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Internet Oracularities #466

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Usenet Oracularities #466    (26 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 7 Jul 92 08:00:29 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   466
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

466   26 votes 78452 37961 58a30 58760 18863 25595 46880 16775 49b20 59453
466   2.8 mean  2.5   2.8   2.4   2.5   3.1   3.4   2.8   3.3   2.4   2.7


466-01    (78452 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Lisa!  Over here!
>
> "Come on Lisa, don't make me wait,
> You Olympus girls start much too late
> And sooner or later it comes down to fate,
> I might as well be the one,
> 'Cause only the Oracle dies young."
>
>                     Signed,
>                     Billy Joel, Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I went down to the Usenet mailstop,
} 'Cause my newsfeed was feelin' ill,
} I was standing in line with Mr. Joel,
} Who was puttin' the moves on my girl.
}
} You can't always get what you want,
} You can't always get what you want,
} But if you touch my gal,
} It's curtains, pal,
} You'll get fricasseed.
}
} K A - * Z O T *   (*crackle*)
}
} You owe The Oracle a Rosary.  On second thought, make it a Novena.


466-02    (37961 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, you almighty one...
>
>         Can you please tell your humble supplicant where I can
>         find the "Losers quide to the life, 2nd Edition". I have
>         tried all local libraries and nobody seems to even have
>         heard of such. Well, neither have I... But I'd surely
>         like to find it. Thanks in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regrets to inform you that `The Loser's Guide to Life' is
} out of print, and has been ever since the publisher (Loose Concepts
} Inc, of New Texas, Mars) lost both the .dvi file and their copy of
} LaTeX to an unexpected disc crash three years ago.  If you have a copy
} of LaTeX, please send it to l.hooser@lossage.com.mars.
}
} However they have been able to piece together a few entries.  You may
} find the following items of interest:
}
} tea: This is not a losers drink.  Losers drink diluted Marmite.
}      Sometimes they spill it over their keyboards.
}
}      Only winners drink tea.  Real winners drink Earl Gray hot.
}
} art: You can always tell a loser by the art they put on their walls.
}
}                      Losers:                 Winners:
}      Kids:           ABBA posters.           Exploded diagrams of
}                                              Concorde.
}      Students:       ABBA posters.           Escher prints.
}      Singles:        Nothing.                Escher prints.
}      Married:        Losers are never        Original oils by local
}                      married long enough.    artists.
}      Divorced:       New Kids On The Block   Nothing (Winners never
}                      posters (to impress     get divorced.
}                      their new S.O.).
}
} hobbies: Losers have lots of hobbies, but they all have one aim: to
}        meet the opposite sex.  Men who take woodwork or car
}        maintenance classes are beseiged by loosing women.  Similarly
}        a woman unwise enough to set foot in the local fitness club
}        will spend all her time fending off tacky pick-up lines.
}
}        Winners go hang-gliding or rock climbing, or some other sport
}        with enough danger to filter out all the losers that infest
}        everyday life.
}
} exams: Losers hate exams because they always come last.  Winners love
}        them because they always come first.
}
}        Losers never cheat, because they know they are bound to get
}        caught and coming bottom is better than being expelled.
}
}        Winners never cheat.  They could if they wanted to, but passing
}        honestly is less work and more fun.
}
}        Its the kids in the middle who cheat.
}
} success: You don't have to be a winner to succeed, but it helps.
}        Despite this, there are some losers who have made it big.
}        Three of them are Robert Maxwell, Sir Clive Sinclair and R.
}        Buckminster-Fuller.


466-03    (58a30 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose brain as near as I can tell must be bigger than
> anything, even the Goodyear blimp, who says really really clever things
> the likes of which most of the folks around here couldn't make up if we
> tried with both hands, who could lick his weight in dobermans if'n you
> was to get riled enough, I have a question.
>
> Is it just me, or do other people find smileys (e.g. :-)
> somewhat condescending and rather irritating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You bet I can lick my weight in Dobies!  And if my date is really cute,
} I can lick my weight...uh, maybe later.
}
} It's just you.  Most people find ASCII faces (including smileys) to be
} cute and creative.  Which is not to say that they are, mind you.  Some
} of them will, in fact, reveal hidden Satanic codes when read backwards.
}
} They are also flame-retardant, i.e., the presence of a :) at the end of
} a BBS post says to the reader:  LISTEN, YOU HUMOR-IMPAIRED INBRED
} LOSER, THIS WAS ONLY A JOKE, I'M NOT SERIOUS, QUIT PLAYING WITH
} YOURSELF AND LIGHTEN UP, BONEHEAD.
}
} You owe the Oracle and ASCII centerfold.


466-04    (58760 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most hygienic Oracle!
> What does that lint between my toes consist of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       One of the standard demonstrations about large number is that
} given this many atoms of oxygen in our lungs at any given time, this
} estimate of the number of atoms in the atmosphere, etc... the chances
} are about 50-50 that at any given moment, we will have in our lungs an
} atom exhaled by Julius Caesar in his dying breath ("Et tu, Brute?"
} <dies>).
}       Often omitted in such discussions is more prosaic but
} statistically more interesting substances than oxygen.  For instance,
} outer surface of the Pyramid of Giza is entirely responsible for all the
} dust that accumulates in the air filter for the little fan in the back
} of your computer.  Likewise, ear wax is composed of the oil that was
} poured into the river when the Romans sacked Carthage, mixed with the
} ashes created when the Great Fire of London occured.
}       So, the lint between your toes is 9/10 the dust from the burning
} of the Great Library of Alexandria, and 1/10 the brain of Dan Quayle (it
} was really quite large and useful until the aliens stole it at the age
} of 2.  But the government shot the flying saucer down and the brain was
} atomized in the crash.  Poor Dan).
}
}       You owe the Oracle the rest of the Catalog to the Great Library
} of Alexandria.


466-05    (18863 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, I've got some really interesting pictures of Lisa
> gamboling friskily with a herd of leather-clad satyrs, taken
> last Friday night when she was supposed to be at Arachne's
> knitting party.  If you can somehow manage to get me Ross
> Perot's credit card number, I may be persuaded to conveniently
> "lose" the photos *and* the negatives before my appointment
> with reporters from the Acropolis Advocate.  Meet me behind the
> bath house at midnight.  No questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, my, how CLEVER for one so young.  And so ENTERPRISING.  You seem
} like a smart mortal, and I'll bet you're quite perceptive, too.
}
} (Crowds of priests and acolytes, who recognize The Oracle's sweet,
} indulgent tone of voice as one of the primary danger signals, scurry
} for whatever cover can be found.  Besides, there was that disturbing
} stress on the word "mortal.")
}
} QUITE perceptive, I'm sure.  Look over there.  See that building?
} Yes, that's the one, the main offices of the _Advocate_.  Notice
} that strange glow coming from the editor's office?  Observe how it
} seems to spread, filling more of the building, glowing brighter,
} until finally....
}
} *** BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM ***
}
} (A loud, rolling explosion rattles windows all the way from Athens
} to Thessaloniki.  When the cloud clears, no trace of the building
} remains.  There is a puddle at the supplicant's feet.)
}
} Oh dear, looks like you had a little accident.  Well, I hope you
} enjoyed that display?  I trust it will prove ... INSTRUCTIVE.
}
} "No questions," you said, and in fact you didn't ask any, but I'll
} give you a few answers anyway.
}
} One: I know about Arachne's little party.  Look closely at the third
} satyr from the left in the picture you're holding in your trembling
} little paw.  Look familiar?  Look again.  Heh, heh.  Our little
} joke, you understand.
}
} Two: Ross Perot doesn't use or need a credit card.  If he wants a
} thing from a company, he buys it.  Not the thing, the company.  For
} instance, right now he wants a thing called "the Presidency."  Once
} every four years, this thing is for sale by a company called "We,
} the people."  Contenders bid not only money (and lots of it,
} brother!), but mostly promises and whatever soothing palaver the
} shareholders of "We, the people" want to hear.  Mr. Perot
} understands this, and talks as good a game as any candidate.  He
} does not seem to understand the name of the company, but then,
} neither do most of the shareholders.
}
} Three: Never, EVER try to pull a fast one on an omniscient being.
} Now begone!
}
} You owe The Oracle your miserable life.  And a set of 8x10 glossies.


466-06    (25595 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, master of all knowledge both common and arcane,
> walker of all the roads that a man must go down, please honour
> this unworthy supplicant with the answer to this burning question:
>
>       Last night I had this terrible dream.  I was in the middle of
> this big crowd in this really wacky countryside scene.  Then this
> incredible LOUD voice boomed out,
>
>               WHERE IS WALDO?
>
>       So I ask my question (well, three questions actually):
>
>       * Just what is the significance of this dang dream?
>
>       * So where IS Waldo?
>
>       * Who the _heck_ is Waldo anyway?
>
>       1048576 thanks, mighty one.  Cheerio.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah Waldo.  Up to his old tricks again, I see.
}
} His true name is Ensconso.  Yes, the greek god of hiding.  For a
} millenia he has traveled the globe, picking up things and hiding them.
} Being as you are, a mortal, I feel certain that you have on several
} occasions been unable to locate something that only a moment ago was
} *right* *here*.  That's Waldo, at it again.
}
} Especially with socks.
}
} Recently he was experimenting with ways to hide himself, and more
} recently still he is working on techniques to hide publishing income
} from the IRS.
}
} Where is Waldo?  Unfortunately this is answer is constantly changing.
} At the time you posed your question, he was ordering something called
} a "Derailer" at a pub in downtown Spokane.  Just now he is in a
} lawyer's office preparing some sort of poisoning suit.  He's kind of a
} ramblin guy.
}
} Ah, and the significance of the dream.  Most likely it means that Waldo
} visited you recently and hid something of yours.  Perhaps a pen, book,
} or a Chevrolet?  Look in the hamper.
}
} Or, it could just be an indication of latent homosexuality.
}
} You owe the Oracle . . . now where did I put that list?  Damn, I hate
} it when this happens.  I'll have to get back to you.


466-07    (46880 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Usenet Oracle
>
>    This is a chain e-mail message. If you do not send copies of this to
> ten of your friends you will be cursed with seven years bad luck.
>
>                       Yours sincerely
>
>                       Heinz Bloggshardt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Victim
}
} This is a chain e-mail threat.  If you do not send copies of this
} message to ten of your soon-to-be enemies, you will be reduced
} to a pile of smoldering ash over a period of 48 hours while writhing
} in extreme agony (bad luck, that).
}
}                       Cordially
}
}                       High Executioner to the Usenet Oracle


466-08    (16775 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh big, big Oracle,
> who cares even for the tiniest particles in the universe!
>
> I am a proton. And you see, there is nothing I hate more than being
> smashed against other protons in one of these big nasty particle
> accelerators!
> Now, can you tell me what I can do about that? I have been drafted
> for the SSC. And I fear that if they are not building it, they will
> collide us elsewhere.
> On the other hand, I fear I might lose my job - I have to care for
> a neutron and we have a lovely little electron together!
> What if my fellow protons of which the accelerator is built, went on
> strike?
>                   +
> Yours sincerely, p

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No!  No!  No!  Solidarity is the answer!  Find 237 of your friends,
} and go nuclear!  When their chromosomes start to fall apart, they'll
} treat you with the respect you deserve.
}
} "There is power in a union..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with your neutron.


466-09    (49b20 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, of pleasing proportions and interesting texture, to
> whom I am no more than one of those little invisible bugs that chews on
> your nostril hairs ('your' being used here in the general sense, not
> meaning to apply to the Great Oracle, who is above any bodily
> parasites, benign or otherwise), I am in dire need of an answer.
>
> Is that thing hovering behind me a really a shoggoth? I haven't turned
> around yet to look (in case it is) but it sort of looms over me in that
> shoggoth-y way and it has a smell like semi-decomposed radioactive
> slime.  I've tried asking people around the office but when they see it
> they scream and run away, or just fall down. It doesn't seem to be
> upset if I type, so I thought I'd ask you.
>
> So, um, is it really a shoggoth, or is someone playing a practical joke
> on me? What does a shoggoth want with me? Is thewre any way for someone
> in my situation to deal with it appropriately (by which I mean,
> preserving my life and sanity)?
>
> Thank you for listening, O great and Noble Oracle, and please hurry
> because I have to take a major leak...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle reminds you of the ancient aphorism:
}
}   ``If it looms like a shoggoth, smells like a shoggoth and scares
}     people like a shoggoth, then it's probably a shoggoth.''
}
} since taken over and corrupted to the more common and slightly less
} accurate version concerning waterfowl that you probably recognise.
}
} The appropriate response is to wield your +4 Sword Of Stabbing and
} have at it.  After all, have you ever known anyone to do anything
} different when confronted with a B.E.M.?  But beware, a shoggoth is a
} 6 HD monster.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shoggoth-skin rug.


466-10    (59453 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear! That diarrhoea again!
> Can I use a SHIT LOCK key against that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should think you'd find that rather uncomfortable.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cork.


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