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Internet Oracularities #46

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46, 46-01, 46-02, 46-03, 46-04, 46-05, 46-06, 46-07, 46-08, 46-09, 46-10


Usenet Oracularities #46    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:14 GMT

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46-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who wrote the Book of Mormon, and where can I get a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The book of Mormon was orginally written by Joseph Smith, founder of the
} Mormon church.  What most people DON'T know, however, is that what is
} today known as the book of Mormon bears little resemblance to the
} orginal.
}
} It seems that Smith was not the stern, God-fearing man he is thought to
} be.  In fact, just prior to taking his flock to Utah, Smith spent about
} six months in Jamaica, where, in a drug-crazed orgy, he hit upon his
} central philosphy:  "More, Mon!!" By that, he meant, "more dope, more
} women, more booze" etc.  In actuallity, Mormons used to be real party
} animals.  Alas, they started to mainstream when Utah became a state, and
} went a little to far to become "decent folk" The last holdout was
} polygamous marriages, the only way a guy could acceptably hold an orgy
} in this country.
}
} They knew a good thing when they had it.


46-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where did the name 'pussy' come from (as applied to vaginas)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrgh, now it's trivia.  Look it up in a good dictionary that gives
} etymologies even of dirty words.  The Oracle does not exist as a general
} information service.  You may not realize this, but in order to answer
} questions, the Oracle must undergo a metamorphosis into a form suitable
} to the question being asked.  For deep philosophical questions, the
} Oracle becomes a bearded guru, for silly questions, a copy of John
} Cleese or Graham Chapman or the like.  For reference-desk questions, the
} Oracle has to become Miss Primm the reference librarian, and it's no fun
} assuming the form of a pop-eyed spinster with halitosis, a tight girdle,
} and unrequited lust for young male students, not to mention...oh never
} mind.
}
} One common explanation is that the 'pussy' is held to resemble a cat
} (the term 'beaver' has a similar origin).  Obvious.  Now ask something
} deep and philosophical so that I can get out of this stupid form.


46-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this spoon doing in my butt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear.  I fear that you have an infestation of the blue grodies.
} Blue grodies, who are distant relatives of blue meanies (but much
} smaller) live in your clothing and do disgusting things to, for, and
} with your body.  Your infestation seems to be involved in eating your
} feces, and some of their silverware got stuck; this is typical of blue
} grodie attitude.  I recommend Grodie-Off, a product commercially
} available in most good pet supply stores.  If you don't get the grodies
} removied soon, they may start holding parties inside your bladder, or
} moving their mobile homes (they live in mobile homes) into your nostrils
} so that they can have hto and cold running mucus.
}
} Yuck.
}
} You owe the oracle a barf bag.


46-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a bergulb, and why is it following me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bergulb is a land mammal, green, approximately fifteen feet long,
} twelve feet wide, and seven feet high.  It has long slimy tentacles
} ranging in number from twenty to well over one hundred, depending on
} how many different species it has slept with.  It is following you
} because it's hungry.  Very hungry.  You can try to run, but I suspect
} that will prove futile; bergulben are very swift creatures, and this
} one seems intent on making YOU it's next dinner.
}
} You might be able to survive the ordeal by dropping your pants,
} bending over, and shouting "Take me, you big green monster!"  Since
} this particular bergulb has never made it with a human, it would find
} the experience infinitely more pleasurable than consuming you whole.
}
} Make sure to use plenty of K-Y, and for crying out loud, wash the
} sheets when the two of you are done.
}
} You owe the Oracle the last twelve back issues of Perverts and Weirdos
} Digest.


46-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, I beseech you, hear my confession!
> I have deceived the lovely Lisa into thinking that she was the only
> woman in my life.  Be the truth known, I have masturbated while
> looking at a picture of Barbara Bush, and have enjoyed it.  Lisa does
> not yet know.  Whatever shall I tell her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell Lisa...
}
} Tell Lisa...
}
}  |\
}  |
} O|  Tell Lisa I love her...
}
} (Oh, so you don't like my singing, eh?)
}
}
} Tell her that you were working on a special project for the
}       adminstration on sex education for low-literacy
}       populations, requiring intense amounts of research.
}       You can claim particular emphasis on the safest kind
}       of sex of all.  Note, however, that this excuse will
}       also be useful should you ever get a date with the
}       Silver Fox.
}
} Now, get back to work.  You have research to perform, and I,
}       the USENET Oracle have better things to do than
}       masturbate to sticky photos of the First Lady.
}       Oracles don't masterbate, and when we do, we use
}       photos of real Greeks, like that flight attendant
}       that the Greek Prime Minister found.


46-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get my girlfriend to stop having sex with all her former
> boyfriends and girlfriends??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since the girl is fornicating with FORMER mates, its clear that sex is
} the only thing she lacks in her relationship with YOU.  You should feel
} proud that you are able to offer her fulfillment in many other ways.  In
} the meantime, she'll always seek sexual fulfillment OUTSIDE your
} relationship.  But you can take steps to limit her roving body...  if
} you can't satisfy your woman, the Oracle can!  Have her send a short
} bio, measurements, an ASCII-graphics photo and her address to
} oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.  In a few days you may notice a change in
} her behavior, and she may walk a little funny.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pack of condoms, extra-large.


46-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I tell if I'm REALLY in love with my girlfriend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's very easy.  You are not really in love with your girlfriend.  You
} are, in fact, in love with the following people:
}
}   1. *My* girlfriend.  (Like everyone else, regardless of sex.)
}
}   2. Lisa (Again, like everyone else, regardless of sex.)
}
}   3. Tarzan.  This is kinky, I know, but you have this secret hidden
}      desire to see what's under that animal skin.
}
}   4. Pope John Paul II.  This is seriously kinky, but you've wanted to
}      "poke a pope" since you were beaten repeatedly for playing with
}      yourself back in fourth grade in the Catholic school.  (I know, I
}      know, you've repressed all your memories of that school.  You think
}      you went to a public school in Indiana.  No such luck.  If you had,
}      you'd want to screw Marlon Brando.)
}
}   5. Sigmund Freud.  I do not know about this one.  Probably he just
}      told you that you had repressed desires, and you want to show him
}      just what he should have meant.
}
}   6. Liz Taylor.  Guess you're bi, not gay.  But you're not a sane puppy
}      anyways.
}
} You owe the Oracle two kiwis and a dead lymphocyte.


46-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Three supernatural figures just appeared in my cave and tried to murder
> me.  Why?  Who?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, the Oracle suggests that you calm down.  They were only
} ghosts, and quite incapable of doing any harm to you.  They will
} probably reappear, but if you insult them and show that you're not
} afraid, they will eventually stop bothering you.
}
} Your cave was the site of a triple murder.  (By the way, the Oracle
} commends you on your choice of domicile.  Caves are cool in the summer
} and warm in the winter, and make great wine cellars to boot.  The Oracle
} used to live in a cave Itself.) The three ghosts seek revenge on their
} murderer.  You recall the old limerick about the ``...hermit named Dave/
} Who kept a dead whore in a cave...''?  Well, it was _your_ cave, and the
} ghosts are the immortal remains of a contingent of the local _Ad Hoc_
} Citizens' Group Against Necrophilia, who came up to Dave's Cave in order
} to take away the corpse of the dead whore and give it what used to be
} called Christian burial.  Dave was understandably peeved, there was a
} quarrel, and Dave killed the visitors with two blasts of his
} over-and-under shotgun.
}
} See, even supernatural happenings are easy to understand if you know the
} causes.  Aren't you glad you've got the Oracle to explain it all?


46-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend lives across the ocean in Paris.  We are thinking of
> engaging in phone sex.  Can she get pregnant with phone sex?  Are there
> phone condoms?  Can this be done as a conference call with friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, she can get pregnant through phone sex.  In fact, many hapless
} women are phone-raped because they stay on the line too long during
} anonymous phone calls.  The old-fasioned heavy-breathing obscene call
} cannot cause pregnancy, but modern ones can.  Phone condoms are not yet
} available, because coitus interruptus is a 100%-effective method of
} phone-birth-control -- simply hang up just before climax (which puts
} only the tiniest dent in your fun) and there's no danger of pregnancy.
} Conference calls can be used for phone orgies.  Another advantage is
} that, as far as anyone knows, there are no PSTDs (phone-sexually
} transmitted diseases).
}
} Phone sex has a great future.  Telephones equipped with vocoders are now
} available, which can change the user's voice.  Get one of these and make
} yourself into a great hulking stud for your girlfriend's delight.  Or if
} you're really weird, get her one as well, and you can become the woman
} and she the man -- but be sure to hang up in time because _you_ can get
} pregnant this way.  And because you don't have a womb, the fetus will
} implant on your omentum, which can be nasty.  Even aborting it will
} require an abdominal operation.
}
} The delays in a transatlantic connection do tend to render phone sex
} less pleasurable.


46-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you agree with the following quote?  Explain.  For extra credit name
> the author and when it was said:
>
> I believe in this,
> And its been tested by research.
> Those who fuck nuns
> later join the church.
>
> This question is worth 50 points, since the quote is so wierd.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The quote is basically accurate.  Only two words are incorrect ("fuck"
} was originally "screw", and "research" was originally "science".  The
} second was changed pretty fast, because it didn't rhyme otherwise.)


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