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Internet Oracularities #443

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Usenet Oracularities #443    (31 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 12 May 92 07:27:49 -0500

@@@ After getting all four of my wisdom teeth out it was amazing that I
@@@ was unable to compile digests this weekend.  Suffice to say that I
@@@ have recovered and the digests will arrive with reasonable frequency.
@@@
@@@ There have been major mail problems at iuvax lately and we all hope
@@@ they go away.  The people there have been diligent in fixing the
@@@ problem.
@@@
@@@ For those in school, HAPPY SUMMER VACATION
@@@
@@@ Oracularly yours, Josh Poulson

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   443
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

443   31 votes cb341 5c842 4c843 29974 12ba7 55b91 dc510 28f33 46b55 039a9
443   2.8 mean  2.1   2.5   2.7   3.1   3.6   2.9   1.8   2.9   3.0   3.8


443-01    (cb341 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look folks, check this out!  There's no included question!
} What a crack up!  How hysterical!
}
} "Orrie!  Be nice to new participants!"
}
} Oh, all right already, I do know what the question would of been:
}
}      Oh, wise and unselfish Oracle, please tell me
}      why I'm fairly successful as an incarnation
}      but such a total washout as a supplicant.
}
} To which I respond:
}
}      Gee, I'm pretty entertaining in supplication,
}      but a total hose job when incarnated.  We'd
}      best trade places:
}
} > Oh, Wise One Whose Name I Dare Not Say, Whose lavish knowledge spans
} > all kingdoms, Whobefore all people, be they townsfolk or be they
} > farmers, bow to prevent our insignificance to stain Your Greatness,
} > why is my mess of supplication all over myself such a hose job?
}
} And thus Spake Orrie:
}
} } A washout INDEED!
} }
} } You don't owe the Oracle a thing!
}
} Now some priest is probably just going to roll up my effort and smoke
} it!


443-02    (5c842 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle profound, whose cup never runneth over but with the
> accumulated knowledge of the Universe, who would have written
> this morning's test in but 3 minutes (and that only because
> you write slow) - please explain this to me:
>
> What is the purpose of the nominal nippo function nn(x) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my dear supplicant! It's you again. Well, let's see...
}
} iuvax::oracle> sh account (supplicant=actual
}      Oracular Account information for supplicant No. 234589a/II
}      Sum of questions in recent 3 months: 12
}      List of payments required:
}      1. A nail clipper /NOT PAID/
}      2. A complete edition of the works of G. B. Shaw /NOT PAID/
}      3. A new world order /NOT PAID/
}      4. The Head of Oliver Stone on a silver plate /NOT PAID/
}      5. A genuine Colani keyboard /NOT PAID/
}      6. A small piece of green putty /NOT PAID/
}      7. Some aphrodisiac for Lisa /NOT PAID/
}      8. A chess board with the double number of rice grains on each
}         field /NOT PAID/
}      9. Some bananas /PAID/
}      10. A fridge for the bananas /NOT PAID/
}      11. A lightbulb /NOT PAID/
}      12. A nominal nippo function nn(x) to calculate the nominal nippon
}          share of the US gross inland product /NOT PAID/
}
} Well; it seems that you should first balance your account. You didn't
} pay eleven of twelve items and the bananas got foul because I haven't
} got a refrigerator to keep them in.
} That you do not know the nominal nippo function will not serve as an
} excuse. (And be glad, I didn't ask for a criminal columbian one! There
} are some people there who don't like their statistics published...)
}
} You owe the Oracle a nail clipper, the works of G. B. Shaw, a new world
} order, the head of Oliver Stone, a Colani Keyboard, a piece of green
} putty, aphrodisiac, a chessboard with rice, new bananas in a fridge,
} a lightbulb, the nominal nippo function and an unsignificant US one.
}
} And I did type all this in less than three minutes!


443-03    (4c843 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mightily magnificent Oracle, whose knowledge knows lots about lots, lo,
> even why the Americans encourage politicians by voting for them, please
> answer this humble supplicant's humble query: Is a thesis easier to
> start or to finish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most important thing to remember whilst writing a thesis is that
} the quicker you get behind, the more time you have left to catch up.
}
} It therefore requires little extension of thought to this principle to
} see that it's probably best to start promptly - the first 90% of the
} thesis will take the first 90% of the time, the last 10% will take
} another 90% of the time.
}
} We can see a trend here, in time. Ipso, starting and finishing per se
} are both equally easy, but finishing on time is important - given the
} first statement above, starting on time is therefore also important.
}
} The more importance that is attached to something, the more difficult
} it becomes to complete successfully. Ergo it follows that in order to
} finish on time, one has to start ahead of time, which, in the absence
} of normal human ability to predict the future or to physically travel
} into the past, is not possible.
}
} Given, then, that we can only start now (easy), and have to accelerate
} towards the proposed finish date at sufficient speed to allow oneself
} time to catch up should that time be needed to cater for some hitherto
} unforseen problem, then it becomes possible that one may pass the
} finishing point without actually realising it (also easy).
}
} In conclusion, it is as easy to start as it is to finish, but to start
} or finish on time is difficult, no matter what your point of view.
}
} You owe the Oracle a return flight to the past via the future.
}
} Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
} revitalize the corner saloon.


443-04    (29974 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest and most tasty Oracle!
> Today I overheard a woman say in the store: 'That cheese is supposed
> to have 20% fat. Does that refer to 100g?'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The incident you describe, mere supplicant, gives an example of one of
} those unfortunates who is destined to forever suffer from an
} overwhelming lack of comprehension of a society where the level of
} unecessary and extraneous information supplied has exceeded her cranial
} data storage capacity and resulted in random interspaced logic errors.
} This is emphasised in such simple situations as shopping. In fact, if
} you had looked more carefully, you would have observed that the item
} she was actually looking at when she queried the shop assistant was a
} 400gram tub of butter. Closer examination of her shopping trolley would
} have revealed that she had selected a large packet of high fibre dog
} biscuits believing them to be breakfast cereal, Ozone friendly Crushed
} Rose scented Clean Air air freshener thinking it was a hair spray,
} Promite yeast sandwich spread instead of black shoe polish, a tube of
} Shaving Cream for her toothpaste, and 3 bottles of hospital strength
} lemon scented disinfectant cleaning fluid thinking it was a
} concentrated high vitamin cordial. In fact her entire family, the
} Kreetons, have similar problems, some of which are related in no small
} way to Marge (the woman in question)'s disoriented store purchases. Her
} husband, Oswald, worked for 23 years as a window cleaner for skyscraper
} offices, and never realised that the silent stranger who worked with
} him throughout this time, listening quietly to his meaningless banter,
} was actually his reflection in the windows. He eventually quit the job
} when he tired of the three train and bus links and 1 hour travelling
} time it took him to get to work, when unbeknownst to him his office was
} about 5 minutes walk down the road and around the corner. His pet dog,
} Rufus, is actually a tame otter, the neighbours are often bemused to
} see him attempting to mow his lawn with a rather elaborate vacuum
} cleaner, and the Kreetons' family car - complete with wide wheels, CB,
} 10 Litre V8 diesel engine, twin exhausts, power steering, and a variety
} of buttons and knobs they had yet to work out - is for all intents and
} purposes a farm tractor. Marge's parents, Theodore and Hilda, run a
} small blacksmith's store where they specialise in making customised
} swords for knights and royalty, arrowheads for thieving archers, and
} insignia'd suits of armour for the armies of Kings. Her grandmother was
} burnt at a stake being suspected of being a witch, and her great great
} grandfather died during childbirth, thanks to his angry wife and a well
} sharpened tomahawk.


443-05    (12ba7 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! Oracle! Thou art magnificent!
> Grant thy humble slave the benefit of thy wisdom!
>
> Why is it that some floppy disks make a shhukka-shukka-shukka sound
> when placed in a drive, and some do not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the Grand Unified Breakfast Cereal Theory of the Universe,
} the molecular structure of everything (including floppy disks) is
} modelled on American commercial breakfast cereals. Let's take a few
} floppies at random and see how they sound:
}
}         Sound                              Description
}         =====                              ===========
}
} "Snap! Crackle! Pop!"           Often indicative of a defective disk,
}                                 this sound is characteristic of
}                                 diskettes composed from a rice paper
}                                 substrate [try eating the diskette
}                                 envelope (5.25") or "Plastique [tm]"
}                                 wrapper (3.5") to make sure.] As it is
}                                 edible, this diskette type is
}                                 particularly useful in data-security
}                                 applications. The Japanese are also
}                                 working on a soybean-based version (the
}                                 miso flavour has been particularly
}                                 popular in tests).
}
} "ChockaChockaChocka!"           Chocolate-covered diskette; this was
}                                 once used extensively on Apple II
}                                 computers. As they used to say, "an
}                                 Apple a day keeps the disk doctor
}                                 away". (This diskette type was
}                                 abandoned when the Macintosh went into
}                                 production, a move which gave many the
}                                 pip.)
}
} "FRRROOOOOOOT!...LOOOOOOPS!"    This onomatopoeically-named diskette
}                                 is not recommended unless you also use
}                                 a spell-checker.
}
} "WeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEET!"       Shredded Wheat [tm] inspired design,
}                                 once a favourite with operating system
}                                 programmers for archiving their
}                                 multi-tasking kernel software. Now used
}                                 for sensitive data that is to be
}                                 destroyed afterwards (saves the user
}                                 time as data on the disk is already
}                                 shredded, and in byte-sized chunks!)
}
} "MmmmmMMMYYYOOOOOOZZZLLEEEE"    Floppy disk structured after wholesome
}                                 natural meusli. This design ensures a
}                                 good rapid movement of data to and from
}                                 your system, particularly good if your
}                                 data contains 0xBC (B-12) characters.
}
} "BrrrRrrRRrRAAAAANNNNNNNN..."   The boring counterpart of the meusli
}                                 disk, this diskette will get the job
}                                 done, at the expense of being dull and
}                                 dreary. The diskette of choice at IBM.
}
} "Shhukka-shukka-shukka!"        Generic sugar- (shhukka-) coated
}                                 diskette. After a few years using these
}                                 diskettes, your disk drive's read/write
}                                 circuitry will rot. Avoid at all costs!
}                                 If you must use them, make sure you
}                                 clean your drive head immediately
}                                 afterwards.
}
} (Note that Kellog's has recently withdrawn from the diskette market,
} as their corn-based products were found to be a bit flakey...)
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee, orange juice, and some toast.


443-06    (55b91 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On starday night I have a date,
> It isn't due to start that late.
>
> At 6 O'clock she'll visit me,
> and we will have a cup of tea.
>
> To dinner then we two shall go,
> and thence the theatre for a show;
>
> And after that back to my flat,
> where we shall sit and sit and chat.
>
> Although I find her quite a dish,
> (if that's the term - I AM English),
>
> I fear that if I begin to think
> such thoughts as are provoked by drink,
>
> (As Shakespeare said in his MacBeth-
> before the discovery of the death),
>
> Then will my background interpose,
> and honour too, white as the rose...
>
> of Lancaster, for 'tis my estate,
> (as title's go, it's not that great),
>
> And honour, love, and care will spring
> and I won't then do anything...
>
> But compliment her on her charm,
> and maybe walk back arm in arm.
>
> But as for sex, I may not do,
> until my wedding vows are through.
>
> So English that I may not fall
> into sin (like the American down the hall),
>
> But remain instead honour intact,
> but in experience sadly lacked.
>
> My question thus- is it so wrong,
> to declare my love in prose or song,
>
> but never try to test my luck
> in asking my true love for a kiss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The British are so weird,
} Their attitudes sublime.
} They think that sex is dirty,
} And fun & games a crime.
}
} The Oracle is wiser,
} It knows sex is clean.
} Chastity is silly,
} And swinging is its dream.
}
} So if you want this girl
} And wish to press your suit
} Then go ahead and ask her
} If she'll give you a kiss.
}
} You owe the Oracle four asprin and five back-issues of PlayPC.


443-07    (dc510 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now see here Oracle, I can understand "Internet", there is a certain
> logic to that name, but how can anybody justify such a stupid name as
> "UseNet" or even <gasp> "FidoNet"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh lowly scum....
}
} There is a logic to the naming of these nets which is quite obviously
} above your mere mortal mind.  If you cannot comprehend something, how
} do you expect me to help.  While I may know everything, I don't do
} miracles unless I feel like it.  Since you chose to be blasphemous and
} not grovel to ME the ORACLE (Holiest of all Holies, etc., etc....) I
} DON'T feel like it!  When you can get yourself into the proper frame of
} mind, I might provide you with a small miracle which will help.
}
} Until then, the reason these nets are named this way is that they are
} named in the language of the Gods, Bs#itGalour, which you of course
} can't and never will understand.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
} 000,000,000,000,000,000 Blocks of Memory.


443-08    (28f33 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hehehe, Riddle me this, Batman:
>
> Why did the Penguin and the Catwoman get to be in Batman II, and not
> me?
>                                       Sincerely,
>                                         The Riddler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Riddler;
}
} On behalf of the executive producers of Batman II, we wish to
} express our deepest sympathy for not selecting you to have a
} part in the sequel.
}
} Granted, it was a difficult decision. You scored quite highly
} in the talent competition, and looked absolutely stunning
} in the swimwear finals. Your speech about "ending hunger, and
} finding world peace" moved some of the judges to tears.
}
} Sadly, it also moved others to laughter.
}
} What it all boils down to is demographics. Batman I was a standard
} escapist "us vs. them" summer flick. We never intended to make money!
}
} Batman II, on the other hand, is aimed at a highly selected target
} audience: middle-class eco-friendly yuppies. Yuppies like animals.
} It makes them feel good to see fluffy (or catwoman) scamper after
} some minor object.
}
} So, when reviewing previous Batman characters, we have Penguins,
} and Catwomen. Riddlers just don't fit into the wholesome image we
} try to project. Blame Frank Gorshin. It's all his fault.
}
}                             Sincerely,
}                             Acme Movies, Inc.
}
} You owe the Oracle your Screen Actor's Guild Card, and a date with
} Batwoman.


443-09    (46b55 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My PC won't talk to my printer, how do I fix this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who art thou who thinks that they need not humble themselves in front
} of the mighty oracle? Where is the customary grovelling and
} boot-licking? I, the mighty Usenet Oracle will just this once overlook
} this gross breach of tradition and answer your question, hoping in the
} future you will treat the Oracle with the reverence it expects.
}
} > My PC won't talk to my printer, how do I fix this?
}
} The oracle has pondered this question deeply, scanning time lines for
} possible solutions, and has found two, these have been weighted with
} probabilities derived by the amazing intellect of the Oracle.
}
} Solution A: Probability 96%.
}
}       The oracle considers it most likely that your problem lies in one
} basic missing feature of most printers in the 1990's when the question
} appears to have been posted, which is their lack of ability to
} understand speech.. If however you are in possesion of a printer
} capable of understanding speech then perhaps the PC is at fault? Does
} it have a strong regional accent? or is it suffering from any form of
} illness which causes its speech to be muffled or blurred? You may find
} that altering the configurations so as to ensure that the PC speaks
} both clearly and slowly will improve matters. Of course, the simplest
} method of resolving this problem is to use more conventional means of
} information transfer between PC and printer such as rs232 or some form
} of parallel connection cable?
}
} Solution B: Probability 4%
}
}       The other possibility is that your PC and Printer have had a
} disagreement and are refusing to speak to one another. This problem
} occurs if both devices are configured with a stubborn personality. Have
} you thought about taking them both out to dinner and asking them both
} what the problem is? A quiet talk over a nice meal often helps sooth
} tempers and hopefully you may get them both to shake hands and start
} talking again.


443-10    (039a9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-around cool dude, whose Harley Davidson from
> Hell doth reak havoc among UNIX computers accross our struggling
> nation....
>
> Do tell this unknowing soul an answer to his question..
>
> My Fluid Dynamics teacher makes all of his lecture material look
> easy but his tests come from hell. How should I take my revenge?
>
> Thanks, mister.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fluid Dynamics, eh?  A case like this calls for drastic action.
} Traditional methods of revenge, such as painful gruesome death, fail to
} properly address this type of situation.  Instead, your teacher must be
} repaid in kind, and attacked with obscure confusing questions that seem
} to appear from nowhere. In other words, it's time to invoke Political
} Correctness (tm).  Accuse him of unfairly discriminating against solids
} by teaching only fluid dynamics. Start a solid dynamics action
} committee on campus.  Picket and demonsrate in front of his office.
} Boycott his classes.  Petition your school to have him dismissed.
} Campaign to have fluid-biased textbooks banned from the bookstore.
} Have a sit-in until your department agrees to offer an alternative
} course in solid dynamics.  Replace the word fluid in everyday usage
} with the term viscosity-challenged.
}
} Once the poor wretch has been forced to explain the very existance of
} his course, you should be able to expect tests in the future almost
} completely devoid of content.
}
} You owe The Oracle the lecture notes from Nuclear-Free High-Energy
} Physics.


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