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Internet Oracularities #475

Goto:
475, 475-01, 475-02, 475-03, 475-04, 475-05, 475-06, 475-07, 475-08, 475-09, 475-10


Usenet Oracularities #475    (34 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 1992 14:45:26 -0500

@@@ Muchas gracias to Joshua R Poulson for compiling and posting the
@@@ Usenet Oracularities the past six months.
@@@
@@@ Due to an unfortunate difference in sendmail behavior, all digest
@@@ votes received since the Oracle was restarted on it's new machine were
@@@ irretrievably mungified upon arrival.  Thus, I have no votes for
@@@ digests #470 through #474.  If you can resend your votes for these
@@@ issues, it would be appreciated.
@@@
@@@ Steve "still getting over jet-lag and reverse culture shock" Kinzler

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   475
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

475   34 votes 7ac50 0a7b6 37c75 12gc3 7aa43 06g93 6b647 25h55 28i60 017fb
475   3.1 mean  2.4   3.4   3.1   3.4   2.6   3.3   2.9   3.2   2.8   4.1


475-01    (7ac50 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, dispenser of knowledge, but not of lunch, please answer
> me this simple question:
>
> Why is it that whenever I go to the local deli, it always takes them 10
> minutes to make a sandwich for the guy ahead of me, but it only takes
> 30 seconds to make mine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The God of the Lunchmeat is on your side.  To keep this good luck
} with you, recite this prayer to him daily:
}
} "O, great God of th Lunchmeat, King of the Kold Kuts, Keep those with
} dirty hands from working in delis, destroy those who put ketchup on
} balogna sandwiches and of those who eat tuna, but protect me from the
} vinegar and oil they always ask to put on my sandwich.  In Mayonnaise
} Name, Amen."
}
} May the Mustard be With You.


475-02    (0a7b6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@johnny.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle whose posterior cosmic gas leak is the sole cause
> of the big bang, whose toe-nails are cleaner than Intel's clean
> rooms, I beg of you, please, consider this photon-like creature's
> plea for wisdom.
> (Just in case I didn't grovel enough, here goes some more...)
> Oh, ominiscent being whose oracle-hood is great enough to allow
> him to write his wholly name on the sand, whose mate's babosity
> surpasses that of all the earthly babes combined, please, I beg
> of you, enlighten this wishfull, mortal, (insert degrading
> insult here) supplicant.
>
> Ever since I was in 10th grade, I've wanted to go to MIT (to
> be a student there, that is) However, the thought never came
> to my quark sized mind (quark sized compared to yours, not
> anyone else's) that some day, I would actually have to apply.
> So, as a high school senior, I ask you this: how can I get
> accepted, as a student, to MIT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's "How To Get Accepted At MIT" Top Ten List
} ======================================================
}
} 10. Nepotism.
}
}  9. Skywrite your name over the campus.
}
}  8. Fill out the appropriate forms and stand on your
}     acedemic record.
}
}  7. Go back in time and kick yourself in the butt for
}     slacking off. When you return, MIT will be coming
}     after you!
}
}  6. Contribute a million dollars to the library.
}
}  5. Insert a computer virus that only you have the
}     antidote to into the MIT mainframe. Extort.
}
}  4. Two words: "Blatant Bribery".
}
}  3. Invent something really stunning.
}
}  2. Forge an acceptance certificate from Berkeley.
}
}  1. Get a foreign passport and apply as a math major.


475-03    (37c75 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and powerful Oracle:
>
> If you're so smart, then how many fingers am I holding up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ZOT> None anymore.


475-04    (12gc3 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I have lots of buttons on my new telephone.
> I don't understand them.
>
> What do they do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The buttons on your telephone can be divided into three
} categories:
}
} 1) ESSENTIAL BUTTONS
}
}       These are the numbers 0-9.  These buttons are considered
} moderately important to the correct functioning of your telephone.  The
} Oracle refuses to discuss them out of general principle.
}
} 2) USEFUL BUTTONS
}
}       These buttons are used to store oft-used telephone numbers, like
} Domino's Pizza, Wanda's Whip Palace, and your mother.  Be sure to label
} them!  Wanda's delivers in thirty minutes or less, too, but you might
} be rudely surprised if you order a "large one with everything!"
}
} 3) INTELLIGENCE TEST BUTTONS
}
}       In 1965, Congress passed the little-known "Telephone Intelligence
} Act" in absolute secrecy.  If you attempt to find this Act, you will be
} met by stonewalling of epic proportions.  To this day, Congressmen and
} Congresswomen will maintain that they have never heard of such an Act.
} The Oracle knows better.
}
}       The little buttons marked with a * and a # are ostensibly used
} for extra features from your phone company, like automatic redial and
} such.  But their real purpose is far more sinister.  Through monitoring
} how many times a person tries to use one of these absolutely useless
} buttons, the Government keeps track of where the biggest idiots in
} America live so that they can monitor their behavior and mark them down
} for surveys as to "How qualified is Dan Quayle," figuring they stand a
} better chance with such a chosen sample.
}
}       On the other hand, you can't play "Stairway to Heaven" on a
} touchtone without them.  The Oracle leaves it to you to discover the
} link between "Stairway to Heaven" and "Dan Quayle."  As a hint, it has
} nothing to do with "Family Values."
}
}       You owe the Oracle 60 minutes on 1-900-SPANKME.


475-05    (7aa43 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ######## ######## ####### ######    ####### ####### ### ####### ###
> NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL HEADER -- FEDERAL PENALTY FOR PRIVATE USE
> ######## ######## ####### ######    ####### ####### ### ####### ###
>
> 19 August 1992       NSC E-Memo Seq K-IU787-E43-O    Washington, DC
>
> FROM: Martin Shere, Associate Director of Defense Communications
>       mshere@argus.nsc.gov
> TO:   Oracularity Recipients (Incarnation, Oracular Priest)
>
> Defense Department reconfiguration of iuvax (code name "moose") to
> provide secure basis for support of Gulf communications is complete.
> Phase II of project code name "Desert Oracle" is now underway.
>
> Incarnation: Respond to attached question in the usual manner.  See
> following on penalties for noncompliance.
>
> Priest: If this is the first NSC Supplication you have received, please
> read this explanation carefully.  NSC and CIA research having
> determined there are no Usenet feeds in Iraq, newsgroup
> rec.humor.oracle has been selected as the vehicle for encoded
> communications regarding imminent second stage of Desert Storm.
> INSTRUCTIONS: Edit this Oracularity to remove NSC header, and send on
> to Oracularities Editor with notation "NSC Pass-Through".  SEND ON THIS
> QUESTION NO MATTER HOW FUNNY YOU JUDGE THE QUESTION AND RESPONSE TO BE.
>  ITS APPEARANCE IN REC.HUMOR.ORACLE IS CRUCIAL.  THIS IS *NOT* A JOKE.
> Failure to comply may result in prosecution for violation of national
> security interests, with prison terms of up to 25 years.  Extradition
> and prosecution of foreign national Priests is provided for by terms of
> UN agreements on
> enforcement of Iraqi sanctions.
>
> NSC PASS-THROUGH QUESTION FOLLOWS...
>
> =======CUT HERE===============CUT HERE=============CUT HERE=======
>
> o Top of all oracles, whose Secret knowledge surpasses that of any
> mortal, deign to answer my humble question with your unerring
> Information:
>
> my brother and i were in the Desert last summer when an enormous dust
> Storm started up.  we see Two big clouds on the horizon and the sky
> Commences to growl like Sunday in a baptist church or like a Three
> Hundred horsepower GMT muscle car.  we ran With all our might but the
> Air filled with sand that started to Attack our eyes.  you would have
> thought we were On the sahara or in Bagdad or something.  it wouldn't
> Stop.  we couldn't even see the Ground, the dust was so Offensive!  i
> thought i'd give At least Nine Hundred Hours of free labor if the sand
> would Stop or pick some other Target.  so great oracle, what i want to
> know is, why are deserts Sodamn dusty, anyway?  For sure, it's
> Immediate Assassination to go there!  please answer right away even if
> you have to Stop whatever else you're doing!
>
> your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} .... Oops, sorry, I know I wasn't supposed to ear but, you know, I was
} just going down the corridor, and the door was open, and I had to stop
} for a while to tie my shoe, and it was pretty tangled, so I couldn't
} do but letting some of your words sneak into my ears, but don't you
} worry at all, please, Omar Hussein -that's my name, I run a hardware
} shop near Langley, Virginia, microphones, radios and the like, gotta
} some pretty toys indeed - Omar knows how to sew his mouth better than a
} Singer, yessir, no rumours at all, so you could please take those guns
} away, you know, my arms are going to ache quite a bit, standing so up,
} and I shaved very well this morning, so I'suggest you sergeant to put
} your body-knife a few inches off my throat, and, sure, I can go on
} wearing these steel rings 'round my wrists, if you please, no, you're
} calling your boss Mr. Orrie for orders, sure, I know the procedures,
} how?, well, my second cousin, down there in Bassora, has a lot to do
} with military servicemen yessir, oh, you want to know why I carry a
} micro tape recorder under my armpit, and why your radiogoniometer
} insistently indicates radio emissions coming from my underpants, well,
} sirs, I am sorry to say that I don't share your interests for other
} men's underwear, I have been educated in an old religious decent
} tradition, and think that what my ##CENSORED## likes to emit is up to
} me, so, why don't we discuss ... oh, Mr. Orrie, 'suppose, nice to meet,
} not so nice, you say? well I respect your opinions [ ... ]
}
}  - Yass, Lisa dear, 'twas quite a funny scene. And he seemed so
}    sorry his Armani jacket would be wasted, when we dropped him
}    in a barrel of acid ...
}
}  - But Orrie dear, you really must be so rude with all people you
}    have just been introduced to? What a hell had he done so dangerous
}    to you?
}
}  - You kidding, dear? You really think I, Ali Orrie Hussein, brother
}    of our leader Saddam, Allah bless him and the Mother of all the
}    battles, I could let him go free?
}
}  - Oh, well, it's all gone now, so why don't you lay down a bit, Orrie,
}    and let me make some playing on YOUR radio emissions?
}
}                                               BYE
}                                               >> current incarnation:
}                                               >> Franco Callari
}                                               >> callari@vlsipa.cres.it


475-06    (06g93 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and magnanamous oracle. Older than the universe, yet, at
> the same time younger than the the youngest mosquito hatching in a pool
> of fettid water in the lowest reaches of a swamp. Larger than the
> greatest beast of this paltry rock we live on, yet smaller than the
> smallest bacteria currently fermenting in my colon....
>
> Anyway... speaking of bacteria. Though to question the wisdom of the
> oracle is life-threatening at best, I feel I must. In a previous
> message you informed the weeping throngs of we silly apes that bacteria
> were members of the plant kingdom. Surely you know that they are
> actually not even the slightest bit related to plants and in fact form
> their own Domain (a level of classification above Kingdom) separate
> from the Domain eukarya which contains plants and animals.
>
> The only reason I mention this, as I duck behind the largest solid
> object to avoid your scorn, is so that you can punish the slothful
> advisor who erroneously passed the incorrect data to you
> worshipfullness.
>
> Your's in abject horror, Slimy Bio-geek Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The Oracle, being magnanamous, agrees to spare you for pointing
} out the error in the reply you received.  In tracking down said reply,
} the Oracle discovered the following conversation:
}
} E. Coli: I'm tired of getting this bum rap year after year!
} S. Coccus: So?  Whaddaya want?  Protection from the government?
} E. Coli: Say, that's not a bad idea!  If we were animals, we could get
}        some blleding heart liberal Congressman to lobby on our behalf
}        as endangered species!
} S. Coccus: Oh, come on!  That's ludicrous!
} E. Coli: No, it just might work!  Besides, I'm not very intelligent,
}        being one-celled and all.
} S. Coccus: Touche', mon frere.
} E. Coli: But how can we convince Congress that we are animals?
} S. Coccus: Don't look at me.  I so much as show my face and here comes
}        that Erythromiacin thug.
} E. Coli: I know!  We'll get the Usenet Oracle to tell people that we're
}        really animals!
} S. Coccus: Now that really IS ludicrous, even for a one-celled
}        organism.
} E. Coli: No!  No!  It's simple!  We'll just break into his Usenet mail
}        feed, and when someone comes even remotely close to the subject
}        of bacteria, we'll casually drop the "fact" that "bacteria are
}        really animals!" Then we'll go to Congress and start lobbying!
}        The Oracle is such an unimpeachable source of truth that they'll
}        believe us without investigating!
} S. Coccus: That's so crazy, it just might work!  Say, how can we type
}        with only one cell, anyway?
} E. Coli: You go invade some Oracle priest and force him to type the
}        reply!
} S. Coccus: All righty!  Environmental Protection, here we come!
}
}       Sure enough, tracking this down to a priest with strep throat,
} the Oracle was able to stop the dastardly plan of these bacteria, with
} the help of your supplicantian vigilance!
}
}       You owe the Oracle some penicillin.


475-07    (6b647 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When she says she loves me, is it real, or is she just trying to get
> laid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does she grovel?


475-08    (25h55 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose toenail clippings are worth my weight in gold, please
> tell me:
>
> I have the possibility of two jobs. One pays a lot of money, but seems
> to be fairly boring, the other not so much but looks interesting.
> Which should I take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My toenail clippings are worth more than that, but I appreciate the
} thought.
}
} Jobs jobs jobs...so many questions about jobs.  Let me show you what
} you can expect with each ten years from now.
}
} Money:
}       You take a high-paying job at a well-respected, conservative
}       company.  You wear a tie every day, drive a station wagon, and
}       kiss your wife "Ozzie and Harriet" style on the cheek every
}       morning.  You arrive home promptly at 5:17 every evening and
}       eat the dinner (meat and potatoes) that your wife, a former
}       secretary with your firm, prepared in advance.  You then listen
}       to your 2.5 children and watch PBS for the rest of the evening.
}
} Interest:
}       You take a lower-paying job at a small startup company.  You wear
}       jeans and sneakers to work every day, drive a red Beemer, and
}       kiss your chihuahua "Ozzie and Harriet" style on the cheek every
}       morning.  You arrive home about 3:00 AM because you were working
}       on yet another fascinating computer problem involving the
}       copy protection on "King's Quest V."  You spend the rest of the
}       dark hours popping zits caused by the vending machine dinners you
}       constantly eat and wondering why you never had a date.
}
} The choice is yours, friend.  Frankly, I think euthanasia is an option.
}
} You owe the Oracle a busted copy of Leisure Suit Larry.


475-09    (28i60 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise Oracle,
>
> Why do little kids draw houses as squares with triangles for roofs when
> no houses are actually built like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little-known fact of child psychology that children perceive
} the world in a totally different manner than adults.  Childrens'
} fondness for cartoons and their typical artistic style, with
} stick-figure people, lollipop trees, etc., is no accident: That's how
} they see the universe!! nature has equipped them with these rosy
} perceptions, where everything is fun, harmless, and happy, as a defense
} mechanism.  As they age and begin puberty, or if they come under high
} stress, their perceptions normally begin to shift to the adult
} standard, which accounts for the disorientation and distress evinced by
} most pubescent teenagers.  A small percentage of adults never complete
} this transition to an accurate view of reality (cf. Mel Blanc, Georges
} Seurat, Pablo Picasso, Dan Quayle), and live their entire lives in a
} carefree toon world.  Not the worst of fates.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete tapes of Rocky & Bullwinkle.


475-10    (017fb dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, Fountain of All Knowledge,
>
> When you designed Relativity, were you joking
> or did you do it for a bet ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, that was a stupid one, huh?
}
}   Talk about miscalculations!  You see, I had this long pole. It
} was about 51 feet long, and I wanted to store it in a barn.
} However, the barn was only 50 feet long.  So I invented
} relativity, time dilation, all that stuff.  Boy, did I blow it.
}
}   So anyway, I take this pole, see, and I start running really
} fast.  I get to about .99C, the pole shrinks relative to the
} stationary barn, I get in the barn, drop the pole, run back
} out and slam the door.  Duh!  The pole was still going at .99C
} and shoots through the wall of the barn, totally demolishing
} it.
}
}   I rebuild the barn and try again.  This time, I come to a stop
} drop the pole, run out and close the door.  Wham! Double-duh!
} As soon as I came to a stop, the pole went back to its
} original length and no longer fit in the barn.
}
}   Then it occured to me:  when I rebuilt the barn, why didn't
} I just rebuild a 51 foot barn, so the pole would fit?  Triple-duh!
} So I decide this relativity stuff was a really dumb idea, and
} I decide I changed my mind, and I would go back in time to
} convince myself not to do it.  All of a sudden, my time machine
} wouldn't work anymore.  I checked the wires, and everything.
} I couldn't figure out the problem.
}
}   So I get a stack of paper and a few mechanical pencils and
} try to figure out what exactly I had done.  Finally, the equations
} I come up with say that time travel is no longer possible (speed
} of light, propagation of information, instantaneity and all that)
} so I can't even change it back!  Quadruple-duh!
}
}   You can imagine how dumb I felt.  So anyway, ends up in a fit
} of stupidity, I invented the uncertainty principle and neutrinos
} and all of that other cool stuff, figuring that with faster-than-
} light particles and tunneling effects and the like, somebody
} would figure out how to travel in time again, and I could undo
} this mess.  I'd do it myself, but I got suckered into this oracle
} job, and I spend all of my time answering questions from incipid
} peons like yourself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sealed box containing a cat and a vial of
} poison.


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