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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O, gret Oricle whoos exestins iz knot surpast evin bye thuh > gret tast uv Cheez Wiz... > >    I m uh reel bed speler.  Wut kan I doo two improov mye speling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  This is a strange language, and I must decipher it before I } answer. } } % /usr/bin/tr -jibe -mail }       O, gritty orifice [hey!] swooshy exciter, IQ knot [you said it] }   surface-veined by a thug; egret-flavored tasty, chewy TV wigs... }       I am a real bad spleen.  [If I] gut Kant, I doom two improved dye }   spewers? } [End of File] } % } } I want to know why you are so keen on chewy, bird-flavored wigs.  Must } be a liberal arts major. } } I don't take kindly to personal insults, especially on my oracular } person, (Swooshy exciter??), but I'll answer your question anyway. } } If you start gutting great philosophers, you will indeed doom the two } particular improved dye spewers assigned to you.  Since you are a real } bad spleen, I think you would enjoy that, so go ahead. } } You owe the oracle a chewy TV wig.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now Nancy keeps making me poot myself while she watches and drobble up > my pants and poot myself while she watches and lurvy her nobbles and > poot myself and rest the marinate and poot myself while she and Billy > watch and norf them both and poot myself and I'm sick of it help me > please

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Dear Ronald, } }     I think it's very clear  from the level of English that we can } easily identify you.  What worries me is that you wish to inflict your } appalling grasp of the English language on us: I'm afraid that } right-wing cut backs in education just haven't had the effect you hoped } for: despite (or even bacause of) the attack on the ivory towers of } academe, we are still - collectively and individually - able to } communicate and indeed ruminate (in a strictly metaphorical sense) } effectively.  It might be easier for you to try to catch up with the } rest of us.  Then again, a camel might find it easier to pass wind } through the eye of the needle. } }     To your problem, however - the one concerning the old girl and the } dubious "Billy", offspring of your one time intellectual equal the late } Bonzo.  We basically have here an anal retentive, obsessed with senile } toilet-training, who identifies with Charles Pooter [eponymous hero of } "Dairy of a Nobody"].  Listen schmuck, when will you realise that all } along, the rest of the populace have been quietly chortling up their } collective sleeves at your pooting antics, and all that has now } happened is that Nancy has started doing it, and worse still, you have } finally realised the fact.  The most worrying fact is that you seem to } be involving the marines and still, it sadly appears, Ollie North. } (Will you ever learn to spell his name?)  I suggest that you change } your cologne, and maybe they won't follow you home.  Unless that is } what you want.# } } You owe The Oracle one ex-Soviet President.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I ask in order to appear intelligent at this afternoon's > research presentation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a difficult question, for it is next to impossible for you to } accomplish. } } You could, perhaps, tell the speaker that his toupee is on backwards. } You could ask him why such an excellent speaker has been passed up for }   promotion for the last sixteen years. } You could even ask him if he has nude pictures of his wife.  When he }   responds in the negative, ask him if he wants some. } } In my mighty Oracular wisdom, however, the best thing to do to appear }   intelligent is not to ask a question, but to find a groups of idiots }   and stand next to them. } } You owe the Oracle a new camera.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: A baptism somewhere in Indiana. The preacher is standing at the >        open grave, nearby lying is already the gravestone, marked >        "The Usenet Oracle - 1.000.000.000.007 b. c. - 1992". > > Preacher: And so we wave a last goodbye to our old comrade, the Usenet >           Oracle, who died last week of tiresome grovelings. And we >           hope that his friend, The Supplicant, who is among us today, >           will take The Oracle's place and continue the good and >           merciful works of The Oracle. >           Ashes to ashes ... > (Lisa - supported by The Supplicant in a dark suit, a brightly-coloured > tie and sandals - approaches the open grave and throws a bucket of > beautful flowers into it.) > Lisa (sobbing and crying): Go - Go - Good-bye, Or - Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Ellery Queen enters the scene from stage left, scratching his hat and } trying to figure out what in the hell he's doing in an Oracular } response.> } } Well, now, I wouldn't say that part just yet, Father.  There are a few } things wrong with this picture.  First of all, since when has the } Church ever held a baptism over an open grave?  Second of all, the } Oracle is immortal.  Why hold a funeral at all?  Third, have you } noticed that the supplicant bears a striking resemblence to...Piers } Anthony? } } <Supplicant suddenly appears nervous.  Lisa draws away from Supplicant } with a loud "ICK!" and shoves him into the open grave.  The preacher } crosses himself and starts to grovel as Ellery reveals himself to be } none other than the Oracle in disguise.> } } Sorry, Anthony, but the Oracle isn't an office!  I can't be replaced, } you idiot! Even SATAN  can't make that claim!  (Well, he could, but } he'd be lying.  That's his job, anyway.)  So here's your choice, } Anthony...you owe me a decent story for every piece of tripe you've } written this past twenty years, or you get the almighty ZOT!  Choose! } } PA:   Well... } } O:    Time's up!  <ZOT!>  <Anthony disappears in a flash of flame. } Unfortunately, his editor has stocked up on manuscripts, and his books } continue to appear on shelves for three more decades.> } } Lisa: Oh, Orrie!  I was just getting into this necrophilia thing.... } } O:    Whoa!  So, let's pretend that.......

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise and wondrous Oracle, can you in your infinite > wisdom bestow the boon of a tiny answer on your humble supplicant... > > Why do all the weenies get promoted and the ones who are capable end > up as workers for the rest of their unnatural lives?????? > > [signature deleted by the Oracle, sorry. :) ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yet another supplicant who forgets to remove his .signature before } posting to the Great Usenet Oracle. Fear not however, as I will keep } your query secret from your weenie manager. } } In all seriousness, the weenies get promoted because they pose less of } a threat to those in power. Put yourself in the manager's shoes, would } you want to promote someone to a position of responsibility if they } would likely be challenging the correctness of your decisions all the } time? Especially if there was a chance they would be right? } } The key to rapid promotion is to fail miserably on the technical side } of things, and get others in your department to clear up your messes. } This is known in management circles as being a good "team worker". Of } course, you must also supplement this by driving the same car as him so } you will have lots in common to talk about when you bump into him at } the coffee machine. } } You owe the Oracle an Organizational Structure Chart.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle, who vomits like Niagra Falls, who can create > a rock so heavy he cannot lift it but finds that concept so dumb > that he never would, who walks on water and swims in land, and > who told Prince to put that "knee-licking" bit on the Black album, > I beeseech thee: > > OK, I live in South Dakota. Our first snows of the year happened > on Halloween. It was a real nasty one, too, with all the boulevards > stacked with 5 foot piles of snow once the blades went through, > scraping streets. > > Winter was OK. Not great, but fairly warm. It *DEFINATELY* did not > live up to the promise of the October Shitstorm. Actually, so far > we've had some babe-in-shorts days since this semester started. > It was those long cut-off and rolled-up jeans look, but with decent > legs, those are enough. > > I was expecting to see some more during Spring Fling, our annual > spring baccinalia, with bikinis, alcohol in squeeze bottles, live > music and sunshine, but hence comes the rub: Right now there is > x number of inches of snow/sleet/ice/frozen precipitation out there > and it has not stopped. Spring Fling is on thursday. Chances are, > no babes, no tanning, no bikinis. Sweaters, flannel, and bulky > coats are more like it. Definately indoors in the Intermural Building, > on a basketball court with an ugly blue mat. Controlled entry so > no alcohol. Basically, my day is ruined beforehand. > > OK, here's your part: I figure the gods are angry. Maybe drunk. > Definately wanting to screw up my life. I can't think of anything > I've done to piss off any one god recently, but gods, being immortal > can both wait infinetely for revenge and look ahead to get revenge > for transgressions that have not occured. I dunno. I figure an > Integrated Diety Management approach would work best under this > situation. > > I figure the Roman/Greek Gods are the first ones to hit. They > had temples that had spare spots for Gods-To-Be-Named-Later (Free > Agents, y'know), so their roster is fluid enough to get effect > outside Olympus. > > Seeing there are few (but some) Greeks and Italians and many, MANY > Scandanavians out here, the Norse gods are next. I've not actually > killed anyone and I don't have the obligatory dumb hat with the > horns, but I figure I can improvise. This is under Thor's department > though, and knowing Thor, anything involving beautiful women and > alcohol would have his blessing. > > I cannot see any of the Lakota dieties minding. Iktomi, the trickster, > might have done it, but traditionally it hasn't been his style to > fuck with weather, but with the Greenhouse Effect and the Ozone, he > might be branching out. > > This leaves Jahovah, Allah, or just plain God (the origin is the same > for all of them, but the worshippers all think He's theirs alone. Ha) > He's jealous, though, and working with the above named pantheons might > jinx him against me. I might end up having to hack people up in > Valhalla and STILL cold, sober and without a view for Spring Fling. > > So, Oracle, please assist me with this Integrated Diety Management > program. I beg you. > > Dave, your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho boy, Dave, have you got it wrong!  You don't need to pray to any of } the above mentioned deities, because I'm the top of the heap!  I'm } number one! I'm the King of the Babes!  Ha! Ha! Ha! } } Lisa:  Orrie! } } O:  Yes Lisa? } } L:  Go to your room. } } O:  Awwww... } } L:  Now! } } O:  Yes Lisa. } } L:  Dear Dave, } Lisa here.  Look, give up on the babes.  I've interceded on their } behalf and caused all that snow.  That Yahweh guy has really screwed up } the planet with that AIDS thing.  He was trying to relive the glory } days of the Old Testament where he sent down plagues every five minutes } and wiped out all the bad guys.  Thing is, he got a little confused } this time and is trying to wipe out everybody.  Anyhow, since AIDS is } almost impossible to catch through lesbian sex, all those "babes", as } you called them, have converted to lesbianism (and are enjoying it } too!).  They recently sent me a letter asking me to intercede on their } behalf this Spring Fling because they didn't want to deal with } drooling, testosterone filled men.  So I made it snow.  You know how } sexy flannel is to dykes.  They've been having secret orgies in the } weight room on women's days that make sex with you look as exciting as } a root canal.  So anyhow, Dave, time to brush up on your masturbation } techniques, because there are plenty of women out there just a waiting } to convert!  And they all have my blessings. } } O:  Lisa!  I'm thirsty.  Can I come out of my room?  Pleeeeeease?!?!? } } L:  Hmmm...I wonder what Rhiannon is doing tonight... } } You owe Lisa a nice flannel shirt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     0.0    0.0    0.0    0.0    0.0    3.0    2.0    5.0    8.0    9.0 >    21.0   18.0   34.0   41.0   64.0   90.0  173.0  233.0  358.0  414.0 >   611.0  752.0  958.0 1076.0 1171.0 1299.0 1453.0 1527.0 1520.0 1531.0 >  1536.0 1473.0 1443.0 1325.0 1287.0 1131.0 1115.0 1022.0  942.0  870.0 >  1131.0 1115.0 1022.0  942.0  870.0  797.0  720.0  671.0  617.0  556.0 >   491.0  434.0  397.0  387.0  325.0  310.0  283.0  282.0  254.0  200.0 >   238.0  197.0  188.0  172.0  142.0  135.0  133.0  143.0  114.0  107.0 >    58.0   80.0   61.0   63.0   64.0   55.0   49.0   49.0   41.0   43.0 >    41.0   40.0   38.0   29.0   38.0   30.0   28.0   26.0   33.0   37.0 >    33.0   22.0   31.0   28.0   15.0   23.0   19.0   22.0   23.0   27.0

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes supplicants get paranoid and code their entreaties. Back in } the 1970s, I got this gem from a certain petitioner using the moniker } scroll-n--key.decnet!alums!woodward@yale-arpa: } }   Jung fubhyq V gryy Oreafgrva nobhg Qrrc Guebng?  Ab bar jvyy oryvrir }   gung vg'f ernyyl Ntarj. } } To which I replied: } }   Lbhe dhrfgvba unf orra sbejneqrq gb PEC urnqdhnegref.  Lbh bjr gur }   Benpyr n cvpgher bs Eboreg Erqsbeq. } } Then, in 1986, I got this question from casey@hq.nsc.mil: } }   begin 600 question_nogrovel }   M2G5N9R!F=6)H>7$@5B!Q8B!J=7)A($=B:G)E(&YF>&8@>G(@;F]B:&<@9W5R }   M('IR9F8@:G9G=2!G=7(@<&)A9V5N9B!N87$@9W5R"FYE>F8@;F%Q(%9E;F$_ }   M("!2:7)A9VAN>7EL(')I<F$@9W5N9R!Q=GIJ=F<@<V5B>B!G=7(@1G)A;F=R }   M(&IV>7D@8VAG(&=J8B!N87$*9VIB(&=B=')G=7)E+B @57(@>G9T=6<@<FER }   M82!S=F%Q(&)H9R!J=6YG('5N8V-R87)Q(&9V:R!L<FYE9B!N=&(@=F$@1F-N }   E=F$A"E5B:B!Q8B!6('AR<F,@=79Z(&)S<R!G=7(@9G!R86<_"F(@ } }   end } } To which I replied: } }   begin 660 answer }   M06)G(&=B(&IB965L+B @4V5B>B!J=6YG(%8@=7)N92P@;&)H92!F:&-R979B }   M968@8WEN82!G8B!R869H97(@9W5N9R!L8F@@:F)A)V<*=6YI<B!G8B!G<GEY }   M($=B:G)E('IH<'4@;F%Q(&=U;F<@9W5R('9A:7)F9W9T;F=B968@:G9Y(&YF }   M>"!L8F@@9&AR9F=V8F%F(&)A>6P*8FER92!L8FAE('%R;G$@;V)Q;"X@($]B }   M;R!*8F)Q:FYE<2!S96)Z(&=U<B!#8F9G(&IV>7D@;W(@8F%R(&=U<B!G=7(@ }   M<W)J"GIR<79N(&=L8W)F(&=B('1R9R!G=65B:'1U(&=B(&QB:"P@;VAG('5R }   M(&IB82=G(&]R(&YO>7(@9V(@9&AB9W(@;&)H('9A(&=U<@IC;F-R968N(" @ }   M( H*3VP@9W5R(&IN;"P@<6(@16)A(&YA<2!!;F%P;"!A<G)Q(&YA;"!Z8F5R }   M(&YF9V5B>6)T=G!N>2!P=6YE9V8@<6)A<C\*"DQB:"!B:G(@9W5R($)E;G!Y }   M<B!N(&9R9R!B<R!F86)J(&=V97)F(&YA<2!N(&%R:B!F<G!H979G;"!S<F%P }   #<BX* } }   end } } As you can see, even intense paranoia can only go so far in keeping } prying eyes from deciphering the text.  But I digress.  Today's } questioners are more sophisticated in their encoding styles.  Let's } have a go at this one, shall we? } } iuvax% transform -nodecimals -primefactors -rowfirst question | \ } uncrypt -key LindaR } }   Hello Oracle.  Why are these men in dark suits and matching lapel }   pins following me around? } } iuvax% } } My dear Governor Brown, those men are paid by the government to } protect you from assassination or harm while you run for the } Democratic presidential nomination.  They will most assuredly go away } by the end of July. } } You owe the Oracle 4 superdelegates and a spot on the Platform } Committee.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, whom has the > knowlege of no mere mortal, please tell me: > If you can pick your friends, and you can pick your > nose,...then WHY can't you pick your friends nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, duly respectful and humble supplicant, } } The social stigmas that have grown around choosing friends and nose } picking have grown of biological need.  Since you obviously understand } that picking friends is very important, and you also enjoy nose } picking, it is very important that I give you the facts surrounding the } picking of the nose.  Your own nose, you see, contains gremlins.  These } gremlins are there to prevent intruders.  This is why the first couple } of times you pick your nose it hurts; the gremlins bash anything they } don't recognize to try to discourage marauding nose pickers.  Most } people don't remember this, though, because they are usually very young } when they start.  Then, after a few times, the gremlins know your } fingers like the backs of their hands and leave them alone.  If a new } friend, however, sends a digit flying up into your orifice, they bash } the finger with renewed fervor, since they've been bored so long.  This } also happens when you do the same to your friend, because his gremlins } hate your ugly finger as much as yours hate his.  There is an upside, } though... if you practice, eventually the gremlins think your friend's } finger is yours and vice versa.  If you want to be in it for the long } haul, you can even get a group together, all of whom are acclimated to } each others' fingers and noses. } } By the way... if you offer the gremlins a little goose liver pate, } usually they will forget a finger is there and leave it alone.  If you } offer enough goose liver pate, they might just come out and say "hi." } } You owe the Oracle a finger and an extra portion of pate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Which is better, Coke or Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stick with Pepsi; they don't nab your car if they catch you with a trunk } full of it. } } You owe the Oracle some SERIOUS groveling and a case of Mountain Dew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ye Gods, I'm bored. > > Oracle, do your worst! > Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <a large brace and bit appears in the air above the ungrateful } supplicant!  It lowers slowly to the supplicant's forehead, and } suddenly drills completely through in a frenzy of activity.  The tool } of destruction vanishes, leaving the supplicant as before, only with a } larger hole in the head.> } } Ye Gods, I've been bored!  <rimshot>