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Internet Oracularities #468

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Usenet Oracularities #468    (16 votes, 2.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Thu, 16 Jul 92 09:19:55 -0500

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468   16 votes 55420 05731 25540 19321 a1410 38230 54430 04714 2a220 66220
468   2.4 mean  2.2   3.0   2.7   2.6   1.8   2.3   2.3   3.3   2.2   2.0


468-01    (55420 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O erudite Oracle who knows the whereabouts of Elvis, or at least
> the weight of his sideburns, how can I get front-row Springsteen
> tickets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O ticketless supplicant,
}       You have several options.  The most obvious one is to call
} Ticketmaster or a similar agency and ask for a front-row ticket.  After
} they have relieved you of you life savings, you will be the proud owner
} of a fronrow ticket.
}       The next, almost-as-obvious option is to arrive at the concert
} several hours early and visit one of the people colloquially known as
} "scalpers". After they have relieved you of your life savings and the
} flesh atop your skull, you will be the proud owner of a front-row
} ticket.
}       The last, least-obvious option is to purchase a nosebleed seat,
} and arrive at the concert in a uniform similar to an usher.  Go to the
} front row and find someone sitting in a seat.  Inform said person that
} they have a private phone call at the main gate, and you were sent to
} find them by their seat location (as you don't know their name).  While
} escorting the unsuspecting person towards the main gate, relieve them
} of their consciousness and their ticket stub, and you will be the proud
} owner of a front-row ticket.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis' next concert, and bootlegs
} from the one after that.


468-02    (05731 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great and wise Oracle
>       Please tell me how I will know when I have found the woman of my
>   dreams..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you will feel flushed, breaking out in a light sweat.  Your
} palms will become moist and itchy.  Your breathing will become
} shallow and rapid, not unlike that of a rabbit caught in a snare,
} which, incidentally, is not an unworthy comparison.  You will
} experience heart palpitation and a loss of equilibrium.  Your
} throat will constrict, but only enough to make your voice noticeably
} high and squeaky.  Funny colors will dance before your eyes, and
} a tickling sensation will begin in your stomach, spread to your
} limbs, followed by a rushing feeling of warmth and well-being.
} You will begin feel an upwelling of lightness in your chest which
} will manifest itself in an outbursting of song.  You will smile
} uncontrollably, will find yourself suddenly endowed with grace
} and lightness of foot.  You will dance with your arms spread
} outward.  The colors of the grass and sky will seem more intense.
} You will notice how good everything smells.  The smallest sound
} will seem as music.  You will look at her and you see the face of
} heaven in her eyes, and your soul will take flight like a winged thing.
} Then you will wake up.  You will be late for work, your car will have
} a dead battery, and you will go through the day with dog dung on
} your shoe.  You will come home to an empty apartment, eat a TV
} dinner, realize you are alone in the world and weep.
}
} Well, you asked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spot on "Studs."


468-03    (25540 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Always The Last To Know <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear T. UseNet Oracle:
>
> You have been SUMMONED to appear in a Court of Law, on August 19,
> 1992. This is a legal summons, valid in all cities, states, counties,
> countries, hemispheres, worlds and galaxies.
>
> The court may decide against you if you do not appear.
>
> Case  Number IEEE.802.5
> Defendent: Lisa M. Oracle
>
> Background:
>
>      On or about 34 AD, the defendent alledges that the plaintiff,
> know known as T. UseNet Oracle, did, with full intent and knowledge,
> attempt to sexually harass and intimidate Lisa M. Chaste, whom
> the plaintiff later married.
>
> The defendent argues that, since the marriage was by virtue of
> threat and intimidation, it is not contractually binding. Therefore,
> Ms. Lisa M. Oracle hereby seeks disolution of the union, and assests
> amounting to 50% ("One Half") of the adjusted net income of T.
> Usenet Oracle between the periods of 34 AD and July 2nd, 1992.
>
> Please respond directly to this letter. A sworn statement, notorized
> by your legal counsel, will protect your rights.
>
> Also, we must warn you that our firm has obtained a temporary
> restraining order, barring you from <ZOT>ing any individual,
> either singularly or as a group, until this matter is resolved.
>
>                                   Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat
>                                   Attorneys at Law

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Messrs. Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat,
}
} Re: your communication numbered IEEE.802.5.  We receive your missive
} with an air of bittersweet amusement.  My client, one Mr. Usenet T.
} Oracle wishes to avoid any unpleasant legal wrangling with your
} client, his wife, one Lisa M. Oracle, and to accomplish this desired
} state of non-enmity, in a legal sense, is willing to produce documenta-
} tion proving conclusively conditions of fraud, malice, and entrapment
} on the part of your client, the aforementioned Mrs. Oracle, thus
} nullifying her previously filed complaint.
}
} In his defense, my client produces the enclosed items, the originals
} being retained by our firm to guard against any unfortunate "accident"
} which may occur while said items are in your possession.  You will
} agree, we are sure, that our evidence, most particularly the Polaroids
} of your client in the form of a she-goat in a red leather teddy at the
} nuptuals in question, in concert with her signature on the wedding
} license, on which she refers to herself as, and I quote, "Nubian
} Num-Num," and the veritable bevy of depositions from eyewitnesses
} to a key incident approximately 12 hours before the actual wedding,
} in which your client initially encountered the estimable Mr. Oracle,
} "clopping" as one observer put it, over to him on all fours, eating
} the sole of his right sandle while making lewd "snuffling" sounds,
} then licking the sole of his foot until my client was obliged to
} accompany her to an anteroom in which activities commenced that it
} would be in your client's best interest to avoid disclosing.  All
} this occured during peak hours of operation at the Bacchus' Bowl-
} o-Rama, and further depositions may be brought forth upon request.
}
} This incident has proved embarrassing in the extreme to my client,
} a diety whose past life has been unblemished by the ugly stain of
} scandal.  However, he will not be caused further pain by a creature
} who tricked him into marriage by assuming an alluring shape, only
} revealing her true nature on their wedding night, thus causing
} sufficient stress to my client to send him into intensive group
} sexual therapy to overcome the resulting inhibitions.  Nay, my
} client has suffered enough, and demands these futile threats
} cease and desist, on pain of future, public, disclosures about
} your client which will result in her spending the rest of her
} miserable life as one of Hades' gold-plated bidets.  We trust
} this course of action will not be necessary and that your client
} will withdraw her claim.
}
} Respectfully,
}
} Gouge, Screwe, Gypp, and Reame
} Attorneys At Law


468-04    (19321 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Otis H. Viles" <VILES@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, an answer please, for your humble and devoted
> supplicant who worships the ground you walk upon.
>
> Is sex the strongest force in the universe, or is it power?  Or, are
> they one in the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa? Lisa, could you help me out here?  I've got a questioner on the
} line who wants to know if sex is power.
}
} "Listen, Orrie, I've *told* you about taking questions when you're
} supposed to be setting aside time for me!  Next thing I know, the
} jello's hardened and it's very uncomfortable.  So, if your questioners
} are more important to you than I am, I guess you won't be needing me
} around tonight, will you?"
}
} No!  I mean, yes!  Aw, c'mon, Lisa, cut me some slack...
}
} "How many times have I done that already?  No!  This is just one more
} straw! You'll just have to go without for a few days.  I've already
} told Aphrodite that if you call her hoping to get some on the side,
} she's to tell you to stuff yourself or I won't organize any more orgies
} for her. You think I don't know you've been screwing around while I
} visit my Mom?"
}
} Aw, but Lisa...
}
} "Nice try, but the big sad eyes aren't going to make it this time.
} Just sit at your little terminal and answer questions, since *they*
} mean so much to you.  Let's see how well you deal with going to bed
} *alone* for a while."
}
} <SLAM>
}
} <Shuffle, shuffle, creak, sigh>
}
} Well, supplicant, you are close, but not quite right.  The strongest
} force in the universe is the *withholding* of sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle an inflatable Lisa, just for a few nights...


468-05    (a1410 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Mr. U. Oracle
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I'm sorry to inform you that you test has come back positive.  Please
> return to our office as soon as possible to begin treatment.  If
> possible you should bring with you a list of all your sexual partners
> from the last fifteen years.
>
> Please consider this to be of the utmost importance.  Thank you.
>
>               Dr. Billy-Joe Harvester

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa:  Now what could this letter for Orrie be.  Oh!  Oh...Orrie must
}        be playing jokes on the medical profession again.  The very idea
}        that an omniscent, all-powerful being could have an STD is
}        ludicrous!  I mean, he once had a computer virus for a few
}        minutes, but he got rid of it quickly enough.  And anyway, my
}        tests came in negative after that party six months ago.  If I
}        was going to pick anything up, I would have picked it up then.
}        Nope, it's a joke.
}
} Oracle:  Lisa?  What are you reading?
}
} Lisa:  Just some mail.
}
} Oracle:  Anything interesting?
}
} Lisa:  Nope!  Just go back to bed.  I'll be there with the marshmallow
}        fluff and the rollerblades in a couple minutes.
}
} Oracle:  Oh boy!
}
} Lisa:  Now that he's gone, I can reply to this letter.  Dear Dr.
}        Harvester, (what a weird name!)  Mr. Oracle recently passed away
}        of a mysterious illness.  He is unable to respond to your
}        inquiry.  Have a nice day!


468-06    (38230 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, brother of God, descendant of mount Olympus, creator of
> High Queries, dispenser of eternal Wisdom, of Whom I would not dare to
> lick the boots and rather drivel around in a pit of my own filth then
> dare to step in His shadow on a hot summer day in the desert.
>
> Pray, tell me:
>
>     Why do the English drive on the lefthand side of the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This aberrant behavior on the part of the English people is little more
} than a matter of habit. It stems from when all the English relied on
} horses for their transportation; when dealing with horses, the English
} made a habit of doing everything, be it buckling on the harness or
} mounting the horse itself from the left.
}
} Thus, through the ages, English children have been brought up with the
} admonishion that "left is right, and right is wrong." Any attempt by
} the child to approach a horse from the right would be met with a severe
} thrashing with a carpet beater, and it would then be sent to bed before
} Benny Hill came on.
}
} As a child, Rudyard Kipling once wrote "Right is right, and Left is
} left, and never the twain shall meet"; this was viewed as a crass pun
} on the directional instruction, and his nanny took him forthwith to the
} greasy green Limpopo river, where a crocodile bit his nose. Later,
} Kipling rewrote this line as "East is East, and West is West, and never
} the twain shall meet"; as a result he was lionized by women all over
} the world. A true Englishman, he decided that crocodile episode was
} more pleasurable.


468-07    (54430 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, I don't mean to whine before Your Holiness.  And
> I know that I'm not supposed to ask about this type of system,
> but how is a one armed person supposed to warm boot a DOS box?
>
> (This one has one of those older keyboards with Ctrl only on
> the left hand side and Del only on the right hand side.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon holds your solution, embedded in his
} nickname.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of "Chopsticks", played with any/all arms
} tied behind your back.


468-08    (04714 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Wisdom!
>
> Please tell me why Finland is the most expensive country to live
> in the whole world? What can be done about it?
>
> Living in Finland is about 59% more expensive than in America.
> Please help the poor Finns! If you have a solution, send it also
> to Mr. Aho, the Prime Minister of Finland.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vowels.  Vowels are several hundred times more expensive than
} consonants, and Finland runs a huge vowel import surplus.  The pattern
} is well-known among economists: A similar problem occurs in Hawaii, one
} of the most costly states in the union, and the converse occurs in
} Wales and Poland, net vowel exporters which consequently have very low
} costs-of-living.  Why do you think Wheel of Fortune charges for vowels,
} but pays for consonants?
}
} You owe the Oracle a sometime Y and W.


468-09    (2a220 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people "apologise for the inconvenience"?  Wouldn't it be
> better to simply get it right the first time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two questions here:
}
} 1. Why do people apologize for the Inconvenience?
}
} Many, many years ago, when the Inconvenience was first born, it was
} able to apologize for itself.  For better or for worse (and this was a
} highly debated issue), the Inconvenience lost his ability to speak.
} (How? you may ask... the Cat got its tongue, of course).  Anyway, the
} Humans were developing this concept called manners just about then, and
} the rest, as they say, is history.
}
} 2. Wouldn't it be better to simply get it right the first time?
}
} This is a long story... but what the heck -- Lisa's gone for the day
} anyhow.
}
} Once upon a time, God created dinosaurs.  And he looked at them, and
} saw that they were good.  Not great, you understand, but good.  So he
} decided to make them better.  Thus was born the concept of evolution
} (don't tell the scientists that God created evolution -- they'd go
} nuts).  Unfortunately He was busy that day, and His mind was wandering,
} and the dinosaurs unfortunately began getting worse.  Their legs got
} shorter, their stomachs got bigger, their brains got smaller... you get
} the picture.  By the time God finally noticed the mess, it was getting
} out of hand.  The only alternative left was to destroy them altogether
} (nope, it wasn't an ice age, or even a really big meteorite).  When He
} noticed, He happened to in the midst of cooking a batch of cookies.  He
} was reading the recipe, and happened to look over His shoulder at His
} monitor, which happened to be switched to the Earth camera, and well,
} it sounded something like this:
}
} "Let's see... bake at 350 degrees for ... What the ... oh no ... fixing
} that dinosaur thing is going to be one big inconvenience."
}
} Unfortunately, he had forgotten to switch his voice recognition
} software off, and as he had sort of mumbled that whole bit, the
} computer caught "... Make ... one big Inconvenience".
}
} And that's how the Inconvenience was born.  (We're talking about the
} computer that created the Earth here, you understand.)
}
} Let's see, your question... ah yes, "wouldn't it be better to get it
} right the first time?"  Well, yes, of course it would have been.
} Nobody likes getting it wrong, especially God.  But, hey, everyone
} makes mistakes now and then.  For example, you completely forgot to
} grovel. (But don't worry, I'm in a good mood today.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible, Murphy's edition.


468-10    (66220 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do YOU care what other people think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm hurt.  I am, in fact, deeply offended.  You accuse ME, the Usenet
} Oracle, of not caring what other people think?  It's my life!  my bread
} and butter! yea!  the core of my very existence!
}
} Of course, there WAS a time when I was less concerned...
}
} [standard 70's "dream sequence waves"]
}
} "Orrie, you come in and put on something more than that loincloth
} before the neighbors see you."
}
} "Oh, <ZOT> off, Mom."
}
} "Orrie, I'm serious.  This frolicking about semi-nude just will not
} do."
}
} "Mom, do you really think I care what you think?"
}
} "Young man, you may be the Usenet Oracle, but I'm your mother, and when
} I tell you to do something you DO IT.  Hear me?"
}
} "Mom, I don't care!!  Whatcha gonna do about it?"
}
}   /  ZZZZZ  OOO  TTTTT  \
}  /      Z  O   O   T     \
} <      Z   O   O   T      >
}  \    Z    O   O   T     /
}   \  ZZZZZ  OOO    T    /
}
} "Owww...."
}
} [standard "return to present wave"]
}
} So, you see, there was a time when I didn't care.  Once.  Never
} again--I've learned my lesson.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Bactine.


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