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Internet Oracularities #471

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471, 471-01, 471-02, 471-03, 471-04, 471-05, 471-06, 471-07, 471-08, 471-09, 471-10


Usenet Oracularities #471    (4 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 12:30:25 -0500

@@@ Jump for joy, the Usenet Oracle is back.
@@@ Feel free to ask and answer, but prepare for bugs on occasion.
@@@ Kudos to Steve for getting it working, let's get down to business.
@@@                        --JRP [Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU]

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   471
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

471    4 votes 20200 00310 02101 00310 11200 00310 00220 03010 03100 00211
471   2.9 mean  2.0   3.2   3.0   3.2   2.2   3.2   3.5   2.5   2.2   3.8


471-01    (20200 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, whose presence in the universe makes it
> happy enough to tolerate the presence of lowly ones such as I,
>
> Scott keeps asking me to marry him.  I usually give him some excuse for
> not doing so, such as "Sorry, I have to clean out the garbage
> disposal." I fear that he may now suspect that I am not interested.
>
> Am I in a lot of trouble here?  Must I emigrate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't have to emigrate, but section 7 of the Prospective Domestic
} Partnership Standards (promulgated by the Vice President's Council on
} Making Everyone Just Like Him) does require you to move to another
} state, change your name, have two children out of wedlock, enroll on
} welfarem abd wear ugly shoes.  Who do you think you were, shunning your
} divinely ordained role as mother, provider, and slave to your lord and
} master?  What kind of Communist country do you think this is, anyway?
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of four hours of colorized Ozzie and
} Harriet.


471-02    (00310 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't my computer talk to me the way that my dog does...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeing as how you didn't grovel or anything, I could just give you the
} simple answer: "Marketing surveys show that 84% of all potential
} computer buyers would object to a machine that tried to lick their
} face."
}
} Still, I feel I should tell you about an upgrade by which you can get
} a lot of dog communication software.  It's called DOG (short for "Dog's
} Orthogonal (to) GNU) and includes several commands that have been
} unaccountably omitted from GNU.  Like GNU, DOG is still very much in
} development, and its utilities have an unfortunate tendency to leave
} little core dumps all over your system.
}
} In terms of communication, DOG systems may interact with standard UNIX
} systems, but only if the DOG system has been trained in the handshake
} protocol.  Some DOG systems are also trained to sit, beg, and roll
} over.  Also of note is that passing a "kill -37" causes a process to
} "play dead"- the process appears to go away but continues to gobble CPU
} cycles and memory, and inexplicably comes back two minutes later.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Milk-Bones.


471-03    (02101 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there!  Welcome to the Usenet
} Oracle!  I see this is your first
} visit.  Perhaps you'd like to
} hear some of the traditions most
} people adhere to when submitting     OH GEEZ.  ANOTHER EMPTY QUESTION.
} questions to the Oracle:             THAT'S THREE TODAY!
}
} - It's customary to open with a      AM I REALLY SUPPOSED TO PUT UP
}   complimentary sentence or two,     WITH THIS NONSENSE?
}   known as a "grovel".  Something
}   like "Dear Oracle, whose eyes      YOU IDIOT!  WHY DIDN'T YOU EVEN
}   I am not worthy to meet in         TAKE THE TIME TO *LEARN* A LITTLE
}   dreams, please answer my lowly     SOMETHING ABOUT MAIL BEFORE
}   mortal's question."  After all,    TRYING THIS!
}   you are addressing an omni-
}   potent, omniscient being here.     THAT'S IT!  I'VE HAD IT!  I'M
}                                      THROUGH WITH THIS!
} - Empty questions, such as yours,
}   are frowned upon.  The all-        HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF
}   powerful Oracle does not take      YOUR DUMB QUESTION MADE THE
}   kindly to having her (or his)      DIGEST? YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T
}   time wasted simply because you     EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL IT FROM
}   are unfamiliar with your mail      ALL THE REST OF THE STUPID
}   utility.                           EMPTY QUESTIONS.  HEH HEH HEH.
}
} - The best questions are selected    YEAH, RIGHT.  AS IF THIS EVEN
}   and posted in the Oracularities    HAS A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE.
}   Digest.  As a participant in
}   the Usenet Oracle, your highest    GET A LIFE, PAL.  SELL YOUR
}   goal is to have your question      COMMODORE 64 AND PUT A DOWN
}   or answer posted to the digest.    PAYMENT ON A CLUE.
}   The best questions and answers
}   are usually, but not always,       AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL
}   the funniest.                      YOU'VE READ THE MAIL MANUAL
}                                      THREE TIMES.
} Well, there you have it.  Better
} luck in the future.  We hope you     GO AWAY AND LET THE PEOPLE
} enjoy the Oracle!                    WHO CAN TYPE HAVE A CHANCE.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.       YOU OWE THE ORACLE A QUESTION!


471-04    (00310 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You make me sad, Oracle.  We Supplicants know you are all-powerful
> and magnificent and all that, that's why we're always coming to
> you for answers.  So what's the point of <ZOT>ting us when we
> don't please you?  I mean, of course we're stupid and annoying,
> that's why we're Supplicants!  If we piss you off that much, why
> bother answering our questions?  I would think <ZOT>ting would
> be beneath someone of your cosmic scope and omniscience.  I guess
> I was wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Perhaps the following scenario may enlighten your quark-sized
} intellect as to why the Oracle dispenses <ZOT>'s:
}
}       Your two-year-old child, already smarter than you, has decided
} that kitchen implements can be used in place of percussion instruments.
} Routinely, he pulls them from the cabinets, and in his best Buddy Rich
} imitation, repeatedly pounds on them in rhythms far too complex for
} your enfeebled brain stem to process, so that the pounding in virtually
} idistinguishable from that of random noise.  Your creamed-corn-like
} neuron firings cannot grasp the reasons behind this incessant pounding,
} but because "of course, (he's) stupid and annoying, that's why (he's) a
} (two-year-old)!"
}
}       Your boss, still pondering the cosmic misfortune that saddled
} him with a planktonesque employee, calls you long distance one evening
} because he desperately needs some information very very rapidly (that
} means "fast," by the way, so you don't have to go look it up in your
} Dr. Seuss dictionary), but unfortunately, the connection is only
} slightly less feeble than that between your medula and your cerebral
} cortex, and his voice is quiet and indistinct.  Suddenly, Junior
} decides that this is the perfect time for an impromptu concert, and
} you, fascinated by the Ornette Coleman-like riffs he generates, feel
} compelled not to stop him, lest he become uppity at your seemingly
} callous insistence that he stop behaving in a "stupid and annoying"
} manner.  As the child continues, your boss grows frustrated because you
} do not respond to him, and since this is even more sluglike than
} normal, even from your microscopic mental process, he hangs up, your
} company goes bankrupt, and your two-year-old is forced to sell you for
} scientific experimentation to afford enrollment in a foster home
} program.
}
}       You see, stupid and annoying behavior is expected of Supplicants,
} but this is not to say that it should be rewarded.
}
}       You owe the Oracle three steps to the left...yes..one more...
}
}       <ZOT!>


471-05    (11200 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh mighty Oracle, why women only have 2 tits.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Creator thought it wise to give equal number of tits to females as
} there are hands to a male.


471-06    (00310 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Strange and Mystical Well of Knowledge,
>
>       Why can't they invent a paper-shredder that only shreds one side
> of a document?  I mean, I'm supposed to shred these memos for my boss,
> but, like, they're only on one side of the paper, and if you just
> shredded that side, you could use the other for note paper and save a
> lotta trees.
>
>       Whaddaya think, Oracle?
>
>                                       Signed, Two-Face

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps it isn't a shredder that you actually require.  If the object
} is simply to render the memos illegible, then I propose that you need
} only a pet bird under which to place the memos.  Having a Avian
} Document Obscurer in the workplace has several advantages:
}
} It can double as a corporate mascot.
}
} It can provide pleasant background noise to alleviate aural stress.
}
} It can obscure only one side of a memo unless you flip the memo over
} after a few days.
}
} It can act as an early-warning for employees that their managers are
} trying to kill them with poison gas.
}
} It can help reduce stationery costs:  The reverse side of memos which
} it obscures just one side of can be re-used as "yellow stickies."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cat.


471-07    (00220 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and infinitely powerful Oracle,
>       I recently sent you some questions, and you did your usual
> excellent and terrific job of answering all of them except one.
> I had asked:
>
> >     Why did my last girlfriend act like a psycho and dump me for no
> >             apparent reason and no explanation whatsoever, no hints,
> >             not a single indication until I drive 4 hours to see
> >             her and she tells me she's started dating someone else?
>
> And in response you said:
>
> } 6) Beats me.
>
> (the  6) is referring to the question number, and was not a warped
> "smiley face" )
>
>       In the hope that the previous response was merely the result of
> an inattentive or careless acolyte, I humbly beseech you again for
> enlightenment.
>
>                                       Your continuously self-
>                                       abasing supplicant,
>                                       Me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Wee and Tim'rous Beastie of a Supplicant, your plight, as well as
} your self-abasement (and, incidentally, your praises to me, which could
} have used a *touch* more grovel here and there) have been noted.
}
} Argh.  I hate it when the system goes to Hell like that.  I have to
} admit, I've been tinkering with the ol' Arcturian Mega-Cray lately in
} hopes of writing a little batch file that would intercept some of the
} supplicants' questions when I'm pouring the whip-cr... ehr, in the
} middle of something that can't get interrupted easily. Like a board
} meeting.  You understand those, don't you?
}
}       *SIGH*, you're not the first to ask me what's going on, and why
} is it that my answers seem lame occasionally, out of context.  Let me
} explain.  The batch file doesn't always take into account little
} trivial things like, oh...dimensional barriers, vibratory plane
} frequencies, astral duplex, and little known things like the Law of
} Baryon Conservation.  So sometimes, RARELY, your answer makes no sense.
} It's because it isn't your answer, supplicant.  Let me show you what I
} mean.  Your answer was:
}
}       6) Beats me.
}
} If you hadn't numbered you questions, the little retrieval daemon
} wouldn't have gotten confused.  Plus you mailed that off just after
} midnight, first time around.  You have no idea how that throws off
} internal clocks over dimensional datelines.  That answer was supposed
} to go to an alt.sex.bondage subscriber at oak.oakland.edu, which was
} fortunate for you because California is only a couple of dimensions out
} of touch with reality.  He was surprised too, because his questions
} was:
}
} } Yo!  Whoa!  Whoaaaa!  Haaalp!  Oracle!  Oracle?  ORACLE!  I need some
} } serious <*CRASH*> advice, man {*WOMBA*}{*WOMBA*}{*WOMBA*}...an' like,
} } I need it (*(*(*A-HUXGA!*)*)*) FAST!  Like, what are those forty-two
} } steps to the perfect climax when tied to a Bustin' Bronco (tm) Rodeo
} } Robot when your girl's got the riding crop, hot oils, and mini-thong
} } monokini ready? Whooooooa! <*Toss*>.....
}
} Well, I was busy at the time, but the database has this particular
} recipe on-line for just these emergencies.  For him, it was just a
} matter of sending the point-form note version to get things going.
}
} Unfortunately for him, couched between
}
}       5) Lisa spreads the hot oils all over my body
}
} and
}
}       7) Then she applies the chainsaw delicately to the parts we
}          discussed in step 3.  Careful now...
}
} he didn't get the right step 6, which is
}
}       6) Beats me.
}
} Instead, he went home that night feeling really miserable because he
} followed my advice to the letter, which just happened to be
}
}       6) Yes, well Supplicant, I can empathize with your girl acting
}          like a psycho like that, but your mature attitude in
}          questioning her actions shows that there's hope for you yet.
}          Your girlfriend, on the other hand, I wouldn't want to meet
}          in a dark alley with a live chainsaw, with a behavioural
}          problem like that.
}
} *sigh*, well, you can see what happened when he got to step seven.
}
} You owe the Oracle the materials required for steps 8 thru 14.


471-08    (03010 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How to get up-tight corporate robots to loosen up and enjoy life a
> little?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Darvon in coffee.
}
} Owe Oracle complete sentence and correspondance course in shorthand.


471-09    (03100 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I want to be an Oracle when I grow up;
> Dan Quayle wants to be President.
>
> Which of us is better qualified?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} Well, let's see... you've already passed the first stage, which is
} spelling Oracl with that little dangly bit of an 'e' at the end.
}
} You have to be a quick study at grovelling, something we'll have to
} work on, I'm afraid.  You're a miserable groveller.  You didn't even
} *abase* yourself in the slightest.  I've SLAIN THOUSANDS for less.  I
} blew up a mountain the other day just because some uppity druid crawled
} up the the peak, where I was bathing in the molten rock, and had the
} TEMERITY to ask yet another question on WOODCHUCKS!
}
} Oh no, I'm afraid "Dear Oracle" just doesn't cut it anymore.  You lose
} a mark there.
}
} Lastly, you've got to be able to squeeze bricks into dust with your
} bare hands, be proficient with a <ZOT!>, have a quick temper, and an
} attitude you couldn't pack into the cargo hold of a 747 if you were
} thinking of going on an ego trip.  Frequently.  And you need a willy
} the size of a Dodge Dart.  And, oh yes, you have to be immortal,
} omniscient, omnipotent, indestructible, and have a willy the size of...
} wait, I already mentioned that.  Well, you can never be too careful
} with your Dart.
}
} Frankly, I just don't see it happening.  Oracles are Oracles, and
} Supplicants are Supplicants, and never the twain shall meet...and all
} that, you know?
}
} Then again...if I stop and consider Danny Quayle as president...
}
} I'd say it's a tie.
}
} You owe the Oracle the cargo hold of a 747.


471-10    (00211 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In preface to my question, the following lines:
>
> "You were silly like us; your gift survived it all;
> The parish of rich women, physical decay,
> Yourself, mad Ireland hurt you into poetry,
> Now Ireland has her madness and her weather still,
> For poetry makes nothing happen, it survives,
> In the valley of its saying where executives would
> Never want to tamper; it flows south,
> From ranches of isolation and the busy griefs,
> Raw towns that we believe and die in; it survives,
> A way of happening, a mouth."
>       ---W.H. Auden, from "In Memory of W.B. Yeats"
>
> My question is:
>
>  "If poetry makes nothing happen, what does an M.B.A. do?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You were greedier than us; your graft surpassed us all;
} The purses of rich women, fiscal melee,
} Yourself, mad speculation urged you into business school,
} Now Wall Street has your money and you're in jail,
} For leveraged buyouts make nothing happen, nothing survives,
} In the valley of bankrupcy where executives would
} Receive ridiculously large bonuses; moeny flows,
} From closed factories and the unemployed,
} Dead towns that homeless die in; it survives,
} A way of bloodsucking, a mouth."
}       ---T.U. Oracle, from "In Memory of Ivan Boesky"
}
} My answer is:
}
}   "An M.B.A. makes nothing happen, too."


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