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Internet Oracularities #451

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451, 451-01, 451-02, 451-03, 451-04, 451-05, 451-06, 451-07, 451-08, 451-09, 451-10


Usenet Oracularities #451    (35 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 92 07:29:58 -0500

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451   35 votes 69b72 3j571 26gb0 5da61 767c3 14k64 4c892 25cb5 3ag51 3ha23
451   2.8 mean  2.7   2.5   3.0   2.6   2.9   3.2   2.8   3.3   2.7   2.6


451-01    (69b72 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He He He, Riddle me this, Oracle:
>
> Who will be the villians in the next five "Batman" movies?
>
>                               The Riddler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
} Batman II:   We know it's The Penguin and The Catwoman.  And since the
}              premere is less than a month away, I shan't reveal the
}              plot.
}
} Batman III:  Dr. Slug.  A nutritionist is turned into a psycotic
}              mutant after being exposed to agricultural-strength
}              pesticides.  He plans to get his revenge on Gotham by
}              destroying the city's supply of fruits and vegetables and
}              causing everyone to come down with rickets and scurvy.
}
} Batman IV:   Sean Young.  Pissed off at being rejected for the part of
}              "The Catwoman," Ms. Young takes on the entire city of
}              Gotham with a flamethrower and other exotic weaponry.
}
} Batman V:    The Sinister Warner Brothers.  Two evil movie moguls plan
}              to stop Michael Keaton (played by Bruce Wayne) from
}              making another movie by saying that "he looks too wimpy
}              to play Batman."  Director Tim Burton, obviously
}              suffering from premature senile dementia brought on by
}              whatever drugs he takes to come up with movies like this,
}              has Edward Scissorhands make a guest appearance.
}
} Batman VI:   Vicky Vale.  In some exciting courtroom action, Vicky
}              Vale takes on the Dark Knight with a devastating new
}              weapon:  a three million dollar patrimony suit!
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason for choosing Michelle over Sean (aside
} from the fact the former is drop dead gorgeous.  Yow!)


451-02    (3j571 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O most awe-inducing Oracle, Who could cause the sun to go nova at
> the slightest whim, answer me this:
>    Why is my Dog purple with neon orange spots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know, but it's crawling up your back!
}
} <...oops, sorry.  I was looking at the wrong page of "1001 Funny Jokes
} and Riddles for Smart Boys and Girls," which I usually keep on the
} shelf right next to my 1911 edition of the Boy Scout's Manual.  Hmm...>
}
} TWO purple people eaters!!
}
} <No, that's off.  Damn, I'll have to get serious here.  Better check
} out the Oracularities motif-index again.  Let's see, telnet to the
} library OPAC... got it... download...
}
} | AUTHOR:  Thompson, Stith, 1885-
} | TITLE:   Motif-index of Oracle questions; a classification of commonly
} |          posed riddles, FAQs, existential dilemmas, sophomoric
} |          plaints, Unix system teasers, and would-be witicisms from
} |          Supplicants and other members of the genus Dweeb.
} | EDITION: 5 vol.  Rev. and enl. ed.
} | IMPRINT: Bloomington, Indiana University Press [1989-]
}
} OK, here it is.  Question Type 7Ac, "Animals, Household: bizarre
} coloration."  Subtype iii-b, "Dogs with neon spots."  Only recorded
} response from Incarnation karli@lesti.hut.fi.  Well, this will have
} to do...>
}
}        Aha, Supplicant, certainly tell your dog to no longer mate
}        with the psychodelic hippie reindeer!
}
} You owe the Oracle a long vacation.  Preferably somewhere where there
} are no TCP/IP connections..


451-03    (26gb0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose wrath is terrible and wisdom
> profound, whose armpit I am unworthy to wash.  I, your most humble and
> worshipful servant do beseech thee to bestow upon me an answer to this
> undignified but perplexing question.
>
> Which is the correct weapon for taking out an office full of mid-level
> university bureaucrats; a M-1 Abraham Tank or a low yield nuclear
> device?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, what an extraordinary question!  I can't think for the life of me
} (or for the life of you for that matter) why you would want to do such
} a thing. Oh well, I've heard some strange ones in my time but I guess
} you mortals have your own preferences.
}
} To take out an office full of mid-level university bureaucrats, no
} weapons are required at all.  Try a nice smile, some flowers,
} chocolates are always nice, and keep on asking until they agree to go
} out with you.  Make sure you take a little something with you just in
} case the evening turns raunchy, all these viruses and things you know.
}
} Eeewwww....I think I might be sick now....excuse
} me....<aaahherrrrgbbb>.... much better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a very large bucket and NO details of the night out.


451-04    (5da61 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> (insert-grovel)
>
>       "The Oracle's great!  He's the talk of the town!  Life's always
>       better when the Oracle's around!!  He's better than us!  He's a
>       friend to the end!  The Oracle's always popular when he's got
>       money to lend!!"
>
> (insert-question)
>
>       I just sent my dog, puddles, to seeing-eye dog school.  He was
> doing great, but right near the end of his training, he lead his
> manequinn up a plank and into a jet engine, immediately failing his
> final exam in "Dangerous Stuff 101."  The engine wasn't running, thank
> Oracle, and puddles is still with us.  Should I keep sending puddles to
> seeing-eye dog school and hope he gets clued in to the "Red Fog"
> connection, or should I enroll him in University of Massachusetts
> Computer Science Program instead?
>
>                                       - Concerned..
>
> P.S.  He's already passed his qualifiers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I would suggest having your dog run for public office.  Hell,
} he's obviously smarter than Quayle.  Should that fail, then he could
} always hire out as a televangelist.  (You'd just better hope no one
} gets those pictures of him making it with Fluffy in the back yard.)
} Good luck!
}
} You owe the Oracle the price of that doggie in the window.


451-05    (767c3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mosquito raped a chicken in the blueberry patch...
> Seven days later the chiquitos hatched.
> Grew up fast -- grew up mean
> Tore a big hole in the window screen!
>
> Sucked all the juice from a raspberry pie...
> Caught up with the beagle and they left him dry
> Drank a few pints from me and my mother,
> then they flew away with my little brother!
>
> What's that noise comin' out of the blue
> Like a squadron of B-52s?
> Flock of chiquitos and they're flyin' low...
> Death and destruction wherever they go!
>
> Grab the kids and hide all the pets...
> Get out the guns and the chiquito nets!
> Board up the windows and sandbag the door,
> Gotta get ready, get ready for war!
>
> Nosin' for chiquitos on a hot summer night,
> Cruisin the bush groves and shinin' the light
> Wait till they land -- I shoot my gun.
> I don't need the meat; I just hunt for fun!
>
> Bagged me a trophy just last week:
> Five foot wingspan and a six foot beak!
> Shot that sucker in self-defense---
> He was chewin' a hole through my chain link fence!
>
> Two chiquitos knocked me down,
> I played dead and I lay on the ground.
> Ran for the house when I heard one say,
> "Should we eat him here? Or fly him away?"
>
> Chewed through the roof way up by the peak.
> I grabbed a hammer and I bent in their beaks.
> They lifted the roof, and they flew it away---
> I found my shingles in Shelter Bay
>
> What's that noise comin' out of the blue
> Like a squadron of B-52s?
> Flock of chiquitos and they're flyin' low...
> Death and destruction wherever they go!
>
> Grab the kids and hide all the pets...
> Get out the guns and the chiquito nets!
> Board up the windows and sandbag the door,
> Gotta get ready, get ready for war!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, no grovel. But I'll let you off because there was no question.


451-06    (14k64 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast oracle so great!  Would you mind telling this mere mortal:
>
> What do you do with all of the payments that we mortals send you?
>
> Please find enclosed:
> 1       rotary dial phone
> 1       salad shooter
> 144     mismatched socks
> 1       6.32135 gallon container of extra-virgin olive oil
> 1       duck

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, let me show you what I do with all of the things that I get in
} the mail. (Supplicant is magically transported in a white puff of smoke
} into a gigantic warehouse, in which the ceiling reaches beyond a
} human's eyesight.)
}
} What I do is take all the items that I receive and put them into one of
} these three bins.  The first holds all of the things that I find
} remotely useful. (Human sees three bins.  The first is a medium-sized
} golden chest, with a sign in embroidered silver on the side labeled
} "CASH / CHEQUES / GOLD INGOTS/ 2 Gigabit SRAMS ".  Human hits head with
} a 'damn, I *knew* I forgot something)
}
} The second is where I dump most everything else.  It's amazing how much
} cruft people send me.  I have this sneaking suspicion that people just
} comb through their attics and mail me crap that's been gathering dust
} for 20 years, or trash that they would have had to drag to the County
} Dump otherwise.  I've been meaning to punish people who send me trash
} and try to call it a "valuable gift".  But I never seem to remember,
} unless it prevents from getting some at night. (Human turns to a very
} large dumpster, covered in moss and stains, overflowing with
} bric-a-brac.  A giant bundle of mismatched socks, a phone, some kitchen
} utensil, and an un-identifiable water fowl fall from the sky into the
} dumpster as an obviously nervous Human turns away.)
}
} The third bin is for things that I think a close, er, friend of mine
} might like.  (Human sees a small toy chest, labeled "TOYS for BEDROOM"
} with BEDROOM crossed out and LISA'S PLAYROOM written in underneath in
} crayon.  Human is greatly relieved to see a barrel fall from sky into
} chest.)
}
} Well, I hope that clears up that question for you, mortal, lemme send
} you back.  (Human smiles and bows with his head down to The Oracle.
} Supplicant then begins to lick The Oracle's boots, but hears a woman
} screaming in the background.)  "But we just used olive oil last week!
} Get this garbage out of here! " <KICK THUNK THUD clink clink roll roll
} roll...>
}
} (Supplicant disappears in a thunderous <ZOT>)
}
} You don't owe The Oracle anything, except to stop making such a nasty
} mess on the carpet with your ashes.


451-07    (4c892 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Blowvalves?  Blowvalves?!?  What's all this talk about
>       blowvalves??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to "What's all this talk about blowvalves??"  Here's you host,
} the Usenet Oracle!
}
} [applause]
}
} O:  Hello audience.  On today's show, we'll have Crispin Glover do a
} performance piece on how he feels about blowvalves, Paula Abdul singing
} her new hit dance single about blowvalves, and Douglas Adams talking
} about his new book, "Blowvalve Mutants of East Essex", a new book in
} the Hitchhiker's series.  Ladies and gentlemen, Crispin Glover!
}
} C:  I saw a lovely blowvalve.  It was round and wide.  I tried to step
} over it, but I could not.  A blonde came by, and she nimbly hurdled
} over the blowvalve.  I could not.  I was stuck, and could not get to
} the dentist without crossing the blowvalve.  I began to think.  I
} suddenly remembered a rainy day when I was in the 3rd grade.  The
} teacher was lecturing us on blowvalves.  I started squashing my hands
} up against my eyelids, and saw all sorts of pretty colors.  I really
} wish I had paid attention to my teacher back then.  Maybe I'd be able
} to cross the blowvalve.  But I hadn't.  So I turned away from the
} blowvalve and went back home.  My tooth fell out, and I put it in a
} jar.
}
} O:  Thank you Crispin!  That was unintelligible as usual.  Now, sexy,
} dippy pop star Paula Abdul will sing her new song, "Forever your
} Blowvalve".
}
} [music starts]
}
} P:  Ooh baby baby
}     I love you so
}     That's why
}     I'm forever your blowvalve
}
}     Grease me up
}     Tie me down
}     Stuff your...
}
} O:  Oops, the censors say we can't keep showing this number.  Thank you
} anyway, Paula.  Anyway, Douglas Adams was overcome during that last
} number, and is in the bathroom with the producer taking care of things,
} so to speak. I'm afraid that brings us to the end of our show for
} today.  Tune in next week when we have Pope John Paul II, the late Sam
} Kinnison, and Stephen Jay Gould giving their impressions of blowvalves.
} Ciao!
}
} [applause]


451-08    (25cb5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle whose knolwedge of computer architecture is beyond that
> of all of Microsoft, Cray, and Donald Knuth put together;  who can
> commune with any machine and tell it exactly what to do, even in COBOL
> if need be;  who could, in the blink of an eye, do the programming
> assignment that was due last week which caused people to pull three
> all-nighters....
>
> How come C on the RS/6000 never gives an error message more informative
> than "Segmentation fault - core dumped."
> And what can I do with the core once it's been dumped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is that the core on the RX/6000 is desperately lonely and
} has a habit of getting into relationships that aren't appropriate.  The
} core will find some nice memory with which it gets along, dates for a
} while, and perhaps even (if they are intimate) toggle a bit or two, but
} eventually, out of lack of self-esteem and trust, cross a page boundary
} best left untouched.  The memory, in a fit of righteous rage, dumps the
} core for a more stable processor.
}
} The core goes home after that and, in a fit of anger, kicks the C
} compiler.
}
} As to what you can do...well, just be there for your core, let it know
} you care about it, but don't try to preach or help it heal its
} relationships, or it will never learn.


451-09    (3ag51 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fornicating Oracle of facetious flaucinoccinihilipilification,
>
> This old man, he played one,
> He played knick-knack on a drum,
> With a knick-knack paddy-whack,
> Give a dog a bone,
> This old man went rolling home.
>
> This old man, he played two,
> He played knick-knack on his shoe,
> With a.... (etc)
>
> What is this children's song about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The song is obviously a sick and lurid tale of a twisted, dirty old
} pervert of a man.  Just look:
}
} > This old man, he played one,
} > He played knick-knack on a drum,
}
} First of all, masturbation.  With percussion instruments, no less.
}
} > With a knick-knack paddy-whack,
} > Give a dog a bone,
}
} Bestiality!  Such depravity amazes even me.
}
} > This old man went rolling home.
}
} Not only is he a pervert, he's obese.
}
} > This old man, he played two,
} > He played knick-knack on his shoe,
}
} Here it's apparent that the old codger has a shoe fetish.  This is the
} kind of lewd and tasteless literature that brought about book-burning.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _Tom_Jones_.


451-10    (3ha23 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and Mysterious Oracle (The M&M Oracle as we like to call you)!
> Please answer this lowly supplicant and releive him of his ignorance.
> Is there life after death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations! You are the 10 billionth sentient being to ask that
} question! You win a coffee maker, this lovely crystal vase, a set of
} NeverBlunt steak knives, and an all-expenses-paid trip to the
} Bahamas.
}
} (Actually, I oft wonder why mortals bother themselves with this:
} either there is, so you can die secure in the knowledge of your
} continuing consciousness, or there isn't, meaning that you aren't
} going to feel a thing once you're dead.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to the Bahamas, a set of steak knives, a
} coffee maker, and a crystal vase, plus postage and handling costs.
}
} ** THE ORACLE: OVER 10 BILLION LIFE-AFTER-DEATH QUESTIONS ANSWERED **


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