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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O erudite Oracle who knows the whereabouts of Elvis, or at least > the weight of his sideburns, how can I get front-row Springsteen > tickets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O ticketless supplicant, }       You have several options.  The most obvious one is to call } Ticketmaster or a similar agency and ask for a front-row ticket.  After } they have relieved you of you life savings, you will be the proud owner } of a fronrow ticket. }       The next, almost-as-obvious option is to arrive at the concert } several hours early and visit one of the people colloquially known as } "scalpers". After they have relieved you of your life savings and the } flesh atop your skull, you will be the proud owner of a front-row } ticket. }       The last, least-obvious option is to purchase a nosebleed seat, } and arrive at the concert in a uniform similar to an usher.  Go to the } front row and find someone sitting in a seat.  Inform said person that } they have a private phone call at the main gate, and you were sent to } find them by their seat location (as you don't know their name).  While } escorting the unsuspecting person towards the main gate, relieve them } of their consciousness and their ticket stub, and you will be the proud } owner of a front-row ticket. } }       You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis' next concert, and bootlegs } from the one after that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great and wise Oracle >       Please tell me how I will know when I have found the woman of my >   dreams..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you will feel flushed, breaking out in a light sweat.  Your } palms will become moist and itchy.  Your breathing will become } shallow and rapid, not unlike that of a rabbit caught in a snare, } which, incidentally, is not an unworthy comparison.  You will } experience heart palpitation and a loss of equilibrium.  Your } throat will constrict, but only enough to make your voice noticeably } high and squeaky.  Funny colors will dance before your eyes, and } a tickling sensation will begin in your stomach, spread to your } limbs, followed by a rushing feeling of warmth and well-being. } You will begin feel an upwelling of lightness in your chest which } will manifest itself in an outbursting of song.  You will smile } uncontrollably, will find yourself suddenly endowed with grace } and lightness of foot.  You will dance with your arms spread } outward.  The colors of the grass and sky will seem more intense. } You will notice how good everything smells.  The smallest sound } will seem as music.  You will look at her and you see the face of } heaven in her eyes, and your soul will take flight like a winged thing. } Then you will wake up.  You will be late for work, your car will have } a dead battery, and you will go through the day with dog dung on } your shoe.  You will come home to an empty apartment, eat a TV } dinner, realize you are alone in the world and weep. } } Well, you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a spot on "Studs."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear T. UseNet Oracle: > > You have been SUMMONED to appear in a Court of Law, on August 19, > 1992. This is a legal summons, valid in all cities, states, counties, > countries, hemispheres, worlds and galaxies. > > The court may decide against you if you do not appear. > > Case  Number IEEE.802.5 > Defendent: Lisa M. Oracle > > Background: > >      On or about 34 AD, the defendent alledges that the plaintiff, > know known as T. UseNet Oracle, did, with full intent and knowledge, > attempt to sexually harass and intimidate Lisa M. Chaste, whom > the plaintiff later married. > > The defendent argues that, since the marriage was by virtue of > threat and intimidation, it is not contractually binding. Therefore, > Ms. Lisa M. Oracle hereby seeks disolution of the union, and assests > amounting to 50% ("One Half") of the adjusted net income of T. > Usenet Oracle between the periods of 34 AD and July 2nd, 1992. > > Please respond directly to this letter. A sworn statement, notorized > by your legal counsel, will protect your rights. > > Also, we must warn you that our firm has obtained a temporary > restraining order, barring you from <ZOT>ing any individual, > either singularly or as a group, until this matter is resolved. > >                                   Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat >                                   Attorneys at Law

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Messrs. Goniff, Swindle, and Cheat, } } Re: your communication numbered IEEE.802.5.  We receive your missive } with an air of bittersweet amusement.  My client, one Mr. Usenet T. } Oracle wishes to avoid any unpleasant legal wrangling with your } client, his wife, one Lisa M. Oracle, and to accomplish this desired } state of non-enmity, in a legal sense, is willing to produce documenta- } tion proving conclusively conditions of fraud, malice, and entrapment } on the part of your client, the aforementioned Mrs. Oracle, thus } nullifying her previously filed complaint. } } In his defense, my client produces the enclosed items, the originals } being retained by our firm to guard against any unfortunate "accident" } which may occur while said items are in your possession.  You will } agree, we are sure, that our evidence, most particularly the Polaroids } of your client in the form of a she-goat in a red leather teddy at the } nuptuals in question, in concert with her signature on the wedding } license, on which she refers to herself as, and I quote, "Nubian } Num-Num," and the veritable bevy of depositions from eyewitnesses } to a key incident approximately 12 hours before the actual wedding, } in which your client initially encountered the estimable Mr. Oracle, } "clopping" as one observer put it, over to him on all fours, eating } the sole of his right sandle while making lewd "snuffling" sounds, } then licking the sole of his foot until my client was obliged to } accompany her to an anteroom in which activities commenced that it } would be in your client's best interest to avoid disclosing.  All } this occured during peak hours of operation at the Bacchus' Bowl- } o-Rama, and further depositions may be brought forth upon request. } } This incident has proved embarrassing in the extreme to my client, } a diety whose past life has been unblemished by the ugly stain of } scandal.  However, he will not be caused further pain by a creature } who tricked him into marriage by assuming an alluring shape, only } revealing her true nature on their wedding night, thus causing } sufficient stress to my client to send him into intensive group } sexual therapy to overcome the resulting inhibitions.  Nay, my } client has suffered enough, and demands these futile threats } cease and desist, on pain of future, public, disclosures about } your client which will result in her spending the rest of her } miserable life as one of Hades' gold-plated bidets.  We trust } this course of action will not be necessary and that your client } will withdraw her claim. } } Respectfully, } } Gouge, Screwe, Gypp, and Reame } Attorneys At Law

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, an answer please, for your humble and devoted > supplicant who worships the ground you walk upon. > > Is sex the strongest force in the universe, or is it power?  Or, are > they one in the same?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa? Lisa, could you help me out here?  I've got a questioner on the } line who wants to know if sex is power. } } "Listen, Orrie, I've *told* you about taking questions when you're } supposed to be setting aside time for me!  Next thing I know, the } jello's hardened and it's very uncomfortable.  So, if your questioners } are more important to you than I am, I guess you won't be needing me } around tonight, will you?" } } No!  I mean, yes!  Aw, c'mon, Lisa, cut me some slack... } } "How many times have I done that already?  No!  This is just one more } straw! You'll just have to go without for a few days.  I've already } told Aphrodite that if you call her hoping to get some on the side, } she's to tell you to stuff yourself or I won't organize any more orgies } for her. You think I don't know you've been screwing around while I } visit my Mom?" } } Aw, but Lisa... } } "Nice try, but the big sad eyes aren't going to make it this time. } Just sit at your little terminal and answer questions, since *they* } mean so much to you.  Let's see how well you deal with going to bed } *alone* for a while." } } <SLAM> } } <Shuffle, shuffle, creak, sigh> } } Well, supplicant, you are close, but not quite right.  The strongest } force in the universe is the *withholding* of sex. } } You owe the Oracle an inflatable Lisa, just for a few nights...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Mr. U. Oracle > > Dear Sir: > > I'm sorry to inform you that you test has come back positive.  Please > return to our office as soon as possible to begin treatment.  If > possible you should bring with you a list of all your sexual partners > from the last fifteen years. > > Please consider this to be of the utmost importance.  Thank you. > >               Dr. Billy-Joe Harvester

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa:  Now what could this letter for Orrie be.  Oh!  Oh...Orrie must }        be playing jokes on the medical profession again.  The very idea }        that an omniscent, all-powerful being could have an STD is }        ludicrous!  I mean, he once had a computer virus for a few }        minutes, but he got rid of it quickly enough.  And anyway, my }        tests came in negative after that party six months ago.  If I }        was going to pick anything up, I would have picked it up then. }        Nope, it's a joke. } } Oracle:  Lisa?  What are you reading? } } Lisa:  Just some mail. } } Oracle:  Anything interesting? } } Lisa:  Nope!  Just go back to bed.  I'll be there with the marshmallow }        fluff and the rollerblades in a couple minutes. } } Oracle:  Oh boy! } } Lisa:  Now that he's gone, I can reply to this letter.  Dear Dr. }        Harvester, (what a weird name!)  Mr. Oracle recently passed away }        of a mysterious illness.  He is unable to respond to your }        inquiry.  Have a nice day!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, brother of God, descendant of mount Olympus, creator of > High Queries, dispenser of eternal Wisdom, of Whom I would not dare to > lick the boots and rather drivel around in a pit of my own filth then > dare to step in His shadow on a hot summer day in the desert. > > Pray, tell me: > >     Why do the English drive on the lefthand side of the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This aberrant behavior on the part of the English people is little more } than a matter of habit. It stems from when all the English relied on } horses for their transportation; when dealing with horses, the English } made a habit of doing everything, be it buckling on the harness or } mounting the horse itself from the left. } } Thus, through the ages, English children have been brought up with the } admonishion that "left is right, and right is wrong." Any attempt by } the child to approach a horse from the right would be met with a severe } thrashing with a carpet beater, and it would then be sent to bed before } Benny Hill came on. } } As a child, Rudyard Kipling once wrote "Right is right, and Left is } left, and never the twain shall meet"; this was viewed as a crass pun } on the directional instruction, and his nanny took him forthwith to the } greasy green Limpopo river, where a crocodile bit his nose. Later, } Kipling rewrote this line as "East is East, and West is West, and never } the twain shall meet"; as a result he was lionized by women all over } the world. A true Englishman, he decided that crocodile episode was } more pleasurable.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, I don't mean to whine before Your Holiness.  And > I know that I'm not supposed to ask about this type of system, > but how is a one armed person supposed to warm boot a DOS box? > > (This one has one of those older keyboards with Ctrl only on > the left hand side and Del only on the right hand side.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon holds your solution, embedded in his } nickname. } } You owe the Oracle a tape of "Chopsticks", played with any/all arms } tied behind your back.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Wisdom! > > Please tell me why Finland is the most expensive country to live > in the whole world? What can be done about it? > > Living in Finland is about 59% more expensive than in America. > Please help the poor Finns! If you have a solution, send it also > to Mr. Aho, the Prime Minister of Finland.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vowels.  Vowels are several hundred times more expensive than } consonants, and Finland runs a huge vowel import surplus.  The pattern } is well-known among economists: A similar problem occurs in Hawaii, one } of the most costly states in the union, and the converse occurs in } Wales and Poland, net vowel exporters which consequently have very low } costs-of-living.  Why do you think Wheel of Fortune charges for vowels, } but pays for consonants? } } You owe the Oracle a sometime Y and W.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people "apologise for the inconvenience"?  Wouldn't it be > better to simply get it right the first time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two questions here: } } 1. Why do people apologize for the Inconvenience? } } Many, many years ago, when the Inconvenience was first born, it was } able to apologize for itself.  For better or for worse (and this was a } highly debated issue), the Inconvenience lost his ability to speak. } (How? you may ask... the Cat got its tongue, of course).  Anyway, the } Humans were developing this concept called manners just about then, and } the rest, as they say, is history. } } 2. Wouldn't it be better to simply get it right the first time? } } This is a long story... but what the heck -- Lisa's gone for the day } anyhow. } } Once upon a time, God created dinosaurs.  And he looked at them, and } saw that they were good.  Not great, you understand, but good.  So he } decided to make them better.  Thus was born the concept of evolution } (don't tell the scientists that God created evolution -- they'd go } nuts).  Unfortunately He was busy that day, and His mind was wandering, } and the dinosaurs unfortunately began getting worse.  Their legs got } shorter, their stomachs got bigger, their brains got smaller... you get } the picture.  By the time God finally noticed the mess, it was getting } out of hand.  The only alternative left was to destroy them altogether } (nope, it wasn't an ice age, or even a really big meteorite).  When He } noticed, He happened to in the midst of cooking a batch of cookies.  He } was reading the recipe, and happened to look over His shoulder at His } monitor, which happened to be switched to the Earth camera, and well, } it sounded something like this: } } "Let's see... bake at 350 degrees for ... What the ... oh no ... fixing } that dinosaur thing is going to be one big inconvenience." } } Unfortunately, he had forgotten to switch his voice recognition } software off, and as he had sort of mumbled that whole bit, the } computer caught "... Make ... one big Inconvenience". } } And that's how the Inconvenience was born.  (We're talking about the } computer that created the Earth here, you understand.) } } Let's see, your question... ah yes, "wouldn't it be better to get it } right the first time?"  Well, yes, of course it would have been. } Nobody likes getting it wrong, especially God.  But, hey, everyone } makes mistakes now and then.  For example, you completely forgot to } grovel. (But don't worry, I'm in a good mood today.) } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Bible, Murphy's edition.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do YOU care what other people think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm hurt.  I am, in fact, deeply offended.  You accuse ME, the Usenet } Oracle, of not caring what other people think?  It's my life!  my bread } and butter! yea!  the core of my very existence! } } Of course, there WAS a time when I was less concerned... } } [standard 70's "dream sequence waves"] } } "Orrie, you come in and put on something more than that loincloth } before the neighbors see you." } } "Oh, <ZOT> off, Mom." } } "Orrie, I'm serious.  This frolicking about semi-nude just will not } do." } } "Mom, do you really think I care what you think?" } } "Young man, you may be the Usenet Oracle, but I'm your mother, and when } I tell you to do something you DO IT.  Hear me?" } } "Mom, I don't care!!  Whatcha gonna do about it?" } }   /  ZZZZZ  OOO  TTTTT  \ }  /      Z  O   O   T     \ } <      Z   O   O   T      > }  \    Z    O   O   T     / }   \  ZZZZZ  OOO    T    / } } "Owww...." } } [standard "return to present wave"] } } So, you see, there was a time when I didn't care.  Once.  Never } again--I've learned my lesson. } } You owe the Oracle some Bactine.