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Internet Oracularities #461

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461, 461-01, 461-02, 461-03, 461-04, 461-05, 461-06, 461-07, 461-08, 461-09, 461-10


Usenet Oracularities #461    (29 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 92 08:56:11 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   461
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

461   29 votes 46784 9a730 8d512 57c41 37955 3a772 65585 18a64 59a23 14c66
461   2.8 mean  3.1   2.1   2.2   2.6   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.1   2.6   3.4


461-01    (46784 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I'm a bacterium that lives in a pore
> on your nose. Would you mind not scratching
> your nose so often? It disturbs us.
>
> Thank You,
>     Bactrian Moose, Bct.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you, a mere bacterium, display such impudence towards the
} Oracle! Take that!
}
} ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO      TTTTTTTT
} ZZZZZZZ      OOOOOOOO     TTTTTTTT
}     ZZ       OO    OO        TT
}    ZZ        OO    OO        TT
}   ZZ         OO    OO        TT
}  ZZZZZZZ     OOOOOOOO        TT
} ZZZZZZZZ      OOOOOO         TT
}
} Ouch! By dose! I'be zotted by owd dose!


461-02    (9a730 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Narcistic Oracle, tell me I beg,
> What is this dog doing on my leg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant!  This I must tell:
} You simply haven't the talent to spell!
} It's "narcissistic!"  Learn if you can.
} You really shouldn't be listening to Dan.
}
} And now, without further ado,
} I give this dollop of wisdom to you:
} That's not a canine that wants to do you,
} that ugly old wart is John Sununu!
}
} You owe the Oracle a VP who isn't an ass.


461-03    (8d512 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle... I have been troubled with a question which I can
> not resolve, and it is costing me my sleep.  Surly you, who knowest
> all, can determine the answer to my dilema...
>
>       If ignorace is bliss... how come there aren't more happy people
> in the world today?
>
>       Your humble mortal,  MJ

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, I have pondered your question with my ponderance levels at
} somewhat of a high.  The reason for your concern and for the less than
} blissful frame of mind of many of the worlds people is a simple one.
} In fact, I think would be fair to say that it's so outstandingly
} simple, more people ought to be told about it.  Lets just say it
} involves 2 kippers, a small bucket of sand, and an iguana from a large
} colony of the species.  You may wonder what thsse apparently
} unconnected factors have to do with the quantities of time, space,
} unhappiness, and pure blissful ignorance, but that's simply because
} you're just a mortal and I'm more important than you could ever dream,
} so there. As you may imagine, as an immortal being (and a jolly sexy
} one at that) I spend most of my time happy.  In fact, excstatically
} happy is how I would generally describe myself, and that's because I
} follow three simple rules that I think you'll find many gods,
} superbeings and other basically decent chaps also follow;
}
} 1.  I store two kippers down the front of my trousers (these are
}     replaced every two to three months when the poor things have died
}     and started to go smelly).
}
} 2.  Each day I make a sand castle and then wait for the wind to blow it
}     away, just to remind myself that I'm so inestimably immortal that
}     even sand doesn't last as long as me.
}
} 3.  I have a small iguana superglued to my nose, just because it looks
}     good and helps pull birds (inquisitive starlings, normally).
}
} And this, my humble slave, is the reason why the old adage "ignorance
} is bliss" is a pile of old pony and trap in these modern times.
} Clearly the person who dreamt up this was a subscriber to the kipper
} and sand and iguana school of happiness, and did not foresee that such
} as simple way of being thick as pig poo and generating an immense glow
} of happiness would be destroyed by the passing of time, as the sand
} castle is destroyed by the wind.
}
} I hape I have answered your question clearly and concisely.
}
} Yours,
}
} The Oracle


461-04    (57c41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxa.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest being and all-time hero of serial-line Populous games, I ask
> this simple question:
>
>       Who is Alice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} KILLUSPAL is my favorite world.  Don't mind if I do....
}
} Who is Alice?  You really must be more specific, supplicant.
}
} ALICE LIDDEL  The inspiration for Lewis Carroll's (Charles Dodgson's)
}               stories "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking
}               Glass."  If ever you've wondered what a bad drug trip was
}               like but had the sense not to try it, this is the place
}               to look.
}
} ALICE B. TOKLAS       A character (the title character, in fact) in an
}               old Peter Sellers film about a lawyer who tunes in, turns
}               on, and drops out.  Funny stuff for the most part.  The
}               Oracular Motor Vehicle was used in the film.
}
} ALICE THE MAID        The ever-present maid on the Brady Bunch.
}               Despite her on-screen appearance, she was actually a
}               wanton harlot and harridan who was addicted to sexual
}               activity of all sorts.  (What did you think she meant
}               when she said that Sam the Butcher slipped her some extra
}               meat under the counter?)  She's reportedly had affairs
}               with all three boys, Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady, and of of
}               course Sam the Meat Man (who starred in a few films of
}               his own).
}
} ALICE CHALMERS        Manufacturer of fine farm equipment everywhere.
}               She is not as famous as her sister Marilyn Chalmers, who
}               has made several porn movies involving farm implements
}               and crops.
}
} <Orrie!  That's a TERRIBLE pun!
}  Sorry, my sweet.  Couldn't resist.>
}
} ALICE COOPER  My main man!!!  Shock rock paragon of this century.  He
}               even ran for governor of Arizona when Bob Meecham was
}               being tried.  His platform:  A Sick Mind for a Sick
}               State.  I voted for him. His real name is Vincent
}               Furnier, but he changed it because Alice sounded more
}               like an axe murderer.  We should all consider this.


461-05    (37955 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Unbelievably Incredible Oracle, who is so amazingly cool that
> he's turned down an appearance on the Arsenio show because Arsenio's
> "not hip enough," I humbly abase myself before you to secure a moment
> of your time:
>
>       I'm worried about the computer industry.  Specifically, I'm
> afraid that shoddy/cheesy/poorly-designed/et al systems and software
> are taking over the market, and those of us who are trying to Do
> Something Better are being squeezed out.
>
>       Case in point:  Microsoft.  They have effectively slowed, if not
> halted, the progress of the computer industry for the past twelve
> years. First they gave us a kluge of an operating system called MS-DOS,
> which was obsolete the day it was released, and now they've given us a
> cheesy knocoff of the Mac GUI called Windows, and threatens to stall
> things for *another* twelve years.
>
>       Further, they're thinking of porting this abomination to other
> platforms.  This state of affairs was bad enough (but understandable)
> with it running on the bonzoid Intel architectures.  However, the idea
> of Windows running on a class system (like a SparcStation or an HP-700)
> just makes me want to retch.
>
>       The old adage, "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat
> a path to your door," seems no longer to apply.  Systems vastly
> superior to MS-DOS/Windows have been around for years, but no one in
> the press seems to pay this fact any notice.  Windows is selling *1
> million* copies per month, and shows no signs of slowing.  Personally,
> I would prefer not to contribute to this state of affairs.  Windows
> just plain sucks compared to what I've been using for years, but the
> economics of the situation are becoming impossible to ignore.
>
>       The third millenium is approaching, and I would hate to see
> Windows be the system that carries us into it.  I want to be a part of
> things that are better.  Do you have any suggestions on how I might
> help slow, halt, or reverse this disquieting trend?  (I have a limited
> budget, so money-based solutions would be difficult to implement.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 18th June, 1992.                                    Our Ref:
} CB,male,het
}
} MR. CHARLES BABBAGE,
} 114A THE SCREAMS,
} PURGATORY,
} THE HEREAFTER.
}
} Dear MR. CHARLES BABBAGE,
}
} Thank you for your recent enquiry.  We are happy to report to you, MR.
} CHARLES BABBAGE, that you are eligible to win *** MAJOR PRIZES *** up
} to and including what we are pleased to announce as a whole new
} approach to computer operating systems.
}
} You, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, have been selected from all of your
} neighbours in PURGATORY and have therefore passed the first part of the
} selection process.  This letter represents your opportunity, MR.
} CHARLES BABBAGE, to get ahead of all the other applicants from THE
} HEREAFTER and to win some of these *** MAJOR PRIZES ***.
}
} So what do you have to do now?  Well, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, you will be
} competing with the other applicants from THE HEREAFTER, so you must
} move quickly!  All you have to do is answer these simple questions:
}
} 1. Do I wish to be successful and wealthy?
}
} 2. Would I like to have WOMEN chasing me constantly?
}
} 3. Do I wish to improve my mind?
}
} 4. Would I like A FOURTEEN INCH PENIS?
}
} If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you are eligible
} to enter the third stage of this exciting contest.  Simply send to us
} YOUR SOUL, accompanied by ALL YOUR EARTHLY POSSESSIONS, and we will
} forward to you, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, an operating system which will
} make you the envy of all your neighbours in THE SCREAMS, PURGATORY, THE
} HEREAFTER.
}
} Too good to be true?  Well, there's more.  If you are unsatisfied with
} this product in any way, simply return it to us, and we *guarantee*
} that you will have the opportunity to pay us more money.  Furthermore,
} if you find that the system does not work on your computer system in
} sunny PURGATORY without the purchase of expensive add-ons, we will
} provide them for you with a 100% markup!!  No-one else can match this
} offer, so hurry, MR. CHARLES BABBAGE, or you will regret it forever, we
} promise you.
}
} Yours sincerely,
}
} T. Usenet Oracle,
} President,
} Orifice Systems Inc.


461-06    (3a772 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom brings a smile to our lips
> and tears of joy to our eyes, please tell me:
>
> In fairy tales and other stories, when a person becomes invisible
> his clothes also become invisible, but anything else he touches does
> not become invisible. Why is that so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's a fairy tale!  Anything can happen!  Invisibility can be
} selective; straw can become gold;  cinder girls can become princesses;
} dragons can live; land wars in Asia can be won; budget problems
} disappear; taxes become user fees; one can smoke without inhaling; one
} might even be able to spell 'potato.'


461-07    (65585 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Transnificent Oracle, whose split ends I am not worthy to mend,
> I crave a moment of your time for my pitiful question:
>
>       Of the musical artists we have here on Earth, which are your
> favorites?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE ALMIGHTY, SACRED, SACROSANCT AND REALLY HEAVY TOME OF THE INFINITE
} AND OMNISCIENT ORACLE, DISPENSER OF ENLIGHTENMENT AND KNOWER OF ALL
} STUFF
}
} The Book of Bruce
}
} 1  And the word went out upon the Olympian mount that the Woman Named
} Lisa desired to be mated.
} 2  I desire a consort saith the Woman Lisa, but only the most perfect
} among the host that dwelleth on the sacred mount shall I take unto me,
} in leather and chains shall he be clad about the loins, and then shall
} he loiter in the threshhold with sweet honey and Silly String and
} speak unto me with manly trumpeting: luv muffin wanna pway meter man
} wif me?
} 3 And the godly host did tremble then, for they knew their unworthiness
} and were ashamed.
} 4 Then did the Woman Lisa cry out and there was great lamentation
} throughout the land.
} 5 And the Woman Lisa said Is there no one amongst the host who will be
} mated with me ere I wither like the tender bud amid the fires of Hades?
} 6  Then did the earth tremble and split and twist upon itself and the
} firmament roar with its wildness.  And from the blackness of the abyss
} came the Oracle.  And the Woman Lisa saw him.
} 7  Tall was he and wide and thick through the middle, and backward did
} the hair on his head creep towards the nether regions, like a serpent
} upon its belly.  In his hands he held the Silly String wereof the Woman
} Lisa had spoken, and spackling paste also.
} 8  And Lisa looked upon these things and pondered them in her heart.
} 9  Then she said:  Lo, I shall be mated with the Oracle, for he has
} answered my plea where no other stepped forward and I have not been
} mated since the cosmos were new.
} 10  And she bade the Oracle to approach and he approached her with
} wagging tongue and stiff resolve.
} 11  And the Woman Lisa and the Oracle knew each other.  And the Sun
} set on the first day.
} 12  And the Sun awakened and slept 10 times and they continued to
} know each other as the clever woodpecker knows the pine and verily
} stores his nuts there.
} 13  And it came to pass that Lisa was with child and her time came
} that she was delivered of a son.
} 14  And she spoke unto the Oracle saying:  Let us send our son down to
} the earth whereof he shall speak Truth unto the Supplicants in loud
} and grating tones and they shall listen and Meaning shall be revealed
} unto them.
} 15  And the Oracle said:  Truly Lisa this is my will.  That the child
} shall go among the Supplicants and take leave of this place so that
} we may continue to know each other better and better.  And it was so.
} 16  And they named the child Bruce and wrapped him in a bandana and
} left him among the rushes in the lonely Pine Barrens, south of Gotham,
} in the Land of Jersey.  And grew to be a man and spoke Truth to the
} Supplicants and gave them Meaning.  And those who followed knew that
} his was The Way.
} 17  And Lisa and the Oracle were well-pleased and knew one another
} increasingly evermore.
} 18  And it was good.


461-08    (18a64 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, bud...
>
>       What _do_ you get when you cross a canary with a C-17?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would you believe a $4 billion housepet designed by Douglas Aircraft
} that can't fly and sing at the same time because the song subcontractor
} programmed in Ada and the avionics subcontractor used proprietary code?


461-09    (59a23 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Oracle, unto whom I would offer all the kinky sex toys I own if
> you didn't already own *far* kinkier toys which, were I to be made
> aware of them, would completely annihilate my brain, please answer:
>
>       Why have we, the supplicants and Oracular incarnations, made you
> the ultimate Sex God, and given you the ultimate Sex Goddess for a
> companion, and then have you indulge in all manner of kinky debauchery?
>  Are we so completely without lives that we had to give you what we
> could never give ourselves, so we could vicariously live out our
> fantasies through you?
>
>       I guess the root question is, does having created this situation
> indicate that we have problems needing attention?  What form of
> treatment do you suggest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, buddy! Don't be so down on yourself. The Oracle is here to help!
} I'm your man. Tell ya what I'm gonna do.
}
} You're probably wondering if your sex life is good or bad. Well, here's
} how I can help. Send me photos and phone numbers of all current and
} previous girlfriends. Have you got any sisters? Hey, I'd love to hear
} more about your Mom, too. I'll check 'em all out and get back to you.
}
} The least a good friend like me can do.
}
} P.S. Have any pets?


461-10    (14c66 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondrous oracle, older than mountains, mightier than oceans, wiser
> than Walter Cronkite, whose every breath brings flourishing life to
> formerly barren surfaces, whose every toenail clipping will bring
> prosperity or end war wherever it falls, who never creates excess
> paperwork in his most eternally efficient office, who knows all
> thoughts in the hearts of men and beasts, who knows where the Giants
> are going to play in 1996, who knows the REAL reason why the Earth acts
> as if it's moving around the sun, who can out-drink even "Bob", who has
> the coolest car on the block, who can tell by eyeball when a slot
> machine has winning odds, whose very kneecaps are sights of such
> wondrous ethereal beauty that boot camp sergeants swoon in rapture at
> the sight, who always knows which brand is better, who can change hard
> to reach light bulbs without a chair, who scores 19,375,400,000,000
> points in "Raiders of Zorgon" without even getting sore knuckles, who
> can read auras without looking, who even knows how to write IBM JCL
> just from looking at the blinking lights, whose tape heads never need
> cleaning, I humbly, abasedly, shamefully, timidly, obsequiously,
> bashfully, self-loathingly, dare to ask one small question ...
>
> Shit, I forgot the question now!  Do you remember what it was?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.


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