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Internet Oracularities #467

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467, 467-01, 467-02, 467-03, 467-04, 467-05, 467-06, 467-07, 467-08, 467-09, 467-10


Usenet Oracularities #467    (23 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 07:33:10 -0500

@@@ Sorry about the delay from the last digest.  There have been network
@@@ troubles at my site and as usual, I'm the one who has to fix them.
@@@ I'll put out a few digests in quick succession, no more than one a
@@@ day.  --JRP

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   467
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

467   23 votes 19553 25862 a6520 04892 56660 7a411 e5211 54635 26762 13e50
467   2.7 mean  3.0   3.0   2.0   3.4   2.6   2.1   1.7   3.0   3.0   3.0


467-01    (19553 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Always The Last To Know <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much Food would a Foodchuck chuck if a Foodchuck would chuck Food?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BW:   "HELLOOOO Sports fans! And welcome to the 1992 Typo Olympics!
} I'm Biff Whitesides along with Billy Bob Brunnel, and we'll be
} bringing you in-depth coverage of the many events here today in
} Be-au-ti-ful Nome (wait, I thought we were going to Rome...)"
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. It should be a great one."
}
} BW:   "Now on to the action. For our first event, we look to the
} middle of the field. As you can see Michael Jordan is warming up.
} He's had some trouble with the sport lately. Seems his back can't take
} the stress."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Tree Throws are very difficult, especially
} when you're used to shooting free throws. Those trees aren't filled
} with air, like a basketball is."
}
} BW:   "Or our heads, right Billy Bob? Heh Heh... Oh, look there's
} Jordan's throw, and it's a weak attempt. That's too bad. Looks like we
} might find some more excitement over at the sump pits."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. The Sump Jump compitetition over here is fast
} and furious. The long jumping world hasn't been the same since that
} misspelling on that zoning application which created this sport. The
} atheletes just seem to have more incentive to clear 'the pit'."
}
} BW:   "The smell over here is making me nauseous, let's go to
} something...cleaner."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here we have the Minute Race. The
} competitors have a minute to run the 100 meter distance. Any faster
} than that, and they are disqualified, and of course, no time-keeping
} devices are allowed."
}
} BW:   "It sure does take a unique sense of timing to win the Minute
} Race. However, the competitors' walking pace is probably boring our
} viewers. Let's go to something more...visually appealing."
}
} BBB:  "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here is a sport instituted as a result
} of an Oracle posting. It seems the sport had been going on in an
} unorganized fashion in cafeterias in schools all across the world, but
} before a certain supplicant asked a question, food chucking was not
} given the credit it deserved."
}
} BW:   "That's right, Billy Bob. And I just hope the disgusting
} nature of this event, with slop everywhere, has taught the supplicant
} to be careful about proofreading his posts."
}
} BBB:  "We can only hope. Otherwise we might end up with the Oracle
} making love to a Visa, or having a lisp."
}
} BW:   "Ye-sir-ee, Billy Bob. That we could. And on that note, we'll
} sign off, saying, so long!"
}
} You own the Oracle.


467-02    (25862 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Mighty Oracle, your humble supplicant posed thee
> a question, which thou pondered deeply:
>
> > why are there always crumbs in my bed, even though I always
> > eat in another room?
>
> And in response, in thy great wisdom, thou hast replied:
>
> } Your bed, however, eats in the bedroom.
> } It forgets to wipe itself off after a good meal.
>
> My question then, oh great and mighty one is this:
>
> Whence cometh the food which my bed eateth? For surely I
> feedeth it not.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Oracle, don't give a cockeyed tinker's damn about your bed's
} happiness, so I'm going to clue you in. You know your friend Mary Sue?
} and Jim? and Sally? Haven't thought about any of them for a while,
} have you? When did you last see them, anyway? I'll tell you: you saw
} them all at that party on May 3. Remember?
}
} Remember how you were joking around, feeling playful? Remember how you
} asked them all over to your house? Remember how happy you were when
} they accepted? Remember the panting excitement when you all ended up in
} the sack together? Remember the writhing, sweating bodies? Remember the
} moans of passion? Remember the sudden heaving? Remember a thousand
} razor-edged teeth? Remember the screams as flesh was rent from bone?
} Remember your zombielike progress from bedroom to kitchen, in search of
} rye bread and Dijon mustard for the pleasure of Your Master? Remember
} scrubbing floor, walls, ceiling, for tireless hours? THINK, MORTAL,
} THINK!
}
} Remember oversleeping on May 4, and finding crumbs in your bed, and
} wondering how they got there? There weren't any for almost a month
} after that, for It was well satisfied.
}
} It's not that you don't feed your bed. You just don't remember. It
} doesn't want you to.
}
} Don't go into your bedroom again without proper preparation... It has
} nothing to lose by destroying you now.
}
} PS: It's "I feed", "thou feedest", "he feedeth".


467-03    (a6520 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO IS GANDALF?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gandalf is a figure whose identity has remained shrouded in secrecy
} until now.  You are not alone in your need to know but few have had
} the courage to ask that most penetrating question which you have put
} to me.
}
} Gandalf is the sole companion of that most noble and heroic (almost
} legendary, shall we say?) adventurer Juan Valdez.  Yes, disguised as
} a humble donkey, this mighty steed Gandalf has accompanied Juan on
} dangerous missions from Columbia to almost every supermarket and
} corner store on the continent.  Not even the cocaine cartels could
} come between Gandalf and a 7/11.
}
} Guard this secret well.


467-04    (04892 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Suppliant,
}
} It seems that your recent question to the Oracle was accidentally
} misplaced. In order for us to recover it, we need the following
} information to be completed. We apologize for the inconvenience that
} this may cause.
}
} 1.    What was the question?
}
} ( )   How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could
}         chuck wood?
} ( )   What is the meaning of life?
} ( )   Is there life after death?
} ( )   Is it true that man was created in your image, only with a
}         much smaller willy?
} ( )   I am a computer science geek. Why can't I get a girlfriend?
} ( )   Can I borrow Lisa?
} ( )   Other (please specify)
} __________________________________________________
}
} 2.    What was your grovel?
}
} ( )   Oh great, almighty, all-knowing, etc. Oracle. (Not bad)
} ( )   O Oracle, please take all my worldly possessions ... (Even
}         better)
} ( )   Oracle, take my wife ... please! (Ick!)
} ( )   No grovel. (Think VERY carefully before you tick this option)
}
} 3.    Did you remember to remove your .signature?
}
} ( )   Yes.
} ( )   No, I am a complete dickhead.
}
} 4.    How did you send your question to the Oracle?
}
} ( )   E-mail from a Unix terminal.
} ( )   E-mail from a vax terminal.
} ( )   E-mail from a battery terminal.
} ( )   IBM-compatible PC.
} ( )   MacIntosh.
} ( )   Wellington.
} ( )   Raincoat.
} ( )   Carrier Pigeon.
} ( )   Message in a Bottle.
} ( )   Prayer.
} ( )   Written on a toilet cubicle wall.
}
} 5.    Were you expecting a serious answer?
}
} ( )   No.
} ( )   Yes. (Call the men in white coats; they're coming to take you
}         away!)
}
} 6.    Were you planning to pay the Oracle in goods or services?
}
} ( )   No. (You _do_ like to live dangerously, don't you?)
} ( )   All my worldy goods.
} ( )   Regular use of my body/girlfriend/boyfriend.
} ( )   My entire dried snot and scab collection. (Keep it)
}
} Thank you for completing this questionnaire. We trust that you will
} continue to use the Oracle even in the event that your original
} question is not recovered.


467-05    (56660 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the real names of the Three Stoogies, and who were they i.e. a
> short history of there life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Three "Stoogies," as you so quaintly call them, were not only
} the greatest comedians of the twentieth century, and the finest
} physical improvisateurs of all time, but they were also,
} unbeknownst to most of the movie-going public, women.  Yes,
} that's right, broads.  Chicks, dolls--you know--DAMES!
}
} The ringleader of the group was the irrepressible Moe Howard,
} known for his soup-bowl haircut and growling "Why you. . .!",
} usually followed by a quick cut to the chops.  Moe's real name
} was Letitia Livingston, an out-of-work actress who stumbled into
} the audition by mere accident.  When she realized that the part
} called for a man, she cut her hair, threw her voice, and the rest
} is history.  Several of her equally unemployed girlfriends were
} then hired to make up the rest of the troupe.
}
} Letitia's sister, Veronica, occasionally appeared as Shemp, but
} (as you well know), the Shemp disguise was never very successful,
} and it was obvious that he was a woman.
}
} Wiry-haired Larry Fine was in reality Margaret Drapesworth, a
} friend of Letitia's and a fine comedic actress.  She had to shave
} her head around the top for every performance, and (she notes in
} her biography "I Took Off My Rouge to Play The Stooge" ($19.95
} from Random House)), she never did get her voice down low enough,
} so she always sounded a little fey.  "Larry" used to get 1,500
} pieces of fan mail a week from Gay men wanting to know if he was
} interested!
}
} The biggest surprise of all, however, is that there was no Curly.
} Curly was actually a figment of the collective unconscious of
} millions of Stooge watchers, thereby giving Carl Jung the seeds
} of his famous thesis.
}
} So there you have it.  The Three Stooges was dames, Franklin
} Roosevelt was actually Eleanor Roosevelt on lifts and wearing a
} long-line girdle, and the RiBrothers were the Marx Brothers with
} a New York accent.


467-06    (7a411 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> A few days ago I visited the Petting Zoo.  Now I'm in jail.  What went
> wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To paraphrase Thos. Jefferson:
} "Bestiality will never tend to increase. The universal disdain for
} its practitioners should be discouragement enough. There is no need
} for criminal provisions against it."
}
} Evidently, you should have gone to a Petting Zoo in Virginia.


467-07    (e5211 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> A few days ago I visited the Petting Zoo.  Now I'm in jail.  What went
> wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To paraphrase Thos. Jefferson:
} "Bestiality will never tend to increase. The universal disdain for
} its practitioners should be discouragement enough. There is no need
} for criminal provisions against it."
}
} Evidently, you should have gone to a Petting Zoo in Virginia.


467-08    (54635 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Me Oracle,
>
> In a perfect world, what would be the ideal grovel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lowly creature,
}
} The Ideal Grovel should include two parts:
}       A) Reminders of how lowly the supplicant is
}       B) Reminders of how lowly the Oracle is not
} Quantity, Quality, and Creativity count here!
}
} For your edification, I have Included many of the "grovel"s I have
} have received in the last week, along with my ratings of both
} these two categories and overall, and some comments.
}
} > He He He, Riddle me this, Oracle:
} A:0 B:0 O:0. This guy thinks he's funny. He's wrong.
}
} >    O most awe-inducing Oracle, Who could cause the sun to go nova at
} > the slightest whim, answer me this:
} A:0 B:5 O:5. Creative, but no mention of how low s/he is for
} thinking that I would do such a thing! <ZOT>ing is much more
} effective overall, as it encourages others not to make the same
} mistake.
}
} > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose wrath is terrible and wisdom
} > profound, whose armpit I am unworthy to wash.  I, your most humble
} > and worshipful servant do beseech thee to bestow upon me an answer to
} > this undignified but perplexing question.
} A:9 B:7 O:9. A good one! This supplicant definitely knows hir
} place. However, it could use more mention of how wonderful I am.
}
} > (insert-grovel)
} >
} >       "The Oracle's great!  He's the talk of the town!  Life's always
} >       better when the Oracle's around!!  He's better than us!  He's a
} >       friend to the end!  The Oracle's always popular when he's got
} >       money to lend!!"
} A:3 B:5 O:5. Lisa hates cheerleaders.
}
} > Oh vast oracle so great!  Would you mind telling this mere mortal:
} A:7 B:2 O:5. Why do I tolerate these veiled insults about my
} waistline? The "mere mortal" bit is good, though.
}
} > Oh Great Oracle whose knolwedge of computer architecture is beyond
} > that of all of Microsoft, Cray, and Donald Knuth put together;  who
} > can commune with any machine and tell it exactly what to do, even in
} > COBOL if need be;  who could, in the blink of an eye, do the
} > programming assignment that was due last week which caused people to
} > pull three all-nighters....
} A:0 B:9 O:8. Pretty good, but the Supplicant needs to learn
} hir place.
}
} > Fornicating Oracle of facetious flaucinoccinihilipilification,
} 0.
}
} > Mighty and Mysterious Oracle (The M&M Oracle as we like to call you)!
} > Please answer this lowly supplicant and releive him of his ignorance.
} A:6 B:6 O:6. Points deleted for associating Me with inferior American
} chocolate.
}
} > To: ORACLE
} >
} > O Oracle, who has more toys than anyone, please tell me:
} A:0 B:1 O:1. The "To:ORACLE" line implies neither I nor my
} priests know where this message is going!
}
} > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the orange face of Roger
} > Moore in so many Bond films,
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Good mention of "knowledge", but Roger Moore was an
} inferior Bond, so points deleted for mentioning him.
}
} > Oracle,
} A:0 B:0 O:0. Let's put something there, guys.
}
} > So Mr. Oracle,
} A:0 B:0 O:0. A little more than that.
}
} > HI, Mr. Oracle Sir!!!!
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better.
}
} > Dear Oracle:
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better.
}
} > Dear Oracle Sir:
} A:0 B:2 O:2. Slightly better.
}
} > Oracle, you have seen the sun rise and set through countless years.
} > You have watched the birth and death of stars. I have heard it said
} > that you were present at the last Big Bang and probably several
} > Lesser Bangs. I suspect that when the heat death of the universe
} > comes upon us, you will be patiently waiting for the toast to pop.
} > If anyone has perspective on the passage of time and the significance
} > of our puny lives within the Great Cosmic Scheme of It All, I figure
} > it's you, no?
} A:8 B:9 O:9. Now that's good.
}
} > Oh Great Oracle whose sexual prowess and knowledge are so enormous
} > and widelknown that women like Lisa gladly become your consort, I
} > have a burning question that only one of your immense brilliance
} > (dazzling me like Loni Anderson's ... smile) can answer:
} A:0 B:9 C:6. Alas, there are no other women like Lisa, the
} Usenet Goddess of Sex and Bondage.
}
} > O zippy Oracle, O dippy Oracle, O flippy Oracle
} > who surely knows _all_ the words that end in "ippy"
} > and therefor could continue this simple grovel
} > for a long time, please tell me this:
} A:0 B:0 C:0. The Oracle "dippy"?? <ZOT>!!
}
} > Oh wondrous Oracle, whose beard extends for miles and houses all
} > kinds of amazing creatures, I asked you this question:
} A:0 B:5 O:3. Points off for implying My previous answer was inadequate.
}
} > Hey, Oracle dude!  How's about helping a fellow out?
} No.
}
} > As I stagger though the great mysteries of life, confounded,
} > dumbfounded and constantly beaten over the head with large rocks, I
} > wonder to myself whether I will find any satisfaction in my
} > sufferings.
} >  I have come to you oh Great and Mighty Oracle of untold wisdom.  I
} > beseech of you to grant me the answer to the great question that
} > eludes computer science majors everywhere. . .
} A:9 B:7 O:8. The best of the bunch. Note how the supplicant not
} only points out his own inferiority, but also that of his entire
} caste. Needs more work on the praises, however.
}
} > Dear Oracle:
} I already did this one.
}
} > O great and wondrous Oracle, I come humbly to you in the quest for
} > enlightenment.
} A:2 B:2 O:2. On the right track, but in bad need of work.
}
} > Dear Me Oracle,
} 0. <ZOT>.
}
} You owe the oracle a sampler of Swiss chocolate.


467-09    (26762 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All-knowing Oracle, whose power is such that you can observe quantum
> entities without collapsing their wave function, please answer the
> following unworthy query:
>
> Why do publishing companies publish novels, which are read only one or
> a few times, in hardcover form but publish computer books, references
> which are used constantly, in paperback?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So that they will fall apart at roughly the same time that
} the hardware or software they document becomes obsolete.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gift membership to the Big Computer
} Book Club.


467-10    (13e50 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you are the Oracle and know everything - why do I have to send
> you a question anyway? I mean, you certainly know that I was going
> to ask a question and you would also know which one. So why don't
> you send the answer straight away? This would certainly save a lot of
> network traffic!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine.  If you insist.  The following were your thoughts at the moment
} you asked this question:
}
} "Sex."
} "I know -- I'll send a question to the Usenet Oracle."
} "Food?  Nope, not hungry."
} "Brain?  This is your left foot.  I'm losing circulation.  Help me!
}  I'm melting!  Help me!"
} "I said, 'Sex'."
} "What is the true meaning of life?"
} "If I break wind here, everyone in the room will hate me."
} "What is this stupid Usenet Oracle anyway?"
} "Should I use 'its' or 'it's' here?"
} "SEX, dammit!  I'm horny!"
} "I hope my significant other doesn't find out about me, the milkman,
}  the three stewardesses and the trapeze."
} "SEX!  If you can't find a partner, get out the magazines and the
}  vibrator!  I can't hold back much longer!"
}
} Now, multiply this by four billion.  There ain't no way I want to hear
} all of that all the time.  I'd much rather wait for your questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of you, the milkman, the three
} stewardesses and the trapeze.  And this had better be good.


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