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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:57:51 GMT

Internet Oracularities #448

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448, 448-01, 448-02, 448-03, 448-04, 448-05, 448-06, 448-07, 448-08, 448-09, 448-10


Usenet Oracularities #448    (29 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 27 May 92 07:47:48 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   448
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

448   29 votes 27d52 37a81 3bb31 35b82 6c551 49a60 27c53 27aa0 36a64 46b71
448   2.8 mean  2.9   2.9   2.6   3.0   2.4   2.6   3.0   3.0   3.1   2.8


448-01    (27d52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> For your displeasure, Oracle dearest, I pose this simple but
> far-reaching question:
>
> What makes you think you know all the answers?
>
> I Remain, Your Most Insolent Servant,
> Gleep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grr... not even that poor allusion to Phantom of the Opera can save you
} from this <smite>... but, first, your answer.
}
} I do not _know_ all the answers; (aww, gawsh, this is the real
} embarrassin' part)...
}
} When I was a pledge at Gamma Omicron Delta fraternity at Ethereal U., I
} partook of a little too much ambrosia one night...  the next day I woke
} up with the answers to every question mortals have ever, are now, or
} will ever ask tattooed on some of the oddest parts of my body...  and a
} ringing hangover.
}
} Since then I've learned how to cover them up (a Greek Bronze base #23
} works wonders), but when I get a question, I just rub off the makeup,
} like one of those scratch and win games.
}
} You owe the Oracle your best guess as to where THIS answer came from.


448-02    (37a81 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh incredibly powerful and gainfully employed mighty master of all
> useful knowledge, please answer my poor, sniveling query with the same
> dignity and grace that I know you possess in quantities:
>
> Is there any easy way to get a booger off the end of your finger
> without any Kleenex or paper goods handy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rise off thy knees supplicant and I shall answer thy most humble of
} questions.
}
} If you have asked this of the oracle in desperation because there is as
} I answer a hardening crusty bit adorning your digit, then you just
} plain out of luck.  The only other method that doesn't involve freon or
} liquid nitrogen is to simply eat the little critter.  This is not
} feasible, though, because boogers contain a chemical that is toxic to
} anyone over the age of eight.  If you have a hungry six year old
} nearby, then you are not quite so out of luck, but most children are
} too busy eating their own to worry about yours.  The best solution is
} to take adequate preventative measures, like either having adequate
} paper products on hand or convincing someone else to pick your nose for
} you. If you follow the latter route, however, make sure it isn't a
} friend you leave holding the crunchy bit.  It isn't for nothing that
} the wisdom of the hills allows you to pick your friends and pick your
} nose, but you cannot pick your friend's nose.
}
} You owe the oracle a full box of Kleenex (or a healthy six year old
} with no mucous of his/her own)


448-03    (3bb31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life as we know it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a very good question.  Unfortunately, that kind of information
} is eyes-only to even the highest of immortals, and I could tell you,
} but the I'd have to <ZOT> you...
}
} OK, well, um, if you don't tell anyoine, I won't.
}
} OK, Life as you (I assume you mean mortals) know it is the result of
} one of Lisa's kitchen adventures.  She had just finished simmering the
} primordial soup when yours truly started putting the Oracular moves on
} her.
}
} Needless to say, when we emerged three days later, the primordial soup
} had cooked out over and dripped onto this little dust ball under the
} fridge.  I think you know it better as "Earth."
}
} voia.  Instant Voltaire, Dostoevsky, and Metallica, as you know it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new recipe for primordial soup.


448-04    (35b82 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, It is an honor to have you answer my questions, and my
> family is honored four generations into the past, and nine into the
> future!
>
> My daughter has one of those dribbly-dribbly things, you know, with
> the red oil, heavier than water, which slowly runs to the bottom.
> Why is she obsessed with this dribbly-dribbly thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear pweshus suppwicant:
}
} The darling little bitty dribbly-dribbly things are the mental
} pacifiers of our modern time.
}
} Long, long ago, far before you were born, people just like you were so
} much less knowledgeable about fluid viscocity and specific gravity.  So
} when they had to relax, they used less complex things.  Some would try
} to soothe themselves by watching rockslides.  Others would stab the top
} of a dinosaur (oooh!) to be calmed by watching the spray of blood.  Of
} course, they didn't have fountains in those days either.
}
} And then something happened!  It was a long time ago, but not as long
} a time ago as that.  It was still before you were born, though.  People
} learned that they could simply pour sand from one hand to the other and
} be calmed by watching the sand flow and by feeling the grit rub over
} the skin.
}
} Some time after that, atomic clocks were invented.  They weren't as
} much fun to watch as hourglasses or that thing with the little balls
} hanging off string that go tick-tick-tick, so people began returning to
} their primitive desires to watch things fall or hit each other.  But
} because so much time had passed, the world was a much more crowded
} place than it used to be and so people can't start avalanches for fun.
} And all the dinosaurs are dead so people couldn't go kill them.  So
} mankind used its bottomless depths of invention and created hourglasses
} out of all sorts of substances, so that people wouldn't be bored by
} watching just one kind.  And they made that thing with the little balls
} that go tick-tictick.  While they were at it, they also invented such
} things as bar graphs so that you can watch something entertaining and
} soothing while trying to configure Windows 3.1 for the fifth time.
}
} The answer to your question is this:  People have always been
} mesmerized by unsophisticated trivial toys.  They help to fill a void
} in an otherwise overly busy life.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those wind-up chattering teeth.


448-05    (6c551 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the colour of love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yours is mauve, I'm afraid.


448-06    (49a60 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh omnipresent Oracle, who can juggle with a hacksaw, a two-handed
> sword and a bottle of Cutty Sark whisky. Awaiting instructions.
> Your humble servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THROW YOUR KEYBOARD AGAINST THE WALL *RIGHT NOW*!!!
}
} (I didn't think you'd do it)
}
} You owe the Oracle a new keYboa%d.


448-07    (27c53 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh omnieverything Oracle, whose intestines are more beautiful
> than Cindy Crawford's. What about this oh glorious oracle in
> the universe for having the benefit to submerge themselves
> into your eternal wisdom. I am not worthy to do anything with.
> Whose any part of their mail to you with "ask me" or "askme"
> in the disk cumpartment uf my cumputer. The drive is happily
> chewing my knockles. Is there something like (a four-legged
> human).
> The light became stronger, and the windows were all dark.
> Nothing seemed to have happened inside the house. What does
> all of this mean ?
> The middle of the lack of abscense of anything missing from
> my unability to reproduce not unknown faulty situations in
> the message part of the pacific ocean.
> Approximate position:
> 20 degrees south, somewhere in between Austraila and Chile.
> I found a piece of junk. You are a piece of paper, an empty
> wine bottle, a cork and a bright and shining guidance to all
> your humble servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you are done reading this, Here's what I want you to do.
} Go either home or to the nearest supermarket, wherever is closest.
} Get some Orange Juice. Remember to watch for traffic, and the
} white lines are CROSSWALKS, not white snakes trying to bite your
} soul. Got me? Good.
}
} Now, go home, or someplace equally comfortable and quiet. Go
} quickly, but not over any established speed limit. Hurry toward
} your goal, but to not feel threatened by that guy behind you.
} He is merely sharing your direction. He is NOT a CIA agent sent
} to follow your every move.
}
} Once you get home, play, if you can, some Motown, especially the
} earlier stuff. "Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding or "Green Onions"
} would be perfect. If that is not available, find an oldies station
} and listen. ACID ROCK is your enemy at this stage, not your friend.
}
} Sit back and let the organ carress you. Forget the razor in the
} bathroom and the knives in the kitchen. You don't want to fly, you
} don't wish harm on yourself or others, and the carpet is not chewing
} on your toes.
}
} Now, eat something, preferably a salad. a vegetable pizza will work,
} but something organic is preferable. Drink more of your orange juice.
}
} You will eat. You will sleep. When you wake up, your drug experience
} will be over. LSD was never meant to be taken outside of controlled
} circumstances. Take Acid in a cold, sterile computer room and this is
} the result.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tabs


448-08    (27aa0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> vroooommmmmm!
> vrooooooommmmmm!
> brrrrr.r..r.r.r.....
> schreech! vrm!! vrm!!
> skzkzkkzzzkzkz!
> vroooommmm!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the city. A city of crime.
} My name is Friday. Joe Friday. I carry a badge.
}
} Today`s case...
}
} THE LITTLE CAR WHO COULD
} ------------------------
}
} I was alone when she came in.  She spoke to me in a soft and cuddly
} voice.  Her deep cut blouse exposed her firm and succulent... well
} enough about that.  She said her name was Mitsy and that she had real
} problems.  So begins our story....
}
} JOE:"What can I do for you, sweetheart?"
} MITSY:"Oh Joe! My car is gone. I was in Gucci`s and I heard this
} noise." JOE:"What did you hear?"
} MITSY:"It went
}                 vroooommmmmm!
}                 vrooooooommmmmm!
}                 brrrrr.r..r.r.r.....
}                 schreech! vrm!! vrm!!
}                 skzkzkkzzzkzkz!
}                 vroooommmm!"
} JOE:"Were there any distinguishing features?"
} MITSY:"It had a bumper sticker that said 'see L.A. -- It's a riot!'"
} JOE:"I'll get right on it ma'am."
}
} It was dark that night when I left the office looking for the car.
} Gangs were in the streets looting stores and shooting at people.
} Stupid gang parties, I think to my self. I even helped an elderly gang
} woman across the street with her new T.V.  I stopped to light a Lucky
} Strike when a blue Ford Escort wizzed by me a and I saw the sticker.  I
} called for backup but before I knew it, the car careened onto the
} sidewalk and exploded killing 5 Bloods and 3 Crips.   Later at HQ...
}
} JOE:"I'm sorry mam, your car must have had a mind of its own."
} MITSY:"Oh its not your fault. After all, it was a Ford."
} JOE:"That's true.
}               F.O.R.D.
}               Fix
}               Or
}               Repair
}               Daily"
}
} That ended this case and Mitsy thanked me with various sexual favors.
}
} CASE CLOSED
} -----------
}
} You owe the oracle a dragnet and riot gear.


448-09    (36a64 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I moan with pleasure when Yuri Andropov touches my finger?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to Musical Interlude!  The Usenet Oracle invites you to get out
} your balalaikas and sing along with Raunchy Raisa:
}
} Well, I'm in love with Yuri
} 'Cause he's never in a hurry
} And he never has to seek approval from above
} And I've got the hots for Lenin
} He's the leader of all men, 'n'
} I'm gonna go To Russia With my Love....
}
} (Chorus)
}
} I know Communism's dying, and Lord knows I ain't lying,
} Don't give me New World Order -- I don't care;
} Capitalists are greedy, and will not help the needy,
} Give me Russian leaders -- they will share!
}
} Well, I've read the works of Marx,
} And they fill me full of sparks,
} And Comrade Leonid Brezhnev makes me hot.
} Yes, Konstantin Chernenko
} May someday drive me wanko
} And Lord knows that I want what Gorby's got.
}
} (Chorus repeat)
}
} I know that I'll remember
} The Glorious Revolution of November
} And the May Day parades I'll always miss
} Give me vodka by the pan
} And another Five Year Plan
} 'Cause things just aren't the same in the C.I.S.
}
} (Chorus repeat and fade)


448-10    (46b71 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, king of all the sun and sky
> Holy father, all knowing damned cool guy,
> Tell us all you know, give us some knowledge
> For as you know, we get none of that in college.
> Now I must ask, or be forced to mentally choke,
> If the sun is on fire, then why doesn't it smoke?
>
> Mikey A. Studmuffin                masmas/masmas@xxxxxx.xxx.xxx
> (Aka-Marius and DeSade)            University Of Gnarth Goplenert
>
>     Anne Rice....weaving a story like the black widow's web.
>
>            AMIGA!!!  The Power to Really Piss Off Apple II Users
>
>  "Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.
>   From now he always shall be single.
>   To fall in love with boys is wierd,
>   Especially boys without a dingle.
>   Black Adder, Black Adder.  His taste is rather odd.
>   Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
>   Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
>   Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.
>           Black Adder II, "Bells"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Fusion-General has determined that smoking can kick you out of the
} main sequence and stunt your growth.  Look at all those white and brown
} dwarfs out there.  And those galactic jets?  That's right; megaparsec
} roll-youowns.  You now have the true explanation of Olber's paradox.
}
} You owe the Oracle a poem that scans.  And a good reason for a .sig
} that takes up two screens.  Hopefully the Priests will leave it in so
} that everybody else can ridicule you too.
}
} [ Some things were garbled to protect the innocent -ed ]


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