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Internet Oracularities #473

Goto:
473, 473-01, 473-02, 473-03, 473-04, 473-05, 473-06, 473-07, 473-08, 473-09, 473-10


Usenet Oracularities #473    (4 votes, 2.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1992 16:19:08 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
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For example:
   473
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

473    4 votes 22000 03100 11110 00310 01210 10120 11200 03100 12100 21010
473   2.4 mean  1.5   2.2   2.5   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.2   2.2   2.0   2.0


473-01    (22000 dist, 1.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me great oracle, whose FAQ surpasses all other news groups' in
> clarity and usefulness, please tell me why I will risk my life to pet a
> dog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah...you must take in the possibilities of the universe....one must
} make connections between certain aspects of life....The dog could have
} been/or will be a Great and loyal friend...one of which is rare these
} days....There will always be a path which will lead you to the bond and
} that you must traverse in your mind.....
}
} Also dog spelled backwards is God
} (Don't want to take chances)...


473-02    (03100 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wisest of the wise Oracle, tell thy humble supplicant
>       Is Marylin still alive? (hahahahahaha)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your diabolical laughter gives away your identity. You know as
} well as I do what happened to Marylin, Mr. Kennedy.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Oliver Stone movie.


473-03    (11110 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: ORACLE
>
> Oh Oracle, most great, who makes Bill and Ted look like a couple of
> idiots...no wait, that's not right.
>
> Oh Oracle, most great, who makes Wayne and Garth look like a couple of
> idiots...no, still wrong.
>
> Oh Oracle, most great, who makes George and Danny look like a couple of
> idiots...damn!
>
> Oh Oracle, most great, who makes ... now I've forgotten the question.
>
> Sorry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Makes you look like an idiot, doesn't it?
} You owe the Oracle an intelligence test.


473-04    (00310 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I meet you sometime for a drink?  I find you very sexy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, I cannot meet you for a drink, since I am foremost a virtual
} entity, as ephemeral as a cosmic string, and most bars don't serve
} strings nowadays [see rec.humor].  I can, however, tell you why you
} find me attractive.  Here's the subliminal subtext of a recent dance
} hit:
}
} I'm too sexy for a body
} too sexy for a body
} the way I do my parsing...
}
} I'm the Oracle
} you know what I mean
} and I do my little thing here on iuvax.
} Here on iuvax,
} yeah, on iuvax,
} yeah I do my little thing here on iuvax.
}
} I'm too sexy for my /dev/null;
} too sexy even for Intel;
} too sexy... oh hell.
}
} [repeat chorus]
}
} I'm too sexy for /bin/cat;
} too sexy for iostat;
} whaddya think about that?
}
} [repeat chorus]
}
} I'm too sexy for this answer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a record deal.


473-05    (01210 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck _couldn't_
> chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very little, obviously, since woodchucks who don't chuck wood are
} invariably singled out and mercilessly hacked to death by their
} denmates.  This occurence, known as "Chucking Out", is exceedingly
} rare, since non-chuckers are almost unheard of in nature, and has only
} been filmed once, in 1970, by the crew of Mutual of Omaha's Wild
} Kingdom.  The sequence, deemed too violent by network censors, showed
} in graphic detail a mob of frenzied woodchucks, portruding incisors
} gleaming like scimitars in the sun, descending upon and shredding their
} hapless brother, then stuffing their cheek pouches full in an orgy of
} cannibalistic excess. In a particularly disturbing series of shots, an
} obviously overwrought Marlin Perkins, having apparently stripped off
} his clothes off camera, plunges naked into the melee, repeatedly
} screaming "The horror!  The horror!"  He is ultimately corralled when a
} hysterical Jim Fowler fells him with a tranquilizer dart.
}
} Now you know.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of chucked wood.


473-06    (10120 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, whose mighty nose hairs strike fear into the
> hearts of men twice my size, your humble supplicant begs you to
> answer his question:
>
> What happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This old chestnut again......
}
}       You see you always miss the point. The question isn't so simple,
} what you should take into consideration is how _fast_ the irresistable
} force was moving at the time of the accident. If the two saunter up to
} each other like a couple of Sumo wrestlers then there is a certain
} amount of preliminary grunting and groaning followed by the collapse of
} the laws of nature whereas if they really take a run-up....... SPLAT.
} Here is where your current grasp of physics needs a little re-working
} after the collision the immovable object has _complex velocity_ that is
} to say that its velocity will vary from observer to observer but always
} (as it is essentially immovable) stays at zero. The object is not
} moving it just appears to be thinking about it.
}       As for the irresistable force, it moved to Hawaii and bought a
} hammock.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bus-load of chestnuts and a tooth-pick.


473-07    (11200 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that you're back from Barcelona, could you possibly tell me what
> ever happened to the Olympic Amateur tradition?  What do those "dream
> team" wimps have to do with Olymic spirit?  And why are they such
> arrogant pricks?
>
> (Not that I'd ever call them that to their faces, they're all about
> half a meter taller than I am!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These new amateurs are MUCH better than  previously, since now they are
} professional amateurs.
}
} As for that Olymic spirit, strange that such exotic drinks have found
} their way even to that backwoods you live in. However, seems you are
} unaware that for carbon based life forms Olymic spirit has a side
} effect of turning the consumer into an arrogant 7 feet tall prick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a (7feet - 0.5m) tall arrogant prick.


473-08    (03100 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great mystical oracle, is it true that all serious daring starts from
> within?  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Research has shown that upwards of 95% of serious daring starts from
} within a bottle containing a solution of a colourless volatile
} inflammable liquid, typically in concentrations of between five and
} forty percent.  The intoxicating effect of this substance on
} carbon-based life-forms has been noted in many empirical studies; see
} in particular [Adams 1978] and [Dent 2,000,000 BC].
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster and a really good
} dare.


473-09    (12100 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Oracle most wise, who is greater then the sum of all the
> knowledge in the entire universe or universes, please answer this
> perplexing question of mine.
>    Since mankind already knows how to convers energy to mass or
> vice versa, why can't we warp the space-time continum by generating a
> sufficiently massive object (perhaps a singularity) to bend the
> continum in such a manner so that mankind can travel from point A to
> point B without ever passing the points inbetween? Yes, I realize
> that this would have to be done a sufficient distance from this solar
> system, but the idea seems feasible.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your logic is (as usual) flawed.  In order to move mankind from point
} to point, they will have to move passed the intervening points.  In
} order for two different points to exist, they must have space
} (distance) between them which can consist of an infinite number of
} points.  If you move from Point A to Point B without passing any other
} points, then you have not moved any distance, thus are in the same
} place, and at that point the whole operation becomes very silly.  Even
} if you intended to inquire about how to move instantaneously, with no
} cognition of movement, from point to point, the result would be that
} you had moved mankind a certain distance thus passed other points.  Of
} course, it is possible to move mankind instantaneously from point to
} point and I would tell you how but that's not what you asked.
}
} Besides, have you asked the rest of mankind how it feels about being
} moved?
}
} You owe the Oracle a molecular transporter.


473-10    (21010 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" <stcmille@silver.ucs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear mr/mrs/ms Oracle
>
> Is culture really worth the effort?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You little snot, offering me the *option* of gender, as if you
}  are passing to me some special PRIVILEGE.  I'll bet the world's WEALTH
}  that you've never heard of the term *omni*sexual, huh?? And if you
}  have, you worthless pile of Shoggoth slime, I'll bet it's because you
}  read those STOOOPID newsgroups like "alt.sex" or, for you, you tiny
}  smudge of chocolate on a baby's bottom, "alt.sex.mayonnaise.reptiles."
}   You'd better be glad that I can hold my anger at bay, and not ZOT
}  your EYES right from your WEENIE LITTLE HEAD.  Now, if you don't mind,
}  I'd like to simply answer your worthless, putrid little inquiry.
}
}       First of all, cultures can be made of several different
}  substances, depending on what organism you are interested in growing.
}
}       Bacteria, one-celled microscopic organisms of the plant kingdom
}  (class Schizomycetes) that are capable of free living since they
}  possess all the metabolic processes necessary for growth and
}  reproduction. They are present virtually everywhere, and some can live
}  even in the absence of free oxygen. They can be classified according
}  to (1) shape: cocci (round or oval); bacilli (rod shaped); and
}  spirilla (curved rods); (2) need for oxygen; (3) ability to take up
}  Gram's stain (gram negative or positive); and (4) ability to utilize
}  various metabolites. Some bacteria form spores, hardened protective
}  cases, which permit them to survive harsh environments, even for
}  centuries. Bacteria are a major cause of human disease, and many ways
}  to control them have been devised. Common protective measures include
}  sterilization with high heat (121!C), such as pasteurization to kill
}  pathogenic bacteria in milk, and exposure to chemical disinfectants.
}  Some bacteria and yeasts produce compounds that kill other bacteria,
}  and these have been isolated and used as antibiotics, such as
}  penicillin. The body can produce antibodies to some bacteria to kill
}  them. Bacteria are useful in the production of cheese, alcoholic
}  beverages, and drugs. Through the use of recombinant DNA techniques
}  developed in the 1970s, they can produce such substances as
}  interferon, beta-endorphin, and growth hormone in commercial
}  quantities when the genes for these substances are inserted into the
}  bacterial genetic material.
}
}       If you are interested in growing bacteria, research to find what
}  sort of culture they prefer.  Depending on their shape and size, some
}  prefer ancient culture, while others prefer poststructuralist.  In
}  rare cases, your bacteria will prefer reruns and luke warm beer, or
}  zero culture.
}
}  The Oracle has spoken.
}
}  You owe the oracle a copy of _The Andromeda Strain_, by Michael
}  Crichton.


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