} Lowly creature,
} The Ideal Grovel should include two parts:
} A) Reminders of how lowly the supplicant is
} B) Reminders of how lowly the Oracle is not
} Quantity, Quality, and Creativity count here!
} For your edification, I have Included many of the "grovel"s I have
} have received in the last week, along with my ratings of both
} these two categories and overall, and some comments.
} > He He He, Riddle me this, Oracle:
} A:0 B:0 O:0. This guy thinks he's funny. He's wrong.
} > O most awe-inducing Oracle, Who could cause the sun to go nova at
} > the slightest whim, answer me this:
} A:0 B:5 O:5. Creative, but no mention of how low s/he is for
} thinking that I would do such a thing! <ZOT>ing is much more
} effective overall, as it encourages others not to make the same
} > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose wrath is terrible and wisdom
} > profound, whose armpit I am unworthy to wash. I, your most humble
} > and worshipful servant do beseech thee to bestow upon me an answer to
} > this undignified but perplexing question.
} A:9 B:7 O:9. A good one! This supplicant definitely knows hir
} place. However, it could use more mention of how wonderful I am.
} > (insert-grovel)
} > "The Oracle's great! He's the talk of the town! Life's always
} > better when the Oracle's around!! He's better than us! He's a
} > friend to the end! The Oracle's always popular when he's got
} > money to lend!!"
} A:3 B:5 O:5. Lisa hates cheerleaders.
} > Oh vast oracle so great! Would you mind telling this mere mortal:
} A:7 B:2 O:5. Why do I tolerate these veiled insults about my
} waistline? The "mere mortal" bit is good, though.
} > Oh Great Oracle whose knolwedge of computer architecture is beyond
} > that of all of Microsoft, Cray, and Donald Knuth put together; who
} > can commune with any machine and tell it exactly what to do, even in
} > COBOL if need be; who could, in the blink of an eye, do the
} > programming assignment that was due last week which caused people to
} > pull three all-nighters....
} A:0 B:9 O:8. Pretty good, but the Supplicant needs to learn
} hir place.
} > Fornicating Oracle of facetious flaucinoccinihilipilification,
} > Mighty and Mysterious Oracle (The M&M Oracle as we like to call you)!
} > Please answer this lowly supplicant and releive him of his ignorance.
} A:6 B:6 O:6. Points deleted for associating Me with inferior American
} > To: ORACLE
} > O Oracle, who has more toys than anyone, please tell me:
} A:0 B:1 O:1. The "To:ORACLE" line implies neither I nor my
} priests know where this message is going!
} > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the orange face of Roger
} > Moore in so many Bond films,
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Good mention of "knowledge", but Roger Moore was an
} inferior Bond, so points deleted for mentioning him.
} > Oracle,
} A:0 B:0 O:0. Let's put something there, guys.
} > So Mr. Oracle,
} A:0 B:0 O:0. A little more than that.
} > HI, Mr. Oracle Sir!!!!
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better.
} > Dear Oracle:
} A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better.
} > Dear Oracle Sir:
} A:0 B:2 O:2. Slightly better.
} > Oracle, you have seen the sun rise and set through countless years.
} > You have watched the birth and death of stars. I have heard it said
} > that you were present at the last Big Bang and probably several
} > Lesser Bangs. I suspect that when the heat death of the universe
} > comes upon us, you will be patiently waiting for the toast to pop.
} > If anyone has perspective on the passage of time and the significance
} > of our puny lives within the Great Cosmic Scheme of It All, I figure
} > it's you, no?
} A:8 B:9 O:9. Now that's good.
} > Oh Great Oracle whose sexual prowess and knowledge are so enormous
} > and widelknown that women like Lisa gladly become your consort, I
} > have a burning question that only one of your immense brilliance
} > (dazzling me like Loni Anderson's ... smile) can answer:
} A:0 B:9 C:6. Alas, there are no other women like Lisa, the
} Usenet Goddess of Sex and Bondage.
} > O zippy Oracle, O dippy Oracle, O flippy Oracle
} > who surely knows _all_ the words that end in "ippy"
} > and therefor could continue this simple grovel
} > for a long time, please tell me this:
} A:0 B:0 C:0. The Oracle "dippy"?? <ZOT>!!
} > Oh wondrous Oracle, whose beard extends for miles and houses all
} > kinds of amazing creatures, I asked you this question:
} A:0 B:5 O:3. Points off for implying My previous answer was inadequate.
} > Hey, Oracle dude! How's about helping a fellow out?
} > As I stagger though the great mysteries of life, confounded,
} > dumbfounded and constantly beaten over the head with large rocks, I
} > wonder to myself whether I will find any satisfaction in my
} > sufferings.
} > I have come to you oh Great and Mighty Oracle of untold wisdom. I
} > beseech of you to grant me the answer to the great question that
} > eludes computer science majors everywhere. . .
} A:9 B:7 O:8. The best of the bunch. Note how the supplicant not
} only points out his own inferiority, but also that of his entire
} caste. Needs more work on the praises, however.
} > Dear Oracle:
} I already did this one.
} > O great and wondrous Oracle, I come humbly to you in the quest for
} > enlightenment.
} A:2 B:2 O:2. On the right track, but in bad need of work.
} > Dear Me Oracle,
} 0. <ZOT>.
} You owe the oracle a sampler of Swiss chocolate.