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Internet Oracularities #454

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454, 454-01, 454-02, 454-03, 454-04, 454-05, 454-06, 454-07, 454-08, 454-09, 454-10


Usenet Oracularities #454    (31 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 8 Jun 92 12:46:43 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   454
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

454   31 votes 43ab3 3d933 27a75 38g22 4ea21 69259 ad800 27a84 26e63 16d74
454   2.9 mean  3.2   2.7   3.2   2.7   2.4   3.1   1.9   3.2   3.1   3.2


454-01    (43ab3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi oracle,
>
> I've got a little question. I'm non-american and therefore don't know
> a lot about the 'american way of dating'.
>
> I have heard a lot of things about that subject and would like to know
> more. Since I will be over in the USA for quite a while serious answers
> would be much appreciated.
>
> Thanks a lot

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
} You obviously don't know much about the 'American way of Grovelling'
} either, but as I am in a forgiving mood today, having just gotten
} the news that Playboy is going to do a "Girls of the Oracle" feature,
} I won't turn you into a smudge.
}
} As it happens, you are in luck.  The American way of dating is in
} fact identical to that used in most of the rest of the western world.
} Just in case your neck of the woods uses a different system, it
} works like this:
}
} We generally measure the passage of days in Weeks and Years.  A
} Week is a short period of time; 7 days.  It consists of the Weekdays
} and the Weekend.  The Weekdays are when you pretend to work; the
} Weekend is when you try to not work.  The names of the days of the
} Week are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and
} Sunday.
}
} A year consists of 12 months, each with around 30 days in them.  The
} months are called January, February, March, April, May, June, July,
} August, September, October, November and December.  There is a nice
} rhyme for remembering the number of days, as follows:
}
} "30 days have September, April, June and November; all the rest have
} 31, except February, which has 28, or 29 each leap year."
}
} Due to a manufacturing defect, the Earth's orbit doesn't quite fit
} evenly into a nice number of days.  Thus we have leap years.  A leap
} year is any year that is divisible by 4, except if it is divisible
} by 100, except that if it is divisible by 400 it is a leap year after
} all.
}
} The years are numbered from the alleged birth of my good buddy God's
} oldest son.  He wanted them to be numbered from his birthday, but
} had to settle for the former as part of the agreement that ended the
} lawsuit over the even number of days fiasco.  As it happens, this was
} a good thing as with the current system, we only need 4 digits so far
} (this year is 1992) but with the system God wanted to use, well, it
} would be a _lot_ of digits, let me tell you.
}
} And remember, every day is the Oracle's Birthday...
}
} You owe the Oracle a thoughtful present.


454-02    (3d933 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked
> like the following:
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO
>
> ESC    ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ +     <X|    FIND INS RMV  F1 F2 F3 F4
>        ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - =            SEL  PRV NXT   7  8  9  -
> TAB     Q W E R T Y U I O P { }     RETURN        ^        4  5  6  ,
>         q w e r t y u i o p [ ]                 < V >      1  2  3
> LOCK     A S D F G H J K L : " |                           0  .  ENTER
>          a s d f g h j k l ; ' \                 HOME
> SHIFT   > Z X C V B N M , . ?       SHIFT        FEED
>         < z x c v b n m , . /
> CTRL
>       FUNCT  S_P_A_C_E    BACKSPACE
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> What is it good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, you have truly come to me just in the nick of time, and by
} so doing, you have averted horrible disaster which could be brought
} upon you and your family.  Before I proceed let me commend you on your
} quick thinking and resourcefulness.
}       You see, ah wonderfully naive and inexperienced seeker of
} wisdom, that think on your desk is an inverted phase dinglewhopper
} from the planet Koozbane.  The Koozbanians have been dormant for the
} last several epochs, but now they are up to their old tricks.  Act
} quickly now, because the dinglewhopper could detonate at any moment.
} If it does you will lose all of your higher mental functions, as well
} as any whit of common sense that you may have ever had (Dan Quayle
} fell victim to one of these several years ago, as did Bill Clinton,
} who thought he could escape the ill effects if he just didn't inhale).
} First, you must immerse this foul device completely in water, don't
} hesitate, run to the nearest restroom and throw it in the toilet.
} (I'll wait)
}       ...Are you back?  Good!  Oops, you forgot the dinglewhopper,
} run back and get it, this is no time to be quibbling about personal
} hygiene.  Now, toss it out the nearest second story window.  Make sure
} that the window is NOT OPEN.
}       Whew, another narrowly diverted disaster.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Disney's Little Mermaid, all the episodes
} of the Muppet Show, and a Macintosh Extended Keyboard


454-03    (27a75 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely oracle:
>
> Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you
> spell it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quiet Thursday afternoon at the Oracular Mansion.
}
} Suddenly the line of questioners is scattered as His Mightiness erupts
} into anger.
}
} "What!  How much wood?  You dare to bother Us with such trivialities
} as small forest mammals?  We have answered this question for the last
} time!"
}
} The sound of thunder echos through the landscape, as lightning bolts
} blast from the sky overhead only to come together before the Oracular
} Throne.  The hapless petitioner appears to glow for just a moment,
} and then dissolves forever from this plane of existence.
}
} "Let the word go forth, to all querants throughout the Universe.  The
} Oracle's patience with piddling questions has RUN OUT!  The next person
} who attempts to use The Most Wondrous Oracle as an encyclopedia will
} suffer a fate the likes of which has not been seen since the days of
} yore!  Always RTFM!"
}
} The next supplicant nervously approaches the throne.
}
} "WELL?"
}
} The querant pauses, and then speaks thusly:
}
} > Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely
} > oracle:
} >
} > Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you
} > spell it.
}
} All is silent in the great hall.  No one moves, but for a small bead of
} sweat that slowly makes its way down the cheek of the obsequious
} questioner before the throne.  The Oracle's eyes at first begin to
} bulge forth from their Oracular sockets, and then slowly sink deep down
} into a mighty scowl.
}
} "Sieeeeeeeeeeze him!"
}
} Huge guards, all with the facial expression of Mike Tyson at a beauty
} contest, seem to materialize from nowhere, grabbing the hapless
} individual. Once he his firmly in their grasp, all eyes turn to the
} immortal one.
}
} "Now, off to the Amway meeting with him!  Mwa ha ha ha!"
}
} A low moan slips from the crowd, as they contemplate the fate of the
} newly lost soul.  Despite the supplicant's pleas for mercy, he is
} carried off by the huge Tysonesque men.  A wry and satisfied smile
} appears on the face of the Mighty One, as he slowly shakes the Oracular
} head.
}
} "Next!"


454-04    (38g22 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and magnificent Oracle, lord of a hundred, nay a thousand,
> nay a million, nay a billion, nay an infinite insignificant mortal
> minds, I beseach of you to answer me this simple, but important (to
> both of us) question:
>
> You what? Where the %#@! am I going to get 666 willing nubile teenage
> virgins over the age of consent? If you don't reconsider what I owe
> you, I'll have to have a quick word with Lisa......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Blackmail?  I assure you, cretin, that you are stepping in a big
} pile of doo doo if you try to pull *this* one off.  Remember,
} simpleton, that I am the All-Knowing.  I know about the time you played
} doctor with the neighbor's little boy... You never did tell them where
} their hamster went.  (Next time, try gerbils... they're smaller)
}
} I also know where all your mother's old clothes went, and why only the
} really large sizes are missing.  Does she?
}
} You owe the Oracle 666 battery-powered glow-in-the-dark condoms.
} Deliver them with the virgins.


454-05    (4ea21 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Lisa a dog, a cat, or a kangaroo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, all three.  You see, Lisa is the *cutest* little Wuzzle, a
} Bow-wow-kanga-puss.  She has the head of a cat, the body of a dog, and
} the pouch and hind legs of a 'roo.  I met her in Toontown when I was
} consulting for Paramount on Star Trek VII.  She's just the sweetest
} thing, and you should see her purr and chase her tail and hop up at
} down all at once, it's just *so* cute, and when I'm tired or unhappy
} from reading sad questions from Supplicants she takes my head in her
} pouch, and it's just like happiness is a warm blanket all over!  Would
} you like me to send you a picture...
}
} (JESUS H. Christ I can't take much more of this!  Kinzler, puh-LEEZE
} come back from Barcelona and do something about the pandemic terminal
} fatuousness that's decimating my supplicants!  Not that I'm a Mensa fan
} or anything, but I do sometimes long for the days when we required
} proof of a 700 combined SAT score before accepting submissions...)


454-06    (69259 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That corpse you planted last year in your garden,
> Has it begun to sprout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and it's all ready asking questions!


454-07    (ad800 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't it catch you by surprise when the shit that's second-nature to
> you because you deal with it day in and day out just spews out of you
> like snot from a toddler's nose, and the person you are talking to
> first stares at you as if you were from Mars and then grabs a cup and
> starts gathering all the stuff up as if it were some kind of cross
> between liquid gold and an ambrosia of the Gods, and then they offer up
> great prayers of praise do your guruhood and spend the next hundred
> years discussing the profound philosophical implications of what you
> just tossed out like an orange rind into the trash, and you stand there
> wondering: "What the fuck kind of crazy world is this, anyway?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most confused and perfunkted suplicant, don't you know about the
} grovelling rule?
}
} To answer your question (though I don't know why), No I am not in the
} least bit astounded by my own wisdom.  Just because I do this shit
} every day for eternity I know that the meager mortals that partake of
} my knowledge do ponder it at length because if they knew what I know
} they wouldn't have any reason to bother me and I could get some work
} done on both my processor and Lisa.
}
} Remember when you ask "what the fuck kind of crazy world is this
} anyway" that it is the best kind, the kind that can be shaped by the
} likes of you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean question with some relavance in the world
} today.


454-08    (27a84 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I call you out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn! They've figured it out! Lisa! Lisa!
}
} "Yes, Orrie?"
}
} Lisa, get all our stuff and pack it in the station wagon, now!
}
} "Whatever for?"
}
} We're going on an... uh... vacation. Yeah, an extended vacation. I hear
} Djakarta is lovely this time of year. Bring only what we will
} absolutely need.
}
} "Okay, I'll go get the Kool Whip."
}
} Good girl, now go. Hmf... damn... I can't believe those supplicants
} finally figured out there was no Usenet Oracle -- it was just old
} non-omniscient me who found an unused terminal connected to iuvax. At
} first it was just a joke, people would send in these serious questions
} and I'd just make up anything that came off the top of my head and put
} this outrageous demand at the end of the note.
}
} And people started ponying up! I can't believe it! Anything I asked for
} they'd send. New computers, piles of gold, their life savings, glacier
} sodas -- you name it. I even got things I thought never existed, such
} as square circles, George Bush's integrity, or the fourth series of
} Star Blazers. If they were reluctant I'd just threaten to *ZOT* them or
} turn their star supernova or something, and they'd be sorted right out!
} It was unbelievable... at first.
}
} Pretty soon I took it for granted. No longer the life of an
} unexceptional failing college super-senior in an obscure state
} university, I was the Usenet *Oracle*! But, yeah, sometimes... late at
} night... I'd toss and turn in bed worrying that one day someone would
} call me out...
}
} Dammit. Oh, well, it was good while it lasted.
}
} "Orrie! I got everything."
}
} Everything? Handcuffs even?
}
} "Yes, in the box marked 'Baked potatoes, 1 gross.' Why are we dressing
}  up like farmers, Orrie?"
}
} Uh... we're going to a costume party in Djakarta.
}
} [Loud banging on the door; the terminal room echoes with the shouts of
} enraged supplicants by the thousands demanding their tributes back.]
}
} That's it. Lisa and I have to go now. Maybe the angry mobs will think
} we're ordinary farmers and we can make our escape and change our
} identities; we should make it through the FBI roadblocks and airport
} checkpoints OK. It'll be sad to think of this glorious lifestyle I had,
} all gone; still, I should be able to get SOME cash in exchange for all
} this junk I've managed to cram into the Dodge. We should be OK, Lisa
} and I. So long, Usenet! It's been fun!
}
} You owe the Oracle blue suede shoes, Alex Wildstar's captain's hat,
} and a new identity or else -- no, no, never mind. Sorry, force of
} habit.


454-09    (26e63 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    "What is your name?"
>                              "The Usenet Oracle."
>    "What is your quest?"
>                              "I seek the Holy Grail."
>    "How much wood would a
>     woodchuck chuck if a
>     woodchuck would chuck
>     wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.    A woodchuck cannot chuck wood, as the question implies, because
} woodchucks don't own drills. A woodchuck can therefore only chuck
} wood in its dreams, where it can in fact chuck as much wood as it
} can imagine. Woodchucks don't have brains, so the answer is:
} a splinter.
}
} 2.    It is clear that a highly-motivated woodchuck could chuck more
} wood than an indifferent woodchuck. We cannot know how much wood is
} involved until we understand the motivation of the character.
} Read "An Actor Prepares", by Konstantin Stanislavski, and resubmit
} the question with a character study of Punxsatawney Phil.
}
} 3.    About as much ground as a groundhog could hog if a
} groundhog could hog ground.
}
} You owe the Oracle one full cord of seasoned hardwood, split and
} neatly stacked.


454-10    (16d74 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, mighty, all-powerful and omniscient Oracle, whose cup of
> coffee I am unworthy to put milk and sugar in,
>
> What is Grissolms "short" maturity test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased with the quality of your groveling, and thereby
} provides for  your  infinite  pleasure,  the complete text of
} Grissolm's short maturity test.  (Assuming you are talking about the
} brilliant, yet obscure  sociologist Frank "Muskrat" Grissolm, Jr.).
}
} Objective: This short test will determine if you are mature.
}
} Question:  You  are  on a subway platform in Midtown Manhattan.
} Getting on to the downtown express train is the most gorgeous person
} of  the  opposite  sex you've  ever  seen,  who  is beckoning you on
} after having stuffed a $100 bill down your pants and whispering in your
} ear "Come live with  me  in  my  sexual fantasyland."  On the platform
} waiting for the Queens local is your overweight spouse and your
} nearsighted toddler.  Do you get on the train?
}
} Scoring: You figure it out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of black coffee.


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