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Internet Oracularities #469

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469, 469-01, 469-02, 469-03, 469-04, 469-05, 469-06, 469-07, 469-08, 469-09, 469-10


Usenet Oracularities #469    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 20 Jul 92 06:54:16 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   469
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

469   15 votes 13560 45420 03732 02274 12552 34242 12831 12561 34602 62601
469   3.0 mean  3.1   2.3   3.3   3.9   3.3   2.9   3.1   3.3   2.6   2.2


469-01    (13560 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@asel.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who causes the planets to tremble and yea, even
> the barren deserts to bear life; who heals the sick and feeds the
> hungry; whose greatness is proclaimed in the heavens above and whose
> glory is manifest throughout the Universe; who works great signs and
> wonders and who even knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck,
> please answer my question:
>
> It's Mom - why do I have to go through all this groveling just to say
> hi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you know Mom, rules are rules, if I were to make an exception for
} you I'd have to make an exception for everyone.  You were the one that
} said "Orrie, when you grow up I want you to be successful and not some
} deadbeat charlatan like your father Merlin with his Ouija board, tea
} leaves, mouse droppings, and hocus pocus". So I did, Mom, I even gave
} up learning to play the pipes with Pan, to study hard. And everyday I
} had to eat my Magic Mushrooms, Spice, and Peyote, just so I could
} improve on my precognition. At least once you could have let me eat a
} burger and fries.  I won't even talk about the sheep intestines, eye of
} newt, and bat brains. So I did what you want, and I admit being the all
} powerful, all knowing, being of the Universe has its rewards.  So you
} got what you asked for and no, I won't pick up those socks in the
} corner!  Sorry, if I'm a little cross Mom, its been a rough day.  Love
} you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hug, a glass of milk and a dozen of your chocolate
} chip cookies.


469-02    (45420 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which side is the far side of the moon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's in the same place as the far side of the earth, and the far side
} of all other known worlds.  Which is to say, in most American
} newspapers, somewhere near "The Neighborhood," "Peanuts," and
} "Doonesbury," unless latter is in a small-town paper where the
} conservative editors place it on the editorial page.
}
} You owe the oracle one chicken or cow, whichever is funnier.


469-03    (03732 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear alrighty one,
>
> Don't you think this whole thing is getting rather boring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle realizes that the intracacies of modern life may
} appear to be boring, when in fact nothing could be further from the
} truth.  It is difficult for the Oracle to see how a world in which Dan
} Quayle could become President of the United States, Spam (tm) is
} considered a food, the Cleveland Indians are considered a professional
} baseball team, and every citizen in southeastern Europe is rapidly
} becoming his or her own sovereign nation can be considered anything but
} an amusing facsimile of "interesting".
}
}       But the Oracle digresses.  Let us consider the question one
} phrase at a time.
}
} > "Don't you think..."
}
}       The Oracle is offended at such a blasphemous insinuation.  With
} such an infinite store of wisdom upon which to draw, it is quite
} obvious that the Oracle need not think whatsoever.  The proof, as they
} say, is left to the reader in his own pudding.
}
} > "...this whole thing..."
}
}       The seeker has been somewhat vague in his or her choice of
} phrasing. To what could one be refering as "this whole thing?"
} Existence?  Computing? An advertising juggernaut which has yielded the
} "Salad Shooter", the "Pocket Fisherman", AND "Vanilla Ice"?  These are
} hardly worthwhile topics for discussion, but their inherent values (or
} lack thereof) are predicated more on their complete absurdity rather
} than any lack of interest.
}
}       Perhaps it is the mystery of the Oracle which bores the seeker.
} Here, too, the Oracle must object most strongly.  The Oracle offers a
} proof by induction.:
}
} PREMISE: The Oracle is not boring.
}
} N = 1: The Oracle did not write a long treatise on the advantages of
}        Phillips head screws vs. flathead screws, widely recognized as
}        the most boring topic of all time, in the Year 1 AD.
}
} Let this be true for all N, with the additional observation that the
} Oracle draws on past knowledge for future Oracularities.
}
} Induction Step: If the Oracle did not write such a treatise in Year N
}               AD, then the Oracle will not write such a treatise in
}               Year N+1 AD.
}
} QED.
}
} > "...is getting rather boring?"
}
}       The Oracle points out the inherent logical flaw in this question.
} Either the seeker wishes to imply that the proverbial "whole thing", as
} it were, is boring or is not boring.  If it IS boring, then it cannot
} be GETTING boring.  If it is NOT boring, then it is, by definition, not
} getting boring, as the Oracle is one of the few "things" in the
} Universe which is constant and unchanging, along with the
} aforementioned Cleveland Indians' singular ineptitude.
}
}       The Oracle demands that you watch three (cricket) test matches
} over the next year and asks you to reconsider what "boring" might mean.


469-04    (02274 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Pointed, Who knows that the word "point" refers not
> only to the unit of measurement of type but also to the 1/100th part
> of a carat: What's the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Getting to that point again, are we?
}
}       Many people of the Earth have uttered, "What's the point?" many
} times throughout history.  Most of the time, nothing much comes of it.
} However, on rare occasions, something unusual happens.
}
}       Here, lemme rewind the history recorder for you so you can see...
}
} <pause>
} .......................................................
} <rewind>
} ...ees nac uoy os uoy rof yrotsih dniwer emmel ,ereH
}
} .sepah lusunu nihtems ,noiscco err n ,rveo
} .i osmchu nho ei h oto ythugr mtn toe tW,rte rhod e
} :romFk skja ddd^%s db 3jk sjkd jksd,s.f alkdf; dkjf " sdjdfj
} dflksd84 fnbxc,c873 fjkskjf akhkew d8i2 dlka dlksajh BDKJGd;lk jkehj
} LKF  d fjf wo8e f j dkj hfkjsjgd fd9o2juecb lskdh lgksjgslkf
} ks~r^?{t(w3xxxXXxx <stop>
} <play>
}       "What?  Where did this sea come from?  It wasn't here last
} month!!"
}       "Moses!  What do we do now?"
}       "Look!  They're coming!"
}       "Swim for it!!!"
}       "We'll drown.  What's the point?"
}       KRACK-OOOMMM!!!
}       "What the...?  How'd *this* happen?"
}       "Who cares?  Run!"
}       "No one's going to believe us.  I hope someone's writing all this
} down..."
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} dkjh diu dkjhfoiuwuLKU GIUDLI teli. ~r~rxxxXXXXxx{_{_^?{w3t($cxnmakj s
} dkj <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "Let us give thanks..."
}       "Why?  He's dead."
}       "It's Sunday, and he taught us to do this every week."
}       "What for?"
}       "He said he'll be back.  If he finds us slacking off..."
}       "He'll WHAT?  They nailed him up Friday, you twit.  The man's a
} stiff."
}       "But we promised."
}       "What you mean *WE*, paleface?  We were having a great time until
} *he* came along.  Stonings, orgies, making a tidy sum at the temple...
} Then in waltzes this guy fresh off the cart from Bethlehem, next thing
} you know we're taking vows of celibacy, dunking people in the river
} every week, and feeding thousands of people for *free* with herring and
} stale sourdough. I've had it!  I'm gonna go have some fun."
}       "You're gonna sit down, Thomas, and finish this."
}       "Cram it, Peter.  He's gone now.  What's the point?"
}       KA-POWFTHKCHUNKdaboompTHUD!
}       "I'm back."
}       "Uh, gosh, man, I thought you <ack!> <gag!> <choke!> <cough!>"
}       "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} fkjd   lflk a DKJH KA dl rfoc (*&kjF KJHS d873*&4 J~rw3t(^?{_djh
} ekkkkxx <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME YOUR EARS!!"
}       "What'd he say?"
}       "He said, 'Lend me some beers.'"
}       "You sure?"
}       "No.  The acoustics in this place suck."
}       "Yeah, especially since that far wall fell down."
}       "THE MAJOR EVENTS OF THE DAY DO FOLLOW!!"
}       "What?"
}       "The flavored nuts of the bay are shallow."
}       "That doesn't make any sense."
}       "I know.  I hate getting the daily news like this.  Why don't
} they just write it down so we can read it?"
}       "I don't think there's a stone wall big enough."
}       "OUR GLORIOUS EMPORER HAS MET WITH FOREIGN LEADERS..."
}       "Our floor penis *what?*"
}       "No, our glorious imploder....  Oh, what's the point?"
}       chik-CRASH!!
}       *rrRRRROOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!*
}       "AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
}       "Wow!  Where'd that lion come from?"
}       "I don't know, but this is much better!"
}       "Hey, check out the two guys trying to help."
}       "Hey, I know them!"
}       "Yeah?"
}       "Yeah.  The one on the left is Nitrus.  The other guy's
} Laserius."
}       "Wow, they're really getting into it.  They should do this every
} week."
}       "Yeah, but who's going to tell us about this news event?"
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} kjdh js kj==fd kd f=04 su jks8376 sjkg ss872*&$6 sh^$32mKJ ~r_[{w3//xxx
} <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "So where is it?"
}       "Be patient."
}       "I've *been* patient.  I've been waiting for *months* for the
} sword you promised.  And we've been out here in this miserable boat
} each and every night for the past three weeks."
}       "The forces of nature are not ours to command."
}       "I don't want to command them, just hurry them up a bit."
}       "A great leader must know patience, Uther."
}       "Merlin, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm hungry.  Let's call it a
} night."
}       "No, we must not lose our resolve."
}       "I could pay a page to do this for us."
}       "A page is not meant to become King.  Now be still and keep
} looking."
}       "Oh, what's the point?"
}       "DON'T SAY THA..."
}       KRACK-SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
}       "THERE IT IS!"
}       "Yes, right through the boat.  Thanks a whole smegging bunch."
}       "I've got it!  Get us moving!"
}       "Oh, sure.  We're sinking, I'm a 900-year-old man, and you're
} wearing full plate armor.  Yeah, I can row us to shore.  No problem.
} Get a grip."
}       "Well, cast a spell or something!"
}       "Hmmm....  Okay..."
}       *poof!*
}       "(hey!  what'd you do?  what's happened to me?)"
}       "I've turned you into a cork.  <*plug*>  Now keep quiet until I
} get us back..."
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} lksjd *&498ndx8tk3bx6v9ym vc83 g9vh3 69hC84NA84hs fkj
} 389~rxxxxXXXXX^?{_{w3 <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "We're headed *WHERE*????"
}       "India."
}       "But that's *EAST*!!!!"
}       "'Ats-a right."
}       "But we're sailing *WEST*!!!!"
}       "Yous-a pretty smart, aren't ya?"
}       "The phrase 'Fucking Moron' comes to mind..."
}       "No, look-a here.  You see, if yous-a look at the world like-a
} so, then when-a you sail west, yous-a end up on-a the east side."
}       "You got some bad salami somewhere, Chris."
}       "No, it's-a simple.  Look..."
}       "I don't have to look!  You're an idiot!  Everyone knows the
} world is flat!"
}       "Ah, yous-a never understand.  What's-a the point?"
}       KUFFFFFMMMMMPPPPPPCCHHKK!!!!!
}       "Good God!  LAND!"
}       "Hey!  Whos-a put-a this *continent* here?"
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} dlkh dfo (*KFD98iukjhg764 fiyTRV O8f8OVFOUfu08O76RHF
} djhxxxxxXXXXX~r~r^? <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "What do you think, honey?"
}       "It smells *awful*."
}       "Horse shit smells worse."
}       "Horses also make less noise.  What's it supposed to do?"
}       "Get in."
}       "Okay, but what does it *do*?"
}       "Observe, my sweet."
}       *lurch*
}       "Eeep!  We're moving!"
}       "Precisely."
}       "But how...?"
}       "An internal combustion engine.  Like a steam engine, only
} without the water."
}       "Is this what you've been tinkering with in the shed the past few
} months?"
}       "Yep.  I just got it working yesterday."
}       "How'd you get it out the door?"
}       "Er...  Uh...  Well, that's going to take some explaining..."
}       "Henry, this is the stupidest damn thing you've ever done.  Look
} out for the horse."
}       "Yes, dear."
}       "I mean, you've come up with some real doozies in the past...
} Watch for the bicycle..."
}       "Yes, dear."
}       "But this takes the prize.  Look out for the gulley on the
} right..."
}       "Yes, dear."
}       "I mean, who could possibly be interested in a noisy, smelly,
} horseless carriage?  The idea!"
}       "Oh, what's the point?"
}       "LOOK OUT!"
}       CRASHinktkump!!
}       "Now, you've done it, Henry."
}       "Good afternoon, sir.  May I see your license, registration, and
} proof of insurance?"
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} hj fgKJHD^475298%@743$92832^?^G_{w3~rw3t( dhg29^#bsHdkhgskjKd^%^5jn  w3
} <stop>
} <play>
}
}       "Have you seen the latest sales figures?"
}       "Yeah, not bad."
}       "Not bad??!?  They're terrible!!  We should be selling ten times
} as many copies!!"
}       "Well, the product is a little overpriced..."
}       "Overpriced my ass!  We're the standard; where else are they
} going to go?"
}       "Yeah, but the package costs almost as much as the machine it
} runs on.  And you won't fix the bugs."
}       "If I fix the bugs, then the new release will be *incompatible*
} with the old one, and I'll have to rewrite all my programs."
}       "What are you doing writing programs that depend on buggy
} behavior?"
}       "Hey, I know how the interpreter works internally, so I can
} write code to make the best of it.  If I change it, they won't run as
} well."
}       "But everyone else's will run better."
}       "So what?  We're in this to make money.  If they don't like our
} BASIC, they can go somewhere else."
}       "That's not why everyone else is in this business..."
}       "They're all egalitarian idiots.  We'll be around long after
} they're dead and gone."
}       "But they're doing cool stuff."
}       "Are they making money?  What's their price/earnings ratio?
} What's their annual profit?  Hell, they don't even know what that stuff
} means."
}       "You don't get it, do you?"
}       "No, *you* don't get it.  Egalitarianism is not the way to do
} business.  Why *give* them something when they want it so bad they're
} willing to *pay* for it?  Why waste resources fixing bugs when it's not
} going to improve sales?  We aren't in this for our health..."
}       "Oh, what's the point?"
}       KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
}       t-chk-chk
}       "Yes?"
}       "Mr. Gates?"
}       "Yes..."
}       "We're from IBM.  We'd like to contract you to do an operating
} system for a new computer we're building.  Can you write it?"
}       "No, but I can buy someone else's and kluge it up a bit..."
}       "Great, that'll do.  Thanks."
}       "Sure.  See ya."
}       "Bill, you're the luckiest damn sum-bitch on the face of the
} Earth."
}       "Ain't I, though?"
}
} <stop>
} <fast forward>
} jhg875JV 7 tgfjhgf 86 h*&^%65V  u% CFUS76~rw3t(_{^?{^?{dkj&35nzBax
} <stop>
} <play>
}
} % mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
} Subject: tell me
}
} Oh Oracle Most Pointed, Who knows that the word "point" refers not
} only to the unit of measurement of type but also to the 1/100th part
} of a carat: What's the point?
} ^D
} Cc:
} %
}       "Excuse me, are you the, uh, 'sysadmin'?"
}       "Yes, ma'am.  May I help you?"
}       "Someone told me you can show me how to get on Usenet?"
}       "Oh sure, just type 'rn' at the percent prompt."
}       "Okay....   Uh...."
}       "Is there something else?"
}       "Well, yes, there is, but it's a little embarrassing..."
}       "Go ahead, nothing fazes me.  That's why I have this job."
}       "Well....  Um....  How do I get to the bondage stuff?"
}       "You mean alt.sex.bondage?"
}       "I guess..."
}       "That's easy; let me show you..."
}       *tick tick tap tick tap tap tick*
}       "...And then you type 'g alt.sex.bondage' and you're there."
}       "Great.  You sure this is okay?  It's not going to upset anyone?"
}       "Well, if this were Canada, it might, but it doesn't bother me.
} I read it myself sometimes when I'm not busy."
}       "You do?"
}       "Yeah, occasionally..."
}       "I never knew *anyone* else who was into that."
}       "Well, I'm not really 'into' it in a really deep sense..."
}       "Could you tell me what you know?"
}       "...Uh....  Well, you can do that on the net..."
}       "I'd much rather talk about it with someone I know."
}       "You didn't know me three minutes ago..."
}       "Yeah....  But I'd feel much more comfortable if_yt(ou ~rhw3elped
} ^?{me ~rg~rw3t(_{_{^?&^%83dhagg
}
} *snap* *flp flp flp flp flp flp flp flp...*
}
}       Damn.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a tape splicer.


469-05    (12552 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle of Meteoric Proportions,
>
>       Is it true that, "Into each life some rain must fall?"  If so,
> how much?  Should you carry a spare umbrella?  Even in Ethiopia?
>
>                                       Signed, High and Dry

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear mistaken supplicant,
}       It is not true that "Into each life some rain must fall".  On the
} other hand, it is completely true that "Into peach pie some train must
} fall".  This in fact happened in late 1972 on the rail line between
} Kiev and Uzbekistan in the USSR, but the government hushed it up
} completely and destroyed all records.  Sadly, we will not find any
} trace of the Great Peach Pie Train Disaster even when the secret files
} of the KGB are made public (Al Copone's Vault had a complete copy of
} the documentation, but thieves got the the vault a day before Geraldo
} Rivera).  The details are as follows:
}
} 11/26/72, 8:45 AM:   The 8:00 train pulls out of the Kiev train station
}                       at the usual time, carrying 240 people, two
}                       engineers, six conductors, two KGB agents
}                       disguised as conductors, and seventeen CIA agents
}                       disguised as KGB agents disguised as conductors.
}
} 9:15 AM:   The train passes through Chernobyl, now carrying 240 people,
}                       two engineers, six conductors, seven KGB agents
}                       disguised as conductors, and twelve CIA agents
}                       disguised as KGB agents disguised as conductors.
}
} 9:37 AM:   The train, well on its way, is now carrying 240 people, two
}                       conductors disguised as engineers, two engineers
}                       disguised as CIA agents disguised as KGB agents
}                       disguised as conductors, four conductors, six
}                       KGB agents disguised as conductors, one dead KGB
}                       agent disguised as a dead conductor, ten CIA
}                       agents disguised as KGB agents disguised as
}                       conductors, and two dead CIA agents disguised
}                       as dead KGB agents disguised as dead conductors.
}
} 10:30 AM:  The train is now only twenty miles from its date with
}                       destiny at the Glorious October Revolution
}                       People's Peach Pie Production Plant (which,
}                       incidentally, employs only secret agents from
}                       western-bloc nations).  The train now carries
}                       four KGB agents disguised as conductors disguised
}                       as engineers, two dead conductors disguised as
}                       dead engineers, two dead engineers disguised as
}                       dead CIA agents disguised as dead KGB agents
}                       disguised as dead conductors, one conductor, two
}                       KGB agents disguised as conductors, eight CIA
}                       agents disguised as KGB agents disguised as
}                       conductors, one dead KGB agent (undisguised), two
}                       dead CIA agents (undisguised), three conductors
}                       disguised as passengers and hiding in the ladies'
}                       room, and two CIA agents disguised as passengers
}                       and hiding in the men's room, 230 passengers, and
}                       10 dead passengers disguised as CIA agents.
}
} 10:57 AM:  The train no longer has an engineer, disguised or otherwise.
}                       Taking a corner to fast, it tips over on a
}                       sharp turn, rolls down an embankment, and
}                       plunges through the roof of the GORPPPPP,
}                       falling in the middle of the gigantic peach
}                       pie that was being prepared for the 1968 May
}                       Day celebration.  230 passengers of the train
}                       were rescued, as well as two KGB agents and
}                       four CIA agents, all disguised as engineers.
}                       Civil investigators were unable to explain the
}                       presence of five dead KGB agents, eight dead
}                       CIA agents, two dead engineers, and six dead
}                       conductors, all disguised as Groucho Marx and
}                       stuffed into the ladies' room.
}
} And so you see, the gruesome fate of the Kiev-Uzbekistan express was
} predicted by the timeworn saying "Into peach pie, some train must
} fall".
}
} You owe the Oracle a presidential campaign based on getting the trains
} to run ahead of schedule.


469-06    (34242 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Always The Last To Know <CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great sweaty one:
>      Is it bad manners to gut midgets in public, or may this be
>      safely done in crowded restaurants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >>      Is it bad manners to gut midgets in public, or may this be
} >>      safely done in crowded restaurants?
}
} First off, I'm not sweating.  This is water from the pool where Lisa
} and I were skinny-dipping.  You only wish it were sweat, you poor
} excuse for a groveling inquirerer.  Expect a <zot> to be delivered
} by regular mail.
}
} Now then, back to the gutting of midgets.  There are correct ways
} to gut midgets, and incorrect ways.  The gutting done in Monty
} Python's "Meaning Of Life" (the organ donor scene) was done
} incorrectly.  If you are going to gut a midget, then a few certain
} precautions should be taken.
}
} First, never use a dull blade.  Dull blades are boring, and make
} poor coversation.  The proper kind of knife to use can be found
} by referring to table 1 below, "Kind of Knife To Use When Gutting
} A Midget"
}
} Second, the gutting should be done in a central area.  If there is
} a stage or a bar, then use that.  If not, then you can grab a table
} in the center of the restaurant and clear off the settings.  Once the
} midget has been securely fastened to the table, begin to explain
} what you are about to do.  There will be some patrons that have
} never seen a gutting before, and should therefore be allowed to know
} what they're about to see.
}
} The gutting should _NOT_ produce large splurts of blood.  That is
} in bad taste.  Cut carefully so that you don't end up spraying the
} others in the restaurant.  Once he has been properly gutted, cleaned
} and deboned, cut him into small pieces and cook there.  Again, the
} kind of cooking supplies to use depend on the kind of midget.
} Refer to table 2: "Kind of Cooking To Be Used With Midget"
}
} Now, you'll have a nice tasty treat to share with the other patrons.
} Be sure to serve with a vegtable and potato.
}
} Table 1: Kind of Knife To Use When Gutting A Midget
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} Kind of Midget              Kind of knife
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} French                      Bread knife
} English                     Butter knife (all those crumpets)
} Japanese                    Ginsu
} American                    Chainsaw *
} Klingon                     Knife with fold out wings (ala ST:III)
} Amber                       Wait for one of his syblings
} Hobbit                      "Sting"
} Taun-taun                   Lightsaber
}
} Table 2: Kind of Cooking To Be Used With Midget
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} Kind of Midget              Kind of cookware
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} French                      Conventional oven.  Serve with wine.
} English                     Serve with tea.
} Japanese                    Wok
} American                    Microwave
} Klingon                     Serve alive
} Amber                       Depends on shadow
} Hobbit                      Open fire
} Taun-taun                   Frozen
}
} You owe the Oracle dinner.


469-07    (12831 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most tasty Oracle,
> whose spice adds to every meal and who now has *50% less* calories
> per kilogramm,
> please tell me:
> How long have Corn Flakes been around on Earth before somebody had
> the idea to actually *eat* that stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, corn flakes aren't actually made of corn.  They are a
} type of fungus which is found only in *very* rural sections of Kansas
} and Nebraska.  About six hundred years ago, they were discovered by a
} tribe of Indians known as the Kelloggs.  The Kelloggs, intrigued by the
} texture of this fungus, attempted to build with it.  This was
} discontinued after the first rainstorm wiped out the entire village.
} The Kelloggs continued to cultivate the fungi, however, hoping that
} they would discover a use for them eventually.
}
} Three hundred years after that, the Kelloggs had developed huge fields
} of the flake fungi.  They had still found no use for it, but were
} working on a way to waterproof it so they could build with it again.
} About this time, the Europeans came rampaging through America, killing
} as many Indians as possible and taking over the land.  The Kelloggs
} were wiped out, and as the last was dying, he shouted "Annatakka meyno
} shoka eat nomo curn flaykes!" which translates, "I hope you build your
} house with those, you &*%$@*!" The man who killed him, on hearing this,
} said "What?  Eat no more corn flakes?" and proceeded to break one off a
} log and munch on it.
}
} Europeans being as money-minded as they are, it is not surprising that
} not only did this "food" get marketed, but people actually came to
} believe it was healthy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to keep his corn flakes crunchy after he pours
} milk on them.


469-08    (12561 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise and knowing oracle.  Giver of knowledge most unknown,
> please answer my most humble of questions:
>
> On Star Trek, the Next Generation, Data once quoted a lymeric:
>
>                       There once was a young girl from Venus
>                       Whose body was shaped like a . . .
>
> I never got to find out how the rest of it went.  O oracle, please
> complete this limeric for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The poem that Data was stopped from reciting was not a limeric,
} but an obscure 22nd century poetry form called "The 11 faces of Eve".
} It is similar to the 19th century "Exquisite Corpse" technique, except
} the poet uses nanite-based pharmaceuticals to temporarily fragment
} the mind into 11 segments - a type of artificial schizophrenia. Each
} mind fragment takes control and writes one line of poetry after reading
} only the line produced by  the previous fragment. The poem in question
} was Data's own creation after a bit judicious use of a wireclipper
} and ceiling mirror. (Geordy was able to resolder most of the
} connections the next morning, but that's one hangover Data will never
} forget.) The poem:
}
}  There once was a young girl from Venus
}  Whose body was shaped like a humanoid life form
}  Hear her! Hear her roar!
}  In numbers too great, too great, to ignore!
}  And yet ... darkness
}  Darkness
}  Be my pillow
}  Cause she knows not to pretend
}  Cause she's been down there on the floor
}  And she aint never gonna get back down again
}  Nevermore
}
} Notice that the 11 part mental fragmentation is incomplete: it looks
} like only 5 or 6 pseudopersonalities were involved in writing.
} Furthermore, Data, as is his wont, simply plagiarizes bits and pieces
} from historic giants of the poetic world. All together, about a D-
} effort.
}
} Interestingly, Data was stopped in mid-recitation because Picard
} thought the next word would be "Cunnilingus". This is just like a
} Frenchman, to assume everything is a crass reference to sex. If the
} poem _had_ been a limerick, it would have been the tasteful:
}
}  There once was a young girl from Venus
}  Whose body was shaped like a bus
}  We all piled in
}  To go for a spin
}  And I ended up needing a truss.
}
} You owe the oracle a word that rhymes with "door hinge".


469-09    (34602 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:    Personnel Department
> To:      The Usenet Oracle
> Subject: Oracular Priests Performance Report -- Second Quarter 1992
>
> Please review this quarter's Priests Performace Summary.  As
> usual, please recommend any appropriate personnel actions.
>
>                                     Average     Number of
>                                   Oracularity Oracularities  High  Low
>              Priest                  Score      Published   Score Score
> --------------------------------- ----------- ------------- ----- -----
> dvk (Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein))     3.60          1        3.6   3.6
>   ewhac (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)     3.57          6        4.5   2.6
>    csf7m (Carole Susan Fungaroli)     3.38         13        3.8   3.0
>         porter (Russell S Porter)     3.29          7        3.6   3.0
>               karyanta (Karyanta)     3.25          8        4.0   2.6
>                          davis ()     3.22          9        4.3   2.4
>                mcgee (RICH MCGEE)     3.17         10        4.2   2.8
>              buck (Jesse Buckley)     3.13         12        3.7   2.6
>         dcharlet (dale charletta)     3.10          9        3.6   2.2
>              disser (Dave Disser)     3.02         11        4.0   1.8
>                   noe (Roger Noe)     3.02          9        3.6   2.4
>            mcglk (Ken McGlothlen)     3.01         12        3.7   2.3
>                         forbes ()     2.98         10        3.6   2.4
>           bremner (David Bremner)     2.98          8        3.4   2.7
>      clhp19 (Clutching at Straws)     2.97         23        4.2   1.9
>           nolan (Harold the Foot)     2.96         18        3.8   2.2
>               dsew (David Sewell)     2.95         11        3.3   2.2
>                 4164 (Otis Viles)     2.95          2        3.0   2.9
>            mzintl (Michael Zintl)     2.91         16        3.5   2.2
>        jhm (The Lion of Symmetry)     2.90         21        3.7   2.4
>           squid (The Great Squid)     2.90          4        3.2   2.3
>         sgccmmc (Mark McCafferty)     2.89         24        3.6   1.9
>    asbestos (Michael A. Atkinson)     2.87         18        3.8   2.0
>           cep (Christophe Pettus)     2.82         16        3.6   2.0
>      stcmille (Stephen C. Miller)     2.80         12        3.3   2.0
>                radel (Todd Radel)     2.79         22        3.3   2.4
>               greg (Greg Wohletz)     2.67          7        3.3   2.1
>      gt2126b (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)     2.64         14        3.1   2.3
>           engel (Mike Engelhardt)     2.48          5        2.8   1.9
>       jonmon (Jonathan Monsarrat)     2.20          1        2.2   2.2
>                        mycroft ()     2.20          1        2.2   2.2

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle commends all of its fine priests, and sees no reason
} to mention the merengue-wax-paper-and-Wesson-oil incident involving the
} anonymous priests Carole, Rich, Ken, Mark, and the Squid and the
} Landers sisters. Clearly the charges against Leo are patently false
} (although the Oracle is still waiting for his cut), and the Oracle
} shall not comment further on the "Party Cruise with Dan Quayle and The
} New Kids On The Block" debacle, except to say, "Shame!  Shame!" and
} "Where are my negatives?"
}
}       In fact, any priest earning a score of 4 or more on an
} Oracularity shall forthwith be rewarded with a hand-carved liverwurst
} statue of their favorite left-handed Scientologist.  Any priest with an
} average score of 3 or better shall receive a free copy of the
} best-seller, "Acting, the Lou Ferrigno Way!".  Those priests meeting
} neither of these qualifications shall be relegated to the little-known
} Eleventh Circle of Hell, where they will be taught by the esteemed
} faculty: Tammy Bakker on Hygiene, Lyndon LaRouche on The Role of the
} Monarchy in Modern Drug Trade, Bob Dylan's Speech Therapy, and McLean
} Stevenson's Making It in Television.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a thesis comparing the results of a
} five-factor factor analysis to a cluster analysis, or the
} aforementioned negatives.


469-10    (62601 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> First I get down on my knees,
> fiddle with my rosaries,
> bow my head in great respect and...
> GENUFLECT!  GENUFLECT!  GENUFLECT!
>
> So, what do you think?  Will California split into 2 states (North and
> South, and I mean POLITICALLY, not because of a 'quake)?  If so, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, far out dude. this is like totally bizarre, my very first day
} as an Oracle and aready some dude with a question related to my
} state of being!
} Well, you see, in California there's, like, a totally different
} attitude to life. There's the laid back, essentially open, honest,
} cool calm and collected (THE WUMPUS IS COMPING TO GET ME!) way of
} living, and on the other hand we have the totally unrealistic way
} in which the rest of the world views such essentail SHARED resources
} as money, food, Grateful Dead CDs, network news and image storage
} space. It's not North and South California; It's Berkeley &
} un-Berkeley. So just take care to be on the right side of the fence
} when they wall us in.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing - capatalism is'nt the Oracle's thing at the
} moment.


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