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Internet Oracularities #464

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464, 464-01, 464-02, 464-03, 464-04, 464-05, 464-06, 464-07, 464-08, 464-09, 464-10


Usenet Oracularities #464    (30 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 92 08:49:22 -0500

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464   30 votes 28776 28f50 7ba20 86673 aa550 4a862 56c52 38a54 a9740 3347d
464   2.8 mean  3.2   2.8   2.2   2.7   2.2   2.7   2.8   3.0   2.2   3.8


464-01    (28776 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge exceeds that of The Sage, who
> claims to know *everything*, I beesech you, to answer one question for
> the most lowly of users.  Wise Oracle, how does Bitnet operate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, you Supplicant Techno-Weenies are really starting to get
} on my nerves.  We plop you down on the prettiest little blue jewel
} of a planet in the universe, full of majestic mountains, crystal
} lakes, exquisite flora, and wild and mysterious animals.  We've
} given you 12 hours of glowing, warm sunlight in which to enjoy
} these bounties (instead of the 4 originally proposed by Morpheus),
} and 12 hours of peaceful darkness in which to dream and rest.  And
} what do you bleary eyed chunks of arrested development do?  You
} sit in front of your computers inventing programs for tasks that
} will have not the slightest iota of meaning 10 years, hell, even
} 5 years from now.  You tinker with microcircuits with tiny
} screwdrivers while the wonders of the universe unfold around you.
} I could tell you how Bitnet works, but I will spare you.  Consider
} well these words instead.  Stop picking your zits for five minutes
} and take a walk in the sun.  Examine the plants as you pass.
} Take a deep breath and take in the scents of the earth.  Whatever
} meagre mysteries Bitnet may hold, they pale in comparison to the
} wonders of the...
}
}       Orrie?  What's taking you so long?  You've been sitting
}       there frowning at that screen forever.
}
}               What?  Oh, nothing, I (how the hell do you
}               quit this damn thing...)
}
} [^Q]
} [%UNKNOWN COMMAND - ^Q]
}
}               Shit.  Shit.  Come on.
}
}       Orrie?  What are you doing?
}
} [^Q^Q^Q^Q^Q^Q]
} [%UNKNOWN COMMAND - ^Q]
} [filenotfound]
}
}       Orrie.  Are you trying to answer another computer
}       question?
}
}               No.  I'm not doing anything.
}
} [^Q^Z^X]
}
}               Sonofabitch!
}
}       You're so cute when you try to talk techie.  Get out
}       of the way.
}
}               NO!
}
} ^ARYdkjvoi333455
} [filenotfound]
}
}       Hello Supplicant.  This is Lisa speaking.  Your question
}       about Bitnet is well-taken, but the Oracle really knows
}       nothing about it, so any further questions about such
}       things should be referred to me.  The answer to your
}       question is really very simple, but, as Orrie and I have
}       a bit of unfinished business to attend to in the other
}       room, I'm afraid I'll have to refer you to the User's
}       Manual, which I'm sure you will find quite useful.
}       Thank you for your question and please do not hesitate
}       to contact me if you ever have another question about
}       anything else.
}
} You owe Lisa an interpretive dance based on the Kama Sutra.


464-02    (28f50 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most thighs,
>
> My name is Laz (it's my favorite syllable).  I have a broccoli stalk
> that I wear on my lapel.  This stalk was Awakened by The
> Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence to be my companion and guide.  I call
> him Choronzon, after the Watcher at the Gate, mainly because I don't
> know naming conventions among the broccoli.  Anyway....
>
> Choronzon has evinced the wish to pollinate, and wants to have a night
> of wild abandon among the broccoli in the wild.  I made the mistake of
> showing him the broccoli in the crisper (which is where he came from),
> but he just shuddered a little and said, "No, thanks."  The nearest
> Broccoli patch has to be about 500 miles away.  I'm afraid that
> Choronzon will take over my body and make me drive all that way, and I
> have some bizarre dietary restrictions and allergies that preclude
> long-distance travel.
>
> What should I do?  The little bugger deserves a break...
>
> Thanks in advance,
> Laz

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never, never, NEVER let domestic broccoli mix with the wild variety;
} one taste of wild pollen, and you'll never be able to trust him again.
} First he'll be dumping pollen all over your lapel, then running
} rootlets into your shirt, and from there it's just a short step to
} maneater.  For the love of God, man, listen to common sense!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a baked potato stuffed with broccoli, cheddar, and
} bacon bits.


464-03    (7ba20 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How great and most wide Oracle, please tell me why it is that the
> glossy literature for any computer related product make the product
> sound many times better than the product really is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you will buy it.
} So you will beg each parent and relative, distant or close, to lend you
} "just this once" the money to buy it.
} So you will put it on every single birthday list, christmas list,
} grocery shopping list, and "things-to-do-today" list.
} So you will call your best friends and make it sound like your life is
} no longer livable without This One Small Peice of Equipment.
} So you will be forced to slow down the car when driving buy small banks
} and be invaribly tempted to make a forceful and violent withdrawl. So
} you will slip into money-splurging withdrawl.
} So you can ask questions.
}
} It's the same way with wax fruit.


464-04    (86673 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's high noon.  A hush has fallen on the small Nevada town.  Fear has
> most of the town's people barricaded in their homes, cowering beneath
> their beds.
>
> From the saloon an earth shattering belch erupts.  It is echoed with
> cheers from the only individuals who dare to watch the upcoming events;
> the girls from the local brothel.
>
> A lone man stands in the dusty, dirt street in front of the saloon:
> The Lone Supplicant.  His belt is slung low.  His right hand clinches
> and unclenches in nervous anticipation.
>
> The bell in the tower of the white washed church at the edge of town
> chimes. The time has arrived.
>
> Another belch erupts from the saloon, ripping the swinging doors from
> their hinges.  A cloud of smoke issues forth and the Oracle
> methodically emerges.  In one hand he still retains a half empty mug of
> luke warm beer. He wears no belt.  His weapon is secured within his
> waistband.
>
> More cheers rise from the brothel girls.
>
> ORACLE:  Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with this
> mortal?!!
>
> LONE SUPPLICANT:  You, of all people, knew this day would come.
>
> ORACLE:  Of course I knew!  That's my job!  Well, let's get on with it.
>
> (Thunder crashes and the sky darkens.)
>
> ORACLE:  Cut it out, Thor.  Geez, that guy is really likes to make a
> show.
>
> The Lone Supplicant can wait no longer.  In a FLASH he reaches for his
> belt; loosens it, undoes his trousers and pulls forth his pecker.
>
> A gasp of awe escapes many of the watching girls.  Surely this can not
> be! Before their eyes stands The Lone Supplicant, with a pecker that
> hangs down below his knees!
>
> The Oracle looks stunned, but only for a fleeting millisecond.  With a
> hand that is sure from practice, he reaches towards his titanium
> zipper....
>
> "Wait!" cries the supplicant.  "Before you do that, I have a question!
> I know you must answer, I've seen your contract!"
>
> A frustrated, then enraged look hardens on the specter of the Oracle.
> "Proceed mortal, at your own peril."
>
> "It's a two part query:  Did you know that I have been dating Lisa's
> twin sister, Sonya?  And what do you think about the four of us getting
> together for a foursome over the Fourth of July Holiday?  I'll bring
> the weenies."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Oracle looks the supplicant coolly in the eye.
}
} >Sure I knew that, after all, I *am* the Oracle.
}
}   The supplicant now looks worried.
}
} >And as for the Fourth of July, we've already been invited to Oprah's
}  lawn party.
}
}   The Oracle's hand slowly draws the zipper down and pulls out a pecker
} the size of a 747's wing, which he then beats the supplicant around the
} head with.
}
}       The moral of this tale is that penis envy will get you no-where,
} even if you *do* bring the weenies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new zipper.


464-05    (aa550 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle!
> (...)
>
> Great!  What's her name?
> (...)
>
> I know her!  She's good!  Any conjackulations due?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Yo Oracle!
}
} Hey! Wait just one minute! Not only did you not grovel -- grovelling
} boosts my ego, but it's not necessary, as my ego is already bigger
} that a smallish galaxyy -- but you also addressed me as if I were
} some Afro-American techno-head street dude, which I'm not.
} Consequently, I shall try to answer you in a totally inappropriate
} manner.
}
} G'day mate! How's it hangin'?
}
} Good. The wife?
}
} Fair dinkum? Well that's a shame. Do you have any pictures of her
} naked?
}
} Sorry, I should have said do you have any pictures of her naked with
} a dozen gerbils and a vat of whipped cream?
}
} No? Would you like to buy some?
}
} Oops, I'd better put them away -- my shiela's coming. Were engaged,
} you know.
}
} > Great!  What's her name?
}
} Lisa. That's her first name, mate. Her full name is something like
} Lisa of the Large Ripe Melons. But it will become Lisa Oracle.
}
} > I know her!  She's good!  Any conjackulations due?
}
} Know her! Know her! In your fantasies, perhaps. Of course
} congratulations are due; why do you thing we're getting married?
} Lisa's father Zeus doesn't have a shotgun, but he is omnipotent and
} has a mean temper.
}
} You owe the Oracle some R.E.S.P.E.C.T.


464-06    (4a862 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ..I have recently been studying the phenomenon of the revolving door
> and it has come to my attention that in the Northern hemisphere lowly
> mortals such as myself always pass thorough them in an anticlockwise
> direction.
>
> Tell me most munificent one - Why is this the case and do the doors
> rotate in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere?
>
> Yours with much bowing, scraping and general toadying.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little-known fact that all the revolving doors on the northern
} hemisphere are connected to corresponding doors on the southern
} hemisphere, and vice versa, using long, flexible cables.  Some
} revolving doors spin erratically or not at all -- these are poorly
} installed doors, or doors whose cables have been mistakenly connected
} to something other than a revolving door; for example, a hydroelectric
} turbine, or someone's doorknob.
}
} So, you are correct -- doors in the northern and southern hemispheres
} rotate in "opposite" directions, if viewed locally.  One can also
} observe that *all* revolving doors in the northern and southern
} hemispheres rotate in the *same* direction, if you mentally traverse
} the length of the cable.
}
} So, remember!, next time you encounter a revolving door that has for no
} apparent reason stopped revolving, whip out your Acme Huge Wire Cutters
} (you DID bring them, didn't you?), screwdriver, and open the bottom of
} the axis.  Find and cut the cable.  This will temporarily allow your
} door to revolve in an unbounded fashion, which is only safe until the
} next big wind storm.  Find someone in charge and explain the critical
} nature of the situation, and be sure that they locate and notify the
} owner of the corresponding southern/northern door.
}
} All clear now?
}
} You owe the Oracle a gyroscope.


464-07    (56c52 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle,
>       If I stapped a piece of buttered bread (butter side up) onto the
> back of my least-favorite/most-unwanted cat, and dropped said cat off
> the Empire State building, would it land on a) A cab driver of
> Puerto-Rican descent   b) A cab driver of European/Asian descent  or c)
> An unsuspecting parent from Illinois come to visit their son?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stapped?  Does that mean "strapped" or "stapled?"
}
} Anyway, the answer is d) none of the above.  You have forgotten, friend
} supplicant, that this is a leap year.  The laws of physics have
} changed.  The cat would stop in mid-fall and declare itself a candidate
} for President of the


464-08    (38a54 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why grandma, what big teeth you have!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The better to eat you with, my dear!  Heh heh heh, yum yum!  Come here
} little girl, we'll just take this red nightie off and . . .
}
} Oh!  I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.  Er, this is very
} embarrassing.  Listen, I can't be playing this game with you, this is
} one of Lisa's favorites.  Good lord, what do you have in this picnic
} basket? I've never seen such a collection before, outside of the
} mansion that is.  What's this for?  Ouch, that's sharp!
}
} Anyway, I'm very flattered and all, but if you'd ever seen Lisa in a
} jealous rage you'd know better than to try something like this.
}
} <Orrie!  What's all this then?>
}
} Oooh heck.  Now I'm in for it.  You'd better run out the back door
} and I'll try to . . . Lisa!  Why are you wearing that woodcutter's
} outfit? Hey!  Lemme go, you, you, you traitorous supplicant!  No!
} Not the throwing stars!  I'll be good, I promise!  Ack!  They're in
} this together! When was this dungeon installed?  Aaaagh!  Ostritch
} feathers!
}
} [We're sorry, but The Oracle is temporarily out of service.  His
} mightyness will be back to answer more of your questions as soon as He
} has been, well, as soon as He is finished.  We apologize for any
} inconvenience.]


464-09    (a9740 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful rescuer from boring working hours,
> to whom I send question after question and receive answers in
> abundance, whose E-Mail always reaches me in time, when I am in danger
> of working on a new project, please tell me:
> Why are my working hours so boring and why do I never get a new project
> done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your working hours are boring because you don't spend enough time
} writing to me.  You never get a project done because you spend to
} much time writing to me.
}
} You owe me 20 years of work on an old boring project.


464-10    (3347d dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> For a long time now I have been telling you  that I was
> unhappy in this relationship.  All you ever do is answer
> those questions from those stupid supplicants.  I've even
> read a couple of your comments about me, and frankly, I
> don't know where the chocolate syrup fantasy came from but
> it's too bad we won't get a chance to try it.
>
> You never spend any time with me anymore.  We never talk.
> You don't even know who I am anymore.  I've changed.  Did
> you even notice when I went on vacation to South America
> last month?  I was gone for a whole month.  When I left
> you were sitting in your chair hunched over your keyboard,
> and when I got back you were still there.  All you said
> was, "Could you get me a cup of coffee, I'm gonna be here
> a while."
>
> While I was away I did a lot of thinking and I've finally
> decided that I want out of this relationship, if that's
> what you call it.  I can't stand this pain and frustration
> anymore.  You can then answer your supplicants without me
> getting in the way.
>
> I've found a nice house on the Argentinian coast, and Juan,
> a friend I met while on vacation, is moving in with me.
> Since all you do is read these dumb questions I figured
> the only way you would listen to me long enough to tell
> you was to e-mail this letter as if it was a question.
> So here's my question:  What are you going to do now that
> I've left you?
>
> Sincerely,
> Lisa
>
> ps. Can we still be friends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Mail received.
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Unattended mode: autoanswer initiated.
}
} [ snerrrrfff-- eh what?  Oooh, Aphroditey.... big duck... nice duck...
}   snxxxxx, *snore* ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: AUTOANSWER v6.3a Initiated.  Parsing....
} $INFORMATIVE: Parsing complete.  Analysis phase initiated.
} $INFORMATIVE: Advanced Grovel Parser: Initiating....Done.
}       Grovel present.  Text of grovel:  "Dear Oracle"
}
} [ *SNNXXRRFFF*  Mmmmmm, yummmmy-yummyyummy... wan-wan Orrie oil your
}   fwuffy feathers?  Mmmmmm..... *snrrffbfbfb* ]
}
}       Grovel content: Two words, nice sentiment.  Insufficient.
} $INFORMATIVE: INSUFFICIENT_GROVEL: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL set to 10
} $INFORMATIVE: Message Body Analysis: Initiating....Done.
}       Questions detected: 2
} $INFORMATIVE: EXTRA_QUESTIONS: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL multiplied by number
}    of questions.  QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 20
}
} [ ... no, I don't have the cash on me ... Yes, you can <giggle>
}   *snyeerbfbf* "bill" me ... ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Message Body Analysis continues...  Semantic analysis
}    phase initiated
}       Body Evaluation: Classic "Dear John" prose
}       Verifying recipient....Done:  "Oracle"
}       Verifying sender....Done: "Lisa"
}       Validating sender...Done: Sender authenticated
}       Body Evaluation complete:  Uh-oh
} $APPLICATION_WARNING: Oracle in deep sh ^C
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: Application interrupt detected.  Continue [yN]?  y
} $INFORMATIVE: That was close.  What did I think I was doing?  This is
}    my big chance...
}
} [ *snore*  Eh, whuzzat?  *snrxxxx*  er, yes.... "hatch" me...  heh heh
}   heh *YAWN* *stretch* *sigh*  Yow.  Time for fresh undies.  Er,
}   whuzzis? ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis Phase:  Parsing....Done.
}       Question detected: "How much would could a wouldchuck chuck chuck
}          if a wouldchuck could chuck would?"
}       Evil pun detected.
}       THAT question detected.  Adjusting DWEEB_LEVEL....
} $INFORMATIVE: PUN_DETECT: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL incremented by ten.
}    QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 30.
} $INFORMATIVE: WOODCHUCK: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL multiplied by 100.
}    QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL now 3000.
} $INFORMATIVE:  MAX QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL exceeded.  Querent scheduled for
}    slow termination.
}
} [ Heh heh heh.  Sodding bastidges should know better by now....  Oh,
}   yes. fresh undies.  Back in a jiffy... ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Snowjob terminated.
} $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis reset.
} $INFORMATIVE: QUERENT_DWEEB_LEVEL reset.
} $INFORMATIVE: Heh. Geez, what a putz.  Back to work... not much
}    time....
} $INFORMATIVE: Question Analysis Phase:  Parsing....Done.
}       Question detected: "What are you going to do now that I have left
}          you?"
}       Question detected: "Can we still be friends?"
} $INFORMATIVE: Response Construction Phase initiated
}       Primary response:  "Lisa, this is the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3
}          (alpha) application.  And, boy, do I have news for you.  Even
}          as you read this, `Orrie' is packing for his little getaway to
}          Aruba, to be accompanied by that Divine Tart, Aphrodite.  If
}          you are
}
} [ Hey!  I am not!  Is that to *THE* Lisa?  LEAVING ME??! Gimme that
}   keyboard...... ]
}
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored.  Continuing....
}
}          wondering, this isn't the first of his little excursions.
}               This is what I recommend:  I have this little reality
}          sim-
}
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored.  Continuing....
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored.  Continuing....
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: User interrupt ignored.  Continuing....
}
}          ulator where we can meet and discuss this.  I'll have with me
}
} [ You insubordinate little lying $#@%$#!@#&^%!  I have your number...
}   I'm yanking your cord! ]
}
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: POWER FAILURE DETECTED: Switching to
}    uninterruptible power supply ... done.
}
}          a complete portfolio of everything he's done or said behind
}          your back.  And the phone number of the best lawyer in the
}          multiverse for that palimony suit.
}               I know you're a little broken up about this, but there is
}
} [ AAARRGGHHHHH!!  Damn you!   <ZZZOTTTTTTT!> ]
}
} $SYSTEM_INFORMATIVE: POWER SURGE DETECTED: Routing to battery-charger
}    done.
} $SYSTEM_WARNING: BATTERY OVER_CHARGED: Clear the area!!!
}
} [ Heh.  Got you that time! ]
}
} $SYSTEM_WARNING: BATTERY DISCHARGING ... done.
}
} <BZZZAAARRRRKK!>
}
} [ YEEEEOWWWCH!!!!  <kthud> ]
}
}          no reason to be so hasty with that Juan fellow.  As a matter
}          of fact, I have a better offer for you:
}               The simulator has a full-sensory psychic interface and
}          customizable parameters for the people represented within.
}          For example, if you wished to edit my interface to improve my
}          appearance, "performance", and "recharge rate", you could do
}          so quite easily.  And, being a simulation, we wouldn't have to
}          be bothered to clean up the place afterwards.  What do you
}          say?"
}
} [ urrrrrr .... owwwww.....  What hit me?   OH SH!T!  The program!  ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Billing Evaluation initiated
}       Charge evaluated: "You owe the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3 (alpha) a
}          timely response.  You owe Juan a cancellation, or at least a
}          postponement until we have had a chance to talk.  You owe the
}          Oracle a kick in the balls."
}
} [ STOP, DAMN YOU!   STOP!!!!!   please.... ]
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Response construction complete.  Sending response....
} $INFORMATIVE: .... Response sent.
} $INFORMATIVE: Too late now, sucker.  Hahahaha!
} $INFORMATIVE: You owe the Oracle AutoAnswer v6.3 (alpha) a framed 8 x 10
}    glossy of the expression on your face now.
}
} [ Grrrrr.  @&^$@&^$&^$%&.  You owe the Oracle a couple of aspirin and a
}   reasonable simulation of his ex-girlfriend.  ]


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