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Internet Oracularities #456

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456, 456-01, 456-02, 456-03, 456-04, 456-05, 456-06, 456-07, 456-08, 456-09, 456-10


Usenet Oracularities #456    (18 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 15 Jun 92 07:42:24 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   456
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

456   18 votes 05346 01683 04536 125a0 15930 04653 12663 34830 22572 29403
456   3.2 mean  3.6   3.7   3.6   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.4   2.6   3.3   2.6


456-01    (05346 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Clutching at Straws <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked
> like the following:
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO
>
> ESC    ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ +     <X|    FIND INS RMV  F1 F2 F3 F4
>        ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - =            SEL  PRV NXT   7  8  9  -
> TAB     Q W E R T Y U I O P { }     RETURN        ^        4  5  6  ,
>         q w e r t y u i o p [ ]                 < V >      1  2  3
> LOCK     A S D F G H J K L : " |                           0  .  ENTER
>          a s d f g h j k l ; ' \                 HOME
> SHIFT   > Z X C V B N M , . ?       SHIFT        FEED
>         < z x c v b n m , . /
> CTRL
>       FUNCT  S_P_A_C_E    BACKSPACE
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> What is it good for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By itself, not much.  You need to find something to
} plug it into.  Here are some things to look for:
}
}     _____________________________________________
}    /                                             \
}    |   _______________________________________   |
}    |  /                                       \  |
}    |  | C:\> _                                |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  \_______________________________________/  |
}    |                                  o o o      |
}    \_____________________________________________/
}  ___________________________________________________
} |                                 | _________p___ | |
} |  O = o o =     =============    |_______________| |
} |                =============    |   _________ _ | |
} |  ===========================    |_______________| |
} |  ===========================    |               | |
} |  IBM                            |_______________| |
} |___________________________________________________|
}
} With this machine you can play Tetris, raise and breed
} computer viruses, and format your hard disk.
}
}     _____________________________________________
}    /                                             \
}    |   _______________________________________   |
}    |  /_______________________________________\  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |        _______________________        |  |
}    |  |       |                       |       |  |
}    |  |       | Welcome to Macintrash |       |  |
}    |  |       |_______________________|       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  |                                       |  |
}    |  \_______________________________________/  |
}    |     ,                               __      |
}    \____()_______________________________________/
}  ___________________________________________________
} |__________________________________________==_______|
} | ----------------------------------                |
} |     ,                                             |
} |    () ..... II..                                  |
} |___________________________________________________|
}
} With this machine you can watch pretty fireworks 95% of
} the day, hear a monkey scream every time you point at
} something, and not have to worry about running GNU
} software.
}
}   ____________________________________________
}  /                                            \
}  |   _______________________________          |
}  |  /                               \  -----  |
}  |  | login: _                      | | EDT | |
}  |  |                               |         |
}  |  |                               |         |
}  |  |                               |         |
}  |  |                               |         |
}  |  |                               |         |
}  |  |                               | digital |
}  |  |                               |  VT100  |
}  |  \_______________________________/         |
}  |                                            |
}  \____________________________________________/
}
} With this machine, you can send horrible insults to
} total strangers halfway around the globe, uudecode
} filthy GIF pictures, and remove your home directory.
}
}  _____________________________________________
} /                                             \
} |   _______________________________________   |
} |  /.......................................\  |
} |  |.......................................|  |
} |  |......................=--xlogo--==.....|  |
} |  |......................| \\     / |.....|  |
} |  |.....=--------xterm---|  \\   /  |.....|  |
} |  |.....| $ _            |   \\ /   |.....|  |
} |  |.....|                 ----------......|  |
} |  |.....|                         |.......|  |
} |  |.....|_________________________|.......|  |
} |  \_______________________________________/  |
} |                                     NCD     |
} \_____________________________________________/
}
} With this machine, you can display filthy GIF pictures,
} waste 3 megabytes of your host's memory waiting for new
} email, and play Tetris (if the network's not too slow).
}
} You owe the Oracle four new arrow keys.


456-02    (01683 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If, as you insist, oh Oracle most knowledgeable, my Deskjet 500C is
> indeed outranked by both my 486/33 and my choice of only the best of
> Windows operating-systems running on the PC platform today, then how
> am I to get colour prints without investing megabucks in colour laser
> technology? Hmmmm...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CRAYONS!


456-03    (04536 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, educator of the sages.  I beseech you to share
> some of your wisdom!  Magnificent one, it is commonly known that there
> is more than one way to skin a cat.  How many ways are there, and which
> one of them is the best?  References would be greatly appreciated,
> especially ones with illistrations.
>
> My humblest thanks,
> A Cat Lover

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are 73 ways to skin a cat, but most of them differ only in the
} color of the knife and the flavor of the marinade.  If one factors out
} these minor variations, there are 19 distinct methods.  Categorizing
} any one of them as "best" is nearly impossible.  The Oracle can do it,
} of course, but will base the ranking on a choice of your priorities.
} Illustrations can be obtained in a variety of GIF formats by anonymous
} ftp from archive.aspca.com.
}
} Neatest Way to Skin a Cat: Break the cat's neck, and toss it into a
} deep-freeze for several months.  Skin it with a carrot peeler.  Use
} long, even strokes.
}
} Fastest Way to Skin a Cat: Sand-blasting.
}
} Most Humane Way to Skin a Cat: Let the cat die of old age after a life
} filled with the joys of companionship, reproduction, frequent feedings,
} and warm cuddles of an evening.  Bury the cat tastefully in an
} expensive pet cemetary adorned with shade trees and flowering plants.
} Mourn without excess.  After 20 or 30 years, the cat's skin is likely
} to be mostly gone.
}
} Most Appalling Way to Skin a Cat: Cut one long incision along the cats
} back from just behind the ears to the base of the tail.  Separate the
} skin from the body on either side of the incision with a blunt knife.
} Remove strips around the cat's body with paper scissors, rubbing the
} exposed flesh liberally with salt.  Warning: Remember to extract the
} claws and teeth with a sturdy pair of pliers before beginning; if not,
} be prepared for a vigorous struggle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a leopard-skin rug and a full-length lynx coat.


456-04    (125a0 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle, keeper of the feared Lisa, please tell me. .
>
> Is Lisa married and if not, will she marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [BEEP]
}
} Hi!  This is the Usenet Oracle.  I'm sorry, but I'm out of town right
} now with my lovely mistress Lisa.  You may press <9> to return to the
} main menu at any time.  If you are dialing in from a touch tone ph-
}
} [BEEP]
}
} The Usenet Oracle's brain-teaser of the day.  You may press <9> to
} return to the main menu at any time.  Today's brain teaser is: "Spot
} the <ZOT> button!"
}
} If you are sending a question about the future, please press <1>.
} If you are wondering about the present, please press <2>.  If you have
} a question about the past, please press <3>.  If you are proposing to
} Lisa, please press <4>.  If you are a hard-line dictator of a Soviet
} successor state, please press <5>.  If you have sent mail to the wrong
} address, please press <6>.  If you think the Oracle is a great and
} wondrous being and have sent mail for the "Oracluarism of the Day",
} please press <7>.  If you think that the Oracle is a big fat slug and a
} waste of good electricity, please press <4>.  If you have forgotten the
} pre-requisite grovel, the <4> will be pressed for you at this tim-
}
} [ZOT]
}
} You owe The Oracle a new telephone and a promise not to ever even
} *think* about Lisa again.


456-05    (15930 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*
>
> *gasp*
>
> Oh Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of Rico?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Siskel:       Now this, for me, was one of the finer scenes of the
}       movie.  This final quote from the alien (speaking, of course, to
}       Sigourney Weaver) truly makes this film one of the great
}       classics.  I give it a thumbs up.
}
} Ebert:        Maybe, but I found this scene to be entirely too
}       derivative of another film, "Wayne's World."  This sudden
}       fascination with Edward G. Robinson impressions frightens me,
}       although I admit that he looked enough like an alien that this
}       film makes it work.  I'll give it a half a thumb and a wad of gum
}       from the bottom of my chair.
}
} Siskel:       Okay, after the commercial break, we'll take a look at
}       two of the summer's box office smashes, "Batman Returns a Gift to
}       K Mart" and "The Adventures of the Oracle and Lisa in the Land of
}       Forbidden Playtex Products."


456-06    (04653 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who can transfer heat without a change in
> temperature,
>
> Are there any other laws of thermodynamics we don't know about yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I am not really supposed to tell you this, but there *are* many,
} many laws of thermodynamics that you lowly mortals have yet to
} discover, and I, the Oracle, am fully aware of.  Here is a small sample
} of what you have yet to discover :
}
} Law #345 : It takes CheezeWhiz exactly 45.6 seconds to become heated to
} 89 degrees Centigrade regardless of the model microwave used.  Energy
} is never conserved.
}
} Law #67 : When two stars collide, things get really hot.
}
} Law #666 : Your car's engine will only overheat if you are more than
} 100 miles away from a gas station or other servicing facility.
}
} Law #42 : Any question regarding thermodynamics posed in a textbook can
} be answered by taking the fifty-fifth root of the page number and then
} multiplying it by the number of atoms in the textbook, and then taking
} the imaginary root, and then adding one.
}
} Law #999 : There is NO Law #999!
}
} Law #876 : The amount of energy released when your house burns down is
} exactly equivalent to the amount of energy your brain consumes in the
} following hour of frenzy.
}
} So, as you can see, there are many,many laws you have yet to discover.
} Just make sure you never discover Law #12, since I have computed a
} 99.998 % probability that all of mankind will cease to exist if it is
} figured out. Skip over it and work on #13 instead.  Your friendly
} neighborhood physicist, the Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a perpetual motion machine that runs backwards.


456-07    (12663 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Australia, 2015. Sometime after the Oil Wars.
>
> Cooper's Folly. The last town before Hell's alley.
>
>    Here, the truckers mingle with the gangs that prey on them. The
> smell of gasoline and cordite waft in the air. In the town's only pub,
> cybered truckers with shotguns glare stonily at the new barbarians.
> They don't ask your name here. The desperate, the guilty come here. And
> those that hunt them.
>
>    The scene: Inside the pub. It's been a good night, only two deaths
> so far. But there is tension in the air. No man here can afford to back
> down, and everyone carrys a weapon. Or they're dead already.
>
>    The door bursts open. Heads turn to face it, and eyes widen as they
> see the dark shadow of The Oracle. The Oracle, most feared of the
> bounty-hunters ! He strides into the room, his cold eyes scanning
> backwards and forwards like an autocannon. His squeeze, Lisa, leans
> against the doorway, blocking any way out for the guilty. No-one messes
> with Lisa, fastest gun in the outback. What she can do with a whip
> brings tears to the eyes of any man.
>
>    The Oracle spies his target. The other gangers at the table scramble
> to get out of his way as he strides towards his quaking target. He
> prods the begrimed fugitive with his shotgun, and growls in his
> gravelly voice:
>
> "Thimon Thmith the Theep Thmuggler ? I have a warrent for your arretht

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The silence is deafening.  The man many have described as the nastiest
} piece of dog poo on the shoe of society slowly lays down his cards and
} shifts his cigarette stub to the other corner of his mouth.  He looks
} up. Sure enough, there is Warren just behind Lisa holding the
} handcuffs.  The Oracle fixes the lowlife with a steely glare.  Warren
} hefts the cuffs. Lisa hopes he doesn't drop them, they are her favorite
} set.
}
} The chair scrapes unimaginable things off the floor as it slides slowly
} backwards.
}
} He rises.
} He turns.
} He opens his mouth.
} He takes a big breath...
}
} -=*<POW>*=- !!  Nobody even saw her move.  Little is left to show for
} the encounter except for a strangely twisted and very still shape on
} the floor, and the fading imprint of five fingers on the luscious curve
} of Lisa's glorious tribute to mammalianism.  The Oracle shakes his head
} ruefully.
}
} "You know, it'th a thtrange thing, I lotht my front teeth the thame
} way. The liketh it if you athk firtht."


456-08    (34830 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle,
> whose signal processor catches all signals, even kill -9,
> whose hard disks are so hard not even diamonds will scratch them,
> whose floating point unit floats a point 10000 km upriver,
> whose keyboard's keys unlock every door,
>
> why do all those clueless idiots assume that Karl Marx was Russian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Karl Who ?
}
}    Oh him ! He's not Russian. In fact, as has been assumed by many a BA
} student, he was the fifth Marx Brother.
}
}    Unfortunatly, his greatest joke was taken seriously, and Lenin et al
} attempted to build a society on it.
}
}    The last Russian who had a sense of humor was Rasputin, as shown in
} his immortal line "Cathy, am I man enough for you ?". So they shot him.
} The world, having perceived "Das Capital" as the most boring book since
} the Icelandic translation of the Bible, rather than the comic
} masterpiece it is, naturally assumed the author was Russian.
}
}    You owe the Oracle the version of "Das Capital" with the neat
} cartoons.


456-09    (22572 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O noble Oracle! Oracle whose phlegm I am not fit to see!
>
> Do women write on bathroom walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shall we take a look ?
}
} KILROY WAS HERE, BUT WE CASTRATED HIM.
} THE ORACLE, WHAT A MAN !
} IF THEY CAN SEND ONE MAN TO THE MOON, WHY NOT THEM ALL ?
} LISA YOU'RE ONE LUCKY BITCH !
} I WANTED TO HAVE A CHILD NOT MARRY ONE !
} 12 INCHES I TELL YOU ! THAT ORACLE REALLY IS A GOD !
} PMT IS NOW A DEFENSE FOR MURDER. JUST THOUGHT Y'ALL WOULD WANT TO KNOW.
}
}    So there you have it. Not only do they write on walls, but there are
} a few examples of their scribblings. Why, I bet -
}
} >> Orrie, I heard the strangest rumor. You were caught in the female
}    bathrooms by one of the guards with a pen in hand. How do you
}    explain that ?
}
}    Umm, you see, Lisa, it was like this...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good excuse. Quick.


456-10    (29403 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE stop WHOSE SWEAT-SOCKS I AN UNFIT TO WASH
> WITH MY TONGUE stop PLEASE ANSWER ME THIS:stop
> WWHY DID WESTERN UNION BUY MY E-MAIL SERVER?stop

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OH SUPPLICANT stop BECAUSE THE ILLUMINATI TOLD THEM TO stop AND UNLESS
} YOU PREVENT THEM THEY'LL TAKE OVER THE INDIANA SITE AS W---
}
} <line noise>
} <message unable to be completed>
} <please submit question (fnord) again>


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