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Internet Oracularities #452

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Usenet Oracularities #452    (30 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 92 13:16:27 -0500

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452   30 votes 14ad2 59781 34e72 38b62 65a36 49c41 36c54 37875 39c51 38g30
452   2.9 mean  3.4   2.7   3.0   2.9   2.9   2.6   3.0   3.1   2.7   2.6


452-01    (14ad2 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> O Oracle, who has more toys than anyone, please tell me:
>
> (I asked this question before, but problems in the mail squished my
> answer.)
>
> My name is Sara.  S-A-R-A.  And I have been working in the same place
> for two years.  Somehow, most of the other people here are absolutely
> determined to affix an "H" to the end of my name.  I don't know why.  I
> have told them many times, even to the extent of sending an office-wide
> E-mail pleading for them to spell my name correctly.  How can I stop
> the plague of the H's?  Should I start misspelling all their names on
> purpose?
>
> Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <note: the Oracle is currently covering for Father Time, who is on>
} <      vacation, this question has been sent to the Oracle's grad >
} <      students.  We find them now working on the issue.          >
}
} Mr. Data: I find it intrigueing that someone would become emotionally
}           distraght over the correct spelling of a word that merely
}           references their being.
}
} Marvin:   Its soooo depressing. I've spent several billion years
}           parking cars and being referred to as "you", "hey, metalhead"
}           This torture is too much for me. Look at me, brain the size of
}           a planet, and I can't be called by my name. How am i supposed
}           to help someone else?
}
} Eddie:    Gee guys, why don't we have ourselves a quick romp and then
}           see what we can come up with.
}
} Mr. Data: We seem to be digressing from the topic of discourse. To
}           comment on possible courses of action, purposefully
}           misspelling names may create undue hostility.
}
} Marvin:   I have nothing useful to say, I never do. I would work on my
}           thesis but my aching diodes are acting up.
}
} <fooosh>
}
} Eddie:    Boy what a kidder that Marvin is, I'd almost believe that
}           he'd gone and shut himself down. The solution is so simple,
}           she should follow the big companies (Apple and Intel), and sue
}           her coworkers for look and feel infringement. It clear to my
}           that they were trying to make up someone that was just like
}           her with one small detail changed so that they could have
}           someone to do the same job for less.
}
} Mr. Data: Economics aren't relevant to this. It is an issue of human
}           nature, why do people continue to do something that bothers
}           someone even after they are told otherwise
}
} <CRASH BOOM>
}
} Oracle:   You _STILL_ haven't agreed upon an answer? Here I am managing
}           the space/time continuum for a few days and you boobs can't
}           even answer a trivial question? Can't you remeber that we have
}           a contract to answer 1,000 questions a second? *sigh* As usual
}           I'll have to answer it.
}
} The problem with the extra H's is caused by your officemates being
} jealous at your name being so short, and easy to type. This irritates
} most humanoid life-forms, causing them to find a way to alter things to
} their advantage. By adding an extra 'H' at the end of your name, they
} have increased the length of your name, and made it more difficult to
} type, while maintaining the same pronunciation. Quite an ingenious
} solution. To this matter, many people have stopped using the name,
} Sara, and started using Sarah (with an 'H' appended).
}
} Misspelling their names, if done so humorously, such as changing "Bob"
} to "Boob", "Frank" to "Fink", and "Viki" to "Triki" may get the message
} across. However, DO NOT MISSPELL THE NAME OF YOUR BOSS. Boss creatures
} throughout the universe do not like, get, or understand any form of
} joke, or whatnot, and will try to interpret all such acts as a
} challenge to their bossliness.
}
} Theh oracleh suggestsh thath youh appendh theh letterh 'H'h toh allh
} thingsh sendh toh yourh coworkersh untilh theyh figureh outh whereh
} thereh shouldn'th beh anh 'H'h.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grad student.


452-02    (59781 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the orange face of Roger
> Moore in so many Bond films, is it true that the distance from the top
> of a man's third finger to the extent to which he can bend it down on
> his palm, is a approximately equal to the length of his John Thomas?
>
> Or am I merely fortunate in having ten-foot long fingers?
>
>               Weirdbeard the revision expert,
>                       under a bus,
>                       Kuala Lumpur (or anywhere with a Lump in it)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y'know, even invoking the name of Roger Moore in connection to Bond
} films -- as opposed to the far superior Sean Connery -- was enough to
} make me dole out a few <ZOT>s a few decades ago.  Now, however, I have
} accepted the fact that none shall surpass Connery, though many have
} tried, and I have merely contented myself by teleporting iguanas into
} Timothy Dalton's shorts.
}
} As for the question of the magnitude of your j.t.:  As with much
} scientific fact, this is one that has been so incredibly
} oversimplified by the popular media that the math behind this
} statement has been overlooked.
}
} It is really governed by the equation
}
}         l   = a l      + b IQ + c Age
}          JT      palm
}
} for which the coefficients a,b, and c still defy precise measurement,
} although new attempts are being made by statisticians evey year.
}
} The factor a is on the order of .5 or so, if the length is in inches,
} and b is on the order of .003.  c is on the order of .1, if age is
} measured in millenia, which is why the growth of one's j.t. throughout
} adult life tends to go unnoticed by mortals.
}
} As a sample calculation, here's myself:
}
}         l = .5 (6 in) + .0015 (10,000) + .1 (5 x 10^7)
}
} which you can figure out for yourself.  As for yourself, you gave your
} palm size (120 in), your age is about 20, and your IQ must be around
} -40000 if you can't figure out for yourself whether your ten-foot
} hands correspond to your j.t.  So, we get
}
}         l = 60 in - 60 in + .1 (20/1000)
}
} I pity you, Weirdface the Koala, in having only .002 inches at your
} disposal, but then again, them's the breaks.
}
} You owe me the Clarence Thomas video collection.


452-03    (34e72 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, there's a very large spider sitting on top of my computer.
> It's so large I can see its book lungs oscillating and it's staring
> right at me!
>
> I'm Arachnaphobic and am holding onto a politically correct atomizing
> pump bottle of Raid by JohnsonWax.  Enviormental hazard one on the
> label is that the product is toxic to fish.
>
> Should I kill the creature at this point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After checking to make sure there are no fish in your computer, yes.
}
} (By the way, the Oracle is enjoying immensely the vision of you
} desperately waiting for a "You have new mail" message as you hold
} your Raid and pray that the spider will neither find its way into
} your floppy drive slot nor leap off the computer onto your face
} where it will oscillate its book lungs as you shriek and clutch
} frantically at yourself as it tightens its grip and trails its
} loathsome ichor and prepares to sink its sabre-sharp fangs into...
}
} Ahem.  Perhaps not the most appropriate language to address to
} an arachnophobe.  The Oracle commends you on your faith in His
} power to address you swiftly in this your moment of utmost need.)


452-04    (38b62 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@copper.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle whose sexual prowess and knowledge are so enormous and
> widelknown that women like Lisa gladly become your consort, I have a
> burning question that only one of your immense brilliance (dazzling me
> like Loni Anderson's ... smile) can answer:
>
> Why does something as normal and boring as "coitus interruptus" have
> such a silly name?
>
> Signed,
>       not a Catholic

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Adorning the mundane and annoying with tesselated monikers decreases
} the indignities of having said inanities visited upon your person.  The
} example you cite is only one example of this phenomenon.  A current
} illustration of this principle is the advertising campaign being waged
} by Volkswagen.  By attaching the word "fahrvergnugen" to their product,
} they have thus made the "experience" of owning one a sort of badge of
} honor.  In truth, the literal translation of the word breaks down
} thusly:
}
}                      "fahr" = to fart, from the old Teutonic "pfarten",
}                               in the VW context, refers both the the
}                               strong exhaust smell encountered while
}                               driving and to the sound of the engine.
}
}                      "verg" = to drift, from the old French "verger",
}                               this accurately describes the handling
}                               of the vehicle
}
}                     "nugen" = German slang for the head, this has
}                               crossed the Atlantic and lodged itself
}                               in our own venacular as "noggin."  This
}                               refers to the inordinate diminutativeness
}                               of VWs and the resulting head traumas
}                               incurred when entering or exiting the
}                               vehicles.
}
} So, you see Supplicant, if we are to speak literally of this word that
} this particularly deceitful automaker has pawned off on the
} unsuspecting public as a celebratory exclamation, we are actually
} saying something quite different.  Literally, fahrvergnugen:  "bad
} noisy smell swerve and bump head." Madison Avenue it ain't.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Bill Clinton.


452-05    (65a36 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Myself                        The Almighty Usenet Oracle
>  :-)                     :-<
>
>  :-)           <-ZOT-<   :-D
>
>  :-O <-ZOT-<             :->
>
>  :-( | *bounce*          :-|
>
>  :-(    >-TOZ->          :-}
>
>  :-|           >-TOZ->   :-O
>
>  :-)                  *thwarp*
>
> As you can see, bounced *ZOT*s turn into *TOZ*s.  What happens to
> Almighty O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cheeky                          The
} Supplicant                      Big
} Offal                           O
} :-)                            >:->
}
} :-)                            >:->   --->  "Oh Lisa, my lamb, bring me
}                                              the transmogrifier, will
}                                              you?"
}
} (:-|                           >:->        -------
}                                           | ACME  |   :-)-8--<
}                                            -------
}
} (:-\                           >:->   --->  "Why thank you dearest,
}                                           keep the the blender running,
}                                           I'll be done finished here
}                                           presently."
}
}                                         '  ------- `
} {:-<                           >:->     ' | ACME  |`  ---> rattle,
} ping, rattle
}                                         '  ------- `
}
} {:-O                    <ZOT>  >:-D
}
} {|-0    <ZOT>                  >:-D
}
} *THWARP*                       :-)


452-06    (49c41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have studied you case very carefully usenet oracle... here iz what i
> have come up with.
>
>  > } All knowing?  Sure
>
> Hmmm, you are increasingly vain, I zuzpect this was caused by the fact
> that when you were a child you found out how many licks it takes to get
> to the center of a tootsi pop!
>
>  > } First, rip the offending organ out of the body,
>  > } which may require breaking the breastbone,
>
> Very violent as well, this could have been caused by the fact that you
> couldn't ever again get center of tootsi pop without biting.
>
>  > } You owe the Oracle a question that's meant to be
>  > } taken literally.
>
> Well I pondered this the most, it zeems you have an inner complex cause
> by a defective mental block, if thiz iz true then you zhould rebuild
> thiz mental block, i happen to have a contracting friend that will fill
> the concrete and pour it for dirt cheep... well anyways if you have any
> more questions please call me at dial-a-shrink, i'll dizcusz my fee's
> later,
>
>   <Za shrink>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... yours is an interesting case, but my psychotherapy is VERY
} advanced.
}
} First, your insistence in pretending to be the therapist instead of the
} patient is a classic example of the "therapy reversal" syndrome, where
} you want to consider yourself cured before you begin.  Keep in mind
} that this WON'T get you out of paying my bill.
}
} Second, your repeated unnecessary use of the "z" key reveals a
} deep-seated "inferiority complex".  We'll start intensive work on this
} next week.
}
} Lastly, your suspicious lack of grovelling, combined with the offhand
} insults, is a symptom of a "death wish".  We may not need another
} session, but if you are still capable of movement next week, stop by.
}
} You owe the Oracle $250 an hour.  Now tell me about your mother...


452-07    (36c54 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HI, Mr. Oracle Sir!!!!
> Sorry if this is a FAQ, but I've heard that a FAQ is something
> everybody already knows, but since I don't know the answer to this
> everybody doesn't know it, so it can't be a FAQ, so here I go ...
>
> I've just created about the most Awesome change directory program ever
> written.  If it doesn't find the target directory through an
> exhaustive CDPATH search, it uses the most sophisticated spelling
> corrector (based on a thorough analysis of Webster's on-line
> dictionary, and a list of the 1000 most common directory names on Unix
> systems throughout the world) to try to find a match that way.  If
> that fails, then it tries to create the directory, and if that fails,
> it opens /dev/uri-geller, and reads the mind of the invoker to try to
> figure out what to do.  It executes with almost 0 impact on system
> resources, and is most truly the finest/tightest code ever to grace
> the memory of a computer.
>
> The only problem is that it doesn't work.  No matter how I've tried,
> once I've done that last chdir (and I've tried doing several identical
> chdir(2)'s in a row to see if that would make the directory change
> more "sticky" but that didn't work) I always end up where I started in
> the shell I started my program in.  I've tried setting the PWD, and
> CWD variables with putenv(3), but that doesn't seem to have any effect.
>
> What it really seems to me, is I need some way of telling the shell
> what directory it's supposed to be in when my program is done
> executing. Put more simply, I need a way of modifying the environment
> of a parent process.
>
> E-mail responses only.  There's too much noise on this bboard for me to
> be able to read it.  And HURRY!!!  I need to turn this project in by
> 5pm tonight !!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez.  RTFM, for crying out loud!  To wit:
}
} FRIG(2V)                  SYSTEM CALLS                   FRIG(2V)
}
} NAME
}      frig - create a new parent
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      int frig()
}
} SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
}      pid_t frig()
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      frig() creates a  new  parent  for  a  child  process.   All
}      environment variables set under the child process are passed
}      to the parent process when it is created.
}
}      In general, the environment of the parent process is  every-
}      thing  the  child ever wanted it to be.  Its current working
}      directory is near  Walt  Disney  World,  and  it  will  have
}      spawned  several  Teenage  Mutant Ninja Turtle shells.  Once
}      frig() is called all child processes are allowed to  have  a
}      pony,  shoot  their  BB guns in the backyard, and stay up to
}      watch David Letterman.
}
} SEE ALSO
}      incest(2V)


452-08    (37875 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O zippy Oracle, O dippy Oracle, O flippy Oracle
> who surely knows _all_ the words that end in "ippy"
> and therefor could continue this simple grovel
> for a long time, please tell me this:
>
> can a millipede have a segmentation fault?
> does it have sement registers, and if so, how many?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, there is no such thing as a millipede:  it's really ten
} centipedes working in parallel.  Your question should read:
}
} "Can ten centipedes, working in parallel, have a segmentation fault?"
}
} However, a centipede is really a prototype Intel 80986 bioengineered
} microprocessor with 100 pins.  Your question should read:
}
} "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 bioengineered microprocessors with 100
} pins, working in parallel, have a segmentation fault?"
}
} A bioengineered microprocessor is really a carbon-based chain of
} genetically restructured DNA helixes (patent pending).  This changes
} your question to:
}
} "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 carbon-based chains of genetically
} restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with 100 pins, working in
} parallel, have a segmentation fault?"
}
} A segmentation fault is really "an untrapped, unexpected result
} appearing on one of the system buses".  Your question now reads:
}
} "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 carbon-based chains of genetically
} restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with 100 pins, working in
} parallel, have an untrapped, unexpected result appearing on one of the
} system buses?"
}
} "Ten" should read "approximately ten, within an acceptable margin of
} error". "Prototype" should read "a bug-filled hunk of crud cobbled
} together by the R&D department".  "Intel" should read "megacorporation
} choking on its own bureaucracy".  Thus, your question becomes:
}
} "Can approximately ten, within an acceptable margin of error,
} bug-filled hunks of crud cobbled together by the R&D department of a
} megacorporation choking on its own bureaucracy 80986 carbon-based
} chains of genetically restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with
} 100 pins, working in parallel, have an untrapped, unexpected result
} appearing on one of the system buses?"
}
} The answer, by the way, is "no".  Have a nice day.


452-09    (39c51 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa is the Oracle's girlfriend, and lemme tell you what *she*
} can do!  Oop, hang on, I need to check something first...
}
} > rlogin alt.human.history
}
} Welcome to probabilistic alternate reality generator for
}       ==============
}       (human, Earth)
}       ==============
} history.  Please enter scenario:
}
} oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa can do
}
}   47.3%       Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies
}   41.8% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage
}   10.9% Supplicant makes a large mess in pants
}
} (Hmmm... sounds a bit risky, but no grovelling in that query, after
} all..)
}
} oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa did last night
}
}   53.6%       Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies
}   40.0% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage
}    6.4% Supplicant makes a large mess in pants
}
} (Now, you wouldn't like that at all, but it might be more fun than a
} <Z0T>)
}
} oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa is doing right now
}
}   89.1%       Supplicant makes a large mess in pants
}    6.5% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage
}    4.4% Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies
}
} (Zounds, this supplicant has a limited response set!)
}
} oracle > Oracle declines to tell supplicant what Lisa can do
}
}   99.0% Supplicant goes to an early grave, wondering and frustrated
}    1.0% Supplicant figures it out
}
} (Oh, We *like* the early grave part...)
}
} oracle > exit
}
} (Closing connection)
}
} You owe the Oracle the answer to the question "What can Lisa do?"


452-10    (38g30 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So Mr. Oracle, just how many subscriptions to my
> newsgroups have you sold since I've been away?
>
> Steve Kinzler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE FIRST BOOK OF ORACLE:
}
} And unce upon a time there were three Oracles living in a house
} together with their newsgroup administrator. And it happened that the
} newsgroup administrator went to Greece (remember this is a parable and
} supposed to happen in the long gone past, where Olympic games in Spain
} weren't yet invented), to Delphi to be precise.
} And he said to the three Oracles: Take care of your supplicants while
} I'm gone.
} And so he went and divided the newsgroup into three: These were
} alt.humor.oracle, rec.humor.oracle and rec.humor.oracle.d. And he set
} each Oracle over one newsgroup and went to Spain, er, Greece.
} And while he was away, the Oracles went forth and answered questions,
} each one to his best ability.
} And there came the day, when their newsgroup administrator came back
} and asked:
} > So Mr. Oracle, just how many subscriptions to my
} > newsgroups have you sold since I've been away?
} And the first Oracle came to his newsgroup administrator and said:
} "See, I have multiplied the number of supplicants and there are five
} times as many subscriptions now to rec.humor.oracle as there were
} before." And the NewsAdmin said: "Well, I see that you are a faithful
} Oracle. Go in there to that Really Big Barbecue Party I will give. And
} you shall drink five extra beers to my health."
} And then came the second Oracle and he said: "See, I have multiplied
} the number of supplicants and there are now twice and a half as many
} supplcants in rec.humor.oracle.d as there were before. And I even
} managed to get a few readers from comp.database.oracle." And the Admin
} said: "Well, I see that you are a wise and cunning Oracle. Go in to
} that BBQ party and drink two and a half extra beers to my health."
} Then the Newsgroup Administrator turned his face to the third Oracle
} and he asked him: "And how have you done my dear Oracle?"
} And the Oracle said: "Well, I know that you are a strong and
} unforgiving Administrator. Therefore I stopped newsgroup traffic
} altogether and only sent out some Oracularities now and then. This I
} did, for not losing too many supplicants, and, see, the number of
} subscriptions to alt.humor.oracle has remained nearly the same."
} And the Newsgroup Administrator said: "I see that you are a bad and
} untrue Oracle and thus thou shalt not go to my BBQ party and shalt not
} drink an extra beer to my health."
} And the Oracle said "<ZOT!>" and went to that BBQ party with the
} remains of the Newsgroup Administrator and put him on the grill and
} told the other two Oracles that they needn't drink to his health any
} more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a less embarrassing question. And an invitation to a
} BBQ.


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