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Internet Oracularities #463

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Usenet Oracularities #463    (31 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Fri, 26 Jun 92 07:28:49 -0500

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463   31 votes 3dc03 18aa2 05f92 68a43 7a851 7i510 3ca60 27ca0 59a52 2ad60
463   2.7 mean  2.6   3.1   3.3   2.7   2.5   2.0   2.6   3.0   2.7   2.7


463-01    (3dc03 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <sgccmmc@citecuc.citec.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DEAR WISDOM,
>
> How can small room modes be taken into account when simulating
> the impulse response of small room ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DEAR IGNORANCE,
}
} I am quite surprised (no small feat for an omniscient being) that you
} know of small room impulse responses at all.  Small room psychology has
} only been studied since May, when Dr. Rapple Barqethorp connected his
} extremely advanced neural network doctoral thesis to a universal remote
} control that handled his home entertainment center and the mood
} lighting.  Since that time, he has published three books on the
} subsequent behavior of his room, and how it has affected his sex life.
} He's on Geraldo next week.
} But to get back to your question, no less than four small room modes
} have been discovered.  Here are there names, and the way they can fit
} into your simulation:
} 1. ASLEEP : In this mode, the room won't do very damn much at all.  If
} you try to adjust the temperature too much, it will transfer into the
} BITCHY mode.
} 2. BITCHY : The room will usually do the opposite of whatever would be
} most comfortable for the occupants.  It can be placated best when
} everyone leaves. Rooms involved in drunken, obnoxious parties where
} they recieve a lot of physical damage tend to enter this state very
} quickly.
} 3. HORNY : In this stage, brought on by porn movies or late-night
} dates, the room favors low lighting and soft music.  Any attempt to
} break the mood, say by lowering the temperature, will put the room in
} the BITCHY state for about a week.
} 4. GROVEL : In this particular mode, the room will serve its occupants
} in the best ways it can think of.  Taking its cues from the movements
} and words of those inside it, the room will control the sound, light,
} and all other aspects to the point where the people usually decide to
} camp out for a week inside it.
}
} Needless to say, most of small room psychology is dedicated to bribing
} the room into entering the GROVEL stage.  Perhaps you could think about
} that next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VCR with SVHS, Dolby Surround, and AI.


463-02    (18aa2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,
>
> My boy wanted to know this.  I would have scanned his writing of the
> question into a .GIF file, UUENCODEd it and sent it to you that way (it
> looks much more innocent and cute), but I figured you would like this
> better. He asks:
>
> Dear Orakle,
> How did u and leesa meat each uthur and fell in luv?
>
> I know he's not very good at grovelling, but please don't <ZOT!> him.
> He's only 4 years old. Just wait until he's 12 and bothers everyone.
>
> Thank you, sir.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sonny,
}
}     Gee, I'm sorry, but your Daddy must not have downloaded
} Oracularities Digest #454 for you.  You see, I explained there a few
} days ago that Lisa is a cute little Wuzzle, a Bow-wow-kanga-puss, with
} the head of a cat, the body of a dog, and the pouch and hind legs of a
} kangaroo.  I met her in Hollywood, at Toontown, when I was talking to
} some nice movie people...
}
} ***
} Message from kinzler@ebccuab1.bitnet on tty14 at 15:20 ...
} Hold it right there, mi amigito electronico!!  You're violating
} Oracle Prime Directive #2, "Respect the Integrity of the Oracle
} Mythos," and don't think that just because I'm in Barcelona I'm
} not keeping my eye on you! -o-
}
} Kinzler, what the hell?  You can't be writing me from a Bitnet
} node--that's impossible! -o-
}
} The word "impossible" has no meaning to the man who programmed
} the Oracle, boyo.  Anyway, about this response of yours.  It's bad
} enough that the Wuzzle answer made the Oracularities in the first
} place, but I'm concerned about loss of Oracular historicity among the
} Supplicants if they're allowed to forget that Lisa began as the
} net.sex.goddess. -o-
}
} ["Oracular Historicity?"  Jeesh!]  Now wait a minute, Kinz, you want me
} to tell a FOUR-YEAR-OLD how Lisa and I met?  Are you prepared to have
} rec.humor.oracle thrown off the Net in Canada, Louisiana, and half the
} EC countries?  You want the McMartin Preschool case to look bush
} league?  Holy Jumping J, big guy, YOU were there--or at any rate you
} saw the apartment the next morning... -o-
}
} Look, Oracle, you can just sort of talk about how you ran into her,
} you don't have to tell the kid what you two were doing half an hour
} later...  -o-
}
} OK, Kinz.  Care to translate "leather bar" for me into 4-year-old-ese?
} -o-
}
} You don't have to LIE, Orrie--a few well-chosen euphemisms should--
}
} Kinzler, you just DON'T GET IT!  You can turn "Gulliver's Travels" into
} a kid's book by taking out a few Brobdignagian tits and castle-pissing
} scenes, but you're asking me to edit "Behind the Green Door" to a G
} rating, or turn "Fanny Hill" into Nancy Drew!  You want truth, dude,
} that's what you'll get, comprendes?  "Daddy, Daddy, why is Mister
} Oracle wearing that big belt and that funny collar and putting his--
}
} OK, calm down, Oracle.  Point taken.  You're the expert.  Me, I'm just
} a humble programmer.  'Nuff said.  Time for my Catalan lesson.
} (Private tutor, name of Felicia--oh, later on that...).  Carry on,
} boyo. -o-
}
} Fine, Kinz.  And buy yourself a wide sombrero, guy--I think that
} Barcelona sun is warping your judgement lobes.  Later. -oo-
} EOF
} ***
}
} ... and when Roger Rabbit introduced me to Baby Herman his carriage was
} being pushed by the *prettiest* baby-sitter, and her name was Lisa!
} She had always wanted to meet a real Oracle, and ...


463-03    (05f92 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose thought processes exceed the speed of light by a factor
> of at least 3.1415926535897932384626433, please answer my question.
> Refer to diagram:
>                __
>     15th Floor|  | <- B (my office)
>               |  |
>               |  |
> Nottingham    |  |    |
> University    |  |    | C                        o
> Department    |  |    |                          O   <--- A (me)
> of Computer   |  |    v                          ^
> Science       |  |
> UK            |  |
>               |  |     ------------- D
>               |  |    |
>               |  |    v
>   Ground floor|__|____.__________
>
> If entity A were to travel from point B in direction C under constant
> acceleration of 9.81m/s^2 until arriving at point D, would anyone be
> sorry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See diagram:
}
}                 __
}      15th Floor|  | <- B (my office)
}                |  |
}                |  |
}  Nottingham    |  |    |
}  University    |  |    | C
}  Department    |  |    |
}  of Computer   |  |    v
}  Science       |  |
}  UK            |  |
}                |  |     ------------- D    /--------------------------\
}                |  |    |          o........|Damn! Not another entity A|
}                |  |    v        --O-       |I have to clean up after! |
}    Ground floor|__|___;*%______/__^        \--------------------------/
}                          -----|   |-------
}                          |               |
}                          M (Mop)         J (janitor)
}
} The answer to your question is Yes.
}
} You owe the oracle a jar of strawberry jam.


463-04    (68a43 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most honorable Oracle-roshi, please consider the ignorance of one who
> seeks enlightenment.
>
> How much Zen would a Zen master master if a Zen master could master
> Zen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                      ____
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    |
}                     |    | __
}                     |    |/  \  __
}      ____           |     |   \/  \  __
}     /    \          |     |    |   \/  \
}     \     \         |    /    /    /   |
}      \     \      /     /    /    /   /\
}       \     \    |     /    /    /   /  |
}        \     |   |    /    /    /\__/   |
}         \     \_/    /    /\___/        |
}          \           \___/             /


463-05    (7a851 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh lordly One, pardon the temerity of a feeble Supplicant who is
> merely peering past the beam in his eye to ask about the mote in Yours:
>
>    Over the years You have had occasion to communicate with the
> Almighty many times in the course of sharing your Oracularities with us
> feeble mortals.  (Strictly speaking, some of those occasions were tty
> write messages initiated by a disgruntled Deity, but you'd probably
> rather forget those...)  Anyway, I am confused and rather distressed by
> the multiplicity of Internet addresses that God apparently uses.  The
> following is a list of His addresses I obtained by running
> "grep -i god@ *" on Your collected Oracularities:
>
>    god@berkley
>    god@gates.heavan.gov
>    god@genesis.heaven.omni
>    god@halo.pearlygates.com
>    god@heaven.com
>    god@heaven.heaven.com.
>    god@hyper-connection-machine.diety
>    god@pearly.gates.com
>    God@pearly.heaven.org
>    god@pearlygates.heaven
>    god@pissed.off.com
>    god@righteous.fury.com
>    god@the.domain
>    god@trinity.heaven.gov
>    god@universe.gov
>    god@your.host.is.as.good.as.mine
>
> Now what gives?  Is Heaven commercial, governmental, an organization,
> or its own top-level domain?  Does God forge Internet addresses?
> Does He make spelling mistakes?  How many machines does He have,
> anyway?  Does He really keep an account at Berkeley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times do I have to tell you supplicants that *I* am the top of
} the heap!  *I* am the number one deity, and that all others are below
} me!  *I* am the almighty, even though many others deities would claim
} otherwise to salvage their bruised egos.  Any other messages you get
} from the Oracle claiming otherwise are probably from one of those other
} deities, trying to pass off their word as my own to give it more
} credibility.
}
} But on to your question.
}
} Yes, Yahweh, the Judeo-Christian god does have a lot of e-mail
} accounts. It's just something he does (yes, he...do you honestly think
} a woman could be that psycho *all the time*?  Only a man is capable of
} such sustained schizophrenic cruelty, and only a man would rape a poor
} girl like Mary...but let's not go into this right now).  I mean, this
} is the deity who has legions of archangels, cherubim and seraphim, who
} collects saints and prophets and martyrs like others collect baseball
} cards.  Having control over a lot of things makes him feel important.
} Thus all the e-mail accounts.  You missed all the ones that started
} "yahweh@" and "jesus@" and "jehovah@" and "holy.spirit@", plus others
} too boring and tedious to go into.
}
} You owe the Oracle an account at Berkeley.


463-06    (7i510 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxe.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle who not only ponders the imponderable but
> knows the answers as well, whose ear wax I am not worthy to use as
> haemorrhoid cream, I you humble adorant do beseech you to solve this
> deep mystery for me. I am confident  that if I had the answer to this
> one question I would be able to live the rest of my life in peace and
> harmony with myself.
>
> Is there such a thing as Love?  It is possible for two human beings to
> come together in respect and live a life of partnership and
> cooperation.  Or is all this just a trick which nature plays on us in
> order to get to reproduce?
>
> Thanks,
>   Horny but wondering.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Horny;
}
} The Oracle would claim that `love' is merely an evolutionary trick to
} promote reproduction, except that, among your species, having sex for
} reproductive purposes is passe'.  My considered opinion is that the
} desire for love (note: not love itself) promotes copulation so that
} you short-lived miserable creatures don't FORGET HOW to reproduce.
}
} Love itself is a nifty psychoactive chemical you produce when you
} think you ought to have it.  You `feel' your own love, not someone
} else's.  If you want to feel good, `love' someone else.  Don't wait
} for it to happen to you first, or you'll be sitting there a long time.
}
} As far as the bit about cooperation and respect between two human
} beings is concerned, yes, it is possible.  This is called `friendship'
} and has little to do with drugs.  The Oracle is omniscient and knows
} that you already know the mechanics of `friendship'.
}
} Of course, the Oracle approves highly of sex (practiced safely and with
} proper precautions) as an appropriate recreational activity among
} friends, or at least people you can trust not to get hung up on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the chemical formula for `love', a marketing
} strategy, a box of condoms delivered in person to [ORACULAR PRIEST:
} please edit this address out, but I don't mind yourself and the
} questioner seeing it/ responding to it] the Oracle's current
} incarnation (vidicon@cad.gatech.edu) (Wear a slinky negligee'.  The
} Oracle has developed a taste for those.) and something funny to say
} here so this will make it into the Oracularities to be read by everyone
} else who needs to see it, or at least the FAQ list. You also owe the
} Oracle verification that Richard Bach , `Dear Abby', and Dr. Ruth
} Westheimer are eating their respective hearts out.


463-07    (3ca60 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one become a priest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Choose your favorite deity, e.g.
}       The Oracle                      God (Christian incarnation)
} 2) Make a significant sacrifice to chosen deity
}       Send gifts of numerous          Take lifelong vows of chastity
}       sex toys and lots of
}       whipped cream
} 3) Devote life to service of chosen deity
}       Answer questions of             Lead religious services
}       supplicants
} 4) Die in supposed spiritual bliss
}
} You owe the Oracle a larger temple, with more space for acolytes.


463-08    (27ca0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Oracle, we meet again.  Do you recognize me?  Ah yes, it is I,
> your old arch-enemy, LINE-NOISE MAN.  Yes, I'm sure you _thought_ I
> was gone forever when you trapped me in that length of unshielded
> twisted pair, then ripped it out and put in FIBER!  But, as you see,
> I'm back.  Hahahahahaa!  Yes, I survived, but YOU, the Great Usenet
> Oracle, shall *not*!
>
> (Random, expendable bystander: "Oh my God, he's got a...a...BACKHOE!")
>
> YES!  And do you know where we are?  Right over the main network feed
> to iuvax, *that's* where!  Soon, you shall be disconnected forever,
> Oracle.  The Internet will be wide open, no one will have the answers.
> Bwa ha ha ha ha haaaaaa.  Vengeance, sweet vengeance, is mine!
>
> (Sound of diesel engine revving up)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > So, Oracle, we meet again.  Do you recognize me?  Ah yes, it is I,
} > your old a****************NOISE*************** sur*******************
} > was gone f*              *trap*               *ngt*                 *
} > twisted pa*************  *it *   ***********   *R!*********  ********
} > I'm back.  Hahahahaha*  *Yes,*  *urvived, bu*  *U, the Gre*  *senet
} > Oracle, shall *not*!*  *     *  *           *  *          *  *
} >                    *  *      *  *           *  *          *  *
} > (Random, expendabl*  *stander*  *h my God, h*  *got a...a.*  *CKHOE!")
} >                  *  *        *  *           *  *          *  *
} > YES!  And do you*  *w where w*  *e?  Right o*  *the main n*  *rk feed
} > to iuvax, *that*  *where!  So*  *you shall b*  *sconnected*  *ever,
} > Oracle.  The I*  *net will be*  *e open, no *  *will have *  *answers.
} > Bwa ha ha ha *  *aaaaaa.  Ven*  *ce, sweet v*  *ance, is m*  *
} >             *  *             *  *           *  *          *  *
} > (Sound of d*  *l engine revvi*  *p)         *  *          *  *
}             *  ************    *   ***********   *          *  *
} You forgot  *             *     *               *           *  *
} to grovel!  ***************      ***************            ****
}
} Besides, what's me to iuvax, or iuvax to me, that I should weep for it?
}
} You also forgot to ask a question.
}
} Here's an answer for free:
}
} The meaning of life is that t^& wiTU%#s ar{{^?momoing.


463-09    (59a52 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your most wonderful Oracleness, by whose grace the swallows return to
> Capistrano, would you please tell me who to vote for in the approaching
> United States Presidential election?  Which one of the candidates--if
> elected--is in the best position to do the least amount of damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To make it short and sweet for my wonderful and humble servant:
}
} Bush doesn't seem to know what exactly is going on in the country.  You
}       can't read his lips, and there are no more wars to fight.  He's
}       out.
}
} Clinton looks like a future Ted Kennedy, and his personality is slicker
}       than an oily slug.
}
} Perot talks and acts like a muppet.
}
} The only candidate worth voting for in the upcomming election is Bill
} the Cat. He might not do a good job, but that's never been a
} requirement.  At  least the speeches will be shorter.


463-10    (2ad60 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose wisdom is sufficient to tell me (if I
> were to ask) when my development project will really be done (as
> opposed to what it says here on my management-dictated schedule),
> please tell me:
>
> Why is it that my wife is suddenly grabbing at my -- well, you know --
> and demanding it "hard and fast" two and three times a day all of a
> sudden?  What could have happened?  How can I keep up?  And how can I
> make sure she doesn't change back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shrink:               ... and when you hear the snap of the my fingers,
}               you will awake refreshed and remember nothing.
}
}               <SNAP>
}
} Supplicant:   Huh?  What?
}
} Shrink:               Well, we're about out of time for today.
}               I think we need to discuss more of your fantasies.
}               Same time next week?
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on hypnotism and an analyst's couch.


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