} Because they have so many functions, of course!
} The following short list of buttons and their effects is from
} "The Rotarian Owner's Manual", 1992 edition. Note that these
} buttons are touch-sensitive.
} Pushing this button will start your Rotarian reminiscing about "the
} good old days". He (Rotarians are always "he") will go on at great
} length about how wonderful things were before the rise of (pick one):
} free love
} lack of respect for God and country
} Democrats and/or Liberals and/or Labour (depending on country)
} newfangled schools that don't concentrate on the "three R's"
} **Warning**: Be sure that your Rotarian has not consumed excessive
} quantities of alcoholic beverages, or he will begin to cry at this
} Pushing this button unleashes a torrent of moral indignation and
} righteous anger. Use at your own risk.
} Pushing this button will cause your Rotarian to direct you to the
} nearest bowling alley, shopping mall, fast food outlet, or movie
} PARENTAL GUIDANCE
} When this button is pushed, your Rotarian will whip out a wooden stick
} and start hitting everyone that he can see who is under the age of
} majority, all the while shouting, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!"
} CIVIC DUTY
} When you push this button, your Rotarian will immediately head to the
} nearest voting booth and exercise his democratic function. Then, he
} will go home and, depending on season, will cut his lawn, rake his
} leaves, or shovel his snow.
} When you push this button, your Rotarian will say one of the following:
} "Gosh darnit!"
} "Aw, fudge!"
} "Gee willickers!"
} It's sad, really.
} WILD BACCHANALIAN REVELRY
} Hey! All work and no play makes your Rotarian a dull boy! Pushing
} this button will send your Rotarian into a frenzy of hedonistic
} pleasure-seeking. He will immediately track down the nearest
} middle-aged woman, invite her home for a no-holds-barred game of
} Scrabble while tossing back the hot chocolate, and then, all
} inhibitions shattered, will give her a quick peck on the cheek. Hubba
} With the proper care and maintenance (a good night's sleep every night,
} and a healthy diet of meat and potatoes), your Rotarian will give you
} many years of useful service.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of an episode of "Father Knows Best", an 8x10
} glossy of Dwight David Eisenhower, and a pair of rose-coloured glasses.
} (Fascinating Rotarian Fact: when Pat Boone sings "Ain't That A Shame",
} he introduces it as "Isn't That A Shame", because he objects to the bad
} grammar in the original title. It's true! It's true!)