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Internet Oracularities #444

Goto:
444, 444-01, 444-02, 444-03, 444-04, 444-05, 444-06, 444-07, 444-08, 444-09, 444-10


Usenet Oracularities #444    (41 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Fri, 15 May 92 07:20:45 -0500

@@@ From far away in Spain, the Great Kinzler has managed to get voting
@@@ into some semblance of order.  People should already be receiving
@@@ their congrat letters.  Please note that some people are gonna get
@@@ their accounts overflowed with Oracular love/hate-mail. :)
@@@ The Great Dijester -- JRP

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   444
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

444   41 votes 4ed82 3ih21 bdg10 2hi31 343bk 26fd5 9cb63 447ga 46gb4 6gd24
444   2.9 mean  2.8   2.5   2.2   2.6   4.0   3.3   2.6   3.6   3.1   2.6


444-01    (4ed82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh, all-knowing and kind Oracle, please answer me this.  How do
> you cure a broken heart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All knowing?  Sure
}
} Kind?  Heh!  You got the wrong Oracle, buddy.
}
} First, rip the offending organ out of the body, which may require
} breaking the breastbone, but oh well.  Then, whip out yer crazy glue
} and glue together the broken bits.  Be sure to let it set for 10
} seconds!  Voila! The heart is cured.
}
} Unless you meant cured as in bacon.  If that's what you want, skip the
} crazy glue part and hang the heart up in a smoke house for a few weeks.
}
} Keeping the rest of the body alive while curing the heart is left as an
} exercise for the reader.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that's meant to be taken literally.


444-02    (3ih21 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous Oracle, who never forgets anything (even though I submitted
> this question before and never got an answer), please tell me:
>
> I live in New England.  We are currently dealing with 40-50 degree
> weather and it's the first week of May.  It has also been one of the
> coldest winters we've had in years, with wind chills at 20-40 below
> zero for weeks at a time.  What's with all these people who are
> screaming about global warming?  All I see is the coming of the next
> Ice Age.  Could you explain this?
>
> (Also, just as an aside, any favors I could do you to get some warmer
> weather around here?  I know you have some "influence" with Mother
> Nature.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of the data for those global warming charts was collected on
} Hawaii. Scientists make grandiose claims because they like the
} attention.  They figure if they go on a lecture circuit they'll get to
} stay in fancy hotels and meet lots of nubile women.  There is something
} to global warming, but not as much as the scientists think.
}
} Mother Nature was a gorgeous babe in her day (all the He-gods followed
} her around like puppies).  But as the years passed she grew weary of
} her job, especially since Man was competing with her for control of the
} planet.  She retired recently, and now spends her time chasing after
} the older He-gods. She still has nice legs with dainty feet.  Meantime,
} Nature's systems have been left to flux and cycle aimlessly in the
} mother's absence.  The bizarre weather is simply random so don't take
} it personally.
}
} As for favors, I don't need favors.  I take whatever I want whenever I
} want, and this includes nubile women.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glacial ice cocktail.


444-03    (bdg10 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who knows more than Odin, who is stronger than Tor, and
> whose magnanimousity is more than enough, please answer my humble
> question:
>
> why is it that most people only know about Greek mythology, and know
> nothing about Scandinavian? I mean, what did the Greeks do, besides
> getting invaded by the Romans and doing a couple of sculptures (and all
> of them without arms too)? Surely that can't even be compared to what
> we Vikings achieved: robbing almost every major city in Europe,
> discovering Vineland (or America, as it is known by those who don't
> understand history), Greenland, and Iceland (that one was hard, it's
> easy to miss it since it's so small; Vineland was a breeze in
> comparison), and generally having a better time than most in the Dark
> Ages (it's almost unbelievable how jealous of us most people were then,
> and still are, since they won't put it into their history books).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jealous? Ha! We laugh at you miserable lemmings, shivering in the
} perpetual darkness of your godforsaken hell-hole, going to bed at 8 PM,
} and paying ten bucks for a beer. Who could possibly believe that the
} vikings had anything to do with the modern inhabitants of Sweden - a
} bland, colorless race of civil servants who manage to make even sex
} boring. The only good thing to come out of Sweden is Britt Ekland -
} perhaps I should say the only good pair of things. After all, I'm the
} oracle and I can say disgustingly chauvinist and non-PC things if I
} like!


444-04    (2hi31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@cpac.washington.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle.
> You know all of our thoughts even before we think of them.
> You read minds the way we humble mortals read newspapers.
> You can see all things beautiful and ugly,
> Hear all things melodious and grating,
> Smell all things fragrant and nauseating.
> No lie can possibly deceive you.
>
> WHY IS EVERYONE OUT TO GET ME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you're a paranoid schizophrenic.  Since the dawn of
} psychotherapy, a secret society of analysts has been keeping lists of
} people throughout the world with persecution complexes.  As soon as
} this evil cabal of shrinks hears about a new customer, they immediately
} infiltrate the poor victim's friends and relatives, turning all of them
} against the nutty victim who will then, seeing all his or her
} persecution fantasies realized, will run to the door of the nearest
} mental-health clinic or couchmaster, spending all their money and
} assuring that psychoanalysts pillage the wallets of countless innocents
} for all eternity.
}
} Good racket they've got there, eh?  The Oracle suggests that you do not
} seek counseling, but instead, stop acting so paranoid.  As soon as the
} cabal sees that you are no longer a crazed maniac seeing conspiracies
} behind every door, they will leave you alone and seek out a new
} customer somewhere else.
}
} You owe the Oracle a an autographed copy of the Illuminatus trilogy and
} a straitjacket.
}
} [ Hi! I'm an Oracular signature virus.  Incorporate me in your answers
} and watch me spread! ]


444-05    (343bk dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, dear, I'm in your apartment. It's raining outside,
> I'm bored and I want to go shopping. However, you
> cheap bastard, you've left me with nothing but a pair of
> silk pyjama pants. How do I get home?
>
> And if you tell me to click my heels and say "I wish I were
> back in Kansas, by God these lips shall never touch thine again."
>
>           Petulantly, Lisa.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene: two old men sheltering from the pouring rain in a
} bus-shelter.
}
} Suddenly what could only be described as a "Woman" (probably the only
} one ever to truly earn the capitalization) flies past wearing only a
} pair of silk pyjama pants.  Being unfamiliar with the concept of
} "pyjamas" she is definitely wearing them in a way for which they were
} not originally intended.  Suffice it to say that afterwards they will
} need a damn good ironing, and the stains may never come out.
}
} One old man surges to his feet, claws his chest, and slumps back onto
} the rain-slick concrete.  His life is ebbing fast, but for some reason
} a small smile plays around his lips.
}
} "Guido," he gasps, "You probably never knew this, but the only wealth I
} have in this world is that apartment building.  And my only claim to
} fame is that the UseNet Oracle lives in the penthouse.  And now, after
} all these years, I'm going to have to evict him."
}
} "But Luigi, why, why, why would you have to do that?"  Guido realizes
} that his friend is not much longer for this world.
}
} "Why, didn't you see?  His Lisa just ran out."


444-06    (26fd5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: A baptism somewhere in Indiana. The preacher is standing at the
>        open grave, nearby lying is already the gravestone, marked
>        "The Usenet Oracle - 1.000.000.000.007 b. c. - 1992".
>
> Preacher: And so we wave a last goodbye to our old comrade, the Usenet
>           Oracle, who died last week of tiresome grovelings. And we
>           hope that his friend, The Supplicant, who is among us today,
>           will take The Oracle's place and continue the good and
>           merciful works of The Oracle.
>           Ashes to ashes ...
> (Lisa - supported by The Supplicant in a dark suit, a brightly-coloured
> tie and sandals - approaches the open grave and throws a bucket of
> beautful flowers into it.)
> Lisa (sobbing and crying): Go - Go - Good-bye, Or - Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fooled you, didn't I?  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all
} before.  "God is dead--Nietzsche" followed by the usual rejoinder
} "Nietzsche is dead--God."  You believe everything you read?  What
} are you, some kind of dummy?
}
} Of COURSE the Oracle's not dead.  But don't tell that to Louie
} "Bananas" Molinaro and the boys up in Atlantic City.  You see,
} it's like this...
}
} ...I was feeling kinda good at the tables one night.  Kinda
} loose.  Kinda lucky.  Next thing I know I'm rolling high, buying
} up the little guys and winning on every number.  I'm coverin' the
} angles, takin' care of business.  The casino owner gets
} suspicious, know what I mean?  Yeah.  He tries sending over one
} of his monkey-suit floor bosses to offer me drinks on the house,
} and a fine meal.  I says "no deal," 'cause I'm rolling lucky.
} Got Lisa at my side, blowin' on the dice to make 'em win.  Yeah,
} life is sweet.  SWEET.
}
} Next thing I know, the casino says there's a call for Lisa on the
} house phone, and as soon as she steps away from the tables, the
} most beautiful dame I ever laid eyes on steps outa the crowd and
} slides a knowing hand down the fronta my trousers.  Holy me!  I
} nearly dropped my dice, but Ralph stood to attention, if you get
} my drift.  I wasn't born yesterday, though.  In fact, I wasn't
} born last MILLENIUM.  This broad's workin' for the casino, and
} they paid her to drag me away from the tables for a little
} upstairs action, if you get what I'm sayin' to ya.
}
} So I says "Blow, babe," and she winks at me and purses her lips
} into a soft little "O."  Oh-oh.  Lisa comes back to the table,
} and nearly decks miss fancy-pants right there on the floor.
} There's a scene.  Lisa gets a swing in before I can pull her
} away, and the broad pulls out a gun.  It gets real quiet in the
} place, let me tell ya.  So I says "Hold on, hot lips, we're
} leavin'.  Just put away the piece and we'll walk away nice and
} quiet like."  Just then a meaty paw clamps down on my shoulder,
} and a voice says "Not so fast."
}
} It's Louie "Bananas" Molinaro, the most notorious mobster alive.
} He makes John Gotti look like Alan Alda.  This clown is so well
} connected, if you get on his wrong side you can't go to witness
} protection--heck, you can't remain on this PLANET if Louie
} Bananas has your number.  I gulped.  I smiled.  And like a fool,
} I lost my temper and turned him into a nun.  Just then Lisa
} screamed "RUN!" and I turned around and saw about twenty of his
} goons comin' at me carryin' every weapon imaginable.  Submachine
} guns.  Automatic weapons.  It was a military arms build up right
} there in the Sands Hotel.
}
} We ran, and we vanished, but we made off with the money.  All of
} it.  Not that the Oracle NEEDS money, but I didn't want to give
} it back.  It was the principle of the thing, an' I got
} principles, let me tell ya.  We knew we was marked, though, and
} that we could never go back to Atlantic City to gamble again
} unless the syndicate thought I was iced.  Laid out.  Rigor
} mortissimo on a slab with a toe tag and a bad makeup job.  So we
} faked it.  It was kinda fun.  Lisa sobbin' and cryin' and
} carryin' on, and both of us laughing behind our hands at the
} great insurance settlement we're gonna get.
}
} So don't believe everything you read in the papers.  And if you
} see Louie Bananas in the convent, ask him how many Hail Marys HE
} had to say. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen Our Fathers, two dozen Hail Mary's,
} and a more believable New Joisey accent.


444-07    (9cb63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> An old friend of mine is getting married this summer.  Do you have any
> advice for him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since there was no grovel with this question, you get the serious
} answer.
}
} Tell him to treat her with love and respect at all times, even when
} they might be mad at each other.  Always communicate openly and
} honestly with her, and never assume anything.  The only secrets should
} be what you will give her for her birthday or Christmas.  Bend over
} backwards and do more than you have to: when you find yourself
} comparing who does what and how much in the marriage or around the
} house, it is too late.  Little surprises like a flower or card don't
} have to wait for "special" or "official" days; any and every day is
} fine.
}
} A long and loving marriage is more and harder work than any job you can
} dream of; but the rewards for putting in the effort are out of this
} world!
}
} You owe the oracle a bottle of champagne and a photo of the happy
} couple!


444-08    (447ga dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Sam-I-Am's favorite prostitute fart in Rio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am Pam
} Pam I am.
}
} A prostitute
} for Sam I am.
}
} I like to do it in a box.
} I like to do it with a fox.
} I like to do it in the rain.
} I like to do it in a train.
} I like to do it when I laugh.
} I like to do it on a calf.
} I like to do it in a cart.
} I like to do it while I fart.
} I like to make a wham-slam-bam!
} I do!  I like it!  Pam I am!


444-09    (46gb4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most esteemed Oracle, one of the few sentient beings in the
> universe who understands the ways of the female gender, my
> girlfriend of one year has left me.  I am devastated.  What
> should I do?  How can I continue? .s

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                   *  *  *  *  *               *  *  *  *  *
}               *                   *       *                   *
}             *                       *   *                       *
}            *                         * *                          *
}           *                           *                            *
}           *            Roses are red, violets are blue,            *
}           *        Lisa loves Orrie but no one loves you           *
}           *                                                        *
}            *                                                      *
}             *     Lillies are white and daffodils are yellow     *
}              *     What can you do, you unfortunate fellow?     *
}               *                                                *
}                *                                              *
}                 *     Grass is green and poppies are red     *
}                  *      Lets face it, you've blown it -     *
}                    *       you'd be better off dead       *
}                      *                                  *
}                        *                              * *
}                          *   You owe the Oracle a   *     *
}                            *    crash course in   *         *
}                              *  compassion and  *             *     *
}                                 *  sympathy   *                 *   *
}                                    *       *                      * *
}                                        *                       ******


444-10    (6gd24 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which super hero is the most disgusting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You really want to know that?  It's not a pretty story.  I'd probably
} refuse to answer, citing grounds of community standards, except that
} since you didn't grovel I'll just spit it out.  Let that be a lesson
} to you.
}
} Current mythology holds that Inside-Out Man is the most disgusting.
} Actually he is but a pale shadow.  The Hulk tends to have a rather
} unpleasant bodily odor, but it's not him either.  The Pus Man is right
} up near the top, but he can only burst over so many people at once.
} Even the much vaunted Fart Man is a mere blast of wind in the face of:
}
} Dr. Fig, with his disquieting and unpleasant power over people's
} digestive tracts.  Originally he started out as a super criminal - you
} really didn't want to be in a bank he was robbing, let me tell you.
} More recently he has turned over a new leaf and become a super hero,
} although the police seem to be reluctant to call upon him.
}
} Incidentally you should know that Dr. Fig obtained his unpleasant
} ability over others by falling into a vat of radioactive *prunes*.  Now
} there's a Jeopardy question for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.


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