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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does a white shark love the pilot fish which clean up its leavings? } Does a tomato plant love the ladybugs which devour the aphids that suck } its juices?  Do you love the e. coli that benignly infest your bowels? } The question is meaningless.  The Oracle loves Lisa, chocolate fudge } backrubs, and double sunsets in the mountains of the planet Gannath. } } You owe the Oracle an "I Heart Lisa" tee-shirt in black leather.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <std.grovel> > > Where can I get the g++ documentation?  Why isn't American beer any > good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you miserable mortal.  You only included one grovel, and two } questions... } } What should we do about this?  I know, I'll answer your questions, but } I'll do it mixed together... } } g++ documentation can be acquired by getting c++ documentation and } doing a rot4 on the text.  American beer is often good, you just } haven't met the right Americans yet.  Personally, I don't mind c++ too } much, but usually I find that the students work warrants a b--, and end } up giving that to them instead.  In fact, take the example of Samuel } Adams, Brewer, Patriot.  g++ remember was created by the evil Minions } of Strange Birds, and thus should not be used for critical applications } unless you like bird shit on your computer.  Anyone who can be a brewer } and a patriot really has his stuff together, I tell you.  But, if you } insist on using g++ without documentation, the least you can do is } comment someone else's code.  There are many other examples of American } beer that is good, but I don't have the time to tell you about them, } and you wouldn't understand anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a flightless bird and a carboy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge is but a drop in the > bucket of human wisdom -- oops, I meant that the other way around -- > whose sexual prowess exceeds that of even the horniest tenured > professor in a room full of coeds, and who could find a coach to make > even the Northwestern Wildcats win, please answer me this question: > > As I sit here, faced with the burden of a 20-page paper and a 15-page > paper, both due tomorrow, why can't I just *do* them instead of > diddling around all the time?  Will I finish before my deadline, just > 19 short hours away?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were on shaky ground until the Wildcats reference. } } It's all relative, in fact its very simple.  All that you need to do is } change your number base.  20 is really 6, only expressed in base 3.  15 } is really 11, expressed in base 5. } } So already we have reduced the nubmer of pages you have to write down } to 17.  Unfortunately, this argument is not going to impress those who } are awaiting your paper, unless you can prove beyond doubt that you } have a valid reason for counting in base 3. } } Look at it this way: why do most humans count in base 10?  Simple: } because they have 10 fingers.  Therefore, to count in base 3, you } merely have to remove seven fingers.  Once you have done this, you will } note that it is impossible to count to 11 in base 5, so whoever asked } you to write the second paper obviously has no idea how to count. } } You owe the Oracle the sheet music for Tchaikovsky's First, arranged } for three fingers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Gracious, Wise and Wonderful Oracle, so magnificent > that you cause letters from your name to appear anywhere and > everywhere (LikE this sEntenCE, fOR ExAmpLE), answer me this... > > Recently on TV, I've noticed more commercials for "feminine hygene" > products.  As a guy, these commercials mean nothing to me, and > when I ask my girlfriend to explain what they're for, she always > changes the conversation or knees me in the crotch.  O Wise Oracle, > are these products real, or are these commercials some secret code > that females the world over are using to send messages regarding > the conquest of males?  Are "freshness", "muscle relaxants" and > "wings" special phrases relating to some covert military operation > that is about to be sprung?  Please help me, because I'm getting > worried. (Three times this week, my girlfriend wouldn't come to the > phone to talk to me because she was watching "Oprah"...is this > connected?) > > Many thanks, O Illustrous Oracle. > Jon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the Oracle hasn't noticed any such thing. Hmm, let me ask Lisa... } [thump thump thump] } Lisa? Are you busy? I need to ask you something for a Supplicant... } Here, read this. No, not the one about the Koala and the Banana. _This_ } one. Yeah, right under the nosferatu necrophilia. So, what's the story, } Lisa? Lisa? Lisa, why are you staring at me like that? Lisa..... } } [ker-THWOMP] } } Lisa, put down that knife... Lisa, I don't want to ZOT! you.... } } Lisa, get away from that terminal! Don't touch that power line! Lisa, I } mean it! You'll only hurt yourself! } } I'll get back to you on this one as soon as I straighten this out.. } } Lisa! NOT THE HIGH-VOLTAGE LINE! LIS[FZAM!]............................. } ........................................................................ } ........................................................................ } ........................................................................

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: oracle > Subject: Directory Exceeds Quota Allocation > > On Jun 4, 1992, at 02:03 am, you appear to be over quota in the > following directories: > > iuvax:/usr/oracle, quota 1000000, usage 1067329, is over quota > > Please comply with your quota restrictions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Big O: } Quota??  QUOTA!!!?  I don't need no stinking QUOTA!  You expect ME, } the Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent Cosmic Oracle, whose } operational parameters the Great Galumphing Megabrain of Sirus IV is } not worthy to calculate; whose all-encompassing intelligence is } capable of simultaneously simulating 10^23 variations of virtual } realities of the cosmos down to the sub-quark level; whose memory } holds over a dozen enumerated infinite series; ME! -- you expect ME } to make do with a puny 1000000 blocks of disk storage??  Why, I blow } away more than that with a mild sneeze! } } System AdMinistrator (SAM): } Well, Mr. O, all that may be well and good, but I've got this memo } here, you see, and it clearly states that all minor deity accounts on } iuvax are limited to 1000000. } } Big O: } MINOR deity!?  How DARE you! [I've got to teach this bozo a lesson! } Let's see how he likes a ZOT] } }    iuvax: ZOT sam }    ZOT: permission denied } } Damn!  What's wrong!? } } SAM: } Sorry Mr. O, but we weren't quite sure how you'd take the news, so we } thought it best to temporarily revoke your super-oracle privileges. } It's all right here in this memo... } } Big O (with tears starting to appear): } No!  You mean I can't even create new universes or anything? } } SAM: I'm afraid not until you take care of the storage situation. } } Big O:  Well, ok.  I guess I could do some housecleaning.  Let me see! } }    iuvax: cd /usr/oracle }    iuvax: du -s }    1067329 . }    iuvax: rm -rf alt/realities }    iuvax: du -s }    1067314 . }    iuvax: rm -rf alt/sex/pictures }    iuvax: du -s }    534 . }    iuvax: ZOT /dev/null }    ZOT: successful! } } SAM: Well Big O, looks like you're back in business! } } You owe the Oracle a 1.2 terabyte disk drive.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose feathers are made of pure gold, whose beak is as > sharp as a thousand spears, whose tallons are as mighty as a million > Ginsu knives, and whose wingspan is as infinite as time itself..... > > Which is the most useless: > >      The Weather Channel >      Lyrics to "Louie, Louie" >      A Liberal Arts Degree >      Tickets to the "Cubs vs. Red Socks" World Series >      move.l (d0)+,-(d0) >      The MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour >      alt.fan.adolph.hitler >      A Timex Sinclair >      Dan Quayle >      The Meaning of Life >      cat FILENAME.EXT|more >      mail oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Errr, the Oracle is molting right now, so remember those Ginsu's and } keep the smart remarks about plumage to yourself; you make the Oracle } sound like the answer to the question: "What do you get when you cross } a canary with a C-17". } } Anyway, as to the utility of the various objects you cited: } >       The Weather Channel }       Useful vehicle for commercial messages, occasionally provides }       spectacular footage of inelastic interactions between tornados }       and trailer parks. } } >       Lyrics to "Louie, Louie" }       Ross Perot's sole position paper; useful for at least two more }       weeks. } } >       A Liberal Arts Degree }       Essential credential for hackney carriage operation or package }       store management. } } >       Tickets to the "Cubs vs. Red Socks" World Series }       Damn fine minimalist concept art; useful as comic relief. } } >       move.l (d0)+,-(d0) }       Useful for inclusion in tight loops in system software that runs }       too fast; for example, could be employed in systems for export to }       China, or to simulate OOP execution times with assembly language. } } >       The MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour }       Useful prophylaxis: nobody sings. } } >       alt.fan.adolph.hitler }       Useful to NSA in preparing suspect lists for the Pernicious }       Weenie Squad of the FBI. } } >       A Timex Sinclair }       Useful as a substitute frisbee; may have value as a collectable }       in a few more years. } } >       Dan Quayle }       Actuarially useful to George Bush; other uses include golfing }       companion and as biodegradation facility for waste alcohols; }       comments under Cubs/Red Sox Series Tickets apply here as well. } } >       The Meaning of Life }       move.l (d0)+,-(d0) for humans; useful for immobilizing the }       children of the rich, clearing the way for competing individuals }       of a more practical bent to take care of business; strengthens }       pluralist democracy by redistributing opportunity. } } >       cat FILENAME.EXT|more }       Useful when a Klingon wants to call a cat (e.g., for a light }       snack.) } } >       mail oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu }       Provides much needed ego support for individuals who draw their }       self-esteem from random numbers. } } All of the above items are at least somewhat useful; since a hungry } Klingon can outrun most cats, "cat FILENAME.EXT|more" takes the prize. } } You owe the Oracle a bowl of Klingon chili, FRESH.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, it has been a long time since I've paid > homage to your greatness. You are the beacon of knowledge > that lights the day. You are the one who knows all of the > answers to the questions in the universe. Answer for me > this one question. > > If people call an orange an orange then why don't they > call a banana a yellow, or an apple a red? Now, blueberrys > makes sense, but would also explain gooseberrys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} People don't call an apple a red because not all apples are red; } but they do call a plum a plum. } } They don't call a banana a yellow because "banana" is more fun to } say, and even to type -- try it some time: bananananananana! } Is that a goof, or what? } But, they do call the Cincinatti team the "Reds". } } They don't call all berries by their proper colors because they ran } out of colors when they got to huckleberries, and once the pattern } was broken why bother? Therefore, strawberries, elderberries, } raspberries, and currants ( get the drift? ). } } They don't call all the fruits by their colors because there are } more fruits than colors, and there are other things that might be } named after colors, e.g., red wine or golf greens -- "I'll have some } red", or "On the greens". } } Why should the names make sense anyway? They're human names, and it } is an exception when humans make sense. } } When squares dance a square dance, don't they go round and round in } a do-si-do? } } Is there a roof over the Washington Mall? } } Is Mount Rushmore fast? } } Devi pagare al Oracolo: un "giallo".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose capacity for humor far surpasses that of > any mortal, even Gallagher, please tell me this. What is the > funniest joke in the universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The World's Funniest Joke is this, as authenticated by the Museum of } Comedy in Montreal, Quebec - Canada. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } One morning, Jesus strolled down to the Pearly Gates, where he found } St. Peter preparing for the day's arrivals. Being in a typically } magnanimous mood, Jesus said to St. Peter: "Say, Pete, why don't you } take the day off? I'll fill in for you, and besides, I ought to keep my } hand in the day-to-day running of things, eh?" } } St. Peter: "Well, thanks much, Lord. I'll see you later." } } After having settled in and gotten comfortable, Jesus bespied the day's } first newcomer, a small, bent, mustachioed, old man with an awed look } of wonder at his new surroundings. } } Lil' Old Man: "My, my. Is this heaven?" } The Lord    : "Well, yes it is as a matter of fact." } Lil' Old Man: "What, pray tell, do I do to enter." } The Lord    : "Contrary to popular belief, all you need do is answer a }                few basic questions on background, and you're in." } Lil' Old Man: "That's wonderful! What would you like to know." } The Lord    : "Well, for example, where are you from, my friend?" } Lil' Old Man: "Oh, I'm from the Meditteranean, yes, spent all my life }                there." } The Lord    : "What a coincidence! I'm from the Meditteranean, }                too. In fact, that's where my family was.  What did you }                do down there, sir?" } Lil' Old Man: "I had a small carpentry shop. You know, woodworking and }                such.  Nothing much, really." } The Lord    : "Goodness! My father was a carpenter, too! Say..... Did }                you have any family?" } Lil' Old Man: "Yeah.....", suspicion entering his voice, "I had a }                little son.  Why?" } The Lord    : "Tell me: Did your son used to help you out around the }                carpentry shop?" } Lil' Old Man: "Yeah....." } The Lord    : "Could you describe him for me, please?" } Lil' Old Man: "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet..." } The Lord    : (Blurting out) "Dad!!!???" } Lil' Old Man: "Pinnochio?!"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %ORACLE-F-ANSABORT, auto-answer facility aborting } -QUERENT-E-UNEXPEND, unexpected end of file } -BAS-E-EOF, end of file on channel or device } } Oracle> } }     "Wow, my null-question just crashed the Oracle!  (Geez, it was }     written in *BASIC*?!??!)  I wonder what happens if . . . " } } Oracle> HELP } Auto-answering Oracle Server (AOS) } Help available: } } ENABLE  EXIT  Getting_started  HELP  SET  SHOW  SHUTDOWN  SPAWN  ZOT } Topic? } }     "Wild, man!  It's in command mode.  Let's try this:" } } Topic?  ZOT } } ZOT }     The ZOT command will <ZOT> one or more querents, or random }     passers-by, at a level of your choosing. } }     Requires ZOT privilege. } }     Format: }       ZOT [querent[,...]] } }     Additional information available: } }     parameter  qualifiers }     /DELAY  /LOG  /QUERENT  /RANDOMIZE  /SLOW_AND_PAINFUL  /VAPORIZE }     examples  environmental_impact_statement } } ZOT Subtopic? } }     "Heavy-duty!  Hey, Stinky!  Come look what I found!  This beats }     that crack-warez Bboard all to hell." } } Topic?  SET PRIV } } SET }   PRIVILEGE }     Enables or disables Oracular privileges.  See the "Oracular }     Management Guide" for more information. } Topic?  ^Z } Oracle> } }     "Whatdya wanna do, man?" } }     "I dunno, man, but this is k00l.  Let's try something." } } Oracle>  SET PRIV=ALL } Oracle> } }     (Hushed pause) } }     "Wow." } }     "Like, man, it let us DO IT!" } }     "Yeah!  Let's nuke something, man!" } } Oracle>  ZOT/RANDO *BEEP* } Reply received on VENUS from user ORACLE at _JAH$LTA5674:   14:45:19 } OKAY, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE } }     "Uh, oh.  What's happening now?" } } Reply received on VENUS from user ORACLE at _JAH$LTA5674:   14:45:23 } WHAT'S HAPPENING, SLIME-BAG, IS THAT YOU'VE JUST BEEN CAUGHT. } }     "What . . . how . . . ?? " } } *BAMF* } } I'm omniscient, dirtball, remember? } }     "But, you, how did you get in here?" } } GROVEL, SCUM!  *thwack*  You think I'm going to discuss trade secrets } with a couple of pasty-faced teenage cracker punks with no social } skills?  Hah! I have *other* ideas for you. } }     "What ... what are you going to do?" } } I'm going to leave you stuck in this Venus flytrap faked-up Oracle } system here.  But first, I'm going to show you what it's REALLY } running. } }     "It looks kind of like VMS." } } Aha, but that's just the interface module.  The system underneath is } TSO! } }     (In chorus)  "AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!" } } ... Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaaa  Enjoy yourselves.  You're not hooked up } to any networks, boys.  Here, I'll leave you this KAYPRO, too.  Heh, } heh. } }     "No!  No!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" } } *BAMF* } } Poor devils.  Well, maybe that will serve as a lesson to the others. } *sigh* } } You owe the Oracle an essay on trusting trust.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderful Oracle of beautific knowledge.  Whose toejam I > am not worthy to remove.  Whose ZOT is more reply than I deserve to to > most insightful of questions I beseach the answer me this question. > > Why has such a useless character as Diana Troy been allowed to stay in > Star Trek the Next Genneration for so long and would it be possible > for there to be a lamer character now that Wesley of off (at least most > of the time).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Mortal, your grovelling is infinitely more pleasing to the Oracle }      than your spelling, which is execrable.  However, since one of My }      favorite pasttimes is watching new Star Trek while kicking back }      with Lisa in our matching snakeskin Barcaloungers, and since even }      I cannot repress a shudder of distaste when Troi presses two }      fingertips to her forehead and says "I sense pain!", I will }      relieve your puzzlement at the profound lameness of Deanna Troi: } }      The answer is that Troi is not supposed to be a member of the }      Enterprise crew at all.  Instead, she is a walking onscreen }      advertisement, somewhat like the intrusive Pepsi machine that }      appears in the background of every movie you've seen in the last }      five years.  Playtex is paying the Fox network big bucks to have }      Marina Sirtis parade around in a 24-Hour Cross-Your-Heart }      Longline Girdle and Cleavage Accentuator -- which also explains }      why Troi wears a body suit, while the rest of the crew wear those }      two-piece bellhop outfits. } }      As to your second question: yes, it would be possible for there }      to be a lamer character than Troi.  And because you have }      reasonably good taste in drama (for a semi-literate mortal), I }      will arrange for Troi to die tragically during the season break. }      (While acting out his deepest impulses as the result of an alien }      spore infestation, Riker rapes and dismembers her, and is }      sentenced to life on a penal asteroid.)  Assigned to the post of }      Ship's Cousellor is Lwaxana Troi, her Betazoid mother, played by }      Majel Barrett as a menopausal drag queen doing "Auntie Mame." }      Happy viewing! } }      You owe the Oracle a tape of the Borg two-parter.