} Dear supplicant,
} You obviously don't know much about the 'American way of Grovelling'
} either, but as I am in a forgiving mood today, having just gotten
} the news that Playboy is going to do a "Girls of the Oracle" feature,
} I won't turn you into a smudge.
} As it happens, you are in luck. The American way of dating is in
} fact identical to that used in most of the rest of the western world.
} Just in case your neck of the woods uses a different system, it
} works like this:
} We generally measure the passage of days in Weeks and Years. A
} Week is a short period of time; 7 days. It consists of the Weekdays
} and the Weekend. The Weekdays are when you pretend to work; the
} Weekend is when you try to not work. The names of the days of the
} Week are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and
} A year consists of 12 months, each with around 30 days in them. The
} months are called January, February, March, April, May, June, July,
} August, September, October, November and December. There is a nice
} rhyme for remembering the number of days, as follows:
} "30 days have September, April, June and November; all the rest have
} 31, except February, which has 28, or 29 each leap year."
} Due to a manufacturing defect, the Earth's orbit doesn't quite fit
} evenly into a nice number of days. Thus we have leap years. A leap
} year is any year that is divisible by 4, except if it is divisible
} by 100, except that if it is divisible by 400 it is a leap year after
} The years are numbered from the alleged birth of my good buddy God's
} oldest son. He wanted them to be numbered from his birthday, but
} had to settle for the former as part of the agreement that ended the
} lawsuit over the even number of days fiasco. As it happens, this was
} a good thing as with the current system, we only need 4 digits so far
} (this year is 1992) but with the system God wanted to use, well, it
} would be a _lot_ of digits, let me tell you.
} And remember, every day is the Oracle's Birthday...
} You owe the Oracle a thoughtful present.