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Internet Oracularities #458

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458, 458-01, 458-02, 458-03, 458-04, 458-05, 458-06, 458-07, 458-08, 458-09, 458-10


Usenet Oracularities #458    (29 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 18 Jun 92 07:41:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   458
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

458   29 votes 3c950 3ad21 36d16 48962 18947 27965 4b851 158a5 23a86 27a73
458   3.0 mean  2.6   2.6   3.0   2.8   3.3   3.2   2.6   3.4   3.4   3.1


458-01    (3c950 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does a white shark love the pilot fish which clean up its leavings?
} Does a tomato plant love the ladybugs which devour the aphids that suck
} its juices?  Do you love the e. coli that benignly infest your bowels?
} The question is meaningless.  The Oracle loves Lisa, chocolate fudge
} backrubs, and double sunsets in the mountains of the planet Gannath.
}
} You owe the Oracle an "I Heart Lisa" tee-shirt in black leather.


458-02    (3ad21 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <std.grovel>
>
> Where can I get the g++ documentation?  Why isn't American beer any
> good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you miserable mortal.  You only included one grovel, and two
} questions...
}
} What should we do about this?  I know, I'll answer your questions, but
} I'll do it mixed together...
}
} g++ documentation can be acquired by getting c++ documentation and
} doing a rot4 on the text.  American beer is often good, you just
} haven't met the right Americans yet.  Personally, I don't mind c++ too
} much, but usually I find that the students work warrants a b--, and end
} up giving that to them instead.  In fact, take the example of Samuel
} Adams, Brewer, Patriot.  g++ remember was created by the evil Minions
} of Strange Birds, and thus should not be used for critical applications
} unless you like bird shit on your computer.  Anyone who can be a brewer
} and a patriot really has his stuff together, I tell you.  But, if you
} insist on using g++ without documentation, the least you can do is
} comment someone else's code.  There are many other examples of American
} beer that is good, but I don't have the time to tell you about them,
} and you wouldn't understand anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flightless bird and a carboy.


458-03    (36d16 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge is but a drop in the
> bucket of human wisdom -- oops, I meant that the other way around --
> whose sexual prowess exceeds that of even the horniest tenured
> professor in a room full of coeds, and who could find a coach to make
> even the Northwestern Wildcats win, please answer me this question:
>
> As I sit here, faced with the burden of a 20-page paper and a 15-page
> paper, both due tomorrow, why can't I just *do* them instead of
> diddling around all the time?  Will I finish before my deadline, just
> 19 short hours away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were on shaky ground until the Wildcats reference.
}
} It's all relative, in fact its very simple.  All that you need to do is
} change your number base.  20 is really 6, only expressed in base 3.  15
} is really 11, expressed in base 5.
}
} So already we have reduced the nubmer of pages you have to write down
} to 17.  Unfortunately, this argument is not going to impress those who
} are awaiting your paper, unless you can prove beyond doubt that you
} have a valid reason for counting in base 3.
}
} Look at it this way: why do most humans count in base 10?  Simple:
} because they have 10 fingers.  Therefore, to count in base 3, you
} merely have to remove seven fingers.  Once you have done this, you will
} note that it is impossible to count to 11 in base 5, so whoever asked
} you to write the second paper obviously has no idea how to count.
}
} You owe the Oracle the sheet music for Tchaikovsky's First, arranged
} for three fingers.


458-04    (48962 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Gracious, Wise and Wonderful Oracle, so magnificent
> that you cause letters from your name to appear anywhere and
> everywhere (LikE this sEntenCE, fOR ExAmpLE), answer me this...
>
> Recently on TV, I've noticed more commercials for "feminine hygene"
> products.  As a guy, these commercials mean nothing to me, and
> when I ask my girlfriend to explain what they're for, she always
> changes the conversation or knees me in the crotch.  O Wise Oracle,
> are these products real, or are these commercials some secret code
> that females the world over are using to send messages regarding
> the conquest of males?  Are "freshness", "muscle relaxants" and
> "wings" special phrases relating to some covert military operation
> that is about to be sprung?  Please help me, because I'm getting
> worried. (Three times this week, my girlfriend wouldn't come to the
> phone to talk to me because she was watching "Oprah"...is this
> connected?)
>
> Many thanks, O Illustrous Oracle.
> Jon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle hasn't noticed any such thing. Hmm, let me ask Lisa...
} [thump thump thump]
} Lisa? Are you busy? I need to ask you something for a Supplicant...
} Here, read this. No, not the one about the Koala and the Banana. _This_
} one. Yeah, right under the nosferatu necrophilia. So, what's the story,
} Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, why are you staring at me like that? Lisa.....
}
} [ker-THWOMP]
}
} Lisa, put down that knife... Lisa, I don't want to ZOT! you....
}
} Lisa, get away from that terminal! Don't touch that power line! Lisa, I
} mean it! You'll only hurt yourself!
}
} I'll get back to you on this one as soon as I straighten this out..
}
} Lisa! NOT THE HIGH-VOLTAGE LINE! LIS[FZAM!].............................
} ........................................................................
} ........................................................................
} ........................................................................


458-05    (18947 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: oracle
> Subject: Directory Exceeds Quota Allocation
>
> On Jun 4, 1992, at 02:03 am, you appear to be over quota in the
> following directories:
>
> iuvax:/usr/oracle, quota 1000000, usage 1067329, is over quota
>
> Please comply with your quota restrictions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Big O:
} Quota??  QUOTA!!!?  I don't need no stinking QUOTA!  You expect ME,
} the Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent Cosmic Oracle, whose
} operational parameters the Great Galumphing Megabrain of Sirus IV is
} not worthy to calculate; whose all-encompassing intelligence is
} capable of simultaneously simulating 10^23 variations of virtual
} realities of the cosmos down to the sub-quark level; whose memory
} holds over a dozen enumerated infinite series; ME! -- you expect ME
} to make do with a puny 1000000 blocks of disk storage??  Why, I blow
} away more than that with a mild sneeze!
}
} System AdMinistrator (SAM):
} Well, Mr. O, all that may be well and good, but I've got this memo
} here, you see, and it clearly states that all minor deity accounts on
} iuvax are limited to 1000000.
}
} Big O:
} MINOR deity!?  How DARE you! [I've got to teach this bozo a lesson!
} Let's see how he likes a ZOT]
}
}    iuvax: ZOT sam
}    ZOT: permission denied
}
} Damn!  What's wrong!?
}
} SAM:
} Sorry Mr. O, but we weren't quite sure how you'd take the news, so we
} thought it best to temporarily revoke your super-oracle privileges.
} It's all right here in this memo...
}
} Big O (with tears starting to appear):
} No!  You mean I can't even create new universes or anything?
}
} SAM: I'm afraid not until you take care of the storage situation.
}
} Big O:  Well, ok.  I guess I could do some housecleaning.  Let me see!
}
}    iuvax: cd /usr/oracle
}    iuvax: du -s
}    1067329 .
}    iuvax: rm -rf alt/realities
}    iuvax: du -s
}    1067314 .
}    iuvax: rm -rf alt/sex/pictures
}    iuvax: du -s
}    534 .
}    iuvax: ZOT /dev/null
}    ZOT: successful!
}
} SAM: Well Big O, looks like you're back in business!
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1.2 terabyte disk drive.


458-06    (27965 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose feathers are made of pure gold, whose beak is as
> sharp as a thousand spears, whose tallons are as mighty as a million
> Ginsu knives, and whose wingspan is as infinite as time itself.....
>
> Which is the most useless:
>
>      The Weather Channel
>      Lyrics to "Louie, Louie"
>      A Liberal Arts Degree
>      Tickets to the "Cubs vs. Red Socks" World Series
>      move.l (d0)+,-(d0)
>      The MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour
>      alt.fan.adolph.hitler
>      A Timex Sinclair
>      Dan Quayle
>      The Meaning of Life
>      cat FILENAME.EXT|more
>      mail oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Errr, the Oracle is molting right now, so remember those Ginsu's and
} keep the smart remarks about plumage to yourself; you make the Oracle
} sound like the answer to the question: "What do you get when you cross
} a canary with a C-17".
}
} Anyway, as to the utility of the various objects you cited:
} >       The Weather Channel
}       Useful vehicle for commercial messages, occasionally provides
}       spectacular footage of inelastic interactions between tornados
}       and trailer parks.
}
} >       Lyrics to "Louie, Louie"
}       Ross Perot's sole position paper; useful for at least two more
}       weeks.
}
} >       A Liberal Arts Degree
}       Essential credential for hackney carriage operation or package
}       store management.
}
} >       Tickets to the "Cubs vs. Red Socks" World Series
}       Damn fine minimalist concept art; useful as comic relief.
}
} >       move.l (d0)+,-(d0)
}       Useful for inclusion in tight loops in system software that runs
}       too fast; for example, could be employed in systems for export to
}       China, or to simulate OOP execution times with assembly language.
}
} >       The MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour
}       Useful prophylaxis: nobody sings.
}
} >       alt.fan.adolph.hitler
}       Useful to NSA in preparing suspect lists for the Pernicious
}       Weenie Squad of the FBI.
}
} >       A Timex Sinclair
}       Useful as a substitute frisbee; may have value as a collectable
}       in a few more years.
}
} >       Dan Quayle
}       Actuarially useful to George Bush; other uses include golfing
}       companion and as biodegradation facility for waste alcohols;
}       comments under Cubs/Red Sox Series Tickets apply here as well.
}
} >       The Meaning of Life
}       move.l (d0)+,-(d0) for humans; useful for immobilizing the
}       children of the rich, clearing the way for competing individuals
}       of a more practical bent to take care of business; strengthens
}       pluralist democracy by redistributing opportunity.
}
} >       cat FILENAME.EXT|more
}       Useful when a Klingon wants to call a cat (e.g., for a light
}       snack.)
}
} >       mail oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}       Provides much needed ego support for individuals who draw their
}       self-esteem from random numbers.
}
} All of the above items are at least somewhat useful; since a hungry
} Klingon can outrun most cats, "cat FILENAME.EXT|more" takes the prize.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of Klingon chili, FRESH.


458-07    (4b851 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, it has been a long time since I've paid
> homage to your greatness. You are the beacon of knowledge
> that lights the day. You are the one who knows all of the
> answers to the questions in the universe. Answer for me
> this one question.
>
> If people call an orange an orange then why don't they
> call a banana a yellow, or an apple a red? Now, blueberrys
> makes sense, but would also explain gooseberrys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People don't call an apple a red because not all apples are red;
} but they do call a plum a plum.
}
} They don't call a banana a yellow because "banana" is more fun to
} say, and even to type -- try it some time: bananananananana!
} Is that a goof, or what?
} But, they do call the Cincinatti team the "Reds".
}
} They don't call all berries by their proper colors because they ran
} out of colors when they got to huckleberries, and once the pattern
} was broken why bother? Therefore, strawberries, elderberries,
} raspberries, and currants ( get the drift? ).
}
} They don't call all the fruits by their colors because there are
} more fruits than colors, and there are other things that might be
} named after colors, e.g., red wine or golf greens -- "I'll have some
} red", or "On the greens".
}
} Why should the names make sense anyway? They're human names, and it
} is an exception when humans make sense.
}
} When squares dance a square dance, don't they go round and round in
} a do-si-do?
}
} Is there a roof over the Washington Mall?
}
} Is Mount Rushmore fast?
}
} Devi pagare al Oracolo: un "giallo".


458-08    (158a5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose capacity for humor far surpasses that of
> any mortal, even Gallagher, please tell me this. What is the
> funniest joke in the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The World's Funniest Joke is this, as authenticated by the Museum of
} Comedy in Montreal, Quebec - Canada.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} One morning, Jesus strolled down to the Pearly Gates, where he found
} St. Peter preparing for the day's arrivals. Being in a typically
} magnanimous mood, Jesus said to St. Peter: "Say, Pete, why don't you
} take the day off? I'll fill in for you, and besides, I ought to keep my
} hand in the day-to-day running of things, eh?"
}
} St. Peter: "Well, thanks much, Lord. I'll see you later."
}
} After having settled in and gotten comfortable, Jesus bespied the day's
} first newcomer, a small, bent, mustachioed, old man with an awed look
} of wonder at his new surroundings.
}
} Lil' Old Man: "My, my. Is this heaven?"
} The Lord    : "Well, yes it is as a matter of fact."
} Lil' Old Man: "What, pray tell, do I do to enter."
} The Lord    : "Contrary to popular belief, all you need do is answer a
}                few basic questions on background, and you're in."
} Lil' Old Man: "That's wonderful! What would you like to know."
} The Lord    : "Well, for example, where are you from, my friend?"
} Lil' Old Man: "Oh, I'm from the Meditteranean, yes, spent all my life
}                there."
} The Lord    : "What a coincidence! I'm from the Meditteranean,
}                too. In fact, that's where my family was.  What did you
}                do down there, sir?"
} Lil' Old Man: "I had a small carpentry shop. You know, woodworking and
}                such.  Nothing much, really."
} The Lord    : "Goodness! My father was a carpenter, too! Say..... Did
}                you have any family?"
} Lil' Old Man: "Yeah.....", suspicion entering his voice, "I had a
}                little son.  Why?"
} The Lord    : "Tell me: Did your son used to help you out around the
}                carpentry shop?"
} Lil' Old Man: "Yeah....."
} The Lord    : "Could you describe him for me, please?"
} Lil' Old Man: "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet..."
} The Lord    : (Blurting out) "Dad!!!???"
} Lil' Old Man: "Pinnochio?!"


458-09    (23a86 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %ORACLE-F-ANSABORT, auto-answer facility aborting
} -QUERENT-E-UNEXPEND, unexpected end of file
} -BAS-E-EOF, end of file on channel or device
}
} Oracle>
}
}     "Wow, my null-question just crashed the Oracle!  (Geez, it was
}     written in *BASIC*?!??!)  I wonder what happens if . . . "
}
} Oracle> HELP
} Auto-answering Oracle Server (AOS)
} Help available:
}
} ENABLE  EXIT  Getting_started  HELP  SET  SHOW  SHUTDOWN  SPAWN  ZOT
} Topic?
}
}     "Wild, man!  It's in command mode.  Let's try this:"
}
} Topic?  ZOT
}
} ZOT
}     The ZOT command will <ZOT> one or more querents, or random
}     passers-by, at a level of your choosing.
}
}     Requires ZOT privilege.
}
}     Format:
}       ZOT [querent[,...]]
}
}     Additional information available:
}
}     parameter  qualifiers
}     /DELAY  /LOG  /QUERENT  /RANDOMIZE  /SLOW_AND_PAINFUL  /VAPORIZE
}     examples  environmental_impact_statement
}
} ZOT Subtopic?
}
}     "Heavy-duty!  Hey, Stinky!  Come look what I found!  This beats
}     that crack-warez Bboard all to hell."
}
} Topic?  SET PRIV
}
} SET
}   PRIVILEGE
}     Enables or disables Oracular privileges.  See the "Oracular
}     Management Guide" for more information.
} Topic?  ^Z
} Oracle>
}
}     "Whatdya wanna do, man?"
}
}     "I dunno, man, but this is k00l.  Let's try something."
}
} Oracle>  SET PRIV=ALL
} Oracle>
}
}     (Hushed pause)
}
}     "Wow."
}
}     "Like, man, it let us DO IT!"
}
}     "Yeah!  Let's nuke something, man!"
}
} Oracle>  ZOT/RANDO *BEEP*
} Reply received on VENUS from user ORACLE at _JAH$LTA5674:   14:45:19
} OKAY, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE
}
}     "Uh, oh.  What's happening now?"
}
} Reply received on VENUS from user ORACLE at _JAH$LTA5674:   14:45:23
} WHAT'S HAPPENING, SLIME-BAG, IS THAT YOU'VE JUST BEEN CAUGHT.
}
}     "What . . . how . . . ?? "
}
} *BAMF*
}
} I'm omniscient, dirtball, remember?
}
}     "But, you, how did you get in here?"
}
} GROVEL, SCUM!  *thwack*  You think I'm going to discuss trade secrets
} with a couple of pasty-faced teenage cracker punks with no social
} skills?  Hah! I have *other* ideas for you.
}
}     "What ... what are you going to do?"
}
} I'm going to leave you stuck in this Venus flytrap faked-up Oracle
} system here.  But first, I'm going to show you what it's REALLY
} running.
}
}     "It looks kind of like VMS."
}
} Aha, but that's just the interface module.  The system underneath is
} TSO!
}
}     (In chorus)  "AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!"
}
} ... Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaa  Enjoy yourselves.  You're not hooked up
} to any networks, boys.  Here, I'll leave you this KAYPRO, too.  Heh,
} heh.
}
}     "No!  No!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
}
} *BAMF*
}
} Poor devils.  Well, maybe that will serve as a lesson to the others.
} *sigh*
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on trusting trust.


458-10    (27a73 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle of beautific knowledge.  Whose toejam I
> am not worthy to remove.  Whose ZOT is more reply than I deserve to to
> most insightful of questions I beseach the answer me this question.
>
> Why has such a useless character as Diana Troy been allowed to stay in
> Star Trek the Next Genneration for so long and would it be possible
> for there to be a lamer character now that Wesley of off (at least most
> of the time).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Mortal, your grovelling is infinitely more pleasing to the Oracle
}      than your spelling, which is execrable.  However, since one of My
}      favorite pasttimes is watching new Star Trek while kicking back
}      with Lisa in our matching snakeskin Barcaloungers, and since even
}      I cannot repress a shudder of distaste when Troi presses two
}      fingertips to her forehead and says "I sense pain!", I will
}      relieve your puzzlement at the profound lameness of Deanna Troi:
}
}      The answer is that Troi is not supposed to be a member of the
}      Enterprise crew at all.  Instead, she is a walking onscreen
}      advertisement, somewhat like the intrusive Pepsi machine that
}      appears in the background of every movie you've seen in the last
}      five years.  Playtex is paying the Fox network big bucks to have
}      Marina Sirtis parade around in a 24-Hour Cross-Your-Heart
}      Longline Girdle and Cleavage Accentuator -- which also explains
}      why Troi wears a body suit, while the rest of the crew wear those
}      two-piece bellhop outfits.
}
}      As to your second question: yes, it would be possible for there
}      to be a lamer character than Troi.  And because you have
}      reasonably good taste in drama (for a semi-literate mortal), I
}      will arrange for Troi to die tragically during the season break.
}      (While acting out his deepest impulses as the result of an alien
}      spore infestation, Riker rapes and dismembers her, and is
}      sentenced to life on a penal asteroid.)  Assigned to the post of
}      Ship's Cousellor is Lwaxana Troi, her Betazoid mother, played by
}      Majel Barrett as a menopausal drag queen doing "Auntie Mame."
}      Happy viewing!
}
}      You owe the Oracle a tape of the Borg two-parter.


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