR PROBLEMS.
}
} 678,234 ARE PLAYING A COMPUTER GAME. "TETRIS" HAS THE HIGHEST
} NUMBER OF THOSE PLAYERS. HOWEVER, AT LEAST 100,000 ARE PLAYING THEM
} IN STUDENT-ACCESSABLE COMPUTER LABORATORIES, HOGGING COMPUTERS FROM
} STUDENTS WAITING FOR COMPUTERS TO FINISH WRITING REPORTS.
}
} IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH?
}
} ?: fine
}
} OK. CATCHYA. SAY HEY TO LISA, WOULD YOU? ALSO, ASK HER TO USE THE
} BATTERY-POWERED THING INSTEAD OF THE CUCUMBER. I CAN'T SENSE THROUGH
} CUKES.
}
} ?: huh
}
} THANK YOU FOR USING GODNET ACCESS.
} NO CARRIER
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} There you have it. The total use is less than 1% of the human
} population and even less when you vector in animals.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flux capacitor that can handle 1.21 gigawatts.


442-10    (k9a43 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who achieves a greater high than Edward Fitzgerald ever did
> during the translation of the Rubaiyat, please answer my question...
>
> "Who is the potter, pray, and who the pot?"
>
>       Weirdbeard the still unsteady
>       Now under the Teapot
>       Stoke-On-Trent
>       U.K.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I shall decline to answer this question, as you are obviously English.


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