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Internet Oracularities #446

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446, 446-01, 446-02, 446-03, 446-04, 446-05, 446-06, 446-07, 446-08, 446-09, 446-10


Usenet Oracularities #446    (50 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 20 May 92 07:29:24 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   446
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

446   50 votes 34jg8 3bha9 4eha5 34icd 6cm82 8eia0 27egb 36jg6 6cfe3 hgd22
446   3.0 mean  3.4   3.2   3.0   3.6   2.8   2.6   3.5   3.3   2.9   2.1


446-01    (34jg8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that..
>
> "men and women were created equal, but then women
> continued to improve"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes of course it is!  In the beginning, the human species was
} released as human1.0b.  The man/woman thing was a very simple
} software switch.  But like all software projects,
} human1.0b was enhanced and improved on.  Things like external
} plumbing went away, not to mention the more subtle changes like
} getting rid of the gallons of testerone that made the old version
} so unpredictable.  However, around human12.34 it was realized
} that these enhancements had been made only to the women and
} the men were still stuck at human1.0b.
}
} You may have been in a similiar situation yourself.  You know, if
} you have just installed fortran1.4 but still have the
} old fortran1.1 hanging around "just in case."  And to be honest,
} there's still some good features of fortran1.1 that were removed
} from fortran1.4.  In the human case, it has been found that many
} of the members of human18.54 (the current release) quite like
} some the features from human1.0b.  Besides, the gallons of testerone
} make it much easier to squash yucky bugs.
}
} Several quick and dirty fixes have been introduced along the way.
} In human14.5 the standard human1.0b was used, minus the external
} plumbing.  These failed to be popular outside of sultan's harems.
} In human18.52 the plumbing was retained but the mindset was altered,
} hence the emerging Sensitive New Age Guys you may occasionally
} run across, but these are unlikely to squash bugs for you and
} hence are not completely popular either.
}
} A longer effort is in the planning to truly merge some of the better
} features from both releases while retaining the important differences.
} However, like most software projects, progress has been
} mired down by committees and endless staff meetings.  I wouldn't
} expect to see anything really good before the end of the next
} millenium.  And by then, you'll probably have to buy a new site
} license too.


446-02    (3bha9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most sharply-dressed Oracle:
>
> Who is that little man wearing my pants and why is he doing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Inside every man's pants is a little man.  He lives there, nestled in
} fur, keeping himself warm and ready for action, at which time he is
} dressed in a little latex vest (he tends to dribble a bit when taken
} out in public).  He is so shy that he actually stiffens with fear! Due
} to the fact that he lives permanently cossetted in fur, he tends to
} like being surrounded by it at all times... he will do his utmost to
} bury himself in anything furry that he encounters whilst in this
} dressed-up, scared-stiff state, so much so that he will dive into the
} recently encountered fur, then, finding that he cannot get in far
} enough, reverse out and proceed once more to dive in!  He does this
} with such fervour that he makes himself sick and then gives up,
} falling asleep and relaxing in the process.  At this point, he
} disappears back into his man's pants, staying there until the next
} time he comes out in public...
}
} The Oracle got sidetracked once again....   >sigh<


446-03    (4eha5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Shiny bubbles, in the wine,
>  make me feel happy, make me feel fine."
>
> This, O Oracle, is an ancient song of merry making,
> before CPSC geeks had the Oracle to make them feel
> happy and needed. Now you, O Oracle most effervescent,
> are the bubbles in their chocolate milk which crusts
> up VT100 keyboards so effectively. O Oracle
> inambulamnistic and poincare, please tell me:
>
> what if the bubbles are in your bloodstream?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shiny bubbles, in the blood,
} Make the heart go "Thud Thud Thud"
}
} As the bubbles go round and round,
} The heart, it stops this normal sound...
}
} As the blood begins to fizz,
} The brain itself begins to Zizzzz!
}
} Blood and bubbles, round in a loop,
} The body now begins to droop!
}
} Valves of heart, by bubbles blocked,
} Brain goes off, all half-cocked,
}
} Body falls, down to floor,
} Person now is no more.
}
} You owe the Oracle an epitaph and no flowers, by request.


446-04    (34icd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Big Oracle-type dude:
>
> What should I do if I fail all of my finals this semester?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Repeat after me:
}
} "Would you like fries with that?"
}
} You owe the oracle two burgers, a large diet coke, and an order of
} fries


446-05    (6cm82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      "Hello?" he called meekly.  His voice echoed in the scary chamber.
> The ceiling was sooty and the place smelled of lighter fluid.
>
>      "Hello!" he called more boldly this time.  "Is anyone here?"
>
>      He had been told by a fairy-girl with dainty feet that this place
> was occupied by a temperamental spirit she knew only as "Uncle Orcle",
> who could answer any question.
>
>      "Great Uncle Orcle!  I hope you can hear me.  I traveled for
> weeks to come here.  I crawled through miserable deserts by day and
> stumbled groggily over mountain ranges by night.  I ate nothing except
> one insect by accident.  I came to ask the following question:
>
> IN WHAT POSITION DO PORCUPINES MAKE LOVE?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wizened oracle gazed thoughtfully upon the child.  "I have trouble
} believing, my son, that you are truly as young as you seem."
}
} Just as the almighty <ZOT!> lay poised on his finger, Lisa cried
} "Orrie!  No! He's just a kid, and besides, there's lighter fluid in
} here."
}
} The Oracle pondered, and lowered his finger.  "I see.  Well, child,
} here is the answer to your question:
}
}       Porcupines make love in many ways,
}       As many as number warm summer days.
}       Sometimes you think they would prick themselves silly,
}       But that's what they need, a prick or a willy.
}
} You owe me the bug you ate."
}
} And the child did leave, having been enlightened.


446-06    (8eia0 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most humble oracle:
>
> How much is that gorilla in the window?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Cost of Gorilla = x + ay + bz + c
}
} The gorilla itself costs some amount x. Then there's the cost of
} feeding the gorilla, which eats several pounds of bananas a day, which
} is a days at y per pound. Then we throw in a personal pooper scooper
} for the gorilla (let's face it, you wouldn't want to scoop up his shit,
} now would you?), which costs z dollars per number of hours b.
}
} And what's c? Well, c is the amount of damage the gorilla will do on
} your house, your town, your state, and eventually, the whole world,
} which as the pet's owner, you would be reponsible for.
}
} The question you should ask yourself is -- do I really _want_ that
} gorilla in the window? Think about it.
}
} You owe the oracle some bananas, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.


446-07    (27egb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to make a lot of money,if i have nothing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They used to say, "It takes money to make money -- or a very good
} printing press."  But today, there are lots of opportunities
} available to persons like yourself to make millions and millions of
} dollars, drachmas, pesos, or lirae WITHOUT HAVING TO GET A JOB!
} Here are just a few examples:
}
} 1. Take out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell people
}    your own personal secret to making money, which happens to be
}    taking out a small ad in the local newspaper offering to sell
}    people your own personal secret to making money.
}
} 2. Send your congressman a letter stating that you possess certain
}    tapes, videos, and 8 x 10 glossy photos that he might be interested
}    in for a price.  When he pays you, send him a copy of that old Air
}    Supply tape you've been trying to get rid of and a picture from
}    your trip to Fiji.
}
} 3. Find out when the next Mafia Godfather trial is scheduled for in
}    your area (there are usually six or seven per month in New York).
}    Dress up like a judge and hang around the courtroom until three
}    men in Italian suits and designer sunglasses show up and hand you
}    an envolope full of cash.
}
} 4. Sell your neighbor's car.
}
} 5. Stand out on the street corner selling small bags of flour or
}    baking soda for extremely high prices.
}
} 6. Become a rock star.  If your backup group is loud enough, you don't
}    need any singing ability.  If you slur your words enough, you don't
}    even need to be able to write lyrics!
}
} 7. Develop a cold-fusion reactor in your basement.
}
} 8. Ask the all-knowing, great and powerful Usenet Oracle to reveal to
}    you next week's winning lottery numbers.  I would have done it in
}    this post, but you didn't grovel.
}
} 9. Become a televangelist.  All you need to start out in this lucrative
}    field is a bible, a microphone, a public-access cable station, and
}    a post-office box.
}
} 10. Go to your local hardware store and buy all of the hammers, screws,
}    toilet seats, and coffee makers that you can afford.  Sell them to
}    the Pentagon at 10000% markup.
}
} And if you use your imagination, I'm sure you can come up with dozens
} more.  You owe the Oracle 10% of all you make in the future.


446-08    (36jg6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I have but two questions that friends of mine would like
> to have answered.
>
> 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples.
>
> 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance.
>
> Could you possibly answer these questions for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples.
}
} Ah yes, well, you see, your question is well put, but sadly
} misinformed.  Men are *supposed* to have nipples.  It's women who
} shouldn't have them.  Mix-up somewhere along the evolutionary line, I'd
} expect.  Terrible cock-up. The nipple was originally designed as a
} secondary erogenous zone for the male to mitigate the fact that his
} primary zone afforded him nothing but the briefest of releases (except,
} of course, in the case of whips, chains, and sushi bars, but Lisa made
} me promise not to reveal any of that until she'd gotten the patent
} rights fixed).   Women were initially blueprinted to have breasts with
} little wooden spigots, one labeled "Hot" and one labeled "Cold". State
} of the Art being what it was at the dawn of time, fancy metals ones
} couldn't be used (I had to point this out to God or else technological
} evolution would have gone straight down the drain, so to speak, from
} the beginning).  Sadly, the blueprints for kitchen sinks, which were to
} have fancy squeeze bulbs for primitive water pressure washing, were
} somehow substituted for the female human blueprints.  Something to do
} with Adam being around when God was building sinks and said "Pass me
} the wrench". After installing nipples on Eve, Adam realized he'd made a
} mistake and dropped the "r" somewhere along the way, but by then it was
} too late (and no one's been able to improve on the design since anyway,
} so it's best to leave well enough alone).
}
} > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance.
}
} Well, anagramatically speaking, if your SO says to you "nice organ!",
} it would be bliss for you born out of "ignorance", so yes, I should
} think it is.  Depending of course, on who's turning the spigot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of milk.


446-09    (6cfe3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle betsy and melissa got some pictures of me with the thing
> and they said theyd show them to mommy if i dont do what they say and
> they keep making me poot myself while they watch and fillip them and
> poot myself and go naffy in my panties and poot myself adn do the
> limber thing with bob and poot myself to bob while they watch and
> offle them one at a time and poot myself on the floor and offle them
> both at once and poot myself again while they laugh at me and im
> cryign crying cryign but i have to poot myself again or theyll show
> mommy what can i do now oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <The Oracle is presently in Spain, posting bail for Kinzler, who was
} arrested for attempting to poot and offle during the recent Sports
} Illustrated photo shoot in Barcelona.  The Oracle regrets not being
} able to answer your question.
}
} The guest panel today will answer in the Oracle's stead.>
}
} Anne Landers:
}
} That is disgusting!  One should NEVER have one's bridesmaids wear
} different color dresses.  I suggest you drop these women immediately.
}
} Ruth Westheimer:
}
} It is a perfectly natural thing.  You do not need to be ashamed to have
} a picture of it.  And poot yourself, but only if it feels good!  Good
} poots are good, but bad poots are terrible!  And I always liked doing
} the limber thing with Bob.
}
} Carl Sagan:
}
} Ooooo!  I wish I had that picture to put on Voyager!
}
} George Bush:
}
} I blame the Democrats.  This would never have happened if you were a
} Republican.
}
} Dan Quayle:
}
} What?
}
} <We now return you to your regularly scheduled Oracularities.>


446-10    (hgd22 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle,
>
> Tell me about John E. Hovercraft, the famous Touring Award Winner and
> best-selling author beloved by millions of nerdy CS students?  Is he
> full of eels or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please!  Supplicant, do not make fun with John.  He is not full of
} eels; although he does have the nasty habit of continually asking to
} Oracle to come round to his place (bouncy bouncy).  While on the
} surface this might seem like a good grovel, it makes Lisa rather
} nervous because he never invites her.
}
} Yes, he did win a Touring Award -- I believe for the incredibly low
} price he paid for his vacation to the Philippines.  He was also the
} recipient of the slightly less well known Turing Award.
}
} You owe the Oracle that ACM collection of Turing award lectures, which
} he keeps meaning to buy but hasn't gotten around to it yet.


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