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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi oracle, > > I've got a little question. I'm non-american and therefore don't know > a lot about the 'american way of dating'. > > I have heard a lot of things about that subject and would like to know > more. Since I will be over in the USA for quite a while serious answers > would be much appreciated. > > Thanks a lot

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant, } } You obviously don't know much about the 'American way of Grovelling' } either, but as I am in a forgiving mood today, having just gotten } the news that Playboy is going to do a "Girls of the Oracle" feature, } I won't turn you into a smudge. } } As it happens, you are in luck.  The American way of dating is in } fact identical to that used in most of the rest of the western world. } Just in case your neck of the woods uses a different system, it } works like this: } } We generally measure the passage of days in Weeks and Years.  A } Week is a short period of time; 7 days.  It consists of the Weekdays } and the Weekend.  The Weekdays are when you pretend to work; the } Weekend is when you try to not work.  The names of the days of the } Week are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and } Sunday. } } A year consists of 12 months, each with around 30 days in them.  The } months are called January, February, March, April, May, June, July, } August, September, October, November and December.  There is a nice } rhyme for remembering the number of days, as follows: } } "30 days have September, April, June and November; all the rest have } 31, except February, which has 28, or 29 each leap year." } } Due to a manufacturing defect, the Earth's orbit doesn't quite fit } evenly into a nice number of days.  Thus we have leap years.  A leap } year is any year that is divisible by 4, except if it is divisible } by 100, except that if it is divisible by 400 it is a leap year after } all. } } The years are numbered from the alleged birth of my good buddy God's } oldest son.  He wanted them to be numbered from his birthday, but } had to settle for the former as part of the agreement that ended the } lawsuit over the even number of days fiasco.  As it happens, this was } a good thing as with the current system, we only need 4 digits so far } (this year is 1992) but with the system God wanted to use, well, it } would be a _lot_ of digits, let me tell you. } } And remember, every day is the Oracle's Birthday... } } You owe the Oracle a thoughtful present.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked > like the following: > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO > > ESC    ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ +     <X|    FIND INS RMV  F1 F2 F3 F4 >        ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - =            SEL  PRV NXT   7  8  9  - > TAB     Q W E R T Y U I O P { }     RETURN        ^        4  5  6  , >         q w e r t y u i o p [ ]                 < V >      1  2  3 > LOCK     A S D F G H J K L : " |                           0  .  ENTER >          a s d f g h j k l ; ' \                 HOME > SHIFT   > Z X C V B N M , . ?       SHIFT        FEED >         < z x c v b n m , . / > CTRL >       FUNCT  S_P_A_C_E    BACKSPACE > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > What is it good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, you have truly come to me just in the nick of time, and by } so doing, you have averted horrible disaster which could be brought } upon you and your family.  Before I proceed let me commend you on your } quick thinking and resourcefulness. }       You see, ah wonderfully naive and inexperienced seeker of } wisdom, that think on your desk is an inverted phase dinglewhopper } from the planet Koozbane.  The Koozbanians have been dormant for the } last several epochs, but now they are up to their old tricks.  Act } quickly now, because the dinglewhopper could detonate at any moment. } If it does you will lose all of your higher mental functions, as well } as any whit of common sense that you may have ever had (Dan Quayle } fell victim to one of these several years ago, as did Bill Clinton, } who thought he could escape the ill effects if he just didn't inhale). } First, you must immerse this foul device completely in water, don't } hesitate, run to the nearest restroom and throw it in the toilet. } (I'll wait) }       ...Are you back?  Good!  Oops, you forgot the dinglewhopper, } run back and get it, this is no time to be quibbling about personal } hygiene.  Now, toss it out the nearest second story window.  Make sure } that the window is NOT OPEN. }       Whew, another narrowly diverted disaster. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Disney's Little Mermaid, all the episodes } of the Muppet Show, and a Macintosh Extended Keyboard

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely oracle: > > Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you > spell it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quiet Thursday afternoon at the Oracular Mansion. } } Suddenly the line of questioners is scattered as His Mightiness erupts } into anger. } } "What!  How much wood?  You dare to bother Us with such trivialities } as small forest mammals?  We have answered this question for the last } time!" } } The sound of thunder echos through the landscape, as lightning bolts } blast from the sky overhead only to come together before the Oracular } Throne.  The hapless petitioner appears to glow for just a moment, } and then dissolves forever from this plane of existence. } } "Let the word go forth, to all querants throughout the Universe.  The } Oracle's patience with piddling questions has RUN OUT!  The next person } who attempts to use The Most Wondrous Oracle as an encyclopedia will } suffer a fate the likes of which has not been seen since the days of } yore!  Always RTFM!" } } The next supplicant nervously approaches the throne. } } "WELL?" } } The querant pauses, and then speaks thusly: } } > Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely } > oracle: } > } > Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you } > spell it. } } All is silent in the great hall.  No one moves, but for a small bead of } sweat that slowly makes its way down the cheek of the obsequious } questioner before the throne.  The Oracle's eyes at first begin to } bulge forth from their Oracular sockets, and then slowly sink deep down } into a mighty scowl. } } "Sieeeeeeeeeeze him!" } } Huge guards, all with the facial expression of Mike Tyson at a beauty } contest, seem to materialize from nowhere, grabbing the hapless } individual. Once he his firmly in their grasp, all eyes turn to the } immortal one. } } "Now, off to the Amway meeting with him!  Mwa ha ha ha!" } } A low moan slips from the crowd, as they contemplate the fate of the } newly lost soul.  Despite the supplicant's pleas for mercy, he is } carried off by the huge Tysonesque men.  A wry and satisfied smile } appears on the face of the Mighty One, as he slowly shakes the Oracular } head. } } "Next!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous and magnificent Oracle, lord of a hundred, nay a thousand, > nay a million, nay a billion, nay an infinite insignificant mortal > minds, I beseach of you to answer me this simple, but important (to > both of us) question: > > You what? Where the %#@! am I going to get 666 willing nubile teenage > virgins over the age of consent? If you don't reconsider what I owe > you, I'll have to have a quick word with Lisa......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  Blackmail?  I assure you, cretin, that you are stepping in a big } pile of doo doo if you try to pull *this* one off.  Remember, } simpleton, that I am the All-Knowing.  I know about the time you played } doctor with the neighbor's little boy... You never did tell them where } their hamster went.  (Next time, try gerbils... they're smaller) } } I also know where all your mother's old clothes went, and why only the } really large sizes are missing.  Does she? } } You owe the Oracle 666 battery-powered glow-in-the-dark condoms. } Deliver them with the virgins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Lisa a dog, a cat, or a kangaroo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, all three.  You see, Lisa is the *cutest* little Wuzzle, a } Bow-wow-kanga-puss.  She has the head of a cat, the body of a dog, and } the pouch and hind legs of a 'roo.  I met her in Toontown when I was } consulting for Paramount on Star Trek VII.  She's just the sweetest } thing, and you should see her purr and chase her tail and hop up at } down all at once, it's just *so* cute, and when I'm tired or unhappy } from reading sad questions from Supplicants she takes my head in her } pouch, and it's just like happiness is a warm blanket all over!  Would } you like me to send you a picture... } } (JESUS H. Christ I can't take much more of this!  Kinzler, puh-LEEZE } come back from Barcelona and do something about the pandemic terminal } fatuousness that's decimating my supplicants!  Not that I'm a Mensa fan } or anything, but I do sometimes long for the days when we required } proof of a 700 combined SAT score before accepting submissions...)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That corpse you planted last year in your garden, > Has it begun to sprout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and it's all ready asking questions!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't it catch you by surprise when the shit that's second-nature to > you because you deal with it day in and day out just spews out of you > like snot from a toddler's nose, and the person you are talking to > first stares at you as if you were from Mars and then grabs a cup and > starts gathering all the stuff up as if it were some kind of cross > between liquid gold and an ambrosia of the Gods, and then they offer up > great prayers of praise do your guruhood and spend the next hundred > years discussing the profound philosophical implications of what you > just tossed out like an orange rind into the trash, and you stand there > wondering: "What the fuck kind of crazy world is this, anyway?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most confused and perfunkted suplicant, don't you know about the } grovelling rule? } } To answer your question (though I don't know why), No I am not in the } least bit astounded by my own wisdom.  Just because I do this shit } every day for eternity I know that the meager mortals that partake of } my knowledge do ponder it at length because if they knew what I know } they wouldn't have any reason to bother me and I could get some work } done on both my processor and Lisa. } } Remember when you ask "what the fuck kind of crazy world is this } anyway" that it is the best kind, the kind that can be shaped by the } likes of you. } } You owe the Oracle a clean question with some relavance in the world } today.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I call you out!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn! They've figured it out! Lisa! Lisa! } } "Yes, Orrie?" } } Lisa, get all our stuff and pack it in the station wagon, now! } } "Whatever for?" } } We're going on an... uh... vacation. Yeah, an extended vacation. I hear } Djakarta is lovely this time of year. Bring only what we will } absolutely need. } } "Okay, I'll go get the Kool Whip." } } Good girl, now go. Hmf... damn... I can't believe those supplicants } finally figured out there was no Usenet Oracle -- it was just old } non-omniscient me who found an unused terminal connected to iuvax. At } first it was just a joke, people would send in these serious questions } and I'd just make up anything that came off the top of my head and put } this outrageous demand at the end of the note. } } And people started ponying up! I can't believe it! Anything I asked for } they'd send. New computers, piles of gold, their life savings, glacier } sodas -- you name it. I even got things I thought never existed, such } as square circles, George Bush's integrity, or the fourth series of } Star Blazers. If they were reluctant I'd just threaten to *ZOT* them or } turn their star supernova or something, and they'd be sorted right out! } It was unbelievable... at first. } } Pretty soon I took it for granted. No longer the life of an } unexceptional failing college super-senior in an obscure state } university, I was the Usenet *Oracle*! But, yeah, sometimes... late at } night... I'd toss and turn in bed worrying that one day someone would } call me out... } } Dammit. Oh, well, it was good while it lasted. } } "Orrie! I got everything." } } Everything? Handcuffs even? } } "Yes, in the box marked 'Baked potatoes, 1 gross.' Why are we dressing }  up like farmers, Orrie?" } } Uh... we're going to a costume party in Djakarta. } } [Loud banging on the door; the terminal room echoes with the shouts of } enraged supplicants by the thousands demanding their tributes back.] } } That's it. Lisa and I have to go now. Maybe the angry mobs will think } we're ordinary farmers and we can make our escape and change our } identities; we should make it through the FBI roadblocks and airport } checkpoints OK. It'll be sad to think of this glorious lifestyle I had, } all gone; still, I should be able to get SOME cash in exchange for all } this junk I've managed to cram into the Dodge. We should be OK, Lisa } and I. So long, Usenet! It's been fun! } } You owe the Oracle blue suede shoes, Alex Wildstar's captain's hat, } and a new identity or else -- no, no, never mind. Sorry, force of } habit.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    "What is your name?" >                              "The Usenet Oracle." >    "What is your quest?" >                              "I seek the Holy Grail." >    "How much wood would a >     woodchuck chuck if a >     woodchuck would chuck >     wood?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.    A woodchuck cannot chuck wood, as the question implies, because } woodchucks don't own drills. A woodchuck can therefore only chuck } wood in its dreams, where it can in fact chuck as much wood as it } can imagine. Woodchucks don't have brains, so the answer is: } a splinter. } } 2.    It is clear that a highly-motivated woodchuck could chuck more } wood than an indifferent woodchuck. We cannot know how much wood is } involved until we understand the motivation of the character. } Read "An Actor Prepares", by Konstantin Stanislavski, and resubmit } the question with a character study of Punxsatawney Phil. } } 3.    About as much ground as a groundhog could hog if a } groundhog could hog ground. } } You owe the Oracle one full cord of seasoned hardwood, split and } neatly stacked.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, mighty, all-powerful and omniscient Oracle, whose cup of > coffee I am unworthy to put milk and sugar in, > > What is Grissolms "short" maturity test?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased with the quality of your groveling, and thereby } provides for  your  infinite  pleasure,  the complete text of } Grissolm's short maturity test.  (Assuming you are talking about the } brilliant, yet obscure  sociologist Frank "Muskrat" Grissolm, Jr.). } } Objective: This short test will determine if you are mature. } } Question:  You  are  on a subway platform in Midtown Manhattan. } Getting on to the downtown express train is the most gorgeous person } of  the  opposite  sex you've  ever  seen,  who  is beckoning you on } after having stuffed a $100 bill down your pants and whispering in your } ear "Come live with  me  in  my  sexual fantasyland."  On the platform } waiting for the Queens local is your overweight spouse and your } nearsighted toddler.  Do you get on the train? } } Scoring: You figure it out. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of black coffee.