[IO]
Internet Oracle
26 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:44:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #459

Goto:
459, 459-01, 459-02, 459-03, 459-04, 459-05, 459-06, 459-07, 459-08, 459-09, 459-10


Usenet Oracularities #459    (31 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 22 Jun 92 08:33:15 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   459
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

459   31 votes 5f650 2ab62 3ac42 15e74 1c7a1 08d82 5b681 1a776 27d81 a6645
459   2.9 mean  2.4   2.9   2.7   3.3   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.2   3.0   2.6


459-01    (5f650 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> If I receive another answer beginning with "WHAT?! No grovelling!" or
> something similar, I'll probably lose my temper.  I've been flamed
> both for not grovelling and for flaming someone for not grovelling.
> MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACULAR BULLETIN #1532654a:
}
} to: Oracle incarnations
} re: Grovelling
}
} Effective immediately, all supplicants shall grovel *only on the
} subject line of their questions*. This is for compatability with
} earlier groveservers..er, I mean, Oracle server software at iuvax. This
} of course will not be passed on to incarnations, so you had better get
} used to not getting any.
}
} (Face it, o mortal one, grovelling was an '80s thing, and so few people
} can do it eloquently. You just can't get good help these days.)
}
} Furthermore, flaming for not grovelling is similarly passe' - save your
} energy for thinking up questions likely to promote amusing answers.
} (Note that caber-tossing woodchucks are also out, except in Scotland).
} Remember the Good Book: "Flame not lest ye too get flamed".
}
} None the less, supplicant, you get a <Z0T> (just a little one) for
} flaming the great Oz - I mean Oracle - and neglecting to ask a
} question. Waste not the Oracle's time thus...
}
} The said <Z0T> will leave you with a headache the equivalent of
} drinking three bottles of Jaegermeister liquer heated like Japanes
} sake'.
}
} Take two aspirin and call me in the morning - and this time ask a
} question...


459-02    (2ab62 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows the answers to all and sundry, tell me why 3.5inch
> floppy discs aren't.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant who doesn't know much about grovelling, at least you
} realise that because I am omniscient, you don't need to write out the
} whole question.
}
} Your question was of course: why 3.5 inch floppy disks aren't
}
}       (a) furry
}       (b) edible
}       (c) printed with a picture of Elvis on the back side.
}
} To answer your points in order:
}
}       (a) Floppy disks have lost their fur through a process of
} natural selection. Being stuck in disk drives all day, they tended to
} overheat. Therefore, through a natural evolutionary process furless
} disks became predominant.
}
}       (b) Obviously this is another evolutionary process related to
} the loss of fur mentioned above. The furry disks used to be quite
} succulent, and many people moan their extinction. However, some
} computer geeks are unaware that furless disks are not supposed to be
} eaten, and in fact disks provide their sole source of nourishment.
} Many's the poor nerd who, hacking away late at night, has found the
} temptation irresistible and has taken a bite (pardon the pun) out of a
} disk, subsequently blaming it on the disk drive.
}
}       (c) You're not supposed to know about the master plan! The Great
} Leader is biding his time in his headquarters on Mars, waiting for the
} first few generations of mutant floppies to multiply and take over the
} world and prepare the way for him to come again in glory. Obviously
} there has been a serious leak of information. Sorry, it's nothing
} personal but we can't afford to take any risks... you will have to be
} reformatted!
} ^L
} ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO      TTTTTTTT
} ZZZZZZZ      OOOOOOOO     TTTTTTTT
}     ZZ       OO    OO        TT
}    ZZ        OO    OO        TT
}   ZZ         OO    OO        TT
}  ZZZZZZZ     OOOOOOOO        TT
} ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO         TT


459-03    (3ac42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast Oracle,
> Oh pendulous intelligence of stupendous proportions,
>
> Please tell me,
>
> What does "I feel better than James Brown' mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh miniscule supplicant,
}
} While everyone knows that noone knows what the hell James Brown
} is saying, noone knows why everyone knows that noone knows what
} the hell James Brown is saying -- except me, of course.
}
} The fact is, he had the temerity to ask me "How much wood could
} a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood" without even
} the pretense of grovelling, and, as you might well imagine, was
} the recipient of an Oracular Zot.
}
} Unfortunately, a freak convergence of the planets combined with
} unusual atmospheric conditions caused the Zot to be only partly
} effective.  Instead of reducing him to a greasy spot, it merely
} scrambled his brains.
}
} Such a state is extremely disconcerting, especially since James
} is now unable to coherently order jam on his English Muffins; I
} daresay that everyone feels better than James Brown.
}
} On the other hand, prior to the tofufication of his cerebellum,
} he was an abject failure as a musician, so it isn't all bad.
}
} I was going to ask you for a translation of your favorite James
} Brown song, but you grovelled reasonably well, so I will settle
} for something slightly less impossible.  You owe the Oracle the
} Bootleg CD of Marie Osmond singing "Let's do it in the Road."


459-04    (15e74 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it, a video allways breaks down HALFway my favourite show?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MEMORANDUM
}
} To:  Galactic Leader
} From:  Joe Y356, Paranoia Sector X478J
} Subject:  he has noticed!
}
} O Glorious Master!  My plan to discombobulate Human #1284762 appears to
} contain a significant flaw.  The Video Dismemberment Program has been
} applied with a notable lack of variety.
}
} I neglected to realize that the human would notice if the selected
} breakage point was always the same.
}
} As per policy, I am immolating myself, such being the normal penalty
} for failure.
}
} I trust that the Disappearing Sock Program and the Car Key Relocation
} Plan are continuing as scheduled, and that the goal of Total Insanity
} by the Earth year 1994 is still an achievable target.
}
} Yours in farewell,
} Joe Y356


459-05    (1c7a1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle--if that is your real name
>
> I have been being followed by a Higg`s particle lately.  I`ve taken
> pictures of it and even managed to record the sounds of its footsteps
> (I assume they are footsteps, though theoretically Higg`s particles
> don`t have feet), however, the board that nominates candidates for the
> Nobel prize don`t believe me. Unfortunately, the ellusive Higg`s
> particle will never follow me into their office when I go to make my
> claims, so hey think that I am just another undergraduate out to get
> some recognition.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Make friends with it; Higg`s particles are shy, but make wonderful pets
} once you win their trust.  Leave out a bowl of milk each evening, and
} some freshly chopped liver each morning.  Whistle alot - they like
} music. Eventually, it will come up and nuzzle at your hand - be sure to
} wear protective gloves at this point, since Higg`s particles are liable
} to emit high energy radiation without provocation; it's a little like
} indigestion. Speak to it softly, and pet it behind its quarks - they
} like that.  Give your particle a nice box to sleep in; that will make
} it feel right at home.


459-06    (08d82 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle the Most Wise,
>
> I have a question about office ethics, you know, like how we're not
> supposed to make personal calls on company lines or time or use the
> mail labeler for personal mail.  Well, in the cabinet with the
> staples, pads, pens, and pencils which we're not supposed to take home
> unless we use them only for company business like when we have to call
> 10 time zones away to talk with a customer in Bulgarian and need to
> take some notes there are boxes of facial tissue.  Well, how do I tell
> the difference between a corporate sneeze and a personal sneeze?
>
>                            Thank-you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two theories extant about how to tell whether a sneeze is
} a corporate sneeze or a personal sneeze.
}
} The first theory is that, during working hours and in the workplace,
} just as your ass belongs to the corporation, so does your nose; all
} sneezes meeting these criteria are corporate, all others are
} personal.
}
} The second theory is that all physical sneezes are corporate
} sneezes, and all metaphorical sneezes and all sneezes that occur
} during out-of-body experiences are discorporate sneezes.
}
} As usual, all human theories are wrong, and the Oracle alone has the
} truth.
}
} The truth is that there is no way to tell beforehand whether a
} sneeze will be corporate or personal. The Oracular method of
} distinguishing between sneezes involves four steps:
}
} 1. Sneeze; sneeze all over your boss's shirt, if you like.
}
} 2. Examine the boogers. If they look like little corporate logos, or
} are in the corporate colors, they are corporate sneezes; otherwise
} they are personal.
}
} 3. Move back along your own timeline to just before you snoze.
}
} 4. Grab a Kleenex(tm) from the correct box and sneeze into it.
}
} If you incorporate this method into your daily routine, your career
} will be nothing to sneeze at.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of tomorrow's paper.


459-07    (5b681 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think that we've overlooked the fact that "Lisa" is an anagram
> for "sail"?   Coincidence?!  I think not!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle overlooks nothing, oh questioner of no groveling ability.
}
} Of course, this is not Lisa's only connection in this direction: she
} is better at knots than anyone else We know.  Obviously there is
} something "naughtical" in her past.
}
} Hah!  Let that be a lesson to you.  Now go away, or We shall taunt you
} a second time.


459-08    (1a776 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@uhura.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Why doesn't the Oracle have any questions for me?
>
> And why doesn't sending a bunch of "askMe"s get me back my own
> question again? ( You told me to try it, but it doesn't work. )
>
> If I feel like answering a question but there are none available,
> why can't I just send in an answer and have it assigned to the next
> question that comes in?
>
> Or, Orrie, if there aren't any real questions available, why can't
> iuvax just make one up, either by random substitution from FAQs or
> by recaslling one from a file of "classic questions for which there
> are lots of good answers"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a popular, yet erroneous, assumption that the Oracle is some sort
} of deterministic message-dispatching program residing on a computing
} machine of human manufacture known as "iuvax".  It is also believed
} that this program caters to the battered egos of insecure
} deity-wanna-bees by presuming to employ their services in answering
} questions submitted by naive participants.
}
} When I first became aware of this heresy, I was outraged.  However, as
} time went by it became entertaining.  I make up questions of my own and
} feed them to you just to see how much the tone of your answers varies
} from your usual writing styles.  There's nothing funnier than a
} humanile-delinquent attempting to wax eloquent and sound real stuffy
} and powerful.  Lisa and I enjoy going through the responses and
} comparing them to the most recent letters you've written to your
} spouses, significant others, parents, bosses and other people whose
} shoes you are usually obligated to kiss.  Picture Alan Alda attempting
} to sound like Rambo and I think you can get the idea....
}
} Anyway, there are no questions "for you" because it is not _I_ who
} exists to pump _your_ ego.  If and when I feel like it, I'll compose
} some Oracle fodder for you to chew on and throw it your way...at my
} convenience, of course.
}
} I don't give you back your own questions because although I don't mind
} the misconception that I'm a deterministic message-dispatching program,
} I _do_ object to being thought of as a _stupid_ message-dispatching
} program.  Imagine how disillusioned the average supplicant would be if
} "the all-powerful Oracle" sent them back a question to answer that they
} had submitted.  (I told _you_ to try sending a bunch of "ask me"
} messages because I wanted to see if you'd do it.  It's sort of an
} oracularian way of playing "Made You Look".)
}
} I used to accept open-ended answers, but very few of the squillions of
} submissions were of any entertainment value to me.  It soon got out of
} hand and I quit accepting them.  I got tired of wading through all
} those esoteric and obscure "answers" such as "Wisconsin" and
} "Thelonious Monk," and I have a whole archive devoted to nothing but
} answers to the question about Life, the Universe, and Everything.  All
} in all, you mortals are pretty predictable when you attempt to be vague
} and abstract.
}
} Once when Lisa and I were on vacation in the Bahamas, I piped
} supplications into "fortune" and sent the output back to the
} submitters. I thought it worked pretty well, but the supplicants were
} dissatisfied with the service, nonetheless.  For example, one fellow
} complained that in response to the following:
}
}       O great Oracle, I'm studying to be an Electrical Contractor
}       and I'd like to know what's the best way to succeed in my
}       chosen field.  Do you have any advice?
}
} He got this response:
}
}       "Electricians do it without shorts."
}
} As you can see, the council is perfectly applicable, but the supplicant
} somehow took it the wrong way and wasn't too thrilled about the
} indecent exposure indictment that ensued.  To maintain my image, I
} terminated the practice and decided it was only fair to give each
} supplicant's question my personal attention.
}
} You owe the Oracle a place to dispose of a zigabyte worth of files all
} containing "42".


459-09    (27d81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's like a nightmare and I can't wake up.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's pitch black.
}
} It's silent.
}
} Nothing happens.
}
} But now... one hears feet tapping.
}
} The door opens, and a young man comes in, eyes almost closed, walking
} as if in trance, stretching his arms from the body.  He sits down,
} turns on the computer and logs in.
}
} [~] mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} Subject: tellme
} It's like a nightmare and I can't wake up.
} What should I do?
} ^D
} [~] logout
}
} Then he turns off the computer and goes back to bed, where he
} immediately continues running away from a Tyrannosaurus rex.
} ------
}
} Every ten minutes the young man comes back and looks if he has mail,
} each time covered with more sweat than before.  At the sixteenth try,
} the Oracle's answer has arrived.  It's a silly story about a
} somnambulist that doesn't solve the problem at all.  And this Useless
} Oracle has the cheek to demand a parade!
}
} You owe the Oracle a parade to honor Him.


459-10    (a6645 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} You owe the oracle a clue.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org