} Congratulations, you groovy, grovel-less supplicant. Your
} question has been selected as one of an elite few that will be
} answered by none other than Judith Martin herself... Miss
} Manners! (Insert polite clapping from a well-to-do, snooty,
} upscale studio audience somewhere in Massachusetts.)
} Oracle: Now, Judith. . .
} Miss Manners: (ahem-ing in an irritated fashion) Judith? Oh
} dear. I don't believe we know one another QUITE that well, now
} do we? Let's keep this more impersonal, shall we, *Mister*
} Oracle: Fine Judy. I mean Manners. Miss..., that is, Ms.
} Martin. Whatever. It's just great of you to come on down to our
} little priesthood and help out the fun guys and gals who try to
} put a little zest into their meaningless lives by playing with
} the Usenet Oracle. Sure, we know they're a bunch of nose-picking
} swabs without much of a (heh-heh) *raison d'etre* you might say,
} but hell! (Shrugs) We're just a zany group! What can I say?
} Miss Manners: As little as possible, I hope. May I have the
} first question, please?
} Oracle: Sure thing, Judy-Judy-Judy. The first question comes
} from a dumb f-ck in California who's feeling a little out of the
} single's scene. From what I can tell, he's a real loser with a
} horn growing out of his forehead from not enough sex, and he sits
} around late at night playing with the Oracle when he can't find
} any good threads on alt.sex.bondage. His name is Mewler P.
} Toadsucker, and he asks: "Great Oracle, tell me, what size
} nipple ring should I get? Is 12ga. too large?" (The audience
} gasps. Miss Manners looks dismayed. She struggles gamely to
} regain her composure.) So whatcha think, Jude-a-roonie? *IS*
} 12ga. too large? Comment? Suggestion?
} (An uncomfortable silence ensues. Finally Miss Manners clears
} her throat, develops a determined set to her finely-chiseled jaw,
} and responds)
} Miss Manners: Well. That certainly beats anything I've received
} in MY mailbag lately! But manners are manners, and correct is
} correct. There is only one right way to handle almost ANY
} situation, and nipple rings are certainly no exception. I say
} that unless you're Coco Chanel you can't get away with mixing
} silver and gold, so make certain that your cock rings, your labia
} piercings, and any other assorted piercings that you may
} sport--say, for instance, a fashionable Prince Albert pierce at t
} the head of your uncircumcised penis, or a big, honkin' clitoral
} pierce with matching side rings on the labial lips--match one
} another. Some fine Southern families have been known to pass on
} monogrammed rings for generations; a sort of mother-to-daughter
} gift that is never quite forgotten. Nipple rings (not unlike
} napkin rings), are meant to be viewed and are decorative rather
} than functional. Oh, sure, you can certainly hang objects from
} them, and many individuals find that the thrill of a delayed
} orgasm is heightened by tugging on the rings just at the moment
} when, shall we say, les bonnes temps roulets!, but mostly they
} are there for shock value, so make them large. Make them nasty
} large. Hell, make those mothers stand up and salute the...
} (As Miss Manners gets into her monologue, she begins to lean
} forward and salivate. The Oracle signals the manager to cut to a
} commercial as the horrified audience gasps and shrieks in terror.
} Organ music fade in!)
} Oracle: Oh Judy, you vixen, I knew you had it in you! That's
} all for now, folks. Stay tuned for Meet The Priest, where
} members of the Oracular Priesthood step forward and get pelted
} with smelly sewage froan entire audience of sore losers. This is
} the Usenet Oracle saying good night, and may all your piercings
} be uninfected!
} (Applause, from one lone cameraman left in the studio.)
} You owe the Oracle a Taste of Latex.