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Internet Oracularities #457

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Usenet Oracularities #457    (29 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 16 Jun 92 08:03:49 -0500

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   457
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

457   29 votes 06f53 339a4 89651 68a32 3c842 8d503 a5860 24b93 24ab2 58c31
457   2.8 mean  3.2   3.3   2.4   2.6   2.7   2.2   2.3   3.2   3.2   2.6


457-01    (06f53 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great, Wonderful, Stupendous, Colassal, Deity-About-Town!
>
> How is it that the less Ross Perot says, the more people think he makes
> a good President?  Does this mean I can tape my mouth shut and get
> instantly elected?  If so, do you think duct tape sends the wrong
> message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Diety-About-Town?  You obviously haven't seen my schedule lately.
}  Between the whipped honey-cream parties and answering questions, I
}  barely have time to leave the house long enough to trim the hedges.
}  You wouldn't believe how fast those pesky Triffids can grow...]
}
} Indeed, the more Perot says, the less desireable a candidate he
} becomes. This is known as the "husha-you-face" factor amongst
} politicians.  Carter seriously wished he had never talked to _Playboy_.
} Nixon really wishes he hadn't been *quite* so tape-happy.  You will
} notice Reagan said practically *nothing* during his two terms and
} enjoyed one of the highest public approval ratings this century.
} Contrast this with Quayle's inability to open his mouth without
} toe-tickling his tonsils.  Yup, definite trend here.
}
} Face it, you humans were never designed to _talk_ so much.  "How's the
} weather" indeed.  "Read my lips."  NO NO NO!  You people were meant to
} be highly telepathic and in touch with your surroundings.  Do you know
} how long the Big Guy had to work to get all of that into your tiny
} brain cavities? So what do you people do?  Ignore it and chatter away
} like monkies.  It's enough to drive a diety crazy.
}
} You can feel free to try the "tape measure" to ensure your instant
} electability. Don't use duct tape..it suggests lameness.  Trust me,
} however, you _don't_ want the job.  (I'm omniscient, remember?  I know
} the future...and 1994 is going to be a _bad_ year for anybody
} within...oh...30 megatons of the DC area. You have been warned.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the missing 18 minutes.


457-02    (339a4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, great and wise, who put the thunder into thunder-thighs,
> who has never been one to comprimise, who's very brain has the biggest
> size, please answer this question:
>
> How does Thing from the Addams family eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Notre Dame (AP)
}    Tonight, movie fans around the country are saddened by the apparent
} death of Thing, the walking hand best known from his movie role
} in "The Addams Family."
}    Thing, age 34, had not been seen in public since the release of
} his last movie in late 1991. His last public appearance was as a
} bit-part during the Academy Awards show, where he walked a small
} wagon across the stage.
}     "I'm really going to miss him. That Thing gave me endless
} amounts of pleasure", said Maude "Morticia" Addams, who owned
} the house where Thing lived. Addams added "Playing with Thing
} really gave new meaning to the term 'magic fingers'."
}     "Personally, I always suspected that thing had a drinking
} problem," reports Walter "Gomez" Addams, Thing's long-time companion.
} "I'd see him get up in the morning, crawl off Morticia, my wife,
} go out to the kitchen and pour himself three fingers of Brandy.
} He did this almost everyday."
}     "I'm glad he's dead," said Marion "Fester" Addams, who also
} lived with Thing. "It was better than the life he was leading.
} I remember how distraught Thing was, during the last couple
} months of his life.
}      It all started when Thing went to a Taco Bell. The sign
} in the restroom said "wash your hands". Since he had only one,
} this caused him such severe metal anguish that we had to put
} him in the hospital. He was never his old self after that.
} He started developing hangnails, hitchhiking, hairy palms."
}       Fester also reports that Thing was under a doctor's
} care, and had been taking massive amounts of Digitalis,
} a heart drug, for the last couple of months.
}       While Thing was widly regarded as a cornerstone
} of the motion picture industry, many critics point out
} that he was often typecast in roles where no one else
} would give him a hand.
}       It is also unknown what Thing ever ate, although
} it is suspected that he lived off finger-foods.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Hollywood Free Press,
} and dinner at Spago's.


457-03    (89651 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, Lord of Knowledge, Trove of Wisdom,
> King of golden Data -
>
> From far foreign Countries I have come, through Rain and Snow
> and burning Hail, past orcish Legions, hellish Hounds, and Droves of
> Lawyers rabid -
>
> To beg from you a Favor small, a Token mere of mental Light, for in
> Darkness I do wander -
>
> How is it that, how can it be, while all God's Children have but one,
> to make brown Piles and fertile Plants, to soil the Earth and stench
> the Lands -
>
> That Creature now with Heads a-two, to push me here and pull to you,
> has none and yet does eat so much, and can not set those Smells a-flow,
> though enternally the But of Jokes -
>
> Doolittle now, did he know, and if yes, did he tell You so, why the
> Pushme-Pull-you has no Hole, and how, oh how, do they go? To where
> vanishes the Food they eat, the Grasses green, the tough, hard Meat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh great and wonderous...
}
} Not bad. Five out of ten for grovelling.
}
} > ...Rain and Snow...
}
} Hmmm, you look to me like a rich yuppie in a warm
} residence at an exclusive university, where orcs and
} hell hounds couldn't possibly afford the tuition
} fees. However, you *are* surrounded by law students.
} That is suffering enough.
}
} > ...a Favor small...
}
} For me that is. By mortal standards, equivalent to
} abolishing the US deficit or raising Quayles IQ.
}
} Mortal, you owe the Oracle:
}
} "Orrie!"
}
} Oh, the answer, yes. Thanks Lisa.
}
} The two mouths of the Pushme-Pullyou connect to a
} single stomach, making the beast, mathematically
} speaking, a tube. Around midnight it quietly inverts
} itself, revealing the normally hidden internal organs
} and allowing it to offload the undigested portions
} of grass and meat.
}
} The Oracle also suggests you cease to wander in Darkness.
} You are likely to step in a brown pile, and while not
} stenching the Lands, certainly stenching your living
} quarters.
}
} Mortal, you owe the Oracle: Dr Doolittles topology thesis.


457-04    (68a32 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@ravel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, miserable little supplicant, so miserable that thou art beyond even
} the need to grovel, the Oracle grants you answers to both your
} questions, for the oracle is generous:
}
} To your first question, "Why?" the Oracle answers:
}
} It is said of Master Stallman, that Master Minsky once chanced to meet
} him in a cafeteria. Stallman asked, "What can we do about the state the
} computer industry is in?" and Minsky took his tray to the head of the
} line and put it down and picked it up again. He said, "See? Push! Pop!
} It works!"
}
} At that moment, Stallman was enlightened.
}
} To comprehend the Babbage-nature of this, you must know that cafeteria
} trays are generally an off-white color.
}
} In short, then: Because.
}
} To your second question, "Me?" the Oracle answers:
}
} Yes, you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good shave for under a nickel.


457-05    (3c842 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh my i think i'm in trouble
>
> i saw a little bottle that said "drink me" so I did
> and then o jeez did i ever start to feel funny
> and then everything around me got really big and i
> think i'm trapped on the wrong side of a mirror and
> they're after me and want me for tea and my poor
> doggie is here with me and we are scared scared and
> can't get back home, oh dear oracle what can we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your failure to grovel is most appalling, but I'm fascinated by the
} challenge of your seemingly complex predicament.
}
} First, don't panic.  You're currently lost in a new top-secret project
} at Disney World that's planned to be the central attraction of
} Loopyland.  The theme of this sector of the park is the illogical
} combination of fictional places from family-oriented books and movies.
} You stumbled in there after snarfing 15 corn dogs and then riding on
} The Mad Hatter's Wild Tea Party continuously for an hour.
}
} The attraction you're bumbling about in is provisionally called "Dumb
} Blonde Wizard Through the Wonder-Glass in Oz".  However, since "Dumb
} Blonde" sounds a lot like "Dumbo", Michael Eisner (the current Disney
} CEO) plans to eventually shorten the name to "Glass Oz" in an effort to
} avoid confusion with the flying elephant.  Ingeniously enough, he also
} hopes the name "Glass Oz" will appeal to the young rock-n-roll crowd
} who Eisner hopes will mistake the attraction for some sort of deviate
} David Bowie wax museum and dance hall.
}
} Anyway, back to your predicament: To get out, just kick the dog three
} times and say repeatedly, "There's no place like Disney World," over
} and over until a park employee hears the dog's yelps of pain and comes
} to investigate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a week's vacation at a theme park in Kansas.


457-06    (8d503 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is this Modem so f*cking slow?
> Why is my bank account so low?
> Why does the wind so heav'ly blow?
> Why is this poem rhyming, though?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your modem is so slow, my slave
} Because inside it when the city did pave
} Is a piece of asphalt, so gooey and black
} That my CPU had to screen itself from your flack:
}
} My supplicant, lower still will your bank account go
} When I'm through with it, for didn't you know
} That in your human, simple inferiority
} You forgot to grovel in front of your God (that's me)
}
} And the wind, so heavily will it scream
} That like a vacation will a Sahara sandstorm seem
} And you shall know the Oracles wrath
} Until you'd rather a slug be than in its path
}
} Unless off the rag does Lisa come
} For life with her now is really no fun
} When this time of month comes rather *I'd* be a slug
} Than have this frusteration, and my own electric cord tug.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Annabel Lee"


457-07    (a5860 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Great and Wise
> With the deepest deep brown eyes
> Whose knowledge is deep and whose wisdom is grand
> who can open a bottle with one hand
>
> I ask you this with my deepest sincerity
> for a word that rhymes with that is a rarity
> Please answer me this with the kind of truth
> that I haven't heard from Washington since before my youth
>
> I am a white male about 6'3"
> I could lose some weight, that's easy to see
> but no visible scars, no facial tatoos
> just a loop earring and a case of the blues
>
> I fell head over heels with a woman from Boston
> and I learned for myself what waiting could cost one
> We shared political ideals and an interest in Green
> Let me get to my point and you'll see what I mean
>
> I asked her out a year and a half ago
> I didn't ask again; a mistake I know
> except once for lunch, when she didn't eat
> I don't recall but I don't think she ate meat
>
> But she graduated about a month ago
> and I have a full year left, you know
> She'll spend the summer here, then travel east
> Where I think I'll pass her, driving west from DC
>
> I have an internship in a lobbying group
> This quandry has me thrown for a loop
> I want to get close, make up for my errors
> but knowing my past, I dream in terror
>
> I've lived all over, never for more than four years
> And each move came with many tears
> because in every move since my birth
> my best friends drop off the face of the earth.
>
> So I ask you, grand Oracle of Usenet
> who I cannot fully describe, I'll bet
> Is there any way I can buck the odds, sir?
> and actually find a way to connect with her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has got hip to free verse.  Cool, cats.  Beat me, baby, four
} to the bar:
}
} I saw the best Supplicants of my generation destroyed by romance,
}    starving hysterical lobbyists
} dragging themselves through D.C. at dawn looking for a woman from
}    Boston,
} angelheaded tall white males burning for the ancient heavenly
}    connection to buck the odds
} who quandary and loop earrings and blue sat up preparing case studies
}    in the supernatural boredom of a Washington studio apartment
}    listening to MTV and drinking Diet Coke
} who moved every four years only to move again womanless and Green to
}    the visionary Main Streets of the wild naked grandmothers of Kansas
} who howled on their knees before VT100's to the Oracle, screaming
}    mantras of queries about politically correct lost loves
} who jumped off the Washington Monument, twisted wrecked hipsters on the
}    grass grunting out their last "OM" when the Usenet Oracle from the
}    starry dynamo screamed truth in their blasted ears: "No way, cat!"


457-08    (24b93 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and allknowing intelligence who guides our destiny, do tell...`
>
> Chemical Engineering is killing me.  I have six quarters remaining.
> should I tough it out?
>
> Thanks Mr. Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, pardon me for a moment while I boot up the old crystal ball
} (I always use antique methods for guidance counselling).
}
} }CBALL.ORACLE.DIV
} }LOGIN PLEASE: oracle
} }PASSWORD:
} }
} }YES, YOUR WORSHIP: future chem-eng six-quarters-left
} }
} }Optimistic: DOW LETS YOU DO GREAT THINGS - Supplicant will find
} }  gainful employment while discovering chemical fertilizer that
} }  allows third-world countries to triple food production.  Said
} }  countries then quadruple their population, start a massive war
} }  when the food runs out, resulting in massive ecological damage
} }  and widespread death.  Supplicant retires as a millionaire.
} }
} }Middle of the road: Supplicant will find gainful employment as a
} }  lab technical staffer in an industrial research facility. Supplicant
} }  killed while during invasion of lab by eco-terrorists.
} }
} }Pessimistic: Supplicant will find gainful employment while discovering
} }  pesticide effective against most disease-carrying insects. Pesticide
} }  is then used worldwide, and only later discovered to cause normally
} }  beneficial microbes to mutate into virulent diseases. Supplicant
} }  retires as a millionaire, only to be eaten by his next hamburger.
} }
} }YES, YOUR WORSHIP: logout
} }
} }CBALL.ORACLE.DIV
} }LOGIN PLEASE:
}
} Hmm, two chances out of three to retire as a millionaire.  I say
} go for it!
}
} You owe the oracle $1.50 (your last six quarters)


457-09    (24ab2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise!
> Can you bring me some flowers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant finishes typing his puerile question, straightens and
} stretches, removes his thick black-rimmed glasses for cleaning, picks
} his nose with a spare little finger, tastes the result speculatively,
} and takes a sip of his (now cold) coffee.
}
} He stops.  He becomes aware of a distant rumbling noise, rapidly coming
} closer.  For the first time in many hours he prises himself out of his
} chair, as his screen-blanker kicks in with a sigh of relief.  He makes
} his way to the window and pulls back the heavy curtains, squinting in
} the bright sunlight and sneezing violently with the clouds of dust he
} raises.
}
} Dimly through the grimy glass he can make out a huge mountain.  That
} wasn't there last time he looked, just last, er, year.  And this is no
} ordinary mountain.  Ordinary mountains do not have rivers of lava
} coursing down their flanks towards a house which has no right being
} there anyway.  Nor do they have enormous waterfalls, coming out of
} nowhere, pouring in unimaginably huge tracts towards his windows.
}
} His last thought, if it could be called such, before being smashed to
} oblivion by a cataract flowing in Oracular proportions, and then being
} roasted alive and embalmed forever by the flow of molten rock, is that
} this will be the last time he underestimates the Oracle.  Funny how
} somebody can be so wrong all of their life and then finally get it
} right when it no longer counts.  If the Oracle can interpret a word in
} a different way, he always will..........


457-10    (58c31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Master of Calendars, Grand Oracle of them all, please help me with
> my trite problem:
>
> Here in the United States, we have to some extent unified our
> observation of federal holidays from work to Mondays.  For example, we
> celebrate birthdays of important people not on their actual anniversary
> dates but on the nearest Monday.  This gives us more three-day weekends
> and unifies the number of holidays between the governmental and private
> sectors.
>
> I think it's a great idea.  More three-day weekends and the week after
> returning to work is a four-dayer(That makes it easier to recover from
> all that partying and stuff.)  But my company also observes Good
> Friday(I think because of its origin in a heavily Catholic country.)
> Well, sure it's a guaranteed three-day weekend but the week after is
> five days long. Why can't I convince my management to observe Good
> Friday on the nearest Monday?  I mean, hell, I'm not religious, except
> about You of course.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, the answer is too simple, so I'll pose it as a question: have you
} ever convinced your management to do *anything* that makes sense?
}
} I didn't think so.
}
} You owe the Oracle a job without management -- or a management
} position.


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