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Internet Oracularities #474

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474, 474-01, 474-02, 474-03, 474-04, 474-05, 474-06, 474-07, 474-08, 474-09, 474-10


Usenet Oracularities #474    (26 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1992 18:38:27 -0500

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474   26 votes 156a4 3c641 05c90 03959 45593 15c62 23d44 21977 16694 254c3
474   3.3 mean  3.4   2.5   3.2   3.8   3.1   3.1   3.2   3.6   3.3   3.3


474-01    (156a4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Roger Noe <noe@cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I am beginning to suspect that my lowly mortal diet is
> deficient in important minerals, like lead and cadmium.  However, when
> I went to the local health food store and asked about lead supplements,
> they weren't sure about them, and tried to sell me vitamin A pills that
> looked large enough to use as doorstops.  Great Oracle, can you tell me
> if there is a US RDA for lead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heavy metal deficiency is a growing, hidden health problem in America
} today.  Medical science cannot even tell how many innocent children are
} struck down by preventable disease, brought on by a lack of dietary
} lead, tellurium, or gallium.  Driven to desparation, some mothers feed
} their children paint chips, computer circuitry, or even raw ores!
} Happily, n answer is at hand: Consolidated Cereals is proud to announce
} its latest line of health-conscious breakfast foods: Heavy-Metal
} Cereals.
}
} Try them all!  Arsenios (in regular and honey-nut flavors!!)
}                By-Product 19 (with radioactivity for the go-getter in
}                you!!) CoCo Puffs (with 200% of the US RDA of ionic
}                cobalt!!) Special K (elemental potassium makes it
}                explode when you add milk!!)
}
} And many, many more!!  Look for the lead-shielded display at a grocer
} near you, and fill the gaps in your periodic kitchen table!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a heaping plate of thulium ravioli, and a frosty
} glass of mercury.


474-02    (3c641 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If I were walking along in some woods in Texas, and a butterfly
> sitting on a tulip in Maine flapped it's wings seventeen times, would
> Bob Dylan's voice sound halfway tolerable, or would a major earthquake
> occur in Malaysia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither.  A hurricane would begin in the Atlantic, stir up the salsa in
} Miami, and try the gumbo in Luisiana.
}
} Due to the danger of such butterflies spawning Atlantic hurricanes,
} Maine has enacted the Flying Insect Eradication Act.  The state house
} was subsequently destroyed by sudden squall from the North Atlantic.
} Coincidence?  I think not!
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed analysis of the effects of Gypsy Moths on
} the El Nino cycle.  (The Oracle knows that the lack of diacritics is
} offensive to Latin eyes, but there is little that can be done until the
} system designers realize that people type more than one language.  I
} think I'll ZOT them all mildly to jar their memory.)


474-03    (05c90 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterious Oracle,
>
> I had a most unusual experience yesterday.  I was working
> on my workstation when a strange feeling came over me.  I felt
> like I was leaving my body.   Everything in the room was gone
> except for the workstation which turned into the most magnificent
> machine I've ever seen.  I heard strange voices.  One voice was
> louder and was talking about woodchucks and wood.  I simply
> didn't understand.  The voices became very urgent and strident
> and wanted me to answer all their questions.  I was becoming
> very frantic when I suddenly came to and found my face on the
> keyboard of my less-than-magnificent workstation.  My nose and
> chin had managed to reboot the machine.
>
> So tell me -- what does this all mean?  Was a cosmically
> significant event?  Or did I just eat too much pizza with
> the works the night before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the
} compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program
} before. The most widely accepted theory about deja boot is that your
} workstation's electrons have jumped quantum levels to connect with a
} workstation in a parallel space-time continuum.  This explains why your
} workstation seemed to have metamorphosed: you were actually in
} communication with a parallel workstation, which is much fancier than
} your old serial workstation.
}
} The business about the woodchucks, however, _was_ due to the pizza.
}
} You owe the Oracle another question that begins with the words:
}
} This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the
} compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program
} before.


474-04    (03959 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Jesus were born today, who would the three wise men be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better you should ask, who WERE they.  Jesus had long planned a second
} coming, and arranged to have himself born to a short-order chef and his
} virgin wife in Needles, California, on December 25, 1977.  Word of His
} incarnation was carried to certain shepherds in Sonora, Mexico, by
} extraterrestrials descending from a UFO that briefly appeared in the
} form of a supernova in the constellation of Cassiopeia.
}
} The shepherds passed word along to their local magi, three Yaqui Indian
} brujos named Gastar, Mejor, and Barato.  They saddled their donkeys and
} set out for the north, taking with them three sacred gifts: saguaro
} fruit, peyote buttons, and a glow-in-the dark Frisbee lost by an
} Arizona State University coed on spring break in Nogales earlier in the
} year, which had been recovered by a street urchin who took it back to
} the village elders.
}
} The Yaqui magi eluded the Border Patrol by travelling at night,
} following the Star, and crossing the border in the middle of Luke Air
} Force base, where they were briefly annoyed by an F-16 on a practice
} run until Barato witched it, turning it into a Mexican freetail bat.
} The three followed the Colorado River safely, sheltered from detection
} by their Cocopa and Mohave Indian brothers along the way.
}
} They very nearly made it to Needles, but their pilgrimage came to an
} abrupt end at the California Agricultural Inspection Station on I-40,
} where a drowsy inspector failed to notice the peyote but was jolted
} sharply awake by unmistakable signs of Mexican galloping mange on
} the donkeys.  In order to prevent the highly infectious disease from
} spreading to California donkey herds, officials impounded and destroyed
} the hapless animals and burned all organic material they carried that
} might harbor the disease.  Only Barato was permitted to keep his
} Frisbee after it had been sprayed with Lysol.
}
} The demoralized brujos consulted and agreed that they couldn't possibly
} greet the newborn King with only one present.  Sadly they turned their
} visages to the south forever.
}
} The infant Jesus was so demoralized by his failure to receive any
} presents that he lost all interest in redeeming mankind and decided to
} grow up as an ordinary boy.  If you're interested, his name is Jason
} Peterzell and he's a sophomore at Needles High, where he is studying
} carpentry in shop class.  Two years ago a vague urging prompted him to
} buy a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee with his newspaper delivery money, but
} today it lies forgotten under the comic books in his closet.
}
} The story has a happy ending, however.  Gastar, Mejor, and Barato
} learned enough from their border crossing to become highly successful
} "coyotes," and after a decade of smuggling well-to-do Central Americans
} across the border they retired to a custom-built house in their native
} village complete with indoor plumbing and satellite TV.  Perhaps the
} only evidence today of their ill-fated quest to honor the Infant King
} is the local superstition, found nowhere else in Sonora, that whenever
} a donkey is lost a horned lizard will be found in its stall--a horned
} lizard that was once a donkey, transformed into a reptile by the angry
} brujo whose path it had foolishly crossed.


474-05    (45593 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@hew.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am nothing but an unworthy soul.
> I am not worthy.
> I know, everybody knows, thou art ye all-powerful, ye greatest of ye
> greatest master oracle of ALL ye oracles that do exist in ye
> multiverse. I bow before thine knowledge of which no mortal dareth
> attempt to understand just how vast, how unlimited it is. Although I do
> not deserve counsel from you, ye great oracle, let me ask but a simple
> question:
> What is ye nature of ye universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THAT old chestnut?  (* chuckle *)  Well, since you seem to have gone
} out of your way to flatter me and win my favor, the least I can do is
} answer this question: but this is the LAST TIME, OK?  Even though I
} exist outside of the limits of space and time as you perceive it, I'm
} not getting any younger.  OK, now, where did I write that down?
}
} [riffling through papers on cosmic desk]  No... nope... no... huh uh...
} no... nope... (damn! Where did I put that thing?)... no...Ah!
}
} [holding a coffee-stained sheet of looseleaf] The Nature of the
} Universe and All Things Really Great Big and Important is... is...
} [squinting] is.......
}
} [an eon passes.  Stars are born, and stars die.  Entire civilizations
}  thrive, progress, expand, and collapse.]
}
} ......is...[squinting harder, turning the sheet clockwise and holding
} closer]
}
} .................is........well, hell.  I can't make this thing out.
} Well, in mortal terms, it's kind of like when you blow up a balloon
} with big polka dots on it, except the dots aren't that big compared to
} the balloon, and you're actually _in_ one of the dots, because dots are
} galaxies, you see, so you blow up this infinite balloon (did I mention
} it was infinite: well, it is), and it takes a really, really, really
} long time to do so, even though "time" is actually a creation of the
} process of the inflated balloon itself, which (of course!) isn't done
} yet, beacuse you've just started and it's infinite and all, and once
} the balloon is finally full size, you pull the nozzle between your
} fingers and make that funny squeaking noise and let out all the air and
} all the dots (which are actually galaxies which actually have you on
} them, but you don't have a balloon because you're busy letting the air
} out of the universe)... all the dots collapse, but they keep going in
} and in and in and in until there's nothing left, not even the balloon
} itself, which is a problem because you are both on the balloon (which
} is now nowhere) and outside the balloon (which is a different nowhere).
}  It's just like that, except that there are no balloons, no people
} blowing them up, and all the dots are actually paralellepipeds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tank of helium.


474-06    (15c62 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man,
>     Play a song fer me-e-e,
>     Ah'm naht sleepy an'
>     There ain't no place ah'm goinn to
>
>     He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man,
>     Play a song fer me-e-e,
>     In the jingle-jangle mahrnin'
>     Ah'll come fah-ah-low yew.
>
> Yer fren', Bob D.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How duz it feee-e-l?
} Oh, how duz it feeel?
} To be a complete mor-oon?
} To be a virtual unkno-o-wn?
} To be re-e-l real ston'd?
} Feel like rolling a bone!
}
} Never thought that anyone would ever ask of me to really
} sing for y-o-ou!!!
} Didn't think that I would have to write a song that would be
} fit for y-o-ou!!!
} This is sumthin' that ah
} laugh about
} Cuz' I can't sing, I just
} scream real louuuud!
} I just sat on a water spout.
} Washed my insides inside out.
}
} Can't find a rhyme so I'd like to make a deealllll
}
} Oh how duz it feee-el?
} Oh, how duz it feel?
} To pay off a college lo-oan?
} To answer a cordless phone?
} To let out a heartfelt moan?
} Feel like rollin' a bo-o-ne!
}
} Yer friend,
} -O. Allmighty
}
} You owe the Oracle a bootleg of a 1967 Dylan performance in a small
} nightclub just outside Reykjavik.  By this Thursday.


474-07    (23d44 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle! most wise I grovel at your shrine for knowledge. Please
> tell me: where did I park my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see.  You parked it behind your wife's car, next to your
} mistress's car, outside the nice doctor's office...
}
} Oh, you meant most recently.  You querants should learn to specify
} these things.  Well, let's see what you did yesterday:
}
} 5:55 am -- Woke up in mistress's bed.  Remembered that wife sets alarm
}            for 6:00 am.  Sped home, narrowly avoiding a ticket (you can
}            thank me later).
}
} 5:58 am -- Leapt in the door -- quietly -- and turned on warmer in
}            coffee maker.  Attempted to scramble eggs.
}
} 6:00 am -- Awakened wife and asked for directions on scrambling eggs.
}            Lied and said coffee was fresh.
}
} 6:15 am -- Dressed and left for work at the university computer
}            complex. Took off Ray-Bans and put on broken glasses.  Took
}            off Ray-Ban case and donned well-worn pocket protector, with
}            pre-leaked pen.  Switched car radio from jazz fusion station
}            to heavy metal/thrash rock station.  Donned earplugs.  Made
}            note (205th this year) to reverse sequence from now on.
}
} 6:45 am -- Arrived at campus.  Noted that parking seemed to be worse
}            this morning than usual.  Made note (354th this year, and it
}            not even September) to take bus from now on.  Trolled for
}            parking.
}
} 7:15 am -- Double-parked between a handicapped space and a tenured full
}            professor's space.  Figured (correctly) that no one would
}            try to tow your car out from between two student
}            crapmobiles.
}
} 7:25 am -- Walked through the door.  Waved to system gods.  Waved to
}            boss. Waved to mistress.  Mistress beckoned -- you left
}            without saying goodbye again.  Claimed to make note, but
}            actually forgot before she left.
}
} 7:45 am -- Beain to deal with clueless newbies.  All thoughts of a car
}            banished from your mind.
}
} [here lies a dull day at work]
}
} 4:45 pm -- Began to have slight twinges of guilt at having parked
}            in a tenured professor's spot.  Decided to knock off early
}            and check your car.
}
} 4:55 pm -- What car? (The student crapmobiles were also gone, having
}            been moved by the students about three seconds ahead of the
}            campus police.)
}
} 4:56 pm -- Cursed.  Vehemently.  In several languages.  People stare.
}
} 5:00 pm -- Called campus police.  Learned that the tow yard is open
}            until 5:30 pm on weekdays.  Hung up on police department.
}
} 5:02 pm -- Consulted Yellow Pages.  Tow yard is found to be a brief
}            distance away and on a bus route; luck was with you.
}
} 5:05 pm -- Commenced waiting for the bus.
}
} 5:23 pm -- Bus arrived.  Cursed.  Iterated until spleen fully vented.
}            Bus left with you on it.
}
} 5:29 pm -- Tow yard already closed for the night, but owner apparently
}            still there.  Waited.
}
} 5:35 pm -- Owner, confronted with crazed compugeek, agreed to release
}            car.  Drove home in serene confidence.
}
} 5:50 pm -- Arrived home to find message from mistress, wanting to see
}            you late evening.  Very important, she said.  Made excuse to
}            wife and bolted dinner and bolted from house.
}
} 6:15 pm -- Arrived at seedy bar cum mistress trysting place.  Noted
}            large man sitting with mistress.  Perspired.
}
} 6:17 pm -- Large man introduced as mistresses little brother, recently
}            released from Leavenworth.  Charge apparently had something
}            to do with unpleasant demise of bro's DI.  Perspired
}            further.
}
} 6:20 pm -- Brother took you for a walk.  Walk turned into drive.  Drove
}            for while, consumed uncounted beers.  Passed out after
}            unexplained clock on noggin.
}
} 5:45 am today -- Awoke in ditch.  Puked.  Looked at sunrise.  Puked
}                  again. Felt for car.  None in evidence.  Hailed cab,
}                  came to work, left message for Oracle.
}
} Well.  It seems your car is most likely parked somewhere between where
} you are and the nearest international border, if it hasn't already
} crossed. I'd advise you to be more careful in selecting your passengers
} in the future.
}
} You owe the Oracle your extra set of car keys -- he'll see what he can
} do.  Heh heh heh.  (Shut up, Sis.)


474-08    (21977 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.sfu.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey guy,
>
>   It's been a couple of years, but I'm back.  What's been going
> on since I left?
>                                    - J

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's about time you got back.  You sparingly-used consonants were
} always ones to show up late.  Anyway, no one has really missed you
} while you were gone.  It's a shame you took Q with you, because U was
} really attached to him. Needless to say, its been very kwiet since.  U
} is over Q, and has been seen forming a bond with O; everyone says they
} are a nice cOUple.  Everyone is pretty pissed about you two going AWOL,
} but the adgustments have been made, and now noone thinks twice about
} you guys.  Most of us thought Q was a goke anyway - put in by the
} Scrabble folks.  I hope your little escapade was worth it, because now,
} as they say, it is time to pay the piper.  I'm sure you'll find me a
} little more forgiving than some of the other letters - perhaps you
} should gust pack up and head back to where you were.  I hear some of
} the new Slavic republics are looking for a few good consonants.  Don't
} expect a letter of recommendation from anyone here though.  Hey, and
} take Q with you. We gust don't need you kwacks around.
}
}                                      - A


474-09    (16694 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       The capital of Poland ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No but that was a good guess.  And since that was your last chance, I
} guess I'll have to tell you.  The answer to 'What have I got in my
} pocket' is in fact: Nothing at all!  That's right, not a ring of power,
} a snub nosed .38, a snot filled hankerchief, a spare set of car keys,
} the Encyclopedia Midterranica, the Ark of the Covenant, Moby Dick (the
} whale, not the book), a dead mouse, a hunk of Kryptonite, a well
} thumbed copy of Troll Lust, a snuff film, my wallet, the Rock of
} Gibralter, the Queen Elizabeth II, some loose change, a pound and a
} half of goat's milk cheese (why you guessed that, even I have no idea),
} a 1972 Chrysler Impala, the moon, Wayne Newton, or even the capital of
} Poland.  And let me say that they were all inspired guesses.  Well,
} maybe the goat's cheese one wasn't too good, but the rest were fine.  I
} just hope you learned your lesson and don't ever try and play twenty
} questions with someone who's omniscient again.
}
} Since you lost, you owe the Oracle the complete works of J.R.R.
} Tolkien.


474-10    (254c3 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, with eyes and brain,
> who many supplicants has slain;
> tell me, why did the Beatles write
> "Lucy in the Sky with Dynamite"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, let me set you right,
} The word you want ain't "dynamite".
} "Diamonds" was what Lucy got
} 'Cause John and Paul were smacked on pot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.


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