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Internet Oracularities #47

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47, 47-01, 47-02, 47-03, 47-04, 47-05, 47-06, 47-07, 47-08, 47-09, 47-10


Usenet Oracularities #47
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:24 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
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47-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is Daniel Ortaga, dictator of Nicaragua, such a jerk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now, Oraclite, put yourself in his position.  Here you are, a third
} rate dictator to a third rate country, of which its only claims to fame
} are illegal drugs and a big ditch, which wasn't even built by your own
} country.  Add to that the fact that the weather is always hot and
} sweaty, you know what humidity can do to one's temperment, not to
} mention all of your generals and advisors always trying to get your job.
} And on top of all that, CIA agents are chasing you around, the economy
} sucks, AND you have the WORST case of acne you have EVER seen.  With all
} those problems, I believe even I, The Oracle, would have trouble being
} cheerful and nice all the time.  Gee, the gall of some people.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Central American country and a shipment of
} drugs(the holiday assortment).


47-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my living room suddenly full of these fucking murderous elves?  I
> do not like elves when they are trying to kill me.  c

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously have a leak in the back of your computer and have been
} playing Adventure too much.  The elves with the knives are escaping from
} the back of your system.  The solution to your problem is to take the
} small pointy knife when it is thrown at you and throw it back at the
} elves which will die and disappear in a cloud of black smoke.


47-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a lexical asfdojih, and why does the very thought of the word
> make me jump so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The definition for Lexical is not so hard to find.  Webster's Unabridged
} Dictionary Oracular Ed.  defined it as such:
}
} Lexical (lex-a-kel) adj.  returns information about character strings
} and attributes of the current process.  see also IRS.
}
} To find the definition for "asfdojih", I had to delve deeply into the
} *Official* Oracular Dictionary of Strange Made Up Words.  It said this:
}
} Asfdojih (ass-fe-doe-jee) n.  a condition under which a person's
} buttocks clench spastically, causing the afflicted to "dojih", ancient
} Sumerian for "jump slightly as if startled or prodded by the horns of a
} ram".  see also goose.
}
} Therefore, it is not surprising the very thought of Lexical Asfdojih
} makes you feel like jumping...it is returning to you information on how
} a person afflicted with asfdojih feels.
}
}
} Or, if you don't like that, they are aborigine words of black magic, and
} every time you repeat them to yourself, you become more like a kangaroo.
}
} You owe me a whoopee cushion and a kangaroo.


47-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did Hansel and Gretel panic about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hansel and Gretel were child prodigies, but came from broken homes.
} They met in a shelter for runaways, and at age 16, decided to become
} lovers.  On their daily frolic to a deep, secluded part of the nearby
} forest, they came upon a house made entirely of candy.  Hansel, a
} budding architect, panicked at the thought of using a sugar-based
} building material in such a damp climate.  Gretel was the sturdier of
} the two, and did not even panic when greeted by a butt-ugly old woman
} practicing the supernatural.  Gretel did eventually panic, although it
} is not known whether she panicked at the thought of rent control
} making candy housing unaffordable for the poor, or at the consequences
} of the big bad wolf invading from the forest of the fairy tale next
} door.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Mars bar and one trowel.


47-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My SO just kicked me in the balls and hit me over the head with an
> ironing board.  Is this a bad sigh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle perceives that you meant to type "sign" rather than "sigh."
} No, this is an excellent sign.  Clearly she desires you to be entirely
} hers; unless you want to sleep around a bit, or aren't certain that you
} love her, you should be very happy.  She is insanely in love with you,
} and desires your head (seat of your intellect) and genitals (seat of
} your sexual power) to be utterly devoted to her, and is punishing them
} because she thinks that they are not.
}
} The Oracle suggests that you embrace her passionately and crush her body
} against yours -- for starters.


47-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do rock stars enjoy such a reproductive advantage in our society?
> What is it about their behavior that attracts the opposite sex?
> Is it because the guitar looks like a big, appropriately positioned
> phallic symbol?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's strictly due to apparent self-confidence, which is the _only_ thing
} that a man needs to attract a woman, and almost as important as beauty
} in a woman for attracting a man.  Look, it requires a vast amount of
} self- confidence to get up on a rock-concert stage and howl incoherent
} rubbish to third-rate music -- one would expect that the normal reaction
} to such a thing would be volleys of rotten vegetables and buckets of
} slightly aged shit.  Similarly it requires incredible _chutzpah_ to sell
} honest, hard- working folk a lot of noise under the name of music.  Any
} day now the world in general might see through these frauds, and they
} damned well know it, and nevertheless they go on, because they know that
} they are effectively in power.  Power is sexy, and rock stars reek of
} power.
}
} The Oracle disagrees that these vermin have a _reproductive_ advantage.
} A _sexual_ one, certainly, but they are often sterile or impotent or
} both from abusing their bodies with drugs.  The female ones get
} abortions until their bodies automatically miscarry.  One would hope
} that the breed of rock star will die out, but the pool of rock-star
} genes in the general population is large, and the rock stars that become
} famous enough to be barren are relatively few in number, so that these
} noisome, ugly creatures with howling voices and minimal talent will be
} with us indefinitely
}
} The Oracle knows that you disagree with Its opinions on rock music, but
} you must agree that Its basic idea is correct.  Any kid who resembled
} Michael Jackson or Prince and went to a normal high school in an
} industrial town in the Midwest would be called a ``faggot'' by his peers
} and beaten up several times a day, but there's something attractive to
} women in a man who can get away with it in the Real World.


47-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last night, I took off all my clothes, locked the door, and went to bed.
> I woke up today with short black fur all over my body, a long hairless
> tail, and wearing an electric orange blue blazer and maroon and violet
> checked rubber gloves.  What is happening to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are undergoing a metamorphosis, obviously.  However, the form you
} are wearing is merely a protective shell over your true one.  Press your
} right thumb against the inside of the left corner of your jawbone (below
} the ear) and your left thumb against the corresponding right corner.
} Your skin will split in half from forehead to crotch, and you will be
} able to peel it off readily, revealing...well, suffice to say that no
} man will be able to resist the new you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with your new self.


47-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> does john holmes pass out every time he gets a little excited?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When I was still at God U., we talked about this person in class.  Since
} I had been in my female incarnation, I'd never heard of him, but all the
} ones in their male incarnation had.  I'll ask one of them your question.
}
} ...  Ok, I'm back now.  He said that you are being too specific, & that
} you should look for the symbology in his body of work.
}
} You owe the oracle a real question.


47-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh might oracle,
>
>               What is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think the following quotes by various late 20th century philosophers
} answer your question:
}
} "Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
} restraint." -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
}
} "Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom
} is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not
} music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
}
} "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it
} flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
} --Matt Groening
}
} You owe the oracle 2000 new fortunes.


47-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does one get their questions posted in the Usenet Oracularities
> postings in rec.humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One does not "get" their question in rec.humor.  One is CHOSEN.
}
} The Oracle's answers, while always witty, are not often funny.  Hence,
} The Oracle has employed some graduate student sex-slaves to cull through
} all the responses and chose (on the Oracle's permission) a sampling of
} the more humorous queries and responses.
}
} Owing to the fact that one of these slaves was particularily frisky last
} night, and the fact that the Oracle's coffee machine is broken, this
} response is not too funny.  Hence, don't look for this one in rec.humor.
} In fact, I defy my slaves to post it there!
}
} The Oracle would also like to point out that good responses require GOOD
} questions and yours is not of that genre.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Henny Youngman joke.


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