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Internet Oracularities #447

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447, 447-01, 447-02, 447-03, 447-04, 447-05, 447-06, 447-07, 447-08, 447-09, 447-10


Usenet Oracularities #447    (34 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 26 May 92 09:59:55 -0500

@@@ For those of you who have received multiple copies of the Digests,
@@@ and you know who you are, be happy that the mailer problems at iuvax
@@@ may be fixed in an upcoming revision of sendmail.  Right now, if
@@@ iuvax gets rebooted while it is sending out a digest, it starts over
@@@ from the top of the list... :(
@@@ Good luck and have a pleasant tomorrow! --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   447
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

447   34 votes 495b5 8ac31 2ad36 36ea1 1af71 79792 33eb3 3b992 6a936 45f64
447   2.9 mean  3.1   2.4   3.0   3.0   2.9   2.7   3.2   2.9   2.8   3.0


447-01    (495b5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O, gret Oricle whoos exestins iz knot surpast evin bye thuh
> gret tast uv Cheez Wiz...
>
>    I m uh reel bed speler.  Wut kan I doo two improov mye speling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  This is a strange language, and I must decipher it before I
} answer.
}
} % /usr/bin/tr -jibe -mail
}       O, gritty orifice [hey!] swooshy exciter, IQ knot [you said it]
}   surface-veined by a thug; egret-flavored tasty, chewy TV wigs...
}       I am a real bad spleen.  [If I] gut Kant, I doom two improved dye
}   spewers?
} [End of File]
} %
}
} I want to know why you are so keen on chewy, bird-flavored wigs.  Must
} be a liberal arts major.
}
} I don't take kindly to personal insults, especially on my oracular
} person, (Swooshy exciter??), but I'll answer your question anyway.
}
} If you start gutting great philosophers, you will indeed doom the two
} particular improved dye spewers assigned to you.  Since you are a real
} bad spleen, I think you would enjoy that, so go ahead.
}
} You owe the oracle a chewy TV wig.


447-02    (8ac31 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now Nancy keeps making me poot myself while she watches and drobble up
> my pants and poot myself while she watches and lurvy her nobbles and
> poot myself and rest the marinate and poot myself while she and Billy
> watch and norf them both and poot myself and I'm sick of it help me
> please

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Dear Ronald,
}
}     I think it's very clear  from the level of English that we can
} easily identify you.  What worries me is that you wish to inflict your
} appalling grasp of the English language on us: I'm afraid that
} right-wing cut backs in education just haven't had the effect you hoped
} for: despite (or even bacause of) the attack on the ivory towers of
} academe, we are still - collectively and individually - able to
} communicate and indeed ruminate (in a strictly metaphorical sense)
} effectively.  It might be easier for you to try to catch up with the
} rest of us.  Then again, a camel might find it easier to pass wind
} through the eye of the needle.
}
}     To your problem, however - the one concerning the old girl and the
} dubious "Billy", offspring of your one time intellectual equal the late
} Bonzo.  We basically have here an anal retentive, obsessed with senile
} toilet-training, who identifies with Charles Pooter [eponymous hero of
} "Dairy of a Nobody"].  Listen schmuck, when will you realise that all
} along, the rest of the populace have been quietly chortling up their
} collective sleeves at your pooting antics, and all that has now
} happened is that Nancy has started doing it, and worse still, you have
} finally realised the fact.  The most worrying fact is that you seem to
} be involving the marines and still, it sadly appears, Ollie North.
} (Will you ever learn to spell his name?)  I suggest that you change
} your cologne, and maybe they won't follow you home.  Unless that is
} what you want.#
}
} You owe The Oracle one ex-Soviet President.


447-03    (2ad36 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I ask in order to appear intelligent at this afternoon's
> research presentation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a difficult question, for it is next to impossible for you to
} accomplish.
}
} You could, perhaps, tell the speaker that his toupee is on backwards.
} You could ask him why such an excellent speaker has been passed up for
}   promotion for the last sixteen years.
} You could even ask him if he has nude pictures of his wife.  When he
}   responds in the negative, ask him if he wants some.
}
} In my mighty Oracular wisdom, however, the best thing to do to appear
}   intelligent is not to ask a question, but to find a groups of idiots
}   and stand next to them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new camera.


447-04    (36ea1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: A baptism somewhere in Indiana. The preacher is standing at the
>        open grave, nearby lying is already the gravestone, marked
>        "The Usenet Oracle - 1.000.000.000.007 b. c. - 1992".
>
> Preacher: And so we wave a last goodbye to our old comrade, the Usenet
>           Oracle, who died last week of tiresome grovelings. And we
>           hope that his friend, The Supplicant, who is among us today,
>           will take The Oracle's place and continue the good and
>           merciful works of The Oracle.
>           Ashes to ashes ...
> (Lisa - supported by The Supplicant in a dark suit, a brightly-coloured
> tie and sandals - approaches the open grave and throws a bucket of
> beautful flowers into it.)
> Lisa (sobbing and crying): Go - Go - Good-bye, Or - Orrie!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Ellery Queen enters the scene from stage left, scratching his hat and
} trying to figure out what in the hell he's doing in an Oracular
} response.>
}
} Well, now, I wouldn't say that part just yet, Father.  There are a few
} things wrong with this picture.  First of all, since when has the
} Church ever held a baptism over an open grave?  Second of all, the
} Oracle is immortal.  Why hold a funeral at all?  Third, have you
} noticed that the supplicant bears a striking resemblence to...Piers
} Anthony?
}
} <Supplicant suddenly appears nervous.  Lisa draws away from Supplicant
} with a loud "ICK!" and shoves him into the open grave.  The preacher
} crosses himself and starts to grovel as Ellery reveals himself to be
} none other than the Oracle in disguise.>
}
} Sorry, Anthony, but the Oracle isn't an office!  I can't be replaced,
} you idiot! Even SATAN  can't make that claim!  (Well, he could, but
} he'd be lying.  That's his job, anyway.)  So here's your choice,
} Anthony...you owe me a decent story for every piece of tripe you've
} written this past twenty years, or you get the almighty ZOT!  Choose!
}
} PA:   Well...
}
} O:    Time's up!  <ZOT!>  <Anthony disappears in a flash of flame.
} Unfortunately, his editor has stocked up on manuscripts, and his books
} continue to appear on shelves for three more decades.>
}
} Lisa: Oh, Orrie!  I was just getting into this necrophilia thing....
}
} O:    Whoa!  So, let's pretend that.......


447-05    (1af71 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise and wondrous Oracle, can you in your infinite
> wisdom bestow the boon of a tiny answer on your humble supplicant...
>
> Why do all the weenies get promoted and the ones who are capable end
> up as workers for the rest of their unnatural lives??????
>
> [signature deleted by the Oracle, sorry. :) ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yet another supplicant who forgets to remove his .signature before
} posting to the Great Usenet Oracle. Fear not however, as I will keep
} your query secret from your weenie manager.
}
} In all seriousness, the weenies get promoted because they pose less of
} a threat to those in power. Put yourself in the manager's shoes, would
} you want to promote someone to a position of responsibility if they
} would likely be challenging the correctness of your decisions all the
} time? Especially if there was a chance they would be right?
}
} The key to rapid promotion is to fail miserably on the technical side
} of things, and get others in your department to clear up your messes.
} This is known in management circles as being a good "team worker". Of
} course, you must also supplement this by driving the same car as him so
} you will have lots in common to talk about when you bump into him at
} the coffee machine.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Organizational Structure Chart.


447-06    (79792 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Great Oracle, who vomits like Niagra Falls, who can create
> a rock so heavy he cannot lift it but finds that concept so dumb
> that he never would, who walks on water and swims in land, and
> who told Prince to put that "knee-licking" bit on the Black album,
> I beeseech thee:
>
> OK, I live in South Dakota. Our first snows of the year happened
> on Halloween. It was a real nasty one, too, with all the boulevards
> stacked with 5 foot piles of snow once the blades went through,
> scraping streets.
>
> Winter was OK. Not great, but fairly warm. It *DEFINATELY* did not
> live up to the promise of the October Shitstorm. Actually, so far
> we've had some babe-in-shorts days since this semester started.
> It was those long cut-off and rolled-up jeans look, but with decent
> legs, those are enough.
>
> I was expecting to see some more during Spring Fling, our annual
> spring baccinalia, with bikinis, alcohol in squeeze bottles, live
> music and sunshine, but hence comes the rub: Right now there is
> x number of inches of snow/sleet/ice/frozen precipitation out there
> and it has not stopped. Spring Fling is on thursday. Chances are,
> no babes, no tanning, no bikinis. Sweaters, flannel, and bulky
> coats are more like it. Definately indoors in the Intermural Building,
> on a basketball court with an ugly blue mat. Controlled entry so
> no alcohol. Basically, my day is ruined beforehand.
>
> OK, here's your part: I figure the gods are angry. Maybe drunk.
> Definately wanting to screw up my life. I can't think of anything
> I've done to piss off any one god recently, but gods, being immortal
> can both wait infinetely for revenge and look ahead to get revenge
> for transgressions that have not occured. I dunno. I figure an
> Integrated Diety Management approach would work best under this
> situation.
>
> I figure the Roman/Greek Gods are the first ones to hit. They
> had temples that had spare spots for Gods-To-Be-Named-Later (Free
> Agents, y'know), so their roster is fluid enough to get effect
> outside Olympus.
>
> Seeing there are few (but some) Greeks and Italians and many, MANY
> Scandanavians out here, the Norse gods are next. I've not actually
> killed anyone and I don't have the obligatory dumb hat with the
> horns, but I figure I can improvise. This is under Thor's department
> though, and knowing Thor, anything involving beautiful women and
> alcohol would have his blessing.
>
> I cannot see any of the Lakota dieties minding. Iktomi, the trickster,
> might have done it, but traditionally it hasn't been his style to
> fuck with weather, but with the Greenhouse Effect and the Ozone, he
> might be branching out.
>
> This leaves Jahovah, Allah, or just plain God (the origin is the same
> for all of them, but the worshippers all think He's theirs alone. Ha)
> He's jealous, though, and working with the above named pantheons might
> jinx him against me. I might end up having to hack people up in
> Valhalla and STILL cold, sober and without a view for Spring Fling.
>
> So, Oracle, please assist me with this Integrated Diety Management
> program. I beg you.
>
> Dave, your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho boy, Dave, have you got it wrong!  You don't need to pray to any of
} the above mentioned deities, because I'm the top of the heap!  I'm
} number one! I'm the King of the Babes!  Ha! Ha! Ha!
}
} Lisa:  Orrie!
}
} O:  Yes Lisa?
}
} L:  Go to your room.
}
} O:  Awwww...
}
} L:  Now!
}
} O:  Yes Lisa.
}
} L:  Dear Dave,
} Lisa here.  Look, give up on the babes.  I've interceded on their
} behalf and caused all that snow.  That Yahweh guy has really screwed up
} the planet with that AIDS thing.  He was trying to relive the glory
} days of the Old Testament where he sent down plagues every five minutes
} and wiped out all the bad guys.  Thing is, he got a little confused
} this time and is trying to wipe out everybody.  Anyhow, since AIDS is
} almost impossible to catch through lesbian sex, all those "babes", as
} you called them, have converted to lesbianism (and are enjoying it
} too!).  They recently sent me a letter asking me to intercede on their
} behalf this Spring Fling because they didn't want to deal with
} drooling, testosterone filled men.  So I made it snow.  You know how
} sexy flannel is to dykes.  They've been having secret orgies in the
} weight room on women's days that make sex with you look as exciting as
} a root canal.  So anyhow, Dave, time to brush up on your masturbation
} techniques, because there are plenty of women out there just a waiting
} to convert!  And they all have my blessings.
}
} O:  Lisa!  I'm thirsty.  Can I come out of my room?  Pleeeeeease?!?!?
}
} L:  Hmmm...I wonder what Rhiannon is doing tonight...
}
} You owe Lisa a nice flannel shirt.


447-07    (33eb3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     0.0    0.0    0.0    0.0    0.0    3.0    2.0    5.0    8.0    9.0
>    21.0   18.0   34.0   41.0   64.0   90.0  173.0  233.0  358.0  414.0
>   611.0  752.0  958.0 1076.0 1171.0 1299.0 1453.0 1527.0 1520.0 1531.0
>  1536.0 1473.0 1443.0 1325.0 1287.0 1131.0 1115.0 1022.0  942.0  870.0
>  1131.0 1115.0 1022.0  942.0  870.0  797.0  720.0  671.0  617.0  556.0
>   491.0  434.0  397.0  387.0  325.0  310.0  283.0  282.0  254.0  200.0
>   238.0  197.0  188.0  172.0  142.0  135.0  133.0  143.0  114.0  107.0
>    58.0   80.0   61.0   63.0   64.0   55.0   49.0   49.0   41.0   43.0
>    41.0   40.0   38.0   29.0   38.0   30.0   28.0   26.0   33.0   37.0
>    33.0   22.0   31.0   28.0   15.0   23.0   19.0   22.0   23.0   27.0

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes supplicants get paranoid and code their entreaties. Back in
} the 1970s, I got this gem from a certain petitioner using the moniker
} scroll-n--key.decnet!alums!woodward@yale-arpa:
}
}   Jung fubhyq V gryy Oreafgrva nobhg Qrrc Guebng?  Ab bar jvyy oryvrir
}   gung vg'f ernyyl Ntarj.
}
} To which I replied:
}
}   Lbhe dhrfgvba unf orra sbejneqrq gb PEC urnqdhnegref.  Lbh bjr gur
}   Benpyr n cvpgher bs Eboreg Erqsbeq.
}
} Then, in 1986, I got this question from casey@hq.nsc.mil:
}
}   begin 600 question_nogrovel
}   M2G5N9R!F=6)H>7$@5B!Q8B!J=7)A($=B:G)E(&YF>&8@>G(@;F]B:&<@9W5R
}   M('IR9F8@:G9G=2!G=7(@<&)A9V5N9B!N87$@9W5R"FYE>F8@;F%Q(%9E;F$_
}   M("!2:7)A9VAN>7EL(')I<F$@9W5N9R!Q=GIJ=F<@<V5B>B!G=7(@1G)A;F=R
}   M(&IV>7D@8VAG(&=J8B!N87$*9VIB(&=B=')G=7)E+B @57(@>G9T=6<@<FER
}   M82!S=F%Q(&)H9R!J=6YG('5N8V-R87)Q(&9V:R!L<FYE9B!N=&(@=F$@1F-N
}   E=F$A"E5B:B!Q8B!6('AR<F,@=79Z(&)S<R!G=7(@9G!R86<_"F(@
}
}   end
}
} To which I replied:
}
}   begin 660 answer
}   M06)G(&=B(&IB965L+B @4V5B>B!J=6YG(%8@=7)N92P@;&)H92!F:&-R979B
}   M968@8WEN82!G8B!R869H97(@9W5N9R!L8F@@:F)A)V<*=6YI<B!G8B!G<GEY
}   M($=B:G)E('IH<'4@;F%Q(&=U;F<@9W5R('9A:7)F9W9T;F=B968@:G9Y(&YF
}   M>"!L8F@@9&AR9F=V8F%F(&)A>6P*8FER92!L8FAE('%R;G$@;V)Q;"X@($]B
}   M;R!*8F)Q:FYE<2!S96)Z(&=U<B!#8F9G(&IV>7D@;W(@8F%R(&=U<B!G=7(@
}   M<W)J"GIR<79N(&=L8W)F(&=B('1R9R!G=65B:'1U(&=B(&QB:"P@;VAG('5R
}   M(&IB82=G(&]R(&YO>7(@9V(@9&AB9W(@;&)H('9A(&=U<@IC;F-R968N(" @
}   M( H*3VP@9W5R(&IN;"P@<6(@16)A(&YA<2!!;F%P;"!A<G)Q(&YA;"!Z8F5R
}   M(&YF9V5B>6)T=G!N>2!P=6YE9V8@<6)A<C\*"DQB:"!B:G(@9W5R($)E;G!Y
}   M<B!N(&9R9R!B<R!F86)J(&=V97)F(&YA<2!N(&%R:B!F<G!H979G;"!S<F%P
}   #<BX*
}
}   end
}
} As you can see, even intense paranoia can only go so far in keeping
} prying eyes from deciphering the text.  But I digress.  Today's
} questioners are more sophisticated in their encoding styles.  Let's
} have a go at this one, shall we?
}
} iuvax% transform -nodecimals -primefactors -rowfirst question | \
} uncrypt -key LindaR
}
}   Hello Oracle.  Why are these men in dark suits and matching lapel
}   pins following me around?
}
} iuvax%
}
} My dear Governor Brown, those men are paid by the government to
} protect you from assassination or harm while you run for the
} Democratic presidential nomination.  They will most assuredly go away
} by the end of July.
}
} You owe the Oracle 4 superdelegates and a spot on the Platform
} Committee.


447-08    (3b992 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, whom has the
> knowlege of no mere mortal, please tell me:
> If you can pick your friends, and you can pick your
> nose,...then WHY can't you pick your friends nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, duly respectful and humble supplicant,
}
} The social stigmas that have grown around choosing friends and nose
} picking have grown of biological need.  Since you obviously understand
} that picking friends is very important, and you also enjoy nose
} picking, it is very important that I give you the facts surrounding the
} picking of the nose.  Your own nose, you see, contains gremlins.  These
} gremlins are there to prevent intruders.  This is why the first couple
} of times you pick your nose it hurts; the gremlins bash anything they
} don't recognize to try to discourage marauding nose pickers.  Most
} people don't remember this, though, because they are usually very young
} when they start.  Then, after a few times, the gremlins know your
} fingers like the backs of their hands and leave them alone.  If a new
} friend, however, sends a digit flying up into your orifice, they bash
} the finger with renewed fervor, since they've been bored so long.  This
} also happens when you do the same to your friend, because his gremlins
} hate your ugly finger as much as yours hate his.  There is an upside,
} though... if you practice, eventually the gremlins think your friend's
} finger is yours and vice versa.  If you want to be in it for the long
} haul, you can even get a group together, all of whom are acclimated to
} each others' fingers and noses.
}
} By the way... if you offer the gremlins a little goose liver pate,
} usually they will forget a finger is there and leave it alone.  If you
} offer enough goose liver pate, they might just come out and say "hi."
}
} You owe the Oracle a finger and an extra portion of pate.


447-09    (6a936 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Which is better, Coke or Pepsi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stick with Pepsi; they don't nab your car if they catch you with a trunk
} full of it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some SERIOUS groveling and a case of Mountain Dew.


447-10    (45f64 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ye Gods, I'm bored.
>
> Oracle, do your worst!
> Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <a large brace and bit appears in the air above the ungrateful
} supplicant!  It lowers slowly to the supplicant's forehead, and
} suddenly drills completely through in a frenzy of activity.  The tool
} of destruction vanishes, leaving the supplicant as before, only with a
} larger hole in the head.>
}
} Ye Gods, I've been bored!  <rimshot>


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