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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohe magnus Oraculus, qui identibus anticus frustrum magnum spinaciae > hab es (id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam), ell-tay e-may: > > Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                     JULIUS CAESAR APPEARS IN MIDWEST! }                   Roman Emperor Abducted by Space Aliens! }                       WEEKLY WORLD NEWS Exclusive! } } By Sweeney Todd, Special Correspondent, 20 June 1992 } }    Students at Indiana University thought it was just another } fraternity prank.  But the man wearing a toga and a crown of bay leaves } was no frat brother--he was the Roman Emperor Julius Caesar, kidnapped } by space aliens and released in the year 1992! }    According to students, the bewildered emperor first appeared on the } quad at IU around noon last Thursday.  "People started to gather around } him, laughing and shouting 'To-GA!  To-GA!'" said coed Allison Walker, } 19. "But when someone threw a beer can at him and he pulled a short } sword out of his belt and started shouting in some weird language, } like, everyone freaked!" }    Luckily, one member of the crowd was Horace Dimsdale, 20, a junior } computer science major and third-year Latin student.  "I understood } what he was shouting, but I couldn't believe it at first," said } Dimsdale.  "I think it was 'Ego Caesar Imperator sum, osculate culum } meum!' I don't like to say just what it means, but he was pretty } angry." }    Dimsdale managed to rescue the hapless Emperor from the crowd and, } using his fluent Latin, find out how he had arrived in Bloomington. } Although Caesar lacked the vocabulary to describe some of what he had } seen, it was clear from his description that he had been abducted from } the Roman Forum by space aliens in a large pulsating UFO in the year 48 } B.C.!  "They communicated with him using their ESP and told him that } they wanted to study his brain because he was known to them as one of } the great military minds of the Galaxy," said Dimsdale.  "They were } running some kind of probe when they were interrupted by an enemy } attack, and to save Caesar they had to drop him off at the nearest } space-time continuum."  Which happened to be Indiana in 1992! }    IU officials arrived, but as soon as Caesar realized where he was he } insisted on being taken to "the Great Oracle."  "We didn't get it at } first," said Prof. J. W. Halporn, head of Classics at IU.  "He kept } saying, 'Ubi Magnum Oraculum?'  I knew that wasn't Latin for 'take me } to your leader,' but luckily Horace here figured out what he meant." }    The betoga'ed ruler was in fact asking for the "Usenet Oracle," a } massive super-secret Artificial Intelligence project housed at Indiana } University, whom the space aliens had told Caesar was the ruler of the } greatest empire on the planet in 1992!  "We took him to the nearest } VT100," said Dimsdale, "and he sat down and began typing right } away--after making a sarcastic comment about how the space aliens used } more sophisticated Dvorak keyboards!" }    The Emperor's current whereabouts are being kept secret by IU } officials as they work feverishly with their Oracle software to } discover a way to return Julius Caesar to his own time.  "We know he } has to have gotten back somehow," said Halporn, "because we asked the } Oracle what would happen if Caesar had disappeared and never been } assassinated, and the Oracle got real mad and said, 'Look, even my } Supplicants have gotten tired of these old-hat alternate reality } questions,' and assured us that the technology to return Caesar was } well within his grasp." }    But the Weekly World News has learned from sources among the } students that the famous author of "et tu, Brute?" is now enjoying } American beer, pretzels, and reruns of I Love Lucy!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, I have to go to the bathroom sooooo badly!  Where is the > nearest relief room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simple really, such an easy question compared to some of the ones } I've ^GConnection Interrupted from eagle-eye.nsa.gov } } "Jenkins!  Get in here!" } } "What is it boss?" } } "I was doing a routine scan on all the iuvax internet traffic, well, } you know what a bunch of commies they are.  Anyway, look what came up." } } "Jesus!  How the hell does anybody know about the Relief Room?" } } "I dunno, but it looks like security has been compromised.  Jenkins, } call the president and tell him to be on standby for evacuation. } Simmons, try and trace the source of this mail, Johnson, boil some } water and tear sheets into strips.  Move people, move!" } } "Boss, what are you doing using that terminal?  You know it isn't } secure." } } "Shit, you're right, hang on while I } } ^GConnection Resumed } the hall, past the drinking fountain, and on your left. } } You owe the Oracle a picture postcard of Niagra Falls.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This morning I woke up and sold the house and everything in it.  I took > the proceeds and bought equipment to construct a 600 meter tower, and > on the top, in tasteful white lights, is spelled out a tribute to you, > O Master of Knowledge.  Underneath that, on a platinum platform is a > shrine erected to you, and stocked with chocolate fudge, everything i > could find leather, and various whips and other toys.  Also some milk > and cookies.  After I was complete I set out kissing every inch of > ground so that if, perchance, you should walk over it, I will be > covered.  Additionally, I have tatooed your name in 137 seperate places > on my body to remind me of your awe-inspiring power.  Please answer this > question from your *very* devoted supplicant: > > Last Sunday evening I sat down in front of my TV.  I usually don't > watch TV during the week, but I do set my VCR to record the new Star > Trek episode on Saturday night so I can watch it on Sunday.  Well, as > luck would have it, the antenna connector was not connected completely, > so, while I got an acceptable picture, much of the sound was garbled > with static making it very annoying to watch, not to mention it was > impossible to follow the story. Can you tell me what happened - its the > one where the space probe zaps Picard and makes him relive some kind of > previous life in 25 minutes or something. The episode looked really > good, and i'm kind of cranky about missing it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think you're pretty good at this grovelling stuff, don't you?  Well, } you forgot to stock the shrine with recreational drugs, and you did not } say the requisite Old Aramaic prayers while crawling backwards around } the shrine 333 times widdershins and 17 times deosel!!  HA!  That's six } thousand extra years in Purgatory for you, buckwheat! } } Now, about that question... } } That was a pretty good episode.  It turns out the the alien space probe } was built by Wesley Crusher, who sent it out after the Enterprise with } his dirty laundry so that his Mom the Doctor could wash it for him. } Unfortunately, the probe was incepted by Romulan agents led by the Evil } Tasha Yar look-alike, who re-rigged it to project compressed bursts of } 24th century sit-coms directly into Picard's brain.  The Enterprise } bridge crew is totally mystified by this attack, and no one can figure } out quite how to deal with it: } } Doctor: His brain is turning to raspberry jelly!!  I've never seen }         anything like it. } } Worf: I recommend that we blast the sucker pronto!! } } Data: Would it not be more logical to make jelly doughnuts for the }       crew? } } Diana Troy: I sense evil intent... } } Ricker: Maybe if I leer at it becomingly, it will go away... } } Picard: Where's the Beaver? } } You owe the Oracle some clean underwear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, you large stinkfoot, > why does it hurt when i pee ? >                    F.Z.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Mr. Zappa, you could take some of the pressure off if } you took your head out of your ass and gave a proper grovel. } } -The Oracle } } ps- Don't worry; I'm still voting for you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O splendiferous one, > > As you know, Dan Quayle recently made a fool of himself for about > the 1000th time by prompting a schoolkid to spell "potato" as > "potatoe."  The White House spin control people explained that > the mistake wasn't entirely Quayle's fault because the spelling > on his cue card was in fact "potatoe." > > This seems like a pretty lame excuse to me.  What would a better > one be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That grovel was rather prefunctory ... better shape up next time ... } } Believe it or not, this is actually the best possible excuse.  You } think those handler types are stupid or something?  They're experts } at this excuse business.  Any other would either be even less } effective at making Quayle look like an idiot, or would be too } implausible for most voters to believe.  For instance, here are some } of the other excuses which were examined and rejected: } }  - Quayle has been battling a life-threatening illness for the last }      three weeks and is, of necessity, heavily drugged ... we can }      only salute the courage of his determination to continue leading }      a normal life and sparing others the burden of extending him any }      special treatment with regard to his condition.  Announcements }      of full recovery to be postponed until he has a "good streak" of }      five or more non-embarrassing public appearences. } }  - The shortened spelling without the "e" is not actually }      traditional, but an idea that has been spread by powerful }      Hollywood liberals.  The Big Lie techniques that these media }      moguls use to mould public opinion have been successful in }      leaving everyone with the belief that the shortened NewSpeak }      spelling has actually been in use for centuries. } }  - Quayle was unfortunate in that he had to attend schools during }      years in which Democrats were promoting endless government }      interference in schools, which made it impossible for anyone to }      get the kind of top quality education that President Bush is }      certain to bring us back to eventually, if Congress lets him. }      This is also why Quayle didn't do real well in law school -- the }      failure was the school's, not his. } }  - He knew how it was spelled but President Reagan had once told him }      it was spelled with an "e", and he could not bring himself to }      embarrass the former president whom he holds in such great }      regard by making him look stupid, so he selflessly took the }      burden of media shame onto his own shoulders.  This explains }      quite a few other incidents too. } }  - There is actually a different word spelled "potatoe" which is not }      pronounced at all like the name of the common root crop, but it }      is so obscure that only very knowledgeable and scholarly people }      like Quayle have ever heard of it.  Quayle had misjudged the }      level of scholastic advancement in the class he was attending. }      Questions as to what this other word means are to be put off for }      a day or so in order to think of an answer.  The Oracle, of }      course, already knows what it means. } }  - That was actually Bill Clinton in a clever disguise.  It doesn't }      take very much makeup for Clinton, long a master of impersonation, }      to make himself look exactly like Quayle. } }  - News bombshell!  Chinese secret agents have been caught operating }      a hidden tape system which plays subliminal indoctrination }      messages into Quayle's ears while he's asleep.  They were }      captured in the act of putting in a cassette which would have }      caused Quayle to mistakenly say that Jesus Christ was a }      Frenchman. } } Although some of these may seem more convincing to you, they would } not have been very widely believed by the public.  So the excuse } given, weak as it was, has actually been proven by the most rigorous } White House staff analysis to be the best that can be managed.  At } least without Oracular help.  I know a much better excuse but I aint } telling. } } You owe the Oracle a place on the ballot in all fifty states.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get out of here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, another poor soul lured in by the unscrupulous dictators. } } You see, despite what they told you, you don't get out of there.  Ever. } What happens is that for the next two years, you will be some } professor's virtual slave, teaching his classes, grading homework and } proctoring exams, while he is out enjoying himself.  I say "virtual } slave" because as he promised, you will get paid.  Almost.  Boy, I bet } when you were an undergrad, $700 a month sure seemed like a lot of } money, didn't it?  Well, now that mom and dad don't pay the bills } anymore, you will find out just how far that much money will go. (hint: } It won't make it all the way to the grocery store)  I suppose you } always wondered why grad students smell didn't you.  Well, now you know } that it is because they can't afford to shower or wash their clothes. } Anyway, at the end of two years you will go to your major professor and } tell him that you want a change.  He will say "Sure, why didn't you say } so earlier?  It's about time you started bearing down on your thesis. } How about if I make you a research assistant?" } } At that time, you will find out that the life of a research assistant } is no more glamorous that that of a teaching assistant.  Now, you will } be spending about 75 hours a week doing all the little work in research } that your professor is too lazy to do.  All the while, he will be } publishing papers, putting your name in the 'Acknowledgements' section. } (if you are lucky) You will also notice in his mailbox one day a check } from the government for about $50,000 that has been earmarked for your } grant.  When you ask him about this, he will explain how most of the } money is eaten up by 'administrative details,' and that it isn't his } fault that you don't see a fifth of that money during the year.  He } will then ask you 'Say, have you started writing your thesis yet?' and } drive away in his new Jag.  You will soon loathe the phrase 'Have you } started writing your thesis yet?' } } After four more years of this drudgery, he will call you into his } office and say 'Things seem to be shaping up, I think you are almost } finished. Have you started writing your thesis yet?'  In peoplespeak } this translates roughly to: 'Damn, I can't believe you are stupid } enough to have stayed this long, now I really have to start applying } the thumbscrews to get you to drop out.  Now get out of my office.' } After another two years, you will still be at the 'only a few more } results to go - have you started writing yet?' stage.  This is where } you will remain forever, because you see, you have decided to forgo the } real world, with it's things like a real salary, comfortable lodging, } and food, and instead have signed up for the life of a grad student, } filled with things like outdated computers and stale Twinkies. } } No, sadly, you never get out of here.  So, have you started writing } yet? } } The Oracle won't charge you a thing (like you could pay anyway)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.Oracle. > > I realise that this is probably a bad time for you, what with all the > frogs falling out of the sky and everything, but it has occurred to me > that as you are so undeniably cool and things, so you can probably cope > with what amounts to, for you, an inestimably small amount of thinking. > > What I would like to know is this;  could I be justified in defrauding > my employers of an amount of money in excess of 3/4 million pounds > (Sterling). I consider that the amount of money they pay me is > insufficient to allow me to lead the sort of lifestyle I would wish. > For example, I consider it perfectly reasonable to allow someone who > works in a high stress environment (like I do) to holiday three times a > year, each time to, say, the USA, Far East, or Australia.  (This is > London).  I have worked as a shelf stacker for a large supermarket > chain for 2 months now and have already found one grey hair (on my dog, > I'll admit, but it still counts).  Further, I have recently test driven > a big expensive European sports car, and I want one.  Actually, I think > it may be more useful to illegally obtain more than 3/4 of a million > pounds. > What do you think? > > Yours, > > Desperately deprived.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the frogs.  They are some of my favorite pets.  Hey! You better } not be doing anything like running over them on the moterway or } anything!  You know that I will instantly catch and ZOT! you should you } do such a thing. Actually, I am tempted to ZOT! anyway.  When you } British fail to grovel it really bothers me.  I mean, you have royalty } and everything.  Geez, you should be used to it.  When the Americans } forget, well, they're still evolving.  And the French! Well, if it } wasn't for my friend Thor, I would have annihilated them years ago } (Thor like to use France as a practice target zone, much like the } Germans do). } } Anyway, to your question: } } Let me have a look; } } Oracular Crystal Ball: } USERID: Oracle1.Omnipotent } PASSWORD: *!#<!>***! } } >Hey Orrie! What's Happening?> } } I have a British supplicant who wants to know about ripping off 3/4 } million pounds (Sterling) from his employers. Give me a read out. } } >Well Orrie, it's only funny money, it's not like the Holy Dollar or } >anything. } } Yeah, well, the British seem to take their currency seriously. Geezer, } even I'm mystified by that.  Anyway, by contract, I have to answer this } guy so let's run a model and see what happens. } } >Well what model would you like to run? Jerry Hall? Christy Brinkly? } >Terry Garr isn't really a model but she does underwear commercials.... } } Yeah, I know. And she looks damn good in those.  Who do you think gave } the producers the idea to hire her.  Geez, I have the pictures from her } dressing room! } } >Well if you ever need money for leather wear for Lisa, those will come } >in handy. Please scan those to me, it will help my marital life. } } I don't care about your damn marital life!  Now run a model based on } the parameters of this guy's job and life and let's see what will } happen if he rips off the money from his employers! } } >OK!@!@##*! You don't have to get testy! } } =============================================== } ORACULAR MODEL #980,673,573,789,321,900,132,003 } =============================================== } >WARNING!! } >YOU ARE OVER YOUR LIMIT OF CPU TIME!  THIS JOB MAY BE DISCONTINUED } >WITHOUT ADDITIONAL WARNING! } } Oh! Big hairy deal!  I am the Omnipotent Oracle!  If they dare cut me } off I'll crash their whole damn system.  I'll crash everyone's system! } Go ahead boyz, screw with me.... } } >Err, I, ah, I have just received clearance for you to operate within } >the pre-defined parameters for the next three eons...SIR! } } That's more like it! } } >OK. The model has run.  Answer forthcoming. } >British stockboy manages to embezzle 3/4 million pounds (Sterling) } >from his employers.  Same, spends large amount on European sports car } >(a good choice I should add).  Employers call in Scotland Yard to find } >the missing money. Scotland Yard far too busy tracking the Royal } >AFFAIRS of Princess Di.  So employers hire a private firm to find the } >thief.  Private firm then paid three time more by tabloid to find out } >if Prince Charles is really a voyeur and is secretly making videos of } >Diana and her, err..., playmates.  The employers try again with a } >different firm and again have the same results. } >>>> } >>RESULTING ANALYSIS: } >>>> } >Supplicant should proceed with plan.  There is a 98.7% probability } >that he will not be caught due to the British obsession with whom } >their Royalty is sleeping around with (like it is any of their } >business!). } >>END JOB> } } Thank you.  I won't pull your plug after all. } } >Thanx, your Worship. } } There you have it. Supplicant. Go for it.  But please, do send the } Prince a Receipt.  He may need it soon for taxes. } } You owe the Oracle a three week supply of fake beards and condems } appropriate for the Royal Bedroom (I HATE USING THE FRENCH TERM!!!!)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                        Subject:                         Time:9:13 AM >                        tell me                          OFFICE MEMO >   Date:6/17/92 > > Great and Powerful Oracle, > We pale in your magnificance.  Your greatness trancends both time and > space.  It is to you only that all the secrets and intricasies of the > universe are known.  You alone can program your VCR to record in > advance without consulting the manual.  Although we are to you what the > flashing 12:00 on said VCR is to us, we have prospered from your > tutelage. > >      Oh great Oracle, please enlighten us: > >      When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it loop around in a sideways > "U" fashion, or does it rotate around it's line of flight like a screw? > > Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, a very flattering grovel.  This deserves a very truthful answer. } The answer is neither and both, in a way.  When  fly lands on a } ceiling, it performs both a sideways (like rotating like a screw) and a } backwards (like a "U" turn) somersault.  Thus it ends up facing whence } it came.  And possibly falling to the floor if it gets it wrong. } } You owe the Oracle an answer to the question: do flies rotate in the } opposite direction in the southern hemisphere?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, >       If a photon is both a particle >       and also a wave >       And nobody can explain >       how women behave >       And all president's seem >       to have one foot in the grave >       then... > >       What exactly did I do on Friday night, and why did I wake up > Saturday morning on the bathroom floor, with a good deal of cleaning to > do and a hangover that made my last root canal seem like orgasmic > pleasure in comparison?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, Mr. Vice-President, had nightmares all Friday night about swarms } of fourth-grade spelling-bee champions pelting you with potatoes.  When } you stumbled to the bathroom in your sleep, you slipped on your rubber } duckie and knocked yourself out.  Keep up the good work. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Confuse-A-Veep flashcards.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: a University building somewhere. > Time: yesterday morning > > The pallid graduate student exits the advisor's office looking not > unlike a wet dishrag.  He scuttles into his hellhole of a cubicle, > avoiding the pitying looks of his office-mates.  His advisor's > sarcasms are still ringing in his ears.  He softly mutters... > >  "Just because a fellow logs 45 hours of rogue in one stinking week." > > He brings up Xtrek on the screen but even this panacea fails to > capture his attention.  The iniquities of his situation are never > clearer than at this moment.  He mutters unintelligbly for a while, > and then brightens, > >  "I'll fix that so-and-so." > > Hours pass, and the student (happy now) pounds away at his terminal. > His officemates look at him curiously, wondering why he hasn't left as > yet, but he stays resolutely at his desk.  He is waiting, patiently > like the stag.  His office-mates look at him curiously, but he avoids > all attempts at conversation.  At 4:55pm the advisor leaves.  The > students file away shortly after, but never once is he alone in his > office; some return later, but he is still there, waiting at his > terminal.  A few trips to the vending machine for Pepsi and candy bars > are the only signs of life.  Finally, at 4:02 am the last office-mate > leaves (after making sure to send some unimportant mail to the entire > group + advisor before he leaves). > > The student waits for 10 more minutes to be sure that his office-mate > has not forgotten something.  Then he gets to his feet and circles the > big office, stopping at various terminals before he finds one that > where someone is still logged on.  Snickering to himself he sits down > > bambi.grad-machine(124) su root > Password: > > # >           "Hee, hee, heeee" > # su prof > > big-shot.grad-machine[1] rsh most-powerful-but-totally- >                          underutilized-machine-available_only-To-bigshot > > Last login: 4 weeks ago > 1 user, load 0.00, 0.00, 0.00 > big-shot(1) whoami >   big-shot >                                     "Can't be too careful" > big-shot(2) mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > Subject: tell me > Hey you Stupid, > > Yes, Oracle I'm talking to you.  My grad student says you are > all-knowing but I think you are a piece of crap.  Far from knowing > everything, you couldn't pass my 203 exam for sophomores, even if I > gave you the answers in advance.  You are a total fraud. > > My dumb-hick grad student thinks you are all-powerful and can ZOT! me. > You couldn't ZOT! an amoeba in a toxic waste dump.  I dare you to ZOT! > me; you wouldn't even be able to ruffle my hair.  Nyah, nyah, nyah, I > dare you, weakling. > > Remember, its my grad student who thinks you are great.  I think you > are the model for the 97 pound weakling who has sand kicked in his > face in the Charles Atlas ads. > > Ha, Ha, ha... ZOT! me, I double dare you. > > Signed, > > Big-shot Prof > > E-mail: big-shot@cs.NO-name_univ.edu > > . > cc: > big-shot(3)logout > > big-shot.grad-machine[2] logout > > # ^D > > bambi.grad-machine(125) clear; logout > > The graduate student switches off the light and leaves the office. > For the first time in the last week his face looks peaceful.  Even > though he is silent it is clear what he is thinking...... > >  "Muuuaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: THE Oracle, jr. (Automatic answering aid) } To: big-shot@cs.No_name.edu } Copies To: grad-student@bambi.cs.No_name.edu } } The message from you did not contain any question, so I am returning } it to both the user of the author and the posting user. } } You owe the oracle a question