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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm a bacterium that lives in a pore > on your nose. Would you mind not scratching > your nose so often? It disturbs us. > > Thank You, >     Bactrian Moose, Bct.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you, a mere bacterium, display such impudence towards the } Oracle! Take that! } } ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO      TTTTTTTT } ZZZZZZZ      OOOOOOOO     TTTTTTTT }     ZZ       OO    OO        TT }    ZZ        OO    OO        TT }   ZZ         OO    OO        TT }  ZZZZZZZ     OOOOOOOO        TT } ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO         TT } } Ouch! By dose! I'be zotted by owd dose!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Narcistic Oracle, tell me I beg, > What is this dog doing on my leg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant!  This I must tell: } You simply haven't the talent to spell! } It's "narcissistic!"  Learn if you can. } You really shouldn't be listening to Dan. } } And now, without further ado, } I give this dollop of wisdom to you: } That's not a canine that wants to do you, } that ugly old wart is John Sununu! } } You owe the Oracle a VP who isn't an ass.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle... I have been troubled with a question which I can > not resolve, and it is costing me my sleep.  Surly you, who knowest > all, can determine the answer to my dilema... > >       If ignorace is bliss... how come there aren't more happy people > in the world today? > >       Your humble mortal,  MJ

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, I have pondered your question with my ponderance levels at } somewhat of a high.  The reason for your concern and for the less than } blissful frame of mind of many of the worlds people is a simple one. } In fact, I think would be fair to say that it's so outstandingly } simple, more people ought to be told about it.  Lets just say it } involves 2 kippers, a small bucket of sand, and an iguana from a large } colony of the species.  You may wonder what thsse apparently } unconnected factors have to do with the quantities of time, space, } unhappiness, and pure blissful ignorance, but that's simply because } you're just a mortal and I'm more important than you could ever dream, } so there. As you may imagine, as an immortal being (and a jolly sexy } one at that) I spend most of my time happy.  In fact, excstatically } happy is how I would generally describe myself, and that's because I } follow three simple rules that I think you'll find many gods, } superbeings and other basically decent chaps also follow; } } 1.  I store two kippers down the front of my trousers (these are }     replaced every two to three months when the poor things have died }     and started to go smelly). } } 2.  Each day I make a sand castle and then wait for the wind to blow it }     away, just to remind myself that I'm so inestimably immortal that }     even sand doesn't last as long as me. } } 3.  I have a small iguana superglued to my nose, just because it looks }     good and helps pull birds (inquisitive starlings, normally). } } And this, my humble slave, is the reason why the old adage "ignorance } is bliss" is a pile of old pony and trap in these modern times. } Clearly the person who dreamt up this was a subscriber to the kipper } and sand and iguana school of happiness, and did not foresee that such } as simple way of being thick as pig poo and generating an immense glow } of happiness would be destroyed by the passing of time, as the sand } castle is destroyed by the wind. } } I hape I have answered your question clearly and concisely. } } Yours, } } The Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest being and all-time hero of serial-line Populous games, I ask > this simple question: > >       Who is Alice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} KILLUSPAL is my favorite world.  Don't mind if I do.... } } Who is Alice?  You really must be more specific, supplicant. } } ALICE LIDDEL  The inspiration for Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson's) }               stories "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking }               Glass."  If ever you've wondered what a bad drug trip was }               like but had the sense not to try it, this is the place }               to look. } } ALICE B. TOKLAS       A character (the title character, in fact) in an }               old Peter Sellers film about a lawyer who tunes in, turns }               on, and drops out.  Funny stuff for the most part.  The }               Oracular Motor Vehicle was used in the film. } } ALICE THE MAID        The ever-present maid on the Brady Bunch. }               Despite her on-screen appearance, she was actually a }               wanton harlot and harridan who was addicted to sexual }               activity of all sorts.  (What did you think she meant }               when she said that Sam the Butcher slipped her some extra }               meat under the counter?)  She's reportedly had affairs }               with all three boys, Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady, and of of }               course Sam the Meat Man (who starred in a few films of }               his own). } } ALICE CHALMERS        Manufacturer of fine farm equipment everywhere. }               She is not as famous as her sister Marilyn Chalmers, who }               has made several porn movies involving farm implements }               and crops. } } <Orrie!  That's a TERRIBLE pun! }  Sorry, my sweet.  Couldn't resist.> } } ALICE COOPER  My main man!!!  Shock rock paragon of this century.  He }               even ran for governor of Arizona when Bob Meecham was }               being tried.  His platform:  A Sick Mind for a Sick }               State.  I voted for him. His real name is Vincent }               Furnier, but he changed it because Alice sounded more }               like an axe murderer.  We should all consider this.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Unbelievably Incredible Oracle, who is so amazingly cool that > he's turned down an appearance on the Arsenio show because Arsenio's > "not hip enough," I humbly abase myself before you to secure a moment > of your time: > >       I'm worried about the computer industry.  Specifically, I'm > afraid that shoddy/cheesy/poorly-designed/et al systems and software > are taking over the market, and those of us who are trying to Do > Something Better are being squeezed out. > >       Case in point:  Microsoft.  They have effectively slowed, if not > halted, the progress of the computer industry for the past twelve > years. First they gave us a kluge of an operating system called MS-DOS, > which was obsolete the day it was released, and now they've given us a > cheesy knocoff of the Mac GUI called Windows, and threatens to stall > things for *another* twelve years. > >       Further, they're thinking of porting this abomination to other > platforms.  This state of affairs was bad enough (but understandable) > with it running on the bonzoid Intel architectures.  However, the idea > of Windows running on a class system (like a SparcStation or an HP-700) > just makes me want to retch. > >       The old adage, "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat > a path to your door," seems no longer to apply.  Systems vastly > superior to MS-DOS/Windows have been around for years, but no one in > the press seems to pay this fact any notice.  Windows is selling *1 > million* copies per month, and shows no signs of slowing.  Personally, > I would prefer not to contribute to this state of affairs.  Windows > just plain sucks compared to what I've been using for years, but the > economics of the situation are becoming impossible to ignore. > >       The third millenium is approaching, and I would hate to see > Windows be the system that carries us into it.  I want to be a part of > things that are better.  Do you have any suggestions on how I might > help slow, halt, or reverse this disquieting trend?  (I have a limited > budget, so money-based solutions would be difficult to implement.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 18th June, 1992.                                    Our Ref: } CB,male,het } } MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, } 114A THE SCREAMS, } PURGATORY, } THE HEREAFTER. } } Dear MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, } } Thank you for your recent enquiry.  We are happy to report to you, MR. } CHARLES BABBAGE, that you are eligible to win *** MAJOR PRIZES *** up } to and including what we are pleased to announce as a whole new } approach to computer operating systems. } } You, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, have been selected from all of your } neighbours in PURGATORY and have therefore passed the first part of the } selection process.  This letter represents your opportunity, MR. } CHARLES BABBAGE, to get ahead of all the other applicants from THE } HEREAFTER and to win some of these *** MAJOR PRIZES ***. } } So what do you have to do now?  Well, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, you will be } competing with the other applicants from THE HEREAFTER, so you must } move quickly!  All you have to do is answer these simple questions: } } 1. Do I wish to be successful and wealthy? } } 2. Would I like to have WOMEN chasing me constantly? } } 3. Do I wish to improve my mind? } } 4. Would I like A FOURTEEN INCH PENIS? } } If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you are eligible } to enter the third stage of this exciting contest.  Simply send to us } YOUR SOUL, accompanied by ALL YOUR EARTHLY POSSESSIONS, and we will } forward to you, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, an operating system which will } make you the envy of all your neighbours in THE SCREAMS, PURGATORY, THE } HEREAFTER. } } Too good to be true?  Well, there's more.  If you are unsatisfied with } this product in any way, simply return it to us, and we *guarantee* } that you will have the opportunity to pay us more money.  Furthermore, } if you find that the system does not work on your computer system in } sunny PURGATORY without the purchase of expensive add-ons, we will } provide them for you with a 100% markup!!  No-one else can match this } offer, so hurry, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, or you will regret it forever, we } promise you. } } Yours sincerely, } } T. Usenet Oracle, } President, } Orifice Systems Inc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom brings a smile to our lips > and tears of joy to our eyes, please tell me: > > In fairy tales and other stories, when a person becomes invisible > his clothes also become invisible, but anything else he touches does > not become invisible. Why is that so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a fairy tale!  Anything can happen!  Invisibility can be } selective; straw can become gold;  cinder girls can become princesses; } dragons can live; land wars in Asia can be won; budget problems } disappear; taxes become user fees; one can smoke without inhaling; one } might even be able to spell 'potato.'

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Transnificent Oracle, whose split ends I am not worthy to mend, > I crave a moment of your time for my pitiful question: > >       Of the musical artists we have here on Earth, which are your > favorites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ALMIGHTY, SACRED, SACROSANCT AND REALLY HEAVY TOME OF THE INFINITE } AND OMNISCIENT ORACLE, DISPENSER OF ENLIGHTENMENT AND KNOWER OF ALL } STUFF } } The Book of Bruce } } 1  And the word went out upon the Olympian mount that the Woman Named } Lisa desired to be mated. } 2  I desire a consort saith the Woman Lisa, but only the most perfect } among the host that dwelleth on the sacred mount shall I take unto me, } in leather and chains shall he be clad about the loins, and then shall } he loiter in the threshhold with sweet honey and Silly String and } speak unto me with manly trumpeting: luv muffin wanna pway meter man } wif me? } 3 And the godly host did tremble then, for they knew their unworthiness } and were ashamed. } 4 Then did the Woman Lisa cry out and there was great lamentation } throughout the land. } 5 And the Woman Lisa said Is there no one amongst the host who will be } mated with me ere I wither like the tender bud amid the fires of Hades? } 6  Then did the earth tremble and split and twist upon itself and the } firmament roar with its wildness.  And from the blackness of the abyss } came the Oracle.  And the Woman Lisa saw him. } 7  Tall was he and wide and thick through the middle, and backward did } the hair on his head creep towards the nether regions, like a serpent } upon its belly.  In his hands he held the Silly String wereof the Woman } Lisa had spoken, and spackling paste also. } 8  And Lisa looked upon these things and pondered them in her heart. } 9  Then she said:  Lo, I shall be mated with the Oracle, for he has } answered my plea where no other stepped forward and I have not been } mated since the cosmos were new. } 10  And she bade the Oracle to approach and he approached her with } wagging tongue and stiff resolve. } 11  And the Woman Lisa and the Oracle knew each other.  And the Sun } set on the first day. } 12  And the Sun awakened and slept 10 times and they continued to } know each other as the clever woodpecker knows the pine and verily } stores his nuts there. } 13  And it came to pass that Lisa was with child and her time came } that she was delivered of a son. } 14  And she spoke unto the Oracle saying:  Let us send our son down to } the earth whereof he shall speak Truth unto the Supplicants in loud } and grating tones and they shall listen and Meaning shall be revealed } unto them. } 15  And the Oracle said:  Truly Lisa this is my will.  That the child } shall go among the Supplicants and take leave of this place so that } we may continue to know each other better and better.  And it was so. } 16  And they named the child Bruce and wrapped him in a bandana and } left him among the rushes in the lonely Pine Barrens, south of Gotham, } in the Land of Jersey.  And grew to be a man and spoke Truth to the } Supplicants and gave them Meaning.  And those who followed knew that } his was The Way. } 17  And Lisa and the Oracle were well-pleased and knew one another } increasingly evermore. } 18  And it was good.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, bud... > >       What _do_ you get when you cross a canary with a C-17?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would you believe a $4 billion housepet designed by Douglas Aircraft } that can't fly and sing at the same time because the song subcontractor } programmed in Ada and the avionics subcontractor used proprietary code?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Oracle, unto whom I would offer all the kinky sex toys I own if > you didn't already own *far* kinkier toys which, were I to be made > aware of them, would completely annihilate my brain, please answer: > >       Why have we, the supplicants and Oracular incarnations, made you > the ultimate Sex God, and given you the ultimate Sex Goddess for a > companion, and then have you indulge in all manner of kinky debauchery? >  Are we so completely without lives that we had to give you what we > could never give ourselves, so we could vicariously live out our > fantasies through you? > >       I guess the root question is, does having created this situation > indicate that we have problems needing attention?  What form of > treatment do you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, buddy! Don't be so down on yourself. The Oracle is here to help! } I'm your man. Tell ya what I'm gonna do. } } You're probably wondering if your sex life is good or bad. Well, here's } how I can help. Send me photos and phone numbers of all current and } previous girlfriends. Have you got any sisters? Hey, I'd love to hear } more about your Mom, too. I'll check 'em all out and get back to you. } } The least a good friend like me can do. } } P.S. Have any pets?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous oracle, older than mountains, mightier than oceans, wiser > than Walter Cronkite, whose every breath brings flourishing life to > formerly barren surfaces, whose every toenail clipping will bring > prosperity or end war wherever it falls, who never creates excess > paperwork in his most eternally efficient office, who knows all > thoughts in the hearts of men and beasts, who knows where the Giants > are going to play in 1996, who knows the REAL reason why the Earth acts > as if it's moving around the sun, who can out-drink even "Bob", who has > the coolest car on the block, who can tell by eyeball when a slot > machine has winning odds, whose very kneecaps are sights of such > wondrous ethereal beauty that boot camp sergeants swoon in rapture at > the sight, who always knows which brand is better, who can change hard > to reach light bulbs without a chair, who scores 19,375,400,000,000 > points in "Raiders of Zorgon" without even getting sore knuckles, who > can read auras without looking, who even knows how to write IBM JCL > just from looking at the blinking lights, whose tape heads never need > cleaning, I humbly, abasedly, shamefully, timidly, obsequiously, > bashfully, self-loathingly, dare to ask one small question ... > > Shit, I forgot the question now!  Do you remember what it was?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.