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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I am beginning to suspect that my lowly mortal diet is > deficient in important minerals, like lead and cadmium.  However, when > I went to the local health food store and asked about lead supplements, > they weren't sure about them, and tried to sell me vitamin A pills that > looked large enough to use as doorstops.  Great Oracle, can you tell me > if there is a US RDA for lead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heavy metal deficiency is a growing, hidden health problem in America } today.  Medical science cannot even tell how many innocent children are } struck down by preventable disease, brought on by a lack of dietary } lead, tellurium, or gallium.  Driven to desparation, some mothers feed } their children paint chips, computer circuitry, or even raw ores! } Happily, n answer is at hand: Consolidated Cereals is proud to announce } its latest line of health-conscious breakfast foods: Heavy-Metal } Cereals. } } Try them all!  Arsenios (in regular and honey-nut flavors!!) }                By-Product 19 (with radioactivity for the go-getter in }                you!!) CoCo Puffs (with 200% of the US RDA of ionic }                cobalt!!) Special K (elemental potassium makes it }                explode when you add milk!!) } } And many, many more!!  Look for the lead-shielded display at a grocer } near you, and fill the gaps in your periodic kitchen table!!! } } You owe the Oracle a heaping plate of thulium ravioli, and a frosty } glass of mercury.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If I were walking along in some woods in Texas, and a butterfly > sitting on a tulip in Maine flapped it's wings seventeen times, would > Bob Dylan's voice sound halfway tolerable, or would a major earthquake > occur in Malaysia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither.  A hurricane would begin in the Atlantic, stir up the salsa in } Miami, and try the gumbo in Luisiana. } } Due to the danger of such butterflies spawning Atlantic hurricanes, } Maine has enacted the Flying Insect Eradication Act.  The state house } was subsequently destroyed by sudden squall from the North Atlantic. } Coincidence?  I think not! } } You owe the Oracle a detailed analysis of the effects of Gypsy Moths on } the El Nino cycle.  (The Oracle knows that the lack of diacritics is } offensive to Latin eyes, but there is little that can be done until the } system designers realize that people type more than one language.  I } think I'll ZOT them all mildly to jar their memory.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterious Oracle, > > I had a most unusual experience yesterday.  I was working > on my workstation when a strange feeling came over me.  I felt > like I was leaving my body.   Everything in the room was gone > except for the workstation which turned into the most magnificent > machine I've ever seen.  I heard strange voices.  One voice was > louder and was talking about woodchucks and wood.  I simply > didn't understand.  The voices became very urgent and strident > and wanted me to answer all their questions.  I was becoming > very frantic when I suddenly came to and found my face on the > keyboard of my less-than-magnificent workstation.  My nose and > chin had managed to reboot the machine. > > So tell me -- what does this all mean?  Was a cosmically > significant event?  Or did I just eat too much pizza with > the works the night before?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the } compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program } before. The most widely accepted theory about deja boot is that your } workstation's electrons have jumped quantum levels to connect with a } workstation in a parallel space-time continuum.  This explains why your } workstation seemed to have metamorphosed: you were actually in } communication with a parallel workstation, which is much fancier than } your old serial workstation. } } The business about the woodchucks, however, _was_ due to the pizza. } } You owe the Oracle another question that begins with the words: } } This is clearly a case of "deja boot", which is characterised by the } compelling feeling that your workstation has executed this program } before.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Jesus were born today, who would the three wise men be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better you should ask, who WERE they.  Jesus had long planned a second } coming, and arranged to have himself born to a short-order chef and his } virgin wife in Needles, California, on December 25, 1977.  Word of His } incarnation was carried to certain shepherds in Sonora, Mexico, by } extraterrestrials descending from a UFO that briefly appeared in the } form of a supernova in the constellation of Cassiopeia. } } The shepherds passed word along to their local magi, three Yaqui Indian } brujos named Gastar, Mejor, and Barato.  They saddled their donkeys and } set out for the north, taking with them three sacred gifts: saguaro } fruit, peyote buttons, and a glow-in-the dark Frisbee lost by an } Arizona State University coed on spring break in Nogales earlier in the } year, which had been recovered by a street urchin who took it back to } the village elders. } } The Yaqui magi eluded the Border Patrol by travelling at night, } following the Star, and crossing the border in the middle of Luke Air } Force base, where they were briefly annoyed by an F-16 on a practice } run until Barato witched it, turning it into a Mexican freetail bat. } The three followed the Colorado River safely, sheltered from detection } by their Cocopa and Mohave Indian brothers along the way. } } They very nearly made it to Needles, but their pilgrimage came to an } abrupt end at the California Agricultural Inspection Station on I-40, } where a drowsy inspector failed to notice the peyote but was jolted } sharply awake by unmistakable signs of Mexican galloping mange on } the donkeys.  In order to prevent the highly infectious disease from } spreading to California donkey herds, officials impounded and destroyed } the hapless animals and burned all organic material they carried that } might harbor the disease.  Only Barato was permitted to keep his } Frisbee after it had been sprayed with Lysol. } } The demoralized brujos consulted and agreed that they couldn't possibly } greet the newborn King with only one present.  Sadly they turned their } visages to the south forever. } } The infant Jesus was so demoralized by his failure to receive any } presents that he lost all interest in redeeming mankind and decided to } grow up as an ordinary boy.  If you're interested, his name is Jason } Peterzell and he's a sophomore at Needles High, where he is studying } carpentry in shop class.  Two years ago a vague urging prompted him to } buy a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee with his newspaper delivery money, but } today it lies forgotten under the comic books in his closet. } } The story has a happy ending, however.  Gastar, Mejor, and Barato } learned enough from their border crossing to become highly successful } "coyotes," and after a decade of smuggling well-to-do Central Americans } across the border they retired to a custom-built house in their native } village complete with indoor plumbing and satellite TV.  Perhaps the } only evidence today of their ill-fated quest to honor the Infant King } is the local superstition, found nowhere else in Sonora, that whenever } a donkey is lost a horned lizard will be found in its stall--a horned } lizard that was once a donkey, transformed into a reptile by the angry } brujo whose path it had foolishly crossed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am nothing but an unworthy soul. > I am not worthy. > I know, everybody knows, thou art ye all-powerful, ye greatest of ye > greatest master oracle of ALL ye oracles that do exist in ye > multiverse. I bow before thine knowledge of which no mortal dareth > attempt to understand just how vast, how unlimited it is. Although I do > not deserve counsel from you, ye great oracle, let me ask but a simple > question: > What is ye nature of ye universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THAT old chestnut?  (* chuckle *)  Well, since you seem to have gone } out of your way to flatter me and win my favor, the least I can do is } answer this question: but this is the LAST TIME, OK?  Even though I } exist outside of the limits of space and time as you perceive it, I'm } not getting any younger.  OK, now, where did I write that down? } } [riffling through papers on cosmic desk]  No... nope... no... huh uh... } no... nope... (damn! Where did I put that thing?)... no...Ah! } } [holding a coffee-stained sheet of looseleaf] The Nature of the } Universe and All Things Really Great Big and Important is... is... } [squinting] is....... } } [an eon passes.  Stars are born, and stars die.  Entire civilizations }  thrive, progress, expand, and collapse.] } } ......is...[squinting harder, turning the sheet clockwise and holding } closer] } } .................is........well, hell.  I can't make this thing out. } Well, in mortal terms, it's kind of like when you blow up a balloon } with big polka dots on it, except the dots aren't that big compared to } the balloon, and you're actually _in_ one of the dots, because dots are } galaxies, you see, so you blow up this infinite balloon (did I mention } it was infinite: well, it is), and it takes a really, really, really } long time to do so, even though "time" is actually a creation of the } process of the inflated balloon itself, which (of course!) isn't done } yet, beacuse you've just started and it's infinite and all, and once } the balloon is finally full size, you pull the nozzle between your } fingers and make that funny squeaking noise and let out all the air and } all the dots (which are actually galaxies which actually have you on } them, but you don't have a balloon because you're busy letting the air } out of the universe)... all the dots collapse, but they keep going in } and in and in and in until there's nothing left, not even the balloon } itself, which is a problem because you are both on the balloon (which } is now nowhere) and outside the balloon (which is a different nowhere). }  It's just like that, except that there are no balloons, no people } blowing them up, and all the dots are actually paralellepipeds. } } You owe the Oracle a tank of helium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man, >     Play a song fer me-e-e, >     Ah'm naht sleepy an' >     There ain't no place ah'm goinn to > >     He-ey, Mister Oracle-Man, >     Play a song fer me-e-e, >     In the jingle-jangle mahrnin' >     Ah'll come fah-ah-low yew. > > Yer fren', Bob D.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How duz it feee-e-l? } Oh, how duz it feeel? } To be a complete mor-oon? } To be a virtual unkno-o-wn? } To be re-e-l real ston'd? } Feel like rolling a bone! } } Never thought that anyone would ever ask of me to really } sing for y-o-ou!!! } Didn't think that I would have to write a song that would be } fit for y-o-ou!!! } This is sumthin' that ah } laugh about } Cuz' I can't sing, I just } scream real louuuud! } I just sat on a water spout. } Washed my insides inside out. } } Can't find a rhyme so I'd like to make a deealllll } } Oh how duz it feee-el? } Oh, how duz it feel? } To pay off a college lo-oan? } To answer a cordless phone? } To let out a heartfelt moan? } Feel like rollin' a bo-o-ne! } } Yer friend, } -O. Allmighty } } You owe the Oracle a bootleg of a 1967 Dylan performance in a small } nightclub just outside Reykjavik.  By this Thursday.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle! most wise I grovel at your shrine for knowledge. Please > tell me: where did I park my car?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see.  You parked it behind your wife's car, next to your } mistress's car, outside the nice doctor's office... } } Oh, you meant most recently.  You querants should learn to specify } these things.  Well, let's see what you did yesterday: } } 5:55 am -- Woke up in mistress's bed.  Remembered that wife sets alarm }            for 6:00 am.  Sped home, narrowly avoiding a ticket (you can }            thank me later). } } 5:58 am -- Leapt in the door -- quietly -- and turned on warmer in }            coffee maker.  Attempted to scramble eggs. } } 6:00 am -- Awakened wife and asked for directions on scrambling eggs. }            Lied and said coffee was fresh. } } 6:15 am -- Dressed and left for work at the university computer }            complex. Took off Ray-Bans and put on broken glasses.  Took }            off Ray-Ban case and donned well-worn pocket protector, with }            pre-leaked pen.  Switched car radio from jazz fusion station }            to heavy metal/thrash rock station.  Donned earplugs.  Made }            note (205th this year) to reverse sequence from now on. } } 6:45 am -- Arrived at campus.  Noted that parking seemed to be worse }            this morning than usual.  Made note (354th this year, and it }            not even September) to take bus from now on.  Trolled for }            parking. } } 7:15 am -- Double-parked between a handicapped space and a tenured full }            professor's space.  Figured (correctly) that no one would }            try to tow your car out from between two student }            crapmobiles. } } 7:25 am -- Walked through the door.  Waved to system gods.  Waved to }            boss. Waved to mistress.  Mistress beckoned -- you left }            without saying goodbye again.  Claimed to make note, but }            actually forgot before she left. } } 7:45 am -- Beain to deal with clueless newbies.  All thoughts of a car }            banished from your mind. } } [here lies a dull day at work] } } 4:45 pm -- Began to have slight twinges of guilt at having parked }            in a tenured professor's spot.  Decided to knock off early }            and check your car. } } 4:55 pm -- What car? (The student crapmobiles were also gone, having }            been moved by the students about three seconds ahead of the }            campus police.) } } 4:56 pm -- Cursed.  Vehemently.  In several languages.  People stare. } } 5:00 pm -- Called campus police.  Learned that the tow yard is open }            until 5:30 pm on weekdays.  Hung up on police department. } } 5:02 pm -- Consulted Yellow Pages.  Tow yard is found to be a brief }            distance away and on a bus route; luck was with you. } } 5:05 pm -- Commenced waiting for the bus. } } 5:23 pm -- Bus arrived.  Cursed.  Iterated until spleen fully vented. }            Bus left with you on it. } } 5:29 pm -- Tow yard already closed for the night, but owner apparently }            still there.  Waited. } } 5:35 pm -- Owner, confronted with crazed compugeek, agreed to release }            car.  Drove home in serene confidence. } } 5:50 pm -- Arrived home to find message from mistress, wanting to see }            you late evening.  Very important, she said.  Made excuse to }            wife and bolted dinner and bolted from house. } } 6:15 pm -- Arrived at seedy bar cum mistress trysting place.  Noted }            large man sitting with mistress.  Perspired. } } 6:17 pm -- Large man introduced as mistresses little brother, recently }            released from Leavenworth.  Charge apparently had something }            to do with unpleasant demise of bro's DI.  Perspired }            further. } } 6:20 pm -- Brother took you for a walk.  Walk turned into drive.  Drove }            for while, consumed uncounted beers.  Passed out after }            unexplained clock on noggin. } } 5:45 am today -- Awoke in ditch.  Puked.  Looked at sunrise.  Puked }                  again. Felt for car.  None in evidence.  Hailed cab, }                  came to work, left message for Oracle. } } Well.  It seems your car is most likely parked somewhere between where } you are and the nearest international border, if it hasn't already } crossed. I'd advise you to be more careful in selecting your passengers } in the future. } } You owe the Oracle your extra set of car keys -- he'll see what he can } do.  Heh heh heh.  (Shut up, Sis.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey guy, > >   It's been a couple of years, but I'm back.  What's been going > on since I left? >                                    - J

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's about time you got back.  You sparingly-used consonants were } always ones to show up late.  Anyway, no one has really missed you } while you were gone.  It's a shame you took Q with you, because U was } really attached to him. Needless to say, its been very kwiet since.  U } is over Q, and has been seen forming a bond with O; everyone says they } are a nice cOUple.  Everyone is pretty pissed about you two going AWOL, } but the adgustments have been made, and now noone thinks twice about } you guys.  Most of us thought Q was a goke anyway - put in by the } Scrabble folks.  I hope your little escapade was worth it, because now, } as they say, it is time to pay the piper.  I'm sure you'll find me a } little more forgiving than some of the other letters - perhaps you } should gust pack up and head back to where you were.  I hear some of } the new Slavic republics are looking for a few good consonants.  Don't } expect a letter of recommendation from anyone here though.  Hey, and } take Q with you. We gust don't need you kwacks around. } }                                      - A

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       The capital of Poland ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No but that was a good guess.  And since that was your last chance, I } guess I'll have to tell you.  The answer to 'What have I got in my } pocket' is in fact: Nothing at all!  That's right, not a ring of power, } a snub nosed .38, a snot filled hankerchief, a spare set of car keys, } the Encyclopedia Midterranica, the Ark of the Covenant, Moby Dick (the } whale, not the book), a dead mouse, a hunk of Kryptonite, a well } thumbed copy of Troll Lust, a snuff film, my wallet, the Rock of } Gibralter, the Queen Elizabeth II, some loose change, a pound and a } half of goat's milk cheese (why you guessed that, even I have no idea), } a 1972 Chrysler Impala, the moon, Wayne Newton, or even the capital of } Poland.  And let me say that they were all inspired guesses.  Well, } maybe the goat's cheese one wasn't too good, but the rest were fine.  I } just hope you learned your lesson and don't ever try and play twenty } questions with someone who's omniscient again. } } Since you lost, you owe the Oracle the complete works of J.R.R. } Tolkien.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, with eyes and brain, > who many supplicants has slain; > tell me, why did the Beatles write > "Lucy in the Sky with Dynamite"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, let me set you right, } The word you want ain't "dynamite". } "Diamonds" was what Lucy got } 'Cause John and Paul were smacked on pot. } } You owe the Oracle a rhyming dictionary.