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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, dispenser of knowledge, but not of lunch, please answer > me this simple question: > > Why is it that whenever I go to the local deli, it always takes them 10 > minutes to make a sandwich for the guy ahead of me, but it only takes > 30 seconds to make mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The God of the Lunchmeat is on your side.  To keep this good luck } with you, recite this prayer to him daily: } } "O, great God of th Lunchmeat, King of the Kold Kuts, Keep those with } dirty hands from working in delis, destroy those who put ketchup on } balogna sandwiches and of those who eat tuna, but protect me from the } vinegar and oil they always ask to put on my sandwich.  In Mayonnaise } Name, Amen." } } May the Mustard be With You.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle whose posterior cosmic gas leak is the sole cause > of the big bang, whose toe-nails are cleaner than Intel's clean > rooms, I beg of you, please, consider this photon-like creature's > plea for wisdom. > (Just in case I didn't grovel enough, here goes some more...) > Oh, ominiscent being whose oracle-hood is great enough to allow > him to write his wholly name on the sand, whose mate's babosity > surpasses that of all the earthly babes combined, please, I beg > of you, enlighten this wishfull, mortal, (insert degrading > insult here) supplicant. > > Ever since I was in 10th grade, I've wanted to go to MIT (to > be a student there, that is) However, the thought never came > to my quark sized mind (quark sized compared to yours, not > anyone else's) that some day, I would actually have to apply. > So, as a high school senior, I ask you this: how can I get > accepted, as a student, to MIT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's "How To Get Accepted At MIT" Top Ten List } ====================================================== } } 10. Nepotism. } }  9. Skywrite your name over the campus. } }  8. Fill out the appropriate forms and stand on your }     acedemic record. } }  7. Go back in time and kick yourself in the butt for }     slacking off. When you return, MIT will be coming }     after you! } }  6. Contribute a million dollars to the library. } }  5. Insert a computer virus that only you have the }     antidote to into the MIT mainframe. Extort. } }  4. Two words: "Blatant Bribery". } }  3. Invent something really stunning. } }  2. Forge an acceptance certificate from Berkeley. } }  1. Get a foreign passport and apply as a math major.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and powerful Oracle: > > If you're so smart, then how many fingers am I holding up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT> None anymore.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > I have lots of buttons on my new telephone. > I don't understand them. > > What do they do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The buttons on your telephone can be divided into three } categories: } } 1) ESSENTIAL BUTTONS } }       These are the numbers 0-9.  These buttons are considered } moderately important to the correct functioning of your telephone.  The } Oracle refuses to discuss them out of general principle. } } 2) USEFUL BUTTONS } }       These buttons are used to store oft-used telephone numbers, like } Domino's Pizza, Wanda's Whip Palace, and your mother.  Be sure to label } them!  Wanda's delivers in thirty minutes or less, too, but you might } be rudely surprised if you order a "large one with everything!" } } 3) INTELLIGENCE TEST BUTTONS } }       In 1965, Congress passed the little-known "Telephone Intelligence } Act" in absolute secrecy.  If you attempt to find this Act, you will be } met by stonewalling of epic proportions.  To this day, Congressmen and } Congresswomen will maintain that they have never heard of such an Act. } The Oracle knows better. } }       The little buttons marked with a * and a # are ostensibly used } for extra features from your phone company, like automatic redial and } such.  But their real purpose is far more sinister.  Through monitoring } how many times a person tries to use one of these absolutely useless } buttons, the Government keeps track of where the biggest idiots in } America live so that they can monitor their behavior and mark them down } for surveys as to "How qualified is Dan Quayle," figuring they stand a } better chance with such a chosen sample. } }       On the other hand, you can't play "Stairway to Heaven" on a } touchtone without them.  The Oracle leaves it to you to discover the } link between "Stairway to Heaven" and "Dan Quayle."  As a hint, it has } nothing to do with "Family Values." } }       You owe the Oracle 60 minutes on 1-900-SPANKME.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ######## ######## ####### ######    ####### ####### ### ####### ### > NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL HEADER -- FEDERAL PENALTY FOR PRIVATE USE > ######## ######## ####### ######    ####### ####### ### ####### ### > > 19 August 1992       NSC E-Memo Seq K-IU787-E43-O    Washington, DC > > FROM: Martin Shere, Associate Director of Defense Communications >       mshere@argus.nsc.gov > TO:   Oracularity Recipients (Incarnation, Oracular Priest) > > Defense Department reconfiguration of iuvax (code name "moose") to > provide secure basis for support of Gulf communications is complete. > Phase II of project code name "Desert Oracle" is now underway. > > Incarnation: Respond to attached question in the usual manner.  See > following on penalties for noncompliance. > > Priest: If this is the first NSC Supplication you have received, please > read this explanation carefully.  NSC and CIA research having > determined there are no Usenet feeds in Iraq, newsgroup > rec.humor.oracle has been selected as the vehicle for encoded > communications regarding imminent second stage of Desert Storm. > INSTRUCTIONS: Edit this Oracularity to remove NSC header, and send on > to Oracularities Editor with notation "NSC Pass-Through".  SEND ON THIS > QUESTION NO MATTER HOW FUNNY YOU JUDGE THE QUESTION AND RESPONSE TO BE. >  ITS APPEARANCE IN REC.HUMOR.ORACLE IS CRUCIAL.  THIS IS *NOT* A JOKE. > Failure to comply may result in prosecution for violation of national > security interests, with prison terms of up to 25 years.  Extradition > and prosecution of foreign national Priests is provided for by terms of > UN agreements on > enforcement of Iraqi sanctions. > > NSC PASS-THROUGH QUESTION FOLLOWS... > > =======CUT HERE===============CUT HERE=============CUT HERE======= > > o Top of all oracles, whose Secret knowledge surpasses that of any > mortal, deign to answer my humble question with your unerring > Information: > > my brother and i were in the Desert last summer when an enormous dust > Storm started up.  we see Two big clouds on the horizon and the sky > Commences to growl like Sunday in a baptist church or like a Three > Hundred horsepower GMT muscle car.  we ran With all our might but the > Air filled with sand that started to Attack our eyes.  you would have > thought we were On the sahara or in Bagdad or something.  it wouldn't > Stop.  we couldn't even see the Ground, the dust was so Offensive!  i > thought i'd give At least Nine Hundred Hours of free labor if the sand > would Stop or pick some other Target.  so great oracle, what i want to > know is, why are deserts Sodamn dusty, anyway?  For sure, it's > Immediate Assassination to go there!  please answer right away even if > you have to Stop whatever else you're doing! > > your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .... Oops, sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to ear but, you know, I was } just going down the corridor, and the door was open, and I had to stop } for a while to tie my shoe, and it was pretty tangled, so I couldn't } do but letting some of your words sneak into my ears, but don't you } worry at all, please, Omar Hussein -that's my name, I run a hardware } shop near Langley, Virginia, microphones, radios and the like, gotta } some pretty toys indeed - Omar knows how to sew his mouth better than a } Singer, yessir, no rumours at all, so you could please take those guns } away, you know, my arms are going to ache quite a bit, standing so up, } and I shaved very well this morning, so I'suggest you sergeant to put } your body-knife a few inches off my throat, and, sure, I can go on } wearing these steel rings 'round my wrists, if you please, no, you're } calling your boss Mr. Orrie for orders, sure, I know the procedures, } how?, well, my second cousin, down there in Bassora, has a lot to do } with military servicemen yessir, oh, you want to know why I carry a } micro tape recorder under my armpit, and why your radiogoniometer } insistently indicates radio emissions coming from my underpants, well, } sirs, I am sorry to say that I don't share your interests for other } men's underwear, I have been educated in an old religious decent } tradition, and think that what my ##CENSORED## likes to emit is up to } me, so, why don't we discuss ... oh, Mr. Orrie, 'suppose, nice to meet, } not so nice, you say? well I respect your opinions [ ... ] } }  - Yass, Lisa dear, 'twas quite a funny scene. And he seemed so }    sorry his Armani jacket would be wasted, when we dropped him }    in a barrel of acid ... } }  - But Orrie dear, you really must be so rude with all people you }    have just been introduced to? What a hell had he done so dangerous }    to you? } }  - You kidding, dear? You really think I, Ali Orrie Hussein, brother }    of our leader Saddam, Allah bless him and the Mother of all the }    battles, I could let him go free? } }  - Oh, well, it's all gone now, so why don't you lay down a bit, Orrie, }    and let me make some playing on YOUR radio emissions? } }                                               BYE }                                               >> current incarnation: }                                               >> Franco Callari }                                               >> callari@vlsipa.cres.it

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and magnanamous oracle. Older than the universe, yet, at > the same time younger than the the youngest mosquito hatching in a pool > of fettid water in the lowest reaches of a swamp. Larger than the > greatest beast of this paltry rock we live on, yet smaller than the > smallest bacteria currently fermenting in my colon.... > > Anyway... speaking of bacteria. Though to question the wisdom of the > oracle is life-threatening at best, I feel I must. In a previous > message you informed the weeping throngs of we silly apes that bacteria > were members of the plant kingdom. Surely you know that they are > actually not even the slightest bit related to plants and in fact form > their own Domain (a level of classification above Kingdom) separate > from the Domain eukarya which contains plants and animals. > > The only reason I mention this, as I duck behind the largest solid > object to avoid your scorn, is so that you can punish the slothful > advisor who erroneously passed the incorrect data to you > worshipfullness. > > Your's in abject horror, Slimy Bio-geek Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle, being magnanamous, agrees to spare you for pointing } out the error in the reply you received.  In tracking down said reply, } the Oracle discovered the following conversation: } } E. Coli: I'm tired of getting this bum rap year after year! } S. Coccus: So?  Whaddaya want?  Protection from the government? } E. Coli: Say, that's not a bad idea!  If we were animals, we could get }        some blleding heart liberal Congressman to lobby on our behalf }        as endangered species! } S. Coccus: Oh, come on!  That's ludicrous! } E. Coli: No, it just might work!  Besides, I'm not very intelligent, }        being one-celled and all. } S. Coccus: Touche', mon frere. } E. Coli: But how can we convince Congress that we are animals? } S. Coccus: Don't look at me.  I so much as show my face and here comes }        that Erythromiacin thug. } E. Coli: I know!  We'll get the Usenet Oracle to tell people that we're }        really animals! } S. Coccus: Now that really IS ludicrous, even for a one-celled }        organism. } E. Coli: No!  No!  It's simple!  We'll just break into his Usenet mail }        feed, and when someone comes even remotely close to the subject }        of bacteria, we'll casually drop the "fact" that "bacteria are }        really animals!" Then we'll go to Congress and start lobbying! }        The Oracle is such an unimpeachable source of truth that they'll }        believe us without investigating! } S. Coccus: That's so crazy, it just might work!  Say, how can we type }        with only one cell, anyway? } E. Coli: You go invade some Oracle priest and force him to type the }        reply! } S. Coccus: All righty!  Environmental Protection, here we come! } }       Sure enough, tracking this down to a priest with strep throat, } the Oracle was able to stop the dastardly plan of these bacteria, with } the help of your supplicantian vigilance! } }       You owe the Oracle some penicillin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When she says she loves me, is it real, or is she just trying to get > laid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does she grovel?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose toenail clippings are worth my weight in gold, please > tell me: > > I have the possibility of two jobs. One pays a lot of money, but seems > to be fairly boring, the other not so much but looks interesting. > Which should I take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My toenail clippings are worth more than that, but I appreciate the } thought. } } Jobs jobs jobs...so many questions about jobs.  Let me show you what } you can expect with each ten years from now. } } Money: }       You take a high-paying job at a well-respected, conservative }       company.  You wear a tie every day, drive a station wagon, and }       kiss your wife "Ozzie and Harriet" style on the cheek every }       morning.  You arrive home promptly at 5:17 every evening and }       eat the dinner (meat and potatoes) that your wife, a former }       secretary with your firm, prepared in advance.  You then listen }       to your 2.5 children and watch PBS for the rest of the evening. } } Interest: }       You take a lower-paying job at a small startup company.  You wear }       jeans and sneakers to work every day, drive a red Beemer, and }       kiss your chihuahua "Ozzie and Harriet" style on the cheek every }       morning.  You arrive home about 3:00 AM because you were working }       on yet another fascinating computer problem involving the }       copy protection on "King's Quest V."  You spend the rest of the }       dark hours popping zits caused by the vending machine dinners you }       constantly eat and wondering why you never had a date. } } The choice is yours, friend.  Frankly, I think euthanasia is an option. } } You owe the Oracle a busted copy of Leisure Suit Larry.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise Oracle, > > Why do little kids draw houses as squares with triangles for roofs when > no houses are actually built like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little-known fact of child psychology that children perceive } the world in a totally different manner than adults.  Childrens' } fondness for cartoons and their typical artistic style, with } stick-figure people, lollipop trees, etc., is no accident: That's how } they see the universe!! nature has equipped them with these rosy } perceptions, where everything is fun, harmless, and happy, as a defense } mechanism.  As they age and begin puberty, or if they come under high } stress, their perceptions normally begin to shift to the adult } standard, which accounts for the disorientation and distress evinced by } most pubescent teenagers.  A small percentage of adults never complete } this transition to an accurate view of reality (cf. Mel Blanc, Georges } Seurat, Pablo Picasso, Dan Quayle), and live their entire lives in a } carefree toon world.  Not the worst of fates. } } You owe the Oracle the complete tapes of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, Fountain of All Knowledge, > > When you designed Relativity, were you joking > or did you do it for a bet ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, that was a stupid one, huh? } }   Talk about miscalculations!  You see, I had this long pole. It } was about 51 feet long, and I wanted to store it in a barn. } However, the barn was only 50 feet long.  So I invented } relativity, time dilation, all that stuff.  Boy, did I blow it. } }   So anyway, I take this pole, see, and I start running really } fast.  I get to about .99C, the pole shrinks relative to the } stationary barn, I get in the barn, drop the pole, run back } out and slam the door.  Duh!  The pole was still going at .99C } and shoots through the wall of the barn, totally demolishing } it. } }   I rebuild the barn and try again.  This time, I come to a stop } drop the pole, run out and close the door.  Wham! Double-duh! } As soon as I came to a stop, the pole went back to its } original length and no longer fit in the barn. } }   Then it occured to me:  when I rebuilt the barn, why didn't } I just rebuild a 51 foot barn, so the pole would fit?  Triple-duh! } So I decide this relativity stuff was a really dumb idea, and } I decide I changed my mind, and I would go back in time to } convince myself not to do it.  All of a sudden, my time machine } wouldn't work anymore.  I checked the wires, and everything. } I couldn't figure out the problem. } }   So I get a stack of paper and a few mechanical pencils and } try to figure out what exactly I had done.  Finally, the equations } I come up with say that time travel is no longer possible (speed } of light, propagation of information, instantaneity and all that) } so I can't even change it back!  Quadruple-duh! } }   You can imagine how dumb I felt.  So anyway, ends up in a fit } of stupidity, I invented the uncertainty principle and neutrinos } and all of that other cool stuff, figuring that with faster-than- } light particles and tunneling effects and the like, somebody } would figure out how to travel in time again, and I could undo } this mess.  I'd do it myself, but I got suckered into this oracle } job, and I spend all of my time answering questions from incipid } peons like yourself. } } You owe the Oracle a sealed box containing a cat and a vial of } poison.