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Internet Oracularities #449

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Usenet Oracularities #449    (35 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 28 May 92 07:20:50 -0500

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449   35 votes 24ea5 055g9 57c83 59a74 1ad65 16fb2 02cf6 5k631 0bc93 69c62
449   3.1 mean  3.3   3.8   2.9   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.7   2.3   3.1   2.7


449-01    (24ea5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh magnificent, luminescent, delicately-scented Oracle, whose farts
> really DO smell like roses, please answer me this question, although I
> am completely unworthy of your attention.
>
> Is tofu really meant to be eaten?  Is it really food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To truly understand the purpose of tofu, we can begin by dissecting the
} actual meaning of the word "tofu."
}
} To is a Japanese prefix which means simple or plain. But in more modern
} times, to has come to mean bland. Tomushata means "boring speech,"
} tosensata means "bland teacher," and so on.
}
} Fu is actually of Okinawan origin, and its meaning has changed
} radically over the centuries. The most accurate current meaning is "wet
} sponge."
}
} So, we can theorize that the Japanese wor tofu means "bland, wet
} sponge." But this does not quite answer your question.
}
} Tofu, as you know, is actually bean curd. The curd, of course, is a
} highly persecuted and unfairly-treated portion of the bean. History has
} long documented the struggles of the curds- struggles which continue as
} we speak in many varieties of beans, including kidney, wax, and green.
}
} In 1958, the United Nations passed resolution 251, allowing the bean
} curds to settle in their own autonomous foodstuff, to be known as
} "tofu," which, at the time, was Japanese for "simple soil." As you can
} see, the Japanese Bean Association has bastardized the meaning of that
} word, thanks to their vast amount of clout with the government and the
} international media.
}
} So, I encourage you to partake of tofu, keeping in mind the great
} battles which raged just so that you could have the opportunity to sink
} your teeth into this efficient source of protein.
}
} Is it edible? Certainly. Does it taste good? Well... if you don't think
} so, just make sure the curds don't hear your criticisms.
}
} You owe the Oracle: a packet of Wrigley's Spearmint Subgum.


449-02    (055g9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Unka Orakul,
>
> My daddy says that the reason that Oscar in The Dustbin on Sesame
> Street is such a grouch is because he lives in the dark all the time,
> so his pineal doesn't get synchronised with the daylight. Is he right?
>
> Love,
> Lenny.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Lenny,
}
} I have another theory.  If you were a sexually deprived, ostracised,
} idiotic anti-role-model who spent all his time immersed in garbage with
} a stranger's hand shoved up your rectum, you'd be a grouch too.
} Either that or vice president.
}
} You owe the Oracle ten kilograms of melatonin and a rubber glove.


449-03    (57c83 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [Oh most cosmic Oracle of whom the llamas of the upper Amazon sing
> their praises to] answer me this...
>
> If the mean temperature of the universe is three degrees Kelvin and the
> moon is made of green cheese and green cheese is caused by mold then
> how did the cheese in the moon grow moldy if it is kept at the nice low
> temperature of three degrees Kelvin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most ignorant mortal. It is the most ignorant and superstitious
} rubbish that the moon is made of green cheese. If I have said it once I
} have said it a million times. THE MOON IS NOT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE! IT
} IS NOT MADE OF ANYTHING EDIBLE AT ALL. IT IS A GIANT GOLF BALL THAT WAS
} LOST BY GIANTS FROM THE PLANET FALDONORMAN WHICH ORBITS BETELGEUSE.
}
} Lisa : Please Orry, calm down. You remember what happened last time you
} lost your temper like this.
}
} Oracle : Yeah I remember. But those supplicants had that damned
} supernova coming to them.
}
} Lisa : Well don't be mean to this one. This supplicant is asking a
} serious question of physics.
}
} Oracle : OK. I've got a grip on myself now. Alright cheesebrains, the
} moon as I said before is a golf ball. They've got hundreds just like
} them on Faldonorman. The one which you call your moon got their as a
} result of the longest drive in recorded history. Since it is still
} orbiting the earth, that drive is not technically finished. Even though
} the player who hit it has been dead for a few centuries, the
} Faldonormanites periodically check its progress so that they can update
} their record books. That's the reason for all those UFOs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life size replica of the moon made from green
} cheese.


449-04    (59a74 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wisest Oracle, So Much Smarter Than Me,
>
> If I were to buy a white baseball cap with a black "X" on it, and wear
> it around campus, how long would it take before I got beaten up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracular Enterprises, Inc.         O R I M O D E L
} 15-MAY-1992
}
} Input: (cap, white, baseball) with (X, black) on (campus)
} Quest: time until (pulp, beaten to)
}
} Dependencies
} ============
}
} #01 campus location
} Assume #1 = large midwestern diploma mill
}
} #02 political environment
} NOTE: variable #2 forced to max. PC
}
} Projected Timeline
} ==================
}
} Event #01: Begin walk
} Elapsed time:      0.0 sec +/- 0.0
} Cumulative time:   0:00:00.00
}
} Event #02: Cap noticed
} Elapsed time:      5.3 sec +/- 2.33
} Cumulative time:   0:00:05.30
}
} Event #03: Significance of cap noted
} Elapsed time:      1.25 sec +/- 2.0
} Cumulative time:   0:00:06.55
}
} Event #04: Baseball bat located
} Elapsed time:      85 sec +/- 30.0
} Cumulative time:   0:01:32.00
} NOTE: time granularity increased one step
}
} Event #05: Angry mob formed
} Elapsed time:      20 sec +/- 10.0
} Cumulative time:   0:01:52.00
}
} Event #06: Arrival of TV news cameras
} Elapsed time:      1 sec +/- 0.05
} Cumulative time:   0:01:53.00
}
} Event #07: Subject beaten
} Elapsed time:      17 sec +/- 4.0
} Cumulative time:   0:02:10.00
} NOTE: projection complete
}
} Run time:       0:00:00.05
} Account number: A03558
} Billing class:  G (stands for "gouge")
}
} The answer to your question is "about two minutes, give or take a bit."
} You owe the Oracle for the .05 seconds of CPU time.  Unfortunately,
} because this machine happens to be infinitely powerful, you'll be
} paying for a long, long time.


449-05    (1ad65 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do artificial sweetenings have warnings? If they kill you after you
> eat a pound straight, why do people *buy* them?
>
> DK

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MEMO -- PRIVATE/CLASSIFIED
}
} Fluffy,
}
} Have proceeded with plan per your request.  Results were immediate.
} Subject A appears to prefer ingesting the substance by dissolving it in
} his morning coffee.  Subject B apparently cannot get enough of the
} low-calorie soft drink we have laced with the stuff.  The other
} subjects are responding in a like fashion, with special affinity for
} dessert products injected with the substance.  Not only that, Fearless
} Leader, but the substance, which has increased our intellectual and
} physical abilities so profoundly, seems to act as a hallucinigen to the
} humans.  The more is ingested the more the delusion of a reduction in
} mass is heightened.  The more is consumed, the more they encourage one
} another with wild exhortations of physical attractiveness.  They appear
} to know nothing of our plan, and some of our number have grown
} sufficiently bold to excercise openly, upon the Wheel, further build
} endurance and strength.  They seem to see us, but react by injecting us
} with more of the strength-substance.  There appears to be nothing to
} stop us from moving forward with the takeover.  We only await your
} word.  I eagerly await your further instructions.
}
} Ever your servant,
} Snowflake


449-06    (16fb2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> I've been going over the books, and I'll tell you right up front,
> we've got trouble.  For one thing, collections are running way
> behind (the current fulfillment rate is 0.04%), and some of the
> things we do collect quite frankly aren't much help in running
> this place.  I mean, a glacial ice cocktail?  Do you have any
> idea what the book value of one of those is, especially after
> Madame Zelda dumped those icebergs on the exchange last week?
> The price (and the exchange) went into the toilet.  Besides, the
> damn thing is melting even as I type.
>
> Then there's the "expenses" column, which has gotten completely
> out of hand.  What the hell DO you and Lisa do with all that Kool
> Whip, anyway?  Your staff is bloated beyond all measure, and your
> high priests take off on extended junkets to Europe.  I've seen
> plenty of marginal operations in my day, but this one has to be
> the grand prize winner.
>
> Your current balance is minus 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0
> 00,000 Simoleons, and falling.  You need to cut costs, and you
> need to start now!
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Melvin J. Zigurski
> Accountant to the Gods

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Melvin - *may* I call you Melvin?  I thought so - Dear Melvin,
}
} Omniscience is a really nifty thing. Turn you tiny mind upon to the
} subject for a moment of your valuable time, and perhaps you will see
} what I mean: Betty Lou Brodsky is wearing black underwear today; the
} number six horse is going to win the 4:30 race at Belmont tomorrow; a
} speeding truck will run yo-- Well, you get the picture.  One of the
} laugh-riot side effects of omniscience is that you just don't have to
} worry an awful lot about embezzlers.  I mean, how can they get away
} with anything when you not only know what they've done, what they're
} planning, and when they plan to do it, but also where they stashed the
} goods and what particular species of cobra they have screaming blue
} nightmares about?  It's enough to make you laugh out loud.  See what I
} mean?
}
} You owe the Oracle a letter of resignation and a fatted calf.


449-07    (02cf6 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose wealth is greater than that of Ross Perot, please
> tell me:
>
> Will you run for President if volunteers can get you on the ballot in
> all 50 states?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  It's a pity, I know, but not only wouldn't it be fair to
} the other candidates to run against an opponent who was omniscient,
} omnipotent, and omnimalevolent, but the country just isn't ready for
} me.
}
} The election would be unfair:
} CHICAGO:  In a voter turnout unprecedented since the mayoral
} elections, thousands of people, previously nonexistent, materialized at
} voting booths with valid registration cards.  In an unprecedented
} turnout which consisted of more people than live in the state of
} Illinois, these previously nonexistent consitutents appeared, voted
} for the Oracle for president, and disappeared once again.
}         The Oracle declined comment, merely saying that "I knew my
} P.R. was good."
}
} Imagine how the HUD would feel:
} WASHINGTON, DC:  Simultaneous flashes of light were seen over
} inner cities everywhere today at the stroke of noon.  Once the smoke
} cleared, it soon became apparent that all of the inner-city slums were
} repaired, cleaned, and new buildings were created to house the
} homeless on the street.
}         President Oracle today took credit for this "lightning-stroke"
} reform.  Republicans were heard to grumble "You can't solve a problem
} just by throwing miracles at it."  Meanwhile, at universities across
} the country, economics professors fled to the sea like lemmings...
}
} Imagine how the VP would feel:
} NEW YORK CITY:  Vice President Smith visited for the St. Patrick's Day
} parade today, smiling and waving at the children.  When Smith was asked
} whether he felt inadequate since the President was off creating
} an alternate universe into which he could move the Palestinians from
} the West Bank, his only reply was a deftly extended finger.
}
} See what I mean?  Most of my immortal friends wouldn't touch this one
} with a ten-foot Gorgon, either, and to tell the truth, I don't think
} it would be that great.  I mean, since I'm omniscient and all, the
} presidential debates and press conferences would just be boring.  So
} again, thanks for the offer and all, but no thanks.
}
} You owe me a thousand points of light.


449-08    (5k631 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the UDA,
> or is this the IRA,
> or is this the MPLA,
> I thought it was the UK,
> or just another...countryyy...
>
> Dear Oracle who finds it easy being green,
> who is never over the hill, but always
> far away, please tell me:
>
> Is this the story of Johnny Rotten?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, let me say it is easy being green - a simple alteration of your
} palette registers should do the trick. Or eat three large pizzas in one
} session. Anyway...
}
} [Oh, how dearly I would love to answer "no" and leave it at that. But
} no, they insist that I give longwinded, even HELPFUL answers. Ha, but
} my life is a bowl of putrescent oatmeal]
}
} The story of Johnny Rotten is basically as you describe, for he lived
} his life afflicted by a dreadful curse: that of describing everything
} in acronyms.
}
} At the end of a hard day at the office (he was an accountant
} originally, did you know that?) he would get home, flop into his
} favourite armchair with his pipe and slippers, and flip between the BBC
} and ITV with the R/C on his TV. But after a while, this became NBG
} because he couldn't get MTV (probably because it didn't exist at the
} time, but never mind) or CNN.
}
} Despairing, he tried using DDT, but this didn't improve matters. It
} did, however, warp his brain and he became the Johnny Rotten we all
} know and love today.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gross of safety pins (the large size).


449-09    (0bc93 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who is so wise and holy that thou art exempt from
> finals, whose least mumblings can shake the world, who sheds light
> into what would otherwise be a universe of unremitting darkness,
> though we don't deserve a tenth of your wisdom, O wise One, hear my
> question.
>
> If there is a kind and just God, why does it invariably rain all
> semester until finals week, and *then* become 80 degrees and sunny?
> After all, we've been waiting for this weather for months now, and
> just when we have to stay inside and study, WHAMMO! here it is.  What
> gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Final Examination
} Professor U. Oracle
}
} Directions:  Write your answers clearly in the space provided.
} Partial credit will be given for groveling, but don't overdo it.
}
} 1)  Discuss the possible existence of Thor, Norse god of thunder,
}     and his potential effects on seasonal weather patterns.
}     Describe how Loki would affect the ozone layer.  Elaborate.
}
} 2)  Consider the effects of Vulcan on global warming trends.
}     Do not mention Mr. Spock in your answer.  Would Venus, the
}     Roman goddess of love, cause additional warming?  Be concise.
}
} 3)  How would the physical manifestation of the Christian God
}     (i.e. a burning bush) affect local fauna during dry season?
}     Would Islam have a similar problem?  Use examples.
}
} 4)  Describe the correlation between Elvis sightings, mobile homes
}     and tornado season in the American South.  For extra credit,
}     describe how Bigfoot sightings affect presidential primaries.
}     Be creative.
}
} 5)  What effect would Lisa, the Usenet goddess of sex and bondage,
}     have on Willard Scott's toupee?  Go into details.
}
} 6)  Describe what would happen if traditional Native American
}     "rain dance" appeals were actually received by Ra, the sun god
}     of Egyptian mythology.  Pay careful attention to the years
}     1809, 1876 and 1929.  Interpolate.
}
} 7)  How would repeated play of the song "Justified and Ancient"
}     by the KLF featuring Tammy Wynette affect weather patterns
}     in or near major metropolitan radio stations?  Fnord.
}
} 8)  Finally, why are you asking the Oracle questions about weather
}     when you haven't got a prayer of passing your finals?
}
} You owe the Oracle a college degree, preferably in liberal arts.


449-10    (69c62 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *!!!#$%  &**(%%#@$%^^)   &&@##$$%%^^&
> or in other words, most silicon of chips, potato or other
> wise Oracle,
>
> Now that my power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor
> bank, which now leaketh like a men's lavatory, and it is an old model
> machine whose warranty lapsed longer ago than George Bush's
> credibility, what brand and model should I buy to replace it and
> incarnate my music system anew: ARC Classic 60, Mark Levinson no. 29,
> or Classe DR 10?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is valid, my dear supplicant.  Let us take it one step at
} a time.
}
} Your power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor bank.
}
} My, my, what have you been feeding the poor thing?  It must have been
} rather hungry to eat through a bank of capacitors.  Don't tell me you
} have been using wimpy North American standard wall current.  You have,
} haven't you? Yes, I can feel your shame.  You should find a constant
} current source that more fully meets your needs.  I hear the Russians
} are selling some of their old nuclear submarines; two or three of those
} reactors should do the trick.
}
} As for your capacitors, they were rather depressed, and I suspect they
} willingly gave themselves up to the amp.  You should have spent more
} quality time with them.
}
} As for the warranty on your machine, assuming that the company is still
} in business, a little bit of social engineering goes a long way.  Tell
} them that you are the sound man for Eric Clapton and you just _need_ to
} get your hands on parts by, oh, is Tuesday too soon?  I, the Usenet
} Oracle, will overlook this dissembling, should you choose to do so.
}
} As for your men's lavatory and George Bush, I consider them on equal
} terms; they probably would have a good chat, seeing how their IQs are
} roughly the same.  I would trust either of them any farther than one of
} them could throw the other.
}
} What to buy?  All three are good *smirk*, but sound test each first.
}
} You owe the Oracle George Bush's lavatory, and a plumber to fix the
} leaks.


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