468-03 (25540 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Always The Last To Know <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Dear T. UseNet Oracle:
> You have been SUMMONED to appear in a Court of Law, on August 19,
> 1992. This is a legal summons, valid in all cities, states, counties,
> countries, hemispheres, worlds and galaxies.
> The court may decide against you if you do not appear.
> Case Number IEEE.802.5
> Defendent: Lisa M. Oracle
> On or about 34 AD, the defendent alledges that the plaintiff,
> know known as T. UseNet Oracle, did, with full intent and knowledge,
> attempt to sexually harass and intimidate Lisa M. Chaste, whom
> the plaintiff later married.
> The defendent argues that, since the marriage was by virtue of
> threat and intimidation, it is not contractually binding. Therefore,
> Ms. Lisa M. Oracle hereby seeks disolution of the union, and assests
> amounting to 50% ("One Half") of the adjusted net income of T.
> Usenet Oracle between the periods of 34 AD and July 2nd, 1992.
> Please respond directly to this letter. A sworn statement, notorized
> by your legal counsel, will protect your rights.
> Also, we must warn you that our firm has obtained a temporary
> restraining order, barring you from <ZOT>ing any individual,
> either singularly or as a group, until this matter is resolved.
> Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat
> Attorneys at Law
} Messrs. Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat,
} Re: your communication numbered IEEE.802.5. We receive your missive
} with an air of bittersweet amusement. My client, one Mr. Usenet T.
} Oracle wishes to avoid any unpleasant legal wrangling with your
} client, his wife, one Lisa M. Oracle, and to accomplish this desired
} state of non-enmity, in a legal sense, is willing to produce documenta-
} tion proving conclusively conditions of fraud, malice, and entrapment
} on the part of your client, the aforementioned Mrs. Oracle, thus
} nullifying her previously filed complaint.
} In his defense, my client produces the enclosed items, the originals
} being retained by our firm to guard against any unfortunate "accident"
} which may occur while said items are in your possession. You will
} agree, we are sure, that our evidence, most particularly the Polaroids
} of your client in the form of a she-goat in a red leather teddy at the
} nuptuals in question, in concert with her signature on the wedding
} license, on which she refers to herself as, and I quote, "Nubian
} Num-Num," and the veritable bevy of depositions from eyewitnesses
} to a key incident approximately 12 hours before the actual wedding,
} in which your client initially encountered the estimable Mr. Oracle,
} "clopping" as one observer put it, over to him on all fours, eating
} the sole of his right sandle while making lewd "snuffling" sounds,
} then licking the sole of his foot until my client was obliged to
} accompany her to an anteroom in which activities commenced that it
} would be in your client's best interest to avoid disclosing. All
} this occured during peak hours of operation at the Bacchus' Bowl-
} o-Rama, and further depositions may be brought forth upon request.
} This incident has proved embarrassing in the extreme to my client,
} a diety whose past life has been unblemished by the ugly stain of
} scandal. However, he will not be caused further pain by a creature
} who tricked him into marriage by assuming an alluring shape, only
} revealing her true nature on their wedding night, thus causing
} sufficient stress to my client to send him into intensive group
} sexual therapy to overcome the resulting inhibitions. Nay, my
} client has suffered enough, and demands these futile threats
} cease and desist, on pain of future, public, disclosures about
} your client which will result in her spending the rest of her
} miserable life as one of Hades' gold-plated bidets. We trust
} this course of action will not be necessary and that your client
} will withdraw her claim.
} Gouge, Screwe, Gypp, and Reame
} Attorneys At Law