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Internet Oracularities #45

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Usenet Oracularities #45
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 4 Nov 89 01:03:16 GMT

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45-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what's the chance of me answering my own question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Silly mortal!  That is left as an exercise to the reader (in most
}     texts, anyway).
}
}     You owe the Oracle that book there on your left.


45-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Uncle Ben wear a lacy bra when he was elected Demigod, but he
> never wears it on converted rice packages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There were actually boxes of rice depicting scantily clad Ben shortly
} after his election to demigod.  However, so many men were turned on by
} the new packaging that they started to buy Uncle Ben's converted rice
} as if it were going out of style.  This prompted other rice companies
} to sue Uncle Ben, claiming that he was monopolizing the converted rice
} industry.  After years of battling it out in the courts, Uncle Ben
} finally relented, and the picture of Ben is as you see it today.
}
} Of course, this is not the first time a demigod has had trouble with
} U.S. monopoly laws.  Both Betty Crocker and Mr. Clean have been sued
} by their respective competition for changing their characters in an
} attempt to blow the other companies away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Betty Crocker chocolate brownie mix circa
} 1970-72 (Betty's reign as demigod).  The boxes should be easy to spot;
} Betty's head is shaved and a tattoo of Mr. Clean in a tutu is stamped
} on her chest.


45-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a Certificate of Title (to a car) good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Child,
}
}       The Certificate of Title is an important document.
} It can be redeemed for valuable prizes if the proper procedure is
} followed.  For example, to recieve your very own Sea Monkey kit
} (explore the exciting world of SEA MONKEYS - they frolic, play,
} wage war and explore philosophy before your very eyes) simply sign
} the back of the title certificate and mail it to:
}               Oracle Auto Redemption Center
}               P.O. Box 7783
}               100 Omniscience Square
}               BufNowhere N.D. 11223
}
} You don't owe the oracle anything...yet.


45-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people have these stuffed Garfield images stuck to their car
> windows?  Why Garfield in particular?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mind control.  The Powers that Be have ordained that stuffed Garfields
} that cling to car windows by suction cups be popular, and consequently
} they alter the psyches of randomly-selected folk to make them desire
} such excrescences.  Therefore do not condemn people who have such things
} -- their innermost selves have been corrupted against their wills.  You
} could be next.  Nobody is immune.  The same holds true for a liking of
} Smurfs or California Raisins (those big purple things that look like a
} cross between turds and prunes) or, going further back, Berta Hummel
} figurines and plates and Christmas ornaments (you know, the ones with
} the idiotically cutesy little kiddie-like things that make kewpie dolls
} look like Whitehead), J.  Dan.  Quayle...  The Oracle repeats:  nobody
} is immune.  Nobody.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spunky little redhead with -- uh, uh ...  make that
} one of those neato stuffed Garfield dolls that have suction cups on
} their feet so that the Oracle can stick it to the rear window of his
} vintage Chrysler Airflow sedan.  Yes, the Oracle really loves those!


45-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise oracle, I have a problem.
> In my neverending search for a good boyfriend, it has been impossible to
> find one without some flaw, be it a drug addiction, or personality
> trait.  I have been criticized for setting my goals too high.
>
> What do you consider important qualities of a good boyfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse the Oracle for a moment as he adjusts his gender...there, now,
} she's ready to answer your question.  The problem is that we women value
} a man's self-esteem disproportionally.  Men place too much weight upon a
} woman's looks, expecting some Platonic connection between truth and
} beauty.  They will forgive a woman anything if she is beautiful enough.
} Idiotic, isn't it?  But women do the same for a man who really shows
} confidence in himself.  The Oracle's sister has been treated very badly
} by men, simply because she is attracted to self-satisfied men who exude
} that aura of power.
}
} There are thousands of loving, kind-hearted, exciting men out there,
} cruelly imprisoned behind nervous, geeky facades.  I suspect that any
} really self- confident, charismatic man has become that way in order to
} hide some flaw in his character.  You can take your choice:  the prince
} who appears to be a toad, or the toad who appears to be a prince.
}
} The actor who plays the Beast on TV is deluged by fan mail from lonely
} women who have fallen in love with his character.  they don't realize
} that there are millions of real-life Beasts out there, but that their
} deformities are not of the body but of the superficial personality.
}
} Indeed you do set your standards too high.  Go kiss some frogs.
} Discover the romance of the man who appears less than he is.
} Charismatic men usually disappoint, because they can rarely live up to
} your expectations.


45-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who Led Zeppelin to the stairway to heaven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Zombies, clad in Creme-coloured robes with linings of Deep Purple,
} Led Zeppelin on to the Jefferson Airplane, where they flew higher than
} Byrds.  The were Goin' to California, but crashed near the river Styx,
} amongst the Stones.
}
} "Are you Grateful, Dead?" asked the guide.  "Yes." they replied.  So it
} was he who took them the rest of the way, across Abbey Road, where they
} stopped to hear Sgt.  Peppers Lonley Hearts Club Band.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Beatles, CD boxed set.


45-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH great and mighty Oracle,
>
>   What will be the answers on my next test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} true or false: true, false, true, true, false, true, false, false, true
}
} multiple guess: A, B, A, C, A, D, A, B, A
}
} fill in:  George Washington, Cheyanne, 1814, cotton djinn, Socrates,
}  Linda Ronstadt, Salt Lake City, Napolean, Ramesis II, Usenet Oracle,
}  Billy the Kid, Beethovan, Joan of Arc, George Carlin, 1-900-990-DUDE
}
} essay:  This question is a perfect example of a reason to get knowledge.
}  By learning the answer to this question, it is possible to become a
}  better person, not only at school, but in real life also.  For it is
}  this kind of question and answer action/reaction which makes higher
}  learning possible.  Only by learning the answer will we be able to
}  answer this question.
}
} Unfortunately, these are your bonehead answers and not the correct ones.
} You fail the test most heinously and are sent to military school by your
} father who is tired of supporting a deadbeat waste product like you.
} This all but destroys your chances of ever forming a most triumphant
} band like Wyld Stallions and getting Eddie Van Halen to play in your
} awesome video.
}
} You owe the Oracle air guitar lessons.


45-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Mondays horrible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mondays are horrible by decree of Zeus -- the Greek God of allergies.
} Zeus started out as a young child in 2000BC (Before Creation) with only
} a few abilities.  He could make people sneeze when he walked by, make
} their eyes puff up when he stuffed milkweed up their noses and cause
} itching through excessive scratching.  As he grew, his powers became
} more, well, powerful, until he was able to induce sneezing by exposing
} people to sunlight after spending all day in front of a computer
} terminal, cause severe rashes with only a turtle-neck sweater and cause
} peoples eyes to swell at the sight of a "Playboy" magazine.  His latest
} projects have been to make women allergic to pregnancy (You didn't think
} that swelling was natural, did you?).  His masterpiece, however, was to
} make people allergic to something they couldn't smell, touch, taste,
} hear or even see -- Mondays.  It was this accomplishment that won him
} the Aurum Award for most creative God.
}
} So, when you get up in the morning and your mouth tastes terrible and
} itches, your feet feel like you've been playing hopscotch in the
} cornfields and your hands look like their on backwards, it's a Monday.
}
} You owe the Oracle a three-day weekend.


45-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this soup doing in my fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You left your fly unzipped and spilled soup in your lap.  Doing
} this repeatedly with hot soup can cause temporary sterility, and
} is therefore a (somewhat unreliable) method of birth control.


45-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is this thing hanging from the back of my neck??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} put your hand behind your head and slowly grab the hanging object.  Run
} your fingers to its tip.  Now feel the end - if it has two long rows of
} holes your RS-232 cable has come loose, and you are in eminent danger of
} being auto logged off.  If it has one small circle of prongs you are a
} mouse, and shouldn't be on Usenet in the first place.


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